07x13 - Rear Window

[bunniefuu]

[crash]

Hey, honey.
What's goin' on?

Well, me and my unborn daughter
was just goin' in here

to have a little puke party.

What are you doin' in here?

Doin'?

Oh, I thought
I heard something.

Uh, probably a squirrel
or a bird but...

he ran a away.

Or flew, depending
on what it was.

Oh, you don't wanna know.

Come on, Dan.

The only thing
I don't wanna know

is what is in that
green bag in the freezer.

Well, today, after
I dropped off Darlene

at the library, I ran
into Ed Jorgensen and...

You know he sells firewood
in the winter now?

Anyhow...

I didn't see anything yet,
but he told me that
our new neighbors,

they kinda like
to run around naked.

And I just wanted to see
if it was true, you know,

so I could warn ya.

Good, God,
what's the matter with you,

thinkin' I don't wanna
see the neighbors naked!

[giggling]

I thought you'd think
I was perverted.

No, you watchin' alone
is perverted,

but us watchin' together,
now that's a date.

Besides, this guy
I saw the other day

carried boxes
in over there,

he's the kind of guy
you normally have to pay

to see naked.

Oh, God, I--

I guess that might have
been their grandson.

Or their great-great-
great-grandson.

Oh, me.

I hope mine
don't look like that

when I get that old.

Yeah, I hope not too, Dan,
because that's the wife.

Oh, my God,
I cannot sit here

and look at this anymore.

Me neither.

[laughter]

What are you doing?

[Dan]
There's a commercial on.
I'm gettin' a beer.

Newsflash, Dan. We don't
have a TV in our bedroom.

No, but the neighbors
got one in theirs.

By the time
they left the room,

I realized I hadn't
had anything to drink
in six hours.

I can't believe you're
still sittin' there

watching the Illinois Raisins.

It's not my fault.
They're retired.
They never go out.

Yeah, it's really sad
how they have no life.

I can't stop lookin'.

It's like a train wreck.

A train wreck
full of naked people.

[keys jingling]

[Mark]
Stupid keys.

Open up,
you stupid door!

Come on!

[jostling door]
Hey, hey.

[drunken slur]
Oh, hey.

What's the matter, Mark?

Did the guys
at the garage
convince you

that it was
New Year's Eve again?

I'm not drunk,
Roseanne.

Hey, you know,
that's the first time

I've ever called you that?

Roseanne.

Rosie.

Roady-row-row-row.

You better get in here.
You're in no condition
to be out there.

You better get
in here and start
cleanin' Dan's g*ns.

You know, maybe I could
use some coffee.

Yeah. Well, if you
really wanna sober up,

you should see
what drinkin' did
to our new neighbors.

So, you wanna tell me
why you're drunk?

I don't have to
tell you anything...

'cause you're not
my friend.

All my real friends
are down at the bar,

like that fat guy,
and, um...

the guy with the hat.

So, is, uh, Becky
worried about me or...

Um, no, she's still
out with David.

Darlene go with 'em?

No, they went alone.

Great. It's like
the eighth night this week.

Sorry, Mark.

I don't care
what those two do.

I don't give a damn
about them.

Well, you better
start caring,

'cause if we start tradin'
spouses around here,

you just might
end up with me.

Would you like that?

No!

I can't do anything about it.

Yeah, you can.
Just tell her that
you don't like it.

I'm afraid if I yell at her,
she's just gonna hate me.

She's not gonna
hate you, Mark.

She loves you in a way
that makes our entire family

think less of her.

Look, I'll handle this
my own way.

But thanks for tryin'
to help me.

Hey, you know somethin'?
[chair scraping floor]

You're all right.

Well, gee, thanks, Mark.

You know, I didn't
get much approval
from my parents,

but hearin' it from
my drunk son-in-law

is just as good.

Look, I know I'm a big
pain in the butt,

but I'll tell you what.

I'll give you a free one.

Go ahead, hit me.

Hard as you can.

I knew it.

You can't do it, can you?

Yeah, I can.
I'm just goin'
to get a bat.

Hey, come on!

Big 'ol greasy
bucket of chicken!

Last one in lives
to a ripe old age!

Get that stuff
away from me.

Just thinking about
those people next door

has given the term
"chicken skin"
a whole new meaning.

What are they doin' now?

Playing air hockey.

[laughs]
Oh, God.

As if hockey wasn't
an ugly enough sport.

Hello.

Hey, guys, brought the beer.

Well, before we eat,
I'm gonna run to the bathroom.

I gotta wash my hands
and burn out my corneas
with Drano.

What's the matter
with him?

Oh, he's just really,
really into, uh,

watching our new neighbors.

They have a new Buick.

Oh, yeah, and they
walk around naked
all the time.

I can't believe
that Dan would do that.

What? It's no big deal.

You approve?

You're not lookin' too,
are you?

Well, yeah, but not
as much as Dan.

I'm not sick.

Do your new neighbors know
that you're watching 'em.

No, we stand completely still
because if they see us,

you know, they might
change their behavior.

We got that
from Wild Kingdom.

Good God, Roseanne.

You want a cheap thrill,
go rent a porno movie.

At least those people
want to be watched.

Yeah, but they ain't,
like, years old.

That's no excuse.

If anything,
it makes it more wrong,

more sad,
and more sick.

[snickers]

They're really old?
Oh, yeah!

I'm sure they'll never
forget where they were

the day Lincoln was shot.

They're completely naked?
All the time?

Sometimes he wears a hat.

[giggles]

I gotta look.

Jackie!

Don't do it, Jackie.

The Coronellis can be quite
a monkey on your back.

Outta my way, Dan.

They gotta be stopped.

It's not the neighbors'
problem, Dan.

They got a right to do
whatever they wanna do
in their own house.

That's right, Dan.

Our forefathers died
so the Coronellis

could play
naked air hockey.

But you don't have
a right to watch them.

Watching's wrong.

Wrong, Fred?

Wrong is when bad things
happen to good people.

And you wanna know why
bad things happen
to good people?

Because God is too busy
watching the Coronellis.

Fine, if you say
there's nothing
wrong with it,

then let's just forget it.

Hey, Mom, I know
what I want for my birthday.

Good. Keep it a secret
so I'll be surprised.

I want an air hockey game.

Oh, this is bad.

I know.

You know, this could wreck
D.J.'s whole sex life.

I mean, at the very least,
he'll hate old people.

And at the very worst...

he'll really,
really like 'em.

Hey.

What do you want?
You never come down here.

Well, this time
I wanted to.

No, Mark, that wasn't
an observation,
that was an order.

You, never come down here.

I just wanted to ask you
about something.

So, uh...

how are you and David
getting along these days?

Great. We find that
nothing enhances romance

like breaking up
and sleeping with other people.

Yeah, you know, I don't
think he was real serious

about that Dinah girl
he was seeing.

You could probably
get him back.

Oh, do you think so?

Every night I kneel
at the foot of my bed

and I pray that
we'll get back together...

and then I make
my new boyfriend

get out of bed
and pray with me.

I just think
you guys are really
good for each other.

Mark, stop it.

David made you
come down here, didn't he?

No. He doesn't even know
I came down.

Just get out.

Look, I don't care
what the hell happens
between you two.

I just want David to
stay away from my wife.

[chuckles]
Wake up, Mark.

I mean David's just trying
to make me jealous.

He doesn't want Becky
anymore than my parents did.

It isn't
just for you.

This has been
going on way before
you came home.

What?

Yeah, they've been
spending tons of
time together.

Becky hardly even
talks to me anymore.

I don't believe it.

She thinks David's
Mr. Sensitive.

So what am I?
Mr. uh...

opposite of that?

Get outta my way.

What are you doing
getting involved
with David, Becky?

You're a married woman.

Since when did you care
about my marriage?

Since you decided to
trade Moe in for Curly.

You're just jealous.

No, I am not jealous.

Hey.

Mind if I watch TV?

Are you doing this
because of some sick
competition thing

between you and me?

I mean, is that what
this is about?

That is ridiculous.

David and I
hang out together

because we like
talking to each other.

Yeah, I'm sure
you find it a lot
easier to talk

with your skirt
over your head.

You know, I think
I watch too much TV.

Hold it.

What are you
doing with her?

Not that I'm necessarily
against necrophilia,

but I think
it's illegal.

There's nothing going on
between us.

She's my brother's wife,
for cryin' out loud.

The man stuck a fork
in my hand when I tried
to take his dessert.

Well, if it's not
a sex thing,
then what is it?

I mean, I ran out
of things to talk
to her about

when I was,
like, two.

Ignore her, David.

She's just jealous 'cause
we have a relationship

where we like
and respect each other.

Not like the one
you had with David.

What's that
supposed to mean?

I was closer to David
than you could ever be.

[chuckles]
Yeah. Okay, Darlene.

Oh, don't give me that.

I mean, what could
the two you possibly
have in common?

Well...

we both live with you,

and you treated us
both like crap.

I did not.

I mean, maybe I treated
you like crap, but...

Well, have you ever spent
any time with you?

Oh, that's right.

You treated David
with lots of respect.

I did.
Tell her.

You may
speak.

Come on, David,
now's your chance.

You said you weren't gonna
take any more of her abuse.

Abuse?

David, what have you
been telling her?

I can see I'm just
in the way here.

Come on, David.
Tell her how horrible it was.

Stand up for yourself.

You don't agree
with her, do you?

David?
Shut up.

Do you?
Darlene...

Come on. Tell her
she's wrong, David.

I can't.

What?

I'm sorry.

At the time, I thought
it was great.

But now...

But now what?

I just don't think we
ever really connected.

God, David,
I mean...

I was closer to you
than anybody I've ever been
with in my whole life.

I'm sorry.

Face it, Darlene.

You just can't
get close to anybody.

Oh, go to hell,
both of you.

You're serving the neighbors
sliced Twinkies.

You don't think it's too
pretentious, do you?

You know what?
I don't think this
is such a good idea.

We should have
just sent them an
anonymous note.

Oh, yeah, right.

"We're sorry, but our bedroom
looks right into yours."

Signed "anonymous."

[doorbell rings]

Jeez, Roseanne,

I was taught to
respect my elders.

I don't think
I can do this.

Oh, it's no big deal, Dan.

If you get nervous, just try
picturing them naked.

Hi. We're the Coronellis.

Hi. I'm Dan Connor.

This is my wife
Roseanne.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Skip
and this is Irene.

Here, I baked you
a little something.

Thank you.

Gee, I hate
to think of you

standing over
a hot stove.

Come on in!
Sit down!

Boy, we were so glad
when you moved in.

'Cause, you know,
nowadays, when new
people move in,

you get so nervous,
what with...

oh, all the drug
problems and things
like that, you know?

It seems like everywhere
you look nowadays

all you see is crack.

This might be a good time
to bring up something.

What a beautiful
family!

Skip, Roseanne
was talking!

Oh, I'm sorry.

He loves young people.

He taught high school
for years.

And Irene was
our school nurse.

Except for
those three years

when she looked after
our boys in Korea.

Oh, but I'm sorry.

You were going
to say something.

Oh, yeah.
Well, I, uh...

Um, I was wonder what
you guys do all day

besides...hang out.

Come on, Roseanne,
I thought you had

something else you
wanted to ask them.

Yeah, I was wondering...
where are you guys from?

I'm guessing it's
some place really warm.

We're from Elgin.

You really have
a lovely home.

Well, thank you
very much.

Uh, I could
give you a tour.

Yeah, um...

this is the kitchen.

You know,
no big deal.

Just--just
a kitchen.

The hallway.

We should go in
the bedroom there

because at night
you get a really
good view

of the stars there.

Usually, around now,
we have a lovely
view of Uranus.

Yeah, this is our bedroom.

We named it
after our bed.

And, hey,
there's our window.

You know what,
Skip and Irene?

I'll bet you can see
right into our bedroom
from over there.

Oh, no.
We're terribly
nearsighted.

Oh, well, Dan's got
perfect eyesight.

He don't even need
those binoculars he's got
sitting there.

You know what
your house could use?

A hedge.

Not every house
can hold a hedge,
but yours sure could.

No. We like an open yard.

It's more neighborly.

Uh...

hold it.

See, the thing
of it is is, um...

Dan?

I don't know what
"the thing of it is" honey.

You sure as hell seemed
to have a handle

on "the thing of it"
earlier.

Okay, well, I don't exactly
know how to...say this.

We can see you naked.

That is one time we were
looking out the window,

and we happened
to notice--

through no fault
of your own--

you weren't wearing
any clothes.

That's all right.

We rarely wear clothes
around the house.

That's right, dear.

We believe
the human body
in its natural state

is beautiful.

God, are they nearsighted.

Uh, look, it's not that
we think anything is
wrong with nudity.

As a matter of fact,
me and Mr. Connor

used to have sex
that way.

Well, we figure if people
don't want to see us,

they just won't look.

You don't understand.

It's not that
we want to look...

We can't help it.

You can't help it?

Well, we don't want
to offend you or anything.

It's just that we think
the sight of you might be
wrecking our son.

Oh, really?
And how's that?

Well...
uh, no offense,
you know. Uh...

but look at you.

Well, no offense,
but look at you

and you have
clothes on!

It isn't our nudity,
it's our age, isn't it?

Perhaps if we were younger
and more attractive,

we wouldn't be
having this talk.

Well, yeah, probably not
for a couple more weeks.

I feel sorry
for you people.

Nudity is our
chosen lifestyle.

But you can't
help yourselves.

You're compulsive,
sick perverts.

Well, it's not that easy
not to look.

Well, I certainly think
we could manage.

Oh, yeah?
What color are my eyes?

Oh, my God!

Come on, dear.

We're going to
plant that hedge,
believe me.

And we'll tell
all your neighbors

just what kind of
people you are!

Well, it's too late.
They already know.

You know, honey,
we really must
entertain more often.

That was fun.

Hey, Mark
where's Mom and Dad?

I gotta get
to the bus station

Are you leaving?

No, I just gotta
get down there
and meet my pimp.

If I don't get going,
he'll smack me around.

Your parents are gone.

Great. I'm walkin'.
I gotta get out of here.

What, you got
a suitcase?

No, Mark, I wear
the same outfit every day.

Then when it gets dirty,

I jump into the river
fully clothed

and beat myself
against a rock.

Look, it's
a -minute drive.

I can take you
down there.

That'd be great, but you gotta
turn twice to get there.

How would you
find your way back?

Just forget
I offered, all right?

I've had enough
of your crap.

I'm sorry, Mark.

Look, it hasn't been
the best week for me
either, all right?

I really am sorry.

Just get your stuff.

You're bummed out about
this whole Becky
thing, right?

I mean, there's still
a chance you guys
could work it out.

Yeah, right.
Like you really care.

I'm trying to be
nice here, Mark, you know?

It would really be helpful
if you didn't speak.

What, you're trying
to be nice to me?

Man, I must seem
really pathetic.

No, I just think that
there's gotta be some hope

for your marriage
if it means this much to you.

I mean, you cared enough
to come down to my room
and talk to me.

Apparently, that isn't
the easiest thing for
anybody to do.

It really didn't help.

Well, maybe that's because
you opened up to me
and not to Becky.

So you think
if I make myself
more open to talk to,

Becky will come to me
instead of David?

Yeah.

Well...

how do I do that?

[scoffs]

Hell if I know.

Hey, Darlene

Yeah.

You know...thanks.

[chuckles]

You know, you're really
not that bad a guy, Mark.

Wait a minute.

Are you trying
to get back at Becky
by coming on to me?

What?

Look, just so you know,

no way am I being part
of your sick game.