07x14 - My Name is Bev

[bunniefuu]

[phone ringing]

Uh, my son told me
that our mom got
picked up for speeding.

Just a minute, ma'am.

It's a good thing
you caught her.

I mean, these elderly
ladies in Dodge Darts

have been terrorizing
our community long enough.

Roseanne, maybe we don't
have to bail her out.

We could just, like, pretend
we didn't get the call.

Jackie, we've got
to get Mom out of there

before those other prisoners
start passing her around
like a pack of smokes.

Let me talk
to the guy, then.

I did wear the blue.

Sergeant Dickson,
J. Harris.

Ex-officer, retired.

We are here to
retrieve our mother,

one Harris comma Beverly.

Female, Caucasian.

I said, just a minute.

- .

Said he'd be with us
in just a minute.

I can't believe
Mom was speeding!

She does everything slow.

She walks slow.
She eats slow.

She dies slow.

All right, let's see.

Harris...
comma Beverly.

She had a minor accident.

She's fine, but we had to
detain her for drunk driving.

What?

That huge liar!

Drunk driving?
That's a felony!

It is a felony, isn't it?

Well, I hope you didn't find
the dr*gs she keeps
stashed up her butt.

Oh, my goodness, girls,
the way they treat
an old lady who was speeding.

Was she belligerent?
Did you have to beat her?

This has been
so degrading.

They even took
my shoelaces and belt
so I wouldn't hurt myself.

Well, wasn't there
a sheet you could use?

Roseanne, why are
you so rude to me?

What do you mean
by driving drunk?

If you want to k*ll
yourself, that's fine,

but have some consideration
for other people.

We promised that car to D.J.

It's not true!
I wasn't drunk!

What's going to
happen to me?

Well, usually on
a first offense,

they give you probation
and make you go to AA.

What?

I'm not an alcoholic!

I only had
one glass of wine!

Well, it doesn't count
as one glass

if you refill it times.

Here's her mugshot, sergeant.

Oh, my God, can I get
those in wallet size?

Come on, Dino.
Frank and Sammy are
waiting in the car.

So if you can't
give me the picture,

can I just get
the numbers off the bottom?

I want to play the lotto.

** [blues rock]

[laughing]

Well, I always wondered what
an AA meeting looked like.

Yeah, it should be interesting
to see how many of these people

Mom sends screaming
back to the sauce.

This is so degrading.

I don't even know
why I'm here.

Well, then, let me remind you.

Glug, glug, glug, glug,
glug, glug, glug.

I'm not an alcoholic.

Yes, we know.

We are only here to get
your license back.

Relax, Mom.
You'll have fun.

These are party people.

Hi, welcome to our meeting.
I'm the speaker tonight.

Oh, you're Margaret D.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm Roseanne C.

This is Jackie O.

And that's our mother,
Beverly Lorraine Harris.

I'm going to
powder my nose.

Huge cokehead.

Well, I'm four years sober.
How much time do you have?

Oh, well,
I'm three
months pregnant,

so...

It's about
two weeks for me.

[laughs]

How much time
you got, Jackie?

She's just kidding.
We're not really alcoholics.

Oh, well, you do know
that these meetings are
only for people in recovery?

Now, Jackie, you don't
have to lie to her

about how rough
your life has been.

She's years-old.

There's nothing
to be ashamed of.

We've all hit
rock bottom.

Well, I'm clean now.

And what I'm most proud of

is that I was able
to quit drinking

without gaining
a ton of weight.

Well, one day at a time.

And a Welcome Back, Kotter
to you, too.

[laughs]

Oh, my God!

What?
It's Leon!

Hey, Roseanne!

Wow, I must have stumbled
into the wrong room.

Is this overeaters anonymous?

Well, gee, Leon, I always kind
of figured you for an alky.

I guess you'd have
to be pretty drunk

to do what you do in bed.

Yeah, I've noticed that
Dan drinks quite a bit, too.

Pretty quick for a rummy.

You know, your feeble
attempts at wit don't
bother me, Roseanne.

These people are
the world to me.

They're kind,
supportive, caring.

And you on the other hand
are cruel, vindictive,

and poorly dressed.

No, Leon, they do not have
Whites Only AA.

[all]
Keep coming back.
It works.

Oh, man, how depressing
were those stories?

That last guy
was the worst.

Imagine passing out
on the train tracks.

You think he would've
learned his lesson
after he lost that first arm.

Come on, Mom.
Let's get your thing
signed for the judge.

Mom.

I'm one of these people.

What are you talking about?

It's true, I'm an alcoholic.

I just didn't realize it
until I heard all
these people talking.

C'mon, Mom, is this gonna be
like when you saw Witness

and thought you were Amish?

I drink every day.

I drink whenever
I'm alone.

I am an alcoholic.

My God, I can't believe
all these years...

Mom's a drunk.

Yeah, you think she would
have been more fun.

It's true, Roseanne.

This week of sobriety has
been the best of my life.

Every day and in every way,
I'm getting better and better.

Of course, that's due
to my higher power.

Oh, Mom, thank you, but
I can't take all the credit.

It's been so long since
we made gingerbread cookies.

It's very sweet of you
to take time off to spend
the afternoon

with your old,
alcoholic grandma.

Yeah, well, Mom misled me.

I thought she meant
we would be drinking.

You know, Mom,
just last night,

Darlene was asking me
if there was any downside

to drinking at all?

You're at a very
critical age, Darlene.

You've got to look out
for these good time Charlies

who want to ply
a girl with liquor.

You could wake up
with something a lot
worse than a hangover.

That's true, Darlene,

'cause a lot of these guys
don't want to leave
in the morning.

And these days it's not just
the risk of pregnancy.

A woman of the ' s has
to look out for the herpes.

Excuse me, Grandma,

there's, like, or
guys I gotta call.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You get back in there.

No way.

You said David and Becky
weren't gonna be here.

You didn't tell me
I was gonna have to

spend the afternoon baking
with Drunken Hines.

[laughs]

What are you laughing at?

Uh...

Beetle Bailey.
He's loafing again.

Will he never learn?

So, what are you doing?
Get rid of that beer!

You are not allowed to drink
when my mother's here.

Oh, geez, Roseanne,

don't you think you're going
a little overboard with this?

No, I don't, Dan.

My mother has a disease,

and it's not one of those
good ones like lockjaw.

It's a disease like cancer.

Would you be making fun
of her if she had cancer?

What, like, toe cancer,
or whole body cancer?

Oh, okay, you're right.
I'm sorry.

I'll try harder.

Yeah, me too.

Well, thanks, you guys.

There'll be a little extra
hash in your brownies tonight.

Hey, you two, I need someone
to put raisins in the eyes.

You hold her down,
I'll get the raisins.

Oh!

You know, I can't believe he's
gonna sit out the Super Bowl

because of a twisted ankle.

Football players today ain't
nothing but a bunch of babies.

Man, you got that right.

d*ck Butkus would
have played without pads.

As a matter of fact,
I seem to recall one year

he petitioned the league
to play without a helmet.

Sissy owners
wouldn't let him.

That's nothing.
You want to talk tough?

When the Aztecs
invented the game,

they didn't have a ball,
so they used a human head.

Come on.

No, that's true.

And they played for weeks
until everybody was dead

except for one guy,
and they made him king.

Now, that's football.

Yoo hoo!
We're here, Roseanne!

Oh, gee, Mom,
what a surprise.

I really didn't think
Jackie would be
bringing you by today.

You could just knock me
over with a feather.

And wonder what I could
knock you over with, Jackie.

Well, Mom suggested
that we stop by.

Oh, by the way, Roseanne,

my bridge club
is meeting tomorrow,

and I'll need you
to drive me to Elgin.

I was hoping you wouldn't
find this out, Mom,

but I'm wanted in Elgin.

Oh, well, that's fine.

It's just, they serve
sherry there,

and I didn't want
to go alone.

All right, I'll take you.

Thank you, dear.

Well, I drank so much
coffee at my meeting,

I tell you, I'm wired.

Piddle time!

I'm sorry, she insisted
on coming over here!

But it's your turn!

I have to make pigs
in the blanket

for pigs in
the living room.

Oh, thank God, I thought
I heard your mother.

Kind of like those guys
in 'Nam who still
hear the choppers.

Yeah, except for it's more
like those guys in 'Nam
who are still in 'Nam.

Oh, no.

She can't be here.
It's the Super Bowl!

I got a pony keg
out in the garage.

Well, you guys will
have to hurry up

and drink it
in two minutes.

A pony keg in two minutes?

Give me a break, Roseanne, we
ain't in high school no more.

Oh, that's unusual.

Someone's left his crutch
on the kitchen table.

Well, why don't you let me
order you some of that

non-alcoholic beer I used
to heat up for D.J.'s bottle.

Well, you're busy,
then, Roseanne.

So why don't I just
go to the store for ya?

Oh, that's nice
of you, Jackie,

but I'm going to go
to the store myself.

I have a lot of
errands to run,

and I'll probably be
gone for a long time.

Well, I'm off
to the super game!

I'll flip you for it.

Winner gets to
leave the house.

Call it.
Heads.

All right!
It's heads.

I win!

Roseanne!

I hope none of your friends
minded not being able to drink.

Nah.

These Super Bowl parties
pretty much break up
after kick off, anyway.

The party won't be dull!
I brought a Chex mix!

Say, that boy looks like
the Bishop boy who lived
down the street.

Jackie, do you think
that could be him?

Yes, Mother, that's him.

I don't remember him
being that tall.

He grew.

Well, he used to have
long hair, thought, didn't he?

He cut it.

No, I don't think that's him.

You're right,
Mother, it's not.

Uh, these beer commercials.

I don't like them one bit.

They do nothing
but promote drinking.

They are just saying
to the American public,

that if they drink,

they are going to be like
those fancy-pants hipsters

in the ad.

[beer opening on TV]

[beer being poured]

Now who really drinks
beer that cold?

I mean, look at the
frost forming on
the inside of that bottle.

And why do they
pour it so slowly?

You're right.
That's one of the things
ruining this country.

I'm gonna put up the flag,

and I'm pretty sure
it's out in the garage!

Good thinking, Dan!

I better get
out there, too.

I don't want Old Glory
dragging on the ground.

Is that Jackson boy
gonna be singing

at the intermission
this year?

He's wonderful
with the children.

[cheering]

Oh, man, he's good.

Touch-a-doodle-down-dee!

Oh, man, we've been
out here for over an hour.

We'd better go back inside.

Are you crazy, man?

She's in there!

Bev.

Beverage.

Non-alcoholic
Beverage is in there.

You know, Roseanne's gonna
be back really soon,

and she's gonna be mad
when she finds out
we've been drinking.

Oh, yeah?

Well, she will
never be the wiser.

Breath mints.

Breath mints?

That is just
crazy enough to work.

One breath mint.

Damn!

Damn, damn it all to hell!

[Beverly]
Yoo-hoo, are you in there?

Oh, God, too late!

It's her!
Here she comes.

[belches]

One, two, three.

* For she's a jolly
good fellow *

* For she's a jolly
good fellow *

* For she's a jolly
good fellow *

A party?
For me?

Yes, a party for you.

To celebrate...

Celebrate.
[laughs]

Celebrate five days
of not drinking.

Hear hear!

[cheering]

Yeah!

You're all drunk!

Well, yeah.
It's a party!

I can't believe
you would do this to me.

No one cares.
No one cares!

Man, she is an ugly sober.

Well, better go
look for her.

You know what, Dan?

She's not a jolly good fellow.

Hey, Mom, look, I got all
these sodas for half-price.

I went by your
old liquor store.

They're having a going
out of business sale.

This is a sick house, Roseanne.

They're all drunk.

Well, lookie who's home.

Lookie who's home.

Well, you said
that already.

You know, Mom just said
the funniest thing.

She said that you guys were
all drunk out there,

and I said, well, that
cannot possible be,

because I specifically
told them

that they cannot drink
when mother's here

and they cannot be drunk
because if they were drunk,

then me doing this would
make you both want to puke.

Stop.

Please, stop.

You can't do one thing.

You cannot stay sober while
my mother, the alcoholic,

is in the house.

Oh, please, Roseanne.

Your mother is
not an alcoholic.

I drink way more
than she does.

Do I look like an
alcoholic to you?

I'm over here, Dan.

Okay, so we had
a little drink.

It's a special day.

We had just enough to enhance
this very special occasion.

Isn't that right, Jackie?

Jackie.

Well, here, let me
help you, Dan.

Yes, we just had
a little to drink.

[thud]

How...

Can I make
you understand

the importance
of Super Bowl Sunday?

Perhaps that answer will
come to me in a dream.

Why don't you just lay
on the floor, Dan,

and save yourself
that embarrassing
fall off the bed?

Are you okay, Mom?

Yes, I'm just warning your son
about what can happen
when you drink too much.

He is what can happen
when you drink too much.

Mom, is Dad an alcoholic?

What are you
telling him?

Only the truth.

And if your father
doesn't get help,

he's gonna die!

I don't want Dad to die!

Oh, he's not
gonna die, D.J.

Go check for yourself.
He's in the bedroom.

Make sure he's not
sleeping on his back.

I don't see any point
in lying to the boy.

He's going to have to face the
ugly truth sooner or later.

Dan is not
an alcoholic, Mom.

Considering the life he leads,

I don't think he drinks
nearly enough.

Of course you think that.

You're in denial.

Your whole family is
completely dysfunctional

because of an alcoholic father
and a mother who is nothing

but an enabler.

Well, that must have been
tough for you, Mom.

You know, they say
the first step is admitting

that everyone else
has a problem.

Oh, fine.

Just dismiss me, Roseanne.

I'll just go on home
and maybe I'll have a drink.

Oh, come on.

I'm serious.

I did yesterday.

What?

Well, I asked you
to stay with me

until the news was over,

but you had to hurry home

and I felt very lonely,

and had a drink.

Get out.

What?

I want you to get
out of here before
I have a drink.

You're not just an alcoholic.
You're a carrier.

You can't understand what
I'm going through, Roseanne.

I have no control!

That is a lot of bull.

Ever since you became
this huge victim,

you've got control
over everybody.

I'm an alcoholic, Roseanne.

Don't you realize
what that means?

Yeah, I know exactly
what that means, Mom.

That means you drink,
like you always drank.

Only now you're calling
yourself an alcoholic

because you think that way
you don't have to take
any responsibility

for anything that you do.

Well, goodbye.

I should have
expected this.

They told me that
the people around me
might want me to fail.

I guess my real
family is at AA.

Keep going home.
It works.

You know, Mom,
just last night,
Darlene was asking me

if there was any
downside to drinking at all?

You're at a very
critical age, Darlene.

You've got to look out
for these goodtime Johnnies

who are going to try
to ply you with liquor.

[laughing]

[laughing]

Oh, I'm in trouble now.

[Director]
All right, here we go.
Stand by.

Okay.

[Director]
Okay.

[laughing]

[Director]
Here we go.

Stand by.

In five--

[laughing]

Sorry.
Don't get me started.

[Director]
Hey, Gils, could you turn out?

Sure.

[Director]
There we go.
Stand by.

In five, four, three, two--

You know, Mom, just
last night, uh,

Darlene was asking me
if there was any

downside to drinking at all?

You're at--
[laughing]