07x18 - Single Married Female

[bunniefuu]

**[harmonica]

Stacy, uh...
can't wear that.

Have to think of
the customers.

Yeah, she's right.
Stacy. I mean,
these are truckers.

What's with the bra?

This isn't for work.
I have a blind date.

Oh, a blind
date.

Oh, that's such
a nice dress.

I can see you're
an outie.

Can she be anymore
annoying?

Well, she can dye her hair black
and gain pounds.

Do you find her at all
attractive?

Nope.

Man, am I gay.

Excuse me, uh,
I'm looking for Stacy.

I'm Stacy.

Are you the only Stacy
who works here?

Yeah.

The one who's got a blind date
with a guy named Pete?

Yeah, that's me.

Hey, do you guys sell
lottery tickets here?

Look, Pete, I still
have to work for
another half an hour.

Would it be okay
if I just met you
at the club?

Oh, sure, sure.

This is the Lunchbox on Main,
right?

I'll see you there.

[sighs]

[groans]

Excuse me, ma'am,
can I help you?

Oh, I'm sorry,
you work here.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just get so confused
'cause I just see you
sitting around everywhere.

I can't go out
with that guy.

He's wearing a tie.

Well, Stacy, be optimistic.

Maybe he's on trial
for something.

Jackie, will you come
dancing with me?

I'd feel much better if
I had a girlfriend with me.

Well, then perhaps you should
find one, Ms. Flagler.

I am running a business here,

and the boss-employee
relationship is the lynch-pin

of that aforementioned
enterprise.

Does Lee Iacocca go gallivanting
around with his mechanics?

I don't think so!

Jackie, have you
seen Roseanne?

Yes, she is at
Auntie Barbara's, Mother.

Well, why didn't
she tell me?

I'd have gone
with her.

Well, I guess she never
thought of that.

Is this your mother?

Hi!

I'm Stacy,
the new bus person.

My, well aren't you
a pretty thing,

and it's so nice
you're not afraid
to show everybody.

Mother, I will tell
my employees how
they can dress.

I should have known
you'd approve of this.

It looks like something
you might have worn
in your wilder days,

if you had a bosom.

Mother, I don't need you
harassing the help.

I would never dream of
being critical.

I mean,
I hardly know the girl.

Perhaps she'll get pregnant
on a first date and
settle down like you did.

For heaven's sake,
Mother!

I know why
you're saying
these things.

Excuse me?

I used to think that people
that insulted me were just
mean, stupid or horrible,

but now I think it's just
because they've never had
really good sex.

What are you
talking about?

Well, here's a
really good test.

Have you ever done it
and when you were through,

your hands were just
filled with his hair,

but you don't remember
pulling it out?

Jackie, are you going
to let her talk to me
like this?

Well, I'd kinda like to hear
the answer to that, Mom.

Well, uh...I'm leaving.

I'm going to have
a respectable
conversation

with a couple
of longshoremen.

Stacy!
I'm sorry!

I was just trying
to help.

Are you mad at me?

No, no!
Come on!

The way you just
treated my mom,

I feel like dancing.

** [theme]

[laughs]

Hey, this is
the life, ain't it?

Ah? No women around,

boobs on a tube
and a cold bottle
beside ya.

Great job.

You know,
a good thing about
these blowouts

is they show more of
the cheerleaders.

'Course, there's no
milk in those,

but they're fun
to look at
just the same.

Are you doing
what I think
you're doing?

Oh, yes, you are!

Here's a little
something to read.

D.J., I don't
know if I can go
through with this.

Look, you don't have
a lot of friends
so don't cross me.

Hey, Dad! Is it
alright if George
sleeps over tonight?

No! You got
school tomorrow.

Well, no we don't.
It's Washington's
birthday.

Well, wait a minute.
Didn't you just have
yesterday off for,

whatever they call it,
President's Day?

Yeah, but that was
to celebrate all
Presidents.

I mean, this is just
to celebrate

George Washington
all by himself, right?

Uh, yeah, right.

Oh, well, ain't
that swell.

So you boys have
tomorrow off, too.

Yeah, it's great.
Uh, we gotta go now.

No, no.
I want to talk
to George now.

Oh, God.

Hello, George.

Hey, you probably
studied a lot about
Washington in school, huh?

What was it he said
the time he chopped down
that cherry tree?

I cannot tell a...

...lie?

Yeah, that's it.

And here he is...
on the quarter.

And right next to
his head,

the motto of
our proud nation,

"In God We Trust"

Do you believe in God,
George?

Okay, we were lying.
I'm sorry.
School's open.

I'm sorry.
Just don't tell
my mom.

I hate you.

Hi.

Well, come on, Dad,
I mean,

you have to admit that was
a pretty good one.

We really had you
going there.

Yeah,
you sure did
have me going.

And I'll tell
you what?
No punishment.

Really?

No, but I had you
going, didn't I?

Hey, Dan,

can I get your opinion
on something?

Do you think it's alright
for one spouse

to go out for a night of fun
without the other spouse?

Yes.

Jackie, if Fred
wants to play poker
on Thursday night,

you should let him.

It's Jackie that
wants to go out.

I wasn't listening.
What were we talking about?

She wants to go out
again with Stacy

like she did
last night,

and I just don't think
doing separate stuff

can be healthy
for the marriage.

Dan and Roseanne do separate
stuff all the time.

That doesn't mean
that he likes it.

You hate it when
Roseanne's away
from you,

don't you, Dan?

Yes.

Good effort, Dan.

Oh, Fred, look,

a couple spending time apart
is critical for a marriage.

If Roseanne didn't go on
these periodic trips,

I'd only have death
to look forward to.

Fine, go dancing
with Stacy.

I'll be in the car.

Thanks a lot, Dan.

Oh...he just hates it when
we fight before dinner.

Around here,
we call that grace.

Hey, Jackson!

Oh, Dan! Hi!
What are you
doing here?

Well, Roseanne's
out of town.

D.J. needed help with
his homework. Voilá!

Where's Fred?

Fred didn't come.

Oh, I get it.
This is your
girl's night out.

Yeah, so the hens
are going to start

with the clucking
the girl talk.

I'll see
ya later, Dan.

Hey, if you's a-gonna
trash men,

I got a complaint
for ya.

I'm always complimenting
that Brad at work,

but does he ever give me
a hug? N-O.

Hey!
Hey!

Dan, this
is Pete.

Pete, Dan.
Hey.

Pete goes out
with Stacy.

Ah. Where is Stacey?

Well, he goes out
without Stacy too.

Where is Stacy,
anyway?

Um, my guess is
she's at home.

She's at home?
Oh, drag...

Aw, darn it.
Huge drag...

Jackie, how about
a game of pool?

No, I don't wanna...

Pete, stay here
and guard the stools.

Jackie, pool.

Okay, girl talk.
I broke a nail last week.
Now, you!

I know.

I know what it
looks like.

Yeah, it looks like
you're out in a bar
with a man.

Well, you're just
reading that
into it, Dan.

Pete is a person who
happens to be male

and we are in an
establishment

that happens to
serve beverages

so, pardon me for
being in a building
with a human being.

Oh, you are definitely
in a bar with a man.

For all I know,
he's a good-looking man.

We are friends who
like to go out dancing.

Nothing is going
to happen. Nothing
happened last night.

It's not going
to happen tonight.

Last night?

I--You hadn't put that
together yet, had you?

You gotta to tell Fred
about this or he'll
pick it up on the streets.

How's that going
to happen?

I will stand in the street
and yell it at your house.

Dan...

You're not going
to do that.

And why
upset Fred
over nothing?

You swear to me that
there's nothing going on
between you and this guy?

Cross my legs
and hope to die.

All right,
I believe you.

Hey, can I have
the winner?

Sure, Pete.
Unless I win.

Can't have me!

Hi, Dan.
k*lling yourself?

Hey, Fred.

Didn't expect to
see you here.

years
of burnt fat
and gristle.

Turns out it's a lot
bigger inside than
what we thought.

I just came by to apologize
for the other day.

You don't have
to do that.

No, you were right
about Jackie going out.

I have never seen
her happier.

Fred, I really, really
don't want to take
any credit for that.

Hey, this is cool.

You got all your screws
and your washers separated
into these little baby jars.

Maybe I should
do this, huh?

Well, Fred,
that's up to you.

I'm not giving out
any more advice.

I was just asking.

No, Fred, no more.

I'm not handing out
any more free advice,
willy-nilly.

You figure out
the baby jar thing
for yourself.

Ok, Dan.
See ya later.

Oh, listen.
I might be late for
your poker game tonight.

I gotta find a sitter
'cause Jackie is having
another night out.

Okay, see ya.

Hello, Aunt Barbara?
It's Dan.
Is Roseanne there?

(shouting)
Roseanne! Roseanne!

The big lady
on the couch!

The couch! The couch!

The long chair!

Okay, I'll wait.

You know, I don't get
why the weatherman

always puts up a sun
with a big smiley face on it.

I mean, just 'cause
it's sunny doesn't mean
you gotta be happy.

That is
the stupidest thing
I have ever heard.

Hey, you're the one
who's always
so philosophical.

Why didn't you
tell me she
wasn't there?

(hangs up phone)

What's wrong, man?

You're pacing back and forth
like a caged...guy.

Nothing,
it's just stuff.

Can we help?

No, you must be
this big to ride
this problem.

Mr. Connor, you help us out
with problems all the time.

Can't we help you once?

Okay.

There's this
friend of mine

and all signs
seem to point
to the fact

that his wife is
maybe, sort of
cheating on him.

Wow.
Yeah.

See, she claims she was
out with this other
woman, but...

it seems as though she
was actually with a man

and the husband is
sitting home all
by himself.

I'm sorry, man,
Mrs. Connor sucks.

Mark, no,
it's not Mrs. Connor.

Come on, Dan,
away with another woman,
husband home alone.

I'm not stupid.
Who's the guy?
Let's get 'em!

Mark!

Mark, we're not
gonna beat
anybody up.

Wait, I got you.
You're glad to be rid of her.

Uh, me too.

She's a mean 'ole bat.
You can do way better than her.

Again, Mark,
it's not
Mrs. Connor,

but I'll be sure to
let her know how
you feel about her.

Mr. Connor, do you want
to talk anymore about
your friend's problem?

No, thanks.

It's okay.
Mark won't come in.
He just heard a fire truck.

Come on.

It's just,
I don't know
what to do here.

I mean, the wife doesn't
have the decency to try
to hide it.

It's almost like
she's flaunting it.

Well, if she's not
trying to hide it,

then my guess is,
she wants to get caught.

What are you
talking about?

Maybe she wants
attention.

It's like when D.J.
does something wrong
directly in front of you.

When you yell at him,
he still knows you
care about him.

Oh, no.
That's just what
Mrs. Connor said.

More often than not,
we don't care about
the boy.

All I'm saying is...

is that maybe if your
friend paid a little more
attention to his wife,

then she might just stop
doing this stuff and the
problems would go away.

Maybe.

Thanks, David.
You're all right.

Thanks.

Oh, God.
Mr. Connor,
don't break up.

You guys
are like my
mom and dad.

(knock on door)

Hey, buddy,
glad you could make it.

Where is
everybody?

Poker is still on,
isn't it?

Yeah, I told everybody
to show up a little late.

I kinda need to
talk to you.

Sounds serious.

Okay...

there's no easy way to
say this, so, uh...

here.

What's this?
It's the letter
I wrote ya.

Uh...I figure, you
can read it while
I'm in the kitchen,

get through your
emotional stuff

and then, if you want to,
come on in and play poker.

Whoa. You caught Jackie
with another man.

What is this?
It's in
the letter.

I'll be in
the kitchen.
Wait a second, Dan!

Was she kissing him?
Was he touching her?

Dan, you gotta tell me
what you saw.

Okay, I'll
try to make
this quick.

Hey, guys!

Too late.

Dan, I gotta
hear this.

Well, Bob, you weren't
supposed to show up for
another half an hour, buddy.

Not my fault, Dan.
I was getting on
my wife's nerves.

Uh, look could you put
this beer in the frig,
and just give us a sec.

You got it.

Fred.

Okay, start at
the beginning.

Where did you
catch her?

It was at the Lobo,

and I really don't
think anything's
happened yet.

But, you
don't know that.

Hey, anybody want
a brewski?

No, thanks.

What?
You don't
want a beer?

Somebody call
the paper.

Dan doesn't
want a beer.

Okay, Bob.
I'll take a beer.

You got it.

Look, I talked to
her about this,

and she swears
they're just
friends.

Then what the hell
is she doing with him?

Dan-O!

Where's your
bottle opener?

They're twist-offs,
Bob.

Yeah,
I know, but...

I got this real
delicate skin,

and I'm not just
saying that.

The doctor
told me.

Look, Bob,
Nobody wants a beer.

We don't want to hear
about your skin.

We just need two minutes alone.
Can you do that?

(shouting)
Please?

Yeah.
Sure, Dan.

Just making
conversation.

Look, Fred, I'm pretty
sure it was just
a cry for attention.

It was almost,
like she wanted
to be caught.

You think that's
all it is?

I'm pretty sure.

So, just spend
more time with her.

Show her a good time.

Act like you're dating
again.

No.

Well, why not?

Because I married
an adult, Dan.

If she's got a problem,
she should tell me.

I'm not going to play these
stupid high school games.

Marriage is not
a game, Fred!

A game is something
fun and you can win.

Marriage is
a blood sport.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I'll just have
to do something.

Good.

I really think
it'll help.

Thanks, Dan.
You're a good friend.

(door closes)

Dan!

What?

I'm lonely.

My, you are good.

You know don't
dance like a guy.

I mean, obviously
you are a guy,

so you do dance
like a guy.

But I mean,
you dance like a guy

who's like a really
good dancer who just
happens to be a guy.

Well, thanks.
I guess...

Where'd you
learn to dance
like that?

Oh, out of nowhere.
I just picked it up.

Oh, come on, you don't
pick up steps like that
from anywhere.

No, it's nothing.
It's just that I, uh...

I used to take ballet.

Used to what?

I took ballet!

Well, you know, lots
of kid's moms make
them take ballet.

Mom was against it.

Well...little kids
like to experiment.

I was .

Those rebel teens.

I still go
Tuesday nights.

Well--[laughs]--
Um...

I have hemorrhoids.

You do?

No, I'm just trying
to think of something
to make you feel better.

You want a beer?
Yeah.

What kind, honey?

Uh, just a light.

What'd you just call me?

Oh, I think
I said "honey."

I guess I was being
presumptuous, huh?

No. No, it felt good.

Good.

What the hell am I
doing here?

Jackie?

You called me "honey,"
and I liked it.

It felt good.
I mean, it felt more than good.
It felt right.

Well...good and right.
Those are good
and right, right?

I am a married woman.
I have a child.

She's not used
to the beer.

I am cheating on
my husband.

Jackie! We haven't
even held hands!

Don't touch me!

You and your lively
fun self luring me.

You should be ashamed
of yourself.

We should both be ashamed.

I really have enjoyed
your company.

I'm sorry it couldn't
work out.

All of you!
All of you, go home to
your husbands!

Good, I'm really glad
you're here.

We need to talk.
Do that...

You wanna talk?

Fine.

Here's my
phone number.

What is this?
I'm leaving.

What?

Did you go out with
another man tonight?

No, I know...
but I can explain.

That's explanation
enough for me.

Fred, wait...
Wait, now...
Nothing happened.

You broke the rules,
Jackie.

What rules?
The rules of marriage!

We both agreed to them.
You broke them,
and now I'm leaving.

We have to talk about it.

No!

You may have noticed that I was
not on tonight's episode.

That's because I'm pregnant,
and the doctors ordered me
to stay in bed.

But you needn't worry about me.
I will be paid.

Now, we have many younger
viewers,

and they're probably wondering
where babies come from.

Since I always felt that TV
should not only entertain

but also educate,
I'd like to tell you.

When a woman decides that she's
ready to have a baby,

she finds herself a man.

It could be a limo driver
or a bodyguard,

it really doesn't matter,
as long as he's younger

and not in show business.

Now, the man and the woman
go off together alone

to a place where they can
conceive a child.

This place is called a clinic.

The man is sent to one room
and the woman to another.

The woman's egg and the man's
sperm are put together

and manipulated by a laser
and doctors.

Then, they are placed back
in the womb

and monitored by ultrasound
and hormone therapy

until the many experts are sure
that conception has occurred.

Now, I know it may be hard for
many of your children

to picture your own parents
doing this,

but someday you will understand.

It is the most beautiful
and intimate experience

that can be shared
by a woman, a man...

and their fertility expert.

I'll be back next week.