07x19 & 07x20 - All About Rosey Pt. 1 & 2

[bunniefuu]

Is anyone down there, Jackie?

This is spooky, Roseanne.

I think there may
be rats in here.

Good.
Tell them their
queen has arrived.

I don't think anyone's
in here, Roseanne.

Maybe we should've
made an appointment.

Yeah, well, if she's such
a good fortune teller,

she should've known
we were coming.

[bell ringing]

Greetings.

[ringing bell]

Madame Zaftig
bids you enter.

I gotta see this.

How ya doing?

Madame Zaftig sees all,
hears all, and knows all.

Okay, I want to
know my future.

Start with who
I'm gonna marry.

Is Roseanne gonna
marry Paul McCartney?

Of course I am!

And every night will
be like Prince Charming
and Cinderella,

and I'll be Cinderella.

I see a man.

The man of your future.

Yeah, I was a pretty good
wrestler in junior high school.

Coach used to call me
"Damaging" Dan Conner.

God, don't make me listen
to that boring story again.

Putting in a bid
on a drywall job.

Great money if I get it.

You're not gonna get it.

Be a lot of guys bidding.

And they're all better
than you, I bet.

Hey, I'm pretty good!

You are not!
Yes, I am!

You're not, either.
I am the best!

You're the worst.

I am drywall master
of the universe!

Agh!

Agh!

[giggling]

Ooh!
Oh!

Look out, ladies
and gentlemen.

It's a front suplex!
[screaming]

No, he's got her over!

He's going for it!

You think this is
a magic kingdom

where you just sit
up here on your throne.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah!

And you think everything gets
done by some wonderful wizard.

Oh, poof,
the laundry's folded.

Poof, dinner's on the table.

You want me to fix dinner?
I'll fix dinner.

I'm fixing dinner!

Oh, but honey, you just
fixed dinner three years ago.

He's bouncing off the ropes!

Ladies and gentlemen,
bar the door!

Look out!

Holy cow!

He's setting her up
for a heart punch.

Oh!
It's illegal
in states.

[laughing]

Hey, listen,
tell me something,

'cause I gotta know.

What do you and your fat wife
think of my new hat?

Just this once.

Let's get out of here.

Holy cow,
ladies and gentlemen!

Iceman Dan Conner
has gone berserk!

He's setting her up.

He's got her.

One!
Two!

Three!
Do you quit?

One more.

Wow.

So that's what
Paul McCartney is gonna
look like in years.

Okay, now tell me
my whole future.

I want to hear everything.

Your whole future?

But you only gave
Madame Zaftig a dollar.

Well, what did that buy me?

I'll show you
through .

[laughing]

Roseanne, it's my turn.

I want to know
about my future.

Forget it, Jackie.
Your future's written
on the wall.

The wall of the boy's room.

Oh, gross.
I hate boys.

[snorts]

That, my dear, will change.

Well, okay.

How many men did you
date before we met?

Well, do you mean dated
at all, or dated seriously?

I mean seriously.

Okay, I'd have to say...

just a few.

Good.

It's not that I mind if
you slept with a lot of guys.

Oh, well, slept with...

Well...
[laughs]

That's not what you asked me.

No, I guess it wasn't.

Well, Fred, don't worry.

It's not that many.

I'd say three a year.

Since you were, what, ?

Okay, we'll go with that.

Oh.
Wow.

Well, Fred, that's
not that many.

Three a year
for years is .

Wow.

God.

I don't even know people.

Well, I didn't know
all of them.

Jackie, Mom and me
were just talking.

Just a second, Roseanne,
there's something I want
to tell my mother.

Mom, I'm pregnant.

I went out with a guy
I hardly know.

We had sex for hours,
and I got pregnant.

And I'm not gonna marry him.

[laughs]

I'm keeping the baby,

and if it's a girl,
I'm naming it Gidget.

What is it, Jackie?

Well, I just wanted
to tell you

that I've been
thinking about it,

and I've come
to the conclusion

that it's never coming out.

Never.

I'm gonna be
a -year old woman

carrying a -year old baby.

Jackie, you're only
three days overdue.

I have a three day old
child inside of me!

Look at me!

It's huge!

Yes, but you have
a very pretty face.

[sobbing]

Eww!
Look it!

What is that?

What the--how come
it's like that?

How, Roseanne, how is
this gonna come out of this?

Relax, Jackie.

These have been
coming out of those

for millions and
millions of years.

Muscles stretch,
bones break.

I'm sick of being pregnant.

Well, maybe it's
like a turkey.

You know, when this
comes out, it's ready.

Oh, cut it out.

I do.

By the power vested in me
by the state of Illinois,

I know pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss
the bride.

Just let me
switch sides, first.

Stop looking, Roseanne.
This is my future.

I paid for this, Jackie.
I own your future.

I'm sick of you bossing
me around, Roseanne.

Well, I'll give you
Billy Schmitz I.D. bracelet

if you let me boss you around
for the rest of your life.

Okay.

Oh, come on,
this guy is great!

All those little irritating
things you do,

he thinks they're cute!

He walked in here and
he gave me an ultimatum.

He told me to quit the force.

Well, so what?
I've been telling you

to quit the force since
the day you started.

Yeah, and I've been
trying to break up with you,

but you won't seem
to go away.

Look, becoming a cop
is something I worked
very, very hard for.

What would you do
if Dan just demanded

that you give up the house
and the job and the kids?

I am gonna do exactly
what you would do.

You would never let a man
tell you how to run your life.

I want somebody who'll love
and support me no matter what,

just like Dan does for you.

Are you insane?

Do you know how many years
I had to put in to Dan?

You think he came
out of a box like that?

Now you could put those
same years into Gary.

I'm telling you, he is
the perfect guy for you.

No, Roseanne, he's
the perfect guy for you.

You just want him
to settle down

and take care of
your flaky sister

so you don't have to
worry about her anymore.

Well, that's okay,
you don't have to worry
about her anymore

because she's gonna
be just fine!

[sobs]

This takes a little more effort
than a high school romance.

You know, I live with
Fisher, Roseanne.

Well, so maybe
that's your problem.

Maybe you and Fisher spend
too much time together.

I never would have moved in
with no guy so damn fast.

Maybe you wouldn't, but
this isn't you, it's me.

And there's a real easy way
to tell us apart.

You--

Me.

You.

Me.

What is your problem?

You.

You, you are my problem.

Ah, what'd I do now?

Same thing as you
always do, Roseanne.

You sit up
there on your...

Pedestal?
Yeah.

You act like some
big high and mighty
self-righteous...

pedestal type person,

and you poo-poo
everything in my life.

Yeah, and you go right for
your addictive behavior.

'Cause you cannot
handle conflict.

That is the whole thing.
You cannot handle conflict.

Remember, we saw
that whole thing on Oprah.

People who cannot handle
conflict so right away,

they run for the alcohol.

Well, have another shot
of pancake, Roseanne.

Take your best shot.

[laughs]

[mocking]
Your best shot.

You know that I would just
knock your lights out.

Well, then, go ahead.

Make my day.

Ow!
Ow!

[screaming]

Excuse me?

Is this like a sex thing?

That's it, I'm not
making any more calls.

You do the rest
of the family list.

I can't call
people, Roseanne!

Jackie, dial.

I'm supposed to
be in mourning.

Well, then wear a veil over
your face while you do it.

Can't--

Auntie Barbara?

It's Jackie.

Jackie.

I'm fine.

Fine.

I'm fine.

I have some bad news.

Dad is now with us anymore.

I said Dad has passed away.

He's passed away!

Dad is gone.

Dad's dead.

He's dead!

No, dead!

Dad!

He's fine.
He sends his love.

Bye.

I am not doing that again.
You can't make me.

Well, now, Miss Harris,

you're looking after
your nephew, D.J., huh?

Yes, I am his only
surviving relative.

I mean, that will
speak to him.

I had to bring him to you,
doctor, because D.J. has
become so unmanageable lately.

Well, why don't we bring
D.J. in right now.

tiles on the
waiting room floor.

.

He looks just
like his mother.

Hello, D.J.

She's not the same.
They say she's the same,
but she's not the same.

He just repeats
that to himself.

No one knows what it means.

Not the same at all.
Very different.

Well, now, why don't we
start with D.J.'s family?

Oh, D.J.'s family
was wonderful.

It was happiness
times joy plus love.

You stand on the
end of the board,

I'll jump on it and sh**t
you in the air, okay?

Okay.

Ready?

Ready.

Freeze right there!

What'd I tell you about
k*lling your brother
in the living room?

This is a pretty picture.
Is this the one for school?

There's Daddy, and me,

and Becky, and you.

Where's Darlene?
Right there.

That looks like
a bunch of flowers.

I know.
That's her grave.

I just had some questions
about God and stuff.

Well, so why didn't you come
to us if you had questions?

There's no two better people
to answer your questions

than me and your dad.

Okay.

What religion are we?

I have no idea.
Dan?

Well, my family's Pentecostal
on my mom's side,

Baptist on my dad's.

Your mom's mom was Lutheran
and her dad was Jewish.

So what do we believe?

Well...

We believe in being good,

so, basically,
we're good people.

Yeah, but we're
not practicing.

How come we
never say grace?

Because, D.J., grace
is for those who are thankful.

Darlene, D.J. has
a new interest,

and we're not going to
give him a hard time.

And I think saying grace
is a wonderful idea.

Dan, say grace.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
this involves touching?

Oh, Lord...

we thank thee

for providing this food...

which we have
gotten from thee.

Thine chicken is
particularly good.

Amen.

You know, I really liked that.

I think from now on
we need to be as serious

about our spiritual fitness

as we are about
our physical fitness.

D.J., come on.
I'm walking you
to school today.

Oh, no, you're not going
in that, are you?

Oh, no, D.J.

I wouldn't do that to you.

But, I would do...

This.

Oh, my, just a minute.

Wait one minute here.

This is for when
I kiss you goodbye.

Now, this is a very
delicate area,

but I just have to ask.

In D.J.'s family,

how did they deal with
the issue of sex?

[barks]

Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow.

Woop, woop, woop,
woop, woop.

Only in the most healthy
and appropriate ways.

Ow!

Mom!
Mom!

Damn.

She hit me!

I caught him peeking at me
getting dressed.

Honey, I told you
to cut that out.

You told me to stop
peeking at Becky!

Well, he's got me
there, Darlene.

What's going on?

Well, now the little
pervert's peeking at me.

Why?

Look, it was fun for everybody
when he was peeking at Becky,

but now, someone may get hurt.

[screams]

Hey, come here.
Darlene, go away.

Darlene called me a "prevert."

No, you're not
a "prevert," honey.

You're a pervert.

Hey, what are you
doing downstairs?

What's the matter
with your bathroom?

Uh, D.J.'s been in there
for, like, an hour.

Boy, he's just like you, Dan.

Why don't you run a
newspaper up to him?

He's got the door locked, and
it's like the third time today.

Maybe I oughta
go up there.

Trust me, I don't think
this is a time
that a boy needs his mother.

What are you
talking about?

Um, I think I know
what she's talking about.

And I think you know
what she's talking about

if you just think about
it for a minute.

Yeah, D.J.'s finally got
a friend that's not imaginary.

Oh, my God.

You don't know.

He could just be
brushing his teeth

or, you know, uh,

maybe he's compulsively
washing his hands,

or maybe it's something
totally harmless,

like chronic diarrhea.

Trust me, he goes in that room
'cause it's the only one
with a lock on it.

And he's in there for, like,
an hour at a time.

Which either means he's
really, really good at it,

or really, really bad at it.

Oh, my God.

Well, I don't want you to
give him any grief about this.

You could traumatize him

and turn him into a
serial k*ller, or something.

Well, don't worry, how much
damage could he do

with only one free hand?

Well, I've got an idea.

Let's talk about
D.J .'s school.

Yeah, I hear he got caught
playing with his
instrument in band.

I'm not in band, stupid.

Okay, next subject.

Dan...

how was work?

Well, today was
a special one for me.

It was the th
day in a row where I did
exactly the same thing.

Well, D.J. over here
is well on his way

to shattering that record.

You know, uh...

When I was , something
really embarrassing
happened to me.

You know, I never thought
I would get over it.

What?

Well...

You know, the junior high
had a dance, and, uh...

your grandma had bought me
this real pretty white dress

and in the middle
of the dance,

I looked down at the dress,

and there was a, uh--

very noticeable stain.

What was it?

Well, D.J., it seems that

I was going through
what all the girls
were going through

at a certain age.

I was having my first period.

Oh, my God!

I don't want to hear it!
I don't want to hear it!

Whoa, what's going on?

Mom told me a story I don't
want to hear anymore!

Well, that's no
reason for you

to go running out of the room
screaming like a maniac.

It was about her
having her period!

As you were.

[screaming]

Was I an accident?

No, D.J., you
were a surprise.

What's the difference?

Mmm, well...

An accident
is something that,

if you had to do
it over again,

you wouldn't.

But a surprise

is something that you didn't
even know you wanted

until you got it.

Was Darlene an accident?

No, Darlene was a disaster.

Darlene says I'm not gonna
be the baby anymore,

so nobody's gonna pay
any attention to me.

Well, I'll tell
you what, honey.

How about if we pay lots and
lots of attention to you?

I'll be happy
if you have a baby.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Finally, I get a chance
to kick some butt.

Well, perhaps his family
wasn't completely horrid.

The problem may have stemmed
from some other cause.

But what, doctor?

Why is D.J. the way he is?

Well, somewhere in his past,
something traumatic happened,

and D.J. just
split with reality.

Some key incident that he
cannot remove from his mind.

They say she's the same,
but she isn't the same.

If only we could get
into his head.

They say she's the same,
but she isn't the same.

Um...

Hello?

Thick thick, medium thick,
or thin thick?

Becky...

Mom, will you help me
with my hair?

Hey.

Mom and Dad, this is Mark.

Mark, these are my parents.

Hi!

[D.J.]
They say she's the same,
but she isn't the same.

They say she's the same,
but she isn't the same.

They say she's the same,
but she isn't the same.

We may never know
what that means.

They say she's the same,
but she isn't the same.

[car starting]

All right, so,
I'll lock up.

I just gotta put
some more chairs up.

See you later.

Bye, Rob.

Wow!

[all]
Hi, Roseanne!

Hi!
How are you?

Hello, dear.

Oh, no, not June Cleaver!

Wow!

Wow, beautiful pearls, June.

My God, it's Lassie's mom!

Yes!

And the "Don't Eat
the Daisy's" mom!

And the mom from the
Wonder bread, Wonder bra,
whatever.

And Weezie!

I love all you guys.

I can't believe
you're here.

What are you
doing here?

We're the sitcom mom
welcome wagon.

Well, yeah, well,
it's been seven years.

What took you
so long?

We had to make
sure you'd last.

So may families move
into our neighborhood,

and they're gone
in weeks.

I can't tell you
what this means to me.

I'm so honored that
you guys like my show.

Well, actually, we
haven't seen your show.

But we heard a few things.

Elizabeth Montgomery
was shocked,

and she's a witch.

You see, Roseanne, we've
all worked very hard

to promote the image
of motherhood.

And if what we've heard about
your show is true, well...

we're about as mad as
H-E-double hockey sticks!

Excuse my French.

Well, whatever you heard
is a hell of a damn lie.

Well, I'm afraid you're going
to have to prove it, dear.

Hey, I'm just as
wholesome as any of you.

I ain't the one
that named my kid Beaver.

I'm serious, Mother.

Bacon is loaded with
sodium, nitrates,
grease, and animal fat.

Breakfast!

Hey, I thought you
had pep squad today.

I'm quitting pep squad.
I'm quitting school.

I'm never going back again,

and if anybody calls me,

tell them I'm dead.

It must be serious.
She's not taking phone calls.

[Darlene]
Where is she?

Where is my sister?

She went upstairs.

Ah-ha!
I'll nail her
on her home turf.

Nah, you're
not nailing nobody.

What happened?

This is according
to Sheryl Brewer,

whose older sister not only
goes to Lanford high,

but it also on
the student council,

and had a ringside seat
for the event of the century.

Get to the point, Edna.

Okay.

Well, just as she
completes the line,

"I'd like to thank the
student council for
allowing me to speak my mind,"

it happened.

What happened?

Becky cut the cheese.

Well, now what?

Shut up, Dan.

What?

This isn't funny.

This is totally serious.

Why don't you go upstairs
and talk to her?

'Cause I figure this is
your area of expertise.

Tell us about this stud
we're gonna be meeting tonight.

Mother, you're not
gonna meet him.

Well, we're gonna
be at the bowling alley,

and Chip's gonna be
at the bowling alley.

[hick voice]
We're bound to run
into one another.

Please don't embarrass me.

Please.

Oh, honey, there's no way
we'd embarrass you.

Mom?

Yeah?

If you want it, I still
have some birthday money
I hid in my closet.

Awww...

No, you don't,
but thanks, anyway.

I can't handle this.
I'm outta here.

No, you're not
going any place.

You're grounded.

Okay, wait a minute, now.

I'm grounded for
lying to you guys

about living with
David, right?

Right!

Just like you
lied to Dad,

and said that you didn't
know that I was living
with him in Chicago

even though you did, right?

Excuse me?

Oh, you are in
so much trouble now.

Ratting out your own mother,

there's just, like, there's
nothing lower than that.

I mean, am I right, Dan?

Is that like--
ratting out your mom,

that's gotta be
the worst, right?

I'm going to Jackie's.

What are we gonna do with her?

I was thinking, you know,

um...

Just in case
we decide to,

um...

That it's time
for me to, um...

get some birth control.

Idn't it great, Roseanne?

That Becky has such a
wonderful, progressive,

open-minded mom that she
can talk to about that?

Oh, sure!

Darlene, you can't just
sit there and be kissed.

You gotta kiss back.

Or you can be
the one doing the kissing.

but boys don't like that.

How come?
I don't know.

It's like they think it's
their job, or something.

Well, how do you know
when to breathe?

You breathe whenever
you feel like it.

So, basically,
you just do this?

No, no, no, no, no.

You kind of...

Then you open your
mouth a little bit.

You open your mouth?

For what?

So you can slip
him the tongue.

Oh, my!

I'm glad I don't
stay up past : .

We moved on up to get away
from people like you.

You're supposed to teach your
children valuable lessons.

Do you have an episode
where your son breaks
a window with a baseball

and your husband makes him
go out and get a job
and pay for it?

Well, no, we couldn't do
an episode like that.

The network doesn't like it.
Too risky.

But we did have this one show
the network just loved.

It was about me
finding some old reefer

down in the basement.

Reefer?

Ask Eddie Haskell.

So, anyway's, I thought
it was David's.

You know, that's
the guy that's
sleeping with my daughter.

But, anyway, it turns out
that it was my old pot

so we start
smoking it, you know,

and...

Roseanne?

Mmm.

You are the most
wonderful,
beautiful,

sexy...

you know, thing.

I really, really, love you.

What?

I thought this stuff
would make me feel younger.

All I feel is old
and tired and hungry.

Man, maybe this is
how we got fat.

[Jackie]
Nobody loves me.

Oh, hi, Jackie!

We thought you went home.

Look at me.
I got nothing.

No boyfriend,
no meaningful job,

no husband, no family.

It's just me.

It's just me and my ganja.

[laughing]

[door slamming]

Did you hear that?

Sound's like somebody's coming
through the front door.

You're just being
all paranoid, Dan.

Ooh, birds, birds, birds!

Ooh, don't you hate that
when you're stoned?

I don't like it anytime.

[slamming]

Now don't tell me
you didn't hear that.

Is this the sink?
Am I shrinking?

[knocking on door]

Mom?

The jig is up!

D.J.

D.J.

Deeeee Jay.

D.J.
D.J.

Did you ever notice
how weird that sounds?

D.J.

Shhhh!

Dan, maintain.

[high pitched voice]
What do you want, D.J.?

God, you're right!

[D.J.]
Forgot my sleeping bag.
Where is it?

Oh, well, it is

out behind the
house, you know?

Past the yard, you know?

In that building
back there, you know?

Where your dad always is?
With the tools?

And a car?

[D.J.]
Thanks, Mom.

Oh, my God, I'm like
the worst mother
on the face of the earth.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am, Dan.

I don't even know
where I sent my kid.

Well, say he
falls down, you know,

and he breaks
one of his organs

and he needs a transplant
from me, you know,

but I can't give him
any of my organs,

because they're
all full of pot!

That's not going
to happen, honey.

I just know there's
just no way

I could handle any
kind of crisis, Dan.

Well, maybe I could.

Oh, God, I just want
our normal lives back.

Were we ever really stupid
enough to enjoy this?

Yes, we were, Dan.

But you now, that was
a very different time.

There was a w*r going on.

Everything was just
a lot more fun.

Could someone please
get me a cold towel.

Oh, come on.
We learned our lesson.

We got the message across.

dr*gs are bad.

Especially really old stuff

that's been sitting
there awhile.

But that's the wrong
image for a TV mom.

She's right, you know.

Once, Timmy went off
to explore an old,
abandoned mine

after I had told him not to.

My husband gave him
a good talking to.

Well, see, now that is
the difference between us.

In my house, I yell
at the kids,

and Dan is the one whose
job it is to just
sit there looking pretty.

You mean you're the boss
in your own family?

Yep.

And I get all
the good jokes, too.

Pretty sweet, ain't it?

On my show, the dog
got all the good lines.

I just translated.

And then they shot me
off into outer space,

and I had that annoying
Dr. Smith and that damn robot.

Well, see, nobody upstages me.

That's why they call
the show Roseanne.

They named the show
after you?

The wife?

I didn't know
they could do that.

Now, those bastards told me...

that there were too many
letters in June

to be on the screen.

[voiceover]
It was at that moment
I realized...

I had been ripped off.

I should've been the
star of my show.

I should've had
the voiceovers!

I still don't like it!

You know, in my day,
mothers did not have tattoos.

Yeah, well you obviously never
saw Harriet Nelson naked.

Anyway's, the important
thing is,

on my show, I'm the boss,

and Father knows squat.

All right, I'll stay.

Oh, poor Dan.

He has to sit here on the bed
with me for two minutes

and do nothing while me
and God create a life.

Maybe my sperms are
just waiting for your egg
to shut up.

Oh, Dan, I know that we're
both just sick to death

of all this lovemaking crap,

but we gotta do it.

Yeah, I've been thinking--
when this kid
graduates high school,

I'll be .

Well, it's one of
our kids, Dan,

so you'll probably be
more like or .

Be too old even
to play ball with him.

Odds are, half my
life's over already.

If this kid has to
grow up without a father,

is that fair to him?

I'm scared, Roseanne.

This whole thing is
making me think about death.

Well, think about whatever
you have to, Dan.

We're going again
in minutes.

Wake up, sleepyhead.

[Roseanne]
Dan?

Hi, honey.
How do you feel?

How did everything go?

Oh, the operation went great.

The surgeon said it was
his best work ever.

I want to see.

I want to see!

Okay, there's a mirror
over by the wall.

Let me help you up.

[screams]

Great, huh?

They were supposed to
make 'em smaller!

This is better.

Oh, my God!

You know, c'mon, Dan.
It's been, like, a while.

I know.

What's the matter?

I'm not sure
this is the right time.

No, no, it's the perfect time.

I haven't even
made the bed yet.

I don't know, Roseanne.
I feel kinda weird.

Well, it's still me.

I'm nervous, honey.

Well, don't be.

They're higher, now.

Uh, look, it's not that
we think anything
is wrong with nudity.

As a matter of fact,
me and Mr. Conner

used to have sex that way.

I feel sorry for you people.

Nudity is our
chosen lifestyle.

But you can't help yourselves.

You're compulsive,
sick perverts.

Well, it's not
that easy
not to look.

Well, I certainly think
we can manage.

Oh, yeah?
What color are my eyes?

Oh, my God!

Run, dear!

We're going to plant
that hedge, believe me.

And we'll tell
all your neighbors

just what kind of
people you are!

Well, it's too late!
They already know.

Honest to God,

this broad was so hot,

I thought she was
gonna k*ll me.

[laughing]

Yeah!
Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.

So then, she brings out this
suitcase full of sex toys.

And I'm thinking,
this broad is freaky.

Oh, yeah!

Hey, as long as you're getting
your battery charged,

what's the damn difference?

Yeah, I mean, while you're
getting your car washed,

you might as well get
the hot wax, right?

[laughing]

One thing I want
to know is,

what does she want with you
when she's got a suitcase
full of sex toys?

That supposed to be a joke?

Okay.

Ahh!

Ahh!

So, how you doing?

Fine.

You watch that
Blackhawks
game on TV?

Nope.

Oh, you're a Bulls fan, 'eh?

Oh, I get it!

It's like being
in an elevator.

You know, Roseanne, we
oughta hang out more often.

I was thinking that, too,

but next time, let's
leave the wives at home.

You read my mind.

Huh?

[laughing]

Oh, come on, Barbara.

Wasn't that fun?

Yeah, you know, maybe if you
would have spoke your mind
once in a while,

Beave wouldn't have had to
go get k*lled in 'Nam.

Oh, that was just a rumor.

Beaver's alive.

Yeah, well,
he ain't workin'.

I don't like any of this.

Why, girls kissing girls
and foul language?

And teenage sex!

Yeah, I know, that
stuff's kinda bad,

but you guys wanna hear
how much money I make?

[gasping]

[screaming]

Oh, my God!

Why, I'd make out with
a chick for that kinda dough!

[laughing]

Any one of you,
right now.

All right, well,
come on, ladies.

Let's go toss back a few
and raise a little hell.

Give them something to make
a movie of the week about.

I'll call that Partridge girl.

She can pick us up
on her bus!

Ah, screw that.

We'll take my limo.

You have a limo?

Yeah!

And look what my
driver gave me.

Congratulations!

There's nothing
wrong with my driving.

Uh-huh, right.

That's why you throw me
all over the car pumping
those brakes.

I pump the brakes
to make sure they grab.

Because if they don't grab,

I rear-end the guy
in front of me,

I get a ticket,

they raise our
insurance premiums

we go broke
trying to pay 'em,

we end up in a poor horse--

har--
[whinnies

Wilbur!

We end up in a poor house,
our children starve.

I pump those brakes
to make sure they grab.

If they don't grab,

I rear-end a guy
in front of me.

I get a ticket.

Our insurance premiums go up.

We go broke trying
to pay them.

Our children end up
in a poor house,

we starve.

That's why I
pump the brakes.

Okay, well, just
tell me one thing.

What?
Why do you pump the brakes?

[laughs]

You know, Rosie...

[laughs]

[maniacal laughter]

[Dan's voice]
Welcome to the
tunnel of terror!

Now, Morty, be
nice to the people!

How do I look?

[screams]

[screams]

I've got a
splitting headache.
Agh!

You tramp!
You slut!

[screams]

Go away!

Leave us alone!
We are as God made us.

[screams]