03x19 - The Equalizer

[bunniefuu]

Good evening
and welcome to tee time.

I'm taking up golf.

I've learned to play by watching
a demonstration on television.

I'm convinced that it's very easy
to make a hole in one.

At least this one.

In the demonstration, the golfer
knocked a ball off his friend's head.

I'm not using a ball.
Being a beginner,

I feel I'm entitled
to a larger target.

Perhaps you'd better look
the other way. I know I shall.

Well, coming into the back nine,
he had me by three strokes,

and, boy, was he crowing.

You know how Mr. Sloan is.

He loves to rub it in.

How did you finish?

I was one up.

He was mad enough to
jump into the water hazard.

I don't know how
you do it, Eldon.

The old man gets at least
yards on his drives.

Yeah, well,
he's strong enough,

but I've got
the old equalizer.

His strength doesn't do him
any good on the green at all.

He three-putted
the last five holes.

Well, I'm going up
and collect my drink.

See you later, Eldon.

Charlie,
put my clubs in the rack.

Well, next Saturday
I take on our new salesman.

He tells me he sh**t
in the high s.

You'll b*at Phillips,
Mr. Sloan.

I don't know.

You know,
I haven't broken in years.

And he's a big, strong fellow.

Say,

what makes you think
I'll b*at him?

He's a salesman, isn't he?

You never play a customer's
game, do you, Eldon?

No, I suppose not.

Well, he certainly makes
a wonderful impression.

You know, I think
I've picked the right man.

Oh, that was really fun.
It really was.

Thank you.
The both of you.

And let's do it
again sometime.

Oh, yes.
Real soon.

Your wife is a very
good dancer.

Yes, I know.

Well, Carl,
how about some bridge?

Any time you like,
Mr. Sloan.

You ready, Eldon?

Whenever you say.

Well, how about making
a fourth, Wayne?

What?
You play bridge, don't you?

Sure, but this is my
first night, Harvey.

Let me enjoy myself.

All right, have your fun
while you're young.

But that bridge table's
gonna get you someday.
I'll wait.

Ed, come on. You play with us.
Come on, fellas.

Sorry, honey,
I'll be back...

Ed. Ed, don't you worry.
I'll look after her.

Mrs. Sobol, this is my dance.

It sure is.

Well, how did you like him?

Who?

Wayne Phillips.

He's all right, I guess.

A typical salesman.

Is that all?

You know I never form
any impressions of people

the first time I meet them.

You had a long
conversation with him.

Did I?

Were you timing it?

No. Of course not.

You just seemed
fascinated by him.

Eldon, I'm really very tired.
Very, very, very tired.

You were, weren't you?

You're the one who must've
been fascinated by him.

You keep talking about him.

I just wanted your opinion
of him, that's all.

I don't think I liked him.

In fact, the whole thing
rather disgusted me.

Everyone fawning all over him,
even Mr. Sloan.

After all, he's just another
hot-sh*t salesman you
stole from another company.

If a stranger had walked in,
he would have thought

that Wayne Phillips owned
Kay Corporation.

He has a way about him.

Yes.

He certainly has.

I'm glad you don't like him.

If you had, I certainly
would've been worried.

Well, you needn't worry.

Good night, dear.

Good night.

Good morning, Eldon.

Good morning.

Say, Eldon, you know
those Saturday night things
at the country club?

Boy, they are a great idea.

It's just like
one big, happy family.

That's right.
What can I do for you?

I just dropped in for a chat.

You know, I always like to get to know
the people I'm working with.

How's Louise?

She's fine.

She's a lovely girl, Eldon.

All the wives are.
And pretty, too.

Hey, you know that Sobol's wife,
she ought to be in the movies.

What's her first name?

Jean. I'm surprised you didn't
learn that Saturday night.

I don't work that fast.

You certainly didn't waste any time
learning my wife's first name.

Why, Eldon, I wouldn't have
thought you were the jealous type.

I didn't think accountants got
emotional about anything.

I didn't say I was jealous.

You're acting like it.

What's the matter,
don't you trust your wife?

I trust her implicitly.

Well, then it must be me
you don't trust.

We can't have that, Eldon.

Think what it'll do to
Harvey's big, happy family.

Hey, don't you really trust
your wife?

Let's get one thing straight,
Phillips.

Yes, I do trust my wife
with you because I trust her.

As for you, personally,

I wouldn't trust you as far
as I could throw you.

That wouldn't be very far,
would it, little man?

I know your type, Phillips.

I'm warning you right now.

You're warning me?

You heard me.

Just don't try to prove your
irresistibility with my wife.

Eldon, I don't know
whether that's a warning

or a dare.

You got yourself
a pair of shoes, huh?

Yeah. I thought the others
were gonna fall apart.

Hi, Mr. Sloan.

Say, have you fellows seen
Wayne Phillips anywhere?

No, I haven't seen him,
Mr. Sloan.

He was supposed to meet me
on the first tee at : .

It's after : now.

Well, he certainly wouldn't
stand you up.

You don't suppose
he had an accident?

Oh, no. No. Something
probably came up.

He had a lot of
important deals cooking.

Well, I'll give him
a few more minutes.

It may not be an important deal,
but I'll bet it's interesting.

He doesn't care whose time
he does it on either.

Yeah, I wonder whose time
he's really b*ating.

You'd think he'd
have better sense.

The old man thinks
he's the blue-eyed wonder.

But just let Phillips get
into a messy situation

and see how long he lasts.

You can't expect the man
to be a hermit.

Romancing a dame is
one thing,

but playing around with
somebody else's wife
is something else.

Who is she?

That's what I've
been wondering.

Well, I'm not going
to wait any longer.

Hey, what's the matter
with you, Eldon?

I don't feel well.

You look like you're
going to be sick.

Do you want a doctor?

No, I'll be all right.

Listen, Carl, why don't you
play with Mr. Sloan? I...

Sure.

Suppose he'll be all right?

Sure. Something he ate.

Dave. Dave.

Another one.

Excuse me.

Hello, dear.

I'm sorry I'm late.

But I just couldn't
get organized today.

Are you starved?

No, I'm not hungry.

Oh, good. I'll have time
for a martini.

Dave, very, very, very dry
this time, okay? Thank you.

Well,

how was the game?

I didn't play.

Oh? Why didn't you?

Well, I felt sick about : .

I almost came home.

Well, you should have.

I could have done
something for you.

I thought you might be out
at the market or someplace.

Eldon, you know very well
I never market on Saturdays.

I was home all day.

Thank you, Dave.

Eldon.

We're vulnerable, partner.

They've got a part
score of .

We'll cut that leg off.

One no Tr*mp.

Watch you don't
cut your own throat.

Two clubs.

Two hearts.

Pass.

Four hearts.

Pass.

Pass.

Pass.

Four hearts it is.

Good luck, partner.

I'll need it.

Well, down two and vulnerable.
That cost us $ .

Pretty expensive game.
Yes, it was.

How'd do you
do, partner?

Down two.

What was the idea
of bidding four hearts?

You had a lay down
at three no Tr*mp.

Oh, I'm sorry.
We'll make it up next hand.

Whose deal?
Mine.

Well, Eldon.
Feeling better?

Hi.

Eldon. Eldon, what the devil
do you think you're doing?

I want to fight this man.

You're drunk.

Not drunk enough.

Here, somebody take him to
the washroom and sober him up.

This man has to fight me.

Don't be ridiculous.

What do you want
to fight Wayne for?

He knows.

Ask him where he went
when he was the dummy.

Ask him where he was
this afternoon

when he was supposed
to be playing golf with you.

Well, now don't you think
that's his own business?

Not when it involves my wife.

Why that's nonsense.

Here, you go on and be a good boy
before I get mad.

Why you?

Come on. Get mad.
Go ahead, fight me.

No. No, I'm not going
to fight you, Eldon.

I'm too big for you.

You're drunk,
you're imagining things.

Of course you are.

Now go on home
and sleep it off.

You shut up and
stay out of this.

Come on, Phillips, fight me!

You're making us
all look very foolish.

Do like Harvey says before
something happens to you.

You're scared.

That's right, little man.

I'm scared.
Scared if I hit you, I'll k*ll you.

Well, that's the way
it's gonna have to be.

You'll k*ll me
or else I'll k*ll you.

You fool.
You complete fool.

I suppose Phillips
brought you home.

I can't see that it makes
any difference now

since you've announced it
to the whole world.

You might have had
a little understanding.

He stole my wife.

These things happen
all the time.

But most men have sense enough
not to make a spectacle of themselves.

It's degrading.

You said you didn't
like him.

I suppose you're
going to him now?

No.

No, I'm not.

You very nicely
ruined that for me.

It's what you intended
to do, isn't it?

You created such a scandal,
we couldn't possibly go on.

But if I can't have Wayne,

it doesn't mean
I'm going to stay with you.

I'm leaving you, Eldon.

I'll be out of here
in a few minutes, Mr. Sloan.

I'm just cleaning out
a few things.

Eldon, I don't understand you.

You put me in a position
where I had to fire you.

Now, if you'd just
kept quiet about it,

the whole thing
would have blown over.

Wayne Phillips isn't
in love with your wife.

I know that.

If he was love with her,
I wouldn't have done it.

But he just made her cheap.

That's why I'm
going to fight him.

Now use your head, Eldon.

You can't fight
a big man like Wayne.

He's too strong for you.

You found that out
Saturday night.

He's got to fight me.

Why don't we all be
sensible about this thing?

Now, look.

You've been assistant treasurer here
for a good many years.

And a good one.

Wayne is...

Well, he's just a salesman,
and the woods are full of them.

Now you put that stuff
back in your desk

and we'll forget all
about Wayne Phillips, okay?

No, Mr. Sloan.

I appreciate it,
but I can't do it.

This is something
between him and me,

and we've got to settle it.

Marsh, you must
be out of your mind.

Yeah, I know how this sounds,
Jean, but it's the truth.

Yes, you ought
to be in pictures.

You really think so?

I certainly do.
If I were a producer...

What are you doing here?

You're not
a member anymore.

I'm your guest.

Well, all right,
you're my guest.

Go ahead, have a drink.
Dave, will you fix him up with a drink?

Don't buy me a drink,
Phillips. I'd only throw
it in your face again.

Well, what do you want?

I want a fight.

A fight?

You had that.
I knocked you cold.
Wasn't that enough?

No, it wasn't.

I told you the way
it's got to be.

You've got to k*ll me,
or I'll k*ll you.

You're crazy.

This man's crazy.

Maybe I am.
Louise has left me.

Did you know that, Phillips?

Well, Eldon, I'm sorry,

but you can see
that I haven't got her.

You didn't even have the decency
to take her after she left me.

I loved her Phillips.
We had a happy life together.

Now she's gone
I don't know where.

Eldon, I'm sorry.
That's not enough.

You can't do
a thing like this

and just pass it off
by saying that you're sorry.

You've got to fight me.

This is silly. I'm not going
to fight you again.

I'm twice your size.

It wouldn't be fair.

That's right.
It wouldn't, would it?

All right, then.
Let's forget it.

I'll apologize for hitting
you the first time.

There are other ways of
fighting than with your fists.

What do you mean?

Well, since you're so much bigger
than me, let's equalize it.

You can
choose the w*apon.

w*apon?

You mean to fight a duel?

That would be fair,
wouldn't it?

We would both have
the same w*apon.

Why, that's the craziest thing
I've ever heard of.

People don't fight
duels today.

We can.
It's illegal.

So is what you did to
Louise and me.

You broke up our home.

Now you've got to take
the consequences.

Look, Eldon,
stay away from me.

Listen you...

You get out of here.

Get him out
before I k*ll him!

So we're all even
at the end of

and I hit
a tremendous tee-sh*t.

Wayne here goes...

Yes.

Just a minute.

It's for you, Wayne.

Thank you, Ed.

Hello?

What do you want?

I've got nothing
to discuss with you.

I want to know when
you're going to fight with me.

Will you stop bothering me?

No, Mr. Phillips.

I'm going
to keep right on bothering
you until this is settled.

You're with friends,
aren't you?

I don't think you want me
to come over there.

No, I don't. It won't do you
any good to come.

You're barred.
You won't get inside the door.

So don't waste
my time or yours.

Phillips?

What are you doing here?

I came here
to discuss our duel.

Yeah, well,
I've had enough of you.

If you go inside,
I'll follow you.

You'll only be thrown
out again.
That's all right.

Every time you get somebody
else to do your fighting,

you get smaller and smaller.

And by the time
I'm through with you,

everybody in this town is gonna
know what a coward you are.

Every time you come near me
I'm going to flatten you.

And that'll only show
what a bully you are.

Wait a minute.

You're not going to
try to blackmail me.

I'm doing a pretty
good job of it.

You must like getting
your face smashed in.

I haven't felt anything
since Louise left me.

You see, Phillips,
you don't want to die.

That's why you're
afraid of me.

But I don't care, so I have
nothing to be afraid of.

That's the equalizer.

All right, what do you
want from me?

A fight.

A fair fight.

You choose the w*apon.

Well, if that's the only way
I can get rid of you,

I've got no choice.

Have you got a g*n?
I can get one.

Well, you get it.
I'll meet you in two hours.

Where?

The roof of the
Kay Corporation building?

I'll be waiting for you.
All right.

If you don't come,
I'll keep after you...

Now don't you worry.
I'll be there.

Back to back,

paces,

turn and fire.

Hey, look.

Hey, why do you insist
on being k*lled?

What makes you
think I will be?

It's an even fight now.

It doesn't matter that you're
twice as big, or twice as
strong as I am.

The g*ns cut you
down to my size.

We'll be on equal terms.

Two hours, Phillips.

Right over there.

Okay, let's have it.
What happened here?

Oh, his name was Marsh.

He was the treasurer of
the company I work for.

He lost his job
and blamed me for it.

No real reason.
I'm a salesman.

I couldn't have handled his job
if it had been offered to me.

What was he doing up here?

Up here?

I don't know what he was
doing up here.

You see, he telephoned me and said
he wanted to talk about something.

He insisted that
I meet him up here.

He said if I didn't come

that he'd come to the country club
and make a scene.

The minute I stepped
out here on the roof,

he came at me
with a g*n, and...

Eddie, come over
here for a minute.

A good thing I was armed.

I have been ever since
he started threatening me.

So you let him have it?

Well, yes.
What else could I do?

It was either him or me.

I sh*t just a second
before he could.

Don't hand me that, mister.

I don't know
what happened up here,

but this little guy
wasn't going to sh**t.

He doesn't even have a g*n.

Look for yourself.

So much for the high price
of low fidelity.

I'm quite angry
with my friend.

He ruined my club.

And he didn't land anywhere
near the hole.

As a matter of fact,
I can't even find him.

Now I'll have to buy a ball.
It's quite distressing.

Why don't you join me
in the locker room

after we pass one of those sand traps
that dot the fairways of television?

I thought we'd never
get out of that one.

However, we seemed to have
completed the course in minutes,

which is par.

Why don't you join us next week
for another round?

In the clubhouse, of course.

Good night.