03x38 - The Impromptu m*rder

[bunniefuu]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I must interrupt this program
to make a grave announcement.

The invasion from Mars
is already underway.

I repeat, the invasion from Mars
is already underway.

Martians have actually landed
and are among us.

We have captured some of them

and will show them to you now
so that you can know your enemy.

You may have seen
some of these creatures in your city.

They have rounded backs,

a body that looks like a tired balloon,

pointed red feet with no toes,

and long colored legs.

Here are the prisoners
we have taken so far.

This one was captured
in broad daylight

at the Sans Souci Canasta club.

Notice the needle point heel,

probably lethal.

The uniform seems to have been designed

so that we can't tell
which way this one's going.

Very deceptive.

Notice the knapsack
and the space for w*apon storage.

And look at the shoes.

Obviously, they were never designed
for the human foot.

And here we have
the most dangerous type.

Notice the high oblong head
and the cloche helmet.

The creature can at a moments notice

inflate this for a fast return to Mars.

Take them to our leader.

And now speaking
of our beloved leader,

I feel it is indeed fitting and proper

that in this moment
of grave worldwide danger

he give us one of his
one minute inspirational talks.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning, Holsom.

It's the post, sir.

Thank you.

Well. Here's one from Miss Wilkinson.

Do you remember her, Holsom?

Oh, yes, sir. I do indeed.

She's passing this way next week
and will look in for a chat.

Rather odd.

Not a word from her in nine years
and now she decides to pass this way.

Definitely odd.

I wonder what she wants
this time.

You must be very proud that
your brother's been elected Mayor, Miss Daw.

Oh, yes, of course,
I'm very proud indeed.

Though I must admit that the prospect
of acting as mayoress quite terrifies me.

I'm not at all good at mixing
with people, I'm afraid.

Oh, nonsense, nonsense.

Don't give it a thought.
You'll be excellent.

I do hope so.

Here we are.

Thank you.

Well, with all your new duties,
it'll be a relief

to dispense with some of your
other responsibilities, I daresay.

No. No, indeed. I'm quite prepared
to carry on for my clients as before.

I shan't let anyone down,
you may be sure.

Oh, yes, I'm sure.

But at least it'll work
no hardship on you

to be free of the bothers
of my affairs.

No bother whatsoever, Miss Wilkinson.

Of course, if you're dissatisfied...

No, no. On the contrary
I was very pleased.

But it seems that the King
has practically commanded my brother

to enlarge his factory.

Oh. How interesting.

Yes, isn't it?

Of course my brother can use
every penny he can lay his hands on.

He says that he can double
my money in six months.

So it seems almost a duty
to invest with him, doesn't it?

Well now, perhaps it does,
if one thinks of it that way.

Of course, you understand that
your shares can't be sold

at anything like their
original worth today.

At not even half, perhaps.

Even so, if my money's
doubled in six months...

Well, I should just be back
where I started, shouldn't I?

And from then on
it'll be pure profit.

Surely the w*r will last
that long, don't you think?

Oh, I don't think I care to have you depend
on my opinion there, Miss Wilkinson,

but if it didn't you'd be ruined.
You do understand that, of course?

Well, yes,
but I shall take the risk.

I feel it's worth the risk
to have the w*r done with.

Oh, yes.

I can't think of any other reason
why I shouldn't, can you, Mr. Daw?

No I can't, Miss Wilkinson.

I think it's probably an excellent idea.

Lunch is served, ma'am.

Bring it with you.

Thank you.

This platform, ma'am.

Good morning, Barclay.

Good morning to you.
Say, you're a bit early, ain't you?

Yes, I am.
A client of mine,

she's up in first class ahead,

a lady who spent
the night with us.

Wanted to get up to London early,
so I thought I'd see her off

and travel with her
as far as Little Mede.

It's my day there, you know.

As a matter of fact I was coming
to see you myself today.

It won't take long
if you care to talk now.

Well...
But maybe you want
to get back to the lady.

Oh, no, I can spare you
a few moments. Certainly.

This carriage is empty.

Let's step in here.

Good.

Good afternoon sir.

Good afternoon.

Well, what's this,
no tea today?

Oh...
I thought I'd be late.

It's all ready, sir, but Miss Daw,
I don't know if she's coming down.

She's been that q*eer all day,
stayed in her room.

We thought we should send for Dr. Gardner,
but she said no, we wasn't to,

that she just wanted to rest.

I'd better see what's amiss.

I'll just run up and have a look,

Marjorie!

Marjorie, are you awake?

Yes.

My dear girl.

What's wrong?

Well, now, if you're feeling ill
we must send for Dr. Gardner at once.

No, I'm not ill

and I don't want Dr. Gardner.

Very well, my dear.

You do whatever you think is best.

You see, Henry, ordinarily we should
have to be quite suspicious of you.

A woman comes to her solicitor
to withdraw her capital

and then mysteriously disappears.

Oh, now, look here, Charles,
after all these years...

Yes, I suppose you would.

However there must be
evidence which would help...

Exactly.

Since the carriage man,
the station master and the porter

all definitely place Miss Wilkinson
on that train to London,

it leaves you in the clear.

However, we've been able to find
no trace of Miss Wilkinson

since she boarded that train.

I do hope that you can be
of some help to us there.

Well, I can place her on the train
as far as Little Mede.

That's all I'm afraid.

What, you mean
you rode with her to Little Mede?

Yes. Well, that is, most of the way.

I went once to wash my hands,

and on the way back I stopped
to talk to a client who'd got on at Merton.

A farmer by the name of Barclay.

But I was back in the carriage
before we reached Little Mede,

so I can definitely say
she was there.

Was there anyone else in the compartment
with you and Miss Wilkinson?

No, just the two of us.

Not many on those
early trains, you know.

Now, let me just get this clear.

Although you traveled to Little Mede
with Miss Wilkinson

you did not accompany her
to the station?

That's correct.

Wasn't that rather odd?

Well, I...

Yes, of course it was.

Charles,

I hope you'll treat this in confidence.

I wouldn't like Miss Wilkinson
to ever hear about it, or anyone else.

Yes, of course.

The fact is...

You know,
it's still dark at : .

Well, she was making
rather a lot of the situation.

Giggling and simpering and saying
it was all most unconventional

and she hoped there would be no talk.

You know, a maiden lady of these years

can quite genuinely imagine
that things have happened

which haven't happened at all.

Do you remember that case
in Peterborough last month?

Yes, of course.

So I thought it would be better
if I walk to the station.

And did you?
Yes.

Now, can you recall anything
Miss Wilkinson said at any time,

anything which would indicate that
she was under some kind of stress?

Anything which would seem to you
in the least bit out of the ordinary?

I'm sorry, Charles.
I can't think of a thing.

Well, if you do think
of anything, however trivial,

you'll be sure
and let me know, won't you?

Oh, indeed I shall.

I'm most concerned about her.

Besides, we came to no final decision

about the investment of her capital
in her brother's factory.

Oh?

And you feel you shouldn't do this
without consulting her first?

Oh, positively not.

In a matter of this importance
I shouldn't dream of acting

without definite instructions
from the client.

I see.

Well, I must be running along.
Thank you, Henry.

Goodbye, Charles.

Never mind. Goodbye, Henry.

Let me know
if there's anything I can do.

Is it still rising?

Yes.

The fields at the river's edge

must be six or eight feet
under water by this time.

Well, come
and have your tea, dear.

It won't help
to worry about it.

If it doesn't stop we shall have to
postpone tomorrow's ceremony.

And with Colonel Sir Francis Garrold
coming too

we can't dedicate
the Roll of Honor indoors.

No, dear, of course not.

But I'm sure
you've realized by now

that no one can have everything
just as he would like it.

No. Of course, my dear.

And so we are met here today
in solemn purpose

to dedicate this Roll of Honor

which bears the names of those
brave men of Swallowsbath

who have made the ultimate sacrifice.

Who have given their very lives
in this grim and crucial conflict.

To speak of them,

to honor them at these ceremonies,

there could be no one more fitted,
more appropriate

than a man who has been
one of them himself.

And we are indeed fortunate

that such a man has consented
to address us here today.

I refer to and I am proud to introduce...

Look!

...a man whom in truth
needs no introduction.

One whom is well-known to all of us
by the record of his valiant exploits,

Colonel Sir Francis Garrold.

It's a body!
It's a body!

It's a man!
No, it's a woman!

It's a matter
of identification, Henry.

It occurred to me that the body
might possibly be Miss Wilkinson.

It seems highly unlikely.
How could it get back here?

I dare say you're right.

But the doctor says
the time factor seems to coincide.

So I thought,
under the circumstances

you might come along to the mortuary
for a look and give us your opinion.

No, I couldn't possibly.

I can't bear the sight of a dead body.

I know how you feel,

but you do understand
we have to make quite certain, don't you?

Very well.

No!

No, it's not like her at all.
Not at all.

Well, I certainly appreciate
your coming, Henry.

We do have to make sure, you know.

Oh.

Good afternoon, Charles.

Good afternoon, Henry.

I wonder if I might
have another word with you?

Very well. Come along in.

Is your sister about?

No. She's not feeling well.

She's delicate, you know,
and that business this afternoon,

that was rather a shock.

Yes, of course.

I'm sorry to hear it though.

Because it was she
I wanted to see mainly.

I wanted to ask her to come down
and view the body too.

Why, that's absolutely
out of the question.

I couldn't possibly allow her
to be put through to such an ordeal.

And besides, it's pointless.

I knew Miss Wilkinson
much better than Marjorie did,

and I have already said
the body couldn't be hers.

Henry, when you looked at the face,

did you notice anything peculiar,

possibly resulting from the exposure?

Are you suggesting that I didn't
examine the body properly, Charles?

Yes. I'm suggesting you kept
your eyes shut the whole time.

It's not uncommon for people to keep
their eyes closed when viewing a corpse.

For instance, a m*rder*r will do it
nine times out of ten,

when the body is his victim.

Why, that's an outrageous insinuation!

Suppose I did keep my eyes closed?

It couldn't be her,

and I have told you I cannot stand
the sight of a dead body.

Yes, but you see, Henry, that makes
your identification quite useless.

So now if you would be kind enough
to ask your sister to come down.

I'm sorry, Charles,
but I must refuse.

My sister is not strong enough
to be dragged into this.

Henry, as much as I would regret it,

if you force us to,

we shall have to take the necessary
legal steps to secure your sister's...

No! No, Charles. No, no...

I cannot allow you to put her through
the t*rture of your inquisition.

Nor to try and make her an accessory.

She had nothing to do with this at any time.

I, and I al...

I k*lled Miss Wilkinson.

Then she did need her money?

Yes.

And you didn't have it?

No.

We...

We'd been put to considerable expense
in the past few years.

Excuse me, Charles.

Hello?

Oh, one moment, please.

It's for you, Charlie.

Inspector Tarrant here.

Yes.

What's that?

Was he absolutely sure?

I see. All right, thank you.

Now then, Henry,

after you had k*lled
Miss Wilkinson,

what did you do with the body?

I buried it near the river
under a slab of stone.

I still can't understand
how it got washed up.

I've had no opportunity
to go and look yet.

Well, we can go now.

Miss Wilkinson's brother
was called down from London, you see,

and he has just told my assistant
that the body at the mortuary

positively is not hers.

So much for the strange case of Henry Daw.

For the next minute I intend to step over to
the stockade and interrogate our prisoners.

After which I'll buzz back.

I wish to state categorically

that all the statements
made previously were facetious,

that no invasion from Mars has taken place,

and that the attractive costumes
you see on these lovely earthlings

are the final step in a gradual evolution

toward the ultimate in beauty.

I shall be back...

I shall be back next week
with another story.

Until then, good night.