04x03 - The Jokester

[bunniefuu]

Good evening.

It grieves me to announce that it will be
impossible for my cousin, Alvin Hitchcock,

to entertain you
with his singing.

He fell victim to a crowd
of teenage souvenir hunters.

After first helping themselves
to bits of his clothing,

they began snipping off
locks of his hair.

He held still for that.

After all, he certainly
needed a haircut.

But when they had
exhausted his hair,

they refused
to stop snipping.

He was very popular.

This was all we found.

Tonight's program was to have
included many of his greatest hits.

I Dig You, Darling, 'Cause
You're Sick, Sick, Sick:

The FBI Is Breaking Up
That Old g*ng Of Mine:

Take Off Your Leather Jacket,
Mother: You Shall Not Ride Tonight:

And Tchaikovsky's
Rock And Roll Concerto:

Substituting for his concert
is a play, "The Jokester. "

However,
as a tribute to Alvin,

let us first observe
one minute of noise.

Oh, come on,
Andrews, let it alone.

Bet I woke every
stiff up down there.

You're high, Andrews,
what are your bets?

Let's see, that'll be
what, a couple?

I'm out.

I'll see you,
Andrews.

Well, that puts
me out.

Joker gave me
a straight.

You bum.

You're pretty lucky. Let's see how
lucky you are with your fists. Come on.

Watch it, Andrews, you might
get hit in the wrong place.

Oh, what do you mean? I'm not
kidding, I've got a bum neck.

Come on, what are you talking
about? You're the picture of health.

No, I've got a very sensitive
vertebrae right here.

I hurt it playing
football in high school.

Oh, come on,
that was years ago.

Yeah.
You're breaking my heart.

I spent two weeks in a bed
paralyzed because of it.

Well, it sure doesn't stop
you from winning at poker.

Now, that's the second time
you've drawn the joker.

Well, that's the
perfect card for me.

We're back to back,
same breed, joker and me.

Bradley, the practical
joker of newspaper row.

At other people's
expense.

Oh, no, you're unfair
to me. You all are.

You can't deny that you
live only for a laugh.

Well, we're laughing.

Well, why not?

Life is one big joke
from the day you're born.

Fate gives you
the unexpected hotfoot,

puts a sneezing powder
in your bouquet of roses

and I just go
along with it.

You're high, Dave.
Check.

Check.
My cards.

Oh, hiya, Pop.
How you feeling?

Fine. What's happening
downstairs, Pop?

I wondered about
my story, Dave.

Oh, it's gonna be in the paper
tomorrow. Two column spread, Pop.

That's real
nice, son.

I ain't never had any
of you newspaper people

to hardly ask me
a question,

much less write about
my... You got a pair, Dave.

Yeah, what'll you do?
Oh, well, let's see,

that's worth two bucks.
Let's make it five.

I'm out.

Say, Pop, maybe Dave's story
will help you keep your job.

Huh? I didn't catch that.

Maybe Dave's story
will help you keep your job!

Oh, sure hope so.

Some people say that they should
have retired me five years ago.

But I need this job.
My wife, she's so sick.

Four, five,
I've lost count, operations,

and my retirement pay
is so little, I...

Well, thanks again,
Dave. Okay, Pop.

Table's bet.
Well, let's see.

Well, you must be thick to waste
your columns on Pop Henderson.

What do you mean? It
made an interesting story.

Hearts and flowers? Pop Henderson partially
blind, partially deaf, totally dumb?

Or Pop Henderson who has
cataloged the dead for so long

he feels closer to them
than he does the living?

Is that the way
you wrote it?

Okay, okay,
I've had enough.

Oh, come on, Dave.
No, so long, fellas.

All right. So
long, Dave. So long.

Well, that kind of
broke up the poker game.

Yeah, I guess
that's it.

Gentlemen, let's pay a visit
downstairs to the morgue.

Huh?
Pop Henderson,

a man that gives
me inspiration.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, it's cooler
down there, anyway.

Come on.

Oh, hi, fellas.

Hi, Pop.

Taking a snooze,
Pop?

Yeah, I get kind of drowsy
about this time of night.

We've come to ask
you a favor. Oh?

We want to look
at number six.

Oh, that's the strangulation
case that come in today, ain't it?

Yeah, that's the one.
We just got a tip.

Might be a real scoop,
Pop. Yeah, headline stuff.

It's that missing
New York banker.

You don't say. Him?

Mmm-hmm. What about
it, Pop, can we see him?

Sure, come on.

Let's see,
number seven.

How about
number six?

Oh, of course,
number six.

Yeah, here it is.

Good old number six.

Come on out.

There you are.

Oh, you've got your refrigeration
working overtime, Pop.

No, it's always that cold,
below freezing.

It looks like the banker.
How about it, gentlemen?

Yes, yes, it certainly
resembles him.

Yeah, that chin.
One in a million.

Oh, yeah, right. It fits
the description, all right.

Morgan, why don't you
go along with Pop

and get the folder
on this gentleman?

Sure.
Pop?

All right, Mr. Bradley.

Now, let's see,
number seven.

No, no, number six, Pop.

Oh, of course, I know.

There it is.
There you are.

Now, wait a minute. Let's
make sure we're right, here.

No, this isn't the
strangling case,

this is a
g*nsh*t accident.

It is?
Yeah.

My eyes are
really bad.

No, this is the
right one, Mr. Morgan.

It is? You can
forget about it, Pop.

But why?
Bradley said to check...

I know.
We made a mistake.

So, you can put number six
back to bed if you want, Pop.

Come on, Morgan, let's go
up and play a few more hands.

Yeah, all right.

Where's Mr. Bradley?

Well, he went
on home, Pop.

Oh.

Well, I'll put number
six back to bed.

Okay.
Good night, Pop.

Good night.
Good night.

Where am I?

I'm alive.

I'm alive.

Did you even see
his face? It was...

No, go back to the office before
the sergeant gets down here.

I'll tell you, Sarge,
number six is alive.

He sat up
and talked to me.

I heard him,
I saw him, please...

You're getting so old,
you're seeing things.

No, wait, wait till you get...
You'll see, I tell you, he's alive.

Please come with me.

All right. All right,
I'll take a look.

But I'm warning you, Pop.

You'll see when
you get there.

Well, come on,
show me.

There, see? Number
six. He's alive.

He's alive, ain't he?

You're crazy as a coot.

He's frozen stiff
and dead as a mackerel.

Come on.
See for yourself.

He's frozen, all right.

But I'll swear he sat up
and talked to me

just a few minutes ago
when Mr. Bradley...

Bradley?
What about him?

Mr. Bradley was here
looking at number six.

Oh, he was, was he?

So help me. I'm getting sick
and tired of your inefficiency.

We'll see what the
captain says about this.

Something wrong,
Sergeant?

Oh, you would know,
would you?

Would know what?

Well, I thought you
went home, Mr. Bradley.

Some cut up, huh?

Now, Sergeant.

The joker
from Funnyville.

But what's Mr. Bradley
got to do with...

Don't you know when you're the patsy
for the oldest gag in the police station?

You mean, it was
Bradley who...

Yeah. In eight,
not six.

Oh, I don't
see so well.

Oh, now, Sergeant. Can't
you take a little joke?

No, I can't!

I got more important jobs to do than to
chase around because of your stupid jokes.

So stop wasting
my time, Bradley.

As for you, Pop.

Oh, I'm sorry, Pop.

Pop, didn't realize
it would backfire.

Oh, we didn't mean to
hurt you. Shut up, Bradley.

Oh, look at the old man.
How can you laugh?

Why not?
It worked, didn't it?

Pop, I'm sorry, I...

Oh, that's okay.

Listen, we'll make it
up to you some way.

Yeah. It was
a dirty trick.

Oh, now, wait a minute,
come back.

I hate guys that
can't take a joke.

I still don't
understand.

You thought it was
the stiff in number six

and it was me in
number eight. You see?

The Sarge guessed it
right away.

Express City Desk?

He's right,
the Sarge.

Hello, Express City Desk?
Joe? This is Bradley.

Everything's quiet here.
Has the paper gone to bed?

Okay, I'm leaving.

Well, am I going home?
That's a joke. What home?

No, no, don't look for me
until tomorrow night.

So long, Pop.

Mr. Bradley, I may have to
resign because of your joke.

Oh, no,
not a chance, Pop.

Nobody wants an old man
who gets all mixed up.

And if I do have to resign, what am I
going to do for money for my wife and...

Quit complaining, Pop.

The sergeant cools off and
doesn't cause me trouble,

don't you ever play
another joke on me.

Now, don't tell me
what to do.

I wish I could have seen your
face when I sat up and groaned.

You've had your joke,
Mr. Bradley.

Now leave me
alone, please.

No, Pop. You're the perfect
patsy for a guy like me.

You're my little pigeon.

Pigeon.

What'll it be?

A double bourbon,
please.

What's the matter
with all the joints tonight?

This is as dead as the last
three places I've been inside of.

If I'd have known you were coming,
bud, I'd have hired a brass band.

That'll be cents.

Pull it out of my hand
and you can keep the change.

What's the gag?

There's no gag. Just
pull it out of my hand.

Ouch!

You see, you get it?
It was made of rubber.

You're a card,
you are.

Yeah, very funny, very funny. I got to
introduce you to my four-year-old kid.

Can I have cents
of real cash, please?

I don't know what it is.
Nobody can take a joke anymore.

All right, let me
have another one.

Have a drink
with me, sailor.

Wait. Just a drink,
that's it.

A toast,

to madam or miss,
as the case may be.

Let's drink to a world
where people laugh.

At your jokes? No.

Look out there!

What was it?

It's gone now.
It was a policeman.

So what?

On horseback.

What's the matter, Millie?
What is it?

I...

I think wise guy here
put some stuff in it.

Cheap gag,
if I ever saw one.

You go around doing things
like that a lot, huh?

It's okay.
Let the joker alone.

You all right, hon?
Sure.

Sure. It was just a gag,
don't you see?

Yeah, I see. It's just
pepper and flavored water.

It can't hurt anyone.
Just pepper, huh?

Mike, forget it.

So, it was just
a gag, huh?

Sure, it was just a gag.

Look, let me stand you
and the lady for a drink.

How about it?
I don't want no drink.

You always go around
pulling jokes like that?

Yeah, I guess I do.

Anything for a laugh, huh?

Yup, well,
that's about it.

Try this for a laugh.

That dumb jerk,
he had it coming to him.

You shouldn't have
hit him, Mike.

You hit him
kind of hard.

No, just a gentle tap. Loosened
a couple of teeth, that's all.

Maybe now he'll think twice before
he goes around insulting women.

You better
look at him.

His head. Yeah,
it's twisted funny.

Well, do you
think maybe...

He's dead!
No.

His neck's broken.

Dead, what do you
mean he's dead?

Go look for yourself!

What are we gonna do?

Well, I don't know.

Better go home, Millie.
I won't leave you.

You heard me.
He's right.

No. Look, will you take off?

I'm in this as much
as you are. Okay, okay.

Besides, it was
just an accident.

Yeah.

I didn't hit him
hard enough to hurt him.

It was just an
accident, see?

Yeah, I see,
but what about the cops?

It's no good, Mike.

I'm in enough trouble with the
cops without nobody dying in here.

There's as*ault and battery
convictions against you already.

Yeah,
it'd look bad for you.

Well, what did
you expect me to do?

Look, he played a dirty joke
on my girl, didn't he?

Yeah, but even so.

Oh, no.

Not only bad,
it's no good at all.

The jerk's a reporter
for the Express:

Oh, a reporter.
Yeah, a reporter.

It's as bad
as k*lling a cop.

Look, we got to get
him out of here.

Yeah, yeah,
but how?

Dump him.

The docks?

Yeah, the docks.

Sure.

We can make it look like
he was mugged or plastered.

He took a bad fall.

Now look, if they
trace him here,

he was drunk and left
when you closed the place.

You don't know
from nothing.

I get it.

Well, if they don't find
anything in his pockets,

it'll take them a while
longer to find out who he is.

You ready?
I'll get the car.

Yeah, the back way.
Make it fast.

Come on, give me a
hand here, will you?

So you had to go and report
it to the captain, huh?

You bet your
sweet life he did.

I'm ordering Pop to
resign and that's that.

So just b*at it back to the
newsroom, boys, and let me alone.

Okay, Captain, I guess if Dave
can write a story about Pop,

I can write one
about you. What?

Oh, no, Andrews. Now wait a
minute. Let that be my pleasure.

I happen to have a lot of
interesting dope about the captain.

Now, look, boys,
a joke's a joke.

You know, I think my editor might go
for the low-down on that arson case.

Please, fellas, please!
I can see it now.

A harmless little guy works
for years in the morgue,

until the mayor puts in his
windbag of a second cousin.

But I'm his
first cousin!

I wonder how it will go with the
voters when they read about Pop.

Election year.

Well, now, let's talk
it over, fellas.

So long, Captain. Now, Dave...

I'll show you
the story tomorrow.

Morgan, you're a friend
of mine. Sorry, Sarge.

They're only
kidding, Captain.

I don't know.

Hi, Sarge, Captain.

Did you see the story in the
paper that Dave wrote about me?

My wife, she was so
happy about it, she...

Captain, what are you
doing in the morgue?

Did you want
to see me?

Yes, Pop, yes I do.

What about?

I could demand your resignation
after what happened yesterday,

but I'm going to give
you one more chance.

Thanks, Captain.

One more slip-up
and you resign.

Is that clearly
understood?

I promise.

Come on, Sergeant.

Oh, that's a new stiff they
picked up down by the docks.

Lay him on slab
number eight, fellas.

From the looks of his face,
he was mugged.

He was cold already
when the intern got to him.

Put him to bed, make him
comfortable. They'll autopsy tomorrow.

Who is he?

No identification, yet.

I'll make him
comfortable.

Where am I?

My neck, twisted again:

It's worse than before:

Can't move:

It's cold:

Cold in here:

Freezing:

Henderson.

I'm alive.

Not twice, Mr. Bradley.

No more jokes on me.

If you've been waiting
for me to play this,

I'm afraid I must
disappoint you.

I can't.

Of course, Alvin
couldn't play, either.

He just pounded it
as he sang.

Now, we bring you the greatest single
argument for the return of radio,

after which I shall do
some returning of my own.

Well, we seem to have more
time, but no more entertainment.

So we shall fill the gap
with a list of names

of those we hold responsible
for tonight's buffoonery.

As for myself, good
night until next week.