04x26 - Cheap Is Cheap

[bunniefuu]

Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

Please do not be alarmed.

Nothing has happened
to your television set.

Nor are you sleeping below
the coffee table again.

We've decided to economize.

Everyone had to take a % cut.

I was fortunate.

We have an extremely
short cameraman

who was eliminated entirely.

We anticipate great savings.

Since we shall be transmitting
only half as much as previously.

This process also has
an educational value.

The very young can cover
the top part of the screen

and be able to see what radio
programs used to look like.

And now ladies and gentleman,

for our next two features,

we leave our new widescreen process

and go to the conventionally
shaped picture.

It was terrible news
I was bringing home.

No Christmas bonus this year.

You can understand how I felt
when you think of it as I did.

In the bank at % over
the next years.

I was so down in the dumps

I didn't even feel like reading
the evening paper.

And it wasn't a someone
thinking people said

that I was a penny-pincher.

I was just a careful man.

But the blackest part of
my day was yet to come.

Jennifer!

What is it?

That's the three-way light.

I know it.

Oh, we never turn that on.

You're using all three ways.

That's right.

I want a little light in
here for a change.

Dinner's ready.

- Dear?
- Hmm?

What is that?

A birthday present.

Oh.

- Well, happy birthday Jennifer.
- Thank you.

Where did you get this present?

You're surprised?

From home?

From me.

From you?

You mean you bought
it for yourself?

That's right.

Well, what about our understanding?

Didn't we agree a long time ago

that it wasn't necessary to demonstrate
our affection for one another

by the extravagant exchange
of unnecessary items.

Don't worry.
I'm not getting anything for you.

That's a steak!

That's all right, you've got
your stewed soup made.

But a steak. We could eat
for a week on what that cost.

You could eat for two
weeks on what this cost.

What's happen to you?

I mean you're not acting
at all like my Jennifer.

You're taking this birthday
business all out of proportion.

This isn't your birthday.
Your birthday was two months ago.

I wondered how long it would
take you to remember that.

Well, I'm no longer counting
that is my birthday.

Today is my birthday,
my real birthday.

Because today at o'clock,
I started to live.

Maybe I better go across
the street and get the doctor.

Maybe you should.

Because when you hear what I
have to say, you may need him.

You see, at o'clock this afternoon,

I happen to be dusting in the back
of the closet in the bedroom?

When my dress drag
caught on the board.

Board came loose.

And guess what I found.

From different banks.

I don't add very well, but the answer
keeps coming up something over $ , .

We can't touch any of that,
that's for our old age.

My old age began the
day after I married you.

When I think of how we've been
living all these years like...

...like poverty-stricken pack rats.

Well that's all over now.

From now on we're going
to eat like other people and,

and live like other people.

No, no, Jennifer.
We can't spend any of that.

- I absolutely forbid you.
- Forbid?

Why you cheap, miserly,

penny-pinching,
money-grabbing...

Well, I'm through.

Alexander Gifford,
I'm getting a divorce.

- A divorce?
- And I'll get it.

Alienation of affection,
that's what it is.

Remaining money is correspondent.

Divorce?

Oh no.

That would be a terrible thing.

I didn't want to part with Jennifer.

Not in this community property state.

Divorce could be more
costly than marriage.

After all these years,
I can't live the way I want to live,

I'd rather not live at all.

It was her idea.

In fact, it was the only
sensible solution.

But how does one
do this sort of thing?

Where? When?

Certainly not now,
I had to play for time.

I hadn't read them all,
but I've read enough to know

that I could never bring myself
to commit such acts of v*olence.

But now my problem became...

...how does a man like myself so
inexperienced in the ways of m*rder

go about it?

I just have to get someone
else to do it for me.

- How do you do?
- I don't know you.

My name is Alexander Gifford.

I still don't know you.

What do you want?

Why, I realize you're temporarily
out of circulation,

but would it be asking too much of you to
give me the name of one of your colleagues?

Huh?

You see, I like to have somebody...

...bumped off.

What?!

According to the newspapers, you were
a member of Crime Incorporated.

It's a lie!

They didn't prove nothing.
Now listen!

The D.I. framed me.
Now get out of here.

Get him out. He's... he's a kook,
a raving kook.

He's out of his mind!

I never had any money in all my life.

A fellow with a temper
like that should be in jail.

- New hat?
- Uh hmm.

- New dress.
- Yes.

I bought it this afternoon.

I'll get it.

Yes?

Your name Gifford?
Alexander Gifford?

Yes.

Heard said that you want
somebody to make a hit.

I beg your pardon?

- Monk sent me. Monk County Jail?

Said you want somebody wiped out.

Shhhh....

Alright.

I'll meet you downstairs
in a few minutes.

Now Mr. Gifford, we're experienced
in this sort of thing.

We know our business.

There's nothing to it at all,
nice and clean.

Oh, I believe in you.

Ah, I was wondering if you could
tell me how much it will cost.

I can tell you the exact.

According to Rice, Jimmy Jazz

Now back to cost.

We got standing rate
for this sort of thing.

The whole thing,
including getting rid of the corpse.

Only bills.

- bills.
- In advance, of course.

Eminently fair price.

I accept your proposition.

You know, I'm interested to know how you
can perform such services so reasonably.

We depend on the volume business.

Here we are.
One, two, three, four, five.

- What's that?
- Five dollars.

What five dollars?

Your fee.

I said five bills.

- Well?
- A bill is a C-note.

A yard. A hundred.

A hundred?

You mean you're asking $ ?

Mr. Gifford, you all right?

It's okay Mr. Gifford, I understand.

I'm a family man with expenses myself.

You can't afford our rates,
it's okay.

But I got to do something
about Jennifer.

Well...

Look, if you can't afford professional
talent why don't you do it yourself?

No, no, I couldn't.

Why not?
It's a big craze now, do it yourself.

I-I considered it, believe me, but

I just not a man of v*olence.

There's nothing to it.

Haven't you ever push
anybody on a line or a bus?

- Yeah.
- Same thing.

Only this time she's standing
on the edge of a cliff.

No, no, I couldn't.

Look, I saw this one on TV.

A dame did it.

Real cute thing.

She club her old man over the
head with a frozen leg of lamb.

At $ . a pound?

I don't think she stopped to figure.

Look. This is for you.

You like to tinker with mechanical
things around the house.

Well. See this diagram?

Now the fuses attached right
here under the floorboard.

She gets in the car, turns on the ignition,
steps on the starter.

Kaboom!

The angels sing.

Yeah.

Oh but, wouldn't that damage the car?

Oh yeah.

Look I'm trying to help you but
you're making it awful rough.

I don't mean to be difficult but

couldn't we accomplish this
without too much v*olence?

Well, there's always poison.

It's not my specialty
I don't knock it.

Poison.

Yeah. A few drops of something in a glass
of water she never know what hit her.

Yeah.

Oh, but don't you have to sign
something when you buy poison?

Not when you get it
from my friend Arthur.

Arthur.

Boy, you sure know
the right kind of people.

Arthur.

I beg your pardon,
is your name...

- ...Arthur?
- Yes?

What do you want?

My name is Gifford,
Alexander Gifford.

I didn't ask your name.
What do you want?

- Well, I was told that I could do er...
- Come here, come here, come here.

Closer my boy. Come here.

Here, I can't see you.

Come here, boy.

Well, you see, I was told that I could
come over to see you and that

- you...
- What do you want?

Well, I want to get
some poison from you.

Poison. Poison from me?

Who told you?

I don't know his name.

He said he was a friend of Monk McGinnis.

How do I know that I can trust you?

How do I know who you really are?

Well er,
I can show you my driver's license.

Yeah.

What do you want with poison?

Only to k*ll my wife.

Oh.

Right.

My first one.

Well, you've come to the right place.

I'm really the best.

My poisons are guaranteed.

Undetectable.

Let me show you my scrap book.

Here, here it is.

Now read this.

Arris drops dead of exhaustion
during tennis match.

Exhaustion!?

This one... right here...

The remaining heirs are
very grateful to me.

What about this here?

Here, look look.

Industrialist drops dead...

...of apoplexy after signing
partnership merger.

Apoplexy?

Oh now, let's look at
this little sweetheart.

Right here.

- Look all I want...
- Shh... I know what you want.

But how would you like her to go?

Cramps while swimming?

A stroke?

Well er...

I know.

I've got just the thing for a wife.

She must like perfume.

I called it la mu of the nightshade.

Just one drop behind each ear.

And... psst sha....

That will do very nicely.

Good.

That'll be $ , please.

$ !?

In that instant, it was suddenly clear to me
that I was dealing with a dangerous maniac.

Now to get out of there
as quickly as possible.

One thing was certain.

If I didn't succeed in
doing away with her soon,

I would surely do away with myself.

It just couldn't go on.

It just couldn't.

But how could it be stopped?

I decided on poison but
there didn't seem to be any.

But there was!

And it wasn't going to cost $ .

The young biologist told me not to
let that newspaper story frighten me.

He himself has been working on
botulism and had a culture of it.

Botulism, he said, was one of
the deadliest of food poisonings.

But with modern methods of
refrigeration and preservation,

it practically never occurred in
anything outside of the laboratory.

I'm sorry you weren't hungry, Alex.

I feel like a pig eating
all that ham by myself.

I thought it hadn't worked.

Ahh... urgh.

Uh...

But I was wrong.

Oh, so wrong.

Oh doctor, thank goodness you got here.

Alex. My wife told me you dropped by.

What is it?

If it's those free vitamin samples,
I'm all out of them.

It's Jennifer.

What seems to be bothering her?

I don't know.
She's breathing kind of funny.

It all started last night.
She began seeing double.

Seeing double?

And then this morning,
before I left for work,

she looks so pale.

- Poor Jennifer.
- Pale?

Kind of grey.

I stopped off at your house but
you'd already left for the hospital.

For heaven's sake man,
you could have called another doctor.

We've always counted on you,
you're our neighbor, our friend.

Doctor, doctor, how is she?

You better sit down, Alex.

I'm afraid it's bad news.

- Jennifer's dead.
- No she's not.

She's not?

She's very ill but we
mustn't give up hope.

No. No, no, of course not.

Tell me, what did you have
for dinner last night?

Well er... we had soup.

Barley soup of course.

Lettuce and tomato salad.
No dressing.

Hamburgers.
No, no, I had the hamburger.

Jennifer insisted on eating
the leftover ham.

The leftover ham?

- And then, for desert...
- Nevermind that!

That's it.

I'm going to take what's left of
that ham and have it analyzed.

I'm certain she's suffering
from botulism.

- Botulism?
- Yes.

It's a rare type of food poisoning.

By the way, have you got a paper bag?

Oh yes, of course.

If only you called me last night.

Or even this morning.

But now.

There's no hope?

- Only one.
- One?

She has an amazing constitution.

If she can last through the night,

she might just pull through.

She might?

Don't get your hopes up Alex.

She has very little chance.

Let me know if there's any change.

Yes, of course, doctor.

Suddenly I felt sad.

I was almost sorry that
poor Jennifer had to leave.

It was a frightening sound to hear.

She was actually beginning to snore.

A loud full disgustingly healthy snore.

If she can last through the night.

I was afraid she wouldn't
make it through the night.

Cause of death: botulism.

Now, what time did you say
she stopped breathing?

Stop breathing?

Oh uh, it was about : .

Ten... thirty.

I know this is difficult for you Alex,

But you have to give this death
certificate to the undertaker.

The undertaker?

Well naturally. You didn't expect
to leave her in there, did you?

Oh no. Of course not.

I just never thought about the funeral.

I know it's a sudden shock.

Yes it is.

I mean, funerals are expensive.

I'm afraid it will cost
you at least $ .

That much?

Plus $ more for even
the cheapest plot.

Oh.

Please accept my sympathy, Alex.

A $ .

Jennifer was dead and she
was still spending my money.

But I wasn't gonna
take it lying down.

No sir. $ .

I should say not.

What can I do?
Where can I turn?

, , , .

It was inspirational the way
I got around the funeral.

The medical school had actually
paid me for poor Jennifer.

$ .

Where are you?

Right. I'm looking.

Oh, there you are.

I couldn't find you.

Before our overzealous efficiency
expert blacks me out entirely,

I should mention that Mr. Gifford was
caught and paid the supreme penalty.

In his case, a heavy fine.

You see the moral of tonight story is,

the perfect m*rder should also include

a happy funeral and a decent burial.

And now for the perfect commercial

after which I will return.

I'm certain you'll be delighted to know

that we saved enough money tonight

so that next week we shall be able
to send you a double exposure.

And now until then.

When I assure you we
shall return to television.

Good night, wherever you are.