08x12 - Ploys for Tots

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to Remodeling
Week here on Tool Time.

Now, here's the star of the
show, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, everybody.

Welcome to Tool Time.

I am Tim "The Grateful
Tool Man" Taylor,

and, of course, you
all know my assistant.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING WILDLY)

Okay, I'm a perch, I'll bite.

Well, Tim, it's Remodeling Week.

I know that.

Well, I've worn this shirt
before, so now I'm re-modeling it.

Uh, all right. Well,
over the years,

we've shown you a lot of different
ways to upgrade your home.

But when the job is big enough,

it's time to ask
for the expertise

of a licensed, bonded,
professional contractor.

But finding a good
contractor can be,

well, as difficult as
finding a date to the prom.

Yes, it can, Al.

But this time, your
mom won't bail you out.

"Al, I can't fit in a limousine.
Better use a backhoe."

As I was saying, choosing a good
contractor can be a daunting task.

You gotta ask
the right questions.

Are you licensed?

Do you have a completion clause?

Are you using a porta-potty,
or just using my front lawn?

So, without further ado, let's
play The Contracting Game.

Whoo! Let's meet
our contestants!

All right!

Contractor number one is
an ex-Navy man from Saginaw

who enjoys appraisals, electrical
work and long walks on the beach.

Bill, say hello to Tim.

Hi, Tim. Hey, Bill.

Contractor number two calls
himself a trustworthy Taurus

who wrote the primmer on primer.

Wally, say hello to Tim.

Hi, Tim. Wally.

And contractor
number three says he's

great at grouting,
enjoys fine dining

and will paint any surface
at the drop of a cloth.

Ed, say hello to Tim.

Hi, Tim.

Tim, Tool Time is by
far my favorite show.

I like him already.

All right. Well, we've established
that these men are qualified.

So let's see how they stand up to
the tough questions from The Tool Man.

Thank you, Al. All right,
contractor number three,

you say my kitchen work can
be done in, uh, what? Six weeks?

That's contractor time.
What is that in real time?

Sixteen weeks
and not a day more.

There's something
to be said for honesty.

Okay, weeks.

Contractor number two, I
want to put in a new bathroom.

Tile, sink, maybe a Jacuzzi.

For grand, can it be done?

Well, actually, that
seems a little low.

Hey, Tim. It's Ed,
contractor number three.

I can do it for nine-five.

All right, contractor
number one,

putting a parquet floor
in my, uh, dining room.

You get a call
from the hospital.

It's your wife.
She's having a baby.

Do you finish the floor
or race to the hospital?

Well, Tim, my wife and I have been
trying to have a baby for three years.

I've been trying to have
a parquet floor for .

Well, I mean, if you really needed
the work done, uh, I guess I'd do it.

Look at it this way, the floor will
probably last longer than the marriage.

Yeah. Especially now,
since my wife is watching.

So the moment of truth has come.

Are you going with
contractor number one,

contractor number two, or
contractor number three?

Hey, Tim, it's Ed again.

I would leave my family
to do your parquet floor.

And yet I'm gonna go
with contractor number one!

Yeah!

Congratulations.

All right. Okay.

Congratulations, Bill.
Thank you. Thank you.

Now, when do I start the job?

Job?

We're just playing a
game here. There's no job.

I took a whole
day off for nothing?

I assumed there was a job.

Well, you know what
happens when you assume.

Well, what happens is Heidi's
gonna tell you what you won.

Uh...

You won this key ring
with a handy can opener.

There you go. There you go.

Yeah. That's gonna
come in real handy

'cause I'm about to open up a
can of whoop-ass on the Tool Man.

Jill, the girls' birthday cake
is great. What's your secret?

Gretchen's Bakery. It's that place
with the flashing neon lederhosen.

You know, I always thought Gretchen
was selling something else there.

Hey, girls, come on.
Let's keep this party rolling.

I gotta get to work.

Hey, Uncle Marty, my dad says
you have a job in canine nutrition.

I stack kibble at a
dog-food warehouse.

Okay, girls. What do you
say? Is it time to open presents?

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Yes? All right. Come on,
give me a hand, will you?

Okay. Now, wait...
Keep your eyes closed.

No looking. No looking. Wait.

Come on, Aunt Jill, please!
Oh, come on, please!

No, no, no. MARTY: Okay!

And happy birthday!

A new bike! Just what I wanted!

Thanks, Dad!

Now you can ride
around the neighborhood

mowing down three-year-olds.

Thanks, Tim.

This is from Brad and me.

Legos! All right!

And let me see. These
are from Uncle Tim and me.

That's for you
and this is for you.

The Spice Girls!

Wow! I got Posh Spice!

I got Sporty Spice.
I want Posh Spice.

But you love Sporty Spice.

You were Sporty
Spice for Halloween.

I want Posh Spice.

But they gave me Posh Spice.

Upstairs, I got some Old Spice.

Listen, Gracie, why don't you
just trade dolls with Claire, okay?

Do I have to?

Well, that's not really fair.

I mean, we sort of did
give that doll to Gracie.

Yeah. If it'll make
her sister happy,

I mean, does it really
make a difference?

Come on, honey.

Okay.

That's a girl. I love
you guys. Come here.

Hey, now, listen,
I gotta go, okay?

I'm really sorry I gotta go
to work on your birthday,

but I'll come on back later and
we'll have a good time, okay?

Okay. Bye. See you.

TIM: See you later,
Marty. JILL: Bye-bye.

Aunt Jill, can we go play
with our dolls upstairs?

Of course you can. Go on.

Hey, guys, guys, will you put
these Legos together for the girls

and take them up to them?

Mom, we're building a fort.

Excuse me, uh, ?

I'm only . I'm
hanging onto my youth.

It's time to let go.

Can you believe what
Marty just did? No.

Buying these bikes
off the rack like this?

These gear ratios and tires...

You'll never get any
speed out of these puppies.

I'm not talking about the bikes.

I'm talking about the way
he's dealing with the girls.

He's just trying to
make her happy.

Yeah. At her sister's expense.

He's not doing Claire any
favors by giving in to her.

He's letting her
just take control.

This is none of our
business. Yes, it is.

No, it's not. We don't know
anything about raising two girls.

Excuse me, someone in
this room was a girl once.

That was years ago
before the operation.

You promised you
wouldn't bring that up again!

Whether they're boys or
girls, it's beside the point.

No, it's not beside the point.
Yeah, but they're living in our house.

Children need boundaries,
and Marty's not setting any.

He lets them stay up as
long as they want every night.

Jill...

He's not setting any limits on
what kind of television they watch.

He's doing the best job he can.
He's going through a separation.

For God's sake, the guy can't
be with his girls on his birthday.

He's counting Snausages.

I know. I feel so sorry for him.
It's awful for him, awful for them.

But at least they get to
spend the day with us.

Well, actually, they're gonna
be spending the day with you.

I gotta go counsel
some patients.

Are you gonna be okay with that?

Oh, yeah. Yeah? Okay.

We'll have a good time.

Hey, girls, break open
those piggy banks!

We're going to the
casinos over in Windsor!

Uncle Tim, are
the bikes done yet?

Well, Claire, for me,
"done" is a relative term.

I've been done for
an hour and a half.

When you're done, can I
take it outside and ride it?

No, honey. It's way too
slippery out there today.

But it's my birthday.

I know it's your birthday,
but it's just unsafe.

Please, Uncle Tim?

Not today 'cause it's your...

Please?

Please?

(BELL RINGING)

Claire? What are you doing?

Hi, Aunt Jill.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Who told you
that you could ride your bike in here?

Here I come.

JILL: Tim. Hi, honey.

Hop on the handlebars. I'll
take you around the coffee table.

I got a better idea. Why don't we
just flood the basement and swim laps?

I like it. Come here.

It's their birthday. It's
their birthday. Come here.

Come on. We never let our boys

ride bikes in the house,
birthday or no birthday.

Their parents are going
through a separation.

Even more reason
for them to have rules.

They need a grownup
to be in charge.

They're away from their
mom for their birthday.

Their dad is tasting
liver treats for a living.

She sweet-talked
you, didn't she?

She did that thing
where she goes,

"Please, Uncle Tim?"

Actually, she went,
"Uncle Tim, please!"

Girls, I'm sorry, but we can't
ride bikes inside the house.

Okay. Okay.

But Uncle Tim said he'd
show me how to pop a wheelie.

No, no, no, no. You
misunderstood me.

What I said was, "Later on,
we'll put the top on the Healey."

I want to ride my bike.
Please, Uncle Tim?

Oh, come on. One wheelie.

We said no to our
boys hundreds of times.

And look what happened to them.

I don't care what you
say. I'm riding my bike.

No, no, no. We're not gonna
ride in the house anymore.

Aunt Jill doesn't
think it's a good idea.

I want to ride my
bike! Claire, no!

You cannot ride the bike in
the house! No! I'm riding my bike!

Claire, stop yelling. No!

Hey, I'm home. Where
are the birthday girls?

Daddy! Daddy!

Claire, honey. What's
wrong? Come here.

Aunt Jill's being mean to me.

Oh, sweetie, it's
okay. What's going on?

She wanted to ride her bike
around the house and, uh...

And Jill didn't think
it was a good idea.

You couldn't cut her
any slack on her birthday?

Come on, honey. I'll
take you out for ice cream.

Go get your coat
and your sister, okay?

Come on, Gracie!

Marty, you're setting
up a behavioral pattern

where you give in to her
every time she acts out.

Oh, spare me the psychobabble.

I know how to handle my kids.

If you knew how
to handle your kids,

they'd know how to
behave in our home.

You know, ice cream is starting
to sound real good right now.

Look, Claire and Gracie
need the security of knowing

that there is a
grownup in control.

That's okay. Just don't
tell me how to raise my kids.

How about rocky road?

Or maybe we just shouldn't stay
here. Is that what you're saying?

Oh, that would be great, Marty.

Take the easy way
out. Run away again.

Well, it's pretty obvious that
you don't want us living here.

Oh, no, no. You're not
gonna pull that on me!

I love having you guys here!

And we love being here!

And I can feel the love.

Unbelievable.

I don't want them riding bikes in
the house and I'm the bad guy?

Thanks for bailing on me, Tim.

I wasn't bailing on you. I
was acting like a peacekeeper.

They should have your kind of
peacekeeping in the Middle East.

sh**ting starts, you send
out for Chunky Monkey.

They were riding
bikes in the house.

They weren't invading
occupied territory.

Look, I agreed to help
you with your brother.

You gotta help me here.

Even if I don't believe
what you're doing is right.

You know what
I'm doing is right.

No, I don't know that
what you're doing...

You just don't
want to take sides.

That's what makes me
a great peacekeeper.

No, that makes you wishy-washy.

I think maybe you
better back off a little bit.

Okay, okay. I'll back off if I
know that I've got your support

if things get, you know,
completely out of control.

If things get completely out of
control, you have my support %.

How do you define
"completely out of control"?

I can't define it.

I'll know it when I
have to clean it up.

(SIGHS)

Look. There's a gross,
gooey prize in the box.

I want the prize!

Honey, it's gonna be
a lot deeper than that.

They always put the
prize at the bottom.

Whoa, whoa, I was
gonna eat that cereal.

Take your arm out
of the cereal, please.

But I want the prize.

Come on, Tim. It's
not that big a deal.

It's a big deal to me.

Claire, please take your
arm out of the cereal.

Okay, fine. Claire, get your
hand out of the box. Let's go.

Oh, come on, Marty. Claire!

Claire! What...

I want her to clean
this up right now.

Oh, come on.

This wouldn't have happened if
you'd just let her have the stupid prize.

This is my fault?
Claire, clean this up.

I just... I don't have
time to deal with this.

Sorry. I gotta go to work.
They gotta go to school.

Kids, get your things. Let's go.

Why don't you just leave it
here on the table then, huh?

I'll pour some milk on
it and I'll suck it off later.

Bye, girls.

So, Mr. Peacekeeper,

does this qualify as
completely out of control?

Not if I get you to clean it up.

Excuse me, I'm
looking for Marty Taylor.

He's stacking kibble somewhere.

He's been promoted to
squeakies and chew toys

instead of me, who's been here
years, but hey, I'm not bitter.

Oh, no. Look, I don't
have time to talk, okay?

I'm way behind in my work.

Do you have time to
talk if I give you a hand?

Like you can learn
this job in one day.

(SQUEAKS) Squeeze
the toy, see if it works.

(SQUEAKS)

Look, I know your kids are having
a tough time with the separation,

but you're letting them get
away with m*rder, Marty.

Hey, you're the
one that told them

they could ride their
bikes around the house!

That's because Claire
pouted. I gave in.

But you give in every
time she snaps her fingers.

Oh, give me a break. The
separation's really hard on them.

I know. I know. I know. I
happen to want my kids to like me.

You're their father,
not their friend.

You can't let them
manipulate you like this.

(SQUEAKS)

Well, excuse me,
but I happen to think

(SQUEAKS) that you're the
one who's being manipulated.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, come on.

Your wife sent you down
here to bite my head off

(SQUEAKING) about something
that you don't even believe.

If you think for one minute

I came down here 'cause
of Jill, you're dead wrong.

I'm my own man. I
do my own bidding.

MAN: Hey!

Yeah? Well, I'm my own man

(SQUEAKS) and I don't happen
to agree with what your wife

sent you down here to tell me.

If you weren't such a thickhead,
you'd realize she made a good point.

(SQUEAKS) You know what
else? This is a really annoying job.

(SQUEAKING)

It wasn't nearly so annoying

before you came down here and
started breathing down my neck.

Maybe it's time I left, huh?

(SQUEAKING)

Oh, now you're doing it?

Who's a guy gotta sleep with
around here to squeak toys?

(SQUEAKS)

Well, hi ho, neighbor.

Hidey ho back at you.

You getting ready to
knock off a liquor store?

(CHUCKLING)

No, Tim. I'm experimenting
with thermal headgear

for my heli-skiing trip.

Well, I'd rather go
skiing in hell with you

than stay in this
house with my brother.

Oh, I didn't think it was Marty
who was doing all the screaming.

No, it was Claire.

That girl screams
louder than Al's mom

when you try to take
away her pudding.

Well, have you and Jill tried
to deal with the situation?

Of course I tried to talk to
him. It doesn't do any good.

Well, what'd you say to him?

I told him everything
he was doing was wrong.

Oh, golly! And Marty
wasn't responsive to that?

It's impossible to talk to him.

You know, I want to help him,
but I'm running out of speeches.

Well, you know, Tim, as someone
whose first impulse is to speechify,

I can promise you that
isn't always the best solution.

I know how to get his
attention, an atomic wedgie.

Well, you could
also try it my way.

You know, sometimes, Tim,
instead of sharing my wisdom,

I try to give people the
benefit of my experience.

What experience of mine
would be helpful to Marty?

Tim, you have helped
raise three terrific kids.

What good would it be to tell
Marty how I raised my kids?

Well, don't tell him how you
did it, just find a way to show him.

I can't even imagine
what he's going through,

doing all this parenting alone.

I mean, without Jill, I
couldn't have had the kids.

I want a cookie!

Claire, no!

How's it going, Marty?

I hate you!

That answer your question?

I want a cookie!

I told you not before dinner!

Now, you're in time-out!

Go to your room!

No! I said yes!

No! I said yes!

I want to be with Mommy!

Hey, Marty. You're doing good.

Just hang tough,
buddy. You'll be all right.

CLAIRE: (SCREAMING) I
said I wanna be with Mommy!

That's it. Time-out's
over. I'm going up there.

Hold on a second. I'll
show you what to do.

Take the cookie. Break it in
half. Right now. Break it in half.

Put half in your mouth.

Give me the other half.

Now what?

Now we go to Legoland and
build a bait and tackle shop

and forget about this.
Come on, come on.

CLAIRE: All I want is
that dumb, old cookie!

(CLAIRE SCREAMING)

She's gonna hate me
for the rest of my life.

I'll be surprised if in an hour
she still hates you, okay?

Now, I need a worm
cooler, all right? Start on that.

(CLAIRE SCREAMING)

CLAIRE: I hate it here so much!

What's going on?

We're building a bait and tackle
shop during an air-raid siren.

CLAIRE: I'm holding my breath!

We're waiting out
Claire's tantrum.

Marty, that is so good.

CLAIRE: This room is
stupid! This house is stupid!

Everyone here is stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid!

It's a dream come true.

You know, she's been at it for
over an hour. Something's gotta blow.

(CLAIRE SCREAMING)
Either her lungs or my eardrums.

You just gotta tune it out. I
barely even hear her anymore.

(CLAIRE SCREAMING)

I heard that one.

You know, I was never any
good at disciplining the kids.

Nancy was always the
one that had to tell them no.

You know, every time
they'd start to cry, I'd just...

Wait, wait, wait. Listen.

She stopped.

Should I go up there? No,
no, careful. It might be a trap.

Hi.

Hi, Claire. Hi, Claire.

Hi, honey.

Dad, since I missed dinner,

can I please have a
peanut-butter sandwich?

Sure.

Okay.

Okay.

(WHISPERING) You made it.

Thanks. I guess I did.

Hey, while I'm up,
can I get you anything?

Yeah. I'd love a cup
of tea. That'd be great.

I could go for a peanut-butter
sandwich myself.

Please!

Please!

It's all finished.

It's the first bait
and tackle shop

with its built-in
lingerie department.

Huh.

And a little Tyra
Banks out of Lego.

Gosh, it's so quiet.

I'm really proud of Marty
for getting through this.

We're just lucky our boys
are through that phase.

(DOOR BANGS)

You know, I hate living in this
house. I mean, thanks to you guys,

I'm cramped in a stupid little
basement with my geeky brother,

I've got no privacy,
I've got no ventilation

and last night, in the
middle of his sleep,

Mark starts singing
a Puff Daddy medley!

You know, this is crazy!

This is insane! I hate
living in this house! Gosh!

Well, at least
he's potty-trained.

Yeah? Well, I'm my own wife
and I don't happen to think that...

Oh, yeah. Now. Yeah.

Saying the written line.

Oh, that one. Yes.

Yeah. Well, I'm my own man and I
don't happen to agree with what your wife

(SQUEAKS)

sent you down here to say to me.

(SQUEAKS)

(SQUEAKS) If you weren't so...

If you weren't so thickheaded,

you would've... You would've...