08x13 - Chop Shop 'Til You Drop

[bunniefuu]

You know, if I wasn't
me, I would hate me.

Well, I'm not you and
I can see your point.

Oh, man! Who's stinking up
my refrigerator with this octopus?

That's Monique. She's my
date for the hockey game.

Explain to me again why Red
Wing fans throw octopi on the ice.

Because sushi is way
too expensive, honey.

All right, guys, I'll be home by
midnight. What car should I take?

Uh, better take the Nomad. I'm gonna
use the Mustang for the hockey game.

No, you can't take the Nomad.
I'm going to the movies with Patty.

What about the
Healey? Is it running?

(LAUGHING)

Guys, what am I supposed
to use for transportation?

Use your bike.

Dad, I'm going on a date.

You ride up to her house, you
ring the bell a couple of times,

chicks dig that stuff.

Guys, this is ridiculous.

I mean, we have three cars and
I still don't have anything to drive.

I mean, when am I
going to get my own car?

We're not gonna just
give you a car, Brad.

Well, Dad, that's why
I've been working so hard.

I mean, I've saved over $ , .

And on my last report
card I got all A's and B's.

You saved $ , ?

Hold on. You got
all A's and B's?

Yes. Really?

I'm proud of you, man. I'm
telling you, that's good work.

But I think this is...

The last thing your mom wants
around here right now is another car.

Actually, I was just thinking
that he's worked very hard

and deserves his own car.

Really? Really?

Well, sure. I mean,
he's saved a lot of money

and we could match
that, couldn't we?

Sure we could match
that. BRAD: Yeah!

And on top of that, I'll
spend every waking moment

getting you the
best car possible.

Cool. Thanks. Yeah!

You know what I'm
thinking of doing? What?

I'll get an old Mercury. I'll chop
it. I'll make a custom out of it.

Wait a minute! Wait a
minute! An old Camaro!

Update it, put a Vette
rear end in it. I got it!

Dad... No. Wait a
minute. Stop. Stop.

I'll go with it... Dad.

Maybe I'll get an
off-the-road thing. Dad!

Hold on! Let me... Dad!

What? This is my car.

Yes! Yes.

Your car.

Well, I guess I'm gonna call Samantha
and see if she can drive. Thanks, guys.

That's a great idea, matching the
funds for his car. That's wonderful.

Well, I did it 'cause I want
him to have a really cool car,

and money is no object
when it comes to my oldest son

getting a really
bitching set of wheels.

The money's coming out
of my car budget, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Welcome back to Tool
Time and our salute...

ANNOUNCER: Come on down.
Everything must go. Se habla espanol.

To used cars.

For those of you
who just joined us,

my son Brad is in the
audience right there.

He's buying his first car.

Hopefully, this '
Mustang GT right here.

But before he buys it,
we're gonna help him out

by giving the car a complete
mechanical inspection.

And assuming that checks out,

then we're gonna show you, right here
on the air, how to negotiate a fair deal.

That's right. We've
already test-driven it

and inspected the frame and
suspension, including the brakes.

And I've checked the oil, the
fan belt and the master cylinder.

Everything checks out a-okay.

And now we're under the hood
completing a compression test.

Compression test is
a great way to find out

if your rings are in good shape or
if you've had a cr*ck in the block.

Now, my gauge should read
between and pounds.

The last time your gauge read
that, you were six years old.

(WHIRRING)

Okay, perfect. pounds.

That's just perfect. Now, it's time to
start dealing. Right, Brad? All right.

Let's meet the
owner of this beauty.

Let's have a warm Tool Time
welcome for Mr. Michael McCready.

Well, Mike, you did
something to your hair, huh?

I'm Thelma, Michael's mother.

I'm the actual owner of the car.

Mikey was just helping
me out showing it to you.

Oh, here. I brought you kids
some homemade jelly donuts.

Well, thank you.

This is the oldest
trick in the book.

Send an old lady to soften
up the buyer with fresh donuts.

I'm on to you, Granny.

I'm sorry, Mrs. McCready. I
apologize for Tim's behavior.

That's okay. I've
seen Tool Time.

I know that sometimes
he can be a real schmo.

Have a donut, Al.

Oh, no. I couldn't.
Not while I'm working.

Oh, I made them with my
special boysenberry filling.

(SIGHS) Really?

Well, maybe just one.

Lesson number one.

You want to make sure that the
seller is honest and trustworthy.

Which begs the question, why
would a woman who voted for,

I'm guessing, Calvin Coolidge

be selling a V- Mustang?

Well, actually, it was
my late husband's car.

Oh, the old late-husband
routine, you know.

What we're going to hear now is
you only drive it to church on Sunday?

Oh, no. We took the Trans Am.

And now it's time for the
all-important negotiation.

That's right. Now, all used
cars have a blue book value.

Low book is what a
dealer might pay for it.

High book is
what he'd sell it for.

Thelma's asking price came
right in the middle, $ , .

All right. I'll give
you $ , for it.

$ , ? After all the
work we put in this car?

You take another look under
the hood. It's as clean as a whistle.

Well, Tim, it does
look pretty clean to me.

(SIZZLING)

Well, it was until you
slobbered jelly all over it.

Geez, I'm sorry!

Oh, now it's all dirty. You'll have to
knock off a little. How about $ , ?

Do we have a deal?

No, we do not.

And I'm insulted by your offer
and your disrespectful attitude.

I'm not gonna sell you this car.

All right, $ , and
I'll give you a ride home.

No deal, Tool Man.

I'm taking my
wheels and leaving.

All right. All right. All right.
$ , . And that's my final offer.

And here's my
final offer. Bite me!

Dad, you're blowing the deal.

All right. I'm willing to go
to $ , . $ , , that's fair.

Forget it! Put the spark plug
back in and give me my key.

Please, Mrs. McCready.
I really want that car.

Oh, you seem like a nice boy.

You must take after your mom.

All right. I'll let you
have it for $ , .

All right! See? $ , it is.

Plus the cost of the donuts.

Okay. What could they cost?

$ , .

Hey, Dad. Hey, Brad.

I got all the pictures
of me and the Mustang.

Let me take a look at them.

All right.

Oh, here we are
at the gas station.

Yeah.

Here I am giving it
its first oil change.

Nice.

Oh, here I am putting
on five coats of wax.

Carnauba? Oh, yeah.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, here we are
just being silly.

Hey, that's the one with me.

Yeah.

Too bad you didn't
get a reprint for me.

Oh, Dad, I am way
ahead of you, man.

All right!

How's the stew coming?

I don't know. I've
never done this before.

Oh, well, honey, it's your first time,
you know? And that's always kind of...

This is incredible.
What did you do?

Well, you know, I
followed the recipe

and made sure
you didn't touch it.

Good going.

Hey, Tim! Dinner's ready!

Nah. I'm not really that hungry.

I didn't cook it.

I am famished.

Where's Bradley?

Same place he's been
for the last three weeks,

attached at the
hip to the Mustang.

(GRUNTING) Yeah, that's my boy.

Well, my car got stolen.

What?

Yeah, right in front
of the high school.

You know, I always had a
bad feeling about that place.

I can't believe it.

Did you call the police?

Yeah, I called the police.

Then I had to ride home
on that stupid yellow bus.

Well, what did they say?

"Hey, what's the cool
guy doing on the bus?"

The police.

Oh, they said they hope I
have a good insurance policy.

Well, I know the guys
down at the precinct.

I'll give them a call and make
sure they're doing it the right way.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, I know. I loved that
car more than anything.

Well, maybe they'll find it.

Or if they don't, you
know, we got insurance.

We can get you another car.

I know, Mom. But I don't want
another one. I want my car.

Well, look, your dad's gonna
do everything he can do.

Hello, Officer. Yeah.
This is Tim Taylor.

Well, apparently, my son's car
just got stolen at the high school.

And I'm giving away
free Tool Time tickets

to the first group
of guys that find it.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me!

You know, I fail to see the
humor in what I just said.

Brad, come on. You got
to try some of Mark's stew.

We usually don't eat this well.

I know, Dad. I just can't believe
my car is gone, you know?

I keep thinking I'm gonna
step out that front door

and she's gonna be
there waiting for me.

It'll get back to you.

Some kids probably just took it
for a joy ride. Come on, sit down.

I know. But, Dad, we put
so much work into that car.

I mean, what? Didn't
we test-drive, like, cars

before we decided which
one was best for me?

Well, if you count the Ferrari
we drove just for the fun of it.

So, Dad, have you ever
had a car stolen before?

No. But I've experienced
every car disaster known to man.

Floods, fires, jockstrap
caught in the fan belt.

It was a fraternity
thing, you know?

(PHONE RINGING)

Yo. Yeah, it's Tim Taylor.

They found it. Yeah,
leave it where it is.

We'll come down and pick it up.

Don't take it to
impound, all right?

Franklin between
Adams and Walton. I got it.

Okay, we'll be right there.

It's completely stripped.

Oh, man! I can't
believe my car is gone.

Officer, what's your
plan of att*ck now?

Well, I'll call the tow truck,
they'll haul it to impound,

then I'll take a break.

Well, that ought to put the
fear of God in those thugs.

You're saying there's
nothing we can do?

I'm sorry, Mrs. Taylor. But you
have to catch these guys red-handed.

You see, the vehicle parts
don't necessarily correspond

with any individual cars.

So, even if they find yours,

you can't prove they were
stolen from your vehicle.

Thanks, anyway.

I'll fill out the report, and we'll
get back to you if we find anything.

Sorry, kid.

So, my car's gone forever.

Oh, honey. Look, let's just
go home and get some sleep,

and tomorrow we can go
out and look for another car.

You know, I can't believe this. I mean,
there's nothing they can do about this?

I'm with Brad. Somebody's got
to be held accountable for this.

You heard the officer.
There's nothing they can do.

Well, maybe there's
nothing they can do.

There's something I can do.

I'm the guy that delivered a baby after
being crowned "Car Guy of the Year."

The same night! I'm the
guy that built a lawnmower

that can do seconds
in the quarter mile.

I'm the guy that put a barbecue
grill into geosynchronous orbit.

So, don't you tell me
there's nothing we can do.

I'm The Tool Man!
I can fix anything!

Okay. Fine. Then zip
up your fly and let's go.

TIM: No, listen, Officer, I got this tip
from a friend of mine named Eddie.

He owns Eddie's Body Shop.

He says it's a place called A-
Salvage that's selling stolen parts.

So, I figured you guys got to
go down there and check it out.

What do you mean, you need
a warrant? This is America.

Okay. All right. Thank you.

What was all that about?

I got a lead on an auto shop that
might be selling stolen Ford parts.

The police won't go
down to check it out,

so I thought maybe I should.

Are you insane?

Those guys could be
dangerous criminals.

Hello. Souffle in the oven.

Well, this might have something
to do with Brad's stolen car.

You're not gonna accomplish
anything by running around,

acting like a vigilante lunatic.

People, please.

You're right, though.

Just like the cop said, even if I
could go down and find the parts,

there's no way I could prove
they came from Brad's car.

Okay. Now you're
making some sense.

What I need to do is take a couple
months off of work, grow a beard,

get a job on the inside
and become one of them.

Hey, Wilson. What are you doing?

Well, I'm getting ready to
give my honey to a friend.

She sounds like a very
understanding woman.

No, no, no, no, no, Tim.

See, I'm bottling honey to
take to a Crespian festival.

Did you realize that in Crespia
they pay homage to honey

because to them
it's symbolic of gold?

How do they celebrate
that in Detroit?

Well, we have a little honey,

and then we get all liquored
up and put on funny hats.

Do you want to come?

I'm not in that funny of a mood.

So, I take it you're still
upset about Brad's car.

You're darn right I am. And I even
got a tip of who might have stolen it.

But the police aren't interested

because they don't have
any evidence, you know?

I feel so helpless.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

You know, I was robbed
once when I was .

I was riding my
brother's unicycle.

Did they steal
one of your tires?

No, no. This big bully came,
pushed me off and took it.

What did you do?
I didn't do anything.

It was that hooligan
Terry Zavacas.

Sold it. I didn't
have any evidence.

So you never caught him?

Her.

It was one of the most
humiliating experiences of my life.

I mean, just talking
about it right now is

just bringing up all
these ugly memories.

God, I hated Terry
Zavacas and...

Wilson! Wilson!
That sleazy band of...

Hey, calm down, buddy.

Just think about all the fun
you'll have at that lesbian festival.

It's a Crespian festival.

And you're right. I do
have to collect myself.

I must call my good friend Guillermo
and remind him to bring the donuts.

Donuts! Donuts!

That's the answer
to my question.

What? Yeah. Mrs. McCready,

the boysenberry filling, the
manifold, Al slobbering all over it.

It's totally clear right
now. Thanks, Wilson!

I think somebody's been doing
a little celebrating on their own.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Tim, you look like Juan Valdez.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

Al and I are going down to
this chop shop, A- Salvage,

to look for stolen parts and I
don't want anyone to recognize me.

I assume this has something
to do with Brad's car.

Yes.

We're looking for
evidence to give the cops.

Tim, it sounds a
little dangerous.

Are you sure you
should be doing this?

We just got to be careful,
clever and discreet.

Wait till you see this.
Al. Look at the spy cam.

HEIDI: Oh.

You don't think anyone
might notice that?

AL: I don't think these
costumes are gonna work.

TIM: I disagree. I
think they look great.

Uh, I don't know.

It's just I have a very
bad feeling about this.

Why did I ever agree
to come down here?

Because you're the
one that ate the donut.

You're the only one that can
identify the boysenberry jelly

that fell on the manifold.

I am not a crime stopper.

What if they frisk me?

These guys are
criminals, not masochists.

Turn the camera on.

All right. Friday.

: . Tim Taylor and Al Borland
go in looking for stolen parts.

Mother, if something
happens to me,

you can have all my
John Tesh albums.

What can I do for you?

We're looking for
some car parts.

That's right. A part. That's all we're
looking for, just a part. Just a part.

What are you looking for?

Maybe a manifold off
an ' Ford Mustang.

Manifolds are over there. I think we
got an ' Mustang in there somewhere.

Great. Thank you!

Can I help you?

Uh, no, no. We're just browsing.

Well, if you need anything,
my name is George.

Oh, my God, Tim! That's
the guy we met in prison.

I know it! You know, when
we were scalping tickets?

He'll never recognize
us with these getups on.

Hey, wait a minute. Were
you guys ever in county jail?

I think we showered together.

I don't think so. You must have me
mistaken with some other gentleman.

Mustang manifold, something
purple and sticky. Lick it.

What?

Well, you got to make
sure it's the right one. Lick it.

Man!

Why is he licking the manifold?

It doesn't make
him a bad person.

That's boysenberry, all right.
I think we have our evidence.

You can stop licking it now.

All right. I think that we found
what we were looking for.

All right. What do
we owe you for that?

Hundred bucks and it's yours.

And I'm sure you'll
probably want it in cash.

Just pay the man, Bobby.

All right. I'll pay. I'll pay
them, all right. And so will they.

Hey, what is that? Some
kind of video recorder?

No. That's his artificial heart.

He keeps an artificial
heart in his fanny pack?

HMOs. What are you gonna do?

Hey, wait a minute. I know you.

No, you don't. Yeah.
You're The Tool Man.

The guy who has
all those accidents.

Well, you're about to have
an even bigger accident.

Give me that video camera!

No! Never! Never! Tim, take it!

Run! Run, Tim!

What's going on here?

We got a call from someone
named Heidi that there's a problem.

Oh, no. There's no problem here.

Thank God, you guys are here.

These are hardened criminals. I
know because I met George in prison.

We have evidence that these
gentlemen are selling stolen car parts.

Oh, they don't have squat.

I got more than squat. I got
boysenberry jelly on a manifold.

You got a manifold with jelly?

That's right. I ought
to know. I licked it.

This manifold was stolen off my son's
car and I've got a videotape to prove it.

Here you go, officers.

What do you think now, punks?

I can't believe I let
you borrow my soap.

REPORTER: In local
news, a chop shop is busted

thanks to two local
TV personalities.

Their evidence? A jelly donut.

Tim Taylor and Al Borland
used this segment from Tool Time

and a hidden camera
to identify a stolen car.

A hundred bucks and it's yours.

Thanks to the jelly tape,

police uncovered a whole
cache of stolen property.

For Channel News,
this is Tiffany Gutierrez.

You know, that just
goes to show you,

you don't have to sit idly
by and become a victim.

You can act on your principles.

I still think it was stupid
for you to go down there.

In the future, I forbid
either one of you

to ever act on your principles.

Yeah, don't worry. Our generation
doesn't have any principles.

Good job, Dad. Thanks.

Yeah. Way to nail those punks.

Now if you excuse me,
I've got a duckling to glaze.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go
check the newspaper for a new car.

Good. Uh, I know you didn't
want me going down there,

but I just couldn't
stand the thought of

letting those guys
get away with it, okay?

Oh, I just... I hate that our kids
have to think about this kind of stuff.

I don't remember worrying
about it when I was growing up.

You grew up on a m*llitary base.

Someone steal a car, they'd
take a bazooka and form the guy...

Tim? Well, you know. Right.

Please.

Now, you know what I mean?
It's just... It's scary out there.

Well, it's a lot less scary
now, thanks to a crime buster

and his partner, Pop'n'Fresh.

Well, I'll tell you one thing,
when Brad gets his new car,

he is going to have some
kind of security system,

state-of-the-art,
no expense spared.

Let me guess. It's coming
out of my car budget?

Oh, yeah.

Well, we're just about at the end
of our segment on car security.

But before we go, I'd like
to show you a super-secret,

high-tech alarm system, new
from the boys at Binford R and D.

See, my kid's car
was stolen recently.

In order for that
not to happen again,

we've installed that on
his brand-new car here.

Al, try breaking in.

Oh, no. I'm not falling
for one of your traps again.

Oh, no? Your paycheck's
in the glove box.

Oh, man!

Well, that wasn't so hard. No?

Once the perpetrator enters
the vehicle without authorization,

the car snaps into action, locking
the doors and rolling up the windows.

(ALARM BLARING)

Tim!

And, finally, before
the police arrive,

you want to put your thief
under a little bit of pressure.

(YELLING)

I've checked the oil, the fan
belt and the master cylinder.

Everything checks out a-okay.

And now we're under the hood
completing a compression test.

Way to nail those punks.

Now if you excuse me,
I've got a duckling to glaze.

(THUD) Yeah, I think I... Wow!

Get down!

What was that? What was that?