08x21 - A Hardware Habit to Break

[bunniefuu]

Hey, guys. Got the hot rod
outside. Want to go for a ride?

We'll scare some
student drivers, huh?

No, that's okay. Go ahead.

No! Student drivers!
Get up behind them.

(IMITATES HONKING)

What's the matter?

Tell him, Harry.

I can't.

I mean, look at that face.

Poor guy's got no clue.

I've never had a clue.

Come on, guys. What's going on?

Harry's selling
the hardware store.

Oh, quick! Get a chair!

Sorry. Where was I?

I thought for a minute I heard you
say you were selling the hardware store.

He is. I've been totally useless
ever since I heard the news.

And for years before that.

Harry, why all of a sudden?

Dolores.

Her asthma's acting up again?

Oh, yeah. She wants to
move to a warmer climate.

Yeah. They're moving to Tucson.

That's in Arizona.

Tucson is Plan A. Plan B
is we stop at a gas station,

she goes in to powder her
nose, and I burn rubber for Vegas.

You can't just leave your
wife in the middle of nowhere.

If we're meant to be
together, she'll find me.

Wait, wait, wait.

You own % of the hardware store.
Why don't you just buy the rest of it?

I wish. But I don't
have that kind of money.

Unless you want
to give me a raise.

I don't think so.

Well, you got a
rich girlfriend. Trudy!

I can't ask Trudy.

I mean, if I let her buy
the hardware store for me,

I'd feel like I was taking
money for sexual favors.

Wow, I didn't realize
Harry's retirement

could send you spiraling
into a life of prostitution.

Can I speak to you privately?

Yeah.

This could be a
great opportunity.

Listen to me. You
could buy the place.

Get a bank loan.
I'll co-sign for you.

It's not just the money.

There's a lot of things
going on in my life right now.

Like what?

Promoted to head bingo caller?

I wish!

No. The fact is that Trudy
and I are getting pretty serious.

And there might be some major
expenses coming up in my life.

Don't tell anyone!
You know, even Jill.

But I'm thinking of making
her the next Mrs. Borland.

You want her to be your mother?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It's
good news. It's good news.

But now we really gotta
find a buyer for this place.

And I will do whatever it takes.

Harry, have you had anybody put
a bid in on it or anything like that?

Yeah. A nail salon.

A nail salon? This
is the work of Satan.

I can't believe it!

Our store is being turned
over to a bunch of women

who sit on their
cans and yak all day!

Why do you have a
brochure for a motel in Florida?

'Cause a bunch of kids and I are
going down there for spring break.

It's gonna be a week with
no parents, no chaperones

and no tops in the Jacuzzi.

And how did you get Mom
and Dad to agree to this?

Well, that's one detail I
haven't quite figured out.

But I've got a plan.

Hi, guys. How's it going?

You know, it's interesting
you should ask, Mom.

While many young
Americans are busy

frittering away their
lives with sex and dr*gs,

I have remained dedicated to
my studies and athletic pursuits.

You're not going to
Florida on spring break.

How does she know these things?

Your travel agent called.

Oh, man!

Guess what? Harry is
selling the hardware store.

We're gonna save a lot of money.

Hey, now I can
actually go to college.

(JILL LAUGHING)

Oh, come on! Harry's always
threatening to sell the store.

This time it's for real. Dolores's
asthma is really acting up

and so they're gonna
move to Tucson.

It's in Arizona.

Well, that really is awful.

What's awful is now I
have to buy all my hardware

at one of those
big chain stores.

Or you could be happy
with the tools you have.

Fat chance of that.

This is a disturbing
trend, though.

This signals the demise
of American small business.

I know. My favorite book store was
bought out by one of those big chains.

Now it's so sterile
when you go there.

I used to love to just be
there for hours and browse.

Well, maybe if you'd
bought something,

they wouldn't be
going out of business.

Well, there's got to be someone
who'd be interested in taking it over.

Other than you.

Give me one reason why I
shouldn't buy the hardware store.

We have three kids
who have to go to college.

I said one reason.

Come on, Tim. There's gotta
be another buyer out there.

You're a great salesman. You
should be able to find someone.

When we were selling tools,
we used to have these big parties

to soften up potential buyers.

Did it work? You bet!

Wild time. A lot of brown
liquor, sexy women.

(WHOOPING)

I just hated those times.

Tim, this is great!

Unbelievable! I'm so excited.

All these people are interested
in buying the hardware store!

(BABBLING)

They all think they're here
for a free meal, all right?

Hey, Rock, what
are you drinking?

What am I not drinking?

Hey, Tim. Thank
you. This is really nice.

Usually, when people
invite me over to their house,

it's because they want
to sell me something.

Oh, the weasels. Here.
Let me top that off for you.

Thank you, Tim.

Dolores, we're really
gonna miss you.

Yes, we are.

I've ignored my
asthma for years.

It just keeps getting
worse and worse.

Oh, I forgot. Cigar
smoke bothers you.

You light that, Harry,
you're sleeping alone tonight.

Hey, your old ball and chain's
looking hot. She's a real tomato.

Yeah.

I'm a lucky man, Eddie. Yeah.

Hey, Jill? Why don't you
go flirt with Eddie a little bit?

Are you insane?

I'm not asking
you to do anything.

And your call.

I think it's time for you to tell
everybody why they're here.

All right. Okay, everybody,
gather up. Yeah. All right.

I want to say how happy I am
that you all joined us here tonight.

We are here to celebrate.

Celebrate what, Tim?

America!

America, yeah.

Hey, if you're organizing a
secret militia, Timmy, count me in.

No. I'm here to try to
save a small business.

Ladies and gentlemen, Harry's
Hardware is going out of business.

Oh, no. When did that happen?

I've been taken
over by a nail salon

and forced to live in
the desert with my wife.

Oh, no!

And now we'll all have
to buy our hardware

at one of those
big faceless chains

instead of a friendly
place like Harry's.

I got you.

We're calling
our unit "Harry's."

I know where we can get g*ns.

Now, come on, everybody.

Don't you... We don't want to lose
our hardware store now, do we?

ALL: No!

We're not just gonna stand
here and let this happen, are we?

ALL: No! AL: No, we're not!

So, who's gonna step up
and buy this Harry's Hardware?

TIM: Yeah!

What?

Anybody?

Tim, look, we all
love to shop there.

But it just doesn't make
sense to buy the place.

Look, you can't compete
with the large discount stores.

It's a great opportunity.
Harry's has a good location.

He's an institution
in this town.

Then, how come you don't buy it?

Yeah! How come you don't buy it?

I think The Tool Man is afraid

to put his money
where his mouth is!

I am not afraid!

Then prove it! Come on, Timmy.

Prove it!

I don't have to
prove it. Prove what?

Prove it! Prove it! All
right! I'll buy the place!

ALL: Yeah!

I think it's great you're
buying the hardware store, Tim.

Hey, congratulations, Jill.

We gotta talk.

We're at a party. Not now.

We have talked
about this already.

There's no way that
you can buy a business.

We don't know that.

I don't even know
what I paid for the place.

Harry, what did I
pay for the place?

Eighty thousand dollars.

Eighty thousand dollars?

The nail salon
talked you down to .

Oh, yeah.

Honey, we just can't shell
out that kind of money.

Listen, listen, listen.

What if I carried the loan? That way
you don't have to make a down payment.

You can make monthly payments.

And then if it works out,
you can give me the rest later.

Why didn't you
make that deal to me?

All right. I'll offer
you the same thing.

I'll pass. But
thanks for asking.

See? The way he puts it, it
makes it a win-win situation for us.

Just try it a couple of months.

Then if you want to bail,
I'll sell it to the nail salon.

Look, why don't
you guys talk it over

while I feed Harry
something fatty and salty?

Honey, just... Honey,
look, even if we can make

the monthly payments, I
mean, you've already got a job.

How are you gonna
run a business?

Al. Al's % owner.
So, he'd work part-time.

Then I'd work part-time. And...

Marty! Have him work
full-time. He needs a job anyway.

I don't know. It's still
a huge undertaking.

I really want to give it a sh*t.

It's not for me, it's for every
guy out there with a dream.

I don't think every guy out
there has the same dream, Tim.

This saw's $ cheaper at Tool
Mart. Why should I buy it here?

We deliver.

But I'm already here.

All right, I'll tell you
what. I'll knock off a buck.

A buck? You gotta be kidding!

Look, I got customers
waiting, you know?

If Tool Mart is so much
cheaper, go shop there.

Good idea!

Wait, hold it...

Great sales technique, Marty.

I'm sorry, Tim. I guess I'm
not a very good salesman.

It's not just you. We haven't done any
better with Al and I behind the counter.

I don't know how Harry does it.

I mean, it's impossible to move
merchandise at these prices.

I have a theory.

Let me guess. Harry had
a better selection of donuts.

Yes. But that's not my point.

What is your point, Benny?

Well, people had a long-standing
relationship with Harry,

so they were
willing to pay more.

Once Harry left,

people didn't have to feel guilty
about switching to Tool Mart.

I never thought I'd say this.

Benny's right.

I know I'm right. I bought a
faucet at Tool Mart this morning.

Saved myself a bundle.

I gotta hand it to you, Tim.

I mean, this is the worst investment
you ever could have made.

Way to problem-solve, Marty.

Well, hi-ho, tool Taylors.

Morning, Wilson.

Always nice to see
your face around here.

Well, thank you, Tim.

What can we do for you, Wilson?

Well, I stopped by
to buy a few things.

Stuff's a lot
cheaper at Tool Mart.

Marty!

Man, I stink at this!

Oh, I would never
shop at Tool Mart.

I'd rather spend
a little bit more

and come down and get
personal service from Harry's.

I wish everybody felt
the same way you feel.

Business not going so good?

Well, let's put it this way, the
next time you come in here,

you'll be getting a
pedicure and a bikini wax.

Well, I did get
myself a new Speedo.

Wilson, we're not
making any money.

What did Harry
have that we don't?

Well, people trusted Harry.

He was the kind of guy who
stood behind everything he sold.

He'd do anything for a customer.

I'm that kind of guy.

Well, I know that, Tim. But I'm
not sure everybody else does.

Then, Marty, we
gotta get the word out.

I know! We can print up flyers!
Then we can get on our bikes

and we can plaster them
all over the neighborhood!

Yippie-yi-yo-ki-yay!

Marty! Yeah!

And then... Wait a minute...

We'll sell lemonade
in the driveway!

And put cards in our spokes that
go like this! We'll have big lollipops!

And then we'll
have a puppet show

for all the rest of the
kids in the neighborhood!

What the hell's the
matter with you?

We did that to prove a point.

That in the wrong hands,
even water is flammable.

That's right. And
we'll be right back

after these important
commercial messages.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

Hi, I'm Tim Taylor. You
probably know me from Tool Time.

What you probably don't know is I'm now
the proud new owner of Harry's Hardware.

Tim, aren't you
forgetting something?

Yes. And Al is
my silent partner.

Show them how that works.

That's very funny.

Well, in the past, Harry's Hardware
has been known for its personal service.

That's true. Every
time I shop there,

people drop whatever
they're doing to help me.

Even the ones that
don't work there.

Now that service is
going to get even better.

That's right. We're proud to introduce
Harry's new Video Tool Library.

So, come on down to the
store and borrow a video

for any project you might be
working on, absolutely free!

Did you say free?

I said free!

And that's not all.

If you have any questions
about any one of the videos,

you can call us at
our -hour tool line.

That's right. Tim and I
bought these cell phones

for the express purpose
of being there for you!

Al and I are standing
by hours a day

to attend to all the questions of
our hardware store customers.

Call us anytime, hours a
day, night or day, day or night!

(PHONE RINGING)

Harry's on call! No
problem too small!

No, Mother. This won't conflict
with square-dancing night.

Harry's Hardware!

(PHONE RINGING)

Harry's on call. No problem
too small. Hold on a second.

Hold on, there's a great
pay-per-view movie on

and Mom's not home.
Can we watch it?

Yeah. Go ahead.

So, what's this
one called again?

Shakespeare in Lust.

Oh, wow! Queen Elizabeth is
played by Busty Bartholomew.

I love her work.

(DOOR OPENING)

And after that, call
a licensed plumber.

Hi, guys. Thanks a lot. Bye.

Tim, are you not monitoring
what they're watching?

There's some woman on
there wearing a leather thong!

Not anymore.

Guys, finish up this scene
and shut this thing off!

What?

Does everybody
know what time it is?

ALL: Tool Time!

That's right. Binford
Tools is proud to present

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(WHOOPS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Tim? Al? Where are you guys?

At Harry's hot line, we'd
recommend some oil or grease on that.

Well, how'd you get it in there?

Tim!

Mmm.

Looks like somebody's
ready to come over to Daddy.

Actually, I was thinking of going
downstairs to meet the cable guy.

Well, see if you can't get
us some premium channels.

(LAUGHING)

Okay. Come here.

(PHONE RINGING)

Ignore it.

Just... I gotta do this.

Okay, Harry's hot line.
No problem too small.

Oh, a blocked toilet.

Yeah, yeah, that's
very, very hard.

Don't put drain cleaner in
there. No! That's not a good idea.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Well, you're gonna need a snake
or a crowbar to bust that sucker up.

Huh? Yeah.

What the heck you
been eating, sir?

Yeah.

Okay, where were we? Nowhere.

What do you mean "nowhere"?

Well, first of all, that phone
call was really disgusting.

Worse for him.

And second of all, every
time we try to get romantic,

one of your customers calls.

I'm trying to run a business.

Well, the business is
just ruining your whole life.

You haven't slept in weeks.

Well, it's working
though. I've been

getting a lot of new
customers in the store.

Yeah. But, honey, at what cost?

The more customers you get,
the harder you have to work.

It's affecting your
whole life, you know?

Your family, your work,
your health, my sex life.

You're not thinking of
calling Eddie, are you?

No. It's his turn to call me.

I am so tired.

Maybe it was a dumb idea for
me buying this hardware store.

No. It wasn't a dumb idea.

You bought it because
you're just a passionate person.

That's what I love about you.

Yeah, I know. But my passion's
starting to get in the way of our passion.

Uh-huh.

And I really love
this hardware store,

but I don't know if it's
worth giving up everything.

Well, you know, you don't
have to decide tonight.

You can sleep on it and
decide in the morning.

I don't feel like sleeping.

Oh, good.

I feel like waxing the hot rod.

I don't think so, Tim.

Good morning, Marty.

Hey, Tim. Business
was great today.

That's good. Pack
your things up.

I'm gonna sell
to the nail salon.

What are you talking about? You
mean I don't have a job anymore?

Depends how good you
are with an emery board.

Hey, Tim. Hey, Jeff.

Hey. What are you doing here?

Oh, I just came in to
get some keys made

and Marty asked me to
take a look at the books.

Don't bother, Jeff.
I'll tell you the ending.

He's shutting down Harry's.

Really? Gee. Last week was the
store's best grossing week of the year.

It was?

I think this calls
for a celebration.

Free keys.

Well, take all the keys you
want. I'm still gonna sell the shop.

Oh, come on! Why?

Because I don't want
my wife dating Eddie!

That's not a problem. Eddie's
dating somebody else's wife.

Marty, I'm just not getting any
sleep. I'm working too much here.

Twenty-four-hour hot
line's pretty exhausting, huh?

Oh, by the way, thanks for
talking me through that toilet clog.

I can't believe
the dream is over.

It doesn't have
to be. How's that?

Look, you've already got
people coming in the store.

They know who you are. Maybe
you can cut back on the hot line hours.

Even if I cut back
on the hot line hours,

it's just, the workload's
too much for me to handle.

Well, I might be interested
in coming in as a partner.

Yeah. You know, I
think I could spend

a few hours in the
store every week.

You? Yeah. Of course.

I think this is a
good investment.

There's a kiss of death.

Well, thank you for that.

I've saved a few
bucks. And, you know,

when Marty here gets back
on his feet in or years,

maybe he'll want
to come in, too.

What do you think? Wait, wait.

You're serious about this?

Yeah. Yes, it is.

This might be the
first time we've ever

done something together
that was productive.

No. No. Remember that time we dug
that really giant hole in the back yard?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I was so excited

that my big brothers were letting
me hang out with them finally.

Until I found out we were digging
that hole so you could stick me in it.

Just think what we could do
with a whole store full of shovels.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Sure.

I ain't gonna fall for
that one anymore.

You're gonna have
to find somebody else.

What are you looking at?

ALL: Somebody else.

For the millionth time, you are
not going to Florida on spring break.

But, Mom, will you hear me out?

All right. A lot of the parents
shared your concerns, all right?

Now we have five
chaperones going.

The boys are staying in one hotel
and the girls are staying in another.

We're gonna be
supervised hours a day.

And I promise, we
can't go anywhere alone.

So, why do you want to go?

I don't think I do anymore.

We did that to...
We just did that.

WOMAN: Four, three...

Absolutely free!

Did you say free?

(MIMICKING TIM) Oh, yes, I did!

Listen, I know, we
can print up some...

Yeah. They're moving to Arizona.

That's in Tucson, you know?

I know.