08x28 - Backstage Pass

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Home Improvement". Aired: September 17, 1991 - May 25, 1999.
Tim the "toolman" and his wife Jill raise 3 children with the wise neighbor Wilson.
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08x28 - Backstage Pass

Post by bunniefuu »

WOMAN: Okay, guys. Thank you.
Have a good show, everybody.

We became just like a family,
because over the years
we developed

a lot of love here.
A lot of love.

I don't know.
This is kind of a place
where I've grown up

for the past eight years.

I look at this as my home
away from home.

That's exactly the way
I remember it.

Okay, this is gonna be
a great show.



TIM: This is where some of
the funny stuff happens
that you've never seen.

Behind the scenes.

Between the takes.


Oh, I know you're...


But wait. There's more.

NARRATOR: You'll have
a front-row seat
for the emotional final bows.

And, last but not least,
Wilson's face revealed.

All this and more

coming up on
Home Improvement:
Backstage Pass.

For a show like this
to be successful,
everyone has to have a...

A role, like on deck.

I was the man
that kept the boat on course,

straight and narrow,
always heading
towards the sun.

Let's party!


Honey! Daddy's waiting.


Yeah, baby.
Who's your daddy, huh?

Get on down here.
Bring the cat.

Puncture him,
put him in the microwave.

Well, you gotta put holes
in it, otherwise
it'll explode.

(SQUEAKILY) Over here.
Come here. Come here.

Come here, snake.

All right.



We'd like to order
one of those
pizzas of yours.

I'll go with the sea squid
and the pollen sperm. Yeah.

After these messages,
our double-wild bonus round.
Wow, wow, wow!

Tim's acting style is somewhere

between De Niro
and Larry Storch,

with a Yanni-like quality.

Now that we're finished
showing you
Wilson's metal sculptures...

"I'm Spartacus."
"No, I'm Spartacus."

"No, it's me. I'm Spartacus."
"I am Spartacus."

(LISPING) "No, it's me.
I'm Spartacus, really.
I'm Spartacus. Ask anybody."

Real answer.
We don't have a daughter.

That's why we don't have
a daughter,
we don't have a daughter.

We just don't have a daughter.
We don't have a daughter.

We don't have a daughter.
We don't have a daughter.

We don't have...
We just do not
have a daughter.

Pat and I, in many ways,
it was just like
a real marriage.

A lot of give and take.

You look real sexy.
I do?

You got the legs
for this.


Hangs long.
I just wish
it was shorter.

Even if you parked
a brand-new car under a tree
filled with hungry pigeons,

you know, I'll call Triple A...


Even if you park
a new car under...

Even if you do something
as crazy as
park a new car under a tree

filled with just-fed...

Even if you do something
as crazy as
parking your car

under a tree filled
with birds, I am not...

And you didn't look
at me once like that tonight.
Thanks a lot, Tim!

Happy anniversary!


We shared some very,
very private moments.

Yes. You don't want to
be the only one

with an incredibly
desirable woman.

You ripped your pants.

Especially when you laugh
and that part of your body

moves up and down...

I'm like a second father
to the boys, you know?

I used to bounce them
on my knee, you know,
wipe their noses...

He really taught us
all the important things
in life. Grunting, burping...

Proper spit technique.
How to hock a loogie.

We'd play games.
He would read us stories.

He would sew us little outfits.


I'm gonna miss that.

You know,
I hate living in
this house!

I mean, thanks to you guys,
I'm stuck in a basement
with my geeky brother,

I've got no privacy,
I've got no hospitality,

and I'm saying
the frikkin line wrong,
so I'm gonna go back.

Oh, yeah?
Well, I got a new article
for your title.

No, I don't.
I have a new title
for your article.


We're back.

How was the PTA meeting?


The metal-shop teacher
and I heckled
the principal the whole time.

No, I think having
the birthday party two weeks
before the real thing...


For the boys' benefit,
because they're young actors,
I would blow a line.

It makes them more comfortable.

We'll go straight to
the horse's mouth.

I didn't say anything.

That'll help. This helps.

Growing up as a kid,
all you want is
a little discipline.

Tim never really gave us that.



Tim, he has some other
methods of release.

You know, he really is
a fabulous dancer.

I don't know who the hell
ever said that,
'cause it's not true.

He's just in denial about it.

♪ Do it now

♪ Yeah, hey Do it

♪ Play that funky music
white boy

♪ Play that funky music right

♪ Play that funky music
white boy

Big jazz hands.

♪ Lay down that boogie
and play that funky music
till you die

♪ Till you die
Oh till you die ♪

We're not highly paid,
but we're skilled.

We're not even that skilled.

NARRATOR: Still to come
on Home Improvement:
Backstage Pass.

Al and Wilson reminisce
about their days with Tim.

Actually, I think
the fence thing
was Tim's idea.

NARRATOR: The cast
and their
emotional final farewells.

TIM: As much fun as it was
to watch, it was to do.

NARRATOR: And you'll finally
come face to face with Wilson.

Don't go away.
We'll be right back.

Wilson and I were very close.
It was like
father-son, brothers...

But there was something
that always came between us,
and I couldn't put...

I can't put my finger on it.
Something always was there.

It was a fence, Tim.


Two men separated only by wood.

It was comfortable.
It was easy.

It flowed.

You can't allow
a challenge
to make you forget

what the point
of the whole scene
is about.


See, it was believed
that the bride's
penetrating glance

could make you remember
the darn line.


Loser. Loser.

Wilson's a loser.

I never liked the fence.

I mean, I think
it was a shame
to hide his face.

He had
a very delicate philtrum.

And in the right light,
it was very attractive.

EARL HINDMAN: Well, I like to
think that Wilson was
a faceless representation

of pure intellect
and raw reason.

Or maybe it was just a gimmick.

We're supposed
to be in the yard, right?

You can hear people.

I don't hear anything.


What in the hell is that?

What could it be?
It sounds like
a lot of people, too.

A lot of people,

Now, there's a fence here.

And there's a little alley.

And it used to be
very quiet little
townhouses over there.

Over there.
There's the park.

The McGerns are here.

There's crowds
and crowds of people.

Now wait a minute.


Where do you suppose they are?

I don't know.

What I'd like to know is...
I wonder who they are.

Richard Karn, great guy.
Overcame all the odds.

Think of one other funny guy
that became famous in plaid.

You know, after eight years,
Tool Time was like
a well-oiled machine.

Many different parts working
together in harmony.

Hey. Well, that's our show
for today.

Al, why don't you tell
everybody about
the good show coming up?


That's all she wrote for today.

That's right.

Golly, Al,
have you heard about...

Absolutely free.

Did you say free?

Al, have you heard about...

Absolutely free.

(SPUTTERING) Did you say free?

I said free!

And that's not all.
If you...

Al, have you heard about...

It was a lot of fun.
We were a great team,
like Starsky and Hutch.

Or Steve and Eydie,
The Ghost and Mrs. Muir.

And the motorcycle guys,

you know, with the tight pants
and the tall boots.
Those guys.

You all know my assistant, Al.


Al, it's a demonstration.
No one can start a f*re
with these.


You're on f*re.

Oh, indeed I seem to be, Al.
But look there.

It seems to be out now.
We can continue
the demonstration.

We're gonna sh**t Al
out of a giant glue g*n.

I'm looking for a big,
juicy porterhouse.

Good choice.

We can't let Heidi
go when she's this...



My role as the Tool Time girl
gave me a unique opportunity

to stretch as an actress.

To take one line,
seven little words,
and to hone them,

to make them my own.

Does everybody know
what time it is?

Does everybody know
what time it is? Does...

You know, not many people
get that opportunity.
I was very lucky.

Debbe? One word.


Let's get ready to repair!

Hey, sexy.
Great show!

Thank you.


I wish Tim could
hear you say that.

I don't think
he needs to hear it.


You'd think
with all the money
you've pulled down,

you could afford the rest
of those pantaloonies.

You'd think with the money
you pull down,
you could afford the rest...

You know, you'd think
with the money you make,

you could afford
the rest of those...

I had to say
the word "culotte,"
just once.

NARRATOR: Coming up,
the emotional final bows.

I couldn't imagine
a better group of people.

NARRATOR: And the moment
you've been waiting for.

Wilson's face revealed.

Don't go away.
We'll be right back.

Guys, guys, easy,
easy, easy, easy.

Pretty soft hands for a grip.


Well, working with Tim was like

sitting at the kids' table
at Thanksgiving, every day.

Well, I can do this
'cause it's
the end of the show.

I am a thespian,
trapped in a man's body.

I'm comfortable with that.

It has been everything.
Hysterical, fun,
a little challenging.

It was fun and exhausting
and inspiring.

I've spent more than
half my life here,

so it's gonna be
definitely a change.

Well, it was a lot of fun,

even though I can't remember
one funny thing that happened.

But I'm gonna miss it.

Debbe Dunning!

DEBBE: What I'm gonna miss
most about Home Improvement
is the laughing.

The everyday guarantee
of laughing.

ANNOUNCER: Richard Karn!

RICHARD: The routine of it.

It's like all of a sudden
you're out of school
and it's fall,

and, you know,
"I should be
doing something.

"What is it I'm supposed..."

Oh, yeah. Working.

ANNOUNCER: Playing Wilson
is Earl Hindman!

EARL: The camaraderie,
the relationship with me
and Tim and the whole cast.

ANNOUNCER: Taran Smith!

TARAN: It's like having this
one huge family that you go
and you see every day.

Zachery Ty Bryan!

ZACHERY: I'm gonna
miss the cast,

because we really do
get along like a family.

Patricia Richardson!

PATRICIA: It was really fun.
I laughed all the time.

All right, baby.

And playing Tim, Tim Allen!


TIM: I'm gonna miss
the family and crew here
at Home Improvement.

Backstage with my best friends.

So who was
this Donna?
What was she like?

Oh, my God, Donna.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

She was...
She was...

She couldn't hold
a candle to Richard,
I'll tell you that.

Who was Richard?

Big guy I met.

He did horoscopes
for Miles Davis.

What did he do for you?

He had very soft hands.

You know what? No matter
how hard you try
to fight against it,

you're always
your mother's child.

Hey, I got a fun idea.


Yeah, well, I'm my own wife,
and I don't
happen to think that...

When you fight,
where do you go?

Tim Taylor.
Can I get you anything?

You got a cold beer?

The cold ones
are way in the back.
It'll take me a minute.

He's... He's...
He's getting a beer?

He's getting me a beer.

He just always takes
a really long time
to do this.

Here you go.
Thank you very much.

All right, and here's
the pipe cleaners.

Yeah, okay.

How long
has that Jell-O
been in there?

A long time.

I hope you had
as much fun as I did.
And that's my final bow.


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