02x03 - Ryan's Song

[bunniefuu]

Tessa: When women in Chatswin
want to look their best,

sometimes they have to play dirty.

No Majorqua, I want
vampy not trampy.

If you paint my nails with this color,

George will think he asked
out a -minute whore.

- Mommy!?
- I'm sorry Dalia.

And Majorqua. It's just...

I've waited all lifetime for
George Altman to ask me on a date.

And I guess I'm just a little...

- Nervous.
- Why?

You've dated plenty of
men who are better looking

and sexier and beefier
and brawnier and more cut

and darker-skinned and longer hair,

and taller and richer

and more successful, and
funnier and friendlier,

who have more summer homes and foreign cars

and motorboats and yachts,
who are more well-traveled

and know more languages than him.

I know. I know. I guess
I'm just nervous, is all.

Can't a woman be nervous?

He's the one who should be nervous, mommy.

If you ask me, George Altman
landed in the tall grass.

All right, which one says,

"I can't live a moment without you.

Don't even think about asking for a raise"?

Well, if I'm not mistaken,

I believe the traditional
-week nanny gift is pearls,

but I can check my Emily Post.

This woman is amazing, George.

She is so attuned to my baby.

It's like she baked him
in her own meat oven.

Wow. That's beautiful.

You should get that
engraved on the necklace.

She's cooped up in the house all day.

She deserves a night out.

So when I saw that the Chappaqua Opera

was performing "Carmen,"
I thought finally, finally,

someone wrote an opera to take
your nanny named Carmen to.

What do you have planned for Dallas?

Oh, not much.

We'll probably just grab some dinner,

you know, maybe go for a walk.

A walk?

Look, me and Dallas are way past

the "trying to impress each other" stage.

You know, we can just relax
and enjoy each other's company.

Don't worry, Noah. I got this.

Seriously? You're not
gonna knock on something?

All right, I got the
bling. I got the tickets.

The only thing I have left...

Mm. I need a sitter for Opus.

There's gotta be a neighborhood
kid you can ask to watch him.

Mm. Have to be mature,

- trustworthy...
- Yeah. Smart, resourceful...

Ideally somebody I already know.

Okay. Whatever. I'll do it.

- What?
- No, we won't...

Look, I'm free this weekend...

not by choice, but whatever. It's cool.

Uh, w... no. I mean, that's...

I think that's very nice,
but I wasn't fishing.

I can use the extra cash.

Huh. No.

I mean, I just don't know
that you're the right fit.

What?

Do you hear this, George?

- Yeah, Tess, here's the thing...
- Really?

Babies are very demanding.
As an only child,

you don't have a ton of experience...

I excelled at my job, I
am an excellent student,

I just spent the summer
rooming with a geriatric woman.

I think...
I can handle a baby.



[ Alih Jay ] ♪ last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

x
Ryan's Song

- Easy on the hard cider, Fred.
- Easy-peasy.

You only get one.

One's all I need.
I'm a cheap date.

You rock, dad.

Ryan?

Why don't you be the boot tonight?

Lisa?

You never let me be the boot.

You never let Ryan be the boot.

I know. I just thought...

maybe it's time Ryan was the boot.

Ryan, go get your father
another hard cider.

- He only gets one.
- Just do it.

Oh, yeah.

Lisa Marie,

you can't start treating Ryan differently

now that you know he's adopted.

He's liable to suspect something.

Look, mother,
I am trying to manufacture

a feeling of closeness
between Ryan and myself

so that if he ever does find out,

we won't lose him to a better family.

I will not be left alone
with the two of you.

He will know something's up,
if you keep acting like a...

Top hat!

I guess I'll be the top hat!

- She's gonna be the top hat.
- Why not?

- Sheila in a top hat!
- Hey!

Hey, Dalia.

Hey.

Is your mother ready?

Almost.

She likes to make an entrance.

Dirty, rotten,
filthy, stinkin'!

[ Cherry Pie
by Warrant playing ]

♪ She's my cherry pie ♪

♪ cool drink of water,
such a sweet surprise ♪

♪ tastes so good,
make a grown man cry ♪

♪ sweet cherry pie, yeah ♪

Wow. Y... you look...

Wait for it.

♪ Oh!

Magical?

Uh, w... what?

I was finishing your sentence.
You said, "you look... magical?"

Oh. O... okay.

Magical.

You're too kind, George.

What's that? I'm sorry.
The music is a little loud.

Dalia.

I said you're too kind.

So... where will you be taking me tonight?

Uh, well, uh, Chef Alan recommended

this really great spot
down by the train yard.

It's got homemade charcuterie, so...

Char-whatery?

Oh, it's like...

meats.

Ew.

Meats?

Is that okay?

I guess.

Here.

I'm just worried that
I might be disappointed,

and if I'm disappointed, I
might have a hard time hiding it,

and then that might make
you feel uncomfortable,

and then you'll be wondering
what's bothering me,

when all along, it was just
on account of the meats.

What kind of a sadist designed this coat?

Careful. The lining is pony eyelash.

Pony eyelash?

Oh, no, George. I know
what you're thinking.

They're humanely collected
from the floors of stables.

Thank God.

So may I be honest, George?

I really don't want to
eat at a filthy restaurant

by a train yard.

Well, Dallas, I'm...
I'm... I'm... I'm happy

to take you anywhere you like.

Perfect.

Let's you and I get our
lobster bisque on, shall we?

After me.

Dating Dallas Royce was turning out to be

as elaborate as a production of "Carmen."

Don't you cry.

If you cry, then I'm gonna cry.

If he cries, sing him Phil Collins.

I didn't anticipate how
hard this was gonna be.

He likes "Sussudio" best.

Relax, guys.

I got this.

Even if you just say the word,

it seems to calm his
nerves for some reason.

Opus and I...

we are as cool as cucumbers.

Look at her. She's gonna be great.

Oh. I almost forgot.

The security system has been down all week.

But don't worry.
The house is so secluded,

you'd have to be a real psychopath

to hike up here to steal
anything.

I should know 'cause they
caught a guy doing it once.

He was nuts.

An incredible
collection of knives, though,

and a face tattoo that still haunts me.

Carmen, shall we?

Oh. The lights are on the timer,

so don't be surprised if you
find yourself in the dark.

Okay. Bye.

♪ There's a girl that's been on my mind ♪

♪ all the time ♪

♪ sussudio ♪

Oh!

So why are you giving
me your room again?

Well, because I love you.

Yeah, but you love your room more.

You're in here, like, all the time,

like, whenever I'm out doing
fun things with friends,

you're in here,

spending time with your room.

Well, it is the better
room, and you deserve it.

I want you to enjoy your time here.

What's that supposed to mean?

It just means you can
have whatever you want.

- Can I have your sweater?
- If you want it.

- Can I have a snake?
- I won't block it.

Can I have Tessa Altman?

Have her do what?

Everything.

I think it's pretty obvious.

She's my moose.

Your muse?

- She's my jam.
- She isn't.

She's what I want, Lisa.

So are you gonna help me get her or not?

Why is every primetime TV show
about a gruesome crime scene?

What is wrong with you, America?

Your dad probably just forgot his wallet.

And his keys to the house.

There's nothing to be afraid of, Opus.

- Hello?
- Good evening.

I'm the Hillside Electrical Strangler.

I'm looking for Mr. Wiener.

Uh, no Wiener here. Sorry.

You sure?
I got a call for help.

It came from inside this house.

You listen to me, my friend,

here are some of the many reasons

I'm not gonna let you in.

One... you don't know who lives here,

two... you're dressed like a serial k*ller,

and three... you have
a serial k*ller nickname.

My business is called

the Hillside Electrical Strangler

because I service these hills

by locating people's electrical
problems and strangling them.

You have to admit,

it's a pretty weird thing
to name your business.

The domain name cleared.

Don't worry, Opus.

We can ride out the storm in here. Uh-huh.

All of our... water

and toilet needs will be met.

No.

Don't panic just because I am.

I need you to be strong now.

You are my rock.

I think you just dropped
a few pebbles.

- Tessa.
- Lisa! Thank God.

Hey, I was just thinking about you

and Ryan and the sweet love
the two of you could make.

What?

Look, Lisa, th... this isn't a good time.

I am locked in a bathroom
with a baby in a thunderstorm.

You know who would love that story?

Ryan.

What story?

- Is it about a snake?
- Lisa!

This isn't a joke. I'm freaking
out, and I really need help.

And I can't call George, or he'll accuse me

of being an ill-equipped only child.

I wish I could help you, Tessa,

but as you know, I'm terrified of babies.

But you know who isn't?

Who?

This place has the best
bread basket in town,

and if you bring something
home for your dog,

they wrap it up like a little present,

for your dog.

Yeah. This jacket is a
freaking nightmare.

Muscle it.

Don't be afraid and do not give up.

Okay. Thank you.

George, this is my life coach Tabitha.

Hey. I'm unlicensed.

Oh, okay. T... Tabitha.

Uh, it's actually pronounced
"Tibet" and "itha."

Tibetitha.

Really?

It's a woman's name,
but, you know, I'm a guy.

It's political yet whimsical,

calls upon every one
of your preconceptions,

and then spits in their faces.

Okay. Well, uh, it's
quite a coincidence.

Not really. I invited him.

Let me get this straight.

You invited your life
coach to join us for dinner?

Lucky for you,
my evening was clear.

So this is, like, uh, mostly fish?

I...

I ran the whole way here.

Ryan, I could kiss you.

Tessa, this isn't about you.

It's about me.

Well, it started off about you,
but then it turned into me.

I have a problem, and it's
bigger than your problem

and it's scarier than your problem,

and we aren't gonna solve
it... not here, not tonight.

What's the problem?

I think I'm dying.

So the bird was frantic.

Why? Because it was stuck.

Why? Because my skylight
is very, very recessed.

So it was banging its
beak against the glass

like a total idiot.

Why? Because in order to escape,

the bird needed to fly down,

but the bird didn't know that.

George, are you mad at me?

Shh. I'm waiting to
hear what happens to the bird.

It's just... I wanted
this night to be perfect.

I think we left "perfect"
four bird stories ago.

So I got a ladder.

I understand your impulse

to want to have a side conversation,

but I hardly think you
two are ready for that yet.

Right. It's just that

I usually wait until the
relationship is falling apart

before I seek counseling.

Do all your relationships
fall apart, George?

Oh, I think he was joking, Tibetitha.

- George, weren't you joking?
- I was joking.

Correct.

Well, I, uh, I guess your timing was off,

because I didn't get the joke,
but very good instincts, Dallas.

Thank you.
So how about some bread?

I would love some.

That is a hell of a selection of bread.

Look at all that. Huh?

See what I'm doing?

I do, yeah. You're handling
every single piece of bread.

No, I'm exploring all my options.

Look before you leap, George. Mm.

So... no bread?

Oh. There's the olive roll.

See?

If you dig deep enough,

you can find exactly
what you're looking for.

Ah.

George, do you think Dallas
might be your olive roll?

All I know for sure is I'm
not eating any of that bread.

While George was plotting his escape,

Noah was glued to his seat,

because he was on a date
with the perfect woman.

Woman: - ♪ Si je t'aime, prends
garde a toi ♪ -

♪ Si tu ne m'aimes pas ♪

♪ si tu ne m'aimes pas je t'aime ♪

♪ mais si je t'aime, si je t'aime ♪

♪ prends garde ♪

♪ à toi ♪

Brava!

Brava!

I would love to believe that I'm not dying,

but I can't ignore the facts.

One... Lisa's been acting
really super-duper nice all of a sudden,

and two... I saw a movie once,

where everyone was
super-duper nice to this guy,

and then he coughed, and
then he d*ed.

Sounds like one fact and a movie.

Still, how do you explain the fact?

Maybe it's a new disease.

Maybe they'll call it Ryan's disease.

How did I not realize
I was gonna die of that?

Ryan...

Maybe they'll write a song
about me called "Ryan's song."

Maybe they can play it at my funeral.

I feel like it should be
mostly instrumental, though.

Maybe Lisa is just feeling nicer

now that she's in a
relationship with Malik.

People are nicer when they're happier.

Maybe she just wants you to be happy, too.

Look, I'm sorry.

You have great ideas and you're
not afraid to express them.

It's just... we're all gonna die,

whether it's Ryan's
disease or Tessa's disease.

Yeah. Sooner or later,

the Hillside Electrical Strangler

is gonna make a house call.

So true.

See, you and me and that
ugly baby over there...

we're all gonna die.

I don't think I really super-duper
realized that until tonight.

I'm sorry to blow your
little baby mind. I'm sorry.

Shh.

Shh. Shut up.

Shh... shut up.

Shut up.

Nice work.

Is it too late for that kiss?

You forgot to... open your mouth

and put your tongue on my tongue
and move it around and stuff.

I didn't forget.

You're not attracted to me
'cause I'm holding a baby?

I'm only attracted to you
because you're holding a baby.

So... that was...

different.

Oh, man.

I must've fallen asleep.

Ah. George, thanks for the ride.

Uh, if it hadn't started raining,

I... I would've walked, I swear.

I don't... believe you.

Well, look, uh, final thoughts...

uh, normally I wouldn't
weigh in on a relationship

until I've met with a
couple a few more times,

but, uh, in this case, it's safe to say

that this relationship,

in industry terms,

is a total freaking cluster-snuff.

I don't like to
swear in front of a patient.

But I can e-mail you the translation

if you give me your e-mail,

which I would like to have anyway.

Will get that from you.

Okay, well, I'll, uh,

I'll just find you on Facebook.

Thanks for the ride, George.

Bye-bye.

- Bye.
- Oh, puddle.

I understand your apprehension,

but a good domain name
can be hard to clear,

and for the record,

that guy strangled the
hell out of a problem

we were having with our garage door.

I'll call to reschedule.

Thank you for a wonderful
evening, Mr. Wiener.

It's my pleasure, angel.

How do you say "angel" in Spanish?

An-hel.

Amazing.

Such a rich culture.

I'll go check on the baby.

Encore!

That's one hell of an opera,
that Carmen!

Okay. What did I say?
I said $ ?

Even though I probably would've
survived the night on my own,

I was really glad that
when I called for help,

someone was there to answer.

Whoa! Hey. You're back.

Lisa, I'm not as dumb as you think.

I know something's up.

At first I thought I might be dying,

then I took a good, hard look
in the mirror and thought,

come on. I'm not dying.

Then I thought
maybe you're dying.

After all, you're pretty pale and sickly.

But, Lisa, if someone's
dying, I don't want to know about it.

Not tonight.

Because I had the most perfect
evening with Tessa Altman.

She kissed me. Tessa kissed me.

She... she... she...
she didn't open her mouth

or put her tongue on my tongue and, like,

you know, move it around,

but she kissed me, and it was incredible,

and I owe it all to you, so...

so thanks.

That's what sisters are for.

I know, dude.

You're the best sister ever, bro.

Well, that didn't work,

but at least we tried.

What? No, George Altman,
don't you dare say that.

Hey. Hey! You're gonna ruin your coat.

I don't care! I don't care about it,

or the flowers or the restaurant.

- Look, Dallas, that's sweet, but...
- No, you listen to me.

I have dated men who are
worldlier and fancier,

who have nicer cars and better clothes

and were wealthier. Heck,
they were all wealthier.

Thank you.
Thank you for that.

But every one of those men picked me.

I thought that's how it was supposed to be.

Men would ask me out, and I'd say yes,

men would ask me to marry
them, and I'd say yes.

And then along comes George Altman,

and for the first time,

I thought... there.

I want that man.

I pick him.

I know I'm doing things different.

It's because I feel so different.

I can't believe my life coach
is right about us, George.

I can't.

There.

You see that?

Your... your hair is a
mess, your makeup is running,

but this...

this is real, this is...

this is the prettiest
you've looked all night.

[ Cutty Love
by Milo Greene playing ]

It is?

Look...

the only way we're ever gonna
find out if this can work

- is if we get to be ourselves. Right?
- Right.

And that means no coaches

and no coaching from you.

♪ My dear, they are of you ♪

Okay?

Okay.

- George?
- Yeah?

If you would've dropped the
umbrella when you kissed me,

it would've been so
much more romantic.

You're very bossy.

I can change.

No, you can't.

♪ Watch the fire burn, burn, burn ♪

♪ burn, burn, burn ♪

♪ burn us both alive ♪