02x04 - Foam Finger

[bunniefuu]

After a year of false starts,

missed opportunities,
and not enough candle light,

Dallas and George's relationship,
was finally about to ignite.

I swear George, we have been laughing all night.

Except for right now.
Right now it's just weird.

Well, it's late. Maybe I should go.

Tonight has been perfect.

No, George, it hasn't been perfect,

at least, not yet.

What about Dalia?

Oh, we're not into that.

No, I meant where is Dalia?

Oh, Dalia's sleeping outside of
Versace for their annual sale,

so we've got this big old
place all to ourselves.

Really?

What could we possibly
do in a house this size,

- with so many empty bedrooms?
- Oh, I'll show you.

This has been
a long time coming, George,

and I do not intend to disappoint.

- Dallas...
- No. No. George.

Five minutes. I'm just
gonna touch up my face,

slip into something more
comfortable, retouch my face,

and get this party started, right?

Right.

Dallas, I'm falling asleep down there.

You coming back? Hello?

Hit the switch, daddy!

O... okay.

[ David Guetta ft. Akon
"Sexy Chick" ]

What's going on? Dallas?

♪ Damn, girl

Are you sure you should
be hanging like that?

♪ Damn, girl

Well, you know
how to make an entrance.

♪ Sexy chick

- Whoa!
- What are you doing?

I'm popping it so you can lock it.

I'm tooting it so you can boot it.

Why... why don't you hold off on tooting?

Are we sure this thing is safe for booting?

Hey! You want to snap a pic of me?

Uh, I don't have my phone.

Okay then.
Ready or not, here I come!

Aah! Oh. Oh!

You okay?

You want me to be okay?

- Yes.
- Well, then I am.

Oh, good.

Where you going?

Intermission. Hey. Why don't you go ahead

and pick out your favorite
flavor of spermicide?

Sperm... spermicide?

Oh.

It's totally your call,
but I like yankee pot roast.

- I had a big lunch, but thanks.
- Oh, George!

♪ He's a yankee pot roast man

Hey. I did not commit to
that... flavor. What is going on?

Come on, George. Deep down,
there's not a man alive

who doesn't want to do
it with a choir leader

while the whole gospel choir looks on.

'Fess up.

♪ 'fess up, 'fess up, 'fess up ♪

♪ pot roast man, 'fess up

- ♪ mmm okay, you know
- What? Uh, yeah, sorry.

Thank you.

You know what? The choir...

and a couple of these other things

make me a little uncomfortable.

Do you think we could just be alone?

George Altman,

you're out of your damn mind,

and I love it. Well, go figure.

Thanks, but no thanks, y'all.

Thanks.

- ♪ Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm
- Can we just sit down?

♪ Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm

♪ hmm, hmm, hmm

What is it, George?

Can we just start with a kiss?

Okay.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa!

Dallas?

Oh! That was amazing!

Holy smokes! George, you're the best!

The best I've ever had, I swear.

Whew. You Tucker me out, George.

Thank you.



[Alih Jay] ♪ last night I
had a pleasant nightmare ♪

x
Foam Finger

The good news is I got them on sale.

The bad news is I'm gonna be wearing them

when I walk out of your lives.

My dad's getting remarried, you guys,

to this super cool
stewardess on Air Singapore.

Her name's Wan'er.

Wan'er?

Wan'er is like the name Dalia over there.

All the hot b*tches have it.

Is Wan'er really pretty?

No. She's gorgeous.

She's basically a Singaporean supermodel,

and I'm gonna be maid
of honor at the wedding,

and we're gonna sell the pictures

to the Asian Internet for $ million.

Wow! Ooh!

And then I'm gonna go with
them on their honeymoon,

and there's a fairly good
chance that shortly thereafter,

I'll be named Queen of Singapore.

Wait.

So you're moving to Singapore?

Nothing's official,
but, yes, it's official.

But what about us?

You're gonna have to
find someone new to copy.

From now on, I only have one
B.F.F., and that's Wan'er.

- What do you want, nerd?
- Hey there, Dalia.

So, uh, I'm cold-calling

every single girl I've ever met in my life

because I need a beautiful assistant

for my final presentation in magic class.

My mom has shingles.

Who cares? Bye.

No, wait! No. No. No.

Look, my presentation counts
for three-fourths of my grade.

I... I need to make an object disappear.

How about I make you disappear, loser?

No, no, no, no! Wait, wait!

Ta-da.

Hey, what do the girls think
about the two of you dating?

I'll find out tonight. We're
taking them out for Chinese

and then drop the news.

I'm cautiously optimistic.

Tessa loves Dallas, you know.

The sooner the better, man.

You just gotta rip that band-aid right off.

Hey, speaking of ripping things off,

did you get Dallas naked yet?
Did you take any phone pics?

I always take phone pics.

No, I didn't take any phone pics.

You know what? I feel a little
weird talking about this,

mostly because... it was really weird.

Okay.

The whole thing lasted about three seconds,

give or take two seconds.

I'm sorry, buddy. It happens. It happens.

You gotta think about something else.

I always imagine elderly women
eating egg salad sandwiches.

It wasn't me. It was her.

I'm confused.

Yes, as... as was I.

Could she have some kind
of a medical condition?

What kind of medical condition?

Maybe it was just all
the buildup, you know,

the anticipation.

Look, do me a favor.

Next time, skip the appetizers.
Go right for the entree.

- All right?
- Right.

That's how Jill likes it.

We haven't kissed on the mouth in years.

We couldn't be happier.

Wanna see my phone pics?

Hey!

Ya! Ya!

Ya! Come on! What is wrong with you?

Why are you walking in
the middle of the street?

Dalia has a new B.F.F.

We've got no one to tell us what to do.

You need someone to tell you

not to walk in the middle of the street?

Well, yeah.

You guys, Tessa's so smart.

She told us not to walk in the street.

Will you lead us?

Uh, no.

Sorry. I just have a bunch of homework

and dinner plans, and
also, I don't want to.

Oh, my goodness!
Let's get out of here.

But how will we get home?

I can take you.

I can take all three of you.

Okay.

And then all three of them

were about to get in this molest-y van.

Lisa, they need someone,

and I would take them myself,

but I have a bunch of
homework and dinner plans,

and also, I don't want to.

Well, I did dog-sit two summers ago.

Three golden-doodles.

Glorious girls.

Mind you, that was before backup cameras.

Right.

So keep them out of the driveway?

I'll do it.

Okay.

I need all the K.K.K. in the house.

Come on! Kimantha, Kenzie, Kaitlyn.

There you go, girls!

Oh, and also, they, uh... shed.

Okay.

We have a... a little announcement to make.

No coupon tonight. Everything full price.

That's fine.

Price doesn't include gratuity.

O... okay. Why... why is
she directing this at me?

Sorry, George. Shun Ju can be a little...

You want extra pancake? You pay.

I don't even know if we're getting moo shu.

We're trying to celebrate

- our first dinner together as a couple.
- You guys are a couple?

Well, yeah, that's... that's
what we wanted to tell you kids.

No children's plate!

- With less hostility from the waitress.
- Well, this is great.

I'm really happy for you two.

Oh, Tessa, thank goodness.

I mean, you'd really have to be blind

not to see this one coming.

Right, Dalia?

Dalia? Please answer Tessa's query

as to whether you are or are not blind.

Sorry, mommy. Wan'er is
totes blowing up my phone

about dress ideas for the wedding.

Wedding? Whose wedding?

No, not... not ours.

We're not there yet.
Steven, apparently, is.

I am so glad he found someone
who doesn't speak English.

That truly was his only
chance at happiness.

O.M.G., you guys.

Wan'er is such a card.

She's making me L.O.L.

My stomach, like, literally hurts

from all the L.O.Ls Wan'er keeps dropping.

Speaking of,

I'm gonna go lay some lo mein.

Cool.

I'm so relieved. I think
she took the news real well,

if she heard it.

Normally, Dalia's not so good with change,

but she's been peaches and cream.

I knew Dalia well enough to know

that she was neither peaches nor cream,

and something told me
her story about Wan'er

was just as spotty as the
cell reception in Shun Ju.

Oh. George!
Well, this is a surprise.

That's what I was going for... surprise.

George, look at you with your sweaty hair

and me in my not-expecting-company clothes.

You should...

Mmm! Oh, my gosh, George, yes!

Oh, yes. Oh, George. Oh, here I go.

Ooh, it's happening. Whoa.

Whoa!

Whoa!

You're number one, George.

Where did that finger come from?
Dallas, I barely touched you.

That's all it takes.
That's how good you are.

You did it. You brought me there.

Whoo! Number one!

- George Altman, you are number
one!- Where are you going?

To the kitchen to get
you something to drink.

♪ Go, George, you did it

♪ who's the man? You're the man ♪

♪ you did it, George Altman, uh-huh ♪

Lisa had the K.K.K.

Eating out of the palm of her hand,

and Dalia Royce was sitting by herself?

She was newly brunette, completely alone,

and no one seemed to care but me.

The whole thing was more unnatural

than Mr. Wolfe's new
colored contact lenses.

Amethyst is my birthstone.

Cool.

If you
don't want it, who wants it?

I can't want it for you!

Do you want it? Do you want it?

I want it!

I already got it, y'all!

I got it from George Altman,

night after day after night.

Don't forget to hydrate.

I'm already hydrated, y'all.

You know who quenches
my thirst? George Altman.

Let me tell you, ladies, this
man is large and in charge.

If your legs moved as fast as your mouth...

You know who takes it real
slow until he speeds it up?

George Altman.

I mean, Wesley who?

"White men can't what"?

He does this trick whereby he...

have y'all ever been to "Zumanity"?

I have.

It was incredible.

Well, take that experience,

multiply it by , divide it by ,

raise it to the tenth power,

add inches, subtract , and add back ,

and that's what George Altman gave me.

I'm getting . But I haven't
been to "Zumanity," so...

Can it, Rhonda!

Look here.

Sealy, Simmons, and Posturepedic
gave him a standing ovation.

Y'all with me in the back?

Sealy, Simmons, and Posturepedic.

And she wasn't uncomfortable
with them watching?

Those are mattresses, Fred.

Oh.

So they did it on a mattress. Hmm.

Mental image uploaded.

Mental image deleted.

And then she gave him the finger...

the number one foam finger.

I knew it. I never thought it
was his lovemaking for a minute.

It's the goatee.

He took her to ecstasy with
the whole choir watching.

Huh. So I was wrong.

I always assumed George was selfish in bed.

Hey! There he is!

- Whoo!
- Hello, hello, hello, hello.

- What's all this?
- Oh, we've heard about your sexploits, my friend.

- My sexploits?
- Bravo, George.

Way to take care of business.

Wh... what are you guys talking about?

Well, apparently, you've been
satisfying your lady love.

Dallas has been running
around telling everybody

you are the president of pound town.

King of coitus!

The h*tler of hittin' it!

I had a good run going... you all saw...

- and then Fred "Hitlers" it?
- Sorry as soon as it came out of my mouth.

Fred, it's okay. Look, I'm
sorry to disappoint you guys,

but I barely even touched her.

I don't know, George,
I just felt your touch.

It's magnetic.

George throws off a lot of
sexual heat. He always has.

Dallas keeps acting like
this big thing is happening,

but I assure you, nothing is happening.

I don't know what's gotten into her.

George Altman has. Am I right?

There it is!

- Slap it. Do you see how he slapped that?
- Javier.

Look, I don't know what you're
complaining about, George.

I would pay Sheila money
to praise my prowess,

but I can't, because she won't
let me have an A.T.M. card.

Knock, knock.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I just noticed that you were, uh,

eating lunch alone today,

and then I heard you left school early,

and I know this may seem like
a weird question coming from me,

but... everything okay?

Totes. I just came home early

to get ready for my video chat with Wan'er.

Okay, great. It just seemed like

you were going through something, you know,

with the dark hair and...

Yeah, I wan'ered it for the wedding.

I'm gonna be maid of honor.

They don't do any cleaning. I checked.

Okay. Phew.

Guess I was just worried
about nothing then.

Could you worry about
getting out of my room?

I kinda need to take this.

Ni hao!

Hey, Wan'er. I dyed my
hair to look like your hair.

Don't you think my hair
looks like your hair, Wan'er?

I know. Me, too. I'm really
excited for the wedding.

Wan'er, no.

You're not supposed to wear
that before the wedding.

You're already married?

You eloped without me?

Okay. Bye-bye!

Well, tell daddy I say hi...

Oh, hey, Dalia.

Uh, so... so I was just in the middle

of this pretty intense
kettlebell workout here,

when I saw you were online, so I figured

I'd, you know, like, circle back around,

and just see if you
magically changed your mind.

Actually, I did change my mind.

Really?

Ow!

I want you to make me disappear.

Sweet! I'm... I'm gonna
get my foot looked at,

and then we'll do that. I'm so excited.

I mean, you know what she's doing, right?

She's committing social su1c1de.

Because she wants to do magic with Evan?

Lisa, if you look up "rock
bottom" in the dictionary,

there's a picture of Evan in a top hat.

Okay, I just... I don't understand

why you're so concerned about Dalia.

She wouldn't be worrying about you.

Look, our parents are dating
now. I feel responsible for her.

I just... I have to do something

before Evan... feels her up.

Okay, well, while you're in there,

would you please tell her
to take back the K.K.K.?

Yesterday, one of them had
an accident on my bedspread.

Voila! A student has appeared.

Uh, sorry to bother you, Mr. Jacobs,

but this is kind of
urgent. Where's Dalia Royce?

Is this the Dalia Royce you're looking for?

No. That's a Jack of clubs.

My! How did it get there?

Could you please tell
me where Dalia Royce is?

Oh, certainly. She's, uh,
right here in my pocket.

Go on. Say hello.

Whoa. Look at that.

Lots of scarves.

Amazing.

Amazing...

Or magic?

Actually, neither.

Hey, Tessa. Evan signed
out the practice room.

Bye, Mr. Jacobs.

Did I freak your mind?

I sure am loving these
surprise visits, George Altman.

Which wall are you gonna
pin me to this time?

No. No. No walls, Dallas.

We need to talk. This isn't
easy for me to bring up.

It's about our sex life.

Whoa.

Whoa.

- Whoa!
- No, Dallas.

Don't do that. At ease.

I can't help it, George.

You just get me so worked up and so forth.

I just want it so bad and so on.

Babe...

and I... I mean this in
the nicest possible way...

drop the act.

I beg your pardon.

Well, that was hardly the
reaction I was hoping for.

I mean, when I saw "Zumanity,"
the crowd went wild with...

I don't want the circus.

I just want you.

I want us.

Well, I guess there's gonna
be a learning curve then.

For both of us.

And I... I get what you're trying to do,

but honestly, I don't... I don't need you

pretending you're on a roller coaster...

or running
around town telling everyone

I'm some kind of a... sexual superman.

I just thought that's what men wanted...

to feel like they were number one.

- I thought all guys...
- I'm not all guys.

I'm George Altman.

And I think sexual partners should focus

on closeness, not costumes,

intimacy, not "Zumanity,"

and just because we're spooning
doesn't necessarily mean

we need someone playing the spoons.

I just want us to connect.

Connect. Yeah.

I'm not sure I know how to do that.

Maybe I'll show you sometime.

Ladies and gentlemen,

behold... the kissing kugel.

You'll notice one slice is missing

from this delicious tray of kosher kugel.

Don't tell me my cousin Aaron ate it.

Hold for laughter.

I will now give my beautiful assistant

a kiss on the lips

and make the kugel appear in her mouth,

which you can see is empty.

Dalia, no! The kugel is a gateway kugel.

Immobulus!

Dalia, I know you're hurting, okay?

I know that Wan'er isn't really your B.F.F.

And I know you're not
gonna be the maid of honor

- at their wedding.
- They eloped without me.

I know.

I'm sorry, but...

Evan is not the answer.

If daddy and Wan'er don't want me

and mommy's with that greasy hobo,

then maybe my place is here, with Evan.

He's a mensch.

We're probably gonna
elope ourselves one day.

Uh, no. I... I can't do that.

- My safta would have a conniption.
- What are you trying to say, Evan?

I fully expected Dalia
would trample Evan's heart.

That's the natural order.

It never occurred to me

that Evan would be the one to hurt Dalia.

Look, cookie, we had fun.
There's no denying it.

Laughs galore. That's
what I bring to the table.

But long-term, this just wouldn't work.

Why not?

Well, because you're a shiksa!

And you're a loser.

Yep, my work here was done.

I'm an amateur magician,

and I've been practicing for so long.

Okay, now, honestly,

how was it?

You know, it wasn't bad.
It was pretty decent.

Right.

Exactly right.

Pretty decent... that's
me. That's what I do.

Seriously, though. How was it?

You're number one, George!

You are number one!

You know what? I take it back.

It adds something. It really does.

There.

Now you look like yourself again.

Yeah. I feel like myself again, too.

And myself wants you to
get the "H" out of my "R."

As I got the "H" out of her
"R," I couldn't help but smile.

It was sort of nice to
have Dalia back to normal.

Baruch atah adonai

eloheinu

melech ha-olam

Asher bahar banu...