02x09 - Junior Secretary's Day

[bunniefuu]

Eek.

Ugh.

Okay, you can go ahead and rinse.

I've seen all I need to see here.

The wisdom teeth.

Those puppies need to come out.

But they don't hurt.

It's preventative.

So then wouldn't that be
like amputating your arm

so that you don't break it one day?

Who sent you here?

Give me one good reason
to pull four teeth!

Tessa, your dad asked me to assess

whether or not your wisdom
teeth needed to come out.

I'm assessing that they do. Now rinse.

Well, I don't really need
to rinse after an assessment.

You will rinse, and when
I say rinse, you rinse!

Okay, let's see.

We can get you in tomorrow morning,

on junior secretary's day.

Oh, darn. I had really big
plans for junior secretary's day.

Just because we do
sub-secretarial work

doesn't mean we're subhuman.

You'll have your day tomorrow, Greta.

Stand down.

Here's your reminder card, hon.

We will see you tomorrow.

You may see me tomorrow,
if I decide to have the surgery,

- which I haven't yet.
- Okay.

Bye, Greta.

And now, salesman of the year
for a record five years running,

the one, the only, the
k*ller in khakis...

Fred Shay! Whoo!

Fred: Whoo! Mm! Mm! Mm!

Well, g*ng, I am off to beautiful,

sunny Cranston, Rhode Island.

I don't know why they even bother

with this contest anymore.

They just end up sending
you every darn year.

Well, I'll be back Thursday.
Group hug!

Aw. Mm.

Oh, yeah. That's the stuff. Mm!

Lisa, you may want to consider
using a stronger deodorant.

Tessa: When something
is painfully boring,

people say it's "like pulling teeth."

To determine the subject of
tomorrow's in-class essay,

each pupil will have
a chance to take a spin

on the thrilling... say it with me...

wheel...

of...

topics!

Oral surgery might be
a nice alternative

to whatever in-class essay

the wheel of topics would bring.

Tessa Altman, come on down!

Not medieval armor and weapons.

Please, not medieval
armor and weapons.

- Yes.
- Oh!

Look at that!

Eleanor of Aquitaine!

"You're welcome," quoth the wheel.

Well, here's the thing, Mr. Simpkin,

I'm gonna be out of school tomorrow
due to some emergency oral surgery

I... just decided I'm having,

so Eleanor of Aquitaine...

uh, she just might have to wait.

Hmm.

- It's us.
- I see that.

We were sitting on the couch.

I remember.

Exactly as we are right now.

Well, our love of sitting on
couches has been immortalized.

I love it.

I hope I'm not rushing things,

but I was just hoping we were
at the point of joint decor.

Is that French for "no return"?

No, silly.

It just means the point where
we can start leaving things

- at each other's places.
- Ah.

Unless you don't feel like
we're ready for joint decor.

No, we absolutely are.

In fact, I have a funky old washcloth

I was hoping to leave
in your guest bath.

See, you're teasing,

but I'm trying to take all
this here to the next level.

Oh. Well, thank you, sweetheart.

I will put it
in a place of honor.

Do you
have to be somewhere?

Oh, no, sorry. I... I'm just...

I'm bracing myself for
an argument with Tessa.

She's supposed to get her
wisdom teeth out tomorrow.

But Noah says she's refusing.
She says it's unnecessary.

Initially, Dalia said the
same thing about collagen treatments,

but I got her to come around.

- Hey, Dallas.
- Hey, Tessa.

Good luck getting
your wisdom teeth out

- tomorrow, girl. I'll bring you a milkshake.
- Sounds good.

Told you she'd come around.



[Alih Jay] ♪ Last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

[font color="#cd "] x
Junior Secretary's Day[/font]

I mean,
the procedure's costly,

but you know where the real money is?

Big pharma. Mm-hmm.

The guys pushing those
habit-forming pain meds...

they get the biggest payday.

Okay, so what made you
change your mind?

Eleanor of Aquitaine.

Did you hear that?

Sounds like it's coming
from the basement.

Oh, man.

That's just great.

Well, look who it is.

Old George Altman doing the
walk of shame to his cans.

Hey, Sheila.

Is that rodent excrement?

Have you brought vermin into Chatswin?

It's... it's okay. Don't worry.

I've already set some
humane traps.

Humane traps?

Rats laugh at humane traps, George.

And the only way to
silence their laughter...

poison gas.

- Poison gas?
- Okay.

I... I won't be using poison gas.

Don't go all wobbly on me now, George.

I recently purchased
a case of rat bombs

from Australia on eBay.

Technically, they're "illegal" here,

but they can take out
a full-grown wallaby

in under seconds.

Let me go grab you one.

Thank you, Sheila, but no, thank you.

Really. I got this.

I hope so, George,

because I will be following up!

This is how the black plague started!

More or less!

The next morning,

George had a more pressing
crisis to deal with...

one that involved general anesthesia.

How's my girl?

She's great, huh?

Dad.

Oh. You came for me.

I love you.

Did anybody follow you here?

What? What is she talking about?

Dad, I'm talking about

the wisdom teeth conspiracy thing.

And I'm not even talking
about our government.

I'm talking about...

theirs.

Okay. Tessa, sweetheart,

you're drooling blood.

Is this reaction to the
medication normal?

You know, not really.

Uh, I... you know, I'm % certain

- that she's gonna be okay.
- Really? %?

That's very reassuring. Thank you.

How I come by later,
check on her. Sound good?

Hey! Oh, Greta!

How you loving those balloons, huh?

Today's your special day.

I cannot stand Greta.

I'm letting her go at
the end of the week.

Mm? Come on.

Ask yourself, George...

What is the one thing that we have

that they don't have?

Teeth... Teeth!

Have you ever seen
an alien with teeth?

Well, the alien in the
movie "Alien" had huge teeth.

No, I'm talking about real aliens.

Not Hollywood aliens. The real guys.

Right.

Get some sleep.

They're here... for our teeth.

Oh, man.

We've got a live one.

All right. Where are you?

Aah! Aah!

Fred?!

What are you doing in my basement,

dressed like the tin man?

I'm hiding out from Sheila
for a couple of days.

Okay. And what's with the getup?

Well, as you know, Sheila and
I share a psychic connection.

She's not unlike the
all-seeing eye of Sauron.

This leaden apron prevents
her from peering into my soul,

and the foil crown
scrambles my brain waves,

thus retarding Sheila's
ability to read my thoughts.

Okay, you need to get
out of my basement.

I can't!

Winning the salesman-of-the-year award

is the only thing I do
that she's proud of.

And this year you didn't win?

Oh, the shame, George, the shame.

Fred, she's your wife. She loves you.

She'll understand.

Just... just tell her the truth.

Listen to me, George.

At home, Sheila might
enjoy a nice house cat

to stroke and fondle
and feed from her hand.

But out there in the world,

she expects me to be a
lion, red of tooth and claw!

Honestly, George,
my nerves are sh*t!

All I've had to eat
today is a can of beans

and a few handfuls of gorp.

Mmm.

Please don't
tell Sheila I'm eating carob.

She thinks it's for liberals.

What's that?

This is Tessa's homework,

and your opportunity
to be alone with her.

And as you can see, I've
organized it into folders

and marked it for handy
reference with color-coded tabs.

Yeah, I... I don't
think Tessa wants me

to bring her this homework...
in the biblical sense,

ever since we made out on Christmas...

I've been
giving her some space,

and she's been taking it.

This is your chance to
sweep Tessa off her feet.

Just imagine it.

Poor, sick Tessa,

home alone, vulnerable in her bed,

and you stroll in carrying
all of this amazing homework,

and Tessa, overcome,
with trembling hands,

bestows upon you the
ultimate reward...

Touching me where the
bathing suit covers!

God! No. No!

Why were her hands trembling?

From gratefulness.

Oh. Right. Gratefulness.

Young lady,

are you sure that much
juice is a good idea?

You'll rot your teeth.

Stay away from me.

I know exactly why you're here.

Hey, look, I'm not proud
of what I'm doing.

But it's for the best. Trust me.

I don't trust you!

Just wait until my father
finds out you've landed.

He knows I've landed,

and he's given me his
blessing to be here!

What's this?

You've captured their souls?!

I won't let you get away with this!

I am already getting away with this!

So you just keep your mouth shut!

Oh, I'll keep it shut! I'll
keep it shut, all right!

You'll never get my teeth!

Oh, yes, I will!

Wait. What?

Whoa. Okay.

Did you do it, George?
Did you catch a rat?

Oh. Um...

Yep, caught him in a humane trap.

And then I k*lled him.
So he's... he's dead now.

I gotta go. I'll...
I'll see you later.

Several years ago, George,

I chaperoned a coed
overnight field trip.

In preparation for that event,

I memorized the FBI
interrogation manual.

- Naturally.
- You're flinchy, George.

- What?
- You're flinchy,

and you're displaying all
the telltale characteristics

of a liar.

You're avoiding eye
contact, you're stammering,

and you're using your grocery bags

as a physical barrier between us.

Uh, o... okay, this is crazy.
I... I'm gonna go inside now.

Okay? Bye.

Just remember, George.

If you're harboring a rat,

that makes you a rat.

Knock, knock. Dr. Werner here

for a little post-op check-in.
Oh, boy.

They've come for me. They know I know.

But I'm glad you're here to see this,

because you'll understand
the facts more than anybody.

... water fluoridation
becomes official U.S. policy.

Hmm! That sounds familiar, Tessa!

Oh, yeah. 'Cause
is also in "Area ."

Break that down further,
five plus one equals six!

Six... the number of
legs on an insect,

the number of points
on the star of David,

the number of strings
on a standard guitar,

the number of cans in a six-pack,

and the number of flags
at a theme park!

Oh, yeah!

When printed three times in a row...

It's the number...

of the beast.

I... I think it's...

time to start tapering off of these.

Uh...

Sheila knows.

Fred, she doesn't know.

But you are not
supposed to be up here.

Get back in the basement.

Meine fraulein!

Shh!

Okay, no. No, it's
meine fraulein, not yours.

Go downstairs and stay cool.

Okay.

- Hey.
- Hi, daddy.

Here's that shake I promised Tessa.

Can I come see the patient?

You know what? Now's
not really a good time.

- What? Why not?
- Well, I... I'm just a little preoccupied,

and I think Tessa may be resting,

so we'll talk later, okay?

- Well, I...
- Oh. Thanks for the milkshake.

I know I'm in your way, George.

And I'm sorry, but that
was a close call today.

I need to lay low.

Fred, I can't keep doing this.

I lied to Sheila, I
was rude to Dallas,

and I've got a kid upstairs that...

That doesn't need you
like I need you, George!

Not like I do!

What?

Oh, no.

Oh, God!

No, please, lord!

What is going on?

How could I have been so stupid?

The office thinks I'm home sick!

It's junior secretary's day!

Junior what, now?

Ahh. It's junior
secretary's day, George.

I'm a junior secretary.

I'm not the salesman of the year.

They were gonna let me go,

but I convinced them to keep me.

Junior secretary was the
only opening they had,

so I took it, George! I
took it right in the pants!

Oh. So you're a junior secretary?

Yeah, I get the coffee for
the lady who gets the coffee.

If Sheila finds out,
my marriage is over.

I'll have to live in
your basement permanently.

Which is why you have
to go across the street

and steal that basket,

so Sheila doesn't find out
about my secretarial work,

and I don't have to live underground

like a Chilean miner!

Now can I get you a coffee?

Tessa: Only in Chatswin

was junior secretary's day

an occasion that
warranted gift baskets,

balloon towers,

and limos full of... Junior
secretaries.

Women: J.S.D. , b*tches!

No!

Damn it!

- Oh. Oh.
- Hey, Ryan.

Mr. Alt-man. What up?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

I was just, um, I was just looking

for the get-well basket
that I ordered for Tessa.

And wouldn't you know it?

They delivered the darn
thing to the wrong address.

Oh, there it is.

Oh. Uh, looks like they got
the "get well" part wrong, too.

- Uh...
- Bummer.

Yeah, I was just gonna
bring Tessa her homework...

- Oh.
- As a friend.

Not as someone who's, like, hypnotized

by the play of sunlight on
her coppery hair or anything.

Right. Well, of course not.
I'm sure she'll be grateful.

That's all I want, actually,
is... is her gratefulness.

Well, I'm just gonna
pop into your house

and grab that basket,
which is mine anyway.

I'm just gonna pop over to
your house and grab nothing.

Uh, just gonna deliver these
papers to your daughter is all.

Nothing else.

Be back in minutes
for dinner, Ryan!

I just came back from my
riding lesson...

ugh, starving!

Fred must have funked
up his fleece again.

I'm not stealing.

I don't care.

I was finally off the pain K*llers

and back to my old self,

but my old self was in a lot of pain.

Fortunately, Ryan had a solution.

There.

That's what I did when I got
mouth-checked in lacrosse.

Oh, my God.

Ryan, thank you so much.

That feels so much better.

You look like a bunny.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

By the way, your socks
smell a lot better than mine.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

- I wash 'em.
- Mm.

You mouth-checked me, too, you know.

On Christmas.

Ever since you slammed
your tongue into mine,

I've been thinking about
what it meant to you,

if anything.

It meant something.

But what?

I don't know.

We tried it before.

And... we're total opposites.

That's great,

because opposites don't
push each other apart.

They... they... they...
they do the other thing.

They attract, Ryan. Opposites...
attract.

I'm super attracted to
you even right now.

I mean, your face is puffy,
and your gums are bloody,

and your lips are dry
and lusterless...

Ow.

That must mean something, right?

Don't make me smile. It hurts.

See? I make you smile even
when it hurts to smile.

Maybe that means something, too.

Ow.

Mission accomplished.

- Your secret is safe.
- Oh! Mm.

Thank you, George.

- Mm. Okay.
- Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Okay. That's enough, Fred.
You're welcome.

Ooh! Ooh, at least partake

in some delicious smokehouse almonds.

They're my favorite,
and you earned them.

I'm gonna go check on my kid.
Fair enough,

but I can't promise these'll
wait for you!

Whoa!

I'm sorry. Certainly
didn't mean to startle you.

Really? 'Cause...

kind of seems like you did.

It's just, the door was unlocked,

and as neighbors, we're
welcome to traipse

in and out of each other's
homes, aren't we, George?

I thought so.

I trust you, George.

I really do.

And I know you would
never lie to me.

Of course not.

So when you told
me you had handled

the problem in the basement,

I took you at... your... word.

Still...

I just... can't... shake...
the feeling that maybe,

just maybe...

the problem...

persists.

And if so,

then perhaps it's time to use...

the gas.

"G'die, mate"?

Sheila, no! He won't survive!

Sheila: Fred!

Fred?

That my wife you got there?

I'm gonna need her back,

'cause I took an early
flight home just to see her.

Hi.

Mm!

Well, don't you look
handsome in your riding gear?

I know one pony that needs a ride.

Well...

- get in the house.
- Mm.

Ya!

What makes a good couple
work is...

a complete mystery.

I really like him.

But we just
don't make sense on paper.

Well, I'm not sure I'm the one

to be doling out relationship
advice at the moment.

You see, I mistakenly
thought your daddy and I

had entered the joint decor stage...

Hey.

Where did you find this?

I found that discarded
like a piece of trash

in your trash.

Are you kidding?

George has been looking
everywhere for this.

What? Well, then, why,
pray tell...

would he throw it away?

It's not trash. It's joint decor.

No, he didn't throw
it away, Dallas. I did.

I... I thought it was
from outer space.

It's been a really weird day.

Oh. Oh. So this is all your fault.

That makes me
feel so much better.

At least one of us does.

Right. Look, Tessa, I
know it isn't easy,

and believe me, there's
no odder couple

than me and your dad.

But sometimes there's more to life

than what makes sense on paper.

Thanks, Dallas.

Sure thing.

And sorry I h*jacked the
earlier part of the conversation

to be about my love life.

But seriously, you think
he's super into me, right?

Ahh. It feels good to be home.

Good night, Sheila.

'Night, Fred.

Oh, and, Fred...

happy junior secretary's day.