02x10 - Chinese Chicken

[bunniefuu]

In high school,

there's practically no
limit to the number of things

you can try your hand
at. In a surprise move,

I had recently signed
up for liking Ryan Shay.

A year ago, I would've
looked over there and thought,

"what a bunch of dumb jocks."

And now I look over there and think...

"Hey, Ryan."

I think this whole adoption thing

has really helped humanize him,

you know, like when we
found out about Dave Thomas.

Suddenly his frozen dairy
dessert tasted bittersweet.

Good day, Miss Altman.

Keeping it tight, I presume?

What's wrong with you?

I didn't know if people at school

were supposed to know about us or not.

Know what?

About our love and how tender it is.

Don't be weird. I don't care.

You hear that, Chatswin?

She doesn't care!

Tessa and I aren't embarrassed

to express how tender our love is.

It's extremely tender!

Yeah!

Congratulations, Tessa.

I had no idea things

were so tender between the two of you.

No one in their wildest dreams

expected you to snag a football player.

It would be like that runner with no legs

winning the Olympics.

Thanks.

Listen, you're a football girlfriend now.

And we're going to look past
your negativity and smugness

and embrace you, because that's
what football girlfriends do.

You can shadow me till
you get the hang of it.

Don't worry. You're in good hands.

Amber's trained some

of the best football
girlfriends in the field.

You should put that on
your college application.

Why would I go to college?

I've already met my future husband.

From now on, before signing up for things,

I should remember to read the fine print.

Look at that fine print and
look at the D.P.I., George.

Just look at it!

This printer is the best thing
that's ever happened to me,

and I met Garry Shandling.

With this printer, I can finally
print people's dreams come true.

But this isn't my dream, right?

Don't be silly. You're a monarch.

See how lush and
saturated you look, George?

Even Yakult said you look saturated.

Yes. Okay. Thank you,
Dallas, this is very sweet.

- I appreciate it.
- Should we start cutting the tabs?

I have to go meet Noah.

- George?
- Huh?

What is that?

Oh. That's just some files and stuff.

They don't look like files.

They look like more of my flyers.

Yeah, that... that... that's what I said.

File-ers.

Sometimes my Southern accent comes out

from my semester in Charleston.

Honey child. Oh.



I wanted to have an open mind
about the football girlfriends.

They just made it so damn hard.

This is where we bake

the treats for the goody bags

that we give to our boyfriends on game day.

We don't do it for the thank-yous

because they don't say thank you.

We do it because it's tons of fun.

So this is where we do
our boyfriends' homework

so they can focus on practice.

So we do this for the thank-yous?

Tessa, no. There are no thank-yous.

We do this because it helps our
guys to concentrate on victory,

and over time, their victories will start

to feel like your victories.

And that's it's own reward. You'll see.

And this is the pep rally nerve center.

Wow.

Looks like...

a sweatshop.

We call it the devotion pit.

It's where we make the T-shirts, banners,

and miscellaneous sundries
that express our love,

loyalty, and allegiance.

So you girls are
basically mindless servants

struggling to uphold outdated gender roles?

Now you got it.

And the longer you serve,

the louder you cheer. You'll see.

It's Derek.

Let's go, Derek! Way to
dial that phone, baby!

Good phone answer, Joan.

Thanks.

No.

Derek may have been into it,

but some people find
relentless cheer-leading...

Stifling. You know, to... to me,

each one of those flyers might as well say,

"I judge you, George Altman.

I judge you for not
being successful enough."

Dallas is judge-y. She is.

When she met me, I was not a skylight king.

Look, if you're the skylight king,

then she's the queen.

All right, and that, my
friends, is what they all want.

They want status. They...
they want stability.

They do.

Why do you think I became a dentist?

I could've been anything.

Have you ever seen me on the uneven bars?

He's like an eagle with arms.

And two legs.

And a monkey's face. He's like a monkey.

It doesn't seem fair that they
can thrust these roles upon us.

Forcing us to build miniature
cities in our basements.

I'm building a miniature
city in my basement.

- It's actually pretty cool.
- Okay.

Forget skylights.

If you could start any business
right now, what would it be?

I'd be in the business of rocking.

Ooh! Bad boy.

I was in a dad band a few years ago.

I played the bass guitar.

Slapped her silly. Named her Rhoda.

I'm a big fan of that TV show.

Loved it. Never missed an episode.

Guys, we're dads... dads who rock.

Why is it

we are not rocking out together?

- I don't know.
- That's a good question!

Then what say ye? Dads,
shall we redefine who we are

and define who it is we want to be?

Yea, verily, shall we do something

that our partners can't control or dictate?

Shall we call our band "Sheila's Pets"?

No, Fred. No, we shall not.

That is a terrible name.

Oh.

So how are you and the
football girls getting along?

Great.

I knew you'd hit it off.

Amber's had a really interesting journey.

She always wanted to date
Renaldo, our tight end,

but she used to be fat.

Then she lost a ton of weight...

and then they hooked up.

No. Yeah, that's really interesting.

Yeah, it is interesting. It's
interesting and it's inspiring.

Really inspiring.

Yeah, she's got a great story.

Oh. Ah, that reminds me,
I'm supposed to give Renaldo

a noogie at : .

I better go. sh**t.

Bye.

Bye-bye. Bye.

So wait. Did you actually
think that girl's story

- was interesting?
- Nope.

Right. So why aren't you
being honest with Ryan?

Okay, you know how sometimes I can...

be a little negative or... smug?

- Preachy at times.
- Right.

- Soapbox-y.
- Okay, Lisa. Yep.

I'm... I'm trying not to do that.

I'm just trying to be supportive.

Interesting.

Well, I guess conformity's
a small price to pay

if you want to date a
big, beefy football player.

So what, football's a
better sport than lacrosse?

Yes, Malik.

Ignore him.

Maybe this is what it means
to be dating Ryan, right?

You know, some people's physiques

lend themselves more to lacrosse,

which... which is a lot
harder than it looks.

You are embarrassing yourself, Malik.

No, you are. Fawning over football players?

I'd like to see one of
them make a fast break

while maintaining his cradle.

Nobody knows what you're
talking about, Malik.

Do you want to go sit...

No. No. Eat your food. Don't cause a scene.

Okay, so tonight we're working

on the giant paper banner

that the team will run
through at the pep rally.

Typically, we work with
puffy pens and glitter,

but if you want to try something else...

Don't. It's best if you just stick

with the puffy pens and glitter.

Okay.

I love your enthusiasm, Tessa.

All right. You got this?

I've played my fair share of "rock band."

I'm talking four stars for "Black Hole Sun"

on "Expert," brosef.

All right, not bad.

Getting funky now.

Funky? I'm gonna funking funk
the funk out of Rhoda tonight.

Rhoda's a filthy lady.

This is pretty sweet, guys. Pretty sweet.

I have to say, it felt
good to finally tell Sheila

I found a deer tick and
had to run to urgent care.

Okay, I... I hereby
declare the first rehearsal

of Full-On Fatherly as*ault

or Fathers of Mass Destrocktion

in session!

Yo!

I see. So Sheila's Pets
isn't even on the ballot.

No, and... and since
we're talking about it,

I'm also vetoing the "Chickity
China" song from the set list.

- What?!
- Yeah, that's not the name of the song,

and no one wants to sing it.

Nobody wants to sing about Chinese chicken?

- I don't.
- N... neither of us do.

♪ Chickity China, the Chinese chicken ♪

Yes, I'm familiar with it. Still a no.

Sit down. Let's do this. Here we go.

- Is that a frog?
- What?

Are you... are you drawing
a frog on the banner?

You're not... you're not supposed to.

Oh. I...

just...

know how to draw them, so...

Yeah. I would... I would
just stick to the letters,

because if we draw pictures,

the players will stop and
look at 'em instead of...

Destroying the artwork
we spent all night making?

You seem a little bit on edge.

If you snip the tip, you can catch a buzz.

Makes the night go faster.

Yeah. I know another way to
make the night go by faster.

Know what it's called? Going home!

Tessa.

Keep your voice down.

What's that? Oh, you think

it's dumb we can't draw frogs? I agree!

I... I never... I... I never said that.

Come on! I'm sure there's
all sorts of things you girls

wish you could do, but you
can't, because you're here.

You know what's better than being here?

There's nothing better. She's drunk.

I smell alcohol on her breath.

Well, it's called...

Going home.

I didn't want to get on a
soapbox, but I am on one.

Girls, your needs are just as
important as a football player's.

Look at Stephanie here. She's hungry.

She wants to go out for a slice.

How did she know that?

And you.

What's your name?

I'm Derek's girlfriend.

What is your name, child?

I... want to say... Joan.

I bet you do.

You look like a Joan.

And what about that girl over there

with the bloody Jersey
wrapped around her hand?

Shouldn't she be seen by a doctor?

Sean says it's in my head.

It's not in your head.

You are bleeding from your hand.

She should be in urgent care,

and we should all be at home watching TV.

It is : on a Wednesday night,

and there has gotta be something good on.

I'm going home to watch it.

Who's with me?

♪ Day after day I'm more confused ♪

♪ and I look for the light
through the pouring rain ♪

♪ you know that's a game
that I hate to lose ♪

♪ and I'm feeling the strain

♪ yeah, ain't it a shame? Oh ♪

♪ give me the b*at, boys, and free my soul ♪

♪ I want to get lost
in your rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ and drift away

♪ oh

♪ give me the b*at,
boys, and free my soul ♪

♪ I want to get lost in
Fred's rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ and drift away

Oh! Drift away, Freddie!

Drift away!

Yeah!

What in blue blazes are you doing?

- Uh, Sheila...
- Your filthy noise is

polluting the entire neighborhood,

particularly the lead vocals.

You're pitchy, George, very pitchy.

But the base was good, right?

- I'm pitchy?
- Yeah.

Okay. I'd like to see you do better.

Okay.

"Barracuda." Hit it.

♪ So this ain't the end

♪ I saw you again

♪ today

♪ I had to turn my heart away

♪ smiled like the sun

♪ kisses for everyone

♪ and tales, it never fails

♪ you lying so low in the weeds ♪

♪ I bet you gonna ambush me

♪ you'd have me down, down, down ♪

♪ down on my knees

♪ now wouldn't you, barracuda?

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

So...

Sheila's Pets?

No, man.

Th... this is a dad band.

But Sheila is undeniable. You saw her.

Guys...

I have been in a lot of bands in my life...

high school punk bands, college alt bands,

I was briefly a member of Five for Fighting

before they got big... and
I have never in my life,

felt the kind of spark... I did tonight.

What are you saying?

I'm saying I think we should
let Sheila in the band.

Oh. Get a hold of yourself, man!

Guys, we could be good!

Do you understand what that
means? We could be good,

not dad-band good,
but real-band good.

Look, I joined Fathers
of Mass Destrocktion...

or I was also thinking Meinvater Band...

because...

we stood for something.

We stood for not hanging out with our wives

and taking back the night.

What about the hanging out, George?

What about the chips and dip?

Guys, I'm sorry.

I think considering I'm the lead singer

and the guitarist, and I started this band,

I gotta make the call on this one.

I have to do what's best for Sheila's pets.

Well...

then you do it alone.

My friend,

you do it alone.

Come on, Fred.

Our garage wasn't the only
place spirits were down.

And finally,

the quarterback that I
would pay a dollar for...

the one, the only,

Ryan "The Body" Shay!

Come on, Chatswin.

Where's your spirit?!

What the hell?

Where's all the football girlfriends?!

Whoo!

There is very little pep at this rally.

I might've had one of my soapbox incidents.

Yeah, I kinda liberated the
girls from their servitude

and unintentionally empowered them.

Mm. Ryan's gonna k*ll you.

Who did this?!

Huh?!

Show yourself!

It's okay. Get up, boys!

We can win still!

We can win.

While I had dashed Ryan's dreams of glory,

- George had hired some session musicians...
- Yeah!

And was making his own dreams come true...

- with Sheila.
- * I want candy

♪ hey, I want candy

Hoo!

Put some stank on it, George. Come on!

Whoo! Whoo!

All right, let's take five. Let's take five.

Sounds great, guys.

I know rocking's a
thirsty business, so I...

Oh! Oh, Sheila.

We don't take requests.

No. I just thought George's
band was a daddy-only thing.

Isn't that what you told me, daddy?

Well, you know what?
It was, uh, but then...

- The thing is, uh...
- George?

Yeah? Tell your piece to hit it.

Sorry. We have a no-Yoko policy.

Okay.

Hey.

We lost the game.

I'm sorry.

No one even got to run through
a paper banner made of paper.

I know.

That's everyone's favorite
part of football, Tessa.

That's why half of us started
playing in the first place.

I mean, how can we b*at a team
that got to run through paper

when we haven't had the advantage

of running through paper ourselves?

Is it possible you're
putting too much importance

on running through paper?

Is it possible that you're crazy?

Look, Ryan, those girls
making your banners...

they're out there pursuing
their own interests.

They're eating pizza

and becoming well-rounded people.

Their sole purpose in life

cannot be to worship their boyfriends.

You did this?

I didn't mean to dismantle
the system, but yeah, I did.

And I'm really sorry if you're upset.

I should've known you didn't really want

to fit in with my friends.

You always have to shake it up.

You always have to make

people... think.

I am a thinker, Ryan. I think.

I thought you liked that about me.

Think again, thinker.

Think again.

Dallas, let me explain, please.

There's nothing to explain.

You started your little
band with your little friends

so you could avoid doing
fun printing jobs with me.

Look, Dallas, now I... I know you
want me to be rich and powerful

and to grow my business
into some huge empire,

but part of me is unwilling
to admit that I am this...

and... and not this.

A toilet?

Oh, that was supposed
to be "Rolling Stone."

But you know what I mean.

George, I will support
you whether you want to be

the skylight king or the King of Leon.

Whoever the hell he is.

Really? Because

you were coming at me so
hard with those flyers.

It... it kind of felt like...

Like you were trying to change me.

I spent $ , on a printer, George.

$ , .

I sure as hell better use it.

Look,

sometimes when a woman
spends too much money

on something she really doesn't need,

she tries to cram it down
everyone else's throats

to justify the purchase.

Surely you can understand that.

Well, I'm sorry, Dallas.

I... I guess I was being a little defensive

because Steven was such...

An absolute skid mark on the
pristine panties of my soul?

No matter how much money that man had,

it wasn't enough to keep me.

I'm glad to hear you say that.

Hey. You know what?

Our band does need some flyers.

Now do you know anyone that has
a $ , printer who could help?

You know I do.

Okay.

What's the name of your band?

Uh...

Interception.

Funny.

Thanks.

I'm really sorry...

about yesterday.

It's possible that I
overreacted a little bit.

But you made me think.

I didn't want to, but you
made me, like you always do,

and I think...

that everyone needs to be cheered for,

not just us guys.

So... bros?

What's this?

I want you to see how good
it feels to run through paper.

I don't want to run through paper.

I did your thing. Now
you're gonna try mine.

I want you to know how good it feels

to have someone rooting for you.

Okay. Fine.

Three, two, one!

Go!

I had to admit, it was pretty exhilarating...

and... a little embarrassing.

Whoo! Crush those numbers, Tessa!

Destroy that math!

Yeah!

Are all the parks clothing-optional?

Yeah, but I haven't been able
to find any nude figurines

at that scale, so...

Okay.

Hmm.

"Chinese Chicken."

And, you,

you get to name the band whatever you want.

I don't know, George.

I think it's kind of ruined now.

Yeah. And if you love Sheila so much,

why don't you marry her?

Please don't.

Look, you have every
right to be upset with me,

but it's... it's been...

♪ One week since you looked at me ♪

♪ cocked your head to the
side and said "I'm angry" ♪

♪ Five days since you laughed at me ♪

♪ chickity China the Chinese chicken ♪

No, Fred. No. No, it's too soon.

It's never too soon.

♪ Hot like wasabi when I bust rhymes,

♪ big like leann rimes

♪ because I'm all about value ♪

♪ bert kaempfert's got the mad hits ♪

♪ you try to match wits ♪

♪ you try to hold me
but I bust through ♪

♪ gonna make a break and take a fake ♪

♪ I'd like a stinkin' achin' shake ♪

♪ I like vanilla, it's the finest ♪

of the flavors.