02x12 - Body Talk

[bunniefuu]

Since I had
started dating Ryan Shay,

I had learned a couple of things...

one... he required grams of
animal protein at every meal.

And two... his after-school schedule

- was as tight as his abs.
- No, I can't do Wednesday.

Wednesday I've got wrestling.

Okay. Thursday?

Circuit training.

Then I have modeling, jump rope club,

- nude modeling.
- Fine.

What does your Friday look like?

Mmm.

Mm! Boy band practice.

Wow.

- Seems like you got a
pretty full plate. - Yeah.

I need grams of animal protein

at every single meal.

No, I meant to say that your days

are totally and completely booked.

They're overbooked.

Well, I'm sure yours are, too.

You probably have tons of
awesome after school activities.

No, yeah, totally. I do.

Tons.

I had nothing going on

and was in danger of being pathetic.

I needed an after-school
activity of my own.

Attention, lunch eaters.

The critically criticized
Chatswin High TV network

is looking for a qualified producer

with no previous qualifications...

I have no previous qualifications.

To oversee our hard-hitting
call-in show, "Teen Talk."

I'm a teen. I love to talk.

Any interested parties
should contact me

- at their earliest...
- Hello, Tessa.

Meanwhile, George was busy
with a new hobby of his own...

indulging Dallas Royce.

Oh, my gosh, George!

You're like the Joy
Behar of cabana design.

So? What do you think? You like it?

- Like it?
- Yeah.

- I love it.
- Yeah?

Think of all the cabana
parties I can now throw.

And think of all the
cabana boys I can employ.

You know I love to
employ people, George.

Would you consider
employing a balcony?

Well, who in their right
mind wouldn't want a balcony?

That's like asking if
you want fries with that.

The answer is always, always "yes."

Paint the background...

Tessa. Welcome aboard.

Let me take you on a grand
tour of our facilities.

That's the chair.

That is a phone.

Well, I hope I can remember
where everything is.

Mr. Wolfe, Ms. Altman,

talent just called. Our
host, Evan Spaghetti,

says he's not coming in, okay?

The show goes live in five,
and we don't have a host.

What's wrong with Evan?

His pediatrician says exhaustion.

Okay, th... this is real!

It's not a drill, all right?!
Everyone, places! Go time!

What do we do now?

Well, don't look at me.

You're the new producer
of "Teen Talk."

Where would you like me to look? I...

Study Hall! I forgot about Study Hall.

It's a completely useless class.

It's like they want us
to cut it and make out.

So do you wanna?

Ryan, right now I'm in the
middle of managing a crisis.

Tessa! You're a genius.
He's absolutely perfect.

I'm sorry. I'm seeing someone already.

Um, no, he means you're perfect
to host "Teen Talk" today.

Our host called in sick.

You want me to bail you out?

- Well, when you put it
like that way... - yes!

Okay. We'll make out later!



[Alih Jay] ♪ Last night I
had a pleasant nightmare ♪

[font color="#cd "] x
Body Talk[/font]

I like cantaloupe. I do,

but... it doesn't infuse
water the way a berry will.

Taste for yourself. It didn't infuse.

- For me it did.
- It didn't.

- I taste it.
- You don't.

- Tastes like melon.
- You're a filthy liar.

Hey.

Hi.

Hey, you wanna
hear somethin' funny?

You wanna taste somethin' funny?

Melon water. Tastes like nothin'.

So I went to pull the
permits on the cabana,

and it appears that after
looking at some zoning maps,

% of your property

is on the East Chatswin
side of the border.

Isn't that funny?

Technically, you live in East
Chatswin.

What?

What the hell are you
trying to do to me, George?

Whoa, baby, it's... it's
not that big of a deal.

It's just a technicality.
Come on. Doesn't matter.

Oh.

Sort
of looking... like it matters.

So apparently, Evan
usually opens the show

with a funny anecdote.

Do you know any funny anecdotes?

Babe, I got this.

Whoa.

I mean, what do you
mean, you "got this"?

I'm just gonna talk about my body.

People love it when I
talk about my body.

Ryan, no, don't talk about your body.

People do not wanna hear
you talk about your body.

- We're on in five... four...
- They do.

Three...

I was sure he wasn't going
to talk about his body.

There's no way he was going
to talk about his body.

Hi. I'm Ryan Shay,

and I'm here to talk about my body.

Please call in with your
questions and compliments.

Lines are open.

Tessa! Look. The phones work.

I thought they were just
props.

And we've
got caller number one.

- Yes.
- Hi. Body?

Please talk to my glutes.
They're all ears.

It was official...

Dallas Royce was no longer
a citizen of Chatswin.

But it wasn't just Dallas

who would suffer the consequences.

Yakult Royce?

I'm sorry, Yakult.

Your membership has been revoked.

I get it.

No!

Come on. Come on, guys,
is this really necessary?

Wait! This is all a big mistake!

Here's your dog...

and here is your complimentary

"you're no longer one
of us" gift basket.

Please don't do this!

I am one of you! This isn't right.

Ooh, but this hand cream is amazing.

Dalia Royce.

I've been informed

that you are no longer
a Chatswin resident.

Therefore, you can no
longer attend Chatswin High.

'Kay.

Clear out your locker,

and prepare to be relocated
to East Chatswin High.

'Kay.

You may take a moment to
say good-bye to your friends.

'Kay. I'm good.

Very well.

Mr. Wolfe, is this... for
real? This is unbelievable.

Almost as unbelievable

as the overnights I
just got on "Body Talk."

"Body Talk"?

You heard me, sister.
"Teen Talk" is dead.

- What?
- That's right, Spaghetti.

Wolfie, baby, let's
talk this thing over.

You made me change my
name to "Spaghetti."

You're yesterday's news.

The ratings on "Body Talk"
were through the roof.

That is impossible.

The numbers don't lie.
The show got a ,

but a in the -to- demo.

- What are you talking about?
- What does the mean?

It means people watched it.

That's huge.

"Teen Talk" had only ever gotten a ,

and that was just me and Chef Alan.

Well, I'm happy Ryan did well.

Just keep doing what you're doing.

What?

I always knew that someday,
Ryan would be the star

of a call-in show about his body.

I just... I didn't think
you'd be the one producing it.

To be honest, I always
thought it'd be Seacrest.

Okay.

Baby?

Let's go inside.

I'm not going inside, George.

Inside that house is East Chatswin.

Okay, you're... you're being crazy.

It's still your house.

It's practically a cr*ck den.

Nope, George, nope.
I'm staying in here.

Here's got everything

an upscale, single gal
like myself needs.

I can charge my phone,

use the tan roof to get some sun,

and if I'm drinking
four different beverages,

there's four beverage holders.

Inside that house,

zero beverage holders, George. Zero.

Dallas?

This car is my home-sweet-home now.

What are you... what's going on?

Oh...

What are you doing?

Comfy cozy. Like the Four Seasons.

Okay. I... I started this mess,

and I'm gonna be the one to fix it.

I'm gonna go make some calls.

Thanks for dropping by!

Dalia was doing a little better

adjusting to her new circumstances...

thanks to a
coping mechanism known as denial.

Hi, Malik.

Hi, Tessa.

What up, b*tches?

Who the hell are you?

Who the hell are you?

Daisy.

Dalia.

This is the triple A...

Ashley, Amber, and Amantha.

What kind of name is Amantha?

It's the kind of name

that thinks you're a pale, ugly loser.

Mr. Wolfe, they're being mean to me.

She's living in my car. My car.

This has to be fixed.

You... you sure this guy can help?

- Because...
- Look, this guy

is the ultimate power
broker in Chatswin.

He controls the zoning board.

He pulls permits out
of his back pocket

like they're chewing gum.

He's the Godfather.

Marty? Steam
room Marty? He's your guy?

He's "The Godfather"?

Gentlemen.

What can I do for you?

Well, Marty, I'm... I'm
here about Dallas.

- You know Dallas?
- Know her?

Why, I consider her a
close, personal friend.

- Exactly.
- In fact,

she's my best friend.

Now I don't know if you know this,

but we fought in the w*r together.

O... okay. You and Dallas Royce?

Who the hell is that?

Yeah. Okay, Marty,
she's my girlfriend.

And it turns out that
half of her property

is in East Chatswin,

and now she's being
kicked out of the club.

Her daughter is being
thrown out of school,

Sh... uh-huh.

So you want me to go to
her house and break bread.

What?

No, I'm asking you to
rezone her property

so she can remain a
resident of Chatswin.

And why would I do that?

Uh, Marty,

I gave you an emergency root canal

and did your crown for free.

So you owe...
you... you owe me.

Everything you need

is on this disk.

Print it out, fill out the paperwork,

and then come see me...

In the steam room.

Where... where am I gonna find

a computer to open this thing up?

Who do I look like...

Al Gore?

Before we go,

I wanna take one final
call about my body.

You're on the air, caller.

Hey, yeah. It's pretty warm out.

Can you tell us how your
body does in the heat?

Yeah, that's a... that's
a very good question.

I actually get that one a lot.

And hydration is the key to hydration.

Now when I want to get hydrated,

I like to drink stuff
through my mouth.

Till next time.

Okay. You know what? This
is stupid.

This is... just stupid!

I want my name off the show.

Tessa, please...

You're
embarrassing yourself.

I'm embarrassing myself?

You're the one spending a
whole entire study hall period

talking about your body.

Hey, the only reason I even
agreed to do "Body Talk"

was for you.

I know this is your only
extracurricular activity.

I know it must
make you feel like a big loser.

A big loser?

No, no. Look, it's okay, though.

You're less popular than me,
you have less friends than I do,

and you have little to no activities.

But... I'm still super,
super into you. Like, I'm...

I do not need your pity!

Okay? I don't need your help.

I could make this show a
huge success without you.

Okay.

We both know that's not true.

Okay, you have no idea what
people find interesting,

and you told me to
open with an antidote,

whatever the hell that is.

I would literally rather
watch anything...

anything else...

than you talking about your body.

What are you trying to say?

What I'm trying to say
is you are fired.

Well, if you're trying to
say that, congratulations,

'cause you just said it to me.

Yes, I said it.

Wow!

Wow!

Let's go, boys.

Mommy, I'm home.

Back here!

How was school today?

Did you make any new friends?

No. Everyone at my new
school's tanner than me.

They act like I'm not tan
enough to be going there.

That's ridiculous.

No one should ever be judged
by how deep their tan is.

I know, right?

I just wish they could look
beyond the color of my tan

and see the content of my closet.

Because I have really nice
stuff in my closet, you know?

I know.

And that's a beautiful dream.

You know, I can't
remember the last time

we had an after-school
espresso, just the two of us.

Maybe being ostracized
by our community

and driven out of our home
was a blessing in disguise.

Yeah.

It's a good disguise, mommy.

Where's my kangaroo?

Ha ha. Marty.

It was not easy, but I found
an old library in Queens

that has a working
quadra .

I have here the documents,
all filled out,

ready for your approval, sir.

Thank... hey...

rejected?

Marty, you bastard.

What... I... I filled
out the paperwork,

just like you said.

The paperwork doesn't change the fact

that % of the property
is in East Chatswin.

Thus making it % in East Chatswin.

Why did you make him
fill out the paperwork

if you were just gonna reject it?

Protocol.

All right, you know what?
Don't come crying to me

the next time your crown cracks!

My crown is already cracked!

I had to get a partial bridge!

Ew.

Okay. That...

is a bridge too far, my friend.

That is a bridge too far!

Aah! Oh, God! Aah! Oh! Aah!

Five, four, three...

Two...

♪ do do do-do do

♪ do do, do do do-do do

welcome to "Tessa Talk."

I'm your host... Tessa.

Today we are going to be
talking about what it takes

to get an episode of
television on the air,

how to deal with talent,

manage the expectations
of the faculty,

and how to produce an
entertaining segment.

Phone lines are open.

Does anybody wanna...

talk about my body?

Sorry. Albinos can't
drink from this fountain.

You're so pale. You
look like a vampire.

Do you need a transfusion?

You should be in the
next "Twilight" movie,

'cause your skin looks
like a dead vam...

I get it. My tan's not
good enough for you guys.

It's not your tan. It's you.

We don't like you 'cause you're new.

Oh. I used to make fun
of new people, too.

Just ask Tessa.

Maybe one day you'll get transferred,

and then you'll know
what it feels like

to be the odd biyatch out.

Biyatch.

I miss my old school.

You wanted to see me?

I didn't want to see you.

The cancellation bear
wanted to see you.

In his den.

What is this?

Our ratings went down .

That means we got a .

You lost Chef Alan, and
when you've lost Chef Alan,

you've lost America.

Mr. Wolfe, I'm sorry.

But I can't dedicate myself to a show

that fixates on the most
superficial, unimportant aspect

of being a human being.

Aren't you dating Ryan now?

Kind of.

Then you should know.

What makes "Body Talk" great
isn't Ryan's great body.

He also has an amazing spirit.

I assumed that was what
you liked about him.

It is.

The best thing to wash down
a big slice of humble pie...

East Chatswin tap water.

Oh! Javier! Oh, thank goodness!

Oh, I didn't know you
worked at this club, too.

I need to file a complaint

about the water!

It's unfruited.

Actually, I don't work here, Dallas.

I... I'm a member just like you.

Javier, no.

How could you belong
to an establishment

who puts little, if any,
fruit in their water?

Truth told, I'm a tap man.

A tap man?

- Dallas. Hey.
- George! Thank God, George.

The water...

is unfruited.

Well, uh, I... I got some bad news.

Worse than unfruited?

On a scale of one to ten,
unfruited being a nine?

It's a ten. It's Marty.

He not only rejected our appeal,

but now he has a
restraining order against me.

So looks like neither one of us

is going to the Chatswin country club

anytime soon.

I see.

Hey. But hey, hey, I
will personally cut fruit

and put it in your water
every single day of the week.

And I'll join the east
Chatswin "Y," too.

We're in this together, okay?

Okay.

If I have to slum it, I guess
I'd rather slum it with you.

I'd rather slum it with you, too.

Hey, Javier.

Hola.

While Dallas made peace with the idea

of not belonging to a club

that didn't want to
have her as a member,

I realized that I already belonged

to something that meant more to me

than any after-school activity.

Welcome to a special
edition of "Body Talk."

Today I'm going to be
answering questions

on everybody's favorite subject...

Ryan Shay.

The two of us started dating recently,

so I'm practically an expert on him

and his amazing body.

The phone lines are
open for your questions.

Hey, Tessa, I
was just wondering...

what's your favorite
part of "the body's" body?

Great question, caller.

Um...

I'd have to say it's
his heart.

Yeah, his heart is even
bigger than his quads,

which, as you know, are... huge.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is an exciting
day on "Body Talk."

Please welcome the star of our show

and the guy I wanna say "sorry" to...

Ryan Shay.

I'm sorry I called you a loser.

I'm sorry I was acting like one.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

And Noah wasn't willing
to lose his best friend

to East Chatswin.

Noah, what's going on in here?

Hey, Marty!

What, you don't like my friends?

I got them all guest passes.

They love it here.

They said they're gonna
come all the time, huh?

You bastard.

How much to get my steam room back?

You can get it back cheap.

It'll just cost you one stamp.

And just like that,

the Royces were citizens
of Chatswin again.

And not a minute too soon for
Dalia.

Bye, losers.

I'm done being a loser.

Does this school validate?

My old school validates.

No? You guys all
probably take the bus.