03x10 - No, You Can’t Sit with Us

[bunniefuu]

[ Choir chanting ]

Tessa: if the women of chatswin
had a church,

it would be our lady
of perpetual beauty pageants.

and if that church had a pope,
it would be the -time

little miss chatswin
glitz grand-prix champion,

dalia royce.

Please, dalia.
She's been through so much.

She's had her ears pinned,
her stomach stapled.

All she needs now is you.

Please. Just get me across
the finish line.

Get up.

I'll coach her.
[ Sighs ]

But we're gonna have to
do something about

Her hair, shoes,
and scrawny little shoulders.

Yes! Oh, god, yes!

those pageant hopefuls

may have thought dalia
was being generous,

but she was in it
for the glory.

Get out.

unlike me, who truly
cared about chatswin's youth.

[ Sighs ]

You can't stay with me
through lunch, can you?

No,
I'm afraid I can't.

In that case,
I guess I'll take a chance

With the dweebs...

Or the axe body spray
posse.

You know what?
I think the dweebs.

watching victor navigate

the cutthroat cafeteria scene
took me back.

i could identify with victor

almost as much as I could
with that mini lena dunham...

No.

...getting iced
by the blonde squad.

Hey, alana.

What was that?

Oh, those girls
didn't want me to sit with them.

Are you kidding?

Of course they want you
to sit with them.

Okay, they...don't want you
to sit with them,

But it's because
you're smarter than them --

Way smarter,
and they can't hang.

That's not the reason.

It's because
they're all contenders

For little miss chatswin
and I'm not.

Says who?

Her.

those little b*tches.

it was dalia and her crew
all over again,

and I wasn't gonna let
alana suffer the way I had.

Alih jey: ♪ last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da

[ Dog barks ]

♪ Da, da, da, da

Dalia: okay.

Big, huge news, gents.

Sheila is occupied

The entire weekend
with beauty-pageant duties.

That means you, broseph,
and you, broses,

Are going to accompany me

On a much-earned
and much-needed mancation.

Nut-scratch !

Uh, yeah, man.

I could -- I could use
some dude time.

I don't know about you two,

But I am in dire need
of reconnecting

With that musky scent
of manhood that I lost

When sheila became
the breadwinner.

Mancation.
Let's do it.

I'm thinking go-karts.
Boom!

I was kind of
thinking springsteen show

Followed by
the dog track.

And I was kind of thinking
that you two

Could have your little sleepover
with your baby bikinis on

While this guy goes and plays
a real man's game.

Chasing bambi.

I thought that
was a suburban myth.

Oh, no. It's all too real,
brosephine baker.

W-what is chasing bambi?

Oh, it's an illegal,
-plus, outdoor laser-tag game

Where your prey
is a naked adult lady woman!

It's "call of duty"
meets chuck e. Cheese

Meets big, jiggly boobies!

Okay. You have a daughter, fred.
Get ahold of yourself.

[ Chuckles ]

Just wanted to
quickly remind you

That victor ha
needs to do minutes

Of his "reading ranger"
workbook every day

So he doesn't fall behind
at school.

[ Scoffs ]
why are you telling me?

Because you're in charge
of victor this weekend.

I'm in charge of victor?

I'm going on mancation.
You said!

[ Scoffing ] and what kind of
mancation would it be

Without your little man
in training?

Where are we going, dad?
Is it disney world?

Wherever we go,

It'll feel like disney world
if I'm with you.

Oh, victor, you are light
and you are laughter.

Let me make you a blt.

[ Sighs ]

[ Chuckles ]

Who was that guy?

sign-ups for
little miss chatswin.

and for the first time ever,
i had a horse in the race.

I don't know, tessa.

I don't feel very comfortable
about this.

That's because
those mean girls

Tried to make you feel like
you don't belong, but you do.

Tessa, what a nice surprise
to see you here.

In other words,
what are you doing here?

I am here to register a unique
and gifted friend of mine.

Oh.

Sorry.
I had a rock-hard one in there.

You know this is
a pageant, right?

In which we, the judges,
will be ranking young ladies

Based on their poise,
elegance, and talent.

And this young lady
has all of the above.

Well, of course she does.
Why wouldn't she?

We just need
your name right there.

As well as three forms
of identification.

Oh, and a current
utility bill.

Three forms of -- are you
kidding? That's discrimination.

She is years old.

Her only form of i.d.
Is a frozen yogurt club card.

I'm afraid those are the rules.
Says who?

Says me.

i should have known.

whenever anything sounded
too mean to be true,

there was always one person
responsible.

So, why don't you guys
just crawl back under

The pile of books
you crawled out from under?

They love books.

She's right.
Let's go.

No! No.

We are not
going anywhere.

Alana has just as much
of a right to be here

As any of you do,
okay?

And let me
tell you something.

Not only is she going
to enter the pageant,

But with my help,
she is going to win it.

Finger out of your nose,
I beg you.

[ Sighs ] now,
I know camping wasn't at the top

Of any of our lists.

Yeah, it wasn't even
at the bottom of my list, fred.

You know, I get paid
to babysit babies, all right?

$ . An hour.

I'm sorry.

This was the only thing
I could come up with

That was both manly
and child-friendly.

Let's just make the best of it,
shall we?

Oh, now let's just see if my old
scout-leader survival skills

Don't come flooding back to me.
You were a scout leader?

Well, they used to
call me the firemaker.

You want to know why?

It's a pretty self-explanatory
nickname, fred.

Build the fire.

Wow, fred.
Look at you go.

That's pretty impressive.
That takes a lot of stamina.

Oh, I cannot feel my arms!
I'm hyperventilating.

I can't breathe, and my body
temperature is dropping.

We're gonna die.
[ Sobs ]

Are you sure someone
actually trusted you

To lead
a troop of scouts?

[ Coughing ]

Well, truth be told, i, uh --
I didn't serve that long.

They -- they kicked me out after
three weeks for "seeming gay."

[ Sighs ]

Okay, we have a lot to do
in a very short period of time.

So I say
we play to your strengths

And focus on what
really matters -- your talent.

Do you have any special skills
that we can showcase?

I'm lactose tolerant --
only one in my family.

Okay. There's that.
There's that. We have something.

But is there anything else
you are especially good at?

You know what?

Let's tackle
the interview portion first

And bone up
on some current events.

Do you like to read
the newspaper?

News comes on paper?

Yes.

Alana didn't outwardly exhibit
little miss chatswin qualities,

but that was what
i liked about her.

she was the anti-dalia,
unlike...

while they bronzed and bathed
in chemicals...

Don't breathe.
That stuff is really toxic.

[ Sighs ]
...we smiled wholesomely.

Perfect.

Perfect.

while they injected
their faces...

♪ a centerfold, miracle,
lyrical ♪
...we projected our voices.

♪ You saved my life again,
and I want you know, baby ♪

[ Music stops ]

Okay, that sucked.

Let's try it again
with a lot more reverb

And auto-tune
and robot sounds

And someone else's voice
coming out of your mouth.

Oh, prepare for
a melty taste expl*si*n.

These are just like s'mores,
only better.

How better?

Well, instead of chocolate,
I used craisins.

Craisins aren't melty.
What's the melty part?

I substituted wholesome pita
for the graham cr*cker.

And instead of marshmallow,

I used nutritious
soft-boiled egg.

Why? Why would you do that
to s'mores?

Well, uh, sheila doesn't
like me having sweets, so...

But, uh, look.
Close your eyes and, you'll --

You'll never
know the difference.

[ Chuckles ]

Mm.

Hmm. This is inedible.
I'm leaving.

Mm. Come on, noah.

Trips like this are what
childhood memories are made of.

Yeah, where is
the kid anyway?

Yeah,
he has been awfully quiet.

Victor?

Victor!

Oh, my god.
I lost victor.

I'm a dead man.

fred wasn't the only one

who'd lost sight
of something important.

Have you seen

How much weight little
avery sillstrop has put on?

Ooh, not so little anymore,
I'm afraid.

[ Both laugh ]

My guess is this year
she'll be juggling her chins

Instead of her pins.
Oh.

[ Laughing ]

I said "chins"
instead of "pins."

[ Both laugh ]

No, I heard you.
It was terribly clever --

What, with the words
that rhyme and all.

It's just -- is it me,

Or have y'all gotten meaner
than you used to be?

It's you.
We've always been mean.

Every year.
Yeah.

It's our tradition.
Right.

It's just,
do we have to be so judge-y?

Well, I am,
in fact, a judge.

[ Chuckles ]
yep. She has to be.

[ Both laughing ]

Victor! Victor!
Hey, buddy!

Buddy, can you hear us?!
Victor!

Victor!

Well, I'm calling it.
What?

What is wrong with you?

I'm just saying that we have
pretty much looked everywhere.

Okay, we are not calling it.
We're never calling it.

My son
is missing in the woods.

Come on.
He's just a rental, right?

He is a foster child,
not a rental.

Okay.

And he is just as much my son
as if he sprung from my loins!

Okay, buddy.

And we will not stop looking,
even if it kills us.

Because if it doesn't,
sheila will.

Oh, god. I'm lightheaded.
I think it's dehydration.

It is.
Dehydration has set in.

Okay, I need water.
Where's a water source?

Where -- oh!

This foul trickle
will have to suffice.

[ Gasping ]

I have a full gatorade
right here.

meanwhile, the pageant girls
were quenching their thirst

from another
questionable source.

Tessa: um, what's that?
It's go-go juice.

Oh, you don't know about that?
Everyone does it.

Gives them their
pluck and sparkle.

You need some?

No. No.
We don't need some.

Alana has plenty of natural
pluck and sparkle.

[ Chuckles ]
does she, though?

Come on, kid. Get up.
We got to practice your song.

Do we have to?

Yes, we have to.

Just trust me.

After all the work
you and I did,

Everybody is gonna be
blown away.

Nadia:
♪ you are beautiful

♪ Like a dream come alive,
incredible ♪
and face, ha, and flick!

Keep it going.
Present.

♪ A centerfold,
miracle, lyrical ♪
pray. Face.

Take the floor. Down.

♪ You save my life again
oh, shniz.
She's singing my song.

What a coinkydink.

♪ And I want you
to know, baby ♪
that's no coinkydink.

Excuse me.
♪ i, I love you
like a love song, baby ♪

I can't believe you.

You spied on us?

Why would I spy
on you?

That would mean I'd have to
look at you up close,

And you're bad enough
from afar, far away.

You just expect me
to believe

That you happened
to pick the same song?

I know it might be hard
for you to understand

Because of
how unpopular you are,

But that song
was super popular.

Now, if you'll excuse us,
sergei's on the clock.

We're so psyched to have him
since gaga broke her hip.

Two, three, and...

♪ I, I love you
like a love song, baby ♪
tessa: watching dalia's protogé
practice,

i realized alana
didn't have a chance.

for us to have a sh*t,
i'd have to play dirty.

after a long,
cold night of searching,

fred and george were no closer
to finding victor.

Victor, is that you?

That is a tree, fred.
You're hallucinating.

You really should not
have drunk that water.

Oh, god.
Oh, god! Excuse me.

I have to go again.
Okay.

Where have you been?!

I've been looking for carlos --
hector -- what's his name?

It's victor.

Oh, thank god.
You found him?

Fred, no, we didn't find him.
Pull up your pants.

Where did you
get that shawl?

I had it with me...
The whole time.

You are a liar.

You are a lying...liar
with lo mein on your shawl.

Okay. Okay.

I-i-i might have taken
a short trip into town

For a little panda.

But, guys,
you should understand

That when
my blood sugar plummets,

I am no good to anybody.

We're starving out here!

Not even some
cream cheese rangoon?

A freaking egg roll?

No, I didn't...

I should choke you out
with this thing.
No. Stop it! [ Choking ]

Victor: gentlemen, no!

Victor, my boy!
You're alive! You're alive!

And I see you've fashioned
a makeshift nest.

It was nothing.

Mother nature always provides,

Unlike my birth mother,
who provided very little.

Here, dad. Eat this.

Well, buddy,
you must have done

A lot of camping
in your native land.

We did sleep outside a lot,
but we just called it hiding.

Victor, that herb you gave me
is really settling my stomach.

It's also good
for increasing sexual stamina.

[ Chuckles ]
what can't you do, young man?

Well, I couldn't make you guys
be happier on this trip with me.

I don't fit in at school.

I don't fit in
with you and your friends.

I guess
I don't fit in anywhere.

Maybe I should just stay
in the wild.

Oh, victor.
Come here.

It's your choice,
buddy.

victor had survived
in the woods,

but to survive this pageant,
i would have to be strategic.

Dallas.
[ Inhales deeply ]

How are you holding up?

I don't know.

Did you ever enjoy something
and then suddenly one day,

It just doesn't sit right
with you anymore?

Like garlic.

I used to take down cloves
of the stuff, and now --

It repeats on you.

Then it's just unpleasant.

I hear you.

You know what's not
sitting right with me?

Hmm?

Go-go juice.

Are you aware that these women
are putting liquid speed

In their children's
sippy cups?

Yeah, but it sure does

Give them a little extra pep
in the step, doesn't it?

I guess, but it could also
give them

Little pint-sized
heart att*cks.

I checked
the pageant bylaws,

And performance enhancers
are expressly forbidden.

Now, maybe the reason

The pageant isn't
sitting right with you

Is because of
how corrupt it's become

When you are such a moral
and otherwise ethical person.

You know what?

I amboth of those things
you just stated.

i had convinced dallas

to ban performance enhancers
from the competition.

Hand it over, sweetie.
We're playing clean here.

with any luck, the playing
field had been leveled.

Announcer:
put your hands together

For last year's runner-up,
nadia nergen!

[ Applause ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

♪ it's been said and done ♪

♪ every beautiful thought's
been already sung ♪

♪ and I guess right now
here's another one ♪

♪ so your melody ♪

Nina: wake up and dance,
sweetheart.

Get up there
and poke her.

Poke her harder!

Tessa: turned out
that without go-go juice...

Your daughter
is ruining my show.

...little miss chatswin
was kind of a snooze.

All right. Alana,
this pageant is yours to lose.

All you have to do
is get through the new material.

I wrote some stuff
for you, okay?

Just a couple
of knock-knocks

And a pretty cool "what's
the deal with popsicles?" Riff.

And I thought that you could
hit them with that impression

Of your dog eating
the peanut butter.

Don't worry. You are gonna
have them in stitches.

Although half of them
are already in stitches

Thanks to all the plastic
surgery they've had.

[ Both laugh ]

Seriously,
there is more botulism

In that audience
than a prison cafeteria.

Oh, yeah.

And no big words
because their collective iq

Is in the double digits.

I'm being kind.

Those are good ones.
I'm gonna use those.

No, no.
Don't use those.

Okay.

What's the deal
with these pageants?

[ Laughter ]

Look at dallas royce here.

Is she smiling,

Or is her face pulled so tight
that she doesn't have a choice?

[ Laughter ]

Stick to the script,
kid.

She's got more botulism
in her face

Than a prison cafeteria.

[ Laughter ]

This girl knows
what I'm talking about.

i set out to protect alana
from bullies,

but instead I had
turned her into one.

[ Dance music plays ]

[ Camera shutters clicking ]

Lick my glitter dust, losers.

Guys, honestly, that wasn't
supposed to be part of the act.

She went rogue up there.

Really?
Tessa, I'll have you know

I may be a moral
and ethical person.

But I'm not an idiot.
You played me.

And for the record,
god made this.

May have had some help
with these

And that right there
is just hard work at the gym.

And a butt implant.

What?

i had jeopardized
my friendship with dallas

and stooped to dalia's level.

You know, tessa, you may have
tricked everyone else

Into thinking you were
helping alana

To actually
make a difference,

But I know you were
just doing it to hurt me.

And what hurts
the most is,

You ruined
my perfect track record.

So, congratulations.

Oh, my gosh. Dalia's about to
lay her first tear.

Somebody grab me
a mason jar quick!

Do you have an ?

Go fish.

[ Groans ]

Damn it!
He's too good.

It's like he knows
what cards we need

Before we do and then
intentionally doesn't have them.

Uncle noah,
do you have a queen?

You know I do.

Bastard.

That's it.
[ Groans ]

Victor,
you are aptly named.

What?

Whether the goal is a mancation
or a sparkling trophy,

it's not worth it if it means
people get hurt along the way.

[ Tapping ]
excuse me, everyone.

Um, there is still an award
that hasn't been given out.

What's she talking about?
Cutest non-white?

We're not allowed
to do that anymore.

Ladies
and a few gay gentlemen,

For everything
that they have contributed

To the pageanting arts,

Please join me
in presenting the first annual

"Tessa altman is a big,
fat jerk" award

To the mother-and-daughter
duo, dallas and dalia royce!

[ Applause ]

♪ Here they come

[ Humming ]

♪ Tan and skinny

♪ B-- hair and teeth

♪ Nah, nah, nah,
blah ♪

♪ They did it

Oh! Oh, my goodness.

I don't know what to say.
It's so unexpected.

Dalia?

I'd like to thank
my lord and savior.

[ Applause ]