06x16 - Everyone Comes to Jackie's

[bunniefuu]

Is Darlene here yet?

You don't see her
washing my feet
with her hair, do you?

God, mom, I really hope
you're not gonna be
too hard on her.

You know I am more
than fair, Becky.

Now, uh...Can you
think of a punishment

That starts with "x"?

She lived with her boyfriend

'cause she was
in love with him.

Think back to when
you were young.

You know, Becky,
if you're feeling left out,

Mommy has enough anger
for all her children.

Excavate garden.

There's a punishment
that begins with "x."

Yard work.

Zoo with D.J.

I'm done.

What do you think
dad's gonna do

When he sees her?

Oh, Becky, your father
is a reasonable man.

I figure
he'll sit with her

And have
a nice long talk.

Of course,
she won't listen,

What with being dead
and all.

I have had it,
Roseanne.

I can't keep
hiding David
at my house.

I mean, it's been,
like, a week.

I can't take care
of him anymore.

Luckily, those maternal
instincts are kicking in

In the nick of time.

Have you told Dan
about David yet?

Yes.

Really?

What did he say?

Oh. Oh, you mean
the truth? No.

It's starting to get
very uncomfortable.

Last night, he thought
I tried to seduce him.

Well,
it was kind of funny.

I just gave him a hug

'cause he said
something sweet,

And boom, now he
thinks I want him.

That is so funny.
I know.

I got to go talk to Mark.

Anyway, david's acting
really weird now.

He hasn't showered
in three days

'cause he's afraid
i'll walk in on him.

[Darlene]
hello.

Well, hello, Darlene!

Gosh, it's just so wonderful
to have you home,

Especially when you're in
really, really big trouble.

I'm home. Now what?

Oh, gee, let's see.

It has been so long
since I punished you,

I wonder if I even
remember how.

You're grounded.

There! Yeah, it's just
like riding a bike.

You can't ground me.

I don't even
live here anymore.

The only reason
I came home

Is because you said
we could talk to dad
about David.

You know, he's,
like, really unhappy.

David is just fine.
Don't worry about him.

He's just a little shook

Because aunt Jackie
put the moves on him.

I did not.

Who'd want to sleep
with some big old fat lady?

David's
got to come back here.

If you won't talk to dad,
i'll do it.

I don't think this would
be the right time

With the mood
your dad's in.

Let's face it:

You need my help.

Ha.

Oh, you are twisted.

Do you think I take joy
in punishing my children?

Yes, I do.

See, Jackie? You must
always let the child

Know why
they're being punished.

[door slams]

[Dan]
damn snow plow blocked
the driveway again!

Oh, god.

Don't worry.

We won't let you live
hooked up to machines.

Did you see
that son of--

Hi, dad.

Hey, sport.

Great to see ya.

Yeah, you, too.

What do you say
we go get a sundae?

Really?

Oh, okay.
Great.

Here you go.

Uh, Dan.

What the hell
were you doing there?

Don't you know
what's been going on

For the last
three months?

We don't get to see her
very often.

She's still
one of our kids.

I know that, but you are
being really nice to her

Like she's
a total stranger.

She's
never gonna come home

If every time she does
it's miserable.

Why not? I do!

[theme]

Come on in, Darlene.

I'll put the game on.

Okay, i'll be there
in a sec, daddy.

We went sledding.

Well, it's great
that you're home.

Now you can do
the dishes.

Oh, wait.
I think there's
even a few more.

Dad, mom wants me
to do the dishes.

Don't be silly!
Come watch the game!

Hey, you.

Get over here
and do the dishes.

[announcer on tv]
...Takes it all the way
along the base line--

What? What is it?

Nothing. It's just...

Have you been
working out lately?

Nah.

Well, not in a program.

Well, you're looking
pretty buff there, dad.

Ah, quit it.

[tv volume lowers]

So how's life?

Well, school is okay.

Good.

You know, i'm kind of
lonely since David left.

I mean,
which is really weird

'cause I hated
having him there.

Too bad.

I talked to him--
I mean, in Michigan.

H-he's not too happy.

He's really sorry,
you know?

We're both really sorry
that we lied to you.

Well, it's over.
It's time to move on.

Dad, can David move
back in the house?

No.

You can't let him
live with his mom.

I said no, Darlene.
The boy's done
enough damage.

And I don't care
how horrible
his mother is.

He's not an infant!

But, dad--

The boy's not coming
back to this house,

And that's final!

Okay. I need you.

I'm sorry.
What was that?

I didn't quite hear
what you just said.

Uh...

I-i'm a horrible,
ungrateful daughter.

You're all-powerful
and all-knowing,

And i'm nothing
but dirt at your feet.

Please, oh, please
have mercy on me...

O great one.

Well, I know, David,
but I can't sneak out

Until everybody
goes to sleep.

Hey, you're not supposed
to be on the phone!

You're grounded!

It's nobody, David.

It's just that little
kid we're growing

In case one of us
needs an organ.

You're talking to David.

Man, are you in trouble.

Uh, yeah, I got to go.

I got to use the phone cord
for something else.

Here, I found these
in my room.

It's gonna take some
pretty good scrubbing

To get
all the cheese off.

Yeah, it's gonna take
some pretty good scrubbing

To get all your skin off,

But, uh, I got time.

You can't
do anything to me,

'cause you're
in too much trouble.

Hey, d.J.,
how would you like

A second plate
in your head?

Hey.

Hey. Dad, you're up.

Yeah. What are you doing?

Oh, I was just
getting my jacket

Because, uh,
the basement's cold.

You don't
have to do that.

I'll just
turn the heat up.

Oh, right, of course.

Yeah.

Yeah, I keep it down

Because it enhances
the youthfulness
of one's complexion.

Plus
it keeps my beer cold.

All right,
well, thanks.

Then I guess
i'll turn in.

Listen, Darlene, i'm sorry
I yelled at you earlier.

I know the whole thing
with David wasn't your fault.

Yeah, okay.

As far as i'm concerned,

The whole matter's
behind us.

It's as if the whole thing
never existed.

Yeah, right.
Tell that to my baby.

Darlene.

Good night, dad.

[knocking]

I've been waiting
in the park for hours.

Get your coat.
Meet me out front.

I can't
get past my dad.

There's an F Troop
marathon on.

Well, I can't come in

'cause your mom said
I wasn't allowed in the house.

Oh, that's right.

We're not supposed
to be speaking, either.

See ya.

All right, all right.

I'll come in.

Hey.

Hey.

Things sure are
a mess, huh?

Well, you give a decorator
complete control, and...

I meant us.

Yeah. I know.

I miss this room.

I miss you.

I still love you, Darlene.

Yeah. Me, too.

[sigh]

So what'll we do?

I don't know.

Hey, Darlene,
I brought you an ex--

Mr. Connor, i'm sorry.

Shut up. Shut up!

Dad--

What's the matter, boy?

Can't keep your pants on?

Dad, stop it.
I made him--

I'm not talking
to you, Darlene!

Yeah. I can fight
my own battles.

David, just go
back to jackie's.

All right.
Jackie's?

I thought he was
staying with his mother.

Later,
Mrs. Connor.

What the hell's
going on?

Yeah, what the hell
is going on?

You told me
you sent David away,

And this whole time, he's
been staying at your sister's.

Uh...

Well, yeah,
I did send him away.

Uh, but, you know,
then Jackie got involved,

And, uh...

Dan, didn't we say we would
never raise our voices

In front of the kids?

After everything
that boy's done,

You've been
helping him out?

No, I haven't been
helping him out.

I don't know.
I don't know.

I'm sorry, Dan.
I don't know.

I'm--i'm just soft.

Oh, I can't handle this.
I'm out of here.

No, you're
not going anyplace.
You're grounded.

Okay, wait a minute.

Now, i'm grounded
for lying to you guys

About living
with David, right?

Right.

Just like you lied to dad

And said that you
didn't know

That I was living
with him in Chicago,

Even though you did, right?

Excuse me?

Oh, you are in
so much trouble now.

Uh, the--ratting out
your own mother--

There's just, like--

There's just nothing
lower than that.

I mean,
am I right, Dan?

Is that, like--

Ratting out your mom,

That's got to be
the worst, right?

I'm going
to jackie's.

What are we gonna
do with her?

You mean you knew
the whole time?

No! I didn't--
no, I didn't know
the whole time, no.

No, of course I--

You know,
just for, like--

Okay, the--you know,
uh, like, the last
couple of days,

When I went up there,
you know, uh,

And
I dragged David home,

And I put an end to it
all by myself.

I handled it
all by myself, Dan,

Because I just didn't
want to get you upset.

I took all that stress
on myself,

And--and, uh--of course,
now that you're on board,

I--i'm feeling a lot
of relief, Dan.

Dan?

[knocking]

Oh, well...

Well, isn't this nice?

What a great aunt you are,

Making them
just so comfortable.

Why don't you tack up
the bathroom mirror
on the ceiling?

Because, mom,

Then when we do it
in the bathroom,

We won't be able to watch.

Darlene, you're not helping.

Darlene, you take
your butt home right now.

I'm not going
back to that house

Just so you can
t*rture me.

Wrong. That is
exactly why you're
going back there.

You're in big trouble,

And your punishment
is not gonna be

Sex
with your boyfriend

Well, obviously,

You've never had sex
with my boyfriend.

You know, it's a good thing

I'm not living
with my abusive mother.

Well, that's better.

Now it's just us three girls.

I will be in the kitchen

Making sure that David
doesn't disturb us.

Mom, I don't need you
to punish me.

Huh.

Yes, you do.

I'm your mother,
and it's my job

To correct you
when you make a mistake.

But I know living
with David was a mistake.

It was miserable.

No punishment
you could give me

Could make me
feel any worse.

Oh, so it'll
be a challenge.

You don't get it.
I learned my lesson.

David and I were not
ready to live together.

You know?
I know that now,

And I learned it on my own.

Wasn't that just great?

I'm so proud of you,
Darlene.

And lesson number
is what?

Uh...

Always share?

No.

It's you don't treat
your mother like crap.

You know, you lied
to me constantly

For three months,
okay?

It's gonna
take a lot of work

Before you and me
are square again.

All right, fine.
I'll do the dishes.
I'll clean the house.

I'll
do the whole alphabet.

But i'm not going home

While dad is acting
like a psychopathic
lunatic.

Oh, Darlene, your father
is a reasonable man.

You just
give him enough time,

And he'll get over it.

So, uh...

You want to watch
a movie on tv
or something?

I got to k*ll
a couple of hours

Before
I can go back.

Hey, Dan?
Ready to go?

Just a minute.

Whoa.

Looks like somebody's
been riding the couch.

Hey, this was my choice,
so it's not embarrassing.

Dan, this is between you
and Roseanne, okay?

I don't
want to get involved.

Hey, pal,
you're already involved.

You got her sister
pregnant,

And if I was you,
i'd sue for custody now,

'cause by the time
the kid's ,

You won't have any claim
on him at all.

A custody suit?

Damn women. Who the hell
do they think they are?

We're sugar and spice
and everything nice,

So bite me.

Hey, Roseanne.

Why, hello, Fred.

I think
I shall be the one

Taking Dan
to work today.

I think Fred should.

Dan, i'm sorry,
but I got to agree
with Roseanne here.

[whispering]
with you, buddy.

On second thought...

I might just like
to walk to work today.

Oh, you don't even like
to walk to the car.

Do you have any idea

How this discussion
is supposed to begin?

You're supposed to apologize.
You lied to me.

Well, it's not like
I feel good about it.

I mean, you found out.

The whole thing
would have never happened

If you hadn't have brought
David into this house.

What the hell
were you thinking?

I wanted him to live here.
I still do.

Why?

Well, maybe because I still
think he's a good kid.

Gee, you know? He's handy
to have around the house.

You never know if i'm
gonna need something
on the low shelf.

What is with you?
Why are you taking
david's side?

Well, somebody has to.

God, Dan, you're
blaming the whole thing
in chicago on David.

Well, Darlene was there,
too, you know.

It's not
like David forced her
to hide him out there.

All I know is
before David came along,

Darlene
was not the kind of kid

Who would move in with
her teenage boyfriend.

Before David came around,
Darlene was .

You know what I mean.

The teenage boy, they can
be very persuasive.

Have you met
Darlene at all?

You seen the control
she has over David?

I mean, David isn't
even his real name.

She just made that up.

Roseanne, you've been
saying it for years.

I'm finally
gonna agree with you.

Men are pigs.

I mean, you were every bit
as bull-headed as Darlene was.

I managed to persuade you.

Right.

You remember
our second date?

You were upset because
you had this big fight
with your mom.

I wasn't thinking
about your feelings.

I was thinking you were
ripe for the picking.

Show a little charm,
pour a few drinks down her.

Boom! We're
at the blue rooster motel:

Cock-a-doodle-doo.

My mom was in indiana.
There was no fight.

I just
set the whole thing up

So that you would be able
to take advantage of me

In my time of need.

So you've been lying to me
from the beginning.

Face it, Dan,
I seduced you,

And Darlene
may very well have
seduced David, okay?

So you can't
keep blaming David
for this whole thing.

Darlene had sex because
she wanted to have sex.

I got to go to work.

The fact that I had
my nightgown in my purse

Should have
tipped you off.

[knocking]

[Dan]
hey, it's me!

Hi. I didn't
hear your car.

[panting]
rode d.J.'s bike.

May have to take it
to the shop tomorrow.

What can I do for you?

No. Now, I shouldn't
have to leave.

This is my house.

And since this is my house,

I should offer you
some coffee,

Which I will make
in the kitchen,

Which is still in my house,
so i'm not really leaving.

Mom send you to get me?

I didn't
come to get you.

I came to get David.

Really?
Yeah.

Wait, so you're,
like, cool with this?

No. I just don't blame David
for everything anymore.

You don't have the right
to be mad at me
for having sex.

Did you expect me
to be a virgin
for the rest of my life?

No. I expected you
to be a nice kid.

I'm not a kid anymore.

I know that.

I don't like it,
but I know it.

I also know you lied
to me and your mother

For the last three months.

I had to. You guys
would have freaked out.

I had a good reason
for everything
that I did.

That's great.
You had your reasons.

I just don't know

If things between me and you
will ever be the same.

Well, why not?

I mean, Becky ran off
and eloped with Mark.

You let her
off the hook.

Maybe I expected
more out of you.

Hey, David.

Okay. Yeah. Hi.

Do you want
to come home with me?

For what?

It's okay, David.

He's offering
to take you back.

Really?

Thank you,
Mr. Connor.

I'm gonna go get my stuff.

David,

I'm glad
you're coming back.

But no more lying.

Okay.

Look, Mr. Connor,
there's something
I want to say to you.

Something
that you should know.

I really
love your daughter,

And you should realize
that...

When she and I...

When we...When we're
having our...

Tenderness--

David, stop.
Thank you.

Darlene,
I got you an extra--

Mr. Connor, i'm--
shut up.

Just shut up.
Dad--

What's the matter
with you, boy? Huh?

Can't you keep
your pants on?

Dad,
I made him come in.

[off-camera laughter]

Darlene, i'm not
talking to you.

I can fight
my own battles.

David, just go
back to jackie's.

All right.

Jackie's?

I thought he was
staying with his mom.

That method acting
will get you in trouble.