06x17 - Don't Make Room for Daddy

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my god.
What are these for?

Oh, they just hook
them up and try to figure out

Which one of your nipples
is negative and which one
is positive.

Okay, how we doing?

Okay. Good, I hope.

Well, we'll take
your first baby picture,

If you just lay back here
and lift up your blouse for me.

Wow, just like
your prom picture.

Oh, it tickles.

It's gonna burn
like hell in a minute.

Just kidding.

Ew, look at your belly button.
Ew, it's so weird.

What happened?
It's all...

Would you like to see
a picture of your baby,
miss harris?

My baby?

Oh, it's beautiful.
Isn't it?

[Roseanne] looks just like you.
[Jackie] it's waving at me.

I've had three of these, Jackie.
It's not waving at you.

It's waving at me.

It is beautiful.
Look at the little feet!

And the spine,
and what's on its head?
Looks like it's...

Looks like it's
wearing a little cap.

Oh, that's what happened
to the condom.

[man, on tv]

Give me the remote.

I'm not watching this.

This is a commercial. You don't
even know what i'm watching.

I know it's
something i'll hate.

Not necessarily.

What is it?

Figure skating.

Come on. It's the finals.

You know, big brothers
are supposed to look out
for their kid brothers.

And, like, help them
and do stuff with them.

Well, i'd have
done stuff with you,

But you don't like
to do guy stuff.

I like to do guy stuff.

Who says drawing
isn't something guys do?

Guys.

I'm just as much
of a man as you are.

Then how come the only friend
you ever had was a girl?

You.
See?

'cause you can't b*at me up
like Becky and Darlene can.

Hey, that's the last one.

Want it back?

No, it's okay.

Are those the x-ray pictures
of aunt Jackie's baby?

No, they're pictures of your
dad. He swallowed a doll.

I don't know why
all my friends think
you're the fun mom.

Get out of my way!

D.J., i'm sorry, it's just that

I'm pregnant right now
and i'm very upset--

What am I talking to you for?
Get out of my way!

Look at that, right now!

Jackie, I know you've slept
with a lot of men,

But I don't need to know
all their names.

That is a legal document.
Fred is suing me for custody
of my baby!

Oh, my god, you're kidding me.
No, it's all right there.

He wants my baby!

It's not even born yet. He--

He's suing me
for custody of my stomach!

Well, just calm down.
Sit down here.
We'll figure something out.

I've already thought
about it. I think i've
come up with a plan

That could really work.
First, we hire a hit man.

Jackie!
Just hear me out.

Remember, we saw that woman on
tv who hired that guy for $ .

And the reason she was on tv
was because she got caught.

I gotta do something.
He doesn't care about this baby.

He's just doing this
to punish me because
I won't go out with him.

As far as i'm concerned,
he's found a legal way
to b*at me up.

Listen, Jackie, i'm not
gonna let this happen to you.

I'm gonna go,
and i'll talk to him.

Because deep down inside,
you and me both know

That Fred is a decent guy.

A decent guy? A decent guy
doesn't sue the mother
of his child!

There are no decent guys
in this world!

There never have been,
there never will be.

That is not true.
There's Dan.

And...

Donahue.

Hey.

Look at the way they all
scatter back to work
when the boss walks in.

You know, Dan,
I took your advice,

And for the
first time in months,

I actually feel good
about myself.

Yeah, it's a dandruff shampoo,
but it keeps
your hair manageable.

No, I mean about suing
Jackie for custody.

What the hell are you talking
about? I never told you that.

Oh, yes, you did.

Remember last week,
when Roseanne was having
that big fight with you,

You were telling me
how a man's gotta
stand up for himself.

That was different.
I was sleeping on the couch.
I had nothing to lose!

It made a lot of sense to me.
So I talked to a lawyer.

He said you're right
to recommend suing.

Would you stop saying that?

Dan, you got nothing
to be ashamed of.

I'd be proud
if it was my idea.

That's good.
We'll go with that.

Dan, i've tried
everything else.

I don't want this kid
to grow up not knowing me.

If it was your kid,
wouldn't you do anything
to be a part of their life?

Well, not now. But maybe
before they were born.

So you're on my side.
No!

But I understand your side.
I'm sure Jackie has a side too.

Hey, Dan. Your wife's here.
And here it comes now.

I gotta get out of here.
I'm gonna sit this one out.

Dan? If she
compliments my hair,

Can I tell her you did
recommend the dandruff shampoo?

Fred? I want
to talk to you now.

Alone.

I'm not through
with my lunch yet.

Well, you are now.
Don't forget to brush.

Save your breath, Roseanne.

You're not gonna talk me
into dropping this lawsuit.

Well, maybe I can talk you
into begging for your life.

Is Dan in his office?
No, he's not.

We had a big crisis. Dan had
to rush out and take care of it.

Oh, yeah? What, did somebody
forget the crullers again?

Now, wait a minute.
You can't--

You wait a minute.

Fred, you cannot sue Jackie.

Before she went out with you,
she went out with a whole bunch
of really bad guys.

I'm sorry about that, Roseanne.
But why should I give a damn

About her feelings if she
doesn't even care about mine?

You are not listening, okay?
Her last boyfriend b*at her up.

Oh, god.

And it's not so easy to bounce
back from something like that.

You're not helping anything
by suing her.

No.

I feel awful about this.

Well, yeah,
I knew you would, Fred.

Now, listen.

All's you gotta do
is drop the lawsuit,

And then, you know,
if you ask really nice,

I'm sure that Jackie and i
can be persuaded to share
our baby with you.

I'm not dropping it,
Roseanne.

So you'd do this to Jackie
after what I just told you?

I am not doing
anything to Jackie.

I don't want to abandon my kid.
He deserves a father.

I told you before that i
will figure out a way
for you to see your kid!

I'm way more powerful
than any law!

I'm tired of waiting for you
to handle this, Roseanne.

From now on, I am fighting for
my rights and my kid's rights.

Well, Dan and donahue
walk alone.

Sorry, Roseanne.
No, you're not sorry!

But you are gonna be,
'cause I can make
your life a living hell.

You can't scare me out of this.

Well, maybe I can't,
but Dan can.

Because Dan is the kind
of man who automatically
defends all women

Because he knows how helpless
and vulnerable we are.

And when he gets wind of the
crap you're trying to pull
on my family,

There's not gonna be
a safe place on this earth
for you to hide.

Is that right, Dan?

Well, in here's
pretty safe.

David, can I talk
to you for a minute?

I'd go to Mark,
but he'd just make fun of me.

Sure, Deej.
Okay.

Do you think it'd be weird
if I took a home ec course?

No, I think that's okay.

So you don't think it's wrong

For a guy to learn how to cook
and sew and stuff like that?

Of course not.

Thanks.

Mark, you were right!
David's a girl!

Hey, I knew what you
were doing.

[sighs] hey!

"ah, hey" to you too.

Where have you been?
You have to work late?

Yeah, a little overtime.
And, gee, when I was pulling up,

I noticed the chimney's got
a big cr*ck in it.

I gotta get
to it right away.

Could take me all night.
Tape Gladiators for me,
will you?

Oh, um, Dan?

Did you get a chance to talk
to Fred today at all?

Fred. Fred...

Fred. Fred...

No. No, I haven't
seen Fred all day.

[chuckles] he must be
avoiding me or something.

Well, brace yourself here.

Fred is suing Jackie
for custody of the baby.

What?

Oh, man!

Oh, man! You gotta
be kiddin' me, right?

Oh, man!

And, Dan, I know it
would be unfair to put
you in the middle,

So you'll be on my side.

Oh, right, like Fred
would listen to me.

Like anything i've ever said
has had any bearing on what
Fred has ever done.

Now, Dan, don't tell me
that you can't talk to him.
I made a promise to Jackie.

You are gonna have
to decide whose happiness
is more important to you:

Fred's or yours!

What do you expect me
to do, Roseanne?
I can't fire a city employee

Because he's suing
my sister-in-law.

Well, you could if he
h*jacked a city bus,

And handcuffed himself
to the wheel

And drove it right off
a cliff, couldn't you?

This is between Fred and Jackie.
I'm not getting involved.

Well, you have to get involved.
Why?

Because this will eventually
drive you insane.

You can poke me
till i'm black and blue.
I'm not changing my mind.

Stop poking me!

I can't believe you don't
like my sister more than this.

Why don't you just leave
him alone, Mrs. Conner?

Shut up! This can be done
with a steak Kn*fe too.

Don't blame Dan.
You should be mad at me.

It was really my idea
for Fred to sue Jackie.

You mean it
wasn't fred's idea?

No, i'm just saying
it wasn't dan's.

Dan's idea?

Why would you say it
wasn't dan's idea?

It was your idea!

This is why you
don't talk very much.

How could you do
something like this?

Roseanne, me and you
were having that big fight
about Darlene.

I was mad at every woman.
Fred comes in.

Who knew he'd
take me seriously?

Okay, yeah.
But now, in the light of day,

After all the other males on
earth have decided that it's
your turn to use the brain,

You can see the error
of your thinking, right?

Roseanne, if you're gonna push
me into a corner, i'll tell
you exactly what I think.

I agree with Fred.

And you agree with Fred, too?

Damn right.

Well, I mean,
I agree with Dan.

The guy's got rights.

Okay, so Jackie has
so far put in what,

Eight months into this baby.

And Fred, he put in,
what do you think,

Three minutes? And i'm
being very generous here!

So you think that they're
equal partners in the deal?

Roseanne, the guy's tried
everything. He just wants

To be a part
of his child's life.

Maybe you have to be a man
to understand where we're
coming from.

Hey.

Hey. Hey, David.

Okay, now, I wanna ask
you a question, okay?

And I want you to give me
a really honest answer.

I agree with you,
Mrs. Conner.

Wait a minute.
All right, David.

Now, a man and a woman
who aren't married

Are gonna have a baby.

And the mother doesn't
want the father to have
anything to do with it.

Now, does she
have that right?

Well, yeah, I guess so.

I mean, she is the mother.
She's the one that gave birth.

Okay.

Good answer, David.

He doesn't count.
We said you have to be
a man to understand.

Unless, of course,
the man wants rights.

I mean, then, I think the women
should do what they're told.

We should have known, mom.

Men stick together
no matter how buttheaded
their argument is.

Well, Dan, I guess you're just
not the man I thought you were.

And I wasn't too happy
with that one!

Well, men,

Looks like we're on our own
for dinner tonight.

All right. But i'm not
making anything fancy.

You done
with the mustard?

So, Mr. Conner,

Are you and Mrs. Conner
talking yet?

Let me see. We're in the
bathroom this morning,

She shoved me, I believe she
said, "move," so technically,
yeah, we're speaking.

Well, I don't care if Becky
ever speaks to me again.

She's wrong.

Little something I think
you oughta know.

Women live longer than men.
So in the end,
they're never wrong.

I think if you just tell
the women how you feel--

You'd be one of them.

There's nothing wrong with
talking about your feelings.

Hey, look, it's
the eighth dwarf, wimpy.

You don't buy this crap,
do you, Mr. Conner?

Boys, let me tell you
how I keep Roseanne happy.

You didn't think
I was serious, did you?

Well, Mark, I think
you should tell Becky
what you just said.

What?
What did he say?

Look, Becky.

Mark only took fred's side
because he thinks he has
to act tough.

But he's actually a lot more
sensitive than you think.

Shut up, raggedy ann.

See what you mean, David.

No, it's hard for him
to tell you this because
it's the kind of thing

Guys only admit to other guys.

But he's jealous.
Jealous?

About what?
I'm not jealous.

Don't worry. Come on.
She won't think you're weak.

Yeah, he's jealous.
All guys are jealous.

Because we can't
have babies.

We all really want to.

No, David, not that.

Not the biggest secret of all!

Oh, that makes
so much sense.

You really said that?

Yeah, well, those weren't
my exact words.

Why don't you talk to me about
these things? I'd understand.

Wanna talk now?
Sure.

So, uh, who's the wimp now?

I don't know.

Let's trade punches
and see.

I hate you.

Hi, Roseanne.
Oh, you. Out of my diner.

I changed my mind.
I'm dropping the lawsuit.

Really?
I thought about what you said.

I still think i'm right,
but I don't wanna
put Jackie through this.

Oh.

Well, took you long enough.

I knew you'd be pleased.

What the hell's he doing here?

He came here
to do evil,

But he was drawn
into my circle of love.

He's gonna drop the lawsuit.

I'll drop it

If you're willing to be
reasonable and at least
let me see the baby some.

Jackie, this is where
you say thank you.

Why the hell should
I thank him?

No, thank me. I'm
the one that pulled
the whole thing off.

You don't see
what he's doing, Roseanne?

What? What am I doing?

You're dropping it so i'll
think you're a really great guy

And agree to go out
with you again. When are you
gonna accept the fact

That I don't want anything
to do with you?

When are you gonna
accept the fact

That I accepted that fact
a long time ago?

I just want to see
my kid once in a while.

Yeah, well, once in a while
turns into all the time.

And who do you see when
you're seeing the baby? Me.

And you end up attached to my
life. It's so obvious.

Okay, so let me
get this straight.

Um, when Fred was suing you,
that's because he wants
to be with you, right?

Then when he drops the lawsuit,
that's because he wants
to be with you too, right?

So everything on earth
that Fred ever does is because
he wants to be with you.

Yes.

You better hope that kid's head
ain't as big as yours.

Listen, Jackie,
try and get this, okay?

I don't want you. I don't want
anything to do with you.

I wouldn't go out with you
if you were the last pregnant
woman on earth.

Oh.

See you in court.

Let the jerk go.

He's not a jerk. Okay?

Now, look, I know you've
had bad relationships,

And you've been hurt a lot
and everything, but get a grip!

I am completely gripped!

He's trying to do something
decent, and you treat him
like crap.

Oh, well, now I see what's
going on. I'm not getting
together with Fred.

No, I know you're not
getting together with Fred.

Fred is gone for good.

But if you don't snap out of
this man-hating stuff of yours,

You're gonna be old and alone
and thinking you can
stay with me.

I can't believe you're
saying this to me!

You don't know
what I went through.

You think you can just
say, "snap out of it,"

And poof, i'm over it?
No!

They're not all
like Fisher, okay?

They're not all like dad!

I'll make my own decisions.
If you can't back me up,

Then screw you!

No, screw you.

Now I have to go home
and get into a big fight
with Dan over nothing

Because you're
so totally wrong,
so screw you double.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Shut up!

Am I still mad?

Well, Roseanne, I guess
you did have kind of a point

About me having
problems with men.

And you are my sister,
and you do love me.

So, yeah, i'm still mad.

All right, i'll talk
to you tomorrow.

[both laughing]

So we made love twice
in the last nine months.

I think we're on a roll.

I forgot
how nice it could be.

I hope this time I don't throw
up for the next four months.

So how come you didn't tell
Roseanne that what she said
got us together?

Oh, 'cause me and Dan have a bet
to see who can make Roseanne
apologize the most.

That's just mean.

I like this family.

Now I know what I was
doing wrong all those months.

I was being nice.
No, I like that you're nice.

I just finally decided not
to let another one slip
through my fingers.

Then how come
after eight months
of candy and flowers,

I got nowhere until I
sued you? You liked it
when I played hardball.

No! I was angry
and hurt and disgusted.

But then Dan
explained it to me.

What do you mean?

He told me that
the only reason you
were suing me for custody

Was because you were jealous.

Jealous?
Yeah.

That you can't
have a baby.

I didn't know
men felt like that.

We don't.

That's about the stupidest
thing i've ever heard.

Dan said you'd say that.

Fred, I don't
think you're weak.

Yeah, well...

You know, it was
a really tough thing
for me to admit.

And I think it's really good
that you men talk
about these things.

At least, with each other.

Did Dan tell you
he cried when I told him?

I don't wanna
abandon my kid!
He deserves a father!

Blank.

You know, it's moments like
this that bring us closer
together as a cast.

I'm sorry.

Because Dan is the kind of man
who comes to the defense

Of all women because he knows
how help...

[both laughing]

Too many words!

I know 'em, get lost.