02x11 - A Bird in the Head Hurts

[bunniefuu]

[music playing]

NARRATOR: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.

[music playing]

Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy!

Ritchie, what is it? What happened?

He bit me in the head.

He bit me in the head.

Who did?

He did.

Right here.

Ritchie, I don't see anything.

Who bit you?

Are you sure you're not making this up?

No, Mommy.

He bit me in the head.

Now, Ritchie.

Tell Daddy to come home and k*ll him.

All right, dear.

Now, please, just-- - He bit me in the head.

Ritchie, please.

He bit me in the head.

Ritchie.

Now, just calm down and tell me all about it.

I guess you don't believe me.

He bit me in the head and you don't believe me.

Ritchie, who?

Who bit you in the head?

[music playing]

OK, who ordered corned beef on a bagel?

I ordered lox and Swiss cheese on a bagel.

Lox and Swiss cheese?

Well, here lox and Swiss cheese, but it's on a hamburger bun.

That's my hamburger bun, but I ordered a hamburger.

Well, here's a hamburger but it's on my rye bread

without the corned beef, which is on his bagel.

Well, what do you think we ought to do?

Why, I think we ought to strip our sandwiches

and rebuild them correctly.

Good idea.

All right.

[interposing voices]

- Well, I'm all set. - That's It.

Hold it.

Wait a minute.

I got a bagel sandwich on rye.

Oh.

My cover.

Don't bite that.

If my calculations are right, I think

you'll find my corned beef buried under your hamburger.

Hello.

A couple of my fingerprints, the FBI

will want it for the file.

Why do we keep ordering from that same place?

They never get an order straight.

All right.

Tomorrow, we'll eat out. [phone rings]

I'll get it.

Hey, Sal, if that's for me, tell her

I left the money under the girdle.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Laura.

Yeah, he just did a rewrite on a bagel.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, sure. Hey, Rob, it's Laura.

She sounds very upset.

ROB: Oh.

Hi, honey, anything wrong?

What?

Ritchie?

Who bit him in the head?

What happened?

Honey, what-- what bit him in the head?

A giant woodpecker.

A giant woodpecker?

[music playing]

What?

Honey, who-- who was he with when this bird att*cked him?

With no one.

ROB (ON PHONE): He was alone?

Well, he and Freddy had a fight this morning

and Ritchie's been playing alone all afternoon.

I see.

Sad little boy alone with his imagination.

Oh, you think he's looking for sympathy?

Well, could be.

What's he doing now?

Well, he's soaking in the bathtub.

It's the only thing that'll keep him quiet.

Well, keep him soaking a while.

Well, I hate to.

His fingers and toes are all pruney.

Honey, would you rather have a pruney or hysterical?

Pruney.

All right.

Well, I'll try to get home early.

LAURA (ON PHONE): All right. - Bye.

LAURA (ON PHONE): Bye-bye.

How do you like that kid and his imagination?

You mean he really thinks he was att*cked by a woodpecker?

Yeah, how about that?

Well, he's just like his daddy.

Oh, you often att*cked by giant woodpeckers?

No.

But when I was a kid, and I really wanted some sympathy,

I had this big imaginary lion that used to att*ck me.

Poor little kid.

I know what he's going through, though.

You know why your kid makes up these weird stories about being

att*cked by big birds?

ROB: Why?

'cause you live in a suburbs.

What are you talking about?

Well if he lived in a city like any normal kid,

he'd be att*cked by a nice street g*ng.

Hey, Rob, why don't you buy him a toy.

I don't think he wants a toy.

See, he had-- he had a fight with the kid next door.

And I think he wants a friend.

Well, they got those kind of dolls in the store, too.

Those big doll-- giant dolls.

You wind them up and you pull a string and they go,

I am your friend.

Then they kick you in the shin and go play with somebody else.

Well, your making jokes and he's worried about Ritchie.

Oh, no.

He'll be fine.

Kids are so resilient.

By the time I get home tonight, he will have

forgotten completely about it. - Mommy!

He's after me! Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy!

Ritchie, who's after you.

The giant woodpecker.

He was in my bedroom.

Now, what was he doing in your bedroom?

He was pecking at the things on my dresser.

All right, let's go see the woodpecker.

He's not there anymore.

He's not there?

No.

I threw my submarine at him and he flew away.

All right, young man, that's enough of this nonsense.

Go put some clothes on.

No.

I'm not unless you close my window.

Ritchie, there's no need to close your window.

Then I'm going back in the bathtub.

Ritchie.

[music playing]

He insists.

He says it's a real, giant woodpecker and it's after him.

Honey, I'm sure when Ritchie and Freddy make up,

when they've forgotten all about it, the big bird will fly away.

Doctor, they're friends again and the bird still lives.

They made up?

This afternoon on the phone.

On the phone?

Well, Ritchie was afraid to go out of the house.

Anyway, I don't think Freddy's the reason

he invented the bird.

It must be something else that's bothering him.

Well, yeah.

I'd say so.

But what?

Well, it's got to be one of three things, school,

home, or friends.

Well, it can't be school.

He loves it and he loves his teacher.

Who? Ms. Harnett?

No. Mrs. Schoenbaum.

She got married last week.

Honey, that could be it.

Maybe-- maybe he's carrying a torch for her.

Carrying a torch?

At his age?

Well, I maybe more like a match, but--

you know, little guys like that develop powerful

crushes on their teachers.

Boy, I remember I had a teacher that I

would have married in a minute.

Ms. Eisenstat.

Gorgeous redhead with a figure like you never--

What year was this?

Third.

- Grade school? - No.

College.

No, honey, of course it was grade school.

But you know, I was really crushed when Ms.

Eisenstat became Mrs. Factor.

I don't think it's school.

Suppose it could be home.

Honey, have you scolded them or embarrassed

them in front of his friends or had

a fight with them or anything? - No.

We've been the best of buddies.

How about you?

No.

We're still pals.

I don't think it's me.

Wait a minute.

I think it is you.

I just remembered.

Millie told me what Freddy and Ritchie had to fight about.

What?

Well, Freddy said that he thought your show was rotten

and that you were a rotten writer.

Oh.

Oh, honey, that must be it.

There's nothing that up-- more upsetting to a little kid

than being told his father is a rotten anything.

Do you think it's upsetting enough for him

to invent a giant woodpecker?

What did he say he wanted me to do with the woodpecker?

Get a g*n and k*ll it.

Of course, honey, he can brag about that.

He could?

Well, sure.

What if I am a rotten writer?

I'm a good protector, and that's more important to a little kid.

You think that's it?

Oh, I'm positive.

I'm so sure, if it isn't, I'll eat my--

Hat?

No, I'm not that sure.

I eat a little dinner, though.

Be ready in a minute.

Honey, where's that air r*fle your father

gave Ritch for Christmas.

It was your father, dear.

Oh.

It's in the closet.

Good.

What are you going to do with a g*n?

I'm going to k*ll myself a woodpecker.

Well, I thought we decided there wasn't any woodpecker.

There isn't.

Well, then why do you need the g*n?

I'm going to slay the imaginary dragon, that's all.

Why don't you use an imaginary g*n?

Well, because I don't think he's

going to ask me to see the dragon,

but he may want to see the sword I k*lled him with.

Yeah, and-- then when--

when did this woodpecker come along?

Yesterday afternoon.

And that was after you had your fight

with Freddy, wasn't it?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

Uh, Ritch, would you be proud of me

if I k*lled that woodpecker for you?

Oh, boy, would you, Daddy?

Ritch, would you tell me this?

Would you be more proud of me if I wrote a great television show

or if I k*lled the woodpecker?

If you k*ll the woodpecker.

You going to k*ll it, Daddy.

Ritch, I've got a little surprise for you.

I already have.

With a broom?

No.

With this g*n, Ritch.

Where'd you get the g*n? Can I have it?

No.

Ritch, the g*n is just for the woodpecker.

It's got to go back where it came from.

Now, you sit down and eat your breakfast.

Tell me how you k*lled the woodpecker, Daddy.

Well, Ritch, last night, I went out in the yard.

And I sneaked around the yard looking

behind bushes and in trees.

And all of a sudden, I heard a rustling

up in that old pine tree.

And I sh*t this g*n up in the air.

And out flew the most enormous woodpecker you ever saw.

It wasn't that big, Daddy.

Well, it wasn't enormous.

It was enormous.

Yeah, with orange and black feathers.

All right.

Well, anyway Ritch, I took a bead

on that orange and black bird that's been bothering my son.

And I pulled the trigger and pow.

No more woodpecker.

You got him, Daddy.

You got him.

Now I can play in the sun again.

Yeah, Ritch.

You can go outside and play and you won't

have to be afraid anymore.

Where is he?

What'd you say, Ritch?

I said, where's the bird?

Well, um, why do you want to know that?

I want to take him to school for show and tell.

Show and tell?

Yeah, nobody ever brought a dead woodpecker

to school before.

No, I'm-- I'm sure that they didn't.

Ritch, look, son, it wouldn't really be a good idea to take

that dead woodpecker to class.

Now would it?

Would it?

No, I guess not.

All the girls would scream.

That's right, son.

What's that for?

For k*lling that bad bird.

Are you proud of Daddy?

I sure am.

Where you going, Ritch?

RITCHIE: To tell Freddy.

Well, you're pretty smart, aren't you?

Oh, very.

Mm-hmm.

Are you, uh, proud of me?

Not as much as you are of you.

Well, it's kind of a good feeling that--

to solve a problem like that.

It's like figuring out the solution to a good mystery.

I just hope Ritchie doesn't expect you to solve

all his problems with a BB g*n.

Yeah, that's right.

Well, we just got to pay him a little more attention, I think.

Boy, being a father makes me hungry.

You got any chocolate pudding?

For breakfast?

Well, I-- don't you think I deserve

some kind of a reward for my deft handling of this problem?

All right.

RITCHIE: Mommy!

[inaudible] giant woodpecker.

He bit me in the head again.

The woodpecker bit me in the head.

Darling, Daddy k*lled the woodpecker.

Come on.

Let me handle this, honey.

He bit me in the head.

Ritch, just calm down. Come on.

Sit down. - But he bit me on the head.

All right. Just calm down.

Now, tell Daddy, where did you see this woodpecker just now?

Out in the front yard.

He came out of the tree.

You didn't k*ll the giant woodpecker, Daddy.

Ritch-- Ritch, you know there isn't any giant woodpecker.

Is he all right?

Oh, he's fine, Millie.

He saw the woodpecker again.

Yeah, that's the biggest woodpecker I ever saw.

Millie, we're not going to humor him anymore.

Who's humoring him?

That is the biggest woodpecker I ever saw.

Looked like a glandular case.

Millie, you're not kidding, are you?

Why should I kid?

He was pecking your kid in the head.

Who-- who-- who else saw the bird?

Well, Freddy and Ellen and all the children.

This thing swooped out of the tree

and went right after Ritchie's head

and then followed him to the front door.

You didn't k*ll the giant woodpecker, did you, Daddy?

Well, now, Ritch, I--

I thought I did.

I probably hit him a glancing blow.

Ritch, you go to school.

I'm not going to school until you get rid of that bird.

Now Ritchie, that's silly.

Daddy's going to take care of it.

That's right, Ritch.

Now Daddy's going to--

What?

Well, I don't know.

Millie, you say there were other kids out there just now?

Yeah. Five of them.

Well, did-- the bird didn't att*ck any of the others?

No.

Just Ritch.

It was like it had a grudge against them.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Why would a bird have a grudge against a nice little kid

like Ritch?

Well, maybe he hit the bird or pinched it or something.

Oh, Millie.

Well, what do you think?

I don't know what I think.

But I-- but I'm not-- no bird's going to persecute my kid

and get away with it.

I'm going to do something.

Hello.

Is this the animal shelter?

Well, my name is Robert Petrie.

I wonder if you could help me out?

Yeah, my son-- you're probably not going to believe this.

But my son was att*cked by a woodpecker.

Yeah, a giant woodpecker.

Every-- hello?

Well, I don't blame them.

I would have hung up, too.

Well, tell them to come out here and see for themselves

if they don't believe you.

Well, those are my plans, honey.

I don't blame them.

Hello.

Look, this is Robert Petri again.

Look, if you don't believe me, you can come

out here and save yourself.

There's a great big wood--

huh?

No, this is not Steve Allen.

I'm saying-- it's not a rib.

Robert Petrie.

P-E-- what difference does it make what I do for a living?

All right, I'm a comedy writer.

Now look, this sadistic bird is persecuting my boy.

He's-- hello?

Hello?

Oh, boy.

How do you-- what's the matter with those people?

You shouldn't have admitted to being a comedy writer.

How do you like--

boy, you pay taxes and you pay taxes for these services,

and you-- once in your life, you call up

and ask them for a little help and you can't get it.

Now listen to me, listen, don't talk.

Just listen to me now.

I am telling you the truth.

I am serious.

Well, I don't care.

If a bird was trying to poke holes in your son's head

you'd be a little beside yourself, too.

Now this bird is a menace and I want you to get rid of him.

What?

You can't?

Well, all right, what's their number?

Four, four-- yeah, got it.

Thank you.

What'd they say?

Woodpecker come under the jurisdiction

of the game warden.

You mean, there's nothing they can do?

No.

Not unless the woodpecker att*cks our cat.

Hello?

Hello?

Sir, my-- is this the game warden?

Sir, my name is Robert Petrie.

I wanted you to send a man out here right away.

Well, I'd-- I'd-- I'd rather tell you

about it when you got out here.

Well, because a lot of people have been hanging up on me.

I'm-- look, I'll make a deal with you, sir.

If I tell you about it over the phone,

will you be a friendly game warden and not hang up on me?

Good.

You see this big black and orange

woodpecker has been trying to peck holes in my son's head.

Every time he goes outside--

hello.

[inaudible]

I think you lost him when you asked him

to be a friendly game warden.

I'll tell you something.

I'm going to get him this time.

You watch my smoke now.

Help.

Help.

Help.

There's a fiendish man out in his yard sh**ting birdies.

Yes, birdies.

He's out there now.

Send the game warden over right away.

148 Bonnie Meadow Road.

That'll get him.

[music playing]

Now Mrs. Helper, you say you're a witness.

And remember, you're talking to a game warden.

Yes.

Well, I saw this woodpecker att*ck the boy in the head.

Now, uh, does your son own a slingshot?

No, he doesn't.

Are you suggesting that our boy would--

Madam, you made a charge against one

of our county's birds.

Now, I need the facts.

The facts are that your bird is bothering our child.

Well, it's nesting time.

Maybe your child is bothering her child.

When a bird is preparing a nest, she's very protective.

Well, we're protective, too, warden.

Now, isn't there's some way you can get rid of this bird?

Now, before we start getting rid of things,

can anybody here give me an accurate description

of this alleged bird.

Well, it was large.

It was orange and black.

Orange where and black where?

Look, this isn't a m*rder trial.

Can't you just go out there and sh**t some buckshot up

in the tree and get it over with.

Mr. Petrie, there might be many birds in that tree.

Are you suggesting that we wipe out whole families

of innocent birds just to avenge your son?

We just want to get rid of this one crazy bird.

Well, I think I have all I need now.

I'll just go back to the office and discuss

your case with my superior.

Will you tell me what there is to discuss?

Why can't you just arrested that crazy bird?

Patience.

Patience.

Everything will be taken care of in good time.

Well, what do we do in the meantime?

Well, I suggest you keep your child in the house.

Well, look, he has to go and come from school.

He has to be protected from the bird.

Now what do you recommend for that?

Well, have him wear a pith helmet and sunglasses.

You want my son to wear a pith helmet and sunglasses?

And I would suggest, sir, that you don't

try to do anything foolish.

Now, look what could be more foolish

than a 7-year-old kid going around in a pith

helmet and sunglasses?

Now, calm down.

I'm not going to calm down until we

rid the community of that neurotic vulture out there.

Mr. Petrie, hunting and k*lling birds out of season

is against the law.

And I am paid to enforce that law.

Well, looks to me like there ought

to be a law about pecking holes in the little boy's heads.

I'll be in touch with you.

Well, how do you like that guy?

A pith helmet and sunglasses?

I'm going to take care of it myself.

You want anything done, you got to take care of it yourself.

Rob, you're not going to do anything foolish.

ROB: I certainly am.

MILLIE: What's he going to do? - I don't know.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to get rid of a bird.

What's he going to do?

Cook it?

I don't know.

[music playing]

[banging]

[whistling]

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Oh, hello, Ms. Zelding.

No.

No, it's not Ritchie.

It's-- yes, I'll try to stop it.

I'm sorry, Mr. Zelding.

Goodbye.

[whistling]

Rob.

Rob.

ROB: What?

Will you stop that noise?

Rob, the neighbors are starting to complain.

Darn bird.

Either he's completely hard of hearing or he's just stubborn.

Sorry I bent your pot.

It's all right.

Did you see him?

Yeah, he's sitting up in that pine tree laughing at me.

I don't blame him.

You did look kind of silly standing

out there banging on the pot yelling, yahoo!

I can't understand it.

Why would that bird pick on one little boy and nobody else

at all?

Honey, are you sure that Ritchie, some way,

hasn't been bothering that bird?

Oh, Rob.

You know Ritchie's not the kind of boy who bothers birds.

No.

Anyway, this one couldn't be bothered possibly.

I was-- I scared away 20 sparrows and two cats

and one old lady with an umbrella with that pot.

Boy, not that vulture though.

He sat up on that [bird sounds] making fun of me.

Why does he hate our boy?

I don't know.

Maybe he loves him.

Huh?

Well, maybe picking a boy on the head

is a woodpecker's way of showing love.

Honey, you did say he flew into Ritchie's window,

didn't you?

Yeah, Ritch said he came in and was pecking

up the things on his bureau.

What things on his bureau?

Oh, I don't know.

About 1,000 baseball cards, his lucky rock,

his hairbrush, picture of Willy Mays, stuff like that.

Ha!

What?

Honey, is that old bird cage still in the closet?

Well, no. It's in the garage.

In the garage? Good.

You go open Ritchie's window. - All right.

But why?

Oh, and don't move any of the things on his bureau.

All right, I wont.

But where are you going?

I'm going to try a ridiculous theory that just

might turn out to be brilliant.

What time's he get home school?

I'm going to pick them up in about a half hour.

Oh, I hope that's long enough.

LAURA: For what?

I'm going to catch me a bird.

[music playing]

Come on in, Ritch.

RITCHIE: I'm afraid.

If he's not out here, then maybe he's in the house.

All right, Millie and I will search the house.

He's not in here either.

Well, come on.

You can take those things off, Ritchie.

I think your bird has flown away.

Where did he go?

Maybe he's just asleep.

Maybe Daddy k*lled him again for real.

ROB: No, I didn't k*ll him again.

Rob, where is he?

Right here.

Take him away!

Take him away!

Now, Ritchie, it's all right.

Look, Daddy has him in a cage.

See?

There's your little brain picker.

LAURA: Rob, how in the world?

ROB: Well, it was very simple.

As a matter of fact, the whole thing

was simple if you look at life like a big mystery story.

Well, tell us how you did it.

Well, honey, in that cage is the key right there.

RITCHIE: It looks like a hairbrush.

ROB: It is your hairbrush, Ritch.

But what's the hairbrush got to do with--

Well, I used it as bait to lure that bird into the cage.

As bait?

Mm-hmm.

Sit down, honey, and I'll tell you all about it.

I got to thinking what was there about Ritchie's

head that was different than anybody else's head?

His hair, naturally.

Yeah, this is exciting.

Then I thought, why would a bird be

interested in anybody's hair?

What can a bird do with hair?

Build a nest.

Precisely, my dear.

Said that just like Ronald Coleman.

Thank you, Millie.

But why did the bird just pick on Ritchie and no one else?

You mean, why did she pick on Ritchie?

She?

Yes.

Ritchie's assailant is an expectant woodpecker.

How can you tell?

Oh, they get a certain look about them.

MILLIE: Oh.

But how did you figure it out?

Well, the game wardens said it was nesting time.

And she began building her nest with the hair

for Ritchie's hairbrush.

Now, she liked Ritchie's hair and she didn't care whether it

was new or used hair.

So you see, Ritch, she wasn't trying to hurt you.

She just wanted some of your hair to lay your eggs in.

Now, young man, will you listen to your Mommy

when she tells you to keep your hairbrush clean?

No.

What do you mean no?

I like to be a nest.

Here, woodpecker, want some hair.

[music playing]

[music playing]

ROB: Well, there's your alleged woodpecker, sir.

Yeah, that's a woodpecker, all right.

Well, I guess I owe you folks an apology.

What are you going to do with it?

I'll offer her the Bronx Zoo I guess.

They're a little low on woodpeckers.

Here, Daddy, give this to the man for the bird.

Well, you give it to him, Ritch.

Well, what do you got there, sonny?

Bag of birdseed?

No.

A bag of hair.

Hair?

I think that's nest building material.

First time he ever volunteered for a haircut.

I'm going to send her bag of hair every three weeks.

Where should we send it? - Now, Ritchie.

GAME WARDEN: No, that's all right, Mrs. Petrie.

We'll be glad to accept your hair, sonny.

Here's my card.

You just mail it to that address.

Well, that's awfully nice of you.

Oh, perfectly all right.

You heard to care packages, haven't you?

Well, this will be a hair package.

That's pretty good, huh?

Hair package.

Well, I'll run along with my bird.

Thank you very much.

Hair package.

I guess I could be a comedy writer, couldn't I?

Oh, yeah, that's pretty good.

Hair package.

[music playing]

[music playing]

[music playing]