03x04 - Nasty Patty/Idiot Box

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR:
Oh, a dark and stormy night.

It's nights like this
that remind me of the time

Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob

thought they k*lled
the health inspector.

( thunderclap )
( chortling )

It was a bright
and sunny morning...

Ah...

( sniffs )

That smells like...

( gasps )

The health inspector!

Wash your hands,
clean the floors,

change your underwear!

The health inspector's here!

If he finds one health violation

he'll close us down for good.

We've got to
do everything
in our power

to make sure
he passes
The Krusty Krab.

But, Mr. Krabs,
there's no reason to worry.

The Krusty Krab is the most
perfect place in the universe.

You really haven't got any
brains at all, have you, son?

Just go out there and
give him what he needs.

Pour on the charm.

Sweet-talk him.

What can I get for
you... Handsome?

We're doomed!

I'm going to need you
to bring me

one of everything on the menu.

Excellent choice, my darling.

Coming right up!

He wants one of everything!

Then we'll give him
a smorgasbord!

The future of The Krusty Krab
is at stake.

Try the Crunchy Kelp Dogs, sir.

The Buttered Barnacles
are a touch of heaven.

The Powdered Driftwood
is exquisite.

Fresh Sludge Pudding?

More Diet Red Tide?

Some Fried Flotsam?

Please, gentlemen!

( gulps )

Leave me to finish my work
in peace.

( burps )

And did the voluptuous
inspector enjoy his meal?

So far so good.

I just need to try
a plain Krabby Patty

and my inspection
will be finished.

He says if he gets
one more Krabby Patty,

he'll pass us
for the inspection!

Do you know what
this means, dear boy?

We're in the clear!

( cancan music playing )

TV ANNOUNCER:
We interrupt this cancan

for a special news bulletin.

Be on the lookout for a man
who's been passing himself off

as a health inspector
in order to obtain free food.

That's all for now.

Free... food...?!

Maybe we ought to tell our guy
about the phony impostor.

You loony loofah!
He is the impostor!

We've been duped!

Duped!

Bamboozled!

We've been smeckledorfed!

That's not even a word

and I agree with ya!

Look at him...

I bet he never
changes his underpants.

SPONGEBOB:
I bet he bites
whale bubbles.

MR. KRABS: I bet his mom
bought him that hat.

lf that impostor
wants a Krabby Patty,

then, by Neptune,
we'll give him one!

You're dancing with
the Krab man now!

Join me, boy, or you're fired.

It doesn't seem right...

but it feels so good!

Sea horse radish, the
gnarliest stuff in the ocean!

Oh, hold on! I've got a jar of
toenail clippings in my office.

Oops, I dropped it
in the toilet.

Well, fish it out and
I'll dry it with me gym socks!

( SpongeBob snickers )

MR. KRABS:
Why, that's the most diabolical
Krabby Patty ever spawned.

I call it...
The Nasty Patty.

( both laugh )

Hey, hurry up with that patty!

Here you are, sir. Enjoy.

Ah! Hello, delicious.

Come to Papa.

( buzzes )

( gagging, fly buzzing )

Listen! He ate it!

Look at him choke!

( both laugh )

( choking )

Look at him suffer!

( laughing uncontrollably )

( coughing, choking )

( laughing )

Did you see that, boy?

Oh, man, that look on his face!

( choking )

( groaning )

( fly buzzing )

( laughing )

TV ANNOUNCER:
We interrupt your laughter
at other people's expense

to bring you this news flash!

The fake inspector
has been captured.

Here is his picture.

lf a health inspector
comes to your restaurant

and he's not this guy,
he's real.

Phew! That's a relief,
eh, Mr. Krabs?

I'm sure our guy will understand

if we just explain
the situation.

Then we can all have
a good laugh about it.

( gasps )

I don't think
he'll be laughing, boy.

Why, sir?

MR. KRABS:
Because that patty k*lled him!

( both screaming )

( screaming )

Mr. Krabs, what
are we gonna do?

What's this "we" stuff?

You fed him the tainted patty!

Looks like it's
the stony lonesome for you.

But you told me
to give it to him!

Well, you could have
talked me out of it!

You're right, Mr. Krabs...
l'm guilty!

I'll never survive in prison.

They'll mop up the floor
with me!

Get ahold of yerself, boy!

We got to get rid of this body

before anyone sees it.

We got to take it out
and bury it.

Eww, gross, germs.

It's all icky and corpse-y!

( gagging )

( shrieking )

Eww... eww...

This should be far enough.

Now, get diggin'!

Yes, sir.

( clank )

What's the holdup down there?

There's a big rock
in the way!

Well, toss it out
and get back to diggin'!

Aye, aye, sir!

( grunting )

Oh... where am I?

( grunts, groans )

( moans )

Somethin' ain't quite right.

What do you mean,
Mr. Krabs?

His head's sticking out!

Sorry, Mr. Krabs, I thought
he might need some air.

They don't need air
where he's goin'.

Shouldn't we say a few
words on his behalf?

Uh... he was a credit

to health inspectors
everywhere, and, uh...

What a brave man, going in
the line of duty like that.

Why... why... why...?!

Listen here, ya little barnacle.

No one, and I mean no one,
can ever know about this.

It'll be the end of you,
it'll be the end of me.

And worst of all,
it'll be the end of me!

MAN:
Stop right where you are!

I'm afraid we're gonna have
to arrest the two of you.

Mr. Krabs!
I'm too young
to go to jail!

And what would be the charges?

For not being
at The Krusty Krab

to whip us up a couple of
dee... licious Krabby Patties.

( both laugh )

( laughs weakly )

( whispers ):
Laugh, boy.

( laughing nervously )

( thunder booming,
laughter continues )

Put that muddy shovel
in the trunk

and we'll give you a ride back.

( forced laughter )

( groans )

SpongeBob, listen carefully.

We're just getting a lift
back to the Krusty Krab.

I need you to stay
calm, and don't lose
your cool, understand?

Can I lose my cool now?

Why?

Ahh!
Ahh!

Put him in the trunk, boy!
I'll keep them cops busy.

MAN: What's the
holdup back there?
Uh, the boy's...

Oh, Neptune!

Get away!

Ooh... ahh-ahh...

( groans )

A-hem.

Okay! All set
back here.

Nothing unusual about
a muddy shovel in the trunk.

( laughs nervously )

All set.

Ahh...

( shivering )

You okay there, little fella?

Ooh, he gets carsick real easy.

Well, buckle up and
we'll drive real smooth-like.

( siren wails, tires squeal )

Now listen, SpongeBob,

when we get to the Krusty Krab,

I want you to take

that shovel

and bring it around
to the back entrance

and stuff... uh,
I mean, stow it
in the freezer.

Un... der... stand?

I understand, Mr. Krabs,

but what do you want me
to do with the bo...

...tles of soda!
Bottles of soda.

Same thing, put 'em
in the freezer.

( siren wailing )

Oh...

( laughing nervously )

Eww... eww... eww...

Oh, man, this is so gross!

The back door is locked!

What am I gonna do?!

( both laughing )

Ahoy there, SpongeBob.

Heh. I thought
you were out back,

takin' care of that shovel.

Well, the back door was locked,
so I came around here... eh.

So, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go put my hat
in the freezer now.

Okey-dokey, SpongeBob.

Is that kid okay?

He's actin' a little funny.

Funny? Oh. Yeah.
( laughs )

He's a real cut-up, that one.

He knows how to keep
the crew in stitches.

Good one, boy!

Always on, that one.

There's no off
on his funny switch.

( laughing )

Oh, ha, oh, stop it.

Oh, you're, you're killin' me.

( laughing )

( laughing )

Oh!

Look, I almost forgot!

It's Open Cash Register Night!

First two customers
get all the money

in the cash register!

( straining )

( garbled police radio chatter )

( indecipherable voice )

those patties, Krabs.

We just got a call
about two ghouls

burying a stiff
over by Shallow Grave Road.

I want a soda.

Here's your soda.

Always a pleasure to
serve the folks in blue.

Well, good-bye now.

Hey, there's no ice.

Ice? Ice? You want ice?

Is that what you want,
you want ice?

Is that what you want?

The dark deed you requested

is done, sir.

I'll get it myself.

Ice is in the freezer, ri...?

There is no ice!

There's never been any ice.

Ice is just a myth!

Step aside.

You people act like
you've committed a m*rder!

( teeth chattering )

Okay! I confess!

SpongeBob k*lled him!

What? You can't pin
this whole rap on me!

He was insane, out of control.

He would have k*lled me, too,

if you hadn't come along.

It was all Mr. Krabs' idea.

Put him down now,
he's a mad dog!

He wears curlers to bed!

Wait! It's not
what you think!

What are you two
talking about?

We k*lled the health inspector,

buried him, and then stuffed
his body in the freezer.

You mean in here?

It's empty.

Is this some kind of a joke?

Yeah... a joke!

( laughs )

Say, maybe he
turned into a zombie

and walked out.

( all laughing )

( thumping footsteps
and eerie groaning )

( groaning eerily )

Ahh! It's the zombie!

You guys...

Take that, you zombie!

I'll take it from here.

Die, zombie!

Good police work, Officer Nancy.

Hey, this guy's not a zombie.

He's just an ordinary
health inspector.

Yes, and at the risk
of being hit again,

I'd like to present you
with this.

Hey, Mr. Krabs, look.

We passed the inspection!

Hooray!
Hooray!

Come on, everybody!

Krabby Patties at half price!

Well, not really.

Oh, boy, I'd like
a Krabby Patty.

NARRATOR:
Well, that's the story.

Yes, they are
all idiots, aren't they?

( wind blowing )

See anything yet, Patrick?

I need my glasses.

Hmm...

It's the mail truck!

BOTH:
Our package!

I didn't realize it was
Happy Hopping Moron Day.

SpongeBob SquarePants?

That's me!

That's a big box!

Thank you.

Hey, SpongeBob?

When do we stop hopping?

more seconds, Patrick.

Probably ordered a lifetime
supply of bubble soap.

( snickers )

( both grunting )

Huh?! A brand new television?

Easy... easy...

( yelling )

( whooping and cheering )

( both giggling )

Just when I thought they
couldn't get any stupider.

Let me get this straight.

You two ordered
a giant-screen television

just so you could play
in the box?

Pretty smart, huh?

l thought
it wouldn't work.

Yeah, that's quite a plan there.

Oh, but wait...

There's something else
I wanted to ask you two.

Now, what was it?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Don't you two have any brains?!

Squidward, we don't
need television.

Not as long as we have

our imagina... tion.

Wow! I never thought of it
that way.

That's really something.

Can I have your TV?

With imagina... tion,
I can be anything I want.

A pirate! Arr!

A football player! Hup!

A starfish.

Patrick, you're
already a starfish.

See, Squidward,
it works! You try!

Okay, let's see...

I'm imagining myself
watching TV...

And there it is!

Can I have it, SpongeBob?

Sure, Squidward.

Oh, boy, oh, boy!
Oh, boy!

Okay, Squidward!

But if you change your mind,
we'll be in this box.

Let's play
"mountain climbing adventure"!

Let's go for it!

Gloves?
Check!

Hats?
Check!

Underwear?
Uh... check!

Okay, Patrick, climb up there

and secure this rope.

You got it!

( grunting and clattering )

SPONGEBOB:
Patrick...
Patrick...

Patrick!
You're going too high!

l hope they put
some air holes in that box.

Take it easy, Patrick!
You've got to acclimate!

Yeah! I'll take it easy
when I'm dead!

I'm shaking hands
with Neptune!

Whoo!
Excelsior!

Where's that remote?

I am the lizard
king! Whoo!

Patrick? Patrick? Patrick! Oh,
you gotta get up here!

l think we should
keep our voices down!

We might start an avalanche!

What?

I said I think we should
keep our voices down

in case of avalanches!

PATRICK:
What should we
keep down?

Morons.

Our voices!

Will you two shut up?!

( booming, cracking,
screaming )

( crying and moaning )

SpongeBob?

( booming, cracking,
screaming )

( sobbing )

Hold me.

Hang in there, buddy,
the chopper is on the way!

SpongeBob! My legs
are frozen solid.

You'll have to cut
them off with a saw.

No, Patrick,
I can't do that!

Why not?

Because I already cut off
my own arms.

No...!

What the...?

How were you two
making that noise?!

( laughs )

What noise, Squidward?

l could only hear the
sound of our laughter.

Yes! But those sound effects:
the avalanche, the, the, the...

Don't forget the
second avalanche.

Forget it!

l don't know why
I'm wasting my time out here

when I could be watching
my brand-new television.

( helicopter flying low )
( gasping )

MAN ( over bullhorn ):
Attention, climbers!
Please hold on!

The saws are on the way!

BOTH:
Yay!

Aha!

How are you doing that?

First we establish
a base camp at , feet.

The noises! How are you two
making those noises?

That's easy,
all you need is a box...

And imagina... tion!

Are you trying to say
I have no imagination?

I have more imagina... tion
in one tentacle

than you two have
in your whole bodies!

That's good.

Now all you need is a box!

I'll show them!

There's got to be one in here!

Ah! This hat box
should do nicely.

Why haven't I worn this yet?

Grr... oh...

( siren wails )

MAN ( over bullhorn ):
Attention! We have
you surrounded!

Come out with your hands up!

( clamoring ) What
do they want with me? What did I do?

Obviously I violated
some new box-kicking law!

Look, Officers!
Everything's okay.

I won't do it again!

SUSPECT:
You'll never take me
alive, coppers!

MAN:
No, Johnny!
Don't do it!

( siren wailing )

Grr...

( siren stops )

Whoopee, another box!

( siren wailing )

I got to try to relax.

Perhaps I can drown out their
childish games with a little TV.

NARRATOR:
It is here that the boxes reach
their final stage of assembly.

The equation is illustrated here
by this box.

I couldn't afford
a present this year,

so I got you this box.

That's what I got you!

Isn't there anything on
that isn't about boxes?!

ANNOUNCER:
And welcome back
to Championship Boxing.

Heh-heh! I guess this is okay.

I mean, it's not really
about boxes.

( bell clangs )

( crowd cheering )

I give up.

( rocket engine rumbles )

MAN:
Three... two... one...
blast off!

( whooshing )

How are they doing that?

That was the most realistic
space launch I've ever heard.

There must be an explanation.

Think, Squidward, think!

( giggling )

Shh!

( rocket engine rumbles )

Squidward's such a jerk.

( giggling )

Laugh at me, will they?!

All right, where is it?

Here I am!

Where's what, Squidward?

Don't "Where's what,
Squidward?" me!

Where's the tape recorder?

We don't have a tape
recorder, Squidward.

Don't "We don't have a tape
recorder, Squidward" me.

But we don't.

We have a tape recorder box.

All right! Make way, you two,
I'm coming in!

Welcome aboard, Squidward.

You've just set sail
on the SS Imagina... tion!

Where our only destination

is fantastic adventure.

Where do you want to go first?

No, no, don't mind me,
I'm just here to observe.

But, Squidward, don't you see?

Waiting and watching?

That's not what
the box is about.

It's about
imagina... tion!

All right, fine!

Take me to Robot Pirate Island!

I want to arm-wrestle
with cowboys on the moon!

Just do it so I can
get back and watch TV.

Okay, Squidward, Robot
Pirate Island it is!

Beep-beep-beep.

Arr...

Beep-boop-beep-boop.

Ahoy, matey!

Beep-beep.

For that, you'll walk the plank!

( giggling )

Grr...

Why won't this thing turn on?!

All right, fine!

If you don't want to show me,
l don't care!

I've got better things to do

than pace the floor,

wondering how you two
work this thing.

How do those two
work that thing?

There's got to be
a secret button

or a switch or something.

I mean, listen to that!

( yelling, clanging, beeping )

Now that sounds
like Robot Pirate Island.

Think, Squidward, think!

I got it!

When those two go to bed,

l'll sneak in there
and find that button.

I'll wait all night
if I have to!

( yelling, clanging, beeping )

( yawns )

l need sleep to refuel
my imagin... ation tanks!

SPONGEBOB:
I still can't believe

those pirates beat
all those robots!

See you in the morning!

Good night, Patrick!

( snickers )

Hmm?

Hello, what's this?

"This plaque is to commemorate

"the brave pirates
who gave their lives

"to keep this box safe
from the Robot Menace.

Lest we forget..."

Oh! Got to find
that button quick!

It's got to be around here
somewhere!

I don't see anything!

It's just an empty box!

Maybe it really was
their imagination.

Oh... get it together,
Squidward!

What are you saying?

I mean, do I really believe

that if I sit here and
pretend to drive a race car

that I'm suddenly going to
start hearing noises?

( engine revving )

What the...?

( engine revs )

It actually works!

I can't believe it.

Oh, boy!
This beats TV by a long shot!

( laughing and whooping )

( engine revving )

SQUIDWARD: This is the most fun
l've ever had!

Listen to that, Gary.

Squidward finally made
the box work, after all!

That is so great.

( Squidward laughing )

( tires screech )

( laughing )

Vroom-vroom! Only two more laps
till the finish line!

I'm in the lead!
Out of my way!

I'm almost there!

( laughing )

( whooping )

Victory is mine!

Aah!

( grunting )

( groaning )

Hey! Our box is gone!

Oh, well.

I know! Let's go
see Squidward!

I hope he's not too
down in the dumps today.