03x12 - Chocolate with Nuts/Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V

[bunniefuu]

( humming tune )

Hi, mailman!

( screams )

Okay, see you tomorrow.

Hey, the mail's here.

What did you get?

Let's see...

Gary, Gary, Gary,
Gary, Gary, Gary...

hey, a magazine!

That's funny,
I don't remember

subscribing to
Fancy Living Digest.

Wow!
Wow!

Look at these glossy depictions

of a higher standard of living.

SPONGEBOB:
This guy's so rich,

he has a swimming pool
in his swimming pool.

PATRICK:
This guy's
got shoes!

SQUIDWARD:
Give me that!

Stealing my mail, eh?

You're lucky
I don't report you
to the authorities!

Hey, Squidward,

how do the people
in that magazine

get all that money?

They're entrepreneurs...

they sell things to people.

What kind of things?

How should I know?

Things people want to buy!

Now, keep your paws off my mail.

That's it, Patrick!

We got to become entrepreneurs!

Is that gonna hurt?

Quick, Patrick,
without thinking,

if you could have
anything in the world

right now, what would it be?

Uh... more time for thinking!

No, something real... an item,
something you would pay for.

A chocolate bar?

That's a great idea, Pat!

We'll be traveling
chocolate bar salesmen.

SPONGEBOB:
Fancy living...

here we come!

Make way for a couple
of "entrepe-nooers"!

Okay, Patrick, this is it,

the first step on our
road to living fancy.

Just follow my lead.

Good afternoon, sir.

Could we interest you
in some chocolate?

Chocolate?

Did you say "chocolate"?

Yes, sir!

With or without nuts?

Chocolate?

Chocolate?!

( screaming ):
Chocolate!

Chocolate!

( screaming ):
Chocolate!

Okay, that first guy
didn't count.

This is our real first step.

Good morning, sir.

Would you like to buy
some chocolate?

Chocolate bars, eh?

Yes, sir, we are
chocolate bar salesmen.

Huh. A couple of mediocre
salesmen, if you ask me.

That's no way to carry
your merchandise.

No, no, no, no, wrong.

You guys want to be
good salesmen, right?

BOTH:
Oh, most certainly, sir!

Well, no self-respecting
candy bar salesman

would be caught dead
without one of these!

Wow... what is it?

It's a candy bar bag,
you knucklehead!

It's specially designed

to cradle each candy bar

in velvet-lined comfort.

But...

I'm wasting my time.

You don't need these bags.

We need them!
We need them!

So long, boys!

Happy hunting!

( chuckling )

Suckers!

BOTH:
♪ Fancy living, here we come ♪

♪ La-la, la-la, la... ♪

SPONGEBOB:
Let's try next door.

( doorbell rings )

Yes?

Huh?

Say, weren't you
the same guy

who sold us these
candy bar bags?

I... don't recall.

But it looks to me

like you fellas have got
a lot of bags there.

You two lady-K*llers are
too smart to be

without one of my patented
candy bar bag carrying bags.

We'll take !

Oh, what can I do for
you two nice young men?

We're selling chocolate bars.

Would you like to buy one?

That sounds heavenly.

I'll take one.

One chocolate bar
coming up!

( zipper unzips )

Huh?

( giggles nervously )

Eh...

Huh?

( unzipping continues )

( stammering )

Huh?

Uh, uh, uh...

( giggles nervously )

( panting, unzipping )

( unzipping continues )

l know they're
in here somewhere!

I don't have time for this.

( door slams )

I've got it!

One chocolate bar
for the nice...

FISH:
Chocolate!

...lady.
Chocolate!

Chocolate!

Chocolate!

SPONGEBOB:
We're not doing
so well, Patrick.

We need a new approach...

a new tactic!

Huh...
I got it... let's get naked!

No, let's save that for when
we're selling real estate.

There must be something!

What was the reason
we bought those bags?

He said we were mediocre.

That's it...
He made us feel special.

Yeah, he did.

I'm going back to buy more bags!

No, wait, Patrick!

( screeching )

Why don't we try being nice?

Oh... okay.

Remember, Patrick,
flatter the customer.

Make him feel good.

Hello?

I love you.

( door slams )

I think you laid it on

a teensy bit thick
there, old pal.

Let me try.

Please. G-Go away!

Um... ( clears throat )

H-How ya doin'?

How am I doing?

Want to buy some chocolate?

We got him now!

Sorry, chocolate has sugar,

and sugar turns to bubbling fat.

Isn't that right, lover boy?

( giggling ):
lt tickles!

As you can see,
me and chocolate no longer hang.

You can keep that
for five bucks.

I'll take ten!

We haven't sold
one chocolate bar.

I have a feeling we're
too easily distracted.

Huh?

Let's make a pact right now

that we will stay
focused on selling
at the next house.

What?

Let's shake on it.

Did you say something?

Remember, Patrick,
focus.

Yes?

Good afternoon, sir.

We're selling chocolate bars.

( hypnotic music plays )

Why is Chubby here
staring at me?

PATRICK:
Focusing.

Back up, Jack!

( Patrick grunts )

( air hissing )

PATRICK:
Nice place
you got here.

I can't understand
what we're doing wrong.

I can't understand anything.

There must be something
to this selling game

that we're just not getting.

Other people do it,
I mean, look at that!

PATRICK:
"Eat Barnacle Chips.
They're delicious."

They are most certainly
not delicious!

Not the way I use them.

Yet they sell
millions of bags a day.

Well, maybe if they
didn't stretch the truth,

they wouldn't sell as many.

That's it, Patrick!

We've got to stretch the truth!

FISH:
Chocolate!

We'll work as a team.

Let me get this customer
warmed up,

and then you come in
for the k*ll.

The k*ll.

( doorbell rings )

Yes?

Hello, young lady.

( chuckles )

We're selling chocolate.

Is your mother home?

Mom!

What? What?

What's all that yelling?

You just can't wait

for me to die, can you?

OLD FISH:
They're selling
chocolate.

MOM:
Chocolate? Yeah!

What? What are
they selling?

Chocolates!

What?
Chocolates!

I can't hear you!

They're selling chocolates!

They're selling chocolate?

Yeah!

Chocolate?

I remember when they first
invented chocolate.

Sweet, sweet chocolate.

I always hated it!

Oh, but this chocolate's
not for eating.

It's for...

You rub it on your skin,

and it makes you live forever!

( whispering ):
No, no, no...

Live forever, you say?

I'll take one.

( cash register rings )

MOM:
Come on,
you lazy Mary.

Start rubbing me
with that chocolate!

I hate you.

If we keep
exaggerating the truth,

we'll be fancy-living
in no time!

Hooray for lying!

It'll make your hair grow.

Great!

My wife's trying
to grow a beard.

It'll make you sound smart.

I'll take !

lt'll keep your face
from getting any uglier.

Just in time.

They make you fly.

You'll fall in love.

They'll bring world peace!

You'll walk through walls!

You'll rule the world!

( doorbell rings )

( giggling )

( giggling ):
This'll be the best lie yet!

Yeah!

This guy will feel
so sorry for us,

he'll have to buy
all of our chocolate!

( door creaks )

What can I do for you boys?

Hello, sir, would you like
to buy a chocolate bar?

We need an operation.

FISH:
Really?

Small world.

What's the matter with you guys?

Uh...

We've got some head trauma
and eternal bleeding.

( sighing ):
Some guys have all the luck.

I was born with glass bones
and paper skin.

Every morning I break my legs,

and every afternoon
l break my arms.

At night I lie awake in agony

until my heart att*cks
put me to sleep.

Oh, no!

( bone snapping )

( grunts )

( groans )

( glass shattering )

Ow.

Quick, Patrick, let's help him.

Careful.

Put him down gently.

( glass shattering )

Ow...

Poor, poor man.

If there's anything... anything...

we can do to help you...

There is one thing.

As you can well imagine,

my medical bills
are extremely high,

but luckily I'm able
to keep myself alive

by selling... chocolate bars.

Such nice boys.

It does my heart good...

to con a couple of class-A
sucker-roonies like those two!

( laughing )

( panting ):
Don't get me wrong,
Patrick,

it's great that
we helped that guy out,

but there's no one left in town
to sell chocolate bars to.

Whoa!

( crash )

Let's face it, Patrick,
we're failures.

I can live with that.

Let's change our names
to "Why" and "Bother."

Chocolate!

No, no, don't hurt us!
Please...

( sobbing )

( laughing maniacally )

Finally!

I've been trying to catch
you boys all day!

Now that I've got you
right where I want you...

l'd like to buy
all your chocolate.

( cash register rings )

Thank you for your patronage.

Are we living the fancy life
yet, SpongeBob?

Not yet, pally.

First we got to spend
all the money.

But what are we going
to spend it on?

Hmm...

( crickets chirping )

Good evening, sir.

Table for one, please.

Sorry, but the whole restaurant
has been rented

to a private party.

But it's my only night
to be fancy!

Oh, who could afford to rent out
the whole restaurant?

Oh, a couple of
rich entrepreneurs
and their dates.

So, how long have
you two ladies
known each other?

What?

What did he say?

NARRATOR:
"The New Adventures of

Mermaidman & Barnacleboy!"

ln a familiar restaurant
in a familiar part of town,

a call goes out in frustration.

Will you hurry up?!

NARRATOR:
A call that would
normally be answered

by Bikini Bottom's
semiretired champions...

if they weren't the ones
causing the problem.

Now, let's see.

I want a... no...

I want a... uh...

Uh, no... uh... hmm.

Sir, will you please
order already?

You're holding up the line.

Uh...

Psst... hey, Mermaidman,
get a Krabby Patty.

I've made my decision!

( all cheering )

One Krabby Patty for me

and a Pipsqueak Patty
for the boy.

Now, wait just a darn minute.

( all groaning )

I don't want a Pipsqueak Patty!

I want an adult-sized
Krabby Patty!

The Krabby Patty
is too big for you.

You'll never finish it.

Don't you see what you're doing?

You're treating me like a child!

The boy's eyes are bigger
than his stomach!

( all laughing )

And that's another thing!

I'm not a boy!

I'm so old, I've got hairs

growing out of the wrinkles
on my liver spots!

( hairs squeak )

One Pipsqueak Patty...

And your bib and high chair.

( others laughing )

l'm years old
and I want a Krabby Patty!

Your Pipsqueak is getting cold.

Shall I feed you?

Feed this, old man!

ALL:
Ooh!

I'm tired of playing
second banana

to a man who wears a bra!

From now on, I want
to be called Barnacleman!

And I'm through with
protecting citizens

that don't respect me!

I respect you, Barnacleman!

That's Barnacleboy, I...!

I mean man!

Oh...

Forget you people.

I say if you're not
going to give me

any respect as a hero,

then maybe you'll give me
respect as a villain.

A villain who is... evil.

Evil?

ALL:
Evil?

Evil!

I'm crossing over
to the dark side.

Why should I waste money
lighting the whole store?

Did someone say "evil"?

Holy oil spill!

It's Mermaidman
and Barnacleboy's
arch enemies,

Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble!

Nighty-night, you old goat!

Nighty-night.

Will you tuck me in?

NARRATOR:
We interrupt
your bleak and meaningless lives

for this special news break.

Man Ray...

the Dirty Bubble...

( screaming, Dirty Bubble
laughing fiendishly )

and now, playing for
the dark side, Barnacleboy...

Barnacleman!

NARRATOR:
Have been committing a series of
crimes throughout Bikini Bottom.

( all laughing fiendishly )

Shh!

( doorbell chimes )

( laughing )

I'll get you crazy kids!

NARRATOR:
These three have named
their new alliance...

...otherwise known as EVIL!

What can we do?

When will this crime wave end?

How will we defeat the EVIL?

Why am I asking you
all these questions?

Mermaidman, where are you?

I'm right here!

Don't worry, good citizens,

nothing will stop me
from defeating the EVIL!

Nothing!

( tinny music playing )

Ice cream?

I love ice cream!

A double scoop of prune
with bran sprinkles.

Mmm!

( fuse hissing )

( slurping )

( crunching )

Goes right through me
every time.

You might as well
give up, Mermaidman.

There's three of us
and only one of you.

You don't stand a chance.

( tires squealing )

Are you okay, Mermaidman?

Oh, how are you going to beat

all three of those guys
by yourself?

You're right.

I give up.

You can't give up.

What if we help you?

No, no, that's a terrible idea.

But what if you help me?

Okay.

So, who wants to save the world?

I do!

I do!

I do!

I don't.

Oh, yes, you do.

No world means no money.

Now, go save the world
or you're fired!

( grumbling )

MERMAIDMAN:
Then it's settled!

To the Mermalair!

SPONGEBOB:
Wow!

The Mermalair.

MERMAIDMAN:
These costumes belonged
to the original

International Justice League
of Super Acquaintances!

Wow! The I.J.L.S.A. were
the most heroic heroes ever!

And you had
the best lunch box, too.

MERMAIDMAN:
Once you put on these costumes,

their fantastic powers
will become yours!

Wow... I didn't think
super-powers worked that way.

Sure.

Power's all in the costume.

Why else would we run around
in colored undies?

l can think of
three good reasons.

NARRATOR:
The Quickster...

with the uncanny ability
to run really... quick!

Want to see me run
to that mountain and back?

You want to see me do it again?

NARRATOR:
Captain Magma...

get him angry
and he's bound to erupt!

Krakatoa!

( rumbling, lava gushing )

( steam hissing )

NARRATOR:
The Elastic Waistband...

able to stretch his body
into fantastic shapes and forms!

I can finally touch my toes!

NARRATOR:
And Miss Appear...
now you see her,

now you don't!

SANDY:
Does this outfit
make me look fat?

NARRATOR:
The International Justice League
of Super Acquaintances!

A subsidiary of Viacom.

MERMAIDMAN:
So, it's agreed...

we'll get one cheese pizza,

one with pepperoni and
mushrooms, and one with olives.

Super Acquaintances,
we need your help.

Holy halibut... it's the Chief!

Thank you
for the introduction, Quickster,

but we all know who I am.

More to the point, we've got
news on the whereabouts of EVIL.

The whoseabouts of what?

You just tell us
where they are, Chief,

and we'll hog-tie them faster
than you can say "salsa verde."

Our sources last saw EVIL

harassing teenagers
up at Make-Out Reef.

You know, Make-Out Reef?

( kissing noisily )

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Floppin' flounder, Mermaidman...
Make-Out Reef!

Those fiends!

Attacking hormonally
stressed-out children!

Ahh... Make-Out Reef.

Good times, good times.

To Make-Out Reef!

Away!

PATRICK:
Does this mean
we're not getting pizza?

Stop it! Leave
us alone!

Please,
stop! Please!

ALL:
John and Nancy sitting
in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Oh, shine the flashlight
in that car, Man Ray!

( laughs evilly )

With pleasure.

( kissing loudly )

Hey, man, that's not cool.

( all laughing )

MERMAIDMAN:
Leave those young lovers alone!

MAN RAY:
Well, if it
isn't Milkmaid Man.

You've saved us
the trouble

of tracking you down.

You fiends can't win!

You're outnumbered!

MAN RAY:
You senile bag
of fish paste!

There are three of us
and only one of you!

Make that two!

The Quickster!

( rumbling )

Three!

Captain Magma!

Four!

The Elastic Waistband!

Five!

ALL ( stammering ):
M-M-Miss Appear?!

And me makes ten, I think.

Uh-oh.

I don't feel so good about this.

Oh, there goes our toy deal.

Super Acquaintances, attack!

Oh, no!

Please, mercy!

Krakatoa!

( rumbling )

( lava hissing )

( screaming )

Get it off! Get it off!
Get it off! Get it off!

Get it off! Get it off!
Get it off!

Get it off! Get it off!
Get it off!

I'll save you, Quickster!

What...?

( straining )

Whoa!

( Patrick grunting
and shouting )

Whoa...!

I'll cool you off, Quickster,
with one of my water balls!

Uh... ah...

Uh...

Aha!

Huh?

No-no, no-no!

I'm not the Quickster,
I'm Captain Mag... ma.

( wheezing )

Well, I guess it's up to me.

I'll just sneak over, unseen,
and catch them by surprise.

( tires squealing )

( Sandy screaming, falling )

( crash )

SPONGEBOB:
Get it off! Get it off!

Get it off!

( shoes squeaking )

( SpongeBob gasping )

Whew, glad that's over.

( crickets chirping )

We... we did it, we won.

This day belongs to EVIL!

( Barnacleboy cackling )

You've lost, Mermaidman.

And the superhero-
super-villain rules say that

you have to give in
to my demands.

Okay, what do you want?

World domination!

Tell him we want
world domination!

Oh, and make him eat dirt!

In addition to the
domination thing.

Number one: I want to be
treated like a superhero,

not a sidekick.

Number two: I want
to be called Barnacleman.

And number three...

Come on, domination.

I want an adult-sized
Krabby Patty.

Did you hear him say

anything about eating dirt?

Need a hand?

Super pal?

( sniffling )

Good to have you
back on the side
of justice, Kyle.

Let's go get you
that Krabby Patty.

Was that it?

I feel sick.

Oh, this reminds me
of the time

I went to Cancún with
the k*ller Shrimp.

Oh, they had these
papaya drinks

that were to die for.
Oh, Neptune, shut up!

( chewing noisily ):
Mmm.

How is that adult-sized
Krabby Patty

treating you,

Barnacle... man?

Actually, it's pretty big.

l'm not sure I can
finish the whole thing.

( laughing )

( both laughing )

( all laughing )

( laughing )

( laughing evilly )

( kissing loudly )

( laughing maniacally )