03x09 - Big Max Calvada

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Wait a minute.

Sal, you don't mean that we'll end the show with a riddle

every week. - Mhm.

- What kind of riddles? - Any kind.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Hi, Marge.

Oh, Rob, there's a Mr. Maxwell Calvada outside to see.

- Maxwell Calvada? - Yeah.

Uh, well, tell her to have him wait.

Have him wait.

All right.

What kind of riddles?

Hey, who's Maxwell Calvada?

No. No, no.

Not like that.

I mean riddles like, what is big and green

and, uh, has a big trunk?

An unripe elephant.

Yeah, like that, only good ones.

Maxwell Calvada.

Is he in television?

No, I think he's got something to do with the government.

Yeah, the government. The Senate?

I got it.

- Senator Calvada, right? - No.

Big Max Calvada.

Boy, have you seen him on television.

He was a guy on the racket investigations, remember?

Oh.

That's right.

They kept him on the stand something like six days.

That's the guy.

Yeah, but he never answered one question.

The papers called him Fifth Amendment Calvada.

Yeah, and they never pinned one thing on him.

Yeah.

Big Max Calvada.

I, uh, wonder why he's waiting to see you.

Because I told him to wait.

I don't think that's a thing a person

ought to do to Big Max Calvada. - No, no.

I'd better get him.

My name is Maxwell Calvada.

I assume you're Robert Petrie.

[stuttering]

Yeah.

This is my associate, Bernard.

Oh, uh, h-- hi, Bernard, how are you?

Oh, excuse me.

These are my associates.

This is Sally and Buddy.

Say hello.

I know you all very well by reputation.

Likewise.

He means, uh, we're very pleased to meet you.

Well, uh, I--

I guess we've all been introduced, all right.

Yeah.

[nervous laughter]

All right.

Now that we've exchanged pleasantries,

let's get down to business.

Uh, business?

Yeah, let's get down to business.

But first, uh, give me the pleasure of assisting

a lovely lady to her seat.

Oh, uh, thank you very much, Mr. Calvada.

It's nice to have a gentleman around here.

Thank Edmund Burke and his reflections

on the French Revolution.

He said, "the age of chivalry is gone,

and that of sophisters, economists, and calculators

has succeeded."

That Burke sure knew his potatoes.

You-- you sure do know your break--

Burke.

Are you surprised?

No, no.

OK.

Let's knock off the symposium.

Let's get down to business.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Calvada.

I just can't imagine what kind of business you have with us.

Oh, no?

Why not?

This is it!

What are you doing?

Clowning around?

She's clowning around.

Yeah. You bet.

We're just clowning around.

Well, you see, I find it very convenient

to have my associate here transcribe

a shorthand record of any business conversations

we may have.

It saves a lot of discussion later.

That's, uh, a very good idea.

Head this one "Preliminary meeting,

Petries, Rogers, and Sorrell."

That's Sorrell with two L's.

Or-- or one.

It makes no difference.

I'm not too crazy about the name, anyway.

File number KD431.

KD, that stands for Kenneth Dexter.

That's the guy I'm here to see you about.

We never heard of him, right? We never--

I-- I don't know who he is.

No, I never went out with a Kenny Dexter.

Of course, a lot of fellas don't give their right names.

Kenneth Dexter is my nephew.

He's my sister, Sylvia's boy.

You have a sister?

Well, sure.

She's a college graduate.

And it's Kenneth's ambition to go into show business

as a comedian.

The kid breaks me up.

That is where you come in.

You see, I have, for a long time,

been a fan of "The Alan Brady Show."

Although his particular charm eludes me,

I've always found the writing to be at the highest caliber.

Gee, how about that?

Isn't that a relief-- uh, compliment.

I like your collective style.

It's neither too esoteric nor too mundane.

Pragmatically speaking, it hits me right in the gut.

It breaks him up.

That's why I've decided that if Kenneth is going

to be a comedian and go into show business,

I want you to write his act.

Us?

[stuttering]

Us?

Uh, Mr. Calvada, this-- it--

that comes as kind of a surprise to us.

We, uh-- we, uh, you know, have a lot of other work to be done.

I, uh-- would you care if we discuss that?

No, no. Go ahead.

Discuss it. - Oh, thank you very much.

Uh.

Uh, uh, would you like to-- uh, no, you probably wouldn't.

No use making them wait out in the hall.

Go ahead.

Discuss it.

Oh, well, uh, all right.

Hey, Sal, what do you think?

Oh, gosh, Rob. I-- I don't know.

What do you think, Buddy?

Oh, sure, I--

I agree with Rob.

Well, there's one thing we-- another--

that we got to consider is money.

You know, because we already have a job.

Yeah, "The Alan Brady Show."

Yeah, we've got an exclusive contract.

- Yeah. - That's right.

That could be worked out.

Of course, I imagine that could be worked out.

I think so.

I imagine Mr. Calvada knows Alan Brady.

He knows me.

And I suppose that Alan knows him, too.

Oh, sure.

Then there's the matter of money.

We're going to have to charge an awful lot of money.

- Oh, yeah. - A fortune.

Don't forget there's three of us.

We get a lot of loot for the three.

Yeah. MR. CALVADA: Money is no object.

I would imagine that money is probably no object.

No, I don't think so.

No.

Rob.

I couldn't help but overhear your discussion.

And, uh, you seem to be having a little trouble

arriving at a decision.

Well, I certainly hope you can see it my way.

How-- how, uh--

how upset would you be if-- if we didn't?

Well, upset isn't the right word.

Since I've been under analysis, the worst I ever get is cranky.

Cranky?

Yeah, like-- like a kid might get.

Like-- like this, uh, boy of yours might get.

That's your son, Ritchie.

Yeah, that's Rich, my boy.

Uh-huh.

He's the spitting image of your lovely wife, Laura.

Oh-- do-- do you know my wife and my lovely Ritchie?

Yeah.

I make it a practice to learn as much as I can

about my business associates.

[sighing]

It's unanimous, you guys, right?

Right, you bet.

We're looking forward to it.

Yeah.

When do we get to meet Mr. Dex--

Dexter-- Kenny?

Well, I told him to drop in here on you noon tomorrow.

The kid'll break you up.

He will?

Oh, he'll make us laugh.

Oh.

[nervous laughter]

I can no other answer make but thanks and thanks

and ever thanks.

That's Shakespeare.

Do a good job.

Bernard.

[clearing throat]

Some are born great.

Some, uh, achieve greatness.

And, uh, others have greatness thrust upon them.

Al Capone.

Rob, dinner's almost ready.

How can you think of food at a time like this?

Darling, all you had to do was say no to Mr. Calvada.

There are some people you don't say no to.

Max Calvada happens to be one of them.

Oh, Rob, for heaven's sake.

This isn't the roaring '20s.

It's the 1960s.

That's right.

And I'd like to be held over for the '70s.

Rob, he didn't really thr*aten you, did he?

He took a long, long look at the picture of Ritchie.

He did?

Yeah.

That's the way they get to you, you know.

They thr*aten your family.

You know what he said about you?

What?

He said you were lovely.

That's what he said.

He said I was lovely?

That's right.

How did he know?

I mean, how did he know?

Honey, they have ways.

They've got a lot of ways to find

out when a person is lovely.

Well, anyway, Rob, what kind of a thr*at is that?

It's a compliment.

Not the way he said it.

It was no compliment, honey.

But-- is there some way you could get out of it?

Honey, if I could get out of it,

I wouldn't have to get out of it,

because I wouldn't have got into it in the first place.

Rob, you know, we're being silly.

You have nothing to worry about because you

agreed to do the show.

Honey, I got a-- what if it's no good?

I got a feeling if our jokes die,

we're going to go with them.

Why should your jokes die?

You're all good writers.

What if his nephew is a no-good comedian?

What about that?

Well, he must have something.

Oh, he's got something, all right.

A tough uncle.

You're not really that nervous, are you?

Not nervous?

When's the last time you saw me put on a tie to take a shower?

OK, Marge, send him in.

Well, our great comedian Kenny Dexter is on his way.

Boy, I sure hope he's got some talent.

It'll sure help.

I got a feeling this kid is the worst

comic since the history of show business.

Wait a minute.

Don't forget I saw you.

I'm willing to bet you 10 bucks

he's worse than I ever was.

I'll take that bet.

(IMITATING MOBSTER) All right, you dirty rat.

Just give me the jokes.

Because I got a rod in my pocket, see?

And it's curtains for you.

It's a curtain rod.

Uh, Kenny?

(IMITATING JERRY LEWIS) Kenny? Kenny?

I don't see a Kenny around here any place.

It's just me, and I'm looking for Dean.

Oh, Dean.

Dean, boys, where are you, Dean?

Oh, Dean.

I know you're around here someplace, Dean.

Say, that's very good, Kenny.

You do impressions, huh?

Can you do Jerry Lewis?

[nervous laughter]

(NORMAL VOICE) Oh, I just--

ha, ha, ha.

You're putting me on.

You have my act ready yet?

Well, no.

Well, we thought we'd like to meet

you, Kenny, and find out what kind of a performer you are.

Well, people say I'm kind of a cross between Danny Kaye, Red

Skelton, and Sammy Davis Jr.

This kid don't need an act.

He needs a large dressing room.

Hey, you know, I'm glad you didn't write my act yet.

See, because I got some great ideas.

Now, the way I see it, the act should open with a dark stage.

Then a drum roll.

[imitating drum roll]

Then, a spotlight hits me.

And there I am in my white tuxedo.

What a target.

Then I go into my opening number, see? (SINGING)

I will bring you some laughter.

It's your applause that I'm--

Oh, you sing, huh, Kenny?

Yeah.

I've been taking voice lessons for 3 and 1/2 weeks.

He's ready then.

Listen, Kenny, uh, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you let us think up-- sit down, Ken.

Uh.

OK, second meeting, Rogers, Petrie, and Sorrell.

It's with two L's.

How's everything going?

Oh, just great.

They really dig me, Uncle Max.

Yeah, that's nice.

How is it going, Robert?

Well, uh, Mr. Calvada.

I haven't had an opportunity to see a lot of young, uh,

performers.

But Kenny is really, really something.

What?

Well, uh, he-- he's kind of a, uh,

combination of, uh, Danny Kaye and, uh, Red

Skelton and Sammy Davis, Jr.

Yeah, he's kind of like a one man "Ed Sullivan Show."

Hey, I do him, too. (IMITATING ED SULLIVAN)

Next on our really big show here tonight, we're going to have--

Have a nice show.

He's opening at the Diamond Club.

The Diamond Club?

Uh, you weren't thinking of opening Kenny

at the Diamond Club, were you?

Who's not thinking of it?

Mr. Calvada, I'll tell you.

The Diamond spot is-- is one of the-- the top spots around.

And-- and Kenny--

I mean, gifted as he may be-- is an unknown.

I know him.

And, coincidentally, the performer

who is currently appearing there took sick next week.

Well, Mr. Calvada, couldn't-- couldn't he-- you--

couldn't he be sick in two weeks?

Oh, sorry.

His disease has already been arranged for.

Mr. Calvada, I don't think that will be fair to Kenny.

He can't learn a whole act in one week.

Well, I guess I could reschedule his disease.

OK.

You got two weeks.

Bernard.

Come on, Kenny.

Hey, I got one more. (IMITATING YOGI BEAR)

Hey, hey, hey.

Smarter than the average b-- (NORMAL VOICE) OK, Uncle Max.

Two weeks.

Good luck.

The kid breaks me up.

Well, I'd call the cops, but I don't know what to tell them.

We might as well get started, you guys.

But what are we going to write?

Our wills.

[quiet laughter]

(QUIETLY) That's funny.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Buddy.

No, I wasn't asleep.

No.

You've got an idea?

Look.

Let me take it in the living room.

Laura's asleep. I don't want to wake her up.

I'm awake.

She's awake.

Honey, I'm sorry. Look it.

Buddy's got an idea.

I'll take it in the living room.

No, no.

As long as I'm up, I might as well know what's going on.

OK.

Hello, Buddy?

What's your idea?

Oh, that's cute.

What is that again?

Secaucus, Schenectady, and Chicago.

[laughter]

It's very good.

OK.

Bye.

Talk to you about it in the morning.

Leaving town?

Huh?

Oh, no.

Buddy's got an idea for a bit here.

A train announcer who has an allergy.

Yeah?

And so when he announces the trains,

he can't say the stations. He sneezes them.

Well, like what?

Well, like, he'd say, all aboard for--

(SNEEZING) Schenectady.

Ugh.

All aboard for--

Ch-- (SNEEZING) Ch--

Ch-- Chicago.

Ugh.

That's wonderful, Rob.

Try Wichita.

Oh, that's a good one.

All aboard for W--

all aboard for W--

for-- Wich--

Wichita!

Oh, Rob, that's wonderful.

Darling, in fact, all the stuff you showed me tonight

just sounds great.

All these things that you've written for him are marvelous.

He's going to be a big hit.

We'll find out at the Diamond Club.

Darling, get some sleep.

Oh, I will a little later, honey.

I've still got to go over some more ideas.

[laughing]

Oh, Rob, that's funny.

What's funny?

That's nervous.

[chatter]

No.

Another drink for everyone?

Yeah-- yeah, I'd like another one.

I might as well, yeah.

It might put us in a mellow mood.

You know, more receptive.

Same thing all around.

And for Mrs. Calvada, a black rhinoceros.

WAITER: Yes, sir.

Anything else, sir?

Start the show.

[snapping]

[music playing]

ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's showtime.

Good luck. [nervous laughter]

ANNOUNCER: The comedy star of our show

will not appear tonight due to an unexpected illness.

However, in his place, the Diamond Club

is proud to present the fastest rising

comic in show business, the multi-talented Kenny Dexter.

[applause]

[music playing]

(SINGING OFF-KEY) I will bring you some laughter.

It's your applause that I'm after.

I'll sing, and I'll clown, chase away every frown

until I hear you say, encore.

Because I'm a kind of a guy who will say hi,

be out all night on the floor.

Because I love to hear you say, encore.

Yeah.

[applause]

Bernard.

Make a note.

First thing tomorrow, I want to talk to Kenny's voice teacher.

Thank you very much, folks.

My name is Kenny Dexter.

[laughter]

He's got a great delivery.

Wonderful.

I'd like, at this time, ladies and gentlemen,

to give you my impression of a train announcer

who announces trains at a railroad station.

[sneezing]

Oh, yeah.

I almost forgot.

Oh, this train announcer, see?

He has an allergy.

And every time he sneezes, he sneezes out the train station--

the stop.

And here's the first one.

It's really funny.

Watch this.

Ah-- ah-- cha--

Schenectady!

[nervous laughter]

See what I mean?

See what I mean?

Ah-- ah-- ah-choo, Buffalo!

See?

Ah-- ah-- ch--

Wichita, ahchoo.

[nervous laughter]

What is this?

An audience or a jury?

[music playing]

(SINGING) Because I'm the kind of a guy

who will loosen his tie, stay out all night on the floor.

Because I love to hear you say, encore.

Yeah.

[applause]

Hey, encore!

Wonderful.

Wonderful.

Well, my dear, what do you think of our nephew?

He stinks.

Well, we certainly have had a wonderful evening, Mr. Calvada.

We hate to eat and run, but we've got to be going home.

Just a moment. Just a moment.

Sit down.

Uh, Mrs. Petrie, I've taken the liberty of arranging

for your transportation home, because these folks

have to stay on with me for a little business discussion.

Well, here-- here tonight?

Right now while the memory of Kenneth's debut

is still fresh in our mind.

It'll stay fresh in our mind.

Forever.

I want it now.

Because as Macbeth said, if it were done, when 'tis done,

'twere better that it were done quickly.

Lloyd, do you mind letting us use your office for a minute?

Sure, Max, sure.

Nice meeting you folks.

All right, Bernard, head this one "Rogers, Petrie,

Sorrell, final meeting."

Final meeting?

Could we have lunch once in a while?

Go ahead.

Sit.

I guess we are all agreed that Kenneth's

debut here tonight was something less than a smash, eh?

What do you say, Robert?

Oh.

Well.

I was-- there-- it was a little hard for us to say.

You know, we've been awfully close to working

with, uh, Kenny all the time.

I think there's much can be said, of course,

uh, about Kenny.

That he, uh-- he looked good.

Don't you think he looked good?

Oh, he looked great.

White's your color, kid.

Yeah.

I think we're all agreed that Kenneth looked good.

Thank you.

You know, in that one thing--

Shut up.

Now, uh, about the act--

Oh, well, I, uh--

I think he's--

I thought that the, uh, lighting was--

was, uh, brilliant-- brilliant.

And I really would like to compliment the orchestra.

Oh, weren't they marvelous?

The trumpet player was just--

Never missed a b*at.

Yeah.

About his performance.

Well, uh-- I-- his performance, I think it--

it was sort of, uh--

uh, rotten.

Sort of what?

Rotten.

Rotten, eh?

Why?

Well, I-- it might have been opening night jitters even.

Or maybe that's not his room in there.

You-- I--

And maybe the material was bad?

We could rewrite the material.

No.

Hold it a minute.

Mr. Calvada, there-- there was nothing wrong with the material

we wrote for Kenny.

Oh, is that so?

Yeah, that's right.

That's right.

I think you might as well know the truth.

There was something lacking in the way Kenny performed it.

What's that?

Well, talent.

I don't think that Kenny has much.

Or at least he didn't have enough.

I-- I'm sorry, Kenny.

And I'm sorry, Mr. Calvada.

But I think somebody should have told him a long time ago

and saved a lot of time and effort.

Oh, that's what you think?

Yeah, that's what I think.

And, uh, well, they agree with me.

Don't you, you guys? - I-- I don't

Well, you see, Rob--

Well, they agree with me.

And the-- well, the whole audience in there--

they-- and my wife--

your wife.

Yeah, your wife said he stinks.

Stinks, yeah.

I agree.

He stinks.

I-- Kenny, I-- it's nothing personal with you.

I mean, it's just-- that's just the way it is.

- I think you've said enough. - I have.

I have.

Yeah, I hope you take this in the spirit

in which it was, uh, given.

Do you?

I-- I don't want to destroy anybody here.

And I fervently hope you feel the same way.

All right, Robert.

I'm going to give it to you straight.

Straight?

Yeah.

I agree with every word you said.

You do?

Well, then why are you trying to get him in--

in show business?

I'm trying to get him out of show business and into college.

Tell them what our deal is, Kenneth.

Well, I always said I'd be great

if I had the right chance, you know, with good writers,

a big nightclub--

And a $300 white suit.

Well, my parents and Uncle Max--

they wanted me to go on to college and study accounting,

see?

So we made this deal.

If I didn't make it tonight, then I forget about show

business for a while.

Well, now I think I ought to have something else

to fall back on just in case.

I don't know.

The kid still breaks me up.

You know, maybe tonight wasn't a fair test, Uncle Max.

I was nervous out there.

Oh?

Well, are you nervous now?

No.

Well, go ahead.

Give it to us again.

Give us that big finish.

Let's hear it.

You mean, from when the band starts coming back in?

Yeah.

(SINGING OFF KEY) Da, da. 'Cause I love to hear you say,

encore.

Take off the white suit.

I'd offer you a drink, but I know you

don't want to stay any later.

Your wives must be waiting for you.

- Yeah. - That's right.

We'd better go, you guys.

Yeah, I got a cat that worries, too.

Yeah.

So, uh, uh, Bernard.

[music playing]