03x25 - The Plots Thicken

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Here, dear. Here's mine.

- Thank you. - Go and help your mother, Rich.

Now, hold it. Hold it.

We're not through.

One more toast.

Oh, Sam, you've already made nine toasts.

Ah, you know what they call me at the lodge, Sam

Petrie, the a*t*matic toaster.

Put a glass in my hand and I pop up.

You've nothing in your glass.

It's empty.

It's not what's in your glass, dear.

It's what's in your heart.

I can toast with an empty hand.

Oh, Sam.

This is the big one, Clara.

The-- oh, oh, oh--

Oh, Rob, your father's about to make a toast

that concerns you and Laura.

Um, better-- better get Laura in here.

OK.

Hey, honey, would you come in here.

Dad's going to make a special toast just for us.

Ah, well, what's this all about?

All right, now, everybody raise your glasses.

Uh, Sam.

Oh, young man, go to my car, look in the glove compartment,

and bring me my flashlight.

That's a good toast.

Can I play taxi a little?

Sure, you can play taxi.

Oh boy.

Uh, Dad, why do you need a flashlight?

Because what I have to say is not for young ears.

Oh.

Now, come on, Sam.

Beloved children, here's to our future home together.

Are you moving in with us?

You hear that, Clara.

Well, of course not, honey.

You aren't are you, Dad?

No, of course not.

We are planning on you and Laura moving in with us.

I'm afraid I didn't understand a toast, Dad.

We're really very happy here.

Of course you are.

Oh, Sam, you're such a tease when you have good news.

Now, come on and tell the children the whole story.

Ah. don't rush me, Clara.

Don't rush me.

Robbie, you remember that crazy insurance policy I had.

Well, you mean the one you paid $0.58 a week on?

Well, it finally came to maturity.

So I've taken the money and I've made a little land investment.

What kind of land did you buy?

You remember the Rocky Meadow Golf Course?

You bought a golf course?

Well, no, a friend of mine did.

So I bought a nice little piece of it from him.

That's wonderful, Dad.

But how much land did you buy?

That policy could have been worth very much.

It was worth $692.

What-- that won't buy very much land, will it?

Enough for all the Petrie's to lie down in comfort

with room left over for pretty fancy headstones.

Oh, you-- you bought a cemetery plot?

Robbie, you remember the 15th hole along par 5?

The one that had a dogleg to the right?

That's the one.

Well now, we are right at the dogleg,

overlooking the water hazard.

Your father always had such trouble with that hole.

I couldn't b*at it, so I bought it.

It gives me such a wonderful feeling of security

to know that when the time comes,

I'll be surrounded by loved by my ones.

We're putting your mother right in the middle.

What do you say, Rob?

[stuttering] It's a good idea, Dad.

Laura and I just never discussed that aspect of life--

or whatever it's-- [stuttering].

Sure, now you don't have to.

It's all taken care of.

It, uh, uh-- what's the matter Laura?

Laura, does this kind of talk upset you?

Well, it-- it just kind of took me by surprise.

I mean, I really wasn't prepared to--

Laura, this is something all of us

have to be prepared for at all times.

Well, Dad, you see, frankly, I--

You know, frankly, Dad, I don't think she was prepared

to drink a toast to it.

Yeah.

Well, I-- I guess I did make it sound a little glamorous.

Yeah, like we all couldn't wait to get there.

Yeah, I'm in no hurry, believe me.

And I think that subject should be dead--

I think we should drop the subject [inaudible] for now.

Anyway, we'd all be sure that we'll

all be together on a 15th hole at Rocky Meadow Rest.

Fore.

Goodnight.

Call you this weekend.

[sighs]

You know something, that was the most pleasant day we

have ever spent with our folks.

Wonder who's beginning to adjust to who.

You know my mother actually complimented you on how

neat the house was tonight?

No, she didn't.

Well, I mean, she didn't come out and say it.

But it's the first time she hasn't picked up a rag

and gone around dusting everything.

That's true.

Rob, are you aware of the fact that your mother

and father have left us with a big problem?

What problem?

Well, I didn't want to say anything while they were here.

And you've obviously forgotten.

About what?

My dowry.

What dowry?

All I remember is a $75 w*r bond.

Yeah, well, besides the w*r bond,

my mother and father gave us an adjoining plot next to them

at Lexington Lawns.

Oh-- oh-ho-- oh, that's why you weren't

so thrilled about my dad's big surprise tonight, huh?

[chuckling]

Hey, how about that?

We're a two-plot family now.

This really isn't funny.

I mean, I suppose it's not hilarious.

But honey, it's not very serious either.

All right, then, as long as you feel it's not

a serious problem, then you tell your parents that we won't be

a part of their foursome, hmm?

Why should I do that?

Oh, I guess you'd rather that I tell my mother and father--

who, incidentally, had first call--

that we won't be joining them, so to speak.

Oh, I see what you mean.

Well, I still say, honey, it's not very serious.

We got plenty of time to decide where we're going to be buried.

You didn't promise your folks, did you?

No, no.

Not officially.

They just said it was there for us

whenever we felt like using it.

Well, I-- I wouldn't call that a commitment.

And I didn't exactly promise my folks either,

so the whole discussion here is not really necessary.

We got plenty of time to settle it.

Well, they're coming for dinner Friday.

What do we say about it?

Nothing, honey.

They don't know that it's a competition yet.

And they don't have to know.

Maybe they never have to.

How are you going to manage that?

Well, I haven't told you, my dear,

but I've been working on a longevity theorem.

Oh, yeah.

It's for you, Rob.

Hello?

How are you coming with your serum?

ROB (ON PHONE): What serum?

The longevity serum that's going to solve our problem.

What happened?

My father just called.

It seems he played golf with your father.

And when they got to the 15th hole,

Oh, boy.

Was he upset?

Rob, he was really crushed.

Well, honey, did you tell him that we-- we didn't decide yet.

Decide what?

Where to be buried.

Honey, would you--

I don't see why he has to get angry, you know,

when we haven't even made a decision about it.

Rob, he's angry that there's a decision to make.

Look, they're coming to dinner tonight.

Now, what are we going to do?

I don't know right now.

Let me think about it.

And listen, you think too, will you.

I'll call you back.

Bye.

Hey, uh, Rob, I don't want to be nosy,

but how come a nice healthy fellow

like you wants to get buried.

Yeah, it's such a waste.

It is just plain crazy.

I've never heard of anybody who had this problem before.

My dead Uncle Henry had it.

What are you talking about?

You're looking at the proud owner of two cemetery plots.

You mean, you got another one beside the one

the union gave us?

Make that three.

They-- wait a minute, make it four.

I'm also a veteran.

[whistles]

Four plots, don't you think that's a bit gaudy?

Well, wait, you can always build on the other three.

You got to admit, it's pretty original.

Original?

It's adorable.

Now, can we change the subject, please?

Boy, thank goodness I got nothing to worry about.

When my time comes, I'll be taken

care of by my home food plan.

I won't even have to leave the house.

They'll just stick me in the freezer.

Ah, Buddy, that's terrible.

No, it isn't.

I'll be wearing a mackinaw.

Will you cut it out?

Now, Cut it out, you ghouls.

Hey Rob, beside the union and the Army,

where else you got reservations?

Well, let's see, my folks and Laura's folks

have both extended invitations.

You mean, they're fighting over who gets you?

Well, they're going to if I don't

figure some way out of it.

Easy, you go with your folks, she'll go with her folks.

No.

No, married couples should be together.

Oh, no, not Pickles and me.

In the ceremony it says, till death do us part.

And I'm grabbing it [inaudible].

That's enough already, Buddy.

Oh, no.

I'm supposed to rest in peace.

And besides, we've got a small freezer.

Fellas-- fellas, I don't want to be a spoilsport, but please,

this whole subject just doesn't thrill me huh?

Believe me, I would never have brought the whole thing up,

except I do have this problem of how

to keep peace in my own family.

Buy a mammoth food locker.

Will you shut up.

Or--

Buddy, one more death joke and I'll k*ll you.

Jeez, not today, we're defrosting.

[yelling]

Hey, listen, could you two guys

come over to dinner tonight?

What's the occasion?

Well, Laura's folks are coming to dinner.

And if you're there, they can't talk about the whole thing.

Uh, count me out.

I don't want to be there to stop people

from talking about something I don't want to think about.

But I'll be thinking about it, because I'll be stopping them

from talking about it, you see.

Uh, you're, uh-- you're not coming.

You guessed it.

I don't blame you much.

How about you, Buddy?

You wouldn't want me, Rob.

Whenever there's something you're not supposed

to talk about, I talk about it.

OK, you two cowards, I'll face them by myself then.

All right, look, fellas, could we

please drop this morbid subject and get back to work, please.

Gladly.

All right, let's get some lines for a supermarket

sketch with Alan. - Good.

Wait a minute.

Wait, I got it.

Alan walks in the supermarket, and he says to the boss, hey,

you got any empty boxes?

[gasps]

Hi, honey.

Hi.

How are your folks?

They're in Ritchie's room.

They say anything about anything?

They have said nothing about nothing.

I think the only one they're talking to is Rich.

Why?

That's ridiculous.

They can't be that angry.

Rob, they came in here, told me I look a little pale,

and then went in to say hello to Ritchie's turtles.

I think we're in for a very depressing evening.

Well, don't worry about it, honey.

I'll try and kid them out of it.

If only your father hadn't said anything.

How could you not say anything?

You saw how excited he was with his big news.

Well, as excited as your parents

were, that's how depressed mine are.

Well, I'll try and un-depress them I guess.

How?

Well, I'll tell them that we haven't

made any commitment yet.

We're up for grabs.

Oh, that's not going to make them happy.

Grandma and grandpa want to know if dinner's ready.

You see.

Ritchie, would you tell them that daddy's home?

They know.

They heard his car.

Is dinner ready?

Uh, yes, Ritchie.

It's ready.

No, Rich.

It's not ready.

That's no way to tell guests that dinner's ready.

I'm sorry.

Anyway, we're going to have hor d'oeuvres first.

Can I play until the real food comes?

Yes, dear, why don't you.

Well, hi, folks.

How are things?

Well, how about a drink huh?

Would you like a--

No, thank you.

Uh, you sound like you got a cold there, mom.

I got something great for a cold over there.

She doesn't have a cold.

Oh, well, I thought she was sniffing there.

Mother isn't sniffing because she has a cold.

Mother, would you like an hor d'oeuvres?

Mom, I made them myself.

Yes, she did.

She made them herself.

She's quite a girl, that one. You ought to try them.

They're delicious.

Honey, what is that?

That's wonderful. - Cream cheese.

Mm, that's great.

You ought to have one, mom.

Mother hasn't been feeling well lately.

Oh, really?

Since when, mother?

Since I got back from the golf course.

Well, I-- I hope it's nothing serious.

Serious?

Who can say what's serious?

[coughing]

Folks, I'd like, if I may, to discuss

the problem my father brought up on the 15th hole with you

today.

[crying]

Rob, can I speak to you in the kitchen for a moment?

Wherever you wish.

Rob, what are you going to say to him.

I'm just going to listen to what he says, obviously.

He wants to get the whole thing settled.

Rob, don't hurt him.

Take care of your mother.

Sit down, Rob.

Oh, yes.

You made a reference in there about your father

and me playing golf together. - Yes.

Yes, I did.

And you specifically mentioned the 15th hole.

Yeah.

You're obviously alluding to the matter that was discussed

between your father and me.

Yeah, dad, as a matter of fact, I was.

I'm glad you brought it up, because it gives me

the opportunity right here and now to tell you that I

don't want to talk about it.

Well, I-- you don't want to talk about it?

That's right.

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, why did you bring me in here?

To tell you I don't want to talk about it.

It's too painful a subject.

Not for me, but I want to spare that woman

in there-- that poor woman.

Well, look, dad, I didn't want to talk about it either.

But after seeing the way it's affected you two,

I think we ought to talk about it.

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, I mean, that piece of land--

You're talking about it.

How are we going to settle anything

if we don't talk about it?

Rob, as far as that woman in there and I are concerned,

it is settled.

Obviously, it isn't settled or we

wouldn't be talking about it.

We're not talking about it.

What are we talking about?

Something I never wanted to talk about.

What's that?

Something that woman has felt for years.

Well, can we talk about it?

Maybe it's time we did.

Rob, what are you serving us for dinner tonight?

Huh?

Now, just answer the question.

What are you serving us for dinner?

Well, uh, I don't know.

I have to look and see.

I don't know which--

oh, roasted chicken.

Mm, yeah, and when your parents were here,

what did you serve them?

Uh, I don't remember.

You don't remember or you don't want to remember?

Well, uh, steak.

There's your answer.

They're steak, and we're chicken.

Wait a minute.

Are you trying to say Laura and I

put my mother and father above you

and-- and that woman in there?

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, you're not.

What did you say to him?

I didn't say anything.

Well, then, what did he say to you?

I don't want to talk about it.

Rob, we've got to talk about it.

Not me, honey.

That's what he said.

I don't want to talk about it.

I want to talk about it.

He didn't want to talk about it, honey.

It's silly.

We've got to figure out some way to get this whole thing out

into the open.

Well, don't worry about it, darling.

In about a half an hour, the whole thing

is going to explode wide open.

What did your mother say?

No, dear, not my mother, your mother.

My mother?

She just called to say that in a half an hour

she and your father are coming over to talk about it.

Any suggestions?

I don't want to talk about it.

Why are you making dessert?

They're not going to eat anything.

Well, I know.

But if we don't serve them a fancy dessert

they can turn down, they'll be sure we don't love them.

You know, I don't know how you turned out so nice.

Your folks are impossible.

Well, they're just sensitive.

Listen, why did you kick me when I started to tell them

that your folks were coming?

Because, honey, the mood they're in,

they would have got right up and walked out of here.

I think it's time we got this whole thing settled right now.

It's not those cemetery plots.

They're secondary.

It's our whole relationship with them

that needs straightening out.

And I think we ought to get it out in the open right

here and now.

Well, I agree too, darling.

But I think that we ought to give

my folks the courtesy of leaving if they want to leave.

After all, your parents know that mine are here.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, I guess they're in no mood for any surprises tonight.

OK, I'll tell them.

I better take some fancy dessert in there

to kind of pave the way for me.

[sighs]

Well, here we are, dessert time.

[doorbell rings]

And by the way, my folks are coming.

Your parents?

I think they're here now.

Mother, get your things.

Oh, dad, come on.

Please don't leave.

Look, I made your favorite dessert, strawberry parfait.

Mother, talk to him.

Where did we go wrong?

Oh.

Hi, folks.

Well, Rob.

[interposing voices]

Good to see you.

Well, may you say the same on your 100th birthday,

and may I be here to say thank you.

Why hello there, Meehan, Mrs. Meehan.

Dan, Clara, don't bother to close the door, Rob.

We're leaving.

Oh, dad, please.

You don't have to go.

Oh, stay just a little while.

Uh, honey, put up a pot of fresh coffee, huh?

Sure, now they'll have some fresh coffee.

Say, uh, Meehan, did you tell the kids what happened

on the golf course today. [cries]

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, you know, I don't blame you.

If I was beaten by 10 strokes, I don't think I'd

want to talk about it either.

Oh, I don't believe you.

Dad's always been a much better golfer than you.

Well, he is.

Matter of fact, he was b*ating me.

And then suddenly, on the 15th hole--

[cries]

--he blew sky high.

15th hole.

Oh, it's a tough hole, honey.

He was taking divets so deep, you could have buried a person.

My dear, we're going.

Wh-- wh-- wait a minute.

I don't think leaving is going to accomplish anything.

I don't want that woman upset by this kind of talk.

Oh, dad.

I'm sure he didn't mean it the way it sounded.

Oh, yes, I did.

Now there's enough b*ating around the bush.

I would like to discuss our plans

for here after here and now.

Richie, take your grandmother to your room

and show her your turtles.

Yeah, OK.

I don't want to see your turtles.

Oh, not that one.

That one.

Oh, come one grandma.

And don't drop him on the floor.

They'll die.

Oh!

Say, Robby, is what your father-in-law told

me on the golf course today--

Please, that poor woman has been through enough today.

Can't we just sit down and discuss

this calmly and intelligently?

Rob is right.

There is absolutely no--

There is no need for any kind of discussion

as far as I can see.

Oh, isn't there?

The facts are clear.

We Meehans have had a family resting place

at Lexington long since the time of the revolution.

But dad, our family came over in 1916.

That's right.

The Irish revolution.

What's that got to do with anything?

Only that the provisions we made

are sound and have a fine tradition behind them.

Are you saying that my burial plot is some kind of a joke?

Well, what would you say to being buried

in the middle of a golf course?

I'd say it was sporting.

It's grotesque.

Grotesque?

But even if it were Mount Olympus it

wouldn't change a thing.

Slamming tables is no argument, Meehan.

All right, then what about this one?

The day that boy and that girl had their wedding reception,

that woman in there and I offered them an eternal home

with us, and they accepted.

Dah, that's impossible.

Tell him he's cock-eyed, son. - dad?

All right, I'll tell him.

Meehan, you are cock-eyed.

Two nights ago at this very table, we looked up the deal

and we even drank a toast to it.

You got whipped cream all over your face.

That doesn't change a thing.

For once, you're right.

It doesn't change anything.

We asked them first and they accepted.

A commitment is a commitment.

A toast is a toast.

Dad?

Priority is nothing.

Priority my foot.

A son is a son. - Dad?

Shut up.

- And a daughter is a daughter. - Dad?

- Shut up. - Rob?

Shut up

Who you telling to shut up?

Now look here, I told you for the last time

I don't want to talk--

I haven't finished talking about it.

[interposing voices]

[whistling]

May I say something, please?

Please do.

This whole discussion is absolutely ridiculous, arguing

about who promised who what first, who toasted the what,

who has priority, what as dig me, who goes where when.

There's only one way to make everybody happy.

I'll go with my folks or I'll go with her folks.

Rob, what are saying?

Honey, what are you going to do?

That's what they want. It'll make them happy.

They want us to split up, we'll split up.

Daddy?

What Rich?

Are you and mommy going to split up?

No, Rich we're not going to split up.

No, no, no, no, darling, daddy didn't mean that.

But where's daddy going without you?

No where, Rich.

Now, why don't you go back and play with grandma.

- But daddy-- - Please, Rich.

Do you and daddy still love each other?

Oh, Rich, of course we do.

Good.

Did you hear that?

My son asked if Rob and I still love each other.

Now, I don't know the answer to this,

but something here seems very wrong.

Well one thing is very, very wrong

is we've all lost our perspective.

Those stupid burial plots have become

a test to see who loves who.

So far, all it's brought about is animosity.

The truth is we love you all.

I love my parents more Laura does.

She loves hers more than I do.

But it's all evens out.

The thing is we shouldn't be concerned, first of all,

with who gets a steak and who gets chicken

or least of all who gets us.

If we can just live our lives with a little love

and understanding.

It doesn't make any difference whether we

go to Lexington Lawns or Rocky Meadow or Grant's Tomb.

We all end up in the same place.

I'm finished.

Well, he speaks sense.

He's a smart boy.

Married my daughter didn't he.

We never had anything against Laura, really.

It's just that we didn't know you had any other plans.

Now, anything you decide is OK with us.

How about you, Meehan?

Frankly, I never cared one way or another.

It's that woman in there.

Don't you worry.

I'll take care of her.

I'll make her understand.

That's very, very nice of all of you.

I want you to know whatever Laura and I decide

is because we love you all.

Why, of course.

[interposing voices]

Just don't let it drag on because neither Meehan

or myself would like to think that when the time came you

kids would have to walk the streets.

Mr. Brooks, I know it's very quiet there.

I know Peaceful Haven.

I've seen your ads and your billboards.

Peaceful Haven?

I wish your parents and my parents

would stop recommending us.

I'm sure, Mr Brooks, it is very, very lovely there.

But the union and also the Veterans Administration

have places for me.

Well, that may be true, that may be true.

But my wife and I happen to like crowds.

Well, I'm sure they'll find some kind of a container.

The army wouldn't throw me in an old barracks bag would they?

Rob!

I don't care.

He's making me mad.

Mr Brooks, thank you for calling.

I no.

Goodbye Mr-- No kidding.

No that doesn't change a thing, Mr Brooks.

Goodbye, Mr Brooks.

How do you like that.

They have a layaway plan.

You pay now and you go later.

Well, we better tell the folks that we have our plots.

Mommy, what's a plots?

Uh, Rob?

Well, Rich, it's plot, plot.

Oh, well, what's a plot?

Well, Rich, a plot is--

it's where you would go when you die, Rich.

I thought when you die you go to heaven.

Well, you do, you do go to heaven, Rich.

But a plot is kind of like a launching pad.

Zoom!

Oh, you mean like a rocket.

Zoom!

Yeah, that's right.

Or in some cases, zoom!

[theme music]