03x31 - I'd Rather Be Bald Than Have No Head at All

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Honey?

Yes?

Honey, wake up a second.

Rob, the coffee's in the pot, the toast is on the table,

and the eggs are in the oven.

Honey, I don't care if the frost is on the pumpkin,

I want you to wake up for just a second.

What is it?

Honey, I want to ask you something very important.

Well, what's the matter?

Would you marry Mel Cooley?

Oh, Rob.

Honey, look at that.

Rob!

Honey, turn around here and take a good look

at your husband's head.

Rob, why do you always pick the hours between 7:00 and 9:00

AM to get cute.

Honey, I don't think it's very cute to be going bald.

Going what?

Going bald, honey.

I'm losing my hair.

Oh, Rob, come on.

I haven't told you about it, but I've been keeping

track for the last few weeks.

Keeping track?

Of what?

Of my hair, honey.

I didn't tell you because I didn't

want you to get upset about it.

I'm not upset.

Well, you're gonna be when you see how fast they're going.

Hair's been leaving my head faster than rats

off a sinking ship, honey.

Rob, you have as much hair today as you

did the day I married you.

Oh, nice try, honey.

Look at that, 27 that's the count today.

27?

Yeah, 27 hairs in that basin, and maybe 28.

There was one possible in there.

It was either a long one of mine or a short one of yours,

I don't know.

And they say women are vain.

Boy!

Is that all you can say, "Boy?"

Well, what do you want me to say, Rob, that I'll love you

no matter what, that I'll stick with you through thick or thin,

so to speak?

That's a rotten joke and a rotten attitude.

Rob, you know, you really are being childish.

You can't tell me that you wouldn't

hate being married to a baldy.

Rob, darling, I love you, not your hair.

If you were going bald, I'd love you bald.

It's a terrible moment for a man.

It's a turning point.

- Come here. - What do you want?

Come here, bend down.

Let's take a look.

Well, easy, don't pull 'em out.

All right, lift up Rob, your hair is so thick,

I can hardly see your scalp in most places.

Yeah, but you can in some places, can't you?

Only at the part.

I don't care what you say, honey, it's coming out,

27 hairs a day.

Yesterday, it was 31, tomorrow 50, 100 the next--

Honey, don't do that.

When your hair starts to go, especially a man's,

when it starts to go, it's [imitates expl*si*n],, boing,

boing.

And so you're afraid that if you're going bald--

and I don't say you are-- but that if you are, I won't find

you attractive anymore?

Well, it's only natural, isn't it?

Come here.

Does that answer your question?

Sure does.

29, 30, 31.

Give me your other hand.

Oh, Rob.

32.

Will you hold still, please.

My arms are getting tired.

Who you knitting this for, King Kong?

I'm not knitting anything.

Well, what is that?

It's a wool bowling ball.

I can't stand noise.

Hey, here's our fearless leader.

What's the verdict on the script?

- Great. - Hey!

Oh, good!

Beautiful!

Then who's the surprise guest?

Are you ready?

Ricardo Vincente.

Oh, I love him.

That's no surprise.

That's right, half the women in the country love him.

Well, I happen to know his secret.

You do?

Why don't you use it?

Hey, Rob, Ricardo Vincente, really?

In the flesh.

I hope so.

Oh, well, then I got a great idea for the sketch.

Now Ricardo comes out on stage and carries me away

and the both of us are never heard from again.

You know what Alan wants to do with him?

The fact that he is so handsome, we'll use as a monster sketch

and really ugly him up.

Oh, that's sacrilege.

Hey, you want to make him ugly?

Just pull off his toupee.

Vicente wears a toupee?

He wears a rug?

Ear to ear carpeting.

I don't believe you.

My cousin Ira the makeup man, he told me about it.

Buddy, you're kidding.

You know those close up scenes he makes in the movies

where the beautiful dame is there with her fingers

going through his locks? - Yeah.

On those days he don't even show up at the studio,

he just sends in his hair.

Oh, I'm crushed.

Give me that.

Thank you, warden.

Well, uh, Sal, what's so bad that he's bald?

Oh, that doesn't make any difference at all.

I just happen to be in love with a Brazilian honeydew melon.

You're just trying to make me feel good.

You starting?

You starting again?

Now look, first of all, you're not going bald.

And even if you were, a man doesn't become less attractive

just because he's bald.

Some men are more attractive.

Rob--

You just lost your argument.

Rob, that sketch for Ricardo should

only be about two minutes.

Right.

Mel, Mel, Mel, you've met Ricardo Vincente.

Is he, uh--

As a newborn baby.

Well, I don't care, I'd still like to burp him.

You see, Rob, there are still women who love bald headed men.

When did you first, uh--

first realize that, you know, you were beginning to get bald?

When a nearsighted ostrich jumped on his head

and tried to hatch it.

I mean, Mel, did it come out like in little clumps

or just little by little.

You were serious this morning.

You're still worried about your going bald, aren't you?

Well, yeah, there's that possibility.

Oh, well, don't worry about it, Rob.

I'll get you a new head.

Start now.

Because the way it's coming out, in little clumps,

every time I comb my hair, 28 hairs in the basin

this morning.

Oh, 28 is nothing.

What do you mean nothing?

On him, it would be a forest.

Buddy.

Rob, listen, just because your hair is falling out

does not necessarily mean you're going to be bald.

Well, I hope you're right, Mel.

Believe me.

And even if you were, there's nothing you can do about it.

Ask me, I've tried everything.

I've had my head peeled, massaged, aerified, creamed,

nothing helps.

You don't have to be so happy about it.

Well, I'm not, Rob.

Believe me, I'd love to have your head of hair.

You can have it.

Follow me around with a net.

I bet old nosy here would be thrilled

to death if I lost my hair.

As long as your head were still attached to it.

I wish you kept your hair and lost the rest of you.

Hey, Buddy, you better cut that out.

One of these days, he's gonna turn on you.

What's the difference?

He's the same on both sides.

Oh, come on now, Rob.

Stop worrying, you're not losing your hair.

Just run your fingers through it and see what happens.

You two want me to leave you alone?

Oh.

A boy my age shouldn't be getting bald already.

You don't have to.

I know a guy--

Hold it!

Hold it!

Don't listen to him.

The last guy he had sold me a diet for 25 bucks.

So?

So all I lost was the 25 bucks.

Look this is a legit barber.

He's got a secret formula that really works.

Buddy, none of those things work.

The whole thing's hereditary.

Ah, hereditary, baloney!

Look at my hair, and both my father and mother were bald.

Didn't I tell you not to listen to him.

Listen, you've got to get a haircut anyway, don't you?

- Well, yeah. - All right, so go to Irwin.

If you lose your hair, what's the difference?

Well, I don't like to change barbers.

You know my guy knows my hair.

He ain't gonna know it for long.

Well, you got a point there.

He's over on east 48th street, Dino's Barbershop.

Ask for Irwin, he's the owner.

Irwin's the owner and it's called Dino's?

Who's gonna trust a barber named Irwin?

Yeah, you're right.

OK, Rob, let's take a look at the old noggin.

Who is your regular barber?

Oh, I go to Vinnie's.

Good shop, good shop.

Of course, you pay a little more for the name

and the decorations there, but he's got good [inaudible]..

Oh, they're fine, yeah.

Yeah.

Uh, you take vitamins?

Well, yeah, once a while.

Good, good.

Hurts, huh?

Well, yeah.

That's good.

It's got good fiber and good roots.

Well, what do you think?

Well, what I say is-- oh, you never d*ed this or nothing,

did you?

No.

No, I didn't think so.

Let's see, natural oil content and, uh,

you have very good resilience, very

adequate scalp elasticness.

So?

So like everybody else, I think you've been

taken your hair for granted.

Well, it sure hasn't been intentional.

Well, what I mean is, you're up

in the morning, a fast hot shower, quick comb

and brush, and summertime lots of wind and sun,

that's you, right?

Well.

Yeah, I'll bet you've even gone

swimming without a bathing cap.

I would look kind of silly, wouldn't I?

Your wife wears one, don't she?

Brushes her hair 50 times every night, right?

Well, I'm not sure.

Is she bald?

Well, no, but I thought that was, you know,

hormones and everything.

That too, that's part of it.

But the main thing is regular serious hair

care with a reputable expert.

Irwin, do you think I'm going bald?

You've been asking for it.

But you started your hair care at the right time

at the right place.

Take a look at this.

That's the whole story on a nutshell.

Oh?

All this is going on on your head multiplied by thousands.

It's kind of weird looking, isn't it?

If treated right, that's a beautiful working machine.

If not, [imitates fart].

Here is the hair.

And that's the follicle, the epidermis, and the oil glands,

and the papilla.

And all together, that's a diagram of a growing hair.

And these things all together are working around the clock

with only one common end, and that

is to keep these babies up here from winding up down there.

Oh, boy, Irwin, I thought you said I had good roots.

Good roots, lousy papilla.

Irwin, do you think maybe I need the stuff.

Buddy told me about the stuff you have.

You don't need to whisper.

It's not illegal.

Bob, I'm not a crazy witch doctor.

I'm just a plain, ordinary guy who knows more about hair

than anybody in the world.

Irwin, how come your head--

My luck, I didn't discover my formula until it

was too late to help me.

What do you think I ought to do, Irwin?

First thing, stop worrying.

Second, follow these simple, easy to follow instructions

on hair health and use this.

Oh, what's-- what's in there, or is that a secret.

No secret, the exact quantities, that's a secret.

But the ingrediments, that's just cam-- common,

ordinary sense.

Well, it's got oil in there, that's for sure.

That's right.

Lanolin?

I'm strictly from the vegetable oil school myself.

Vegetable?

100% pure, polyunsaturated olive oil.

What else is in there, alcohol?

Worst kind of poison.

No, Rob, I had to find a liquid that would purify

the scalp, acidic enough so as to cleanse it and yet vegetable

enough so as to nourish and to blend

properly with the olive oil.

Oh, what is it?

Vinegar.

That's oil and vinegar?

Irwin, that's a salad dressing.

To a chef, maybe it's a salad dressing.

To me, it's a life-giving elixir.

Well, doesn't it smell.

No, the eggs take away the whole smell.

Eggs?

You never heard of an egg shampoo?

The albumin gives the hair body.

Well, if you had some anchovies and croutons,

you could make Caesar salad out of this.

Well, it's kind of silly.

Is penicillin silly?

This got penicillin in it?

No, but you know how they found penicillin?

Growing in a pot of hot water used to cook sweet corn.

Oh, that's right, I remember.

So who's to say what's silly.

Well, I guess it's worth a try at that.

What have you got to lose?

Yeah.

Well, then tell me, when I put it on my hair,

do I comb it or toss it?

28, 29, 30.

Rob, darling, are you coming to bed?

It's 11:30.

Honey, I gotta finish five minutes of massage.

[imitating chimpanzee]

Boy.

OK, I got two applications of the junk

and five minutes of massage.

Aren't you going to comb it?

Well, 'til I've finished.

Well, what now?

I've still get an exercise to do.

You're kidding.

No, honey.

The blood going into your head stimulates the growth

of good hair on your scalp.

Then how come your feet are so bald.

Oh, it's not funny.

Well, darling--

I don't make fun of you when you do your ballet exercises.

Oh, Rob, you can't expect me to take this seriously.

Laura, losing your hair is serious.

Well, that may very well be, darling,

but none of this nonsense is going to stop.

Wait a minute, honey, I'm losing count 16, 17, 18.

Lettuce and tomatoes.

19, 20.

What'd you say?

Lettuce and tomatoes, I've been sitting here

wanting lettuce and tomatoes.

Now I know why, it's that smell.

It's not supposed to smell.

Rob, I don't care what it's not supposed to, what's in it?

Well, I don't know exactly.

What's in it?

Oh, very smart.

Buddy sends you to a magic barber who gives you something

to put on your hair that you're afraid of losing

and you don't even know what's in it?

Well, I know kind of what's in it.

It's got oil.

You know, it's got olive oil in it.

Olive oil?

And vinegar.

All right, olive oil and vinegar.

But the eggs are supposed to take away the smell.

A salad dressing on your hair?

Well, it can't hurt me, and it might do me a lot of good.

Can you get your money back if it makes your hair fall out?

Is that all you care about, getting your money back?

Oh, I've told you 20 times today, I don't

think you're losing your hair.

But if you think you are, well, then go to somebody dependable,

a doctor or a dermatologist, not some friend of Buddy's.

You're worried too.

I am not worried, Rob, it just makes good sense.

You may be right, honey.

If Irwin's stuff doesn't work on me, well, I'll go to a doctor.

As a matter of fact, I need a checkup anyway.

I'll go to see a doctor, OK?

OK.

Now go wash that stuff out of your hair

and let's get some sleep.

Well, honey, as long as it's in there,

I might as well leave it.

It could be great.

Rob, you are not going to put a head full of oil and vinegar

on my good pillowcases.

I wasn't planning to.

Well, then where were you going to sleep,

in the refrigerator?

I'm supposed to sleep with my head wrapped in a towel.

No sense washing my hair now anyway, I'd catch a cold.

Would you help me put this on?

Oh, really.

Get it good.

You're folding my ear up.

I see.

Good night, sheik.

You watch it, I'll sell you in a sl*ve market.

Ron, darling, come on, it's getting late, dear.

Time to get up. - OK, I'm up.

I'm up.

[screaming]

Rob, darling, stop screaming.

Screaming, honey, look!

All my hair is gone!

I'm bald!

Yes, I can see that.

Looks kind of cute.

I like you bald.

What, like me?

Cute?

Honey, I look like a drugstore dummy in the department

store window or something.

Well, I did tell you not to use that stuff.

Well, who cares what happened or how it happened,

it happened.

The towel, all my hair's in that towel,

I'm gonna get it and replant it.

Rob!

It's not in the towel.

Did you shave my head for a joke?

It's not a joke, dear.

Don't you realize, Rob, you're dreaming.

Of course, it's a dream.

Oh, boy.

Wait a minute, it can't be any kind of a dream.

If I was dreaming I'd be saying I'm dreaming.

You can't tell me that I'm dreaming.

People who are in other people's dreams can't tell them

they're dreaming.

Why not?

Well, because you don't know I'm dreaming.

You don't even know whether I'm asleep or not.

I do too.

I saw you go to sleep just last night.

I know what it is.

I'm not dream-- you're having a dream and I'm in it.

How would I know you're dreaming?

Well, how did it happen, honey?

That stuff.

I know what it is, a severe shock.

What kind of a shock did you have?

What shock?

You don't call going bald a shock?

Honey, what am I gonna do?

Well, the first thing I'd do is go to Irwin,

tell him you're dissatisfied, and get your money back.

Where's my hat?

Hey, honey.

Yes, dear?

Is this really a dream?

Of course it's a dream, darling.

Now you go to Irwin and get your money back.

Yeah, my hair back.

I'm gonna go get my hair back.

You're lucky you came just in time.

You're not gonna give me any salad dressing.

No, I got the new stuff with the new miracle

ingrediment and PS138.

What is it?

Mayonnaise.

Mayonnaise?

How could we have been so stupid?

Now, put it on there.

There, yeah, yeah.

Feel good?

Oh, delicious.

Taste's good and is good for you.

By the time you get back to the office,

you'll have a whole new head.

Hiya, baldy, we been waiting for you.

You know? How do you know?

Laura, told us.

She said it was a dream, but we didn't believe her.

Hi, sheik.

Laura, how did you get here?

I flew, as a matter of fact.

I flew with Irwin. - Hi, Irwin.

Flew?

Of course, it's easy to in dreams.

And I ran.

It's not a dream.

It is too.

If it was a dream, you wouldn't

have gone to all the trouble to come down here in your jammies.

Wow, don't worry, Rob.

I told you I would knit you a toupee, and I did.

Look, it's mole hair.

Yeah, because you got no mo' hair.

[laughing]

That's not funny.

Oh, for a dream, it's funny.

Listen, and it comes in all colors.

It comes in red, orange, blue.

You want argyle? - I don't need it.

I don't need anything.

Get your money back.

Irwin gave me some new special stuff with mayonnaise added.

And I can feel it growing right now.

That stuff of Irwin's never works.

Never works, huh?

Look at that.

What's the matter?

Is it all messed up?

Uh-huh.

Rob, you've got a head of lettuce.

Lettuce?

It can't be lettuce.

He's right.

Maybe it's cabbage.

It is lettuce.

How have I got lettuce?

Well, if you use salad dressing,

you can't expect to grow meatloaf.

Now you'll have to sleep with your head in the refrigerator.

What am I gonna do?

I got a guy.

A barber?

No, a gardener.

Where's my hair?

Oh, let's look.

[interposing voices]

Thanks for your hair.

Mel, that's my hair.

That's my hair.

Give me my hair back!

Give me my hair back!

- Rob, darling, wake up. - Give me--

Huh? What's the--

- Rob. - What?

Huh?

Darling, you were having a bad dream.

Yeah, I'm still having it.

This is the second time I've wakened in it.

Well, it's no wonder, too.

You slept with that silly turban on all night,

it would give anyone a nightmare.

That's just what you said in the dream, honey.

Rob, come on, let's take that silly turban off

and wash your hair.

Oh, Rob, your hair!

Rob, your beautiful hair!

Honey, honey, wake up. Wake up.

Wake up.

Ah!

You were having a nightmare.

Rob, am I awake?

Well, sure you are, honey.

- Rob, are you? - Sure.

Are you sure?

I'm awake.

Oh, Rob.

Rob, don't ever take off that towel.

Why?

Because under it, you are either bald

or you have a head of lettuce.

Boy, that must have been some dream you were having.

Oh, Rob.

Ha, well, here goes nothing.

Oh, Rob!

That beautiful brown helmet!

Oh!

You were worried about me losing my hair,

I go to the doctor once, and look what happens.

Oh, Rob.

Oh, Rob.

You know that, didn't you?

He said Irwin's stuff couldn't have possibly hurt me at all.

All it did was give me bad dreams.

You know, I didn't know that people shed certain seasons

just like dogs do.

Are you relieved?

Well, yeah, especially since he said

you'd go bald long before I do.

Wait, not yet, 20 seconds.

Huh?

Oh, Rob.

Well, the doctor--

I haven't had a good night's sleep in so long,

the doctor said standing on your head's good for you.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, I guess I could use a good night's sleep, too.

[theme music]