04x07 - 4½

[bunniefuu]

[music playing]

NARRATOR: The d*ck Van d*ke Show.

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Hey, hey I got one.

I got one, you ready?

Yeah, I'm ready, but is the world ready?

Who needs em.

All right, listen to this.

What happens to ducks that fly upside down?

They quack up.

I knew you didn't know it.

Rob, Allen's is not going to use junk like that on the show.

Why not?

He's using junk like you on the show.

Mel, you going to be able to help us out on this?

Well I don't know.

What's this request I got for prisoner costumes?

We're not doing a prison sketch on the show this week.

Oh, it's not for the Alan Brady Show, it's for our show.

- Your show? - Yeah.

You see, we've been invited to do a benefit.

And we're trying to put a few things together.

Do you think we can get the costumes Mel?

Well, I don't know.

Alan does a lot of charity work.

Oh, that's how you got your job.

Oh, Buddy look what you did.

what?

You made Mel punch my papers.

So?

So now I got two dozen carbon copies of Mel's fist.

Mel, can you help us out do you think?

Well, I don't know.

I'll do my best.

Why prison costumes?

Well, we kind of thought it would

be appropriate since we're doing a show in prison.

You're doing a show in prison?

Yeah, how about that?

Hundreds of men, and not one of them can get away.

Mel, while we're up there, maybe we can

get your hair out of solitary.

Rob.

It's true Mel.

The entertainment director of Granville State Prison

asked us to come up there and do a show for the men.

ROB PETRIE:

Well, I think it's nice that you're doing it for them.

Can I go along?

Why give with one hand and take with the other?

Rob, are you sure you want to use

prison costumes in a prison--

in a prison sketch?

I mean, isn't that a little indelicate?

No, Lyle says they love prison humor.

- Who's Lyle? - Oh, Lyle Delp.

He's the entertainment director up there.

He's an old friend of mine.

Oh, the social director.

No, the social outcast.

You mean he's a convict?

Boy, if he ain't, he got the worst

case in clothes I ever saw.

You mean you actually know someone who's in prison?

Yeah, he's quite an old friend of mine.

Well, how did you ever get to meet him?

I Mean, was he an old school chum that went wrong?

Oh no, just somebody that Laura and I met years ago.

Hey Rob, you mean to say you never told Mel that story?

Oh, Mel it's a very funny story.

Don't tell it to him if it's funny.

He'll never understand it.

Rob, how did you meet this individual?

Well, as a matter of fact, when we first met the guy

he was a hold up man.

How did you know he was a holdup man?

He held us up.

You mean, you actually became friends

with a man who held you up?

Yeah, we've been writing to him in prison for years.

Yeah, he's sort of a pen pal.

Sorry.

Listen Mel, kidding aside, we got

this letter from him a few days ago and he's real cute.

He really is.

And you see that number?

That's not a zip code, that's him.

It's a wonderful story Mel, if you've got some time.

Well, I've got plenty of time.

My desk is clear.

So is your head.

Rob, come on.

Tell him the story of how you met Lyle Delp.

Well, it all started about a month before Richie was born.

It was that long ago.

And I was so afraid that Laura was going to have the baby

early that every time she had a pain I was

straight through the ceiling.

I hardly went so far as to take her downtown

to the doctor's office.

It was late in the afternoon, and pouring rain.

It's just silly coming all the way down here in the rain,

and at this hour.

Honey, it's not silly.

The book said when the pains got regular,

you got to go see the doctor.

Yeah, but I don't feel ready.

I think it's just something I ate.

It's not something you ate.

How do you know?

Because something you ate wouldn't

give you regular pains.

The last one was about 15 minutes ago.

The other one should be due any minute.

Ah!

There it is, they're getting closer.

That was my arm, dear.

You just hit it with the umbrella.

Oh honey, I'm sorry.

- It's all right. - But you know something?

That shouldn't have hurt that much.

Have you been drinking your milk?

No.

Yes, it's probably a calcium deficiency in there.

So, let me talk to the doctor about it.

Rob, did you bring my bag of nuts?

Yeah, they're in your purse.

That's something else I've got to mention.

You've become a salted nut addict.

I'm not an addict.

I just have a craving for them, that's all.

Honey, cravings are supposed to stop

after the first three months.

Oh Rob, I just hate to go all the way up there

and bother the doctor.

Bother?

Honey, he expects it.

My wife, we're expecting a baby.

Oh.

Would you let me try that?

No, I'll get it honey.

The darn thing--

There, I got it.

Here we go dear.

Oh, good.

OK.

Oh, sh**t!

Excuse me.

Rob!

Oh, honey!

Honey, don't panic!

No, honey you-- I'll wait-- you come--

My wife's on the elevator.

Fine.

Uh, just where are the stairs?

I've got--

Why don't you wait till it comes back down?

Oh, that's a good idea.

She's-- We're expecting a baby, I'm a little nervous.

She's got a little calcium deficiency in her arm there.

Oh.

I'm sorry I made you miss the elevator.

That's OK.

Oh.

You go ahead.

Oh.

Oh honey, you all right?

Just fine.

Oh.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh.

Honey, why did you go up like that?

Why didn't you get on?

Well, this darn thing wouldn't close.

You want to press the button darling?

Oh, yeah.

What-- Number 5, isn't it?

Yeah.

Hold onto your stomach, honey.

Oh, would you stop?

I feel fine.

Why doesn't the door open?

This is 5, isn't it?

No, 4 and 1/2.

Did you press the emergency button by mistake?

No mistake.

Oh, what's the matter fella?

Nothing's the matter.

This is just a simple little stick up.

Huh?

You mean a hold up?

Hey, you're kidding!

Does this look like I'm kidding?

No, look you--

Hey, hey get back, back, back, back!

Don't hurt her.

Don't get dramatic.

Nobody is going to get hurt.

Oh, Rob I told you we shouldn't have come.

Honey, don't be afraid.

I know his kind.

What do you mean my kind?

What kind of cr*ck is that?

Well, I didn't mean it like you didn't like it.

I just meant that it's pretty rotten

to hold up an expectant mother.

Hey, look Dr. Spock, you weren't my first choice,

you know.

Young couples like you aren't exactly the type that have

money, you know what I mean?

Remember the first couple that went up?

They're over 50.

That's where the money is.

Well, why didn't you stick them up then?

Because your umbrella kept me out, that's why!

Hey listen, in my business you just can't stand

around waiting for customers.

Now come on, come on, come on give me your wallet.

- Rob, do what he says. - All right.

Hurry up, hurry up, come on.

You're not going to get away with this.

I'll get away with it.

Huh, what's to get away with?

11 bucks?

That's all there is.

And some change.

Come on lady. Give me yours.

Look, leave her alone.

She hasn't got any money.

Yeah, sure she hasn't.

Come on, hurry up.

I'm telling you, she doesn't get

her allowance till tomorrow.

Yeah, what do I care about tomorrow?

Stand back, stand back.

OK.

Let's see what you got here.

Hey, not bad.

Look at this, 40 bucks!

What $40 is that?

It's Millie's.

She asked me to get Jerry's birthday present for her.

Boy, that is unfair!

I mean, Millie isn't even here!

Millie's lucky.

She spared all this terror.

Right Rob!

You call me Rob like we're old friends or something.

OK, OK any way you want it Rob.

Now come on, come on hand over your watches and rings.

Step it up.

Come on, come on, come on.

Boy, you haven't got a chance.

People know this elevator is stopped.

I got all the time I need.

The average person pushes an elevator

button six or seven minutes before realizing

it's not working.

I made a study of this thing you know.

You mean, you've held up people in elevators before?

No, I held them up in front of a police station dumdum.

Now, give me your rings.

Oh, but these are our wedding rings.

Come on, give me your rings.

Hey, hey, hey.

Watch it, watch it.

Honey, I'll get you another one.

I promise.

I can't get it off.

Oh, it's stuck on there.

Her finger's are a little swollen.

My luck, I got to stick up a fat lady.

Look, you probably don't believe me,

but I really can't get it off.

I believe you, I believe you.

My mother had eight kids.

Tell her to lay off the salt!

Her feet are a little bit swollen too.

I don't want her shoes.

Give me yours! Hurry up, come on.

My shoes?

No, your ring, your ring!

Boy, I'll remember you.

Wonderful.

That's a big thrill for me.

Hey, hey, hey don't get frisky!

[inaudible] Don't get frisky buddy.

Hey, is this real gold?

To one love.

Hey, that's beautiful.

We think it's beautiful.

I think so too.

You don't think I spend all my time in an elevator.

I lead a life too you know.

Oh, I'll bet you do.

Yeah.

I had a girl once you know.

Made me an ID bracelet while she was in prison.

You know what it said?

Wish you were here.

Ah, smart guy.

Oh boy.

Watch that, watch that lady!

That was another one.

Another one honey?

Look you--

OK, OK don't get excited!

I'll get you out of here.

And listen lady, I'll press the button,

we'll go right to the roof, you hear?

And then we'll come right back down.

And just hold on.

Nothing happened.

We're not moving.

The elevator's stuck.

Back-- Hey, we can't be stuck.

I got to get out of here.

[music playing]

Hey, we're stuck!

We're stuck down here.

Go ahead, go ahead!

You're stuck in an elevator, and with a hold up man,

and Laura's about to give birth.

What happened? - Nothing happened.

They're still stuck!

The kid was born in the elevator and he named him Otis.

Oh my gosh, it's 3 o'clock.

I promised to check the sketch in the rehearsal hall.

No, wait a minute, don't leave me hanging.

That's the best way to leave him.

Hey!

- Thank you. - Welcome.

Go on Rob, finish the story.

Well, anyway there we were banging and yelling away.

All the elevators in town, I got to get a looser.

Honey, you feel all right?

Yeah, I think so.

I'll push the emergency button again.

What do you think I'm doing?

Plugging a dike?

Hey lady, sit down, It's no good for you to be standing.

We don't need any advice from you.

You got us into this mess.

And if anything happens to her--

Hey, is it my fault?

My fault the elevator broke down?

I don't want to harm you, I just want to rob you!

Well, you did.

So we don't need any of your ideas!

Honey, you should sit down.

I'd love to, my feet are k*lling me.

Sit-- Sit on--

What happened to elevators that have those stools that fold

down and people to run them?

What happened to elevators that go up and down?

Honey, look, sit on my coat.

Than you dear.

We'll be out of here in no time.

Oh, I feel just like an old cow.

Honey, you look beautiful.

Capacity 2,000 pounds.

Inspected 1954, Sidney Burns, 1955 Sidney Burns,

1956 Sidney Burns, 1957 Wendell Henderson.

They should have stuck with Sidney.

Let me see that thing.

Yeah, just as I thought.

In an emergency, call MU8-8599.

And where am I going to call?

I'm going to call then when I get home!

Yeah, give them a zing for me too.

Hey, hey lady.

You don't look very comfortable lady.

Take my coat.

No thank you, I don't need it.

Go ahead and take it honey.

No, I really don't need it.

Yes you do need it.

The softer the better honey.

Yeah.

Here now, let's just put it behind you.

What?

What are you--

What are you doing?

I'm covering you with a comb.

You held me up with a comb!

That's why you wanted my coat!

You wanted my comb!

And I was concerned about her!

Oh, Rob!

You mean that you held us up at comb point?

Of course, I never carry a g*n.

You get in trouble.

Borrowed one from my brother once

and I almost k*lled myself.

Look at my big plan and I get a comb.

Look at this human nature.

He's upset because I didn't use a g*n.

You don't even need a comb!

You sure know how to hurt a guy Rob.

You know something?

There's a lot of things you do that upset me.

And now that I know you're not armed,

I'm going to turn you in when we get downstairs!

Rob, look up there.

What?

Is it a trick?

Rob, I told you.

Oh.

In the ceiling, a trap door.

Yeah, yeah a trap door.

Of course a trap door.

Boost me up there.

Hey, wait a minute.

You stay here with the wife, I'll go.

Oh, no you don't.

You go up there, we'll never see you again.

Boy oh boy.

Do you think I'd leave an expectant mother stuck here?

What do you think I am?

You know what you are.

Oh yeah, I know what you're going to say.

Sure, I'm a crook.

Does that make me inhumane?

I have feelings too!

Just because I life a few bucks from somebody doesn't mean I'm

going to leave a fat lady stuck here, does it?

There's a difference you know!

All right, I guess there is.

All right, OK, and lay off!

People driving me crazy.

Hey, you go climb up.

But, you just said--

I know, I know what I just said.

Go ahead up, you be the hero.

All right honey, I'll be right back.

You feeling all right?

Yeah.

Rob, just fine.

But, I wish you wouldn't go up there.

Well honey, what could happen in an elevator shaft?

I'll be careful.

John, maybe Mr.--

Mr.-- What'd you say your name was?

Delp, Lyle Delp.

Lyle Delp?

Yeah.

Lyle Francis Delp.

You want to make something out of it?

Darling, maybe Mr. Delp should go up.

Honey, I'll be careful.

All right, come on.

Wait a minute, I got to get the trap door out of the way.

OK, come on.

OK.

All right, on three.

OK, 1, 2, 3.

I made it.

There it is.

A stuck elevator.

LAURA PETRIE: What was that?

Uh--

LAURA PETRIE: Rob, are you all right?

Oh, nothing honey.

I just kicked a beer can.

Look at this b*llet they gave us.

Can you reach the door?

Uh, not quite I don't think.

Whoa!

Can you see anything?

Let's see.

Fred loves Vivian.

That's nothing.

In 1936 John Freeney laid these bricks.

I want to wish you lots of luck because if you're reading this,

you're stuck.

[inaudible]

Oh, a riot.

Anything else up there?

Fred is a--

LAURA PETRIE: What?

Nothing honey.

Here's something, danger, high voltage.

Rob, maybe you ought to come back down.

Hello, is anybody there?

Yeah! We're stuck!

Hey, we're here! We're here!

Laura, that's me.

Oh.

Hey listen, throw me up the umbrella.

Why?

Is it raining up there?

Thanks.

Anybody got any chewing gum?

Yeah, yeah gum.

Here, here coming up!

Thanks.

LAURA PETRIE: What do you need the gum for?

To chew honey.

Hello.

LAURA PETRIE: What is it?

That skylight in the roof is wide open.

LAURA PETRIE: Well, how far up is it?

About 40 floors.

Oh, don't Rob.

Don't.

I'm not going to honey.

Can you climb down?

Let's see.

Not alive.

I think I can climb up to this fifth floor door

and maybe get it open.

LAURA PETRIE: Don't hurt yourself.

But get us out of here!

Boy, this thing's slippery and greasy.

What was that?

Nothing.

Just some stuff dropped out of my pocket.

Hey, hey I can't see him anymore.

LAURA PETRIE: Rob!

[inaudible] honey, I just lost the car keys.

What do you need car keys!

We're in an elevator!

I have an extra set darling.

She has an extra set darling.

Well, here they are.

I found them, it's OK.

It's O--

Oh.

It's OK, he found them.

Rob, be careful.

I will.

Listen, I want to try to pry open that fifth floor

door with the umbrella.

I can't-- Ah.

Whoa.

I'm coming down.

Careful darling.

Come on, I got you.

I got you.

There's no use.

There's no way out up there at all.

Look, somebody is bound to discover us.

The best thing to do is just wait.

Yeah.

Might as well sit around here.

It's better than sitting in jail.

Oh, Mr. Delp you're not sure what's going to happen to you.

Oh, it's jail, it's jail.

This isn't my first rap.

MAN: Hey anybody down there?

Yeah!

We're here!

We're down here!

MAN: Are you all right?

Yeah, I guess so!

MAN: We think the generator went out or something.

Just sit tight.

The repair man is on the way!

Well listen, hurry it up.

We've got an expectant mother down here.

MAN: OK, we'll call the police emergency squad.

The fire emergency squad!

For everybody else they call the fire department, for me

they call the cops.

I'm a loser.

[music playing]

Boy, these nuts make me thirsty.

MAN: Won't be long now, folks!

The generator is working, but some jerk

threw an umbrella down the shaft and shorted the main switch!

Hang on!

How you feel honey?

I'm all right, just little tired.

When was the last time you felt anything?

Oh, they stopped a long time ago.

Gee, must be--

You still have our watches.

Oh, yeah.

Where I'm going I won't need them.

Thanks Lyle.

Hey Lyle, I hate to mention it but--

Oh, yeah.

51 bucks, count it.

I don't have to count it.

More nuts?

Yeah, I'm dying I'm so hungry.

How about you Lyle?

Are there any Brazilian ones?

They're not as salty you know.

Sorry, I ate all of them.

I think the only thing we have left are the peanuts.

Story of my life, the leftovers.

Ever since I was a kid, leftover food, leftover clothing,

leftover dreams.

Didn't I hear that on Dragnet last night?

Yeah, I identified with him.

You identified with him?

Yeah.

We're both social misfits.

I couldn't get a wife, couldn't get a job.

Haven't you ever had a steady job?

Never.

Well, I don't think that's anything to brag about Lyle.

Who's bragging?

What's to brag about?

Those doors slide open, I walk into the arms of a cop.

You know, I once saw a movie where the crook got away

by switching jackets with another man

and then ducking down low.

Laura!

That's all right Laura.

Thanks anyway.

Oh Rob, do we have to turn him in?

I don't know honey.

Hey, we're moving.

Lyle, it isn't that we want to turn you in.

You don't have to turn me in.

What do you mean?

I'm going to save you the trouble.

Lyle you'd do that?

That's right.

Because you're nice people, and I like you.

You hear that honey?

Lyle, you know what you're about to do

is the first step on that long road back.

To a better life.

I know, I know.

That's why I'm going to do it.

Every man has to do something for himself

if he's ever to be free.

Good luck to you Lyle.

I'll need it.

Thanks Rob.

[music playing]

Man must do some things for himself

if he's ever to be free.

That's beautiful.

Isn't it?

And then when the elevator stopped, he turned himself in.

No, he ran like a thief.

Let's cast him.

You mean--

You mean he didn't turn himself in?

No, he tried to turn us in.

He told them that we tried to hold him up.

And he ran in the confusion.

Yeah, you see, and he'd have made it too if he didn't

stop to get a drink of water.

The police looked at Laura and decided she wasn't

shaped like a holdup man.

They caught him on down the hall.

We had to identify him.

And he doesn't hold a grudge?

No.

Even though he's been in for eight years?

Well look Mel, during that time he's been in and out,

and in and out.

You know.

He's got the only cell with a swinging door.

He's working in the library in the prison now.

He's a trustee. - What do you say Mel?

Is the story worth a few costumes?

I will give you anything you need.

We must do more to help our men behind bars.

Yeah, let's put him in front of the bar

and give him some booze.

I appreciate all the help Mel.

We would like to give them a good show.

Sociologists tell us that anybody is potentially

capable of committing a crime.

Any one of us.

Well, I don't think you ever have to worry

about being a Lyle Delp.

Why not?

Well, for one thing, you haven't got a comb.

Next week by popular request, the whole cast

is going to prison.

Join us, won't you?

[music playing]