04x11 - It Wouldn't Hurt Them to Give Us a Raise

[bunniefuu]

[theme song]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show", starring d*ck Van d*ke,

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.

Hi, Bud.

Oh, well, good morning, Sally.

How are you?

My, you look radiant today.

I do?

Gee, thank you, Bud. Well, what's new?

Oh, nothing much.

Prince Valiant just called you, wants you to trim his bangs.

Really?

Very funny.

Boy, to you the whole world's a sketch

and all the men and women live on Flugal Street.

Ooh, what's bugging you?

Who's the highest paid writers on TV?

I don't know.

Ernie Burton and his staff.

Ernie Burton, the brain picker, is the highest paid?

Just look at this.

"Ernie Burton heads top paid writing staff.

Comic, Cliff Barnett, credits success of his show

to big payroll".

Let me see that.

"Happy writers make happy shows".

Hey, how do like that?

I don't like it.

We've been knocking our brains out for Alan Brady

for seven years.

Now a new show comes along and he pays the new writers

more money than we're getting.

Yeah, and you know, he wouldn't even own the "Cliff

Barnett Show" if it wasn't for the great stuff

that we wrote for Cliff when he was a guest on our show

last season. BUDDY SORRELL: Right.

Ha.

We're in the top 10.

He's in the bottom 100.

BUDDY SORRELL: This is like your Field Marshal Montgomery,

and you won that big w*r in Africa.

And when it's all over, you find out that Rommel was

getting more money than you.

That's exactly what it's like.

We do all the work and desert wreck gets the gravy.

Yeah.

Morning, Sal.

Morning, Buddy.

Who's the highest paid writer on television?

Ah, I don't know, who?

Ernie Burton, a desert rat.

Who?

SALLY ROGERS: Rob, every writer on the "Cliff Barnett Show"

gets more money.

Oh, I saw the headline in "Variety".

I didn't get a chance to read the article.

Yeah, but Rob, is isn't fair.

Now we're much better writers than the Cliff Barnett writers.

At least I know I am.

Yeah, everybody knows I am.

Oh, listen, you guys.

You know about Barnett.

He's terrible to work for.

Alan probably has to pay more money just to keep the people.

Yeah, but Brady told us we were getting the top money.

Here, here, let's stay calm.

No, no, let's stay uncalm.

We're very much unappreciated around here.

Oh, Sally, that's not true.

You know Alan says you're the best in the business.

Yeah, wish he's tell it to my bank book.

Listen, you guys.

We have a show to write.

And if we do not write it, we don't get any money at all.

Rob, why don't you try it this way?

If we don't get more money, we don't write.

Come on, you guys get plenty of money.

Who's talking about money?

You two are.

Rob, it isn't the money.

Money is just a symbol.

Yeah, it's a symbol of wealth.

Look, we have a show to write.

We have a whole cast out there waiting for our words.

Now can we please get on with it?

No, I've waited for my last wait.

Yeah, me too.

I'm wait-less.

Sally and me are on strike.

So am I.

Look, you guys.

Alan didn't say he didn't want to talk to you.

He said he was busy.

Yeah, we're busy too.

There's a big strike going on here.

OK, all right, you win.

I give up.

But will you tell me something?

Is this a hunger strike too or can we order a little lunch?

Go ahead and order.

My stomach's still working.

Good.

Sal, would you take down the order?

I am not writing anything until we get

this raise business settled.

Oh, for Pete's sake, Sally, that's ridiculous.

Not as ridiculous as Ernie Burton's guys

making more money than we do.

Right.

You take the order.

All right, I'll take the order.

Well, yeah.

How about a raise on rye?

That's good.

Yeah, if you don't have that, I'll have a Frankfurter.

Yeah, make it two.

And I'll have a bottle of 4-up and a slice of six layer cake.

BUDDY SORRELL: What? - I'm cutting down.

Oh.

Look, you guys, I think you deserve a raise.

I think you ought to get one, but this

is no way to go about it.

Rob, I just left Alan in the rehearsal hall

and he has a marvelous new way to end the show.

So have I, no script.

Well, well, what's bothering, Smokey the Boar?

Smokey the Boar, hey, not bad for a self-taught incompetent.

Mel, what was Alan's idea?

Well, Alan said that instead of the jokes

that you wrote for him, he'd like something

funny for the end of the show.

Why don't you just stand there and squint?

Look, um, Mel, why don't to go back to your office?

We'll write something and type it up for you.

Fine, I'll tell that to Alan.

It's a pity about Mel.

He's been going to a brain surgeon for two years

and hasn't been waited on yet.

[knock on door]

MEL COOLEY: I heard that!

Look, fellas, I know you're gonna be able to work something

out with Alan sooner or later.

But right now, you are k*lling me.

We've got a job to do.

Rob, you're beginning to sound like a company man.

Yeah, that's right, Rob.

You are a company man.

Yeah, you represent management.

Well--

Rob, you are an executive.

Come on, Sal, you know I'm a writer.

We're all writers here.

Yes, but you're the head writer.

Now Alan will listen to you because you're an executive.

You ask for the raise.

- You want me to ask? - Mhm.

BUDDY SORRELL: Yeah, you're our next link

in the chain of command.

Mel is the next link.

Mel is the missing link.

Now look, Rob. - Rob, look.

You talk to Alan.

It's your responsibility.

All right.

All right, I can talk to Alan.

But I'll tell you right now, it's not gonna do any good.

Mel is supposed to do that kind of a job.

All right, call.

Would you get me Alan Brady, please?

How much do you think we ought to ask for?

Same as these guys are getting plus a nickle more.

Now we've got 10%. 10%.

BUDDY SORRELL: Yeah, 10%.

10%, all right.

Alan?

Hi, Rob.

Listen, Alan, we've been having a kind of a serious discussion

up here this morning.

You read the article?

Oh.

Yeah, well, you see--

yeah, that's right.

Sally and Buddy feel they want more money.

Well, what I was--

talk to who?

Well, no listen.

Wait, why couldn't you talk to him?

Well, Alan, if-- if-- if he approves it,

it's gonna be all right with you?

OK, thank you very much.

SALLY ROGERS: Well, what'd he say?

He didn't say no.

But he didn't say yes.

He say maybe?

No, he didn't say maybe.

Was he on the telephone?

No, he says I've gotta go talk to Doug Wesley, the accountant.

Rob, believe me.

If Alan Brady could give them an increase at this time,

he'd be the first man to do it.

He'd do it like that.

[snaps fingers]

But the thing is it just-- it's a 10% raise.

Rob, I wish I could just hand out money.

But you know, it doesn't work that way, boy.

Sometimes I'm really sorry I didn't become a doctor.

The thing is I think they're due for a raise,

and the show is doing so great.

Well, it just doesn't work that way, Rob, really.

Sit down, Rob.

Rob, you know of course, that individuals and companies,

in order to minimize their tax payments,

they spread out their money into other enterprises

and into various other businesses.

Well, I know a lot of television

stars own restaurants, baseball and real estate,

and even other television stars, like Alan

owns the "Cliff Barnett Show". - Right.

Right, that's it.

Now you're beginning to see the whole corporate picture, Rob.

Now in our case, there is the organization

and there's the organization.

Now I know it sounds complicated, Rob.

Well, it's only because you're holding something there.

I don't know what it is.

[chuckles]

I'll give you a little example.

This year, Alan himself wanted a raise.

I had to turn him down.

You turned Alan down?

You wouldn't give him his own money?

No, it's not his own money, Rob.

Not his own money anymore.

You see, that's the whole point.

Alan, actually, is only an employee of himself.

Ah, wait a minute.

Alan employs himself?

DOUG WESLEY: Yes, Alan Brady works

for Alan Brady Productions.

Yeah, but he owns it.

Ah, but Alan Brady Productions is a subsidiary

of Reliance Industries.

[clears throat] What, ah-- what's Reliance Industries?

Reliance industries owns the "Cliff Barnett Show"

and they run a fleet of shrimp boats in the Gulf of Mexico.

Shrimp boats in the Gulf of Mexico?

Yeah, they, ah, freeze them and sell them nationally

as Yum Yum Shrimp Cocktail.

Yum Yum, they're delicious.

Yeah, would you like us to send you a case?

Well, a case of shrimp, I'd love it.

Yeah, fine, we'll send you one.

Well, gee, thanks a lot.

It's funny?

I didn't know Alan owned that.

Well, he must-- he must be doing great then.

Oh, yes, yes.

Now Reliance Industries is a subdivision of Hiawatha Foods.

Gee, that's, ah-- that's a big company.

That could surely afford a little raise.

Well, now I'm coming to that, Rob.

You see, you and Sally and Buddy are not

unemployed by the same firm.

We're not?

No, no, no.

You, Rob, as head writer, are an executive,

and all our executives are paid by Alan's

Japanese company, Ishimaru.

Ishimaru, is that Japanese?

DOUG WESLEY: Oh, yes, yes.

You know, I always thought that was a combination

of Alan's kids' names.

[chuckles]

No, no.

No, they make motorcycles, Rob.

And, they-- they pay me?

Well, then, who-- who pays Buddy and Sally?

Tam O'Shanter Limited of Scotland.

Why can't Tam O'Shanter Limited of Scotland

give them a raise then?

Mhm, they're not going too well right, Rob.

They're not?

With a book that thick, they're not?

What ah-- what do they make?

Mhm, right now very bad investments.

About a few years ago, they were doing very well.

ROB PETRIE: Well, what did they make then?

The Martin and Lewis coloring book.

Wait a minute.

They sold millions of those, Rob, millions.

You mean that I have to go back

to tell Buddy and Sally that they can't get a raise

because Martin and Lewis went--

DOUG WESLEY: Well, Rob, that's showbiz.

I don't know anything about coloring books or motorcycles,

but it is obvious that, here, Alan is a very, very rich man.

Now he has two employees would like just a little

of that richness and I think they deserve it.

Now maybe I'm stupid.

Of course, Rob, of course.

Rob.

Rob, maybe I can demonstrate it better with the flowers.

The flowers?

Yeah.

Now this pot is Alan Brady.

That's a good casting.

All these flowers are his various enterprises.

He has that many flowers, huh?

Now this big lusty, healthy blue flower, that's Ishimaru.

Ishimaru, ah-- [MAKES MOTORCYCLE

REVVING SOUND] motorcycle's.

Right, right.

Now this sickly little green flower, that's Tam O'Shanter.

Tam O'Shanter, ah, coloring books.

Right.

Got that.

Now this big pink flower, that's Brady Lady.

Brady Lady?

Brady Lady is owned by Alan's wife.

Alan's wife?

She pays the band.

[laughs] Alan's wife pays the band?

Well, it's a perfectly legitimate loophole, Rob.

Wesley, would you check all over these figures

and get an answer back to me right away?

I've been up here 1,000 times, never gave me any flowers.

This lavender flower, now, is Reliance Industries.

So as you can see, Rob, each one of these flowers

is separate from the others and it

would be impossible to pluck a pedal from one

and put it onto the other.

Right.

Well, therefore, you can easily

understand the whole situation.

Not in a million years.

Rob.

Rob, it's so simple.

Mr. Wesley, the only thing I can understand

is I'm paid by a company that's doing great, right.

Now Buddy and Sally are paid by a company that's blah.

Rob, that's it.

That's it.

You've grasped the basic legal point.

So therefore, you can easily see because of the sagging coloring

book picture, it's impossible at this time for me

to approve a raise for Sally and Buddy.

But because of Ishimaru's steadily increasing

industrial index, it is possible for us

to offer all of our executives a 15% raise.

And you, Rob, as one of our top executives,

are getting a 15% raise as of right now.

Congratulations, Rob.

[chuckles]

No, no, no, don't thank me, Rob.

Don't thank me, it's all in the little figures in the books.

But I [inaudible] back the old adding machinery now, Rob.

So if you don't mind--

I came up here for Buddy and Sal--

Come up any time.

It's been real fun, Rob.

LAURA PETRIE: Hi, darling.

Hi, honey.

How'd rehearsal go?

Not so good, huh?

No, rehearsal went fine.

Well, then, what's the matter?

Well, ah, I got a little news for you.

Bad news?

Well, I don't know.

Most people would say it was good news.

Well, what is it?

ROB PETRIE: I had a meeting with Doug Wesley today.

Who?

Doug Wesley, Alan's business manager.

LAURA PETRIE: Oh.

He informed me that I get a 15% raise.

15% more than you're getting now?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Oh, darling, that's marvelous.

I'm so proud of you.

So how come you didn't kiss back?

You, ah-- you weren't kissing me.

You were kissing my money.

I'm not so sure it's my money.

What-- what do you mean?

I went to Doug Wesley today on behalf of Buddy and Sally

to get them a raise, which they deserve, but they didn't get.

You mean you got their raise?

No, no, I got my raise, but they're going

to think that it's their raise.

I don't understand.

Well, honey, what--

you had to be there.

That's all.

Matter of fact, that wouldn't have helped.

I was there and I don't understand.

Well, how could you not understand it?

ROB PETRIE: Honey, you know how every spring when Marvin comes

around and he explains to us about our tax situation

and what our deductions are and everything, and I always make

believe I know what he's talking about?

Yeah.

With Doug Wesley, I couldn't even make believe.

I don't know how I'm ever going to explain what

happened to Buddy and Sally.

Well, I know one thing, darling.

Buddy and Sally would never think you double-crossed them.

What do you-- what do you mean double-crossed them?

I never even had a fight [inaudible]..

Well, because they know you.

Well, if they know me, it doesn't make [inaudible]

than what happened over there.

Rob, if you feel that way, why don't you just tell them you

weren't asking for yourself?

Well, you haven't [inaudible].

Robert Petrie, I did not say that because I

want to keep the money, though I'd like to keep the money.

[chuckles] Good [inaudible] keep the money [inaudible]..

Why can't you do it that way?

Because, honey, [inaudible] that would

to be unethical [inaudible].

No, Rob, you told me many times

before that a lot of head writers

take the whole writing budget and then pay

the other writers themselves.

See, that way you could share the raise.

Or maybe we could give them the whole thing?

Go rinse your mouth out.

Get me Marvin on the phone.

Darling, isn't it kind of late to be calling Marvin?

ROB PETRIE: This is an emergency.

Never see him once a year, all Fools Day just before taxes.

There is a time when he earns his money for once--

It's ringing.

--to tell me how broke I am.

It's not ringing.

Oh, hi, Marvin.

Rob Petrie.

Yeah, listen.

Marvin, you're an accountant.

[chuckles] No, I didn't wake you up to tell you that.

Listen, Marvin, you're always telling me how good, tax wise,

it is to incorporate and hire my own employees.

It is good?

All right, look, would it be possible

for me to arrange with Alan for me to pay the other writers?

Uh-huh, I see.

I see.

I see.

I see, all right.

Thank you, good night, Marvin.

You didn't see.

Well, honey, I never see with him.

What did he say?

Well, he said something about Delaware.

He knows a Panamanian corporation there.

We-- we'd have to move to Switzerland.

You'd be the-- the treasurer of me.

The whole thing, it wouldn't work.

I don't think so.

[groans] You know what I'm gonna have to do?

I'm gonna have to take the raise and then split

it between Buddy and Sally.

Oh, Rob, that won't work.

They'll feel it's charity and you'll feel cheated.

Well, then, I'm gonna have to take the raise

and not tell them about it.

No, no, you don't.

Then you'll hate yourself and you'll

take it out by yelling at me.

Yeah, and Ritchie.

What I should do is take that money

and put it into the Martin and Lewis coloring books.

Martin and Lewis coloring books?

I think you're getting punchy.

Honey, you don't understand business.

The thing is my raise doesn't matter.

If Buddy and Sally don't get their raise,

they're gonna quit.

Well, I know what I have to do.

What?

I have to make myself a big bowl of hot chili

and chopped onions.

Oh, honey, that'll keep you up all night.

You wanna have someone to talk to, don't you?

Get the chili.

Oh, no wonder I'm going bald.

That's all I know.

Now Rob said there are some details

that had to be worked out.

Yeah, that means we didn't get the raise.

Hi, fellas. SALLY ROGERS: Hi.

Hey, he's smiling.

Maybe he worked out things at the management.

Well, [clears throat] not yet.

I'm gonna try and give you the whole picture.

Yeah, I bet those pictures don't

have any presidents on them.

ROB PETRIE: Well, first of all, I met with Doug Wesley.

Did he come through with the raise?

Well, yeah.

Well, how much of a raise?

Well, 15%.

15%?

Hey, that's great.

He's a regular Samuel Gompers.

- It's that-- - That's-- that's great.

Why didn't you tell us last night?

Well, there's a little more.

A little more than 15%?

You mean we split 15%?

No. BUDDY SORRELL: 7.5%

No.

3%?

No, it's 50% raise.

It's there, but nobody got it.

It's a treasure hunt.

All right.

All right, wait a minute now.

Just wait a minute.

Rob, we've used up our 20 questions.

What's going on?

Well, it's a basic thing, but I just

somehow gets all involved if you guys

would just give me a chance. - Uh-huh.

Oh.

It's like this.

Did you-- did you ever see how many of those

Japanese motorcycles are on the streets these days?

What does that got to do with it?

Don't you guys understand what I'm trying to tell you?

I got the 15% raise.

You got our raise?

That's right, and a case of shrimp.

Shrimp?

Yum Yum Shrimp.

Yum Yum Shrimp?

Look, Alan owns a lot of companies.

I am paid by Ishimaru, which is a great company.

You are paid by Tam O'Shanter Limited of Scotland,

which is a rotten company.

That explains it.

He's crazy.

You think I made all that up?

I don't know.

It sounds too ridiculous.

Hey, Rob.

This is on the level, right?

I'm sorry, Sal.

I did my best.

Boy, you did better then your best.

You got yourself a raise.

Yeah, don't forget the case of shrimp.

Wait a minute, I'm not accepting my raise.

Yeah, but Rob, that doesn't do anything for us.

Laura said you'd say that.

All right, look, I'll split it with you, huh?

Oh, no, we're not taking any charity.

Laura said you'd say that too.

Ah, did Laura say, we quit?

No, I said that.

You're right.

Look, I know how you guys feel.

But what in the world good is quitting going to do you?

Well, nothing for my pocketbook, but a lot

for my ego.

Buddy, let's go see that accountant

while we're still b*rned up. Come on.

Yeah.

And while we're there, we'll ask for a raise for you.

Look, fellas, don't be mad at me.

Oh, we're not mad.

That's the secret around here.

You ask for a raise for somebody else, you'll get it.

Well?

Goodbye.

You're kidding.

We'll write to you.

What did he say?

How's Bermuda this time of year?

Very expensive.

All right, so I'll go to a movie.

Sal, you're not serious.

Listen, if I'm like me, I'll never

meet an eligible bachelor.

You're serious.

Right.

Boy, I thought for sure they'd back down.

Yeah, I went upstairs and had what's his name?

At Irving's Accountant.

He told us all about the-- the Japanese motorcycles and

the Lewis Martin coloring book.

Do you know that Alan Brady's wife pays the band?

I know.

The whole thing's insane.

But they let you quit?

I can't believe that.

All right, so what are you gonna do,

arrange a reconciliation between Martin and Lewis?

No.

I'm gonna go up there and give Mr. Numbers

a little lesson in arithmetic.

I want to show him that three writers minus two writers

is no writers.

What do you mean?

If you go, I go.

Hey, you mean that, Rob?

My electric razors in there.

My emergency shirt is there.

My galoshes are in the piano bench.

Pack me and don't leave without me.

Mr. Wesley.

I was kind of expecting you, Rob.

I gather that Buddy and Sally meant what they said.

They sure did.

Well, I tried to explain it to them, Rob,

you know the organization.

I don't want any corporate pictures.

I don't want to hear about motorcycles

or shrimp boats or coloring books or garbage can.

Garbage cans, we don't make garbage cans, Rob.

Oh, no?

Well, that's too bad because that's where

all this kind of junk belongs.

Look, first I want to tell you, I understand that you have

to have corporations and companies

and dozens a little book with a lot of numbers in them,

but numbers didn't make Alan Brady a star.

People do, people like Buddy and Sally.

And if you're such a smart guy, put it out on the air next week

with a motorcycle and an adding machine.

We'll add up how many laughs he gets to the gallon.

Rob, I don't get it.

What do you saying?

I'll make it very clear to you with your own little method.

Mr. Wesley, this pot is the "Alan Brady Show", right.

Right.

Ha.

And this lovely red flower is Alan Brady.

Uh-huh.

No you take away Sally Rogers and Buddy

Sorrell and Robert Petrie.

And all Alan has left is an empty pot.

And if he treats the rest of staff around here

like he treats the writers, he won't even have a pot.

And listen to this.

[phone rings]

Ah, yeah.

What-- hold on a minute.

Rob, what are you saying?

Are you saying that you quit too?

Oh, yes.

I am saying that I quit.

And you can keep your case of shrimp too.

Is that Alan on there? - Yeah.

Good.

I'd just like to tell him that his motorcycle's

may not care what price they put on it, but his people do.

They're human beings, they're not machines, Mr--

never mind.

I'll tell you on the way out.

DOUG WESLEY: Rob, wait a minute.

Alan, yeah.

Yeah, all three of them.

No, contractually they can't quit, but we can fire them.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, we quit.

We quit! [phone clicks]

He hung up.

We quit!

We're quitting!

Hi, g*ng.

Well, well, what he say?

Well, they couldn't give you a raise.

All right, I told you.

All right.

What did you say, did you quit?

Well, they wouldn't let me or you, but he did fire you.

Fired us?

Yes, your contract says he can fire you, but you can't quit.

You mean to say that we don't even get

the satisfaction of quitting?

Yeah, ain't that a shame?

What are you so happy about?

Oh, I'm just happy about your new jobs.

We've got new jobs already?

SALLY ROGERS: With whom?

Barracuda Limited.

Barracuda, what is that?

Alan Brady's mother-in-law, a subsidiary of Brady Lady.

We're playing in the band?

[laughs] No, this is just another

one of Alan's companies.

Hey, Rob, are you serious?

Sure.

You see, Wesley couldn't find one extra dollar

to pay you until he finally realized

that we meant business.

Now what he did was simply fire you

from a company that couldn't afford to pay it

and hire you to one that could.

You mean they had the money all along?

Yeah, they just didn't know what

pocket it was in, that's all.

BUDDY AND SALLY: [cheering and applause]

How about that?

Beautiful.

Yeah, how about-- hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Who do we write for?

Alan Brady or his mother-in-law? ROB PETRIE: [laughs]

Who cares? We got a raise.

We're back in business, we're working.

Yeah, we got our self-respect.

Yeah.

All right, now friends, everybody in working position.

OK, back to the typewriter.

[whistling and then sniffing]

They couldn't be gardening up here.

We're on the 28th floor.

Hi, Rob.

Hi, Sally.

[sniffing] Hey, what kind of shaving lotion are you using?

It's not me, it's the office.

What did you do, shave the office this morning?

No.

Sheepshead Bay.

The Gulf of Mexico.

Mhm?

Hey, Buddy, did a package come for me last Friday?

Yeah, from Reliance Industries.

Where did you put it?

In a filing cabinet under R.

That's for oysters.

You should have put it under S. That is frozen shrimp.

Frozen shrimp in the filing cabinet all weekend?

[groans]

Open everything.

Oh, boy!

Not the piano.

Everybody light matches.

Oh, no.

[theme song]