04x15 - Brother, Can You Spare $2500?

[bunniefuu]

[THEME - EARLE HAGEN, "THE d*ck VAN d*ke SHOW THEME"]

ANNOUNCER: The d*ck Van d*ke Show.

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[music playing]

Oh!

Rob!

Sorry, honey.

I didn't do it on purpose.

I fell.

Are you all right?

Fair.

Well, go back to sleep, honey.

What time is it?

3 o'clock in the morning.

We wrote and rewrote that script for 11 solid hours.

Well, it was worth it, right?

No.

I never worked so hard on anything.

All I have to do is get up in the morning

and correct this darn thing.

Honey, this is a newspaper.

You gonna correct the newspaper, dear?

I thought I had the script in my hand all that time.

Must have dropped it.

Laura!

What? What's the matter?

Everything's the matter.

I lost the script!

You didn't.

Buddy, and Sally, and I worked all night on that script.

We put it in an envelope.

I left with the envelope.

I put it somewhere and I don't know where I put it.

Oh, my foot!

I'm sorry, honey.

I thought that was your foot.

I have two, you know.

Well, didn't you have a carbon copy of the script?

By golly, we did.

It was in the envelope that I lost.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Darling, losing a script doesn't make you stupid.

Yeah, but hitting yourself on the head that hard does.

Are you sure?

Maybe you left it at the office?

No, I didn't, honey.

I remembered leaving the office with it.

Buddy dropped me off with the cab at Grand Central Station.

I remember leaving the cab with it.

You sure you didn't leave it in the cab with Buddy?

No, I remember because buddy said something.

Oh, he said, Rob don't forget the script

it's stinking up the cab.

I went through the east gate.

I remember that.

Stopped at the newsstand.

I bought a paper and an orange drink and a Big Irving.

A Big Irving?

It's a new candy bar from Holland or Israel

or Australia, somewhere.

No, no, I had a grape juice, not an orange drink.

Rob, what difference does that make?

Well, uh, honey, I'm trying to remember everything.

I walked away from the newsstand.

Ah!

What?

I had a root beer and a Big Irving.

Now I remember.

Darling.

Wait a minute, it's all coming back clearly now.

I took the paper.

I sat down on a bench to read and the train came in

and I don't remember getting on the train with it.

You don't?

I left that script in Grand Central Station.

Oh, what a dope! - Wait.

Stop.

Instead of hitting yourself, darling, get up early tomorrow

morning and go to the Lost and Found department

and check for it.

I'll drive you into town.

You might as well get some sleep.

Too worried to go to sleep.

[grunts] Oh boy, Buddy and Sally are gonna be so sorry for me.

Sorry for you?

Don't you think they're gonna be just a little bit mad?

Oh no, they won't be mad.

They'll be sorry.

If I don't get that script I'm jumping in front of a train

and they're gonna be sorry.

[music playing]

[music playing]

Where is that guy?

We've been here almost a half an hour, honey.

That's because we're half an hour early.

How's your headache?

Well, I took a couple aspirin.

It's all gone, except for the pain.

Oh, if that script isn't here.

Oh, good morning.

Good morning, folks.

Are you the, uh, Lost and Found man?

Yep.

- Oh well, I lost a-- - Slow down.

If you weren't in such a hurry you probably

wouldn't have lost that thing.

Well, it wasn't a thing exactly.

You'll just have to wait until I open up.

Now, where's that key?

Oh, you know, I actually lost it once.

There we are.

Ah!

30 years.

I do this every morning.

Now, you say you lost?

Yes, I lost, I lost a manilla envelope.

It had a television script in it.

What are you, an actor or something?

No, I'm a television writer.

Oh, that's even better.

She must be an actor.

No, that's my wife.

Oh, you're better off.

So you're married to a writer, huh?

Yes, and my husband lost a very important manuscript.

It was for this week's "Alan Brady Show."

He writes for a big show like that?

I'm very pleased to meet you.

Keene, Keene is the name.

Harry Keene.

Oh, nice to meet you.

My name is Rob Petrie

Oh, I've seen that name on TV many times.

Yeah, could you look for the script?

Well, I'll tell you what, you just, uh, fill out this form

and describe what you lost.

Well, it was just a plain manilla envelope.

Anything written on it?

Well, there was a picture of a P38

sh**ting down a Messerschmidt.

Well, I was doodling, honey.

You, you, you put that on the form and put it all down

and we'll take a look.

Don't you think that my job would make a good TV series?

Well, I don't know.

I even got a name.

I even got a title for it.

Oh?

Yes.

"Harry Keene: Lost and Found."

Here you are.

Oh yes, let's see.

Now we'll just take a look and see what came in here.

Just a minute, please.

Here we are.

These are some of the things the porters found last night.

Each one is a story.

Oh boy, if this rye bread could only talk.

Well, there's, there's no television script in there.

You think it might turn up later?

Maybe.

You never can tell what'll happen in this place.

It's the pulse of the city.

Yeah.

Well, thank you very much.

- [inaudible] - Come on, honey.

Where are we going now?

I've got to go back to the office

and tell Buddy and Sally I lost the script

and I want you with me. - Me?

Why?

Cause they won't hit me in front of my wife.

Boy, after all that work.

If your wife wasn't here I'd belt you.

You really didn't, right?

I wish you'd quit saying that. I did it.

I did it.

I did it.

Well, why don't you quick find an alibi.

Rob didn't do it on purpose.

Neither did Mrs. O'Leary's cow,

but go explain that to the Chicago Fire Department.

All I know is I had nothing to do with it.

Worked like a dog till three this morning,

put in great jokes, from then on I

free myself of all responsibility.

Boy, I'm telling you, Buddy, that's what I like about you.

Through thick and thin you're never there.

You know you're all really acting silly?

Why don't you just rewrite it?

It's not that much work is it?

You know, I once wrote a composition

that was six pages long.

So you know what I did?

I lost it.

So I sat myself down in a quiet room

with no disturbances and I--

Say, honey, why don't you go ahead and do your shopping.

There's no use hanging around here.

Yeah, we'll figure something out.

We gotta talk about it, you know.

Well OK, but--

say, why don't you do this week's show about losing

an Alan Brady show?

A script like you did, and Alan would sort of

have to ad-lib it, you know, just the way it happened,

you know.

Or, I've got it.

Why don't you take the best of Alan Brady, you know,

where you take all the film clips of the past shows

and put it-- like you did that time when Alan got sick,

remember?

You took the best parts of all the shows,

and nobody liked it did they?

Well, I've gotta get on with my shopping.

Um, shall I pick you up some socks and underwear, darling?

Well, you only have two pair.

Honey, we're just a little edgy after last night,

you know.

Listen Rob, you asked me to come.

I know.

I'll, I'll call you.

Well, she's concerned.

I think we better try and rewrite it.

Why don't you just run out and buy some underwear?

No, I'm serious, you guys.

Look, the script is fairly fresh in our minds.

Now we can-- Alan played Sherlock Holmes.

Uh, uh, what's his name played Watson.

Oh boy, is it fresh in our minds.

You can't even remember the name of the guest.

We have got to hand Alan something today.

Why don't we hand him our resignation?

All I remember is the jokes I wrote.

Yeah, well I only remember it was 32 pages long

and a lot of hard work.

Look, I think we can do it.

Let's try.

Rob, you lost the script on the train.

I lost it the minute I left here last night.

BUDDY: Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We had-- [phone rings]

Hey, maybe that's the guy from the Lost and Found.

Hello. BUM (ON PHONE): Hello.

Is this the "Alan Brady Show?"

Well, yes it is.

BUM (ON PHONE): Uh, is this the fella that writes the show?

Well, uh, this is Rob Petrie, yes.

Who's this?

Oh, you don't know me.

I'm a bum.

It's a bum.

Oh, that's nice.

I told my Uncle Phil not to call here.

What do you want?

Yeah well, I found some papers I think belong to you.

The bum found the script.

Wow!

I found it in Grand Central Station.

I used it last night as a pillow.

That's it! That's it!

You know, you got a good show.

Well, thanks a lot.

I always watch it in the window

of a TV store on 8th Avenue.

Look, can you jump in a cab and get over here right away?

We need that desperately.

Yeah.

I need the bus fare.

We'll, we'll pay for it.

Hey, as a matter of fact, we'll we'll

be happy to give you a reward.

A reward?

Uh, do you think you could give me 25 bucks?

ROB (ON PHONE): You got it.

25 bucks?

That's right.

Look, that show's worth a fortune to us.

Yeah? ROB (ON PHONE): Oh, yeah.

We've been going out of our minds

without that, that script.

A whole network TV show [inaudible]..

We can't do without it.

We can't even duplicate it.

- No kidding? - Yeah.

Can, will you please get over here

right away to bring it to us?

Yeah, only, only one thing; forget the 25 bucks.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

I want 2500 bucks.

[inaudible] Uh.

He wants $2,500 for it.

2,500!

Well, he can't be serious.

Well, he sounds serious.

Uh look, uh, Bum, whatever your name is.

Hey, I'm not telling you my name.

Well, I'm not asking for your name.

Look, we made a deal for $25.

That's before I knew how much this thing is worth.

Now it's $2,500.

Well, that's not a reward.

That's ransom.

I didn't steal it.

I found it.

Look that script's worthless to you.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe I'll get some of my friends

and do a show in the park.

That's not funny.

I'm dead serious, pal.

$2,500, take it or leave it.

All right, I'll leave it.

BUM (ON PHONE): Yeah, well listen to this.

What was that?

BUM (ON PHONE): That was page one

of your script being ripped.

- Why you-- - Think it over.

I'll call you back.

Remember it's $2,500, or you'll never your script again.

Well?

Our script is being held for ransom.

Look, I got it figured out.

3 into 2500 goes $833.33, and you pay the extra penny.

Come on, you know we're not going

to pay that kind of money.

We could have got him for $25 if it hadn't

been for Mr. Enthusiasm here.

That script is worth a fortune to us.

Boy, if I ever get kidnapped I hope they don't call you.

Me and my big mouth.

I'm stupid, stupid, stupid.

Well, if you want somebody to disagree with you go

look for a stranger.

I still think that bum was bluffing about that offer.

I'm sure he was.

Thing is we'll never get him back down to $25 again.

How much do you think he'd want?

I don't know.

He sounded desperate to me.

You know I was thinking, when he calls back what if we just

offer him what we got on us?

Make him a quick deal and maybe he'll take that, huh.

ROB: Yeah.

Nah, I don't think that's a good idea.

Why not?

We gotta do something.

Besides, Mel will be back in here for the script any minute.

Why don't we pool our resources?

Wait a minute.

I got, uh, I got 15 bucks.

Darn it, all I've got's a five.

I gave Laura her allowance.

Well, that's 20.

That's not a pool, it's a puddle.

Yeah.

How about you, Buddy?

I think this whole thing is kind of silly.

He must be loaded.

Grab him.

All right, all right.

All right.

I got $77, but I was saving it for, for another occasion.

Yeah, what other occasion?

Arbor Day.

Arbor Day?

Yeah, every Arbor Day I buy a new set of woods.

Look Buddy, you can get a new set of golf clubs tomorrow.

I'll pay you back when I go to the bank.

Well, there goes another Arbor Day.

Standing there with your hand out like

that you look like my wife.

All right, that gives us $97.

Yeah well, you think that's enough?

Well I'd rather it was 100.

A hundred sounds like more.

Well, it's 97 or nothing.

Hey, speaking of nothing, look who's here.

Hi, Mel.

Uh, Rob, Alan asked me to pick up the script.

What'd he say, fetch or go get it, boy?

Mel, we got a few more, uh, jokes to go.

We'll have it in a little while.

Oh, shall I tell Alan you'll have it ready by 4 o'clock?

Well, I don't know, Mel.

Oh.

What's that?

Uh, that's money.

A, uh, contribution Mel, for, it's for a needy person.

Would you like to toss in something?

Why certainly.

Be glad to, uh, give a dollar.

I am always willing to give a helping hand.

Some helping hand.

That ain't even a nickel a knuckle.

Hey Mel, you know, $2 more would

make it a nice round figure.

All right, $2 it is.

What'll I tell Alan about the script?

Well, uh, tell him we'll have it pretty soon.

All right.

He won't be very happy about this.

Hey, you wanna make him happy, sh**t yourself.

You know the trouble with him?

One day he's here and the next day he's here.

I owe you one.

OK.

Now we got 100 bucks.

Look, I'll pay you guys back.

Oh no, I think we should all share in the ransom.

What's keeping that bum?

He should've called back by now.

[phone rings]

Yeah.

Dinner tonight?

Well, I don't care.

Doesn't make a-- roast, steak, chicken, anything.

Doesn't matter.

Fine.

I don't want to tie this line up.

Hey, I'm expecting a call from my wife too.

That was your wife.

Your having chicken tonight.

[music playing]

Staring at it won't make it ring.

[phone rings]

All right, I'm wrong.

Hello.

BUM (ON PHONE): Hello.

Well, what is it gonna be?

It's him.

Where have you been?

Hey, it took me a little while to panhandle the dime.

Look, I've talked to my other writers.

We've decided we will give you $100.

How about 1,500?

$100, not a penny more.

I hate to haggle.

I'll never be a businessman.

Good.

Now will you please bring it over here.

I'm not gonna bring it anyplace.

You take a 100 bucks and put it in a plain paper bag

and bring it to 14th Street Park.

Oh, don't be so dramatic.

Hey, I saw it in the movies once.

It'll work perfect.

Now, take the bag of dough and drop it in the garbage can.

In a garbage can?

Yeah, the one near the Louis Wexler water fountain.

The what?

The water fountain.

It was dedicated by Louis Wexler.

You'll see it.

Take the bag of dough, drop it in the garbage can,

I'll pick it up, and drop you the script.

You are ridiculous.

Just be careful, and come alone.

Goodbye.

What are you doing?

Getting a paper sack.

I'll see you guys later.

Where are you going?

I'm going to make the drop.

Come on, Warren.

Let's sit down, dear.

My feet are k*lling me.

I wanna drink.

Oh, drink.

Uh, excuse me, is that the Louis Wexler water fountain?

I don't know, but anybody could drink from it.

Oh, yeah.

There's, there's the plaque.

Really?

Yeah, I never noticed.

Uh, excuse me, do you happen to have the time?

I don't know if my watch is correct here.

No, I'm sorry, I don't have a watch, but my son Warren does.

Tell the man what time it is, Warren angel.

No.

Warren you're gonna drive me crazy?

He's gonna drive me crazy.

Come on, I'll push you on the swing.

Warren, please don't eat my heart out.

You'll drive me to an early grave.

You're just like your father.

Hey, hey, hey fella, you got a little something

for a needy bum?

I sure have.

You want me to put the money in the garbage can?

Oh, you'd really like to take away my last shred of dignity

wouldn't you?

You, you said!

I'll have you know [inaudible] Decker

doesn't crawl for anybody.

[grumbling]

Well, I'm sorry.

I though you were--

[inaudible] Decker.

Hey, wait minute.

Come on, where is it?

What?

Don't try to bluff.

If you want more money from me, you're not getting it.

Oh, I don't want any more money.

I'm, I'm satisfied with this.

You give it to me or I'll call the police.

Hey look, I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll split with you.

I don't want to split it.

I want that script, mister!

Oh, what's a script?

You know darn well what a script is.

That's my money!

Give me that.

That's my money!

Hey, officer, officer!

Arrest that man.

He tried to rob me.

I did not.

We had a deal.

I don't know what he's talking about.

That's not true.

You called me this afternoon.

I haven't made a phone call since 1947.

Officer he did!

Look, why don't we just all go downtown and talk it over.

Come on. - Well, wait, wait a minute.

My bum's coming. He's expecting me.

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry.

We'll get you a bum all your own.

[shouting]

And, you guys called the police, they released me,

I went straight back and checked the garbage can.

Well, did you find anything?

No, nothing.

The sanitation department emptied it out.

I should have gotten back there faster to check the can but I--

did you ever try to explain to the cops about a brown paper

bag with money in it?

It takes a lot of talking.

It's gonna take a lot more to try

and explain to Alan, no script.

Rob, you really blew it again.

Oh come on, Buddy.

No, he's right, Sal.

It was my fault. When Mel comes in here I wanna take the blame.

No, no, come on. Come on.

We'll all take the blame.

We'll each take 50% of the blame.

That's three halves, there.

So forget my half.

[phone rings]

Yeah, Marge?

MARGE (ON PHONE): Mr. Petrie, there's a bum here to see you.

A bum!

What does he look like?

Never mind, I don't know what he looks like.

Uh, send him in.

Do you think it's him?

Well, it could be one of the other bums wanting a handout.

Look, don't rule out my Uncle Phil.

Hi, everybody.

Oh!

My airplanes!

Hey, our script!

Why weren't you at that park?

I was.

I saw you get hauled off and spill everything to that cop.

You were there?

Sure.

I was a few minutes late.

Hey, guys like us don't have any watches, you know.

Look, if you want that money--

Forget the money.

Forget the money?

Yeah, after the cops know everything about it.

Listen, if you don't take any money there's no crime, right?

Uh, well, I don't know.

I guess so.

Well then, why did you bother to bring that back at all?

I figured if I throw the script away, I'd have nothing

and you'd have nothing.

Now if I could send it to you, then you'd have something

and I'd have nothing.

But if I brought it up to you and you gave me the $25 reward,

we'd both have something.

He even thinks like my Uncle Phil.

What do you say, fella?

Well, I don't know.

The guy tried to hold us up for ransom.

Don't look at me.

He's your friend.

You know, I didn't really do nothing, you know.

I didn't steal it.

I found it.

And I been down on my luck since the last crash.

Since 1929?

Was there another one?

Well, I guess everything worked out all right,

so here's your $25.

Gee, $25.

Gee, thanks a lot.

And listen, don't say nothing to nobody, huh?

You know, I don't want to go to jail.

You know, when you're out of the park more than 30 days

you lose your bench.

Here take this.

Gee, 20 extra bucks, thanks.

Well look, I don't approve of what you did

or what you tried to do, but well,

maybe with $45 you can buy yourself a new suit.

You know, money isn't everything.

You know, I'll say one thing, I have

enough money saved for the rest of my life,

unless I have to buy something.

Rob.

Hi, Mel.

Oh, excuse me, I, I came for the script.

Oh, here it is, and I hope Alan

appreciates it after all we went through to get it, write it.

Well listen, I'll see you again.

I gotta be going.

Sal, take care of yourself and watch out

whatever you do, and you too.

Take care.

Who was that?

Mel, that's you in two years.

[music playing]

OK.

Now the dance hall girl goes up to Alan and says,

why did you become the sheriff?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and Alan says I used to be a cowpuncher

but one of the cows started punching back.

It's good, huh?

- No, that's terrible. - He's right.

It stinks. Forget it.

Oh, I wish you guys would make up your mind.

You know, it's not easy to erase 11 carbon copies.

11!

Yeah, I'm not taking any chances on losing another one.

Come on you guys, we can get the joke.

Hey, how about the one--

Hi, everybody.

Hey, look at this.

Yeah, look at that.

The playboy of the month.

Well, hi. Good to see you.

You look, look swell.

How you, how you been?

Thanks to you I didn't get drunk.

You know, with the money I went out

and I bought a brand new secondhand suit

and went in business myself.

What kind of business?

Stealing scripts.

Here's one from the "Jackie K Show."

Where did you get that?

Hey, with a new suit you can get in anywhere.

Hey, maybe you could use it and give me a couple of bucks.

Look, I'm gonna go to that phone

and I'm gonna call the "Jackie K Show",

and if you don't get out of here right now

I'm gonna call the cops. - OK.

OK.

Boy, that's the trouble with the people in the world.

You try to help them out and all you get is aggravation,

aggravation, and aggravation!

You try to be a nice guy.

Go out, study, do things, work your knuckles, and try.

What are you going to go with a guy like this?

Every time [inaudible].

How about that guy?

Of all the nerve!

Stealing jokes from another show.

Buddy, what are you doing?

Thought maybe I'd find a good cowboy joke here.

[THEME - EARLE HAGEN, "THE d*ck VAN d*ke SHOW THEME"]

[THEME - EARLE HAGEN, "THE d*ck VAN d*ke SHOW THEME"]