04x24 - Bupkis

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Rich, I've got a sneaking suspicion these are going

to be the most gorgeous sunny-side-uppers

ever made by a father.

Whether to eat them or have them preserved in plastic.

Oh, those are pretty.

OK, the last operation.

Ah-ah, a little sticky.

There you go.

Look at that.

Two absolutely perfect, unbroken yolks.

Rich-- ooh!

You made me break my yolks.

I'm sorry.

But look, you had to break them eventually, right?

You'll never understand, will you?

Come on, Rich.

You're gonna be late for school.

Darling, have you heard a weather report?

No, I was trying to make perfect eggs.

Well, see if you can get one on the radio, will you?

I never know how to have a dress Ritchie for school.

RITCHIE: I don't want to wear a goofy raincoat.

REPORTER (ON RADIO): On the West Side Highway,

traffic is backed up on the southbound lane.

Please use alternate routes.

The Grand Concourse and East River Drive

are also heavily congested.

Those are the alternate routes.

Gonna be one of those days.

Broken yolks, no alternate routes.

What's gonna be next?

WOMAN (SINGING ON RADIO): It's time for the weather.

Nighttime, daytime, summertime, wintertime, it's

always time for the weather.

Weather, weather, weather, weather, weather, weather,

weather, weather, weather, weather,

weather, weather, weather, weather, weather, weather.

Nighttime, daytime, summertime, wintertime.

Weather, weather, weather, weather,

weather, weather, weather--

ROB: It's time for the weather, I think.

Oh. Well, thanks, darling.

I don't need it.

I just looked out the window, and it's raining.

- Mm-hmm. - Bye.

Bye.

I hate to wear a stupid raincoat.

REPORTER (ON RADIO): The forecast

for the metropolitan area today is warm and cloudy.

Wise guy.

Look out the window.

REPORTER (ON RADIO): And now back

to music over WIFE, wife, the radio station

most people are married to.

I'd like to have a divorce.

REPORTER (ON RADIO): Here's a little tune that just came out.

Could be a real big one.

It's the Dum-Dums singing "Bupkis."

"Bupkis"?

DUM-DUMS (ON RADIO): (SINGING) You

took my arm, a golden charm, a diamond mine, a love so fine,

yeah.

But what did I get from you?

Bupkis!

What did I get from you?

Bupkis!

Bupkis is a lot of nothing, and that's what I got from you.

Bupkis is a lot of nothing, and that's what I got from you.

Yeah, "Bupkis."

Right.

Hello?

Hi.

Listen, can I speak to you--

is this WIFE?

Good, because I want to speak to your disk jockey.

Yes, the morning man.

DUM-DUMS (ON RADIO): (SINGING) Bupkis!

Bupkis.

Hello.

Hi.

I just want to ask about that song you're playing.

Yeah, that's "Bupkis," right?

Can you tell me what the name is on the label?

Well, yeah, I know it's "Bupkis."

I mean, who wrote it?

Buzzy Potter?

Right, who else?

Nobody?

Just Buzzy Potter?

You're sure?

Yeah, thank you very much.

Oh, yeah, it's a cute tune.

I thought it was cute when I wrote it.

Hi, Rob.

ROB: Hi.

Aren't you gonna hold the door open for me, gentleman Jim?

I let you carry the coffee.

What do you want?

Hi, Rob. Here's your coffee.

Hi, Sal.

Thank you. - There.

What you got there?

Oh, all the music business trade papers.

Boy, I haven't looked at those since "Yuk-a-Puk"

slipped out of the top 50.

"Yuk-a-Puk" didn't slip.

It was pushed.

Hey, which one of these magazines

is the best indicator of the popularity of a song?

Ah, they're all about the same.

Alan isn't gonna do another one of those satires

on rock and roll, is he? I hate them.

I love them.

They're funny.

There it is, "Bupkis" by the Dum-Dums.

- That's not funny. - Yeah.

Well, just look in the new release list there.

Hey, let me see.

Here.

"Bupkis."

Hey, that's a real song.

"Bupkis" is a Yiddish word meaning "nothing."

Yeah, I know.

I wrote that.

You wrote "Bupkis"?

Yeah.

I learned a lot of good words when

I was in the Army from Saul Pomerantz--

"bupkis" and "shlemiel," "farblonjet," and "tzimmes."

Hey, your name isn't here.

It says by Buzzy Potter.

You don't think any guy who wrote a song called "Bupkis"

recorded by the Dum-Dums is gonna use his real name,

do you?

It just so happens I wrote that song with Buzzy Potter.

Oh, and they left your name out?

No, he left it out.

Oh, Potter's a crook?

No, Petrie's a jerk.

Well, what'd you do this time?

Well-- what do you mean this time?

Want me to list it alphabetically?

First time you said you were a jerk,

you broke your tooth biting into a soft chicken sandwich.

And then another time, you were hypnotized,

and every time a bell rang, you acted like you were drunk.

How about the time he landed in the hospital

after he wrestled with a stuffed monkey?

What about when I left my script

at Grand Central Station?

BUDDY: Oh-ho! And remember the time--

That's enough.

I think we've proven what I am.

You guys remember Buzzy Potter?

Yeah, I remember Buzzy Potter.

Yeah?

Yeah, he's the guy who wrote "Bupkis." you just told me.

SALLY: Come on.

No, I don't think you guys ever met him.

He was a guy I wrote songs with in the Army.

A couple of months ago, he started calling

me on the phone, bothering me.

I finally ask him to come up here.

And we sat around talking about the good old days.

Uh, Corporal Bloom and Lieutenant Plahokiss.

That's it. - That's right.

You remember the entire company.

Yeah, all 120 of them.

Those were the good old days.

And you forgot one guy, the drummer.

What was his name?

He had a crazy name.

I don't remember any drummer.

So it was Six--

Sticks Rangoon?

Oh yeah, that's it. Listen, do you remember--

No, that's not his name.

Not Rang-- how come you remember everybody,

but you don't remember the drummer?

Who, drummers?

With all that noise they make, who can remember their names?

I do remember the first song you and I wrote together.

Do you?

No.

(SINGING) Sergeant Foley is the guy

in charge of our platoon.

He bears a great resemblance to an anthropoid baboon.

Sergeant Foley, roly-poly Sergeant

Foley, the anthropoid baboon.

You know, I got two weeks in KP for doing that.

How come you didn't?

Well, that's the breaks.

Music business is a crazy business.

Remember this from the revue we wrote?

Oh, "It's a Funny w*r."

Yeah.

Oh, that's great.

I remember that.

Let's see.

(SINGING) I'm in love, I'm in love with Attila the Hun.

Atilla the Hun, Atilla the Hun.

We'll pillage a village and k*ll everyone.

I still love Atilla the Hun.

That was a great song.

Hey, listen to this.

(SINGING) She was the only girl I ever really loved,

the only love I've ever known.

But why, oh why, did she stand in front

of the g*ns of Navarone?

Yeah, yeah, I remember that.

No, I just wrote that.

It's on the Alan Brady show next week.

I thought I wrote it.

Well, it just goes to prove to you,

you still write the best lyrics, Rob.

Not really, Buzzy.

Oh, yes you do.

Since I got out of the Army, I tried writing

lyrics with 20 other guys.

And not one of them had that Rob Petrie touch.

Oh, you're real talented.

But I got to admit, when I think of how lucky you've been,

I get a little jealous in here.

Oh, well, well, I guess I've done OK.

OK?

You're writing a top TV show, and I'm

still trying to peddle songs.

Well, you know, Buzzy, you're gonna hit it someday.

Well, I could, you know, if I had your help.

Look, Buzz--

Now, look.

We got over 12 great tunes in here.

With a little work, they could all be hits.

Oh, Buzz.

You know the odds against that.

Besides, I've got a job here.

I haven't got the time.

That's why I'm here, Rob.

Give up this job.

What?

Give up this job!

Look, we'll push the old tunes, and we'll sell new ones.

Oh, look, Buzz--

Come on.

It'll be like the good old days in the Army.

Well, to me, those days weren't all that good.

Now, look here.

We could work a few evenings a week!

I like to go home after work.

Oh, yeah.

Sure, Rob.

You got the job, and the home, and the wife, and the kids.

And I got nothing and nobody.

I'm sorry, Buzz.

Well, being sorry doesn't help.

I'm willing to give up everything

I have to push these tunes.

And you're not willing to give up a thing.

I can't give up my job, Buzz.

What do you want me to give up?

I don't know, Rob.

That's your problem.

Buzz, can I lend you some money?

Oh, Rob.

The only other thing to give up are the tunes.

- Outright? - What?

What do you mean, outright?

I mean, mine, 100%.

Well, OK.

Well, OK, Rob.

If that's way you feel about it, we'll do it your way.

Well, Buzz, I hope you find one song in there that'll

make you a couple of bucks.

Which one?

- Any one. - Oh.

Well, OK, Rob.

Fine.

Let's do this again sometime.

(SINGING) I'm in love.

I'm in love with Attila the Hun.

So you gave him the whole trunk full of songs?

What else could I do?

Anything but that.

Boy, that was really stupid.

You think so too, Sal?

No, not at the time you did it.

It was stupid at the time too.

Get a lawyer.

Hey, my cousin Irving's a lawyer.

Why do we need a lawyer?

To sue Buzzy.

He stole half your songs, didn't he?

Oh, didn't you hear?

Mr. Nifty gave it to him.

In writing?

Well, it doesn't make any difference.

It's a verbal agreement. - Verbal, shmerbal.

You could be losing a fortune.

Well, what kind of a guy would I be if I went back on my word?

My kind of guy.

He set you up for it, didn't he?

Well, I'm not sure.

But you suspect?

Um--

Then you need a lawyer, Irving the lawyer.

Oh, Buddy, will you cut it out with the lawyers?

Somebody's got to do something.

Rob, what did Laura say?

Nothing.

You mean she's that understanding?

Sure.

Besides, I haven't told her yet, and I don't think I'm going to.

[music playing]

If I could just find this one piece.

It's mostly lake, and a duck's nose on it.

Nope.

Darling, will you help me with this?

Rob, you're staring at me again.

No, honey.

I just noticed how cute you look.

I love your hair that way.

Well, thank you, dear.

But I always wear it this way.

I've always loved it.

I just-- I meant to tell you.

Is there anything the matter?

No.

No, I was just sitting here thinking, you know,

honey, life's a lot like that jigsaw puzzle.

Oh?

How?

Well, it's like a-- you know, a lot

of little meaningless pieces that you put together,

and then you see.

You understand everything, the whole picture, you know?

Like that farm in Vermont there.

No, that's Central Park.

It is?

Funny.

Upside down, that looks like Vermont.

That sure is.

Well, you see, everything looks different.

Depends on your vantage point.

What-- what are you-- what piece are you looking for?

A duck's nose.

Honey, that's a duck's bill.

I know.

I just like to call it a nose.

"Bill" sounds too snooty.

Ha!

I made a joke.

Oh, you're witty, nice hair, everything, nice smile.

You're OK, kid.

Rob, do you have my nose?

No, honey. No, see?

I don't have it.

It's on here somewhere.

Hey, you remember Buzzy Potter?

Buzzy Potter?

Mm.

Oh, from the Army.

Yeah.

He dropped in to see me the other day.

Oh?

How is he?

Oh, fine, fine.

I always felt kind of uncomfortable around him.

Yeah, me too.

I never understood how you two got along,

much less write songs together.

He was kind of sleazy.

Sleazy.

Boy, right again.

And pretty bad songs too.

Oh, wow.

Whoo, boy.

The worst in the whole world.

I'm kind of embarrassed I wrote them.

You know what he wanted?

- A taxicab. - Huh?

Forget the nose. Look for a cab.

It's this part here.

Oh.

Son of a g*n, you know, wanted to team up again.

Wanted us to be partners again.

What'd you say?

Well, I mean, what would you say?

Absolutely not.

Right.

That's exactly what I said.

Good.

- You want some coffee, honey? - Mm, thank you.

I'd love some.

Yeah, well, I told him I'm too busy.

That's for sure.

Right.

You know, he wanted us to team up and rewrite

some of the old songs.

And I said, like you said, I said, they're terrible.

Oh, good.

Yeah, right.

That's what I said.

Well, he was persistent, you know?

And I-- you know, I was very firm with him.

Very good.

Yeah.

Well, you know, you know what I did?

You don't know what I found out.

What, dear?

Well, I-- you know, it did get him

out of my hair and everything.

I just-- I gave him the songs outright.

That's all.

Well, I wouldn't have done that.

You wouldn't have done that?

Oh, no, Rob.

They might have been rotten songs.

But you know, I hear a lot of rotten songs on the radio,

and they're big hits.

Well, yeah, but I felt sorry for him.

Well, that's that's very sweet of you, darling.

But you know, suppose one of those songs that you

gave away became a huge hit.

I mean, you'd probably feel awful ridiculous,

sit around here with your mouth open and blinking your eyes.

Rob, you're blinking your eyes.

Rob?

Honey, you can't classify it as a hit--

yet, anyway.

LAURA: What? - "Bupkis."

- What? - "Bupkis."

Oh yeah.

I remember that one.

That's a hit?

Oh, no.

I just-- I don't know.

I just heard it this morning.

Where? ROB: On the air.

Where?

On the radio.

The Dum-Dums made a recording of it.

Is it a hit?

Well, no, honey.

You can't-- "bupkis" is a Yiddish

word that means "nothing."

Rob?

And "Bupkis" is--

"Bupkis" is going to just turn out to be

that, I think, just bupkis.

Well, you know, I mean, it might turn out to be a--

what is the Yiddish word for, oh boy, did I goof?

Try "oy vey."

Oy vey.

Oh, that works fine.

Very good.

DUM-DUMS (ON RADIO): (SINGING) --what you'll get from me.

Bupkis!

Bupkis is a lot of nothing, and that's what you'll get from me.

Bupkis is a lot of nothing, and that's what you'll get from me.

Bupkis!

See, honey?

Stinks!

It's a stinker, isn't it?

Enough to be a big hit.

Oh, it's not that bad.

Well, he-- look, he's only sold one record of it so far.

Does Buzzy get a royalty on it?

Well, $0.02 on a record.

Darling, how much is a million times $0.02?

Oh, honey, I'll never see the day that sells a million.

How can you be so sure?

If this reaches a half a million, I'll k*ll myself.

Look, just for fun, just for fun, how much is a million

times a couple of pennies?

Well, I don't know.

2, uh, 20--

I don't know.

I don't know.

Two million pennies, that's all.

Two million pennies?

Well, only a million.

I'd only get half, anyway.

Oh, would you just think what we could

get with one million pennies?

Copper poisoning?

LAURA: Oh.

Hey, I'm a dope. I don't know what--

I gave him the song. I gave him my word.

That is it.

Unless--

Unless what?

Well, unless he tricked me.

Tricked you?

Well, no, forced me into a position where I had to do what

I did.

Is he that smart?

You mean, am I that dumb?

Well, it sounded nicer the other way.

No, honey, if I gave him the record,

I'm just going to have to be a good sport about it

and live with it.

Yeah, but if he connived and took

advantage of your good nature--

For which I am very well known.

Yes.

Well, then you'd have every right in the world

to do something about it.

It's a tricky situation.

He didn't trick me into it.

I just got to live with it.

If I could only talk to the guy.

Better yet, better yet, write to him.

Yeah.

Why is that better yet?

Write him a note congratulating him

on his success! - Wait a minute.

What do you see that I don't see here?

Well, darling, when he gets your note,

if he's any kind of a nice guy at all,

he'll get in touch with you.

And who knows?

Oh yeah.

And if he's not a nice guy--

Well, write to him and find out.

Ah, no, wait a minute.

You do the writing, and I am gonna dictate.

Honey, look.

Don't mind, just write.

I'll finish it myself later.

OK, you watch, and I'll write.

You broke my yolks.

Hi, Rich.

Hi, Dad.

What's the matter?

"Bupkis."

Again?

Yeah.

The kids keep saying I'm a liar.

Look, Rich.

I'm telling you once and for all, pay

no attention to what they say.

I'm telling you that I wrote that song,

and that's all that matters.

But they say, if you wrote the song,

your name would be on the record.

Rich-- well, that's a pretty good argument.

Well, what do you say?

What you told Mommy last night.

What's that?

That Buzzy Potter's a rat for not even calling or anything,

and if you ever saw him, you'd break his nose.

I never said I'd break his nose.

I put that in to make you sound tough.

Thanks.

LAURA: Rob, is that you?

You just do your homework and forget about it.

Coming.

Hi.

That wasn't the greatest kiss in the whole world,

but up till now, it's the high point of my day.

Well, then you better get ready for the low.

Huh?

Mr. Potter has replied indirectly.

Sunderland, Sachs, and Engelhart, attorneys at law?

Why would attorneys be writing me?

Maybe to tell you something legal?

Well.

Dear Mr. Petrie, your kind note of congratulations

to Mr. Potter prompted us to take this opportunity

to ask for your signature on the enclosed document, which states

you relinquish to him all rights to songs

you previously owned jointly.

Why those dirty--

Those dirties go on to say that your verbal agreement is

quite binding, but it would be nice to have it in writing,

legally.

Oh, it would, would it?

LAURA: You're not gonna sign it, are you?

Oh, yes.

How do you like my penmanship?

We were worried about ethics, and morals, and your good word.

You want to hear a couple of good words?

Rob, what are you gonna do?

Tell you what I'm gonna do--

exactly what I can do.

Nothing.

Nothing?

Well, I talked to our lawyer, honey.

The verbal agreement is valid in court.

The only thing this letter does is just change my attitude.

Before, I felt stupid and suspicious.

But now I'm furious.

You know what you ought to do?

You ought to go see Mr. Potter.

Oh, no.

But I'm gonna go pay Mr. Potter a visit.

Darling, I just said that.

Well, what difference does it make who said it,

as long as I do it?

Rob, you're eating raw fish.

You're telling me.

[music playing]

When did Mr. Potter say he'd be back?

Well, with him, you never know.

He's a real operator.

Yeah, I know.

I'm one of his operations.

What do you know?

If Frank Sinatra would sing this, it would be a hit.

Listen.

If Frank Sinatra would sing that song, it'd be a miracle.

Well, what does he know?

Timmy Tone Deaf.

Is Mr. Sharazan in?

No, all three of them are out.

They won't be in today until tomorrow.

Anybody here from Anvil Music?

We don't have an Anvil Music here.

It's right on the door.

How about that?

Boy, they come and go here.

Excuse me, miss.

Oh, hello.

For the 14th time, Sticks Mandalay to see Buzzy Potter.

RECEPTIONIST: Well, for the 15th time, he ain't in,

Mr. Mandalay.

STICKS: And for the 16th time, I don't have all day to waste.

And the longer I wait, the rougher it's gonna be on him.

RECEPTIONIST: Good.

He's not my favorite person either.

Sticks. Sticks, not Rangoon.

Sticks Mandalay.

Sticks Mandalay!

Yeah.

Rob Petrie, Camp Crowder.

Hey, how are you?

Just great, Sticks. How you been?

Oh, fine.

But I haven't been Sticks for about 10 years.

I gave it up when I gave up the drums.

It's Frank.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, I mean, Frank's a great name.

But I'm sorry you gave up the sticks.

You were a great drummer.

Thanks.

Well, I still, you know, paradiddle every now and then

when I went my wife and kids to know I'm still around.

I just use Sticks for the old Army guys.

Hey, you know, I ran into Buzzy Potter the other day,

and I couldn't remember your name to save me.

What?

Well, I mean, I couldn't remember anybody's name.

But Buzz Potter ran through the-- reeled

off every name in the company.

And he couldn't remember your name.

Uh-huh.

He'd like to forget I'm alive.

Why?

Well, you see, when he and I were at Camp Crowder together--

are you and he friends?

Not at all.

And what are you doing here?

Well, I don't know, Sticks.

I'm either gonna talk to him or punch him in the mouth.

For that, you gotta stand in line.

No kidding.

You too?

He's got the whole ex-Army after him.

And a couple ex-wives too.

What are you sore at him for?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Yes, he's like--

I told you, Mr. Potter isn't here.

[interposing voices]

Oh, oh, oh.

Well, well!

The guest of honor.

- Hi, Buzzy. - Hi, dolls.

Come on.

We want to talk a little business with you.

Couldn't we make an appointment?

This is the appointment.

Did you think you could get away with it?

Buzzy, you took--

Why'd you do it, Buzzy?

Well, after you shipped out, I heard

you were k*lled in action.

Where?

There was no w*r then.

Well, I thought that was strange.

But I tried to find you.

Why didn't you look out here, or answer my letters?

Well, I would have answered your letters.

But I didn't know it was you.

How many Sticks Mandalay do you know?

Counting yourself? Why, there's one in Ohio.

Oh, Buzzy, come on. You took it--

- Hold it, Rob. - Go ahead.

You look madder than I do.

All I know is you stole "Nothing."

"Nothing"?

Well then, what are you--

"Nothing"? "Bupkis."

"Nothing" is "Bupkis."

No, "Bupkis" is "Nothing."

I wrote a tune called "Nothing," and he turned it into "Bupkis."

No, I turned it into "Bupkis."

You wrote the lyrics?

You wrote the tune?

Yeah.

Well, fellas, what--

What did he write?

I'll be going.

He wrote his name on the music sheet.

Oh, Buzzy, you're not just a wheedler, you're a crook.

Enough, fellas.

Let's go talk business.

Come on.

Hey, Buzzy!

Hey, Buzzy!

Congratulations on "Bupkis."

You got another one coming up?

Sheila, get me a lawyer.

Why can't I think of something like that?

Sheila, get me a lawyer.

Hello, family.

Hi, darling.

Is that for me?

That is for us.

What is it?

I'll show you.

It is a framed copy of "Bupkis," with the names

Mandalay and Petrie clearly printed beneath the title.

Hey.

And my first royalty check for the sum of 984 pennies.

That's for the first three months.

$9.84?

Don't get your hopes up, honey.

I'm afraid they won't all be that big.

Oh.

[music playing]

[theme music]