04x29 - Baby Fat

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show."

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Thanks a lot Mark.

We'll just leave them here.

Boy, I sure hate Alan's office.

Why?

It's decorated so much better than ours.

Well, even the men's room is decorated

better than our office.

Hey, how'd you know that?

The window washer told me.

Do you have any idea what Alan wants to see us about?

Mel didn't say.

Hey, what if they call these meetings sometime

when I'm not having a snack.

There is no such time, [inaudible]..

Rob.

What are they doing here?

We were playing bridge.

We were just waiting for the dummy.

I thought Alan wanted to see us.

But he doesn't want to see you all.

You all.

Even with a southern dialect.

Who does he want to see?

- You Rob. - Me?

Only you.

Only Rob?

You mean to say that I had to rush up here and let

my hot chocolate get cold?

Sally, I'm sorry if I didn't make myself clear.

The only thing that's clear is the top of your head.

Eat your doughnut now [inaudible]..

We'll see you later.

Oh, Hi Alan.

Hi g*ng.

It's nice to see you.

What are they doing here?

They're just leaving Alan.

Good.

We just walked Rob up for a little protection.

Oh, wonderful.

Yeah, a lot of mugging's been going

on around the water cooler. - Oh yes.

Very funny, very funny. - Thank you.

Don't put that in the show though.

See you round.

Bye.

Yeah.

Mel, do I speak a foreign language?

- Oh, no. - Shut up Mel.

Yes sir.

Can't you understand me?

I said I wanted to see Rob.

That is Rob. I am Alan.

You are Mel. This is a door.

Use it.

- But I thought you said-- - Shut up Mel.

- Yes sir. - Come here.

Get out of here!

ROB: What did you want to see me for, Alan?

Just a minute Rob.

Rob.

You're the only one I can turn to.

You've got to help me.

What is it Alan?

Rob.

I want you to save my life.

Save your life?

Alan, what are you talking about?

Rob.

There's a b*mb in this office.

Right here.

It's a play.

No, it's a b*mb.

Baby Fat by Harper Worthington Yates.

His new play.

Yeah, I'm supposed to do it on Broadway.

Yeah, I read that.

Congratulations.

For what?

Well, Yates is a Pulitzer Prize winning playwright.

Well he wrote a Pulitzer Prize winning b*mb there.

You don't have to do it, do you?

Rob, you know how I feel about Broadway.

I always wanted to make it big on Broadway.

And when Harper Worthington Yates asks you to do a play,

you just do it.

You know, I'm thinking of maybe not even

wearing my hair in this part.

Really?

Yeah, they convinced me that great art doesn't need hair.

Well, I guess so.

Picasso's bald.

Guy Kibbee was bald too.

You see, that's what I mean Rob.

You got a sense of humor.

Come on, you got to fix this Rob.

Me?

Fix Harper Worthington Yates?

Well, I may have exaggerated a little when

I said it wasn't all funny.

He's giving me some laughs.

There are a couple of heehees a couple of hahas.

Some hohos.

But there are no big--

[laughter]

You want me to put in the yahaha?

Yeah, well there are places that are supposed to have this.

But listen to this dialogue.

Here.

I say to my brother here, you're ruthless, kid.

You may get to the top and be rich,

but you'll be a Machiavellianaire.

Now what's that supposed to mean?

Well, Machiavelli was an Italian author and statesman.

He was supposed to be unscrupulous,

so that probably refers--

Yeah, well I know what it means.

And you know what it means.

But who's going to tell the audience?

What do we give out pamphlets to explain the jokes?

It is esoteric.

Oh, I don't care about that.

It's just too highbrow.

Now Rob.

Look.

You know what I like. So you can fix it.

Now look.

I've marked some spots here that need fixing.

Well wait a minute.

How does Mr. Yates feel about my tampering with his script?

Now look.

It's already Friday, and I've got to be at Westport

for the weekend for rehearsals.

Now you can get started on us and give me some pages Monday.

Now won't he mind if a complete stranger--

Now you see, right here at the end,

the first act curtain needs a big laugh there.

Alan, wait just a second.

Yates doesn't know about--

Well, no.

Oh, Robbie!

It's hard to tell a writer that his stuff isn't funny.

You tell me that every week.

Well you're a--

you're a television writer.

Oh, no offense.

You know what I mean.

We love each other.

You know how playwrights are.

But the thing is, he will know the lines are changed.

Sure, but I'll memorize what you write.

And I'll throw it in during rehearsal.

He'll think I'm ad libbing.

Now you can't tell anybody.

Buddy, Sally, or anybody.

Look, Alan.

I'm very flattered that you think I

can improve Mr. Yates' script.

But if he doesn't know that I'm working on it--

It's done all the time.

Rob, I'm desperate.

You got to do this for me.

Rob, I want this so bad I can feel it inside.

You know Rob, you've got my guts in your hands.

My hands?

Well, I [inaudible]

This can make me the toast of Broadway.

Don't let me get burnt.

That's a terrible joke.

I know, it's in the play.

That's the kind of stuff I want you to get out.

What do you say, Rob?

What do you say?

OK.

I'll see what I can do.

You know what you are?

You're a person.

But be a quiet person.

Don't tell anybody about this.

Huh, Rob?

Rob, I love you for this.

And I'll tell you what.

Don't be surprised if Christmas comes a little early this year.

ROB: Ow!

Sorry.

I wonder what's in the envelope.

Now come on, Buddy.

We can't look into Rob's personal things.

Yeah, but if he leaves it here, he might forget it.

Leave it alone.

Like a bunch of papers.

You see?

I'm getting as bad as you are.

That's a very suspicious looking envelope.

What's so suspicious about it?

Because I don't know what's inside it.

You won't know unless Rob wants us to know.

Now come on, let's go to work.

You know Sal, we're living in a wonderful age.

All the little inventions we have nowadays

can make life easy.

Yeah, like what?

Like this clasp.

Look at this little clasp on here.

Look.

It's a little clasp, isn't it?

Opens and closes.

Nothing to it.

And it keeps the whole envelope--

that little middle clasp.

But [inaudible] can open, close, open--

Faster, faster.

Open, close-- oh!

I broke it.

Buddy, come on now.

That's not nice.

Just leave it alone.

Did the papers scatter?

Didn't throw it down hard enough.

Maybe if we kick it around a little bit.

You know, kind of-- you know.

What's going on?

Oh.

Hi.

Well, look who's here.

Yeah, just in time.

How did this get over here?

Oh, it fell.

Fell off the shelf over to here.

Oh, listen Rob.

They've come a long way with envelopes.

Hi Honey.

[mumbling]

What do you want?

A divorce.

In a minute.

Shall I call the lawyer?

Now, that's all right, Honey.

I'll call him.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Let me help you with it.

No, no, that's all right.

I know you've got Baby Fat on your mind.

Hey, maybe you can use that in the play.

Oh, no.

No, I guess ghostwriters aren't allowed to have ghostwriters,

are they?

Not now, Honey.

How late did you work on it last night?

2 o'clock.

I looked at the clock, Rob.

It was four.

Yea, it was 4 o'clock.

But the last two hours, I just talked

to myself about this job.

LAURA: Say anything interesting?

Don't know, I didn't really listen.

Still excited about it?

Oh, yeah.

How many people can say that they're writing a play

by Harper Worthington Yates?

Well, you'll never be able to say it.

You think this is unethical?

Do you?

I asked you first.

Well it kind of feels unethical.

Doesn't it to you?

Well, you know.

It's ghostwriting.

Ghostwriting doesn't have to be unethical.

Well whatever you call it Rob, I just don't see how

it can lead to anything good.

Well, Honey, you don't understand.

Rob, let me ask you something.

Are you doing this because you're afraid of Alan?

No, I'm doing it because I respect Alan Brady.

A man of his caliber has great f*ring power.

Oh.

If that's the reason you are doing this play,

then there's nothing I can say to you.

Oh, come on, Honey.

You know that's not the only reason.

Rob, look.

It's just that I always thought when you wrote a play,

I'd be able to run around the neighborhood

and say, hey there, my husband wrote a play.

And with this, all I can say is, hey there.

There are a lot of wives like you who can say hey there like

Mrs. Doyle and Mrs. [inaudible]

Whose wives are those?

Jack Doyle and Dave [inaudible]

and other ghostwriters who make a fortune

fixing other people's plays.

Yeah, but just you see, you hear about them.

I mean, they don't have to sneak around and hide in closets.

I don't hide in a closet.

I'm working in my own living room.

OK, you want some lunch?

I took the job, so let's just forget about it.

If I think about it, I'm not going to be able to do the job.

Let's think about something else.

Like how about some lunch?

Darling, I just offered you--

I don't want to talk about it.

Sardine sandwich?

Anything.

Cut off the tails.

White bread or whole wheat?

Anything.

Well, whole wheat.

You got any white?

Yeah.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Oh, hi Alan.

Yeah, I'm fine.

How are you?

Oh, that's too bad.

Yeah, I'm doing good.

I'm just punching up the candy store sketch here.

What?

It's out?

Oh, Alan.

I can't come all the way up to Westport now.

I know, your dreams and your guts.

LAURA: Is that Alan? - Yeah.

Hold a minute Alan.

Honey, he wants me to drive up to Connecticut.

LAURA: Oh, Rob.

I'm making your sandwich.

Alan, I don't know.

My wife's making a sandwich.

No, of course not.

I just didn't have any lunch or anything yet.

You really need me, huh?

Well, I guess I could make it all right.

Yeah, OK.

All right.

bye.

Honey, I got to drive all the way up to Westport right now.

Oh, Rob.

You can't go now.

Honey, I'll take the sandwich with me.

Well, would you at least let me bag it?

Oh, OK.

They're having all kinds of trouble up there.

They've got so many things so I don't even know

what it is I'm punching up.

You really have to go?

Yeah. did you put any tomato or onion on that sandwich?

No.

How do you like that?

I got to punch up my own sandwich.

You're under a delusion, kid!

I'm your mother, not your brother.

That can't be right.

No.

You're under a delusion, kid!

I'm your brother, not your mother.

I'm not going to take off my hair for this play.

[knocking]

Yeah, come in.

ROB: Hey Alan. - Rob, come in.

Quick. - Hi.

Quick!

Anybody see you?

Well, I had somebody where the dressing room was.

Who'd you ask? Not Yates, was it?

Not unless he wears gold tights.

Stop joking around and give me some jokes.

OK, take it easy Alan.

I saw one gal in gold tights and a German Shepard

outside the door.

The dog?

You saw the dog?

Well, yeah.

He's not going to say anything.

Rob, that's Harper Worthington Yates' dog.

He takes him to all the rehearsals.

He says it gives him inspiration.

Oh, yeah, I read about that once.

That's the kind of cooks I'm working with.

[knocking]

Who is it?

Harper Worthington Yates.

- Rob, quick. - Quick what?

Quick, into the closet.

- Into the closet? - Where else?

In my wallet?

Hey can't know you're here.

Wait a minute, Laura was right.

I'll be right with you.

Hi Harper.

I hope I'm not disturbing.

No, that's all right.

Hi Ben.

I just wanted to inquire whether you

like the changes I made.

Oh, I love the changes.

Love the changes.

Changing that candy store to a graveyard was a wild idea.

You're most kind.

Yeah, I loved it.

I may have a few ideas of my own Harper.

Well any idea of yours is--

[dog whining]

Mr. Ben seems to be after something in your closet.

Yeah, probably a mouse trying to break into show business.

Say look, Harper.

I've got a lot of lines to learn.

Oh, Mr. Ben and I understand.

An artist in the throes of creation must be forever alone.

Oh, you're right about that.

Mr. Ben, say goodbye to Mr. Alan.

So long, Mr. Ben.

Now we must leave this artist with the privacy he so desires.

Mr. Ben.

Thank you.

All right, Rob.

Rob?

Rob, what are you fooling around for?

I didn't bring up here to play jokes.

I didn't drive all the way up here to hide in a closet

either. Look at this mess in here.

My sandwich and my papers.

Never mind that.

Just give me the lines, will you?

Just a second.

I want to find the first part of it here.

Here.

Oh, what is that?

Oh, it's just part of a sardine.

Get it off of there.

Take it easy, Alan.

That's just a fish head.

I know, I know, get it off.

It's kind of frightening to look at a joke

and have it look back at you.

Let's see.

Hey, this is not bad, Rob.

Hey, these are funny.

Oh, Rob.

I love these lines about the summer camp.

You know, you're a genius.

Well, they're not--

No, you're a genius Rob.

And not only that, you're a very sweet person

to come up here like this.

And from now on, I'm going to treat you like a person.

[knocking]

Get in the closet.

You just said--

After you get out of the closet,

I'll treat you like a person.

I'm not staying in that closet anymore.

- Get in the closet. - Alan, we--

Hi there.

Oh, I didn't know you were busy.

No, I'm not.

This is my tailor Vito.

He's just making a new jacket for me.

Very nice.

I want you to meet Vito Schneider, my tailor.

Vito, this is my director, Lionel Dann.

Hello.

Yeah, he makes all my wardrobe for my television shows.

Well if it's a hit, I'll order a couple of suits.

Listen, we got a problem.

We-- isn't that jacket just like his pants?

Oh, yes.

Well, you see, last time he wore those slacks,

I told him I wanted a whole suit made of that material.

What is it, Lionel?

Well, in the first act, the sister-in-law's lines

are lousy.

Maybe Harper could make some changes.

Are you kidding?

Those are some of the best lines of the whole play.

You let your tailor read the play?

For luck.

I let him read it for luck.

Harper's got a dog, I got a tailor.

Fit it kid. Fit the jacket.

Smart lad.

Yeah, well maybe, but we ought to leave writing to writers.

- Yeah, that's right. - I--

Don't butt in!

You're a tailor, so tail.

Now fit, fit, fit.

Not so tight in the waist.

Would you just mark the jacket?

Mark what?

With that chalk.

You know, that soap chalk that you have here.

Just mark the jacket.

Soap.

Now what is it, Lionel?

You cut that a little skimpy, didn't you Vito?

I won't tell you how to direct,

you don't tell me how to alter a suit.

Aren't we getting a little testy, now?

You've got your show, Lionel.

And you've got your tailoring.

Now just mark it.

Just mark it.

Lionel, what do you want with me?

What about Clara Lee's costume?

What about it?

Buck says that you like the dress with the apricot bow.

What's wrong with apricot bows?

There are so many it looks like she's

surrounded by hummingbirds.

Look, I'm only a star.

Buck Brown is the designer.

Listen Vito.

You're a tailor.

What do you think?

I never cared a lot for apricot bows.

There, you see?

From a pro.

Listen, we can start the scene whenever you're ready, Alan.

Yeah, I'd like to talk to Vito for a minute.

I'd like to talk to you, too.

Yeah, wait a minute, Lionel.

I'll go with you.

Mark the jacket.

Mark it.

I'll speak to you about the material later.

Now I wish I was a tailor.

Who's Vito Schnoder?

I think that's me.

Only I think that's Schneider.

Who are you?

Buck Brown, and what's wrong with apricot bows?

How many Broadway shows have you designed?

I've done 16.

Well, I never--

Can you double stitch?

And you make hoops?

I'm the only one who ever made Peter Pan fly without showing

an inch of undergarment.

And who are you to come here and pick on my bows?

I've never even heard of you.

I work hard, Vito.

Very, very hard.

Hate that fabric.

My designs have won awards.

And I will not have a buttonhole butcher coming here and telling

my director what I'm to design.

I'm-- listen, this is all a great big mistake Mr. Brown.

And I'm very sorry.

Well I should think so.

Sorry, I flared.

It's just that I've had a terrible day.

Now they want me to make a sweater for Mr. Ben.

Bow-wow.

Buck.

It worked!

Everybody loved the new lines.

Everybody, including Harper.

Then why did you introduce me as your tailor?

Well, I had to think of something fast.

What's the difference? We're a hit.

The producer is coming right back

now to tell me all about it.

Am I still going to be your tailor?

Well, we're stuck with the story, Rob.

If it's all right with you, if you

won't introduce me to people, I'd rather wait in the car.

Now wait a minute, Robbie.

You're really this upset about it?

You're darn right.

If you won't tell people who I am, I don't want to be here.

Oh. Rob, you're right.

I'm sorry.

You're absolutely right.

Now look, the producer's coming down the hall.

Why don't you leave by the window.

- What? - Yeah, out.

I don't want to--

Out the window, Rob.

You're not supposed to be seen here.

And take your jacket to.

- I-- I-- - Hey!

Hey! - Oh, for crying out loud.

Did I wake you up?

No, no.

I was going to get up to see what all the noise was.

Honey, why does not Ritchie put this skateboard away.

I told him a million times to put it away.

He did, dear.

He put it in the closet.

Why can't he put it in his own closet?

I don't put my golf clubs in his closet, do I?

Yes.

Well I had a right to.

It's my house.

When he grows up, has his own house,

he can put his things wherever he wants to put them.

But right now, you've got to put them in his own--

and why are you defending him anyway?

What did Alan do to you?

He put me in his closet.

What happened to your jacket?

I was att*cked by a bar of soap.

Never mind.

I've been hidden, and yelled at, and pushed,

and pulled, and yanked, and called a rotten tailor.

Who called you a rotten tailor?

Buck Brown.

The Cowboys star?

Hardly.

You great in that.

Thank you.

Rob, a tailor?

Honey, I don't even want to talk about it.

Oh, no you don't.

You can't walk in here and say somebody called you

a rotten tailor and then not talk about it.

I'm sorry, Honey.

Honestly.

Not out of the bottle, Rob.

Alan Brady just put me through the most

humiliating day of my life.

Oh, that Alan Brady.

He thinks he owns you.

He makes me so mad.

Honey, it's not all Alan's fault.

Rob, how come we can't ever be mad together?

Well, a minutes ago you were furious with Alan,

and now that I'm mad at him with you, you're not anymore.

Well, no.

It isn't all his fault, Honey.

It's only half his fault. I'm a dope.

Darling, I think you better make

up your mind who you're mad at.

Alan or yourself.

Well, I'm-- this half's mad at Alan,

and this half's mad at me.

Honey.

You just kissed Alan's side.

Did you meet Mr. Yates?

Oh, yeah.

He ordered three suits and a tuxedo.

There you go again.

Honey, everybody up there thinks that I'm Alan's tailor.

Rob, do you know what Alan is doing to you?

Yeah, I know what he's doing to me.

He's making a haberdasher out of me.

He's stealing your brains, Rob.

But not anymore.

I'm going up there tomorrow and I'm

going to tell Alan that I'm no longer hiding

my light under his bushel.

Good for you.

And if I'm going to do that rewrite,

I'm going to get credit just like Dave

[inaudible] and Jack Doyle get. Right?

Yay!

And if I say it with as much anger as I'm feeling right now,

you will be able to run around the neighborhood

and say hey there, my husband's out of work!

I'm so glad that you and Mr. Ben are friends.

Well you're either his friend or his lunch.

Wonderful dog, wonderful.

He's all I have since Blossom passed away.

Oh, how long were you married?

Blossom was Mr. Ben's wife.

Oh.

I'm sorry Ben.

I didn't know.

Hey, Alan.

I got-- oh, hi there.

Hi.

You know my tailor Vito Schneider.

That's right, you ordered three suits.

And a dinner jacket.

- Yeah, that's right. - Alan, I want to talk to you.

I see you're busy. - Oh, no, no, no, no.

You go right ahead.

You talk about your wardrobe while I make

a phone call to the theater.

Why don't you use Mel's office?

You'll be more comfortable in there.

Thank you. Just make yourself at home.

Mel, get out of your office! MEL: Well, I've got to finish--

Shut up, Mel.

MEL: Yes sir.

Why did you come up when Harper was here?

I'm sorry Alan. I don't know he was up here.

But it doesn't make any difference because I'm

through with his job. I've had it.

Oh, you've been talking to your wife.

No, I've been talking to myself.

That'll give you an idea of how upset I am.

Look, can't we talk this over calmly?

All right, all right.

I'm calm.

Mr. Yates has written a play which is not very good.

Rob, not in front of Mr. Ben.

The play is weak.

What am I whispering in front of a dog for?

Because he's smart and he bites.

The play's no good.

That play is not very good.

It needs punching up with a good strong jokes.

ALAN: Rob, that's cruel.

He's a widower.

A lot of playwrights need help with their first comedy.

That's why there are guys like [inaudible] and Doyle

who come in.

They saved a lot of shows.

I know that Rob.

And you also know that guys like [inaudible] don't sneak

around and hide in any closets.

Look, I don't think Harper will go for you.

I don't care.

I'd go for me.

Oh, hi Harp.

Are you and Vito finished?

Well, Mr. Yates.

I am finished being a tailor.

I happen to be a writer.

Well, good for you.

I told everyone that I was a writer when I

was nothing but a butcher boy.

A butcher boy, a tailor.

A writer can come from any old place.

Now you keep right on trying Vito.

You'll make it.

Alan.

Harper, would you sit down a moment?

With Mr. Ben.

Yeah, that's fine.

What is it?

Well, I've been thinking about Baby Fat.

And well, I've got a suggestion to make.

I don't know if you're going to like it.

Actually, it's not my idea.

It's Vito's here.

Your tailor made a suggestion about my play?

Yeah.

Why don't you tell him, Vito?

What sort of suggestion?

[growling]

Heel!

I-- I--

You tell him Alan.

What he was saying is that-- well, you know there are play

doctors like Jack Doyle and--

HARPER: Now heel!

And so he explained the whole thing to Harper.

He told him that I was his writer.

We discussed play doctors like [inaudible]

who do a job on the up and up, no shame involved at all.

Oh, that's great Rob.

Now you can do the job with some dignity.

Absolutely not.

You're not going to do it?

No sir.

LAURA: Why?

They hired Dave [inaudible]

[inaudible] But you only used him as a for instance.

Yeah, I know.

LAURA: And they hired him?

Yeah.

All right?

I said I like Dave [inaudible] and Harper Yates

said he loved Dave [inaudible] and he hired him.

I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Well don't feel badly, Darling.

Why?

Harper Yates called and said he needs your help.

Really?

He said he wants the dinner jacket he ordered by Tuesday.

[theme music]