04x31 - Br-rooom, Br-rooom

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[music playing]

Honey, I'm home.

Hi, darling.

Hi.

Gee, it's good to have you home.

Oh, it's good to be home.

- Did you have a nice day? - Just great.

How was your day?

Just fine.

I was a little rushed, though, so dinner's

gonna be a few minutes late.

Who cares, boy?

Cracked crab's worth waiting for.

I've been tasting it all day.

Oh, good, because you're not gonna taste it tonight?

Huh?

Well, the cracked crab spoiled,

dear, so we're going to have tuna casserole.

Oh.

Well, that's wonderful, honey.

My goodness.

You're very understanding tonight.

Why shouldn't I be?

Well, it's just that I know you, darling.

You get your taste buds all primed for something,

and then you don't get it, you go, ah, Laura.

Ah, honey, cracked crab, tuna casserole.

Doesn't make any difference to me at all.

How come?

Well, I don't know, honey.

It doesn't pay to get too set with anything, you know?

It takes away from our freedom.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the freedom of man, honey.

Whatever happened to the men who valued their freedom?

Which men were those?

Well, the pioneers.

You know, those guys with their own masters--

no ties, no shackles.

They didn't have to answer to anybody, you know?

They were free men.

So?

Well, that's what I want to be.

I want to be free.

You want a divorce?

No.

Separate vacations?

Oh, no, honey, I love you.

That's not-- is just that no matter what anybody says,

there are certain things a man has to do to feel like a man,

you know?

Like bullfighting, or skydiving, or something.

Or?

Or what?

Well, I know you, Rob.

You're not the type to go diving out

of planes or fighting bulls.

So what's your "or"?

Well, just, honey, we're living in an age of conformity

today.

Hey, Dad, Dad.

Whose motorcycle is out in the driveway?

You bought a motorcycle?

Well, yeah, honey, I did.

But it was nothing to get upset about.

Oh, boy!

Daddy got a motorcycle!

Yeah, you see?

Rich likes it.

Ritchie is eight years old.

Well, honey, what is so wrong with owning a motorcycle?

Davy's daddy has a motorcycle.

That's right.

Davy's daddy has a motorcycle.

Davy's daddy is a policeman.

Would you go wash your hands, please?

- Good idea. - Mommy meant me.

Oh yeah, wash your hands.

Oh, boy!

A motorcycle!

Rob, how could you buy that thing?

Well, honey, it was just too good a deal to pass up.

The price on it was right, and it

was such a cute little thing, and it was--

Rob, that--

--the guy brought it home for me.

That's not what I mean.

I know what you mean.

You mean, why didn't I talk it over

with you before I bought it?

No, I don't.

But why didn't you?

Honey, it's a good investment.

It's economical.

The thing's getting something like 160 miles to the gallon.

There's no maintenance on them at all.

You never have to worry about traffic jams.

You can park them anywhere you want to park them.

And they're fun to drive.

Now, give me one good reason why I shouldn't have bought it.

You'll k*ll yourself.

Wrong again.

Statistics have proven that there are less

motorcycle accident than cars.

That's because there are fewer motorcycles than cars.

No, I mean in proportion.

As a matter of fact, there are more accidents in bathtubs

than in motorcycles.

Fine.

Then sell the motorcycle and buy a bathtub.

- Oh, honey. - Well, really, Rob.

At least in a bathtub, you have something

around you for protection.

You got something around you and protection

in a motorcycle too.

I'll show you.

That's your protection?

Yeah, honey.

This is called a protective helmet.

Uh, don't they call it a crash helmet?

It's just a name.

But why do they call it that, darling,

if they don't expect you to crash?

Honey, even if I fell off the motorcycle,

I wouldn't hurt myself. Hit me in the head.

You can't hurt me. No, come on.

Hit me. Will you?

You can't hurt-- look.

I don't want to hit you in the head.

See? I didn't even hurt my head.

Rob, what happens if you fall off,

and you aren't lucky enough to land on your head?

Well, honey, come come.

Take one ride on it.

You're going to fall in love with it.

I don't fall in love that easily.

Well, honey, come out and look at it.

It's so cute and red.

Rob, yes.

I've seen motorcycles.

I just don't think they're cute.

No, you don't know.

It's not one of those big, ugly vroom-vrooms.

It's a little-- it's a vrrm-vrrm.

Would you take that helmet off, Rob?

You look like b*llet Man.

Honey, if you just tried to be a little bit reasonable.

Well, I never realized you felt so strongly about motorcycles.

Well, Rob, if you loved somebody who almost got

k*lled riding one, you would feel strongly about it to.

I'm not gonna k*ll myself.

I don't mean you, Rob.

It's a boy I knew in high school.

And I didn't love him one tenth as much as I love you.

Dog-gonnit, it was such a good deal.

He threw in a helmet for nothing.

I suppose I did kind of rush into it, huh?

Are you gonna take it back?

Well, I don't know.

I have to keep it for the night, I guess.

I'd sure hate to give up Ol' Red.

Ol' Red?

Well, the guy at the station called her that-- it that.

Well, I'll go get the tuna casserole.

I hate tuna casserole.

A minute ago, you said you liked tuna casserole.

A minute ago, I had a motorcycle.

[music playing]

Dog-gonnit!

sh**t.

[horn honks]

Fits like a glove.

[imitates engine]

[blows raspberry]

[imitates engine]

Hi, Rich.

Didn't hear you.

What are you doing up?

It's almost 11 o'clock.

I heard a beep.

I think it was a horn.

Well, I-- there's a button on there.

It's a horn on there.

Can I go for a ride?

Well, I'm not going for a ride.

Then how come you have your helmet on?

Well, my-- my head was cold, Rich.

My eyes were cold too.

Will you take me for a ride tomorrow?

Well, Rich, I've decided to sell Big--

the motorcycle.

Oh, how come?

Well, Rich, I just decided that it didn't look right

for a grown-up adult to go around riding

one of these motorcycles.

That's all.

Is that why Mommy won't let you keep it?

Well, Mommy and I agree.

Can I sit on it once?

Well, yeah, OK.

Sit on it for a minute.

Oh boy.

Can I wear your helmet?

Yeah, put it on.

Vroom!

Vroom!

Aren't you even gonna take it for one ride

before you sell it?

It seems like I would be entitled to at least that.

You know, it's not like fighting a bull or something like that.

What?

Never mind.

Tomorrow, I'm riding it.

Oh boy!

Oh, thank goodness you're all in one piece!

Yeah!

Boy, nice to see you home.

I thought you'd be out on the highway.

And I mean out on the highway.

Oh, the motorcycle.

I haven't even ridden it yet.

Good.

Then we're just in time to give you that.

Oh, a present?

Yeah, it's a box of bandages.

What is it?

Well, it's nothing no motorcycle

rider should be without.

A leather jacket.

Wow!

Hey, look at the back.

That's the best part.

BUDDY: Yeah, how do you like it, Robby Baby?

Boy, it sure is leathery, isn't it?

What's this?

Well, you see, that's your club emblem.

That's a tulip.

We were gonna give you a skull and crossbones.

But you're more the tulip type.

Come on. Try it on.

Try it on.

OK.

Yeah?

How about that, sports fans?

How do I look, huh?

Like a wet seal.

Nah, you really look great, though, Rob.

Look, whatever possessed you to buy a motorcycle?

They're economical.

You get great gas mileage on them.

Sure.

The ride back is always in the ambulance.

No, it's not one of those great big ugly ones.

It's a little cute one.

It's a Geronimo.

Yeah, just perfect for cute little accidents.

Well, Buddy, I thought at least you'd be on my side

with this.

Well, I'd sure like to drive one of those motorcycles

myself, but I happen to have breakable bones.

Hi.

Oh, hi, Laura.

Sally, Buddy.

Hi, Robby Baby.

Yeah, how do you like his tulip?

Well, it's perfect.

Laura, you're gonna have to buy one too if you

want to ride with the wild one.

Oh, didn't you tell them, darling?

Tell them what?

Well, Rob's returning the motorcycle today.

Right, darling?

Uh, yeah, right.

Well, how come?

You told us you were so crazy about it.

Well, I am crazy about it.

But you can't keep everything you're crazy about.

Well, we did agree, darling.

Honey, we'll talk about it later.

Oh?

I think later's the moment we leave.

No, this is just a little family discussion, that's all.

A little family discussion is what

started the First World w*r.

Rob, you did say you'd take it back, didn't you?

What I said, honey, was that it was too late to take it back

that night.

Well, I sort of said it, yeah.

Sort of said it?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

My goodness.

Look at the time.

Time sure flies when you're having fun.

Well, come on, buddy.

What do you say we get out of here?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, um, would you like some coffee?

Oh, no, Laura.

Thanks, love.

We really have to go.

I'd like a cup of coffee.

I'll buy you a pound on the way home.

See you Monday morning, g*ng.

Yeah, OK.

Listen, thanks a lot for the jacket.

Don't forget to water your tulip.

Yeah.

Sweetheart, I have a suspicion we're, for no reason,

going to have a major battle.

I suggest we both try to keep very calm.

We are not going to argue, darling, because I

don't feel like discussing it.

First of all, Rob--

First of all, I thought we weren't going to discuss it.

I don't, but you broke a promise.

What promise?

To take back the motorcycle.

I didn't promise.

Well, what was it, then?

I just insinuated.

All right, then you broke your insinuation.

You can't break an insinuation.

You can when it's a promise.

Oh, honey.

All right, never mind, Rob. there's

no point in discussing it.

I know what you're thinking.

All right, what am I thinking?

You know.

You think I'm being unfair and unreasonable.

And the reason you think I'm being unreasonable

is because I really haven't given you a good reason, right?

Well, yeah.

And don't forget the statistics.

Rob, there's one thing the statistics don't show.

You're a klutz.

I am not a klutz!

You're a major klutz, Rob, especially with new things.

You remember the time you got the skis?

And I said, Rob, don't go skiing.

You'll fall off the mountain.

Do you remember what happened?

Well, I tripped over a goat.

OK.

Rob, I'm not trying to make you feel badly.

But I'd rather hurt your feelings

than have you hurt your body.

If you're finished, may I say something?

Yes.

OK.

I know what you're thinking.

I just told you.

No, I mean I'm perfectly glad if you're

concerned about my safety.

But isn't there another reason you would like for me

to get rid of that motorcycle?

What other reason?

Well, I'm not sure.

But isn't it just a little bit possible

that you're jealous of Big Red?

Jealous?

Of a motorcycle?

Well, I can understand how you would be.

I mean, after all, I'm out of the house.

I'm having fun. I'm riding.

You're stuck here at home.

But dog-gonnit, honey, that's unfair.

What's unfair?

Was I jealous when you got a new washing machine?

All right, that's a bad example.

Now, come on.

You are a little jealous, aren't you?

Rob, this has nothing to do with anything--

All right, then just answer me truthfully.

Are you are you not jealous of that motorcycle?

Rob, you're-- go ride your motorcycle.

OK.

Anything you want, sweetheart.

[music playing]

Hi there.

Hi.

What'll you have?

Well, something hot.

I think a good cup of tea.

Boy, wind really cuts through you on a motorcycle,

even a little one like that.

Yeah, I guess the wind can't tell the difference.

Well, there it is.

That'll be a dime. - Oh, a dime?

Mm-hmm.

A nickel if you order a dog or a burger.

No, no, just a cup of good, strong tea, boy, hot.

Thank you.

Ooh, wow.

[motorcycles approaching]

[laughs]

- Hi. - Hey, you.

Hey, man.

Eight burgers with everything.

That your Geronimo?

Oh, yeah.

I just-- I just got it.

Yeah, they're nice little skateboards.

You been riding long?

Well, about 20 minutes.

Hey.

Hey, you're OK, an old timer like

you learning to ride a bike.

Right.

Look, I'm not-- I'm not that old.

You're only as old as you feel.

Right, Mousey Baby? - Yeah, right, Joe.

I mean, me, I feel like a kid.

Are you in a club?

Huh?

Well, what's with the Robby Baby and the--

Oh, that's a tulip.

Yeah, a tulip.

I never heard of the Tulips.

Are they a new club?

No, no.

I'm the only one in it, really.

Well, no, that's part of the joke.

I'm in-- there isn't any club.

I didn't think so.

You're bike's not big enough to keep up with a real club.

Oh, yeah, that's--

this little one here, just one of those little,

pfft-pfft-pfft.

You guys got those woom-wooms.

I never thought of it that way.

OK, kids.

Here's your burgers. - Hey, treasurer--

That'll be $2.

--give me the treasury.

There we go, Jelly Baby. $1.76.

That's all?

What kind of a treasurer are you?

A rotten one.

Listen, could I interest you in a group discount,

eight burgers for $1.76?

Oh, come on, you guys.

Mouse, baby, you just want on a diet.

Hey, fellas, look.

Let me make up the difference there.

Here.

Thanks a lot.

You're all right, pops.

It's only $0.24.

Oh, yeah, but we appreciate it.

Hey, I got an idea.

Hey, guys, show Robby Baby how much we appreciate it.

Let's make him an honorary Ramrod, huh?

Hey, good idea, John, yeah.

Well, gee.

Thanks, fellas.

That-- Ramrod?

Leader of the pack.

Gee.

$0.24 isn't much to be leader of the pack, I guess.

It's not the money.

It's the thought.

Yeah.

Hey, here comes Gus.

Off, Doris!

Gus, you're being very unreasonable

about the whole thing.

Off, Doris!

But I did it for you.

Doris, off!

What's wrong, Gus?

She did the one thing I can't forgive.

She smiled at a cop!

I smiled at him for you!

Off, Doris!

You didn't get a ticket, did you?

- Off, Doris! - I'm off!

I'm off! - Good.

Run.

How will I get home?

Call your friend, the cop.

Na-na-na-na-na!

Oh, Doris, one of these days--

Now what am I gonna do?

Mouse, can I have a ride?

Ah, Doris, we're all packing girls.

Hey, wait a minute.

Robby Baby isn't.

How about it?

Can you give Doris a ride?

What?

Well, I don't even know where she lives or anything.

Oh, she doesn't live far.

Doris, this is Robby Baby.

He's OK.

We just made him honorary leader of the pack.

DORIS: Oh!

Well, I'm glad to know you, Robby Baby.

And I sure appreciate this.

Why, I'm--

Doris, I have to get going.

Oh, good.

So do I. Here, hold my gloves.

I'll go comb my hair, and I'll be right with you.

Oh, I'm--

The Tulips?

I love tulips!

You're OK, Robby Babe.

I don't mind, really.

Well, what's the leader of the pack for, anyway?

Hey, fuzz!

Hey, come here.

Come here.

Those your motorcycles?

Those motorcycles?

Yes, sir, officer, sir.

OK, follow me.

Oh, wait a minute.

We know our rights.

At least tell us what we did.

You drove through that farmer's tomato field.

Yeah?

Well, we didn't know they was tomatoes.

We thought they was weeds.

Planted in rows?

We thought they was neat weeds.

All right, come on.

Let's go.

Spoilsport.

Officer, don't be too hard on them.

They're not really bad kids at all.

Get on your bike.

Huh?

Oh, you don't--

I thought you--

Officer, I don't even know any of those kids.

Of course not, Robby Baby.

Oh yeah.

Look, just because I'm wearing a jacket and riding a motorcycle,

I don't want you to think I'm one

of those kids that wears a jacket and rides a motorcycle.

Wait, he can explain to you that I--

would you explain to this officer

that I don't know those kids?

Look, officer, I don't want to get involved.

He came in here alone, but they called him leader of the pack.

OK, leader of the pack.

No, I am not the--

Look, five motorcycles went through that tomato field.

Five motorcycles are here.

One of them's yours. Come on.

What?

Officer, you can't do this.

What'll I tell my wife?

I'm ready, Robby Baby.

Oh, here's your gloves.

That's a young-looking wife you got.

Well, that's not my wife.

I'm just taking her home.

Boy, you are rotten.

Well, I'm a--

I'm a respectable citizen, a husband and a father.

I write for the Alan Brady show.

I'll show you my--

Freeze.

And don't go for your g*n again.

I wasn't--

I wasn't going for my g*n.

I was gonna get my Writer's Guild card out.

Mm-hmm.

There's nothing--

Rob, I was worried about you.

You've been gone so long.

Well, honey, I told you.

Nothing to worry about.

Well, darling, while you were gone, I did a lot of thinking.

And I want to apologize for telling

you to go ride your motorcycle when I really didn't mean it.

Well, honey, that's all right.

And Rob, about what you said, maybe I was a little jealous,

but only a little jealous.

Mostly, I was worried about you.

Well, I know you were, honey.

And I've decided that since you love the bike so much,

I mean, it's your body, Rob.

And if you want to break it, that's your business.

Well, honey, that's very sweet.

But I've been doing a little bit of thinking on my own.

Uh, Rob, could you take off the helmet?

Oh.

Honey, I made a decision.

I'm going to get rid of.

[engine revs]

I'm getting rid of it.

Rob, I don't want you to get rid of it just because of me.

No, it's not that, honey.

They're dangerous.

I mean, they're cold, and I'm just not cut out to ride one.

Besides, it got me in such trouble.

You did fall.

No, no, I didn't fall, honey.

I just-- I almost got arrested.

Arrested?

Yeah.

If it hadn't have been for Doris, I'd have been in jail.

Who's Doris?

Doris is a girl I was with.

She kept me out of trouble, honey.

You, uh, think so, huh?

I know what you're thinking.

But you can explain.

Yeah, honey.

You're gonna laugh.

Well, darling, let's go in the house,

because I don't want the neighbors to hear us laughing.

Oh.

You remember Hal's Eats?

I went in there to get a hot cup of tea,

and all these teenagers--

Rob, are you sure you want to sell it?

Course I'm sure, honey.

You're not just doing it because of me?

No.

Look, I've had the thing four months.

How many times have I been on it?

Maybe three times.

The original gas is still in it.

Might as well sell it to Buddy and get

my money out of it, anyway.

Well, if that's the way you really feel,

then I hope he does buy it.

Mm.

Oh, here he comes.

How do you like it?

Well, I'll tell you, Rob, it ain't too bad.

[music playing]

[theme music]