05x29 - Love Thy Other Neighbor

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Mary Jane Gibbs.

Well, I just can't get over it.

You know, when I saw the moving van pull up

and then I saw you get out of the car, I said to myself,

I do not believe this.

When the door opened and you came out, and I said to Fred,

I don't believe.

Isn't it wild? Gosh.

How long has it been?

Oh, since grammar school.

But let's not count the years.

No, let's not.

What was it?

The seventh grade?

No, you were a year ahead of me.

No, you were a year ahead of me.

- No. - Yes.

Don't you remember?

I was a year ahead of you in dancing school.

You were a year ahead of me in grammar school.

Oh, that's right.

Hey, hey, what was the name of that math teacher?

Oh, you know. You know, the tall guy.

He looked like Fred MacMurray. - Oh, yeah.

What was his-- - Yoo-hoo, Laura, I--

Hi, Millie.

Oh, I didn't know you had company.

Oh, you haven't met our new neighbor, have you?

No.

Millie Helper, this is Mary Jane Gibbs.

Hi.

- Mary Jane Staggs. - Which one?

Oh, Staggs now. It used to be Gibbs.

Oh.

Mary Jane and her husband just moved into the place next door.

Yeah, I know. I saw the moving van.

Titan Van and Storage.

Hey, I like your dining room set.

Thank you.

Millie, you ought to hear something.

What?

I mean, it's just such a wild coincidence.

Mary Jane and I went to grammar school together.

She is my very best friend.

Oh, small world.

Fine.

MILLIE: What's fine?

Our old math teacher, Mr. Fine.

No, Mr. Klein.

Mr. Theodore [inaudible] Klein.

- Right, right, right. - Yes.

I'm surprised you didn't remember it earlier, Laura.

You had such a crush on him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I guess it's over now.

I couldn't even remember his name.

Remember that big heart that somebody

painted on the gym wall?

Laura Meehan loves Mr. Klein.

LAURA: Yeah.

Did you ever find out who did it?

I did.

[laughter]

How about that--

LAURA: Did you continue taking lessons with him

after I moved away?

No.

Gee, you know the Parker place was vacant for so long.

Jerry's sister was interested in it for a while.

Oh, we love it.

Did you keep up your dancing?

- Jerry's my husband. - Yeah.

I did it professionally before I got married.

Oh.

You haven't met him yet.

Mary Jane?

What?

Jerry, my husband, the dentist--

you haven't met him yet.

Oh, no, but I'm looking forward to it.

Did you know, Laura, before I got married,

I was almost a Rockette.

No kidding.

Listen, I took dancing, too.

That's marvelous.

You know, m*llitary, tap.

Of course, when I was waiting for the big time--

well, tap was out.

Well, I worked in a few clubs.

Actually, I wasn't that good.

I never got any farther than the Ted Mack auditions.

You didn't know this dancing's the reason I met Rob.

MARY JANE: Oh.

Yeah.

I was in a USO show, and Rob was in the army at the same time.

I was there when they met.

Mary Jane Gibbs.

Laura Meehan.

Millie Helper.

Well, I got to go. - What are you talking about?

You just got here. - Yeah, I know.

I got to go.

I just came over to borrow some cream.

Oh.

Oh, Millie, I just used it.

Oh, I guess I just used the last of it in my coffee.

Well, that's OK.

I'll see you.

MARY JANE: Bye, Lily. - Millie.

Millie. MARY JANE: I'm sorry.

It's OK.

See you, Mil.

Bye.

Lily Jacobs.

Oh, yes.

Laura, do you remember the pajama party?

LAURA: And her brother came into the room.

[interposing voices]

[laughter]

Oh, my.

We're going to spend a month reminiscing.

You know that.

[banging]

Millie, I asked you not to bother me.

I have a patient.

I know it I've got something to tell you.

PATIENT: [mumbling]

Right in the middle of Mr. Soberman's mouth?

It's important.

Millie, I have to save that man's molar.

I'm your wife.

PATIENT: [mumbling]

It's all right, Mr. Soberman.

It's all right. Just sit there.

Let the cement set.

I'll be right with you.

What is it, Millie?

Well, if you really want to know,

Laura doesn't have any cream for your coffee.

Well, don't you want to know why she doesn't

have any cream for your coffee?

Because the new neighbor used it all.

Laura gave her your cream.

Millie, what are you jabbering about?

Oh, you don't understand.

Laura's neglecting me.

Nobody's neglecting you.

Oh, I knew you'd say that.

Ever since that woman moved in, she's

been monopolizing Laura's time.

She just moved in yesterday.

Well, she was over there last night.

I saw them through the window.

Millie, you're not only childish.

You're a peeping Tom.

Well, all I know is Laura's my oldest friend.

And that woman is breaking up our friendship.

[grumbling] You want to know something?

You are being ridiculous.

You really are.

Now, I'm trying-- I'm trying to save that man's tooth.

He's got a cavity the size of a pothole.

And you're talking about nothing.

MR. SOBERMAN: I think I swallowed a piece of cotton.

You see? You see?

Even Mr. Soberman thinks you're ridiculous,

and he's loaded on Novocaine.

Save some for me because I feel very hurt.

Honey, I'm home.

LAURA: I'm in the kitchen.

I'm in the living room.

I'm in the living room, too.

Hey, guess what.

- You don't want to kiss me. - No.

Huh?

I was just going to kiss you.

Well, I certainly deserve it.

Why?

Look what Alan Brady gave me.

Tickets?

Four to the hottest musical front row center in this town.

Oh, Rob, "The Solid White Zebra."

Yep.

We better call Millie and Jerry, huh?

Oh, no, honey.

They hate musicals.

They love musicals.

Well, they hate Thornton Alsbury.

- Right. - Yeah.

Remember when we took him to see "Love Me, Love Me"

and Jerry sat there the whole thing going [inaudible]..

I'll never forget it.

I was never so embarrassed in my whole life.

Yeah.

But you ought to call them and ask them, anyway.

I think we'd be doing them a favor if we don't, honey.

I mean, think about the last time,

just because we invited them, and they felt obligated.

Yeah, you're probably right.

[doorbell ringing]

I'll get it.

Those are priceless as gold.

- Yeah. - Hi.

Hi, Rob.

Mary Jane told me to return your screwdriver,

but I'm returning it anyway.

How's that for a neighbor?

- That is perfect. - I know it.

- Hi, Fred. - Hi, Laura.

How's the unpacking?

Still packed.

Ooh! - What?

What?

A couch.

Yeah?

Without a bunch of cartons on it.

Can I sit on it?

Please, do.

Hey, did you get your stereo hooked up?

Yeah, boy, am I stupid.

You know, I bet you I have 100 screwdrivers of my own,

and I can't find one darn screwdriver.

Would you believe it?

Where's Mary Jane?

She's in the tub soaking, saying,

have I got cartons to unpack.

Well, moving is so depressing.

You know, I have a mind to grab her out of the bathtub

and take her to a movie.

You better wrap her up in a sheet first.

Would you like a drink?

- Yeah, is it in a glass? - Yeah.

We haven't unpacked our glasses yet.

I've been drinking out of a faucet like this

all the time, walking around like that.

I'm not kidding. - Hey.

What?

Would you like to go to the theatre?

I've got a couple of extra tickets

to "The Solid White Zebra."

- Oh, boy. - All right.

They're yours.

Oh, boy.

Wait a minute.

Before I go, "oh, boy" again, how much are they?

They're nothing.

No, no nothing.

No nothing.

Those are expensive tickets.

I can't expect you to go paying expensive money for me,

you know.

I don't want to be known as a sponger

around the neighborhood.

Oh, by the way, Mary Jane wants to borrow a sponge.

The sponges are OK, but, uh, taking your theatre tickets,

I cannot permit it.

I got these for free.

Then I can permit it.

What else do you have around here that's free?

LAURA: Fred, would you like soda in your drink?

Is it free? LAURA: Yeah.

Well, then put in some.

Put in a lot of some. Is it free?

I like-- I'll take anything.

I don't even drink.

Well, I've got to hand it to you, Millie.

That was one of the rottenest dinners

you ever cooked in your life.

Sure, be funny.

We're losing our best friends, and you're trying to be funny.

Millie, I'm not being funny.

I'm really-- I'm nauseous.

Why'd you put in that gravy?

Oh, who cares?

Well, I do.

I may need an antidote.

Oh, come on, Millie.

We're not losing anybody's friendship, especially Rob's.

Well, you believe what you want.

All I know is that man is over there right now,

and you are not.

That's because they're trying to be neighborly,

and that's what we should be doing.

Oh, I'd die first.

Millie, you are in deep emotional trouble.

I know it.

You can't possibly be worried about Rob

and Laura's friendship.

I'm just reading the handwriting on the wall.

It's your own handwriting.

Well, they're like twins.

They just gossip about people I never even heard of.

Millie, honey, they're old friends.

Yeah, and old friends are the best friends.

They're excluding us.

You're excluding us.

Well, I can't just invite us over there.

We'll invite them here.

Make a-- a gesture.

Cook a dinner Friday night.

Invite them all here.

We'll get to be good friends.

Hey, you know, maybe that's not a bad idea.

It's a great idea.

So why don't you get over there and invite them right now?

Just like that?

What do you mean, just like that?

Well, I can't go barging into people's houses just like that.

Millie, you're one of the best bargers in the country.

Well, I only barge where I'm welcome.

Well, I feel welcome, so I'll barge in.

[laughter]

[doorbell ringing]

Anybody home?

- Spaghetti. - I can't believe it.

Hi.

[interposing voices]

Hey, Jerry.

I didn't know I was that funny.

No, you're not. You're not.

It's-- it's just--

[laughing]

One of Fred's stories.

- Oh. - A guy [inaudible].

Yeah?

Yeah, go on.

This guy has a [inaudible].

Jerry, you had to be here.

Well, I would have been here, but nobody called me.

What's up, Jerry?

Well, what do you mean?

Well, I mean, what'd you come over for?

Do I have to have a reason?

Well, now, you look like you're

going to tell us something. - Oh, well, uh, yeah.

I want to ask you something.

Well, if you want any of the tools,

you're going to have to go to Fred.

He's got all them, including your electric drill.

Oh, is that yours? Listen.

Thanks, you know. - Oh, that's OK.

You're welcome to it.

No, what I wanted to ask you-- well,

Millie and I wanted to invite all of you

over for dinner Friday night.

Oh, wonderful, Jerry.

No, it's not wonderful.

- What do you mean? - Did you forget?

We're going to a show Friday night?

Oh, what show?

Oh, gosh, I forgot.

We got tickets to "Sold White Zebra" Friday night.

Oh.

Well, I guess it'll have to be just and the missus, Fred.

We'll have to have fun without old Rob and Laura here.

Oh, well, we're going to the show, too.

Oh, same show?

Yeah, we're-- we're Rob's guests.

Oh, that's-- that's terrific.

It's free, too.

It's free.

That's nice.

It's real neighborly.

Listen, Fred, Jerry would have had

first cr*ck at those tickets.

The only thing, lucky for you, is he hates Thornton Alsbury.

Yeah, what else don't you like?

I'll take anything [inaudible].

Well, I guess, uh, Millie and I

will just have to have a intrafamily dinner

party or something.

Hey, Jerry.

Maybe we could all stop by for coffee after the show.

No. No, no, it's all right, Laura.

I think maybe we'll call the Steins or something.

You know, and we'll go to a movie, somewhere.

I'll see you later, right?

Yeah.

Oh, wait-- wait a minute.

I've got to go.

I've gotta-- Mary Jane can't get out of the bathtub without me.

Why?

I forgot to unpack the towels.

Listen, I'll see you later.

OK.

So long, Fred.

Hey, Rob.

Was Jerry mad at us?

Now why should he be mad?

He said himself you couldn't pay him to go

to a Thornton Alsbury play.

Maybe we ought to have asked him, anyway.

Yeah.

You know something?

He's jealous.

He just-- just so he could turn us down,

he would like for us to ask him.

He's jealous of the new neighbors probably.

Oh, Rob, that's silly.

Well, it's Jerry.

I can understand it in a way, though.

Fred was here a long time tonight.

He feels kind of left out.

I helped Fred move last night.

I loaned him Jerry's electric drill.

You know something?

Millie was acting awfully strange the other day, too.

How can you tell?

Well, I-- she just hardly said a word, you know?

Yeah.

Because I didn't let her.

How can you stop Millie from talking?

By not listening.

Mary Jane and I were so busy reminiscing, we-- you know.

But of course.

They ought to understand.

I mean, for crying out loud, it's

awfully juvenile on their part.

It's just such a silly situation, Rob.

How'd we get ourselves in the middle of it?

Oh, it's easy.

Mary Jane lives on one side, and Millie lives on the other side.

I've got an idea.

Why don't we give our tickets to Millie and Jerry

and let the four of them go?

No good.

For two reasons.

First of all, I'm not going to cater to their childishness.

And secondly, I want to see the show.

OK.

Come up with a better idea.

Are you-- you willing to give up your trip to Italy?

Why?

Well, I'm going to try and get a couple of more tickets.

That's just about what it's going to cost.

Well, it would be worth it anyway.

I don't know.

I bet the first day off the boat,

I meet four Italians I like better than Jerry.

I'll do it.

I'll try.

Honey, I'm home.

In the kitchen, dear.

Boy, you'll never guess--

whew!

What are you doing?

Pressing garlic for the Caesar salad.

For the-- boy, no wonder they stabbed him.

Whew!

Honey, how much would you say Millie's

friendship is worth to you?

Oh, come on, Rob.

You can't put a price on that.

Try, uh, $42.50.

$42.50?

Yeah.

You paid a scalper $42.50?

He wanted $50, but I got him for $42.50 and two tickets

to "The Alan Brady Show."

Rob! $42.

Honey, what's the difference?

We saved the neighborhood from a civil w*r.

Call Millie.

I can't call Millie.

She's in the shower. - How do you know?

Because I've been calling her all day.

And every time I do, Patty says that's where she is.

That's stupid to give the same excuse every time.

It's just Millie's subtle little way

of hinting that she's mad.

Have you seen Jerry today?

Oh, yeah, I've seen Jerry.

He hasn't seen me.

He's been playing at fixing the fence.

You know, those two are about half crazy.

Jerry!

Would you come over here a minute?

JERRY: I'm fixing the fence!

[banging]

ROB: Fix it later.

I've got a little surprise.

JERRY: OK.

These will straighten him out.

Yeah, Rob, what's the big surprise?

I was just wondering if you had made your movie

date with the Steins yet.

No, why?

Well, uh, would you like to go to the theatre with us?

What's the matter?

Did you and the Staggs, uh--

No, no.

The Staggs are all going.

We want you to go, too.

No, it just happens that another couple of tickets

fell into my lap.

Oh, gee, I don't know.

You-- you don't know?

Jerry, these things don't just fall in your lap.

Come on, Jerry.

We really want you to go.

Oh, thanks, Laura.

And I really do appreciate it, Rob.

It's just that-- well, I'd hate to think that you're doing

this because you feel guilty.

I don't feel--

well, maybe I do feel guilty.

And I think it's because we accidentally

hurt your feelings, did we?

Oh, come on, Rob.

You think we're so childish to be

hurt by anything so childish?

Then how come Millie's been in the shower all day?

Well, you know how childish Millie is.

Oh.

Then you'll go?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, you see, I--

well, how do we know that we're going to get

along with your new friends?

They're not our new friends.

They're our new neighbors.

Well, our new neighbors have only been to your house.

[doorbell ringing]

I'll get it.

Jerry, if you'll just give the Staggs a chance,

they're great people.

Well, I don't know.

We'll see.

LAURA: Rob!

Look who's here.

It's Fred Staggs, our new neighbor.

Oh, you don't have to announce me so formally.

Just say here, comes Fred Staggs again.

Oh, I returned your, uh, drill.

How's that for neighborly?

That's my drill.

If you use these on your patients,

I don't think I'm going to ever come to see you.

I'm just kidding.

Hey, you know, I did the dumbest thing today.

I hooked my speakers out of phase.

Would you believe it?

Huh?

- My stereos. - Oh.

Hey, I was supposed to help you with that.

How did you do it wrong without me?

[laughter] - I don't know.

Look.

If you ever need any help with your tweeters or your woofers,

you call on old Jer.

Oh, yeah?

You're a hi-fi bug, huh?

Oh, no.

I just have some components.

Some compon-- he's got more equipment

than Gemini control over there.

No kidding.

What do you have?

Well, I've got a [inaudible] amplifier

and a Rufus turntable, and I've got the Palmer 3X speakers.

You have the Palmer 3Xs?

Those great big jobbers.

Woo, woo.

Yeah, wow.

I've just got those little [inaudible] But a Palmer 3X?

Wow.

I'd love to hear them.

Hey, Jerry, why don't you bring him over there

and give him listen. Would you?

Well, if you want, I could fire them up.

If you like. - Oh, I'd love it.

Are you kidding? - OK.

Listen.

Hey, I got this one recording, you know,

the train Albuquerque Express.

You can hear the fireman snoring, it's so--

Oh, I-- oh, wait a minute.

I've got to call my wife, tell her I'm

going over to your house, OK? - No.

Go ahead, Fred.

I'll call her for you. - Oh, thanks.

Hey, do you know-- have you heard that one

where the boat explodes?

JERRY: Yeah, and the people fall--

[interposing voices]

Rob, are you ever a smart man?

Yeah, you noticed then, huh?

Gee, I'm sorry I spent the money now.

I could have got those two guys together

with a cheap record album.

Hey, Mary Jane? Listen.

Fred just asked me to call you and tell you

he's going next door to the Helpers to talk sound.

Yeah.

Hmm?

Well, I don't know.

There are a lot of good fabric places in town.

Hey, you know what?

You know who knows more about fabrics

and all that kind of thing than anyone else?

Millie.

Millie Helper.

Well, she's practically a decorator.

Yeah.

Why don't you give her a call?

Hey, better yet.

Why don't you go over there?

No problem.

Rob will be glad to sit for you.

Oh, I will?

Don't be silly. Don't thank me.

What are neighbors for? See you.

For getting people into trouble.

What did you volunteer me for?

I wanted to read the paper.

Well, you can read the paper over there.

Not in my underwear, I can't.

You don't read the paper in your underwear here.

I could if I wanted to.

Rob, if a little thing like babysitting

will get those kids together, it's a small price to pay.

[horns]

What was that?

That's stereo feedback.

The mating call of two hi-fi bugs who just found each other.

And you mated them.

Honey, have we got any other playing cards?

These are full of something blech.

Oh, that's chocolate syrup.

Gee, Ritchie was supposed to wash those when

he finished playing with them.

Well, I'll do it.

You know, dear, I feel kind of badly

about not inviting the Staggs over tonight.

Well, honey, listen.

Things are going too good.

I think we ought to antagonize Millie

and Jerry by dragging the Staggs in here on our regular bridge

night. - Yeah, you're right.

Things are going well.

You know, Mary Jane told me that they're going to let,

uh, Jerry do their teeth.

Oh, boy, that's wonderful.

Nothing makes Jerry happier than a new mouth to fill up.

[laughter]

Hey, I don't understand something.

We can afford two cars and two bathrooms

and only one deck of cards.

Well, darling, that's the whole idea of plastic ones.

You only need one deck.

[doorbell ringing]

Come in.

It's open.

ROB: Hi.

Hi.

ROB: Just in time to help me dry the cards.

And I made your favorite, guacamole dip.

Hey, how come you two are so formal?

Oh, I knew we should have called.

Well, who knew they'd be going to so much trouble?

Making dip and washing cards.

What's going on, you guys?

Well, we wanted to know if you'd go

to the decorators show with us.

Oh, no, not tonight.

Let's go tomorrow night. - Yeah, come on.

Grab a towel and help me dry.

Well, uh, when I said us, I didn't mean just us.

Oh, the, uh, Staggs are part of us?

Well, she just pleaded with me to come with her.

Yeah, she called me this morning and asked me to go,

but I said no. - Come on.

Why don't you guys go with us, huh?

Well, no, Jer.

I really had my heart set on bridge.

Well, listen, there'll be other nights.

Uh, we really gotta run.

Yeah.

Tomorrow night's the big night, right?

The show and dinner.

Yeah, and I promise not to go [blowing raspberry]

at the play. LAURA: OK.

Come on. We'd better get going, huh?

We don't want to keep the Staggs waiting.

You know what they say.

Never keep the Staggs at bay.

LAURA: Oh.

Come on.

Oh, dear.

[laughs]

Well, it looks like the Helpers

and the Staggs are really hitting it off.

Yeah.

I'd-- I'd say that all that initial strangeness is past.

Oh, yeah.

I don't think we'll be troubled by any

of the pettiness that marked any of their earlier meetings.

I think they're well on their way to a good solid friendship.

Oh, yeah.

I think, uh, they're legitimately

fond of each other.

And I think, uh, they're not doing it just to please us.

No, no, no.

I think they genuinely like each other.

Oh, yeah.

I wouldn't be surprised if they

get to be very, very close.

Oh.

I wouldn't be surprised if they asked

us to move our house so they could put theirs together.

Wouldn't surprise me.

Hey, Rob?

Hey, let's not get as childish as Millie and Jerry did, huh?

I mean, we haven't lost anybody's friendship.

And even if we have, who needs them?

We still have each other. - Yeah.

We don't have to play bridge, anyway.

We can play gin.

Yeah.

These cards aren't plastic.

So there goes the whole evening, huh?

No.

No.

We can still sit here and eat guacamole and play Go Fish.

What time is it?

11:43.

Well, maybe we ought to just order and forget about them.

Maybe we ought to just leave.

I can't, Rob.

I'm starving.

I didn't eat all day.

I wish we'd stopped and had a hot dog

or something before the show.

We could have if Mary Jane and Millie had been on time.

You know what burns me up?

I'll tell you what burns me up.

We had to sit way in the back in those $42 seats,

and you gave them the four together down front.

Why?

No, I didn't.

You heard Jerry say he couldn't tape record from that far back.

He said, my mini tapie won't pick up that far.

Well, his mini tapie picked up more than my mini ears.

I didn't hear one single song.

I didn't even hear the orchestra.

[sighing]

Where could they be?

Probably stopped on the way to record street sounds.

There they are.

Swell.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi.

You been waiting long?

Well, the show got out at 11:10.

The cab ride was five minutes.

It's now almost 12.

Oh, Laura, please.

I'm in no mood for that tone of voice.

You may as well get used to it.

That's the tone for the evening.

What are you so sore about?

You're sitting in here, nice and cozy in a warm restaurant.

We've been sitting out in a cold cab with the meter running,

waiting for a couple of drunks to come out of a bar.

What drunks?

Fred and Mary Jane.

Mary Jane?

I just can't believe that about Mary Jane.

Well, they were drunk.

Where are they?

In a bar.

Well, you mean they jumped out of the cab and ran in a bar?

Practically. We were riding down 48th Street.

And Fred yells out the window, Hey, Philly Reese,

and jumps out of the cab.

Who's Philly Reese?

Some dumb guy he played football with.

He thought he saw him run into a bar

and so he ran in after him.

And then Mary Jane ran in after Fred.

And we're sitting out in the car like two dummies.

Hmm.

Well, that just doesn't sound like Mary Jane.

You mean, they never came out?

Oh, they came out but just to tell us to go on our way.

LAURA: You mean, just like that?

Yeah, just like that.

Well, it wasn't just like that.

I mean, they came out and asked us if we minded if they

spent the evening with Phil.

And we said no.

I'm sure glad we did.

I'd much rather be with you two guys than

with those two drunks any day.

They weren't drunks.

They're drunks.

They went into a bar, didn't they?

Well, Jerry, not everyone who goes into a bar is a drunk.

I just hate a guy who's out with one couple and switches

to another couple in the middle of the street.

In my book, that's not a real friend.

Well, don't be too harsh on him, Jerry.

After three days, nobody qualifies as a real friend.

Yeah, well, that's one thing you wouldn't do with me, Rob.

There are very few people like me.

Or me.

Boy, I'd never do a thing like that.

Boy, was I right about them.

You were also right when you said old friends

are the best friends.

And I was right when I--

When you what?

When I put the snacks and the guacamole in the refrigerator.

They're closing this place. Come on.

Let's go back to our house and eat, huh?

Well.

How about those crumbs, huh?

Well, come on, Jerry.

They don't qualify for crumbs, either, after only three days.

He's so quick to judge.

Hey, your honor, here's a good question for you.

How much do you tip a waiter for 10 bread sticks

and two glasses of water?

Do you, uh, come here often?

Never.

Then stiff 'em.

That's why you're my best friend.

Next to you, I got a lot of class.

[laughing]

[doorbell ringing]

My gosh.

It's 1:00.

- It's probably the Staggs. - Yeah.

They probably want to make up.

There's nothing to make up for.

Hi.

Listen, we feel terrible.

Gosh, we're really sorry about what happened.

But, you know, Phil and Fred haven't

seen each other for years.

I haven't seen this guy since we had a huddle at the Orange

Bowl seven years ago.

We feel sick about it.

- Oh, no. - We understand.

- Hey, why don't you come in? - No, we can't.

We've got a babysitter that charges triple after 12:00.

Can you believe that? LAURA: Oh.

But we'd like all of you to come to our house

for dinner next Thursday night.

Phil Reese and his wife are coming over.

Oh, well, that's our bridge night.

We can't come. MARY JANE: Oh.

He's a wholesale shirt manufacturer.

We'll come.

We'll play bridge on Friday night.

Good.

Listen.

We'll expect you on Thursday.

Yeah, I'll see you la-- oh, wait a minute.

Jerry, your mini tapie.

- Hey, it came out pretty clear. - Real nice.

I'll see you later. - OK.

- See you later. - I'm sorry.

We're sick about it. - That's all right.

- OK. - Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Hot dog.

I missed this whole thing, Jerry.

Will you play it for me?

And you were the one who was making fun of that little mini

tapie all night long.

Making fun of this?

Well, I'm going to show you something.

You-- you just watch.

I've got this whole show on tape.

We'll start right from the beginning.

Yeah. It's all set.

Ready? And--

[music playing]

MAN (ON TAPE): (SINGING) Mother, Mother, tell me true.

Why do moo cows go moo-moo?

And the horses go neigh-neigh?

Hey, what's that?

The heck, you say.

Father, Father, Mother lied when she said that you had d*ed.

But here you stand before my bed.

You couldn't do that if you're dead.

Is that in the show?

Sure.

That's a hit song.

Remember what he said about Thornton Alsbury's plays?

You know, [blowing raspberry].

[all blowing raspberries]

[music playing]