05x32 - The Last Chapter

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: The d*ck Van d*ke Show!

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Hi, Honey.

Rob, your whole dinner's practically ruined!

Oh well, who cares?

I do!

Where were you?

When I show you what I got behind my back,

you're going to forgive me for everything

Oh, good.

You remembered to get Ritchie's shoes from the repair shop?

I forgot.

Honey, my book.

What book?

What-- I tear myself apart for five years trying to write

a book, and you say what book?

Oh, Rob.

Your book?

Untitled.

A series of terribly important events

in the fairly unimportant life of Robert S. Petrie.

Oh, Rob.

You've finished it.

You really finished it!

Yeah, during my lunch hours and one dinner hour tonight.

Oh, boy.

Well, I tell you what.

You start your wilted salad and the rest of the meal

is in the oven.

Honey, I don't want to have to eat in the bedroom.

You're going to watch me read?

Yes, indeed I am.

Rob, it's no good.

Well how can you say that?

You haven't even read the first page yet.

I haven't read the first word.

And I'm not going to be able to with you

staring over my shoulder.

Now come on. - I'm in the other room.

Keep reading. Read, read.

I'm gone.

[dish clattering]

Rob.

ROB (VOICEOVER): This book is for my wife.

I was born in Danville, Illinois.

Then I married Laura Meehan in Joplin, Missouri.

The reason I won't tell you about the time in between

is that, except for the time I broke my cheek at age 11,

my life was exactly like that of Doctor Zhivago.

Except his took place in Russia and mine in Danville.

Rather than risk a lawsuit, I'll concentrate on my life

after marriage.

Like most strong marriages, mine started with a weak proposal.

Rob, are you all right?

Oh yeah, I'm fine.

It's just-- it's a little cold out tonight.

Cold?

It must be 80 degrees.

It is?

Rob, we'd better drive right back.

I think you've caught a cold.

You're shivering.

Well it's a family trait.

All the male members of my family

shiver when they're about to propose marriage.

Is that what you're about to do?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so.

Laura.

Will you marry me?

You want me to marry you?

Yeah, very much.

Oh.

You're shivering.

Well all the female members of my family

react this way when they accept marriage proposals.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, I guess I guess we ought to--

Yeah.

[sighs]

BOTH: Wow.

When do you want to?

Want to what?

Get married.

Oh.

Well I hadn't-- I hadn't thought about it.

You hadn't?

Well, no.

I thought you'd say no.

Well hubba-- hubba-- hubba-- hubba-- hubba-- hubba--

how about Sunday?

Sunday?

Sunday would be fine.

Sunday.

Sunday.

Just think, next Sunday I'll be Mrs. Robert Petrie.

Yeah.

Sunday.

Are you scared?

No.

So am I.

ROB (VOICEOVER): A funny thing happened to be on my way

to my wedding.

I missed it.

I had an accident and arrived at the chapel just in time

to collapse.

[somber wedding music]

Oh, Rob.

Laura?

Laura!

Laura, it's me!

Let go!

It's me, Rob!

I don't ever want to see you again.

Now wait a minute, Honey.

I know you were a little upset today, and I don't blame you.

I'm not upset, and let go of my hand!

Not until you promise to stay here and listen to me.

Now please.

All right, I promise.

Now let go.

OK.

Honey!

You promised you'd stay and listen to me.

And you promised you'd marry me!

Where were you?

That's what I want to explain!

I've never been so humiliated in my whole life, Rob.

Everybody was here.

Even my Aunt Mildred was here.

She came all the way from Ohio!

Oh, honey.

Please.

I hate to see you cry like this.

Well it's the only way I know how to cry!

You jilted me!

Honey, I--

I didn't jilt you.

Well somebody did.

I came here to get married and I'm still single.

And let go of my hand!

No sir!

You promised this hand to me in marriage,

and you gave it to me.

Now I'm going to explain to you why I was late,

and if you want your hand back now,

I'll be perfectly happy to give it to you.

Make it fast.

My train leaves in an hour.

Do you know that you are a very

stubborn, unreasonable, egocentric young lady?

How dare you?

And give me back my hand!

I'll give it back to you just as

soon as I'm finished with it.

Now I'll admit that you suffered a little mental anguish here

today, but are you so self-centered

that you haven't noticed that I am suffering too?

Oh, are you?

I'm wincing with pain every few seconds.

Did you even notice that I'm covered with grease

and my ankle is swollen to twice its normal size?

Don't touch my foot.

Well, what happened?

There.

That's what you should have said when you first saw me.

Oh, Rob.

What did happen?

Well, it's a long story.

You might miss your train.

I'd like to hear it.

Well, to tell you the truth, when I got up this morning,

I was scared.

I wasn't sure that our getting married was such a good idea.

Well all right, I'll admit, I had some doubts.

All single men do.

All single men who don't want to get married.

All single men.

There's a-- there's a foreverness about marriage.

It's frightening.

Not to me.

Well you've never been a single man.

Well anyway, I took a drive this morning out to our spot.

Had a nice long talk with myself.

I tried very hard to convince myself that our getting married

was a big mistake.

Oh?

Yeah.

For every good reason I could come up with that I should

marry you, I came up with about 10

good reasons why I shouldn't.

That's nice.

There's only one good reason I couldn't knock down.

I love you.

I know that's a ridiculous reason to get married,

but I'm a little old-fashioned that way.

Well, that's my story.

If you want to go catch your train,

you're perfectly free to go.

How did you hurt your ankle?

Well, the Jeep broke down and I started running here,

and I tripped and sprained it.

How did you get back here?

I hopped.

All the way?

Two and a half hours.

I believe this is yours.

Next Sunday?

Please.

ROB (VOICEOVER): Next Sunday, I was in no shape to get married,

but I couldn't tell Laura.

My ankle throbbed, and I had a cold

that would k*ll a rhinoceros.

My head was so stuffed I couldn't hear one

word the chaplain was saying.

Thou have this woman to be thy wife,

to love, and to cherish, in sickness--

I do.

I don't.

In sickness, and in health, until death do you part?

I do.

And do you Laura, take this man to love, and to cherish,

in sickness, and in health, till death do you part?

I do.

I do.

I don't.

There be anyone present who knows why these two should not

be joined in lawful wedlock, let him speak now,

or forever hold his peace.

I do.

Well so do I.

ROB (VOICEOVER): Well, we finally did get married,

and one year and nine months later,

we were lying in bed waiting impatiently for you know who.

Honey, how do you feel?

Fine.

Honey, how can you read when you know you

might be a mother any minute?

Honey, I'm not going to be a mother any minute.

Look, I was with you when your doctor

said it could be any day now.

He said any day, not any minute.

Yeah, but Honey, that was three days ago.

Don't you feel anything funny?

I do feel something.

Funny?

No.

I feel you're going to have a nervous breakdown if you

don't relax and go to sleep.

Now relax.

I'm relaxed!

I'm relaxed!

You don't look it.

Believe me, Darling.

The best thing you can do for me is to go to sleep.

I'll call you if anything happens.

All right, Honey.

I'll try to get some sleep.

You call me if anything happens.

Who else would I call?

I had a cousin call a cab.

She didn't want to disturb her husband.

I promise I'll disturb you.

Now go to sleep.

Honey, what are you reading?

What to do before the doctor comes.

What are you reading that for?

You expect something to happen before the doctor comes?

No Rob, I'm just reading to get sleepy.

Honey, you never have any trouble getting to sleep.

Why can't you go to sleep?

Because I'm married to the noisiest husband

in New York State.

Honey.

All right Honey, I'm just trying to--

I'll call a cab.

All right, all right.

You won't hear another word out of me unless you call me.

All right? - All right.

Oh dear.

What's the matter?

What?

What's what?

You said oh dear.

I was just sighing.

Well Honey, at a time like this,

don't sigh unless you really mean it.

I'll try not to.

All right.

LAURA: Good night.

Good night.

[alarm clock]

It's time!

Oh, Rob.

Honey!

It's all right.

LAURA: Rob, I am perfectly all--

I'll get the car. I'll call the hospital.

Rob, I am perfectly all right.

I just dropped the alarm clock.

You didn't feel anything funny?

No.

Look.

In your suit again.

Rob, take those clothes off and go to sleep.

Just never mind about the suit.

He says any day now.

Any day now.

Probably be a week before--

ROB (VOICEOVER): The next morning,

I went to work looking like I'd slept in a box of prunes.

We all decided I ought to have my suit pressed.

Fast and friendly service, who's got the suit to go?

Oh!

Will you give that to him?

Watch out!

Watch out, the pastry.

That got health laws in this state.

My goodness, I never saw anything.

Will you pass it over to the boy--

In case you want to get rid of it.

Boy, would you get it right back?

I need it badly. Quick.

What did you do? Sleep in this thing?

Yes, I did. Just go.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You going to buy something?

How about a Danish pastry?

- How much? - Press the pants!

I'm going. I'm going!

Oh!

That's hot.

Now, are you all finished with your

own personal little doings?

Yeah, he's here.

Hey Rob, it's your wife. I think this is it.

Oh, hand me the phone!

Watch out!

The Danish with the health laws!

I'm sorry.

I'll pay for it all.

- You're going to pay it? - I'll pay for it.

Walk on em. Look.

Rob, here's the phone.

Right in the eyes.

You want a-- you want a piece of ice?

No thank you.

Hey, meat is good for that.

I got beef bun over there.

Hey Laura?

LAURA: Rob, what happened? Are you all right?

Nothing. I'm all right, Honey.

I'm fine.

I got hit in the head with a phone.

How are you? - Well, I don't know.

I just called the doctor and he said that I have plenty

of time, but I should start getting

ready to go to the hospital.

Oh, I love you.

This is it g*ng!

Hey Rob!

Didn't you forget something?

Oh, hang it up, will you?

Rob!

Your suit.

I can't pick it up tomorrow.

You can't run around New York with your pants off.

Ah!

Mel, give me your pants.

I really need my pants today.

I'm having lunch with a sponsor.

Buddy.

I would, but they'd never fit you.

I don't care what I look like.

I just don't want to be arrested.

Come on, Buddy.

ROB (VOICEOVER): Wearing Buddy's pants,

I rushed home and got there just in time

to smash my car in the driveway.

Rob!

Honey, how do you feel?

Honey, never-- wha-- what's the matter with you?

Are you all right?

What are those pants?

Never mind my pants, Honey.

Come on. Let's go.

Well Rob!

You can't go mister.

Oh, mister, I want to drive my wife myself.

You, and me, and the car in front of us all locked

bumpers when you knocked into me.

Well can't we unlock them?

You've got to have a lot of help for that.

We're like welded together.

Oh my God.

I'll have to-- I know. Millie.

Millie, call any of the neighbors and ask them.

No, no. I'll do it.

Can I use your phone?

Why?

No, I'll use ours.

Where is it?

It's over there.

What's their number?

Whose?

Anybody's!

Rob, calm down.

We have plenty of time.

Honey, I want you to sit down.

Don't stand up.

Oh, Rob.

That's it.

Hello, operator?

Operator?

My wife's having a baby.

Wait a minute, give me the police!

Rob, why don't you just call another taxi?

Yeah, let me call my company.

We'll have another cab here in five minutes.

MILLIE: Yeah Rob, let's call--

There's not going to be any company-- oh, don't hang up!

Hello?

Send a squad car here right away.

Good.

Our troubles are over, Honey. - Rob.

A squad car's coming right down here any minute now.

- Rob. - What's the matter?

You didn't give them our address.

I didn't-- oh my gosh.

ROB (VOICEOVER): A week later, we brought home a baby.

However, certain evidence convinced me

that the baby wasn't ours.

So we decided to take his footprints.

There's something very funny about this footprint.

Let's compare them.

I know what's funny about that footprint.

It's got six toes.

Rob, that's your thumb print!

Well Jerry, what do you think?

Rob.

I would say that that footprint and that footprint

are from that baby.

Are you sure?

Jerry, are you positive?

Yep.

That's what I was afraid of.

Read the top line.

Sex, male.

Name, Baby Boy Peters?

I'm afraid that proves it, Jerry.

Well that proves nothing

Jerry, you said those were both the same.

Well what do I know about footprints?

I'm a dentist.

Wait, Rob, wait.

Before you tell Laura, at least check with the hospital.

All right Jerry, I'll check with them first.

It's probably them checking with me.

Hello.

Yes, this is Robert Petrie.

Who?

It's Mr. Peters.

What does he want?

What do you think?

Hello.

Yes Mr. Peters.

That's right.

You have something of ours, and we have something of yours.

Dried figs.

She got Laura's aunt's figs.

Mr. Peters.

You don't-- you don't know then.

I see.

Well, Mr. Peters, this is going to be

a little hard to tell you.

See, how can I put it?

Look, Mr. Peters.

You know there's a tremendous similarity

between room to 208 and 203.

If you close up the open end of a three, you've got an eight.

Right.

Now there's also a great similarity

between Robert Petrie, yes.

Yeah, that's right.

I write for The Alan Brady Show.

Well I'm glad you think our show is funny Mr. Peters,

but I'd like to get this thing settled.

There is also a great similarity, Mr. Peters,

between our names.

Peters and Petrie.

Now our wives had a baby in the same day, in the same hospital,

and the hospital was very busy, Mr. Peters.

What am I getting at?

Mr. Peters, let me ask you a personal question.

Who does your baby look like?

Uh-huh?

Well ours doesn't look like neither one of us neither.

I think I'm making myself very clear Mr. Peters.

We have each other's babies.

ROB (VOICEOVER): Mr. Peters agreed to come

over and straighten things out.

Now all I had to do was find a good way to tell Laura

that she had the wrong baby.

I love you very much.

Honey, how much do you like that baby.

Oh, Rob, don't tell me you're jealous already.

Honey, I'm not--

Oh, that Dr. Spock knows everything.

That man is a genius.

He doesn't know everything in the whole world.

Laura, did you know the one out of every 50 million women

has the wrong baby.

Well that's a cute trick.

How does she manage?

Honey, she doesn't have it while she's having it.

After she has it, she has it.

Rob, are you trying to tell me that we have the wrong baby?

You're crazy.

Honey, keep calm.

Honey, I'm perfectly calm.

Our baby is probably just as cute as that one is.

Oh, will you stop?

Where did you ever get such a crazy idea?

At the hospital!

That's where we got it!

We got the wrong flowers.

You forgot about the blueberry tarts and the rice pudding

pretty fast, didn't you?

Not to mention dried figs?

Dried-- Rob, this is our baby, and that's all there is to it.

Honey, he doesn't even look like us.

Rob.

You see?

All I see is our baby with a blue foot.

What is that, Rob?

Ink.

How did it get there?

Jerry and I put it on.

Why?

Just running a series of tests.

Rob, there are no series of tests

in the world that are going to convince me

that is not our baby.

Oh, Honey.

I don't blame you.

You can't face the facts.

Poor kid.

Oh, Rob.

Well, Honey, that's probably the Peters now.

Brace yourself.

Rob, nobody is taking this baby.

Do you hear me?

Nobody!

Laura, I think it'd be better if you went to your room.

I can handle this.

I am staying right here.

MR. PETERS: Hi, we're Mr. And Mrs. Peters.

Come in.

I believe--

I believe we have your Aunt Bertha's figs

and you have taken Benny's flowers.

Mrs. Peters, won't you come in?

Come and sit down.

Rob?

What do you think? Is it a book?

Oh Rob, it is.

It really is. It is.

I love it. - Do you really?

Yeah, I only read the first chapters.

The rest is good?

Honey, better.

I improve as I get along.

I start to use punctuation.

Everything.

If you were a publisher, and you didn't know me,

didn't know I'd written it, would you publish it?

- You mean Is it good? - Yeah.

Yeah, Rob.

It really is.

Well boy, I'm glad to hear that.

Because I sent it to a publisher.

If he turns me down, you got a deal.

Oh my.

Yeah, Honey.

I am-- I don't--

You OK?

No, read.

Go ahead and read.

You mean he wouldn't even give you a hint

about what the surprise was?

No, he just said I'm bringing Alan Brady and the g*ng home

to make a party.

I'll bet it's about the book.

I bet he found a publisher.

Oh, do you think so?

Hi Honey.

Hey, hi!

[interposing voices] - Hi, Jere.

Laura, how are you?

Jerry!

[interposing voices]

We're not nearly ready for dinner, Rob.

Are you ready for a little bit of good news?

Yeah, I think so.

I heard from the publisher today.

Yeah?

He hates it, boy.

He said it reminded him of about 50 other books.

- He's kidding? - No, no.

That's what they said.

That's right.

One editor said it stunk.

Well, why is everyone so happy?

Because Alan read it, and he loved it.

What do I know from style?

Honey, Alan wants to produce it as a television series.

Your book's going to be a television series?

It's true.

Of course, I won't do it until after my series

is defunct, which may never be.

Alan is going to play me.

Yeah, the three of us are going to write it,

and Leonard Bershad is going to produce it.

[interposing voices]

Wait.

Hold it, hold it a second.

Honey, what do you think? - Oh, gosh.

I don't know what to say.

Alan's really going to play you?

And Rob won't have to shave his head.

I'll wear a toupee.

Isn't that terrific?

Yeah!

Who's going to play me?

Oh.

Great comedian. - Who?

Who?

Martha Diller.

Martha Diller?

With the--

It was my idea.

LAURA: Really?

Is that definite, Rob?

Yes. Yes.

Hey, who's going to play me?

Your part will be cartoon.

Oh my gosh.

SALLY: What's the matter?

Well, I was just thinking.

Laura's so pretty, and if Martha Diller is going to play her,

who's going to play me?

Oh, come on.

[interposing voices]

[theme music]