03x01 - That's My Boy??

[bunniefuu]

[MUSIC - THEME, "THE d*ck VAN d*ke SHOW"]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthew, and Mary Tyler Moore.

OK, everybody, why don't you come over here and sit down.

Bring your coffee.

OK, wonderful, thank you.

Mel, come right over here and sit down, lean back and relax.

Thank you, Rob.

Laura, you're a wonderful cook.

I don't know when I've enjoyed a better meal.

I don't either.

Really pays to fuss.

As a matter of fact, this has been a very pleasant evening.

Well, thank you, Mel.

You're very sweet to say so.

Honey, stop bowing.

The only reason Mel's happy is because Buddy isn't here.

You promised you wouldn't mention that name.

You know, everybody's been so nice to me,

I think I ought to send my wife out of town more often.

It's your wife's sister that had the baby.

First one.

I talked with my wife this morning

and we have a lovely niece.

That's a lucky baby.

What do you mean lucky?

Oh, you've never met my sister-in-law.

ROB: Oh, what does she look like?

A lot like my brother-in-law.

Well, is that the one that Buddy calls Godzilla?

That's the one.

Yeah.

But the baby's gorgeous.

I highly suspect they gave him the wrong child.

The wrong child?

Did I say something funny?

You sure did.

You just said you highly suspect the hospital

gave him the wrong child.

But that's impossible, right Rob?

Well--

True, Mel, if you have any questions on the subject,

ask Rob.

He's kind of an expert.

Oh, really?

MILLIE: Oh, sure.

Rob, tell Mel what happened when you brought

Ritchie home from the hospital.

No, no.

Nobody wants to hear that. - Yes, they do.

What happened?

JERRY: Tell him.

It was nothing.

It was a silly mistake.

It was just nothing.

Nothing?

He just decided they had the role baby, that's all.

He didn't.

He did.

You didn't!

I did.

Now, wait a minute, Mel.

If you'd been in my position and collected all the evidence

that I did, you would begin to believe also that the hospital

gave you the role baby.

I never heard of anybody getting the wrong baby.

What was this evidence?

Well, let's see.

First, well, it was the blue foot.

You remember that, Jerry.

What blue foot.

Well, Jerry--

Darling, why don't you just start at the beginning.

OK.

Well, you see, Jerry and I had gone to the hospital

to bring Laura and Ritchie home.

You know how hectic that first day can be.

Well, I was no worse than any other father,

no more nervous, no less nervous.

Rob.

Rob.

Rob. I'm fine.

I'm all right. I'm all right.

Darling, aren't you feeling better?

I'm just fine, just fine.

Let's stop all this gabbing.

Honey, sit down.

You shouldn't be standing up.

Sit.

Please, we've got an awful lot to do.

Jerry.

You got a lot to do.

Like fainting again.

Jerry, I didn't faint.

I just got a little dizzy on that elevator trip up here.

Rob, we're only on the second floor.

I went all the way to the th floor.

Why?

I got stuck with an emergency appendectomy.

They wouldn't let me off.

OK.

All right, now.

Jerry, start grabbing things.

Right.

Rob, did you eat anything today?

Of course I ate, honey.

What?

Pretzel, potato chips, and a bottle of sour milk.

Where on Earth did you buy sour milk?

You don't buy it, honey.

There's bottles of it on the back porch.

Would you do me a favor, darling.

Please eat this apple for my sake.

OK, honey, I'll eat it later.

Right now I'm just fine.

All right Jerry, you get the bag.

- I got it. - You got the flowers.

- I got it. - Did I pack that?

Yes, you did.

Oh, that's all right, I'll just take it, honey.

- Now I can take these-- - No, no.

I'll take them, honey. Give them to me.

I'll take them.

You're not carrying anything.

Put the giraffe neck under my neck.

OK.

Did you pay the bill?

I payed the bill. Jerry, you got it?

JERRY: I got it.

All right, that is just about everything, huh?

How about the baby?

Aw, only a mother would think of that.

[knocking]

Come in.

Oh, that's probably it now.

Let me see, let me see that cute little bundle of sheets.

We need to make up this room right away, please.

- What's that for? - Hospital rules.

Patients have to ride out.

Good rule, good rule.

Honey, wait, I'll help you.

I can do it.

Grab that thumb.

Easy, take it easy.

Here's your baby, Mrs. Petrie.

Ah, ha!

Let me see, let me see.

Watch for the head.

Let me see that boy.

Oh, hi, son.

I'll be right back with the baby's records.

Thank you.

Honey, you shouldn't be exert-- you

shouldn't be carrying the baby.

Jerry, put that stuff down.

Darling, it's silly.

Take that.

I got it.

Oh Rob, darling, let me carry the baby.

Take the box of candy.

Right.

Oh no, this goes under your chin.

Oh.

Watch his head.

OK.

OK, honey, sit down in the chair.

OK.

Comfortable? - Yes.

All right, Jer, have you got anything?

- Yeah, yeah. - All right.

Good, we're all set? - All set.

- Go. - OK.

Jer?

- Darling. - Let me see.

Why don't you give me the baby.

No, honey.

Look you take the baby.

OK, Jer.

Get-- no, I'll get that stuff.

That goes under your arm.

I'm sorry, this has been such a busy day.

Now these are the baby's records.

You must put them in a safe place.

Mr--

Would you put that in my breast pocket, please?

Right there.

Yes, of course.

I'm so sorry.

Mrs. Petrie, I have your valuables right here.

Would you check them please?

Oh no.

These aren't mine, I had just a watch.

Oh, stupid.

Room .

Busy, busy, busy.

Here is room .

That's it.

Yes, well, goodbye Mr. and Mrs. Petrie,

and I wish you a lot of luck with her.

Her?

Oh, I'm sorry, him.

Baby boy Peters.

No, Petrie.

Whatever.

Please don't come, make up Mrs. Petrie's room.

But we're the Petries.

Well, whatever.

They're leaving today, too.

Boy will I be glad when this day is over.

How'd you like that, tiger.

She thought you were a girl.

But what a madhouse this place is.

Let's get out of here, ready? - Ready.

OK, honey. Come on.

Let's go.

No, Rob, the nurse will do it.

Oh.

I'm so glad you haven't left.

Look what just came for you.

There's a chain.

Put them here.

Hang them over my neck.

How does that feel?

Fine.

Fine.

You're going to be proud of her.

Him, him.

Well, whatever.

You mean just because of those little mix ups,

you thought you had the wrong baby.

Oh no, the things that happened at the hospital

were just a preview of things to come.

What happened?

Well, I really don't know what was going on

in Rob's feverish mind, because at the time Millie

and I were busy taking care of the baby.

Well, you know something, Jerry?

This is getting to me.

I think I'm a premature father.

JERRY: Rob, why don't you eat something?

Yeah.

Come on, Rob, sit down, relax.

All right.

Oh, boy, what a day.

Exhausted.

Well listen, that hospital could wear anybody out.

I never saw such confusion.

Yeah.

Jer, who do you think the baby looks like?

I don't know.

How can you tell at this age?

I mean their looks change every day.

Now that first day he looked like you.

Yeah.

Then a little later he looked something like Laura.

And then today coming home in the cab,

he looked a lot like Ralph Maronti.

Who's Ralph Martoni?

The cab driver.

Didn't you see his picture.

Little pudgy, bald guy.

Rob, listen.

All newborn babies look like Ralph Martoni.

I mean, the hospital could give you any kid,

and you wouldn't know the difference.

Yeah, my grandmother warned me about that.

Rob, that's some baby.

Oh, thanks, Mel.

Hey, Mel?

Who do you think the baby looks like?

Well, the first time I saw him,

I thought he was the image of you.

Yeah?

But today.

He looks a lot like Laura?

No, he doesn't look like either one of you.

Ralph Martoni.

Nothing, Mill.

Forget it.

Jerry, you want to give me a hand in the kitchen?

Do I have an alternative?

No.

Then I think I'll give you a hand in the kitchen.

Oh, Rob, do we have a baby!

Do you know what he's been doing in there?

- What? - Nothing.

He doesn't cry or anything.

He's just the best baby, Rob.

I just been standing there, staring at him.

I can't believe he's ours.

What?

You know, that he's actually, home and that he's ours.

Oh.

And he looks so different.

Huh?

I don't know, in his own little bassinet,

he just looks like a different baby.

[doorbell]

I wonder who it is?

So do I.

Well, go see.

I will.

Rob?

Front door?

Oh.

Hi, Rob!

Sally.

I'll see you later, you're only the father.

Hey, why don't you eat something?

You look terrible.

Hi, Laura.

[horn honing]

Whee!

Hiya, pop.

Hi.

Is that for us?

No, my car broke down, so I rode

Sally up on the handlebars.

I brought it for the kid.

Well, he's just a little baby.

Well, it's a little bicycle.

They can grow up together.

Hey, doesn't Laura look great?

She's already got her whole figure back.

Oh, boy, am I jealous.

Not me.

I already got it all figured.

Hey.

Hi.

Hey, Jerry.

Hi.

Hey, Don't you guys want to see the baby?

Sure we want to see the baby.

I've been practicing funny faces all day.

The one you're doing now is hysterical.

I can't believe this baby.

Well, I just one more peek, and that's it,

we've got to get back. - Hey, Jer?

- Yeah. - Close the door.

Huh?

Close it.

What is it?

Jerry, you remember earlier we were

talking about Ralph Martoni.

Yeah.

Jerry, that nurse gave Laura the wrong jewelry,

she called him a her.

She didn't even know our name.

And everybody, including me, thinks

it looks like a different baby.

Rob.

Even Laura thinks the baby looks different.

His own mother.

I think.

Things like that just don't happen.

Now listen Rob, will you just forget about that?

It just doesn't happen.

Jerry, it is possible.

It's not possible.

Now listen, Rob.

Don't you dare tell Laura what you've been thinking.

Oh, baby, that baby.

I just got to get married.

Rob, do you know what he did?

He woke up.

Rob, that is a cute kid.

Honest.

You sure you got the right baby?

Why do you say that?

Well, you're so tall, and the kid is only about this--

Oh, come on.

You handled the ordeal very well.

Good luck with the kid, and if he needs any newborn baby

jokes, have him call me.

Thanks for the present.

Oh, wait till you see what's coming from Aunt Sally.

ROB: What?

Well, I don't know, but I think I just committed myself

to something very expensive.

Goodnight, Rob.

Goodnight.

After all the excitement today,

it's going to be kind of nice to be alone.

Yes. Just the two of us.

Three of us.

Oh, yeah, we got the little stranger.

Baby.

You know, I didn't realize how many friends we have?

All the fruit and the candy and the flowers are just beautiful.

Who sent us those?

Which?

The ones that we got when we were leaving the hospital.

I don't know.

You know, in all the excitement of leaving today,

I never even looked at the card.

Neither did I. Congratulations and much love,

d*ck and Betty Carter.

Aw.

Do you know a d*ck and Betty Carter?

No.

Is it someone in your office?

No.

The only d*ck and Betty Carter are Phil and Edna Greenbow.

Oh, Rob, look, this explains it.

These are for Mrs. Peters in room .

They've been doing that all week long.

They kept getting us mixed up.

You know Peters, two or three, and Petrie to .

As a matter of fact, one night I even got her rice pudding.

What did you say?

That I got her rice pudding.

You got her rice pudding?

Yeah.

Which means that she probably got my blueberry tart.

Among other things.

As a matter of fact, you know that envelope they gave

us when we were leaving today?

That was hers.

I remember that.

That's it, that's how it happened.

I knew it.

Rob, why are you getting so excited.

They're only flowers, dear, we can return them.

We're not going to bring up the wrong flowers.

What on Earth are you talking about?

Honey, you're probably very tired.

Why don't you take a nap.

I'm going to, darling, but first I got to change the baby.

Right.

She's right.

We've got to change that baby.

Now tell the truth, Mel, wouldn't you

be just a little suspicious if you got the wrong flowers,

and the wrong envelope?

Now what would you think?

I might think I had the wrong baby.

Just what I thought, only I was sure.

So I made a phone call.

You called the hospital.

No, unfortunately he called me.

Well?

What do you think of that?

All right, so you got flowers from d*ck and Betty Carter.

Now what does that prove?

What does it prove?

Did you ever get flowers d*ck and Betty Carter?

I don't even know d*ck and Betty.

Well, neither do we.

The only one in this house who knows d*ck and Betty Carter

is a baby.

Listen, Rob, I don't care how much circumstantial evidence

you have, a mistake like this is practically impossible.

But it is possible.

Yeah, right.

One out of million cases.

And it had to be us.

Jerry, I'm gonna have to tell Laura.

Now wait a minute.

Don't say one word to Laura until you're % sure.

Now listen, Rob.

We need more evidence.

Yeah.

I know what I'll do.

I'll call the Peters.

Now Rob, it's not fair to upset them, either.

No?

Not unless you're sure.

Well, I can kind of hint around the subject.

How can you hint about a thing like that?

Well, I'll say my wife.

We got their flowers by mistake, and I'll

be happy to bring them over because I was going

to drop by to pick up my baby.

We got to do something.

We're getting attached to this baby.

They're getting attached to that one, to ours.

The longer we let the thing drag on,

the tougher it's going to be.

Now there must be some way to make sure that--

Not without upsetting a lot of people.

- Jerry, - Yeah, Rob?

Would you get out of the way?

I have to pace.

Jerry?

Yeah.

Don't dentists help identify criminals

by examining their teeth?

I know.

No teeth.

They only have the gums, right.

Rob, I got it.

I got it.

Footprints.

We'll check the baby's footprints against the records.

Oh, Jerry, that's great.

There's an ink stamp pen and paper in that bottom drawer.

The baby's records are in "The Magic Mountain."

JERRY: The what?

Of the book.

Oh, Thomas [inaudible].

I'll take baby out.

Laura's asleep.

Oh, I hope our baby's as cute as this one.

Rob, that is your baby.

I hope so.

Here, little fella.

This isn't going to hurt a bit.

Rob.

Here, you take ink and spread it on his foot.

And I'll get the paper ready.

Shh, shh, shh.

I think I got it.

Here, hold that.

Jerry, there's something very funny about this footprint.

Let's compare them.

I know what's funny about that footprint, it's got six toes.

That's your thumbprint.

Oh.

Jerry, what do you think?

Rob, I would say that that footprint and that footprint

are from that baby.

Are you sure?

Jerry, are you positive?

Yep.

That's what I was afraid of.

Read the top line.

Sex, male, name, baby boy Peters.

Well, I'm afraid that proves it, Jerry.

Well, that proves nothing.

Jerry, you said those were both the same.

Well, what do I know about footprints?

I'm a dentist.

I only know mouthprints.

Look, we wanted proof, we asked for it, and we got it.

Now Rob, it only proves that we just

got another wrong envelope.

It's no use, Jerry.

I'm going to tell Laura.

Now wait a minute, Rob, wait.

Before you tell Laura, at least check with the hospital, huh?

All right, Jerry, I'll check with them first.

[phone ringing]

It's probably them checking with me.

Hello?

Yes, this is Robert Petrie.

Who?

It's Mr. Peters.

What does he want?

What do you think?

Hello.

Yes, Mr. Peters.

That's right.

You have something of ours, and we have something of yours.

Dried figs.

She got Laura's aunt's figs.

Mr. Peters, you don't know, then.

I see.

Well, Mr. Peter, this is going to be

a little hard to tell you.

See, how can I put it?

Look, Mr. Peters, you know there's a tremendous similarity

between room and .

If you close up the open end of a three, you've got an eight.

Right.

Now, there's also a great similarity between--

Robert Petrie, yes.

Yeah, that's right, I write for "The Alan Brady Show."

I'm glad you think our show is funny, Mr. Peters.

I'd like to get this settled.

There is also a great similarity, Mr. Peters,

between our names, Peters and Petrie.

Now our wives had a baby on the same day, in the same hospital,

and the hospital was very busy, Mr. Peters.

What am I getting at?

Mr. Peters, let me ask you a personal question.

Who does your baby look like?

Uh-huh.

Well, ours doesn't look like neither one of us, neither.

I think I'm making myself very clear, Mr. Peters.

We have each other's babies.

Mr. Peters, how do you want to handle this?

Don't tell me it's impossible.

Mr. Peters, I've got the evidence.

Now what's your address?

That's perfectly all right with me as

long as we settle it tonight.

Fine with me.

The hospital give you my address?

All right, fine.

Goodbye.

He's coming here?

Yeah.

He said his wife wanted some air,

and he was going to bring the dried figs by anyway.

He's being pretty light about this thing.

Some guys don't care whose baby they bring up.

Rob, who called?

Oh, hi, Jerry.

Hi, Laura, I was just leaving.

Rob, what's the baby doing out here?

Good night, folks.

And good bye son.

Honey, I would like--

I want to talk to you.

Well that-- that was the Peters on the phone.

The flower people.

They are coming over here in a few minutes.

They are?

Yeah.

Honey, I hate to have to tell you this.

We have the wrong flowers.

Rob, is something bothering you?

No.

Honey, I love you very much.

Honey, how much do you like that baby?

Oh, Rob, don't tell me you're jealous already.

Honey, I'm not--

Oh, that Dr. Spock knows everything.

That man is a genius.

He doesn't know everything in the whole world.

For instance, he doesn't know that you are in million.

Thank you, darling.

Don't thank me.

Did you know that one out of every million women

has the wrong baby?

That's a cute trick.

How does she manage?

She doesn't have it while she's having it,

it's after she has it, she has it.

Rob, are you trying to tell me that we have the wrong baby?

You're crazy.

Honey, keep calm.

I'm perfectly calm, except that I'm

a little worried about you.

Darling, why don't you eat something.

Honey, I have eaten.

I can take it.

I can take [inaudible] Our baby is probably

just as cute as that one is.

Will you stop!

Where did you ever get such a crazy idea?

At the hospital.

That's where we got it.

We got the wrong flowers.

You forgot about the blueberry tarts and the rice pudding

pretty fast, didn't you?

Not to mention dried figs?

Dried figs.

Dried-- Rob, this is our baby, and that's all there is to it.

Honey, he doesn't even look like us.

Rob.

You see.

All I see is our baby with a blue foot.

What is that, Rob?

Ink.

How did it get there?

Jerry and I put it on.

Why?

Just running a series of tests.

Rob, there are no series of tests

in the world that are going to convince me

that is not our baby.

Oh, honey, I don't blame you.

You can't face the facts.

Poor kid.

Oh, Rob!

Well, honey, that's probably the Peters now.

Brace yourself.

Rob, nobody is taking this baby, do you hear me?

Nobody!

Laura, I think it'd be better if you went to your room.

I can handle this.

I am staying right here.

MR. PETERS: Hi.

We're Mr. And Mrs. Peters.

Come in.

I believe we have your Aunt Bertha's figs,

and you have d*ck and Betty's flowers.

Mrs. Peters, won't you come in?

Oh my goodness.

Come and sit down.

Thank you, I'm still a little wobbly.

Me too, although not quite as wobbly as my husband.

I know I shouldn't be out already,

but I just couldn't miss the fun.

Well, I'm glad you're here.

Sit down.

Well.

Why didn't you tell me on the phone?

And miss the expression on your face?

Did I give you a good one?

Beautiful.

Well, you're going to have to excuse me.

I just haven't been myself lately.

We just had a baby.

Oh, you had one, too.

That's right.

We both had babies.

Oh, you want to see the one that we almost pawned off on you?

It's ours.

Hey, that is a beautiful baby.

Yeah?

You know, he looks exactly like you.

You really think so?

No.

But why start him off again?

Rob, that's a fantastic story, but at least everything

turned out all right.

Well, Mel, actually things didn't turn out

quite as well as we expected.

What do you mean?

What are you talking about?

Well, you know the Peters little boy, Jimmy,

is in the same grade school as Ritchie.

Yeah.

Jimmy, top student, straight A's.

Ritchie?

I still think we got the wrong kid.

[MUSIC - END THEME, "THE d*ck

VAN d*ke SHOW"]