05x05 - No Rice at My Wedding

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Dick Van d*ke Show". Aired: October 3, 1961 – June 1, 1966.
TV classic centers on the personal and professional lives Rob Petrie, a writer on the fictional Alan Brady Show.
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05x05 - No Rice at My Wedding

Post by bunniefuu »


ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van d*ke Show."

Starring Dick Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[music playing]

You should be doing these exercises.


Because I hate them.

Boy, do I feel strong now.


Hey, look at this.

Among the guests in attendance at the opening

of the new Manhattan galleries were a prominent trial lawyer

Clark Rice and his wife.

Clark Rice.

Is that your Clark Rice?

Oh Rob, come on.

He wasn't my Clark Rice.

Well, he sure wasn't my Clark Rice.

Well all right then, he was our Clark Rice.

Look, there's a picture of him here.

Well, there he is, old Clark Rice.

Yeah, that's him.

There he is.

ROB (VOICEOVER): Clark Rice, huh.

I still go boing when I think of him, but I'm improving.

I used to go boing!

LAURA (VOICEOVER): I'll bet Rob's still jealous.

I hope so.

A little jealousy is very healthy in a husband.

ROB (VOICEOVER): Oh, I should be ashamed for still letting Clark

make me go boing, but I guess you

don't forget the guy who almost won your wife in a raffle.

[music playing]

Looks a little heavier.


Clark Rice.

Oh, well maybe it's the photograph.

Or his fat.

ROB (VOICEOVER): Who, she says.

She knew I was talking about Clark.

LAURA (VOICEOVER): I didn't fool him with that, who.

It was one of my worst who's.

ROB (VOICEOVER): I bet Laura still thinks

about him once in a while.

Clark Rice, boy that sun-of-a-g*n.

If things had gone differently he'd

be sleeping in this bed, married to that bed,

and I was responsible.

Boy, Rob, you're some balloon blower.

Yeah, think I lost my lip.

Why don't you take a break and hang up the poster?

Oh come on, Rob.

Look, you should be happy Laura was elected Bivouac Baby.

It's an honor.

You call that an honor!

Va, va, Vavoom.

What a shape.

Come on, Sam.

You don't have to stare.

Now look pal, your raffling her off right?


So I might be the winner.

Sam, you're my friend!

Right Rob, to the end.

But if I win her, that's the end.

Uh, I think we ought to cover her up a little bit.

With the KP rosters?

Well, it's one way to get the guys to look

at them once in a while.

Look Rob, if this is gonna bother you this much just tell

Laura to give up the title.

Well, it wouldn't be fair Sam.

She was a candidate for that thing

long before we started going together.

- Oh. - Hi.

Oh hi, Laura.

You got through with the rehearsal early, huh?

Yeah, they gave me some extra time to get ready for tonight.

Hi, Sam. - Hi, Laura.

How's Vera?

Too tall.


Hey Laura, I'm going to be your honor guard tonight

so maybe I should go shower or something, right.

See you later, Bivouac Baby.

Well, tonight's the big night.


Rob, are you upset about this whole thing?


Well then, how come those papers are pinned on my legs?


No, I--


A little psychological warfare there.


No I, Sam was kidding around, that's all.


Bivouac Baby, what a stupid title that is.

Well, you thought it up.

Yeah, but who knew you were going to be it.

Hey honey, when it comes time to meet my parents

don't tell him you were ever a Bivouac Baby, will you.

OK, if you promise never to tell mine.

You got a deal.


Well, I, I guess I'd better go.

Oh yeah, I guess you better.

Get all ready for the night.


Well, I'll see you there anyway.

OK. Laura?


Look, don't get too fixed up tonight.

Leave the powder off or something, you know.

Eye makeup.


Mess your hair all up and wear sneakers.

How about combat boots?

Yeah, that'd be good.

How about a kiss?

Hey, how about a late date.

Well, you already arranged one for me.


Darn it, I wanted to go to our spot.

Our spot?

We don't have a spot.

Well, I haven't got anything to do.

I'll go find one.


Then you're not upset about tonight?

No, honest.

Not a bit.

Well, if you are just, you know, a little bit,

just remember that all the time I'm out with him

I'll be thinking of you.

Ah, that's sweet.

And all the time you're out with him I'll be thinking of me too.


Oh, yeah.

OK, I'll see you tonight. - Bye.


OK, g*ng, here it is, that moment in the evening most

of us have been looking forward to,

the drawing for the winner of the date with the Bivouac Baby.

I bet you haven't been looking forward to it, Rob.

OK, here she is now.

The queen of Camp Crowder, the Bivouac Baby, Laura Meehan.



Oh, uh, I think they want an acceptance speech.

Well, uh, I want to thank all of Camp Crowder

for electing me, and it's a great honor

and I hope I'll always be worthy of the title of Bivouac Baby.

Thank you.

Incidentally, the, uh, rules of the contest

have been changed.

The two armed guards will go along on the date.


So don't become a mob.

I'm kidding there.

OK, now Miss Bi-, uh, Laura will pick the, uh, pick the winning

card out of the bowl now.

Let's have a drum roll there.

[burlesque drums]

All right, knock it off [inaudible]..

Let's have a drum roll in a military manner, please.

[drum roll]

And the winner is Corporal Clark Rice.


Clark Rice.

HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

OK, let's have a hand for the winner.

Oh, look at our [inaudible] here.

What a worthy winner.

Let's have a real big hand for him, huh.

So you're Clark Rice, huh?

No, I'm Humphrey Dundee.


th, anti-aircraft.

You see, Rice said that, uh, I should

come up if his name was called.

He's on guard duty, but he'll be off at : .

Well, well look, it's : right now.

I'm afraid according to the rules,

the contest is null and void.

The prize that would have gone to Corporal Clark Rice

goes to the MC.



There's Clark Rice!

Clark, you won!

Hey, I won? HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah.

No kidding. HUMPHREY: Yeah, come on up here.



How are you?

I, uh, sorry I'm late.

Well that's O-- that's OK.

Uh, you're Clark Rice, huh?

I sure am.

Are you, I'm, you sure.

I'm, I'm sure I'm sure.

I'm sure.


Well, uh, Corporal Rice, here's your prizes over here.

Uh, this here's a free dinner at Lee Wong's Chinese restaurant

and then here's a corsage for your date

and then here's $ in cash for the--

bucks, hey.

And a little warning from the MC.

Watch it!

I'll be watching.

Well, uh, now, uh, the MC is gonna kiss

the Bivouac Beauty real quick.

Hey, they never did that before.

Progress, buddy, progress.

And don't let anybody interfere.

Go ahead, Rob, get a good one.

He's kind of good looking.

Look, It's only one date.

- Yeah. - Shall we?

Excuse us. - Yeah, congratulations.


Thank you very much.

[music playing]

Well, wasn't the general furious?

Not after they got that t*nk out of his office.

Oh, my.

You know Clark, I really wasn't looking

forward to tonight at all, but I had the best time.

Thank you.

Oh, and thank you for the prizes.

Don't thank me.

You sh*t them down.

I'm scared of g*n.

Well, good night.

Oh, no.

You still owe me a dance.

What dance?

The one we were in the middle of when the won-ton soup came.


Well Clark, we have a rule.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

I'm not leaving until I get my dance.

Well, I know it's silly but the rules are,

no men allowed in the USO girls' sitting room after midnight.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Wouldn't want to break the rules.

Now we have time.

Uh, shall we?


[humming a song]

Um, Clark?


I, uh, have a boyfriend.

Yeah, I know.

Petrie, that's skinny MC.

Well, no he's not skinny, he's wiry.


If you were my girl, uh, I would have made

you pull out of the contest.

Oh well, you see, the contest was set before Rob

and I started going together, so.

Uh, actually how much together are you going?

Well, Rob and I met and--

well, of course you have to meet.

And we, uh, well maybe he should have stopped this date,

but Rob isn't the pushy type, so.

- Am, am I? - Oh.

Oh, no.

No, I certainly didn't mean that.

It just-- well you and Rob are two different people.

You know, one thing I learned in law

school is never to make a decision

until you have all the evidence.

You need more evidence.

Evidence for what?

For my case.

Uh, you know the, uh, fortune cookie tonight said,

a new person is coming into your life.

Pay attention to him.

Yeah, but you made me go through of them

before we found one that said that.

But we found it.


Laura, may I see you again?

Well, uh, gee.

Clark, I don't know.

You're not sure.

Kind of confused.

- Well, yeah. - Well, that's wonderful.

If you're mixed up that means you'll see me again.

Well no, I didn't say that.

Laura is it fair to go on and maybe marry this Petrie guy

and wonder for the rest of your life if he's the right one?

Well no, I didn't say anything about marrying anybody.

Well, that's great.

Then that means you're not that serious about each other.

Well, yes we are.

Well, I mean, maybe we are.

We're, you're confusing me.

Laura, I, uh, I really would like to see you again.

May I?



All right.

[clock chimes]

o'clock again.

Time sure flies when you're having fun.

Well, uh, Laura, I had a, I had a very good time.

So did I.

Uh, good night.


Uh, see you tomorrow.

Good night.


Laura, did he almost kiss you?


I almost kissed him.

Ooo, can I have Rob?

[music playing]

You're sure that's the way you want to do it though, huh?

Well Rob, I'm just not sure about anything.

I, I just think it would be a good idea

to go out with him a few more times

to see how I feel about things.

Well, you decided all this after just one date with him,


No, that's just it.

One date just didn't tell me anything.

Well Laura, I, you know how I feel about you

and I think if there's the slightest

doubt in your mind about your feelings

you should go out with him again.

Well, thank you, Rob.

I think that's a wonderful attitude.

Well, it's a wonderful attitude.

I wish I had it.

Now I'm gonna to tell you how I really feel.

You know what I really think?

The whole thing is wrong.

% wrong.

Totally, absolutely wrong.



You don't see why it's wrong?

No, I don't.

You mean you really don't see it?

No, tell me what's so wrong.

If you don't see what's wrong, my telling

you is certainly not gonna make you see what's wrong.

I'll tell you what's wrong.

The whole thing's, it's wrong.

All right, I'll explain it again.

The whole thing is wrong, and so is your clock.

Clark set it back.

Clark set it back?

Well, it was after midnight, Rob and--

He was in here after midnight?

A few minutes.

That's the wrongest thing of all, honey.

You can see what kind of a guy he is.

What kind?



Well after all, he knew exactly what

the rules to that contest were.

He was to have you back here at midnight.

I was a fool not to stop that whole Bivouac Baby

thing before it even started.

Rob, please, let's not argue any more.

Oh, there's no argument at all.

No argument.

If you want to go out with him, go out with him.

Marry him, get a couple of kids, get a dog.


Just be really sure, that's all.

But listen, I can play that little game too.

There's a couple of girls in town

that don't exactly think I'm Quasimodo, you know.

Rob, your hat.

I used to feel so sorry for those guys

in the barracks that got the Dear John letters.

Rob, this isn't a Dear John letter.

No, it isn't, it's worse.

It's a Dear John conversation.

I can't even show it to the chaplain.

Oh, Rob.

I still feel just the same way about you.

You feel the same way about everybody.

I'll see you.

What about our date?

Oh, you still want to go out with me, huh?

Well, of course I do, Rob.

That's the whole idea.

I wanna go out with both of you.


Why don't we stop by and pick him up?

[music playing]

Millie, what am I gonna do?

Hey, I got it.

We're gonna solve your problem.


Practically and scientifically.

Lists always work.

We're gonna list Rob and Clark and put down

all the good and bad things about them

and score them by points.

I know it sounds a little cold.

It's silly.

Yeah, well sitting around being aggravated

for a whole week is silly.

Let's see, uh, Clark is handsome, boy that's for sure.

And Rob is cute.

Very cute.

We'll give Clark points for handsome

and Rob gets for cute.

I said very cute.

OK, we'll give him seven points.

Now let's rate them on kissing.


What's the matter?

You can't categorize intimate things.

Who says?

Boy, are you a prude.


OK, now what are their ambitions?

Oh Millie, it's so silly.

What are their ambitions?

Clark wants to be a lawyer.

Ooo, a lawyer, that's very good.

That's another points.

And Rob wants to be a comedy writer, which no one knows how

to be one so he'll be struggling and starving

and probably never make it.

So we'll give him one point.

Millie, you're pushing Clark.

I am not.

Well, the score is to in his favor.

You know, I didn't make these numbers up.

Yes, you did.

Yeah, I guess I did.

Well, they're still logical.

Millie, you can draw a heart with pencil and paper

but you can't measure one.

Ooo, that's poetic.

Rob wrote that to me in a letter once.

Let's give him another point.

Millie, this isn't gonna tell me anything.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

You'll figure it out for yourself.

I don't know how I can help you.

I can't even keep one boyfriend.

Boy, I wish I was built.

[music playing]

Oh hi, Sam.

What did I do?

Nothing, nothing.

You're just not Laura, that's all.

That's what everybody says.

Hey, come on, Rob.

Look, maybe Laura got delayed because of the rain or, uh--

Or what?

I don't know.

Come on, Sam.

You know something?

No Rob, I don't know nothing except the guys

are getting a little impatient with the pictures.

Well, where does Laura get off thinking she can hold

up the whole darn army camp?

[movie music playing]

You don't want to listen to this do you?

No, I must have seen this picture a hundred times.

The only scene I liked is where all

the prisoners bang their cups because of the rotten food.

You think that would work in our mess hall?

I don't know.

All I know is Laura is supposed to be here.

Gee, you're really letting this thing get to you.


Boy, you aren't kidding.

Last night I ran a whole reel backwards.

The first time in history of movies a guy

got up out of the electric chair.

Hey, that was a good one.

It's not really funny.

They shouldn't allow a lovesick soldier

with a loaded projector.

- Hi. - Hey, hey!

There she is.

Hi, Laura.

Hey, see you later, Rob.

I was just saving your seat.

That's a sweetheart.

Sorry, I'm late.

That's OK, Laura, gave me a little time to think

about what I gotta say to you.

Sit down, will you.

Actually, Rob, I can only stay a few minutes.

I have to see Clark.


You went out with him last night.

I know, Rob, but this is something special.

Clark's going overseas.

He is?

Yeah, and since it is his last night,

I thought I ought to see him.

Laura, I'm all through being understanding.

I don't want to compete with Clark anymore.

That's what I wanted to tell you.

It's got to be him or me.

But Rob, I have to say goodbye to him.


He gets a chance to make a great big dramatic farewell to you

and he goes flying off into the yonder

and you're still here in the same condition

you are now, undecided.

You gotta make up your mind.

Now's the time.

Rob, he's going overseas.

All right, you can tell him goodbye.

You've got exactly five minutes.

Five minutes?

That's right.

The warden is on the wall right now talking to the convicts.

Now, if you're not back by the time

the convicts grab the priest you can forget about me.

Robert Petrie!

That comes on at : .

She'll be back.

They always come back.

No, they don't.

Margie didn't.

Maybe I ought to run after.


Oh, no.

I'm not running.

She'll be back.

Millie, what are you doing here?

I forget.

Ooo, I didn't give you enough points.

Never mind.

Laura isn't here is she?

- No. - Goodbye.

Uh, goodbye.

And thanks.

[music playing]

Laura, where have you been?

You were gone so long I sent Millie to look for you.

Well, I, I went to see Rob.

What's the matter?

He gave me an ultimatum.

He told me to say goodbye to you and be back by : .

It's : now.

I couldn't get back even if I wanted to.

You don't want to, do you?

Of course not.

Rob Petrie can't give me ultimatums.

CLARK: Laura--



What are you doing here?

Well, Rice here is going overseas.

It was unfair of me to give you five minutes to say goodbye.

Well, that's nice of you Petrie.

I'll give you till the time Big Al gives the priest back

to the governor.

That's minutes from when I left or, or four

minutes from right now.

I gotta get back.

What was that all about?

Oh, just more of Rob's--

Clark, let's go somewhere and find a place

where there's a lot of loud music--

- Laura. - --and fun.

Lots of fun. - Laura, sit down.

No, I want to, Clark.

Look, I don't want to be used to spite someone else.

That's what you're doing isn't it?

No, it isn't.

Then why the sniffles?

It's the rain.

You sure it's not Petrie?

Well, what's the difference?

Rain, Rob, they're both big drips.

That was a pretty crazy thing he did, running in here

and spouting off about the governor.

What's with that guy?

I don't know.

I don't know and I don't care.

I never could figure him out.

Sometimes he seems so, and then the other

times he just doesn't.

Once he even, and for no reason, and what was I doing.

Did I ever tell you he broke my foot?

Well, he did.

He broke my foot.

You see, Rob's the kind of a guy who, I mean,

I always felt that if I ever, he'd

be the last because well, you, you're so,

and, but I don't know why, Clark.

I do though.

I really do.

He's just so ador-, so ador--


You see it too, don't you.

You're in love with Petrie.

Oh, thank you, Clark.

Don't thank me.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, so am I, Laura.

You know if you, uh, set the hands on your watch

back you could pretend to get to Rob on time.

Thank you.

Oh, and if any new evidence comes up I'll be waiting.


Boy, she better marry somebody before I get into trouble.

MAN (VOICEOVER ON TV): Men, this the governor speaking.

Release Father Quinn and I promise you'll get better food.


You want us, you got to come and get us.

MAN (VOICEOVER ON TV): All right, gentlemen, open f*re.


[music playing]

What were you thinking?

Oh, nothing special.

How about you?


Good night, sweetheart.


Did you set the alarm, Clark?


Honey, did you just say--

Clock, I said clock.

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