08x03 - Roseanne in the Hood

[bunniefuu]

( harmonica wails )

Mrs. Conner,
have you seen
this book?

This is everything
you need to know
about your baby.

I don't need a book,
I watch kathy lee.

All I want is a book
that'll teach my kid

To kick her cody's ass.

Don't make fun of it.
There's a lot of really
useful information in here.

Okay, yeah.
Here, let me pick out a page.
I'll point to something,

Ask me a question
and see if I don't
already know it.

- oh.
- what? Say it.

Well...

Are you preparing
for lactation

By toughening
your nipples?

Yes, I am.

I'm using them
to grate cheese.

Roseanne,
there's something
I need to tell you,

But before I do,
I just want you
to bear in mind

That calmer heads
will prevail.

- what is it?
- the diner's going down.

We are going out of business.
We're going to lose everything--

All of our money,
our future-- we're dead.

We are dead.
We are dead.

That restaurant
across the street
is opening tomorrow,

And i'm telling you,
I peeked in the window today,
it is spectacular.

The competition
is going to k*ll us.

Oh, come on,
every time somebody
takes over that restaurant

It's more pathetic.

Remember when it was
"french ed's"?

Roseanne...

Take a look
at this ad.

These people
have money.

Wow, a full page?

This looks like
a really nice place.

Mrs. Conner,
you should put
an ad in the paper.

Save the advice, David,
and just keep sitting there

And trying to grow
that chia goatee.

Roseanne,
I am really worried.

Don't worry
about the restaurant.
We're gonna be fine.

What if we're not?
Then what are we
gonna do?

Then we'll just
dust off the old g-string

And tap dance our way
back into america's heart.

Now that's
a grand opening.
Look at that crowd.

I think you guys
are forgetting

That our grand opening
was pretty cool too.

Guessing how many beans
were in d.J.'s nose?

It was only
disgusting.

Hey, people
could not believe

That he could
get in there.

That saved us
a chevy cavalier.

Okay, now who's that
over there signing
autographs?

- is that some celebrity?
- oh my god, oh my god,

Oh my-- oh my--
that is-- that's...

Tv's schneider
from "one day at a time."

With the jeans,
the tool belt,

The rolled-up
sleeves--

It all still
works for him.

- i'm back from
across the street.
- good. Give us the report.

Okay, you're not
gonna believe this.

Did you know
that schneider directed

The series finale
of "one day at a time"?

Remember that scene
when julie tells barbara

She'll always
be there for her?

I cried.

Nancy, you were
sent over there to spy,

And apparently
your cover as a moron

Was flawless.

But what was really cool
was I thought the guy was dead,
but he wasn't.

Anyway...

The restaurant
is really nice.

They stay open
till midnight,

And they have
a really great salad bar.

A salad bar?
( chuckles )

Obviously they're
not from around here.

This is a loose meat
kind of a town.

We are not some
california tofu-eating

Nordictracking freaks
that wanna live past .

They also have
a clean kitchen,

Napkins on the table,

And this weird sign
in the bathroom that says,

"all employees
must wash their hands."

I'm not making this up.

I bet they don't
reuse their straws.

I am telling you...

This is not another
french ed's.

These people
have it together.

Wake up!

We do not have to worry
about losing our customers.

Our customers
have to come back.

They need the salt.

I brought
a sample of the food.

Schneider was
giving this away.

God, he is so nice.

They call this
their western skillet
sandwich.

Uh-oh.

Western skillet
sandwich, my ass.

That is loose meat.

Those bastards
stole our sandwich.

( spits )
god, it's delicious.

And I heard
people saying

Theirs was
less greasy than ours.

Oh. Well good,
then we don't have
anything to worry about.

No, they like it
that way.

They think
less grease is better.

What?

Why?

Oh my god,
that's schneider.

Don't be taken in
by the hollywood
glitz, Jackie.

What do you want,
glamour boy?

Just a cup of coffee,
lovely lady.

I'm trying to get away
from the maddening crowd.
You're open, right?

Look, schneider...

Under different
circumstances,

You and I, well, we might
have been friends.

But you're
with the enemy now,

And i'm gonna have
to ask you to leave,

As much as I have
enjoyed your performances

On television,
and probably film.

- just wanted a cup of coffee.
- and you probably wanted
to get it for free,

Just because you're
some big celebrity, right?

Well, let me tell you
something, pal,

This is not
wolfman puck's.

This is
the Lanford lunch box

And hollywood types
are not welcome here.

Not you, not streisand,

Not even
the great don knotts.

I don't have
to take this.

I've got
"hollywood squares."

Roseanne...

You realize
what you just did?

You just
kicked out schneider.

Do you think I don't know
what I did, Jackie?

Do you think
that doesn't k*ll me?

Do you think that doesn't
tear my heart out?

But, a w*r was
started here today,

And we didn't
fire the first sh*t.

This is so good.

Mrs. Conner, I know
you want to compete
with that restaurant,

But you can't just have me
draw little red hearts

Next to the chili
cheese fries and call it
the light-and-healthy menu.

You're right, so why not
draw a picture

Of a cancer-riddled colon?
That'll draw 'em in.

Who's the strange
yet voluptuous woman
hanging out in my kitchen?

Hi, Dan.

Oddly,
she knows my name.

I know, i'm sorry.
I've been spending
a lot of time at the diner,

But i'm gonna
make it up to you.

( kisses, blows )
there, done.

Reenergized by
his wife's affection,
the husband goes out

To once again confront
a hostile world.

Okay, mom, i'm ready
to go kick butt at the
other people's restaurant.

Is it really
run by nazis?

Yes, son, it is.

And if it wasn't for them,

That whole lot would be
a baseball field

For kids like you.

You know your line?

"no, there's glass
in the salad.

Now don't use any more
of those blood capsules,

Or you'll have
to bite down on real glass.

Okay.

Roseanne, he's only .

That's the beauty of it.
He can't do time.

And look, that restaurant
doesn't know it yet,

But they are about to start
on a brand-new campaign.

"will cook any pet."

I'm guessing you drew
the little puppies
and kittens, David.

( chuckles )
it's cute the way
you made them dance.

They're in a frying pan.

Roseanne, look,
i'll make a deal
with you.

If you calm down until
after the baby's born,

I'll let you sh**t out
tires from the porch.

Oh, poor Dan.

You feel like
i'm neglecting you.

Sort of.

Well...

I didn't forget
about your dinner, okay?

I brought you a whole bunch
of sandwiches from the diner,

And guess what,
they're healthy now.

Show him
the menu, David.

Why don't I just get a job
with the tobacco lobby?

Okay, Dan, here you go.
Eat up.

'cause you didn't
come by for lunch today,
so you must be starving.

Actually, i'm still
kind of full from breakfast.

Yeah, how could that be?

You only had
a handful of franken berry
and a kraft single.

I got something
from the vending machines
at work.

Man, them
peanut-butter-and-cr*cker
things are filling.

I ate them all day long.
( blows )

All day, huh?

Say, what number
would those be on
the vending machine?

I guess... B ?

That's wrong.
That's the clark bar.

Try again.

- j .
- the o'henry.
Any idiot knows that.

You ate at that restaurant,
didn't you?

Roseanne, I would never.

The reason I didn't
come into the diner today
was because--

Well, it's just--

I'm having an affair.

Liar. You ate
at that restaurant.

No, I swear, it's true.
Look, lipstick on my collar.

That's ketchup.

All right, all right.

I had lunch there.

But it was just one time
and it didn't mean
anything to me.

I swear.

You're gonna make this
up to me, Dan conner.

You and all your buddies
from that garage

Are going over
to that restaurant,
you're sitting by the salad bar

And you're
gonna french kiss
all through lunch.

If you want to compete
with these people,

Why don't you
just offer good food
at reasonable prices?

What, and stoop
to their level?
Never.

You need professional help
that I just can't afford.

You know, they can
come after me,

And they can come
after my business,

But, by god, when they
come after my family,

That is personal.

Damn, that looks good.

Everybody, come on.
Let's try to get our
second wind,

So we can get ready
for the midnight rush.

The only rush
we're gonna get
at midnight

Is if we all stand up
really fast.

Hey, i'm not finished.

Oh, sorry.

You know,
this is ridiculous.

There is no reason for us
to be here this late.

Yes, there is-- them.

If they stay open
till midnight, we will
stay open till : .

If they put one of our men
in the hospital,

We'll put one of theirs
in the morgue.

Hey, what happened
to the coffee?

( laughs hysterically )
what are you yelling at me for?

You know, yeah,
I had a little coffee.

What's it to ya?

A person's working late,
she needs a little boost.

You know, get off my back.

You know, Roseanne, we are
not in competition with them.

Our chief rivals
are the dumpsters
behind mcdonald's

And tommy's house
of organ meat.

I mean, not only do they have
a drive-through window,

But they also
have that salad bar,

For god's sakes.

Nobody is going to even
remember their salad bar

When they find out
about our waffle bar.

Roseanne, normal people

Don't want a waffle bar.

Normal people
are appalled

At the idea
of a waffle bar.

Why? We've got
the good waffles.

We've got eggos.

Anyway, at least I came
through with something.

What happened to
the celebrity you promised me?
Where's burt reynolds?

Doing "man of la mancha"
in green bay.

But i'm pretty sure
I can get keanu reeves.

Oh, how do you know
keanu reeves?

Not important.

Okay, all right,
the fat guy with
the dog just left,

So that means they're
down to two customers.
We've got three,

So we win, we win!

No, you can't go.
Please, sir, you can't go.

Have you tried
our new waffle bar?

I don't want
your stupid waffles.

I'm going across the street.
They got cappuccino over there.

Well, great. Why don't you
just go ahead and walk
right over there,

You big bald-headed
coffee-drinking queen?

Sit!

Okay, that's it.
Good night.

I'm not sticking around
for just two customers.

If you need me,
here's my pager.

The number's
right on the side.

They're staying open
for two customers.

No no no no no.
They are staying open

For their drive-through
window business.

We don't have
a drive-through window.

I realize that,

But we have a waffle bar.

But they have
a drive-through window.

But we have
the reputation

In this town.

Right, as the place

Without
a drive-through window.

Fine, Leon, you want
a drive-through window,

I'll give you
a drive-through window.

Next!

Don't you think
you've carried this
competition thing

A little too far?
Can't we just go home?

No, I mean,
call me old fashioned,

But I do believe
in standing up
for what's right.

That's the american way.
That's why we're breaking in
here tonight.

I am an ex-cop.

I swore
to uphold the law.

Well, you also swore
to stay married
to Fred.

Face it, you're evil.
Let's milk it.

Oh, Roseanne,
look at this place.
We're finished.

Look at this.

"no shoes,
no shirts:

No service."

Well, la-di-da.

Clean and sparkly,

And it smells
so lemony.

And what goes better
with lemons

Than fish?

Rotting smelling fish.

I can't believe
the grocery store was
gonna throw those out.

( groaning )
ew!

Ew!

Here, Jackie,
think fast.

Oh-oh-oh, Roseanne.

Hey, there's that
damn salad bar.

What's that you say,
little fella?

You wanna be in a spot close
to the anchovies?

Now go,

- be with your people.
- ( ice rattling )

Come on, let's go
in the kitchen.

Oh, it's so clean.

Yeah, forget county hospital,
i'm having the baby here.

Well,
let's get started.

First, a little
mood lighting.

Roseanne.

Hey.

Oh, I found
the perfect spot.

No, don't don't.
No, you're gonna
hurt yourself.

Come on, Jackie.
It's not like this
is the first time

I've ever done
anything like this.

I just need
to reach up here

To this...

Oh, oh my god.

- oh my god.
- what?

- oh my god.
- what?

- oh my god!
- what what?

- oh my god!
- what what?

I'm stuck!

- you're stuck?
- yeah.

- get me out of here.
- don't don't don't.

Just-- just calm--
just relax.

Now just go limp

And then you'll slide
right out of there.

( both scream )

How did you get stuck?

By my boobs.
They folded down
on the way up,

But then they locked
like those toggle bolts.

All right, all right,
this is the plan:

I am gonna
flee the scene.
You fend for yourself.

- don't.
- you're not
going anywhere.

You'd better pray my water
doesn't break.

I will--
i'll get you out.

I will get you out.

Just-- I know.

I'll turn on the stove
and then the metal
in the vent will expand.

- i'm standing
on the stove!
- oh, yeah.

It's amazing to have
your head stuck in a vent

And still not be
the stupidest person
in the room.

Okay, i've...
I have an idea.

I'm gonna use this crisco
to grease you out
of the chimney.

Did you hear
what I just said?

I'm going to use
this crisco

To grease you out
of the chimney.

Roseanne, we should
just face it--

This place is
gonna b*at us.

- we should just give up.
- no, we're not giving up.

- Roseanne.
- i'm not giving up.

I've been through
this once already.
Remember that motorcycle shop?

- i'm not gonna let that
happen with the diner.
- Roseanne.

Stop petting me.
You're making me
feel self-conscious.

Okay, i'm gonna...

I'm gonna
lube you up now.

And...

And then i'm gonna try
and pull you out...

On the count
of three, okay?

- are you ready?
- yeah.

All right.
One,

Two,

- three.
- ( screams )

Jeez, half of illinois
probably thought

They were hearing
an air raid.

You should have
heard it in here.

That's it.
That is it.

I'm gonna call Dan.

You need somebody
with a tool belt

And it's either gotta
be him or schneider.

Oh, man, dan's been
accusing me of being
nuts all week

And this is just the sort
of thing he'll twist
to fit his argument.

Hey, what's that
looking at me?

Shoo shoo!

You're not getting
this fish.

( theme music playing )

I'm sorry about
the whole restaurant bit.
I lost my mind, I guess.

It's just I really care
about this restaurant.

I don't wanna
see it go down.
I don't know.

I'm staring
to go crazy, aren't I?

Sometimes I think, like,
the whole world is doing

This great big
choreographed dance
around me

And i'm just standing
there watching it.

We'll be okay.
And nobody's doing

A big choreographed dance
around you, all right?

( cash register
tape rolling )

( tapping melodic tune )

What was that?

Never mind.

( theme music playing )