08x05 - Halloween: the Final Chapter

[bunniefuu]

( harmonica wails )

The Conners'
annual seance

To reach the spirit world
is about to begin.

Eeny meeny
chili beanie,

The spirits are
about to speak.

Hey, the table's
taking off!

Mark, Mark, relax.
Mr. Conner is doing it.
He does it every year.

Spirits, speak.
Now is the time.

It's getting hard
to make things rhyme.

If it does not fit,
you must acquit.

♪ well, since
my baby left me ♪

♪ i've found
a new place to dwell ♪

- ♪ it's down at the end
of lonely street... ♪
- Roseanne: elvis!

♪ ...At heartbreak hotel. ♪
thank you very much.

Now i'd like to
do one for my mama.

Elvis?
Elvis?

Yeah?

Lisa marie married
michael jackson.

But now we must make
an offering to the spirits.

Mrs. Conner, you're
not gonna open those
eggs, are you?

Yeah, honey,
they've been sitting there
for like seven years.

It must be done,
I cannot stop,

I'm being controlled
from the other side.

Ugh!

You know what?

Holidays here
are just wrong.

Hey, D.J.,

You stay on lighted streets
and be home by : .

Hi.

( theme music
playing )

( laughs )

( cackling )

Greetings, it is I,
the wicked witch of
the midwest.

Oh yeah?

Well, I am Sofia,
queen of the gypsies,

Consort of wizards,

Seer of souls.

But I can fly on a broom
and I can turn children
into stone

And I can put
a spell on you.

No one can put
a spell on sofia,

I'm wearing my
anti-spell repellent.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Well, I know
what beats witch!

- i'm melting.
- ( mimics water spraying )

I'm melting.

But you have
underestimated my arsenal.

I will select the...

Cheese ray!

Too bad for you I have
a cheese-ray deflector!

Drat!

Enough of this
childish nonsense.

Arm yourself.

En garde!

Join me and rule with me
on the dark side, luke.

Never!

( both mimicking
lightsabers )

Ah! Ha!

( laughing )

Ah!

( screams )

( yelling )

Remember me, Jackie?

Not Mrs. Butterworth?

Remember how when you
were a little girl,

Your sister Roseanne
told you how I came to life

- at night in the cupboard?
- don't do it.

Roseanne,
don't do it.

- remember how I used to...
- stop it.

...Chase you around even
though I have no legs?

Stop it, Roseanne,
stop it.

Well, i'm back and all
I want is one more
little sticky kiss.

( screaming )

( organ playing )

Bow down, all of you.

Bow down to the
power of the ouija.

Focus all energy
on this magical conduit,

Its board derived
from ancient goatskin
stretched taut

In the
mesopotamian sun,

Its pointer
hewn from diamonds.

It says "made by
parker brothers."

All hail
brothers parker!

All hail
brothers parker!

All right, that's it.
I mean this is stupid.

Seances,
the ouija board--

I mean,
what's the point?

The point?

The point is that
on this one special night

- of the year...
- ( humming )

...The veil is lifted
between the living

And the dead.

- and only
on this one night...
- ( Dan imitates wind )

...Can we contact those
in the other world

And summon them here.

( howling )

- ( Roseanne laughing )
- i've got homework!

( doorbell rings )

Kids:
♪ trick or treat,
smell my feet ♪

♪ give me something
good to eat. ♪

Hi. Oh my god.

This house is
so warm and cozy!

I love it.

Oh, thank you so much.
You are nice nice nice.

Hey, this is like
deja vu all over again.

Bye-bye.

Both:
bye, happy Halloween.

Bye.

Gee, I wish we had
a daughter that sweet.

Just wasn't
in the cards, honey.

Look at this.
This is all pure sugar.

Nuh-uh, there's chemicals
in there too.

Keeps it nice
and fresh.

It's disgusting.

Come on, we should
be giving children
what their bodies need.

Here.
They need this.

- what the hell is that?
- Dan: wait a minute, honey.

I've seen this
before.

It-- it's food that
doesn't come in wrappers.

- that's unsanitary.
- ( doorbell rings )

All:
trick or treat.

Hey, guys.
Now who wants the plum?

Here.

Apple for you.

And a nectarine,
okay.

Happy Halloween,
you guys.

David? David,
you want to close
that door real fast.

Why?

- Dan: stupid.
( blows raspberry )
- ( doorbell rings )

Halloween rush hour!

Oh, what a cute
little hot dog.

Hold on, lady.
Sign this.

"candy provider
is fully liable
for any dental damage

Caused by aforementioned
confections."

I'm not signing that.

I'm gonna sue you so
fast that you're gonna
need johnny... Cockson

To...

Hold on, lady!
Sign-- whoops.

Sign this.

I'm gonna sue you so
fast that you're gonna
need johnny cochran to...

That's the scariest
costume all night.

( doorbell rings )

Who are you
supposed to be?

Who am I?

I'm Ed mcmahon.

You won our special
Halloween jackpot.

Okay.

What is a refrigerator,
a poolside dressing room

And Ed mcmahon?

"a refrigerator,
a poolside dressing room

And Ed mcmahon?"

What is an amana,
a cabana and a famous
second banana?

( doorbell rings )

- ( screams )
- what is it?

It's hideous.
It's so scary.

( both scream )

- very funny, everyone.
- ( doorbell rings )

I'm surprised
all that screaming

Didn't scare off
this gale of children
coming up after me.

Hey, you've got
a whole gaggle out there?

David, come on,
it's showtime.

Oh goodie!
I'm just in time
for the fun and frolic.

What's the trick?
What's the trick?

Don't ask.
Just let the fun
carry you away.

Oh.

This is just
like mummenschanz!

( Dan chuckles )

Kids: wow!

Awesome, cool!

- that's awesome.
- wow!

- awesome.
- that's cool!

Wow!

Cool!

Bev:
oh what fun!
I'm wearing black.

Let me try!

( makes eerie sounds )

( kids all laughing )

( Dan laughing )

Bev:
oh what silly fun!

But why did
all those children
run away so quickly?

Oh, i'm guessing
you took

Their sears
catalogue experience
to the next level.

Want a soda?

Okay! But make
mine sprite

Because that's
what I am!

Cool. Alone at last.

Just you, me
and the spirits
of the netherworld.

Two people unafraid
to discover the
hidden answers

To the world's most
terrifying questions.

Let's ask it something
very important.

Oh, spirits...

Roseanne, don't move it.
You haven't even asked
it a question yet.

- i'm not moving it.
- i'm not moving it.

Roseanne:
oh my god.
It's going by itself.

"t-h...

E-d." "thed."

What's "thed"?

Wait, there's more.
T-h-e-d...

E-a-d.

It stopped.
( gasps )

"thede ad."

It's telling us
"thede ad"!

No no, it's spelling
"the dead."

( gasps )

Oh, dead-- if it's
okay to call you that--

Speak to us, tell us
your message.

Ask it a question.

Okay.

Um...

When am I gonna
have my baby?

N...

O...

Jackie:
November!

W!

Now-vember.
You're having it
in now-vember.

No, Jackie, no.

I'm-- i'm having it...
Now!

( monitor beeping )

Hmm, looks like
this baby's in a hurry.

You're already at cm.

Whoa!
What's going on here?

It's just
a skeleton costume.

We're having a little
Halloween party for some
of the patients.

This is the problem
with hmos,

You can never pick
your own doctor.

( sighs )

Oh my god,
it's a turtle.

Just focus
on your breathing.

Roseanne's voice:
okay, focus.

( exhales )

It's just
a Halloween party.

It's just
a Halloween party.

Hey.

You must have won
best costume.

She must be hallucinating
from the demerol.

Roseanne's voice:
that's it.

I'm hallucinating
or something.

A human doctor...

Oh relax, lady.
I'm a bear.

I just dress
like a human
for Halloween.

All right, people,
let's go!

Masks, gloves,
shin guards.

Okay, lady.
Hum it in here, baby.

Roseanne's voice:
come on, I can do
better than this.

I've had better
hallucinations after
too much m.S.G.

Don't even
think about doing the
disappearing-quarter bit.

Ow.

Okay, concentrate.

Breathe.

What am I supposed
to do now?

Oh. Oh yeah.
Focus on my happy place.

Where's my happy place?

My happiest place...

My happiest place.

Halloween.

( deep raspy voice )
welcome to the tunnel
of terror.

( laughs )

Please, join us.

Good evening.
I'm et cetera,

Your tour guide through
the tunnel of terror.

This is
the master's laboratory,

Where he does
his research.

Ah! There's
the master now

Or is that just one
of his experiments?

Got an aspirin?

I've got a splitting
headache! Ah!

- ( kids scream )
- run!

I wouldn't go too near
the chef if I was you.

- you might end up being
the main course!
- ( yelling )

Would you like to try
some of our delicious

- intestinal stew?
- down!

Down!
Let go! Let go!

Follow me!

♪ da-da da-da
da da! ♪

♪ well, I come
from six feet under ♪

♪ with a dead guy
on my knee ♪

♪ i'm heading down
to hades ♪

♪ for to spend
eternity ♪

♪ hey there, dead guy,
I think it's plain to see ♪

♪ we bought a cardboard
casket and the worms
have eaten me. ♪

Darlene, you're not
even ready.

We're gonna be
leaving any minute.

I don't feel
so good.

- well, what's wrong?
- it's my stomach.

Oh, oh my god!
No! Ah!

( imitates baby crying )

So what, do you want
some pepto-bismol
or something?

Has anybody
got a light?

So, uh,
this the whole thing?

This is what
we've been waiting for?

Oh no, Dan, no.

This is what
you've been waiting for.

( fire alarm ringing )

( all scream )

Happy Halloween!

( laughing )

Well, old danny boy's
not falling for the old
Fred-is-gay prank.

You did a lot better
when you got that doctor

To tell your mom she only
had a week to live.

Dan, that is not
my prank

Because this
is my prank.

Wow, good prank,
Roseanne.

Mrs. Conner,
can I get down now?
I can't feel my toes.

Oh my god!

Go away! Go away!

Leave us alone.
We are as god made us.

Okay, I propose
a toast to the all-time
greatest prank

In the history
of the universe.

I'm just so ashamed.
I have nothing to
top that with.

Oh, except...

For...

Roseanne's voice:
skeletons, roses
and bears,

Oh my.

The ouija board
wasn't sending me
a message from the dead.

It was sending me
a message from...

Hello, Roseanne.

"the dead."

I get it now.

It's jerry garcia.

That's right,
Roseanne.

I'm glad you're here.
I was really sad
when you d*ed.

No need to be sad.

Up here in the clouds,
well...

It's even better
than the clouds at home
over my audience.

Why'd you come here?

I have a message
for you.

From god?

No, from me.

Oh. Well,
that's okay too.

The message is:

What we need is magic
and bliss

And myth and celebration
and religion.

We need
spiritual connection
to each other.

Well,

That's great.
Thanks, jerry.

Bye, Roseanne.

See you later.
I mean, a lot later,
I hope.

Oh wait, one more thing.

Why do I have
this -lb baby?

You're still dreaming,
Roseanne.

But hey,
go with it.

( "my sisters
and brothers" playing )

♪ I want to say to
my sisters and my brothers ♪

♪ keep the faith ♪

♪ when the storm flies
and the wind blows ♪

♪ go on
at a steady pace ♪

♪ when the battle is fought
and the victory is won ♪

♪ we can all shout together,
"we have overcome" ♪

♪ we'll talk
to the father ♪

♪ and the son ♪

♪ when we make it
to the promised land ♪

♪ when we walk together
little children ♪

♪ we don't ever
have to worry ♪

♪ through this world
of trouble ♪

♪ we've got to
love one another ♪

♪ then let's take
our fellow man ♪

♪ by the hand ♪

♪ try to help him
to understand ♪

♪ we can all
be together... ♪

- Dan?
- you okay, honey?

You were out of it there
for a while, Rosie,

But you did real good.

Oh, he's gorgeous.

Hello there.
I'm your mommy

And I love you.

I didn't call you
any horrible names
back there, did I?

No more
than usual.

Cool.

You know what, Dan?

I want to name him
jerry garcia conner.

- ( baby coos )
- cool.

♪ ...Our bible reads ♪

♪ "thou shall not
be afraid ♪

♪ of the terror
by night ♪

♪ nor the arrow
that flies by day ♪

♪ nor for
the pestilence ♪

♪ that walketh
in the darkness ♪

♪ nor for
the destruction ♪

♪ that waiteth
in the noonday hour." ♪

Well, thank you
very much for coming
to the show tonight.

Anybody have
any questions?

I have a question,
Roseanne.

What the hell was
this episode about?

Who are you?
You look familiar.

I'm one
of the writers.

Not anymore.
Get out.

Well, it was
a mixture of traditional
Halloween legend,

The music and message
of the late ' s

And jungian symbolism.

Next question.

Yes?

- hi, Roseanne.
- hi.

I thought your character
was gonna have a girl?

Well, as it turns out,
the amnio was wrong,

And, uh...

The kid we got
works for nothing.

Okay.

You know, I became
pregnant on the show
long before I became--

Well, about
three months earlier

Than I became pregnant
in real life,

So we said "girl"
before we knew,

And I decided I was gonna
keep it exactly how it is
in my family.

Yes?

Roseanne, would you
do the Tarzan yell?

( all laugh )

I think I did
when I sang the anthem,

- but...
- ( all laughing )

Yeah, i'll try to
do the Tarzan yell.

( audience applauding )

( theme music playing )