-Are you ready, kids?
-[kids] Aye, aye, Captain.
-I can't hear you.
-[kids] Aye, aye, Captain!
Oh...
♪ Who lives in a pineapple
Under the sea? ♪
♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪
♪ Absorbent and yellow
And porous is he ♪
♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪
♪ If nautical nonsense
Be something you wish ♪
♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪
♪ Then drop on the deck
And flop like a fish ♪
-♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪
-Ready?
[all] ♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪
♪ SpongeBob SquarePants
SpongeBob SquarePants ♪
♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪
[Captain laughs heartily]
[pipes a jaunty tune]
[narrator] Shady Shoals,
mild-mannered rest home
and secret headquarters
of Mermaid Man,
master of maritime justice
and defender of Bikini Bottom.
Semi-retired.
And his faithful ward,
Barnacle Boy.
-Who?
-Hello.
Today, we find
this duo of dynamism
engaged in their favorite
pastime, watching TV.
[snoring]
But wait, what's this?
Why, it's Mermaid Man and
Barnacle Boy's biggest fans,
SpongeBob SquarePants
and Patrick Star.
Don't they look peaceful?
Yeah.
Wake up!
[screaming]
I'll deal with
these super-villains
with my trusty mermarang!
Hey, those aren't
super-villains.
Hi, Mermaid... ow.
I can't believe Mermaid Man
hit me with his mermarang.
-It's so awesome.
-Wow. Can you beat me up next?
Keep on your guard,
Barnacle Boy.
They're getting ready
for another attack!
Those aren't super-villains.
It's just that kid, uh,
SpongeBob, and his goofy friend.
Hey, kid, can you give us
our mermarang back?
We only got the one.
-Sure thing.
-Oh, don't throw... [grunts]
-Hey, it came back.
-Yeah, it does that.
-I'll try again.
-No... [grunts]
Look, I'll just come and get--
What is wrong with you?
-[grunts]
-Nice shot.
Wow, that mermarang
really likes you.
I know.
Now, just hand me
the mermarang, son.
-[grunts]
-I've got it!
[both] Runaway mermarang!
[screaming]
-[birds tweeting]
-[grunts]
[screaming]
[grunting]
Ow.
[siren wails]
Hi. How you feeling?
-Would you get off of me?
-OK.
[grunts] What are you two
doing here, anyway?
Oh, I almost forgot.
I brought you flowers.
Since you two
are feeling so poorly.
You never brought me flowers.
Patrick, go home
and check your mailbox.
Really?
-[phone ringing]
-The merma-phone.
-Mermaid Man, here.
-[phone ringing]
[record scratch]
Mermaid Man here.
Ah, Commissioner,
what can I do for you?
[voice squawks]
You can count on Mermaid Man,
Commissioner.
It's for you.
Barnacle Boy here.
-[voice squawks]
-Yes, but...
-[voice squawks]
-Yes.
-Yes, Commissioner, but, uh...
-[line goes dead]
The police commissioner needs us
to be celebrity contestants
at the Bikini Bottom
shuffleboarding competition.
But there's no way we can do it
in this condition.
What kind of quitter talk
is that? We're superheroes.
We're going to that
shuffleboarding competition,
or my name isn't...
-[arm cracks]
-Ow!
You're right, Barnacle Boy.
If only there were someone
to take our place...
Patrick and I could do it,
Mermaid Man!
What?
Why should we trust you two?
Because we're card-carrying
members of the fan club.
-So?
-We're also certified
Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy
impersonators.
Certified.
You can't argue
with certification.
Oh, all right. I suppose
they can't do too much damage.
-It's just shuffleboard--
-[cheering]
♪ We're gonna be heroes
We're gonna be heroes ♪
-Would you cut it out?
-Heroes, heroes, he...roes?
Now listen up.
Here, take these rings.
[both] Oh...
And when you touch 'em together,
you'll be instantly transformed
into our duplicates.
[giggling excitedly]
[both] Mermaid Man
and Barnacle Boy, unite!
-We're ready. Man-Bob...
-And Pat-Boy...
[both] Reporting for duty.
When you're through
with shuffleboarding,
you're to bring those costumes
right back here.
And don't do anything else.
Don't go home first,
don't show your friends,
just come right back here,
you got it?
-Got it.
-Got what?
-This'll never work.
-What will never work?
[both] Shuffleboarding,
shuffleboarding!
[cheering]
Shuffleboarding is exciting,
huh, Patrick?
Well, duh.
What's your favorite thing
about shuffleboarding?
Everything. It's even fun
just to say the word.
[speaks slowly] Shuffleboard.
[rolls word around]
Shu-u-uffle-le-leboard...
Ah, it is fun.
We're gonna seriously
kick some elderly buns today.
-Huh, SpongeBob?
-What?
Out of the way, Gramps. [grunts]
That's my trophy, old lady.
[grunts]
Patrick?
It's gonna be an action-packed
thrill ride
of geriatric proportions!
And the best part is,
there is no way we can lose
with these costumes on.
-We already won the tournament.
-Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Well, how come
I didn't get a trophy?
You did,
it's in your back pocket.
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
-Let's go do something else.
-OK.
You're to bring
those costumes right back here.
Don't do anything else.
[gasps] Patrick, stop!
[gasps] We can't. We have to
get the costumes back.
For Neptune's sake, SpongeBob.
If we're not gonna
go around town
pretending to be Mermaid Man
and Barnacle Boy, then who is?
Nobody?
Exactly. And with no-one
patrolling the town,
who's gonna stop those
youngsters from loitering?
[giggling]
-Their mommies?
-No, we are.
-Let's take 'em to the slammer.
-Patrick!
Don't you think
that's too harsh?
"Too harsh"?
Explain.
Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy?
What are you doing here? Ugh.
[screams]
Wasting a Krabby Patty?
How could you?
I'm full.
Well, maybe somebody
should've thought about that
before they ponied up
for the world's greatest patty,
Mr. Jail Warden.
You're right, Pat-Boy,
this town needs us.
You're chewing too loud.
[grunts] Ow.
-Your shoe's untied.
-[grunting]
You're too old.
[jail doors clang]
I think we've done our work,
Patrick.
Now, let's return
these costumes.
[hums]
[gasps] That's the evil Man-Ray.
[hums]
What diabolical plan
could he be up to?
Why, hello, Ray.
Mabel, I haven't seen you
since high school.
Look at him.
Plotting with his evil minion.
Say, could I borrow
some of your detergent?
Why, certainly.
Anything for the gal
I went to the prom with.
I'll bet he's handing off
some secret w*apon.
-Time to crash this party.
-You haven't aged a day, Ray.
Oh, you. [chuckles]
Hello, Man-Ray.
Who's your friend?
Hey, Mermaid Man
and Barnacle Boy.
I'd like you to meet Mabel.
Any friend of Ray's
is a friend of mine.
All right, Mabel,
that's enough chit-chat.
Are you gonna come quietly,
or will we have to
take you to jail by force?
Playing dumb, eh?
You handle Man-Ray.
I'll take care of his lackey.
-[Patrick roars]
-Mabel?
Hai-yah!
Eat dryer sheets, Man-Ray.
[grunts]
Oh, it's on, now.
Filthy shorts attack!
-[screams]
-Clothes basket bombardment!
[grunts]
Surrender... Mermaid Man?
[grunts] Ow, that's it.
Time for the spin cycle.
[gasps]
Not so fast, Man-Ray.
Wha...?
You're all wet.
You need to dry out.
What? No, my head
is dry clean only...
[high-pitched]
But I didn't do anything!
-Just keep moving.
-You too, missy.
Well, our work is done here.
[metal groans]
-[groaning]
-My legs, my legs...
-Dr. Forrest, dial one...
-Good job, boys.
You won the tournament,
and returned the costumes.
Thanks again, boys.
-Just doing our merma-duty.
-And then some.
[laughs]
"And then some," that's good.
Good-bye, young men.
Oh, look, we have more visitors.
[shouting]
Looking good, Man-Ray.
[angry shouting]
Faster, you old coot.
[clamoring]
They have so many fans.
[clamoring]
[applause and cheering]
Thank you. Thank you.
[sniffs] Ah.
-Isn't it grand?
-What is?
He's such a great musician.
He doesn't even have to touch
an instrument to be brilliant!
[cheering]
All right, I've had enough.
Bunch of nonsense.
Why, here he comes now.
-[gasps] It is him.
-Huh?
Aren't you the esteemed
Squilliam Fancyson the third,
who we all came here
to see perform tonight?
No, I am not.
Nor would I ever want to be.
I am quite content being
Squidward Q. Tentacles.
-Oh, dear. Well, that's too bad.
-Why?
Because I'm head matron
at an esteemed musical college
in town,
and thought if you were
Squilliam Fancyson,
I would offer you
the high-paying
and prestigious opportunity
to come there and teach
your very own music class.
My very own music class?
Did you say,
"Squilliam Fancyson"?
-Yes.
-I'm...
Squilliam Fancyson.
But didn't you
just say a minute ago
that your name was
Squidward Q. Tentacles?
It is. No, I mean,
uh, no, no, I didn't.
Well, that's a relief.
I mean, what kind of a moron
would go to their
worst enemy's music recital?
A very pathetic one,
that's whom.
Indeed. [laughs]
[laughs]
[laughs loudly]
Oh.
Well, good evening,
Professor Squilliam.
Who? Uh, um, uh, and a good
evening to you, as well.
Hmm, music types.
Oh, they're so strange.
[school bell ringing]
[door opens]
[clears throat]
Good evening, students.
-Now our first...
-[all] Good evening, Professor.
As I was saying...
Our first...
Yes.
Aren't you gonna write
your name on the board
like most professors do?
My... my name? What for?
Well, you know,
it just seems like
teachers usually write
their names on the board
the first day of class.
[sighs] Why don't you come
write your name on the board?
We'll see how you like it.
[scoffs] Ok.
There, now how does that feel,
"Billy"?
OK, I, I guess.
Good. Now, why don't you
take your seat,
and stop poking your nose
into other people's business?
Now, if we can go
for five minutes
without having
any further interruptions,
I would like to...
[laughs] Hey, look, it's Squid--
Uh, "Squilliam," everybody,
he was about to say "Squilliam."
Oh, uh, oh, actually, I think
he was about to say "Squid--"
Didn't you two nincompoops know
I had my name legally changed
to "Squilliam Fancyson"?
And you are to refer to me
only as Professor Squilliam
from now until the end of time.
Now blink twice,
so I know you understand.
OK, good.
Hey, he blinked three times.
Wow, only eight minutes in,
and we've already been given
a math quiz.
Very advanced music class,
huh, Patrick?
I'll say.
Would you two numbskulls
mind telling me
what you're doing
in music class, anyway?
Sure. Patrick's resolution was
to learn to play an instrument.
You told me your resolution
was to sign up for
an all-natural,
slimming, toning,
and increased muscle mass
program.
It was. I traded with SpongeBob.
And I have been really happy
with the results, see?
Wow, those are
impressive results.
[school bell rings]
[clears throat] As you may not
be aware, music is a...
[SpongeBob laughs]
-Music is a...
-[SpongeBob laughs]
-Is a complicated series of...
-[SpongeBob laughs]
Is a complicated series
of notes that...
[laughs]
SpongeBob, do you mind?
There are other people here
besides you, you know.
I don't think they appreciate
you depriving them of my wisdom.
[sighs] I'm sorry,
"Professor Squilliam."
Patrick here keeps
tickling my foot.
No way, he's making that up.
It was him.
You expect me to believe
he was tickling himself?
You better tell him, SpongeBob.
All right, it was me.
-You were tickling yourself.
-Mm-hmm.
-How?
-Like this.
[laughs]
All right, that's enough!
There. Now, as I was saying,
music is a series of complex...
[SpongeBob laughs]
SpongeBob, I told you
to stop tickling yourself.
Actually, that time...
it really was me.
Now I'm going to put some notes
on the chalkboard.
[whispers indistinctly]
Excuse me? Is this something
you'd like to share
with the rest of the class?
Uh-uh.
Go on, you've already
interrupted once.
You might as well tell us
what was so very important.
Well...
I was just saying that
these lines you drew
remind me of a railroad track.
I've never heard anything
more insipid, insane,
uninteresting or irrelevant.
Well, actually,
there was a railroad convention
in town last week,
and I bought myself this
nifty conductor's cap.
I have never seen a more
ridiculous-looking object
on top of anybody's head
anywhere.
Well, I don't know.
Suits my needs.
What else did you buy
at this convention?
Your very own locomotive?
[laughs]
-Yes.
-[laughs] What the?
[whistle toots]
Now, where were...
we?
This is what's known
as a metronome.
Hey, my mom has one of those
in her garden.
Oh, no, SpongeBob.
That was a garden gnome.
[clears throat] Anyway.
The metronome
helps us keep time.
(ticks)
[both] Tick, tick,
tick, tick, tick...
Tick, tick, tick, tick....
Do you mind?
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
Is there something seriously
wrong with your heads?
My whole life has been
pointed in one direction.
I see that now.
There's never been
any choice for me.
Would you two nincompoops
cut it out?
-Or am I gonna...
-[knock at door]
Hello. We're with the local
Bikini Bottom news channel.
-I'm a reporter.
-[gasps]
We're here to conduct
an interview
with the esteemed musical genius
Squilliam Fancyson.
[both] Tick, tick,
tick, tick, tick...
-Please ignore them.
-Are those students of yours?
Nope, they're just morons.
You two, snap out of it.
They appear to be
in some type of trance.
A case of genuine hypnosis like
this makes a much hotter scoop.
Hotter scoop?
Well, it's the sort of thing
that borders on the paranormal.
Our viewers just
eat that stuff up.
Paranormal? The only thing
paranormal around here
is how fast I'm gonna
make you two disappear.
Don't blame me...
Blame the market.
[grunts and pants,
school bell rings]
What, where am I?
I felt like I was in
some sort of horrible trance.
-You want to know what happened?
-[both] OK.
You once again managed to
single-handedly annihilate
what might be the one and only
chance I may ever get
to sow just one tiny seed
of creative hope
into the culturally barren
wasteland
that each and every one of us
is forced to call home.
Actually, I've been
commuting from upstate.
Now, I don't suppose you two
have anything to say
for yourselves?
Well, I guess if I was
to say one thing,
it would have to be...
We're sorry, Squidward.
Yeah, we're sorry, Squidward.
[stammers] No-no-no,
shh-shh-shh.
Hey, did those guys
just call you Squidward?
No-no-no-no,
they said Squilliam.
Oh, I knew this guy
was a phony from minute one.
I'm getting out of here.
Yeah, me too.
I'm gonna get my tuition back.
-No, wait.
-[students clamoring]
No! You're not going anywhere.
What, what's going on here?
Sorry, professor,
your little symphony is over.
It's true,
we're on to your little ruse.
What a hot scoop.
The real Squilliam,
as we all know,
has a large, bushy unibrow just
at the base of his forehead.
-But...
-No unibrow.
Squidward Q. Tentacles,
I'm placing you under arrest
-for impersonating a genius.
-[handcuffs clicking]
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
06x17 - Shuffleboarding/Professor Squidward
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A square yellow sponge named SpongeBob SquarePants lives in a pineapple with his pet snail, Gary, in the city of Bikini Bottom on the floor of the Pacific Ocean.
A square yellow sponge named SpongeBob SquarePants lives in a pineapple with his pet snail, Gary, in the city of Bikini Bottom on the floor of the Pacific Ocean.