08x21 - Morning Becomes Obnoxious

[bunniefuu]

( harmonica wails )

Ahem. Roseanne,
what is this piece
of meat doing

On the floor
back there?

I don't know. It was
on the floor out here.

Somebody must have
kicked it back there.

( sighs )

Okay, so who kicked
the meat?

( gasps )
Roseanne, you know
who that is?

That's cindy kenner
from "wake up Chicago."

She's on every morning
at : a.M.

Well, I never see it
'cause I never stay up
that late anymore.

Excuse me.
Are you the manager?

No, actually,
I am the owner.

Well, actually,

He's one of four owners

That own this
place equally.

I'm Roseanne conner,
the main owner.

Nice to meet you.
I'm joe matthews, producer
of "wake up Chicago."

Listen, if you don't mind,
we're here to do some man-
on-the-street interviews.

- would that be all right?
- of course that's all right.

You just make yourself
right at home-- hi.

- thank you.
- Jackie harris,
owner number three.

It's just...
Very nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too.
All right, let's get
started then, huh?

He is very good-looking,

And I did not
see a ring.

Careful, Jackie,
he might spot
your dorsal fin

Moving through
the water.

This is so great.
We're gonna get all
this free advertising.

More customers
mean more work.

I think we should think
about this.

Okay, our reporter
cindy kenner will
ask the questions.

Hi, i'm cindy.

Hi, i'm Roseanne.

Say, could I
possibly get

A little bit
of pellegrino?

You could if I knew
what the hell that was.

Sorry, I forgot
where I was.

You were in between
asking me for a drink

And getting punched
in the face.

Here we go.
Let's start with him here
and then her,

Today we've come
to the little town
of Lanford

To ask some local
restaurant people

The question that's
on everyone's lips

This election year.

Is beef back?

Does she have to think
of all these questions
every single day?

When does she find
the time to not eat?

"is beef back?"

Here at the lunch box
located on route

Just half a mile south
of hanging bat caverns...

We serve beef
to our customers.

So beef is good.

And remember,

Leon recommends lean.

Okay.

So is beef back?

Well, i'm going to
have to agree with Leon

That low fat
is the way to go,

But today there are
leaner cuts of beef,

So who knows?
Maybe someday,

Beef won't have
any fat at all.

Because the future
is now

And who knows what
that's going to bring?

Maybe we won't
even have beef or cows

Or cars, or we just will
wear those jetpack things.

We'll just fly all over
wherever we want to go.

And we'll eat food
made out of, I don't know,

Just old newspapers
and air.

Oh, to be young again.

Okay.

Hi, andy.
Mommy's on tv.

Hi, is beef back?

Well, I just wanna say
that the only thing I
don't like about fat

Is that it doesn't
have any sugar in it.

Okay, but doesn't
a fatty diet--

I mean, won't it
make you fat?

So?

A lot of people
are fat, you know.

In fact, I think more
american women look like me

Than like you,
you know?

Yeah, but when you
watch tv, there's no
fat people on or anything.

When I watch that show
"friends" that has all
those whiny girls

That are nothing
but hair and bones,
you know?

And I watch them
and they're drinking

Those triple espressos
and stuff,

And i'm just like,
"hey, go for the muffins."

It kind of bugs me,
you know, because,

I feel like,
"hey, I eat the same amount
of food that they eat.

I just don't puke
when i'm done."

( theme music playing )

( laughs )

I must say
planning a wedding
for you and Darlene

Is such a thrill.

Of course,
my wedding gown

Is gonna have to
be let out a bit

To accommodate her
little bun in the oven.

Plus, i'm attaching
styrofoam doves

To the shoulder pads

To draw the eye away
from her waistline.

Mrs. Harris--

Don't worry, I haven't
forgotten about you.

I've already called
veils and tails.

They have plenty
of tuxes in your size.
Why, they fit boys

As young
as four years old.

Well, that's very nice,
but--

But what?

We need music.

Do you have
any ideas?

Only scads.

Oh, Darlene,
there you are.

Well, you've missed all
the wedding planning fun,

But David will
catch you up.

Now i'll make
myself disappear

So you two lovebirds

Can coo.

Poof!

Well, I hope
whatever she's on

Becomes
over-the-counter
in our lifetime.

Now what the hell
is going on in here?

Your grandmother
has lots of ideas
for our wedding.

And you're saying
okay to them?

She's just trying
to be nice.

David, that's
just her cover.

God, and you think
you're gonna be a conner?

No, I thought you were
gonna be a healy.

Oh, we'll get
to that later.

Tell her no.

- what?
- all these wedding plans
she's roped you into,

- you've gotta
tell her no.
- I can't just say no.

Well, can you say,
"ow, quit it, Darlene"?

Okay, fine.
How do I do it?

Well, you've gotta
be tough. You've
gotta stay firm.

She's a really
crafty manipulator.

Here, practice
saying no to me.

No.

That's it. I'm gonna go
get mom to coach you.

No!

Very good.

..."go for the muffins,"
you know.

'cause I figure I eat
the same amount of food
that they eat.

I just don't puke
when i'm done.

I'm wonderful.

Well, nobody loves
Roseanne like
Roseanne, huh?

You're just bitter
'cause they cut all
your stuff out.

That's not entirely true.

They did leave in
that pithy epigram
"beef is good."

Three more words
than I got in.

I'm really proud
of you, honey. You were
great this morning.

- ( kisses )
- thanks, doll,
and remember me

When the ballots
come out for the people's
choice awards.

You've got it.

No, wait, if I vote
for that, will I get
called for jury duty?

Hey, Roseanne.

Hey, what are you
doing back here?

Hi, joe, you know,
normally my hair is
a lot higher than this,

But even the most
perfect hair

Can't stand up
to beef steam.

Nice to see
you again, Jackie.

Listen, can I talk
to your sister
for a sec?

Huh? Uh, yeah, sure.

I was just in elgin
on a story,

Another kid in a well,
you know.

Anyway, I thought i'd
drop by and tell you
the news.

Kid in a well.
Kind of takes
you back, huh, Deej?

Roseanne, your appearance
on the show this morning,

It was fantastic.

I mean, your whole opinionated
blue-collar outlook,

People just loved it.

See, Dan, all these years
everybody thought
I was a bitch,

But what I had was

An opinionated
blue-collar outlook.

How'd you like to come
on the show next week
and be a commentator

- on "wake up Chicago"?
- yeah, and i'll give
you a handful

Of these magic beans.

I'm serious.
We want you
to come on the show

And do a one-minute
piece commenting on
anything you want.

- what do you say?
- oh my god.

- oh my--
- honey, that's incredible.

Don't forget us
when you're famous, mom.

Who are you?

I don't know who he is,
but I am the wind
beneath your wings.

All right, let's slow
down here, people.

I'll handle this.

Speaking as roseanne's
manager...

Whatever.

...We're gonna have to
work out a couple
of things here.

That's really--
you don't mind
if I do that, do you?

All right, first of all,
what's the pay scale?

What size dressing room
does she have,

And when we walk
into that dressing room

Are we gonna find
a fruit basket?

Jackie, it's all right.
She'll be paid very well
for this.

Uh-huh, well, that's
all well and good,

But i'm not hearing
the words "fruit basket."

Fruit basket.

I think we can make
this thing happen.

I'm real excited
about this, Roseanne.

We'll give you a call
with all the details,
all right?

And then I guess
we'll see you
in the studio.

She'll be there,
and maybe you and I
should get together

- for a couple of beers
and hammer out the details,
- yeah yeah yeah.

You know, dot the is,
cross the ts.

You call me
day or night.

I am very hot
on this project.

I can't believe it.

( stammers )
i'd better start thinking

About what I would
even say on there.

'cause I have to decide
'cause a lot of stuff
does tick me off,

You know,
like politicians

And big corporations

And him.

Gee, Rosie, you really
think they're gonna let
you go on tv

And say anything
you want?

Dan, Dan, Dan,
don't get involved

In things you don't
know anything about.

Yeah, because that's
what the guy said.

He said they wanted
my opinionated blue-collar
outlook, you know?

And that's just what
they're gonna get too.

Roseanne uncensored.

Oh, dear god,

She is already
referring to herself
in the third person.

Hey, if she wants
to refer to herself
in the third person,

There's not a damn thing
you can do about it.
She's a star.

Hi! Hi, David!
Sorry i'm late.

I had a brainstorm
on the way over.

I've decided
to drape the pews

With battenberg lace...

To create a hallowed

Yet whimsical aura

Of love.

No.

You're right.
We don't have to drape it.

We can fan it.

Good for you.

Oh, i've auditioned
a marvelous band

For the wedding--
dave dunn and his
swing cats.

Very peppy.

No.

No, Mrs. Harris.
No to the band.
No to the lace.

No to all of it.

Aren't you cute,

Teasing your--

Oh, why not say it
even though it's
two weeks away?

--teasing your grandma.

Mrs. Harris,

I am sorry,
but Darlene and I
talked about this

And we decided
that we are planning
the wedding alone

Without your help.

- what?
- i'm serious.

That's it.
It's over, the end.

But, David,

I didn't get
to plan a wedding

For either one
of my own daughters.

Becky eloped.

I probably won't be around
for d.J.'s wedding

Or-- or jerry's.

I'm getting old, David.
( coughs )

Darlene was
my last chance

At a real wedding...
( crying )

Oh, please,
give me a break.

But all my plans,
David.

This is so lame.

- ( mockingly )
boo-hoo-hoo!
- oh!

You're a horrible boy,
horrible.

Hey, Darlene,
look who's crying.

- David.
- you were right.

She tried everything,
but I stood firm.

She's never cried before.
God, what did you do to her?

You said to be prepared,
that she would try every
trick in the book.

I told you to stand firm,
not completely crush
her dreams.

What are you gonna
do next, tell her
charlton heston is gay?

( wailing )

But you--

Come on, grandma,
i'll make you some tea.

- come on.
- we were talking
so pleasantly

And all of a sudden,
he just att*cked me.

As rescue workers
continue to sift
through the rubble,

The tragic death toll
stands at seven,

But it's expected
to climb during the rest
of the day.

Thanks, don.

Hey, it's kids-are-king day
at the lincoln park zoo.

Let's go there
for the cutest report

You've ever seen.

Excuse me, sweetheart.
Sweetheart.

Easy with the cotton swab.
My client's skin is
her livelihood.

Can you believe it,
Jackie?

This is the same studio
where oprah does her show.

Roseanne, we are
on sacred ground.

Who would
have ever thought
that a little girl

That grew up
in Lanford, Illinois,

Would make it all the way
to Chicago, Illinois?

Hey, Roseanne,
just wanted to
let you know

That we are all
really excited
to have you here.

- well, thanks.
- good luck.

Thank you.

Hey, hitch up your
skirt a little. Your
skeleton's showing.

Oh, hello,
i'm rula lenska.

Hey, Roseanne, hi.
Jackie.

- oh, hi.
- how are you doing?

You know, i'm just--
I like your slacks.

Thanks. Well,
we're almost ready.

You got any questions,
Roseanne?

Yeah, where's the bagels?

Come on, i'll walk you
to the studio.

You're on
in a couple minutes.

"I like your slacks."

Why don't you
just pin him up
against the table?

Oh my god.
Oh my god, look.

I can't believe it.
I love you.

I can't believe
i'm meeting don samuels.

I'm glad
to meet you too.
Welcome aboard.

Wow, thanks.

Can you get me
a bagel?

- oh, no, we have people
who bring those to you.
- oh.

I'll get you one.

- three minutes, joe.
- okay, let's set
you up, Roseanne.

Have a seat
over here.

Already? 'cause, I mean,
we haven't even talked about

What i'm gonna say.

What's to talk about?
I read it. I loved it.

Yeah, you loved it,
as is?

I mean, okay,
you loved it,

But I bet all
the suits hated it.

No, everyone loved it.
Even cindy liked it.

So we're just--
like, just gonna
go ahead then, huh?

In two and a half
minutes.

Jackie, do you
care to watch
in the booth with me?

In the booth? Sure.
Go in a booth?
Yeah, sure.

To watch what?
Oh, the show.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Yeah, sure, okay.
So good luck.

Oh, I need a minute
with my manager.

What?
What do you need?

Go pull the car around.
We're getting out of here.

- what do you mean?
You're on in two minutes.
- I don't think I can do it.

Sure you can.
You heard what joe said.

Everybody here
loves you. They think
you're gonna be great.

Yeah, I know, but that's
the problem, Jackie.

I'm not used
to people liking me.

I mean, if they thought
I sucked or something,

I'd be like, "i'll show
those bastards," and then
I could blow 'em away.

That's how I am,
but everybody thinking--

Expecting me
to be good, I just--
I just don't--

I just don't think
I could deliver.

But, Roseanne, see,
i've never seen you
lack confidence

Like this before,
and that gets me
all weak,

And I can't
take that now.

You know, not with
everything else
that's going on.

Fred called the other day,
and I was so upset.

- then he called me right back,
and I hung up on him.
- this is so not about you.

Well... But what
are we gonna do?

Soon as that chimp
puts down the accordion,

- you are on.
- well, I don't know.

You're my manager.
Fix it or make me
feel better or something.

Go get 'em.

You are fired.

That felt kind of good.

Well, wait wait.

Just think
of it this way--
you're all scared

Because everybody
thinks you're great

- and you don't
have confidence--
- stop saying that.

It's the only way
I can say it, but look
at it this way--

Everybody out there
in tv land is expecting
you to fail.

- no, they're not.
- oh, yes, they are.

Look at yourself.

Come on.

You don't look
like a cindy

Or diane sawyer

Or any other woman
on tv.

See, as soon
as they see you,

They are gonna
instantly dislike you.

- no, they're not.
- sure, and then the moment
you open your mouth,

I mean,
that voice, god!

So that's two strikes
against you right in
the very first second

- of the broadcast.
- two strikes, huh?
Go on.

Well, they're--
they're, you know--

Like, "hey.
Well, hey, who is
this big-boned,

Loudmouth banshee

That's polluting
my living room?

Hey, may,
get the remote.

Change it.
I don't care to what.

Just get this
off my screen."

You're not just saying
that to make me feel better?

Roseanne, think about it.
There's two million
people out there

Waiting for you
to fail.

Two million?

Plus mom.

Out of my way, Jackie.

It's time
to wake up Chicago.

Attagirl!

And mess your hair up.

You show 'em
the true Roseanne.

Well, I kind of liked
what they did
with my hair.

It looks really good,
so you go, girl!

Okay, everybody,
here we go.

In five, four,
three, two...

Welcome back.

Now it's time
to meet Roseanne conner

With her special report
from the heartland.

Roseanne...

Yeah, hello.

Well, while i've been
here in the big city,

I noticed that what
you guys call daycare,

We in small towns,
we just call it babysitting.

I think you take
a lot of things
that are pretty simple

And make 'em
way too complicated.

Granted, moving all
the holidays to Monday

Was pure genius
but now Tuesday sucks.

Hey, don, you wanna
know what really
gets my goat?

- no, what?
- it's those overchilled

Little pats of butter
they give you
in restaurants.

I mean, come on,
they're just way too hard.

I prefer
whipped butter.

How about you, don?

Butter?

Do you think I really
want to sit here

And talk to you
about butter?

I-- I am
a real journalist.

I was covering
the korean w*r

While your father
was chasing your mother
around the sock hop.

I've got shrapnel
in my knee older than you.

Butter?

Where were you
when j.F.K. Was sh*t?

I was on that
crowded sidewalk
in dallas

And I felt that hot lead
whistle by my ear.

Butter? I drank sh*ts
with Edward R. Murrow!

If I have to listen
to one more

Of your stupid,
inane stories,

I am going to open
a ( bleep ) vein!

So, whipped it is.

( theme music playing )