09x08 - Hoi Polloi Meets Hoiti Toiti

[bunniefuu]

I don't know what
to do about astrid.

She keeps bringing
home these stray people.

Well, then, mother,

Why don't you just have
her committed again?

Just for a few
weeks, like last time.

Ah, I hate to spend the money.

Mother, it's me,
your astrid. I'm home.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, darling, I missed you so.

And look what I've brought:

Conners.

All: hello!

I met roseanne and
jackie at the spa,

Fell in love. They're so fresh.

Met them again in new
york, even fresher,

And I've brought them here. Ha.

Yeah. This is, uh, andy,
d.j., Bev, jerry, mark,

Becky, jackie, and roseanne.

And this is kiki, lily,
chip, doris, astrid, and...

Where's my porcelain?

You know I like to have my
porcelain here when I get home.

Is porcelain somebody's name?

Yes. It's astrid's son.

Whether it's a
name is debatable,

But, uh, it's what she chose.

Now, mummy, I know I am
not your precious chippy,

But couldn't you at
least pretend to like me?

Oh, darling, don't
be so oversensitive.

You know I love all
my children the same.

Well, just because I
was the one on the boat

With daddy when he d*ed

Does not mean I am
responsible for his death.

No, of course not, darling.

Daddy just fell
off... All by himself.

Man, I'm starving.

Oh, forgive me. That
was so rude of us.

Um, won't you join us?

The eggs benedict
are absolutely divine.

And if you don't favor eggs,

The cook can prepare
almost anything you'd like.

No, that's ok. We'll
just eat what's, uh, out.

Wouldn't you like to change?

Why? All we're
going to do is eat.

But you're... In
your... Travel clothes.

We really don't mind
eating in our travel clothes.

I mean, sometimes
we even sleep in them.

Um, darling, do
show your friends

Up to their rooms so
they can freshen up.

Werner, set a few more
places at the table, please.

What if I just want
to grab a sausage?

Do I have to change for that?

You see, we change our
clothes for each unit of the day.

Morning, breakfast,
morning activities,

Lunch, nap, cocktails,
dinner, and after dinner.

You change your
clothes eight times a day?

On average.

We don't have eight
changes of clothes total!

We're never
going to fit in here.

I watch that martha
stewart. We'll be fine.

♪ If what doesn't k*ll us
is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Oh, that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hey, hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Is everyone comfy?

Would anyone like a sweater?

Oh, no, thanks. We're
all fine. All right.

[Whispering] they all
changed their clothes again.

I've asked werner to put out
some extra clothes for them.

Yes, the primary colors.

The hallmark of
the working class.

Hello, fellows.

Hey, chip. Ow!

Ha ha. I got you.

Mark, d.j., I'd like you
to meet flip and skip.

Chip, flip, and skip?

You got to be hosing me.

Oh, we've taken that
ribbing before, eh, fellows?

Have we.

Of course, at choate
we always gave

The business to
ray, trey, and gray.

So, we were hoping
maybe you boys would like

To join us for a little
game of, uh, touch football.

Sounds cool.

Ok. We're not changing
clothes between quarters.

Would anyone like a drink?

We've got screwdrivers, mimosas,

Bloody marys, tom
collins, boilermaker.

Astrid, it's :
in the morning.

Astrid: I know.

My daughter is a child
of the modern age.

In my day, we had our
first drink at : sharp.

Beverly.

You look like a mimosa girl.

Oh, doris. It's like you've
known me all my life.

Well, anyone can tell that you're
a woman of taste and breeding.

[Whispering] yeah, anybody
that starts drinking at a.m.

Look, mother, I'm
going to score!

I say, this is a game
of touch football.

Yeah, I'm begging your pardon.

So, astrid, where's
your husband?

Well, he went to visit his
mother in a mental institution.

That's where my husband is, too.

We really have
moved up in class.

There we go, sugar.

You still breathing?

I forgot my mirror.

All right. All
right. That is it.

Andy, now you knock that off.

I told you before,

You do not throw things
at the nice rich lady. Stop it.

Hello. How are you?

Hellooooo.

I'm afraid grandmama

Is a little hard of hearing.

Ohh.

[Loudly] I'm having
a lovely time!

Your house is simply marvelous!

I have dreamed all my life

Of living in a
house just like this!

Nice catch, d.j.

Thanks.

Women and football
don't mix, old sport.

D.j., Why don't
you take a break,

And I'll give you a
tour of the house.

Ok.

Jackie: all right.

Ok. Hey.

Filling in for d.j. Conner,
number on your programs,

Number one in your
heart is jackie harris!

Yeah, great! Go get 'em, jackie.

Hey, becky, conner women
are not just cheerleaders.

Get out here!

Mark: whoa, the both of you.

Now you guys are toast!

Ahh.

To my dear departed
husband, reginald wentworth.

To daddy.

What a life, man.

You guys get to sit around,
drink until you get gout,

And then... And then
your, uh, servant

Carts you around
in a wheelchair.

Yes, but to break
up the busy day,

I thought we might bring
the children out to amuse us.

That's a good idea.

Ahh. There's my little
porcelain. Come to me.

Jackie: andy. Say,
andy, lookie here.

Mommy's playing football, huh?

And mommy's kicking butt!

Oh, hello, jerry. Did
you like your nap?

How did that % pure
egyptian cotton treat you, huh?

Would you like to
play ball, porcelain?

Yeah.

He would.

Go over.

Look how wonderful he is.

No, don't go after it!
Don't go off the porch!

Come to mommy. Are you hurt?

Such a violent game.

Go, chip, go!

Becky: somebody get him!

Go!

Go!

Jeez, this kitchen is huge.

You can have, like, a
whole party in here.

Oh, yeah. You can do
a lot of things in here.

You've got great hair.

Thanks.

Can I have some pretzels?

You're one of those
bad boys, aren't you?

What'd I do?

Nothing.

But I know what you want to do.

You do?

Sure. I know about
guys like you,

Guys from public schools,

With your torn jeans
and sweaty t-shirts.

You like to stay
out late at night,

Rip the antennas off
cars, steal, and spit.

Well, I did take my
parents' car once, but...

I knew it!

I bet you have
african-american friends, too.

Yeah. Don't you?

Oh. D.j., I've always
wanted to do it

With a boy from the streets,

This isn't your
first time, is it?

Yes. I mean, no.

I mean, I've been
with lots of women,

Just... Not here
in the vineyard.

Most of them have been
mall chicks and waitresses.

Shouldn't you two
be wearing sweaters?

Jackie: slow down, guys.

You don't want to ruin
your appetite before dinner.

I thought this was dinner.

No, mark. It's an appetizer,

Like that thing they put

In the upper right-hand
corner of the tv dinner.

Hey! Where are all
the wentworths?

Oh, they're upstairs.

[Whispering] changing again.

Sitting here in
the lap of luxury,

I just can't help thinking about

The poor starving
children of the world.

I really don't think
I've been doing all I can

For the great unwashed.

So, the next time I'm
at the dry cleaners,

I'm dropping an extra quarter

In the sally struthers can.

Jackie: oh, man.

Look at this.

Oh, wow. I think we
found doris' stash.

Demerol, valium, prozac.

Wow. Xanax, percocet, lithium.

This chick is looped.

Oh, look, this one here
is just plain old aspirin.

I'll borrow it in case I
get a headache later.

What do you think this is for?

[Buzzes]

Hey.

Look at that, you
made a butler appear.

And he's... He's bearing gifts.

You really liven up
a poor butler's life.

You know, it must
suck having a job

With the word "butt" in it.

Hey, take a load
off here, werner.

We want to buy you a drink.

Oh, no, no. Wouldn't be proper.

Too many rules around here.

Ha ha ha ha!

And as grande dame
of the conner family,

Let me just remind you

I simply cannot
have you laughing

In your dining attire.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Ah-ah-ahem.

Really.

Uh, werner, would you tell cook

That we are ready
for dinner. Thank you.

Three forks, four plates.

I don't know how many glasses.

Hmm. I know. There are so
many things on the table,

I don't even know
where to put my elbows.

So, roseanne...

What do people in
the midwest... Do?

You know, raise families, farm.

Just regular stuff, like,
you know, work at jobs.

Mmm. You lost me.

Uh... Doris, could
you please pass me

The bread there, if it
isn't a bother or anything.

Bread is never a bother,
dear, not when it's baked,

Not when it's sliced,
and not when it's served.

Oh, I know. I was just...

Excuse me, astrid?

Astrid: yes.

I don't mean to be rude, but...

Who's that?

You missed the introductions.

This is dr. Hrundi v. Bakshi

Of the university of calcutta.

Hello.

So, uh... Dr. Bakshi there,

What brings you to
the good old u.s. Of a.?

I'm doing a fellowship

At the kennedy school
of government in boston.

Oh, well, that sounds like fun.

I get a kick out of it.

What I'm finding, however,

Is that the american
views on foreign policy

Are, at their very
least, cloistered.

No, I totally disagree.

I think the cliché of
the cloistered american

Is an anachronism.

Did you say... India or indiana?

India.

India. Oh. Yeah.

I didn't ever see
that gandhi movie,

But, uh, was it gandhi
or where he gets in

That big fight with mr. T?

Oh, anyway.

Hey, what's the deal
with the untouchables?

In our country, we
have a caste system.

The untouchables are
on the lowest rung.

They are less than us.

Their lives are a drudgery.

They get the most
undesirable jobs.

Oh. Yeah, we have that here,

And we just call
them illegal aliens.

Nobody else is talking to him.

Ok. Listen.

Can I just say something?

You know, before dinner
when you came out there

And you saw us and we
were kind of making a joke

At the expense of your family,

Well, we would really
like to say that we're sorry,

And we didn't mean
to offend you.

Yes. Well...

Thank you for your
words, roseanne.

Brilliant langouste, eh, chippy?

merveilleux.

No, really.

I just want you to know
that we're very, very sorry.

Roseanne, we have
thanked you for your words,

And that was the end of it.

Well, can we turn a light on?

No. These people are like moths.

They'll be down
here in a second.

Think they're still mad at us?

Well, I think we'd have to
cut 'em open to find out.

God, they've got
rules for everything.

Rules for what to wear,

Rules for how to eat,

Rules for how to sit.

Uh-oh!

Oh, it's you.

I thought maybe the
help was stealing again.

Well, since I'm here, I'm
going to get a little bicarb.

I've got indigestion.

Well, that's understandable.

Oh, it's you.

I thought it was daddy.

I thought I saw daddy's ghost.

Daddy's ghost stole my pen.

He broke my glass unicorn.

I am sick to death
of daddy's ghost.

Maybe daddy broke the
horn off the unicorn

So it would feel like
the other horses.

So it wouldn't
feel so different.

Oh...

Oh, daddy, I love
you. I miss you so.

Well, hey, let's all
make some sandwiches.

I'm not hungry.

Come on, doris. You hardly
ate anything at dinner.

No, I'm... I'm fine, really.

I mean, really. You only had
like, what, a couple of peas,

And who's to say you
kept any of that down.

I said I'm not hungry.

Mother, it's all right.

There's nothing wrong
with coming down

To the kitchen for a sandwich.

But it's not why I came here.

Take the damn sandwich!

Mother.

Did you just yell at me?

You bet your ass I did!

Now take the damn sandwich!

How can you speak
to me like that?

Oh, who are you to be
putting on those airs?

We all know what
the family was built on:

Bootlegging, gambling, bimbos.

God, that felt good. I... I've
kept it inside for years.

Lucky for you my
teeth didn't fly out.

This is just what all
of you people need.

What in heaven's name
is she talking about?

You need to get mad.
You need to yell. Let it out.

Then you won't
need to drink so much

Or to start foreign wars.

We don't start wars.
We just profit from them.

Oh, we start some.

Now, listen to what
this lady has to say.

Roseanne, teach her.

Doris wentworth, I
am going to tutor you

In the fine art of female anger.

No, i... I don't think so.

Well, I'm sure with
your proper upbringing,

You realize that it is rude

To refuse a request of a guest.

She's got you there, mumsy.

I'll give you one minute.

Great.

Well, let's start
by loosening up.

Unclasp those arms,
doris. Take the pole out.

Come on, put your
legs apart, doris,

And plant them firmly,

Because once you start yelling,
you might find yourself off balance.

How do you feel?

A tad... Wrong.

Good. Now, repeat after me:

I'm not taking any
crap from anyone!

I am not...

Stop! It is not
"I am." It's "I'm"!

I'm not taking any...

Do I have to say the "c" word?

Yes, you do, doris.

You have to say it because
it's the most important word

In the whole damn sentence.

Trust her, doris.

She's very good at this.

I'm not taking any
crap from anyone.

That was pretty good.

But are you serving tea, doris?

You've got to make
it shrill and grating.

I'm not taking any
crap from anyone!

You know, like fingernails
on a chalkboard.

[Imitating roseanne] I'm not
taking any crap from anyone!

Good! Now personalize
it. Make it your own.

I'm not taking any
damn crap from anyone!

You hear that, astrid?

Bravo, mama!

How do you feel?

I feel...

Fan-freaking-tastic!

Ah, that's great.

See, now you won't need
to take those pills anymore.

I won't?

No! Women who
yell don't need pills.

Men invented pills
to shut women up!

I'm ashamed to be a man!

That's the spirit, chippy.

I want to yell, too.

Ya-hoo!

It does feel good.

Now, something here tells me

That's not the first time
you've done that, astrid.

She's a little too
good to be a beginner.

No, no, no, no.

That's the first time
I've ever done it. I swear.

Roseanne, I think we've
got ourselves a natural.

All right. Practice
makes perfect.

Give it to me again,
baby, right in the face.

I said no, daddy!

I believe our work here is done.

I'm absolutely famished!

I'm hungry, too. Yelling
makes you hungry.

Wait till you see
how much you can eat

After you start breaking things.

May I make a suggestion?

Stella.

My god, the help.

Roseanne, you're good, but
there's something missing.

Do tell.

See, you got to put
some bottom into it,

Give it some body language.

You know, get that hip going.

Ok. And then get that head
going. That's it. That's it.

Now give 'em the hand.

That's it.

And then you tell
'em: get outta my face!

'Cause stella don't take that!

You better check yourself

Before you wreck yourself!

Whoo!

Astrid: bravo! Bravo!

♪ Go, stella, go, stella,
go, stella, go, stella ♪

Stella.

Stella!

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Oh, roseanne.

Oh, I swear I'm going to cry.

This visit was so delicious.

Conners are a hoot.

We can't wait to
see you in lanford.

Oh, I can't wait to
have you there as well.

As soon as our social
schedule permits.

Oh, I hope so.

We will. We will.

Well, thank you all again.

It's been wonderful.

Bye-bye. I'll miss you.

I love her.

Bye-bye.