09x15 - The w*r Room

[bunniefuu]

Years with a man,
and what have I got?

Well, million, but
he didn't get that for me.

Ok, kids,

But that only accounts for
about minutes of his time.

You know what, jerry, there's
no reason for me and you

To ever have to leave this bed.

We'll be like the grandparents

In charlie and the
chocolate factory.

As long as we turn ourselves
over every couple of days,

We won't get any bedsores.

Ok, let's look at predictions
here for the future.

"Ellen degeneres
relocates to beirut.

Claims she really is lebanese."

Sharon stone finds out
her dad is really roy rogers.

Look at this. "Former
abc president ted harbert

Reassigned to
eurodisney as ticket taker."

[Knock on door]

Jackie: roseanne, how
you doing in there?

Hey, I made a really nice lunch.
You want to come out and join us?

You know the drill... Leave the
food and back away from the door.

♪ If what doesn't k*ll us
is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Oh, that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Wow, d.j., This is
amazing camera work.

Thanks. It's the
elgin water tower.

The angle's so out there.

How'd you get that sh*t?

Well, I strapped my
legs to the scaffolding

With, like, or belts

And just hung there upside down.

It was pretty cool for a while

Until these guys started
swinging at me with a bat.

Hey, hey, hey, look at my fort.

A fort, david?

You mean the white man's station

From which to ruthlessly
slaughter native americans?

Andy.

It's so ironic, you know?

I mean, here you are building
your own little world

When your own universe is
collapsing right around you.

Cool. I'll get a fresh tape.

No. No, no. No cameras, d.j.

Your mother hasn't had
on makeup since tuesday.

Nancy. Leon. Oh, my god, I'm
so glad you guys are here.

Jackie, you look terrible.

How's roseanne?

She's holed up in the bedroom.

She is beyond depressed.

I don't know what to do.

What's to do?

Isn't this what
we've always wanted,

To isolate roseanne
from society?

Well, i, for one, am
lost without roseanne.

If I don't have her to run
my life, my life doesn't run.

Yeah, I'm worried
about her, too.

It's not that she
hasn't washed her hair

Or gotten out of
bed or anything.

It's just that she's... Quiet.

Has anyone seen dan
or heard from him?

He's still at the airport hotel.

I don't think he's
left town yet.

Maybe somebody should call him.

What for? He's the jerk who
made this whole thing happen

In the first place.

D.j., That is not helping.

She has been in there for days

Stuffing herself
sick on junk food,

And she has no plans to leave.

We've just got to do something.

Well, there's really
only one choice.

We have to do an intervention.

Uh, I don't know about that.

I mean, if we all g*ng up
and then corner your mom,

She does have all
her teeth, right?

Ok, I'm going to go in there,

And I'm going to try one
last time to get her out,

But I need backup.

Well, we'll be here for you.

Unless, of course, we
go out for ice cream.

God, this is so weird.

I mean, out of everybody,
roseanne's usually the strong one.

I have to admit that
I counted on her.

I mean, these past few
months with her and jackie

Just running all around
neglecting the diner,

It's been too much
work for nancy and i.

I mean, who would have thought
that roseanne actually did something?

I got the baby out.

She put him down
to grab a doughnut.

I know it comes
naturally to you conners,

But why are you
spitting onto your plate?

It's a peanut butter and
watermelon sandwich.

I'm just spitting out the seeds.

Ok. All right, let's
focus up, people.

Operation thunderbolt
is about to commence.

Operation what?

Thunderbolt.

You have to give it a good name.

David...

You're our first man in.

Whoa. I'm honored. Wow. I want to
thank you all for your faith in me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, blah
blah blah. Hustle up, junior.

Stay low. Remember
she favors her right side.

And godspeed!

Hey, can you see if she's
got the horseradish

While you're in there?

Operation thunderbolt.
I'm all tingly.

[Banging]

I... She... Oh, my god!

No, no. Sorry.

It's all right, david.

It's ok.

It's all right. We knew she'd
blow the first one away.

We just couldn't...

Could not afford to waste
one of our power hitters.

Told you. Pay up.

All right, all right,
I'll take care of this.

It was just horrible.

She's been in there for a while.

That's a good sign.

Well, darlene is carrying
roseanne's grandchild.

You remember alien .

The monster did not
k*ll sigourney weaver

Because it was
carrying the baby alien.

Darlene knows tough love.

I've got one hell of a
good feeling about this one.

Time check.

Minutes.

Too long! Too long!

She could have smothered
darlene with the french bread...

And we'd never know.

It's a fiasco. We failed.

No, we didn't fail.

We just haven't quite succeeded.

Which one of you little happy chat
gurus taught you that little formula?

We have got to get
darlene out of there!

David, on your feet.

Oh, no.

See, you can't make
me go back in there.

I close my eyes, I
still see that face.

She's your wife.

And you've been her aunt
longer than I've been her husband.

Let's draw straws.

Well, we're in day of
the lanford standoff.

This could be a bitter winter.

Hey, I got an idea.

We could turn the thermostat
up real high in her room

And sweat her out.

Oh, no. She might want
to take off her clothes...

And that is something
we just do not need to see.

Ok, why don't we do what
they did to the people in waco?

We blast annoying noise.

One choice there... Tori amos.

I love her.

How about one of those
awful gloria gaynor albums

From the seventies?

Honey, gloria
gaynor was a goddess.

No. No, it's got to be
something hideous,

Something nerve-racking,

Something that'll drive
her to the breaking point.

Mom!

We put mom's voice on tape,

And we blast it through
the heating ducts.

Didn't they try that on noriega?

Yeah, but they didn't have
grandma, so it didn't work.

No! Wait, I forgot!

Mom's on a cruise
with her bingo partner!

All right, I'm going in.

Hey, what have I got to lose?

I've already lived
years longer than jesus.

[Knock on door]

No housekeeping today.

Oh, look at you.

Days short of a d*ck
gregory intervention.

What are you doing here, leon?

I'm really not in the mood

For your almost clever repartee.

I'm sorry, roseanne. I just
enjoy seeing you depressed.

Here I brought you some protein

So you can stave
off the diabetic coma.

God, it stinks worse
than fish. What is it?

It's fish.

It's line-caught skatewing

With a side of guava chutney.

It is all the rage
on the east coast.

I don't know how to
tell you this, leon,

But I think you
breaded the bait.

Roseanne, I am not prone to
scenes of personal confession,

But I have walked through a
forest of deep depression myself.

Actually, leon, I don't think
you have the slightest clue

About what I'm feeling.

I once spent weeks on a
waterbed listening to jim croce

When my wife left me.

You were married before?

Yes, yes.

To a woman?

And if she hadn't
insisted on sex,

We'd probably still be married.

How come you never told me that?

Because everything in my life is
just grist for your ridicule mill.

Roseanne, the point
I'm trying to make

Is that I have
been in your shoes,

Albeit a much more stylish pair.

And I didn't wait till I
felt better to get up.

I got up, and that
made me feel better.

Hmm?

Nah.

Well, how about this?

I haven't had a decent
argument in a week.

Nah.

Roseanne, if you don't
get out of that bed,

I am going to crawl
in there with you.

Yes, I am.

Well, I finally got jerry
and andy down for their naps.

Had to wait for jerry's
sugar crash to kick in.

Leon's been in there since : .

What time is it now?

: . : . : .

Great. Well, I guess we all
forgot to synchronize our watches.

Well, the good news
is I'm going to learn

How to get guava
chutney out of cashmere.

I want to go next!

Why if you don't have to?

I've got to meet her.

All these people
are freaking out.

I haven't seen this
kind of rallying

Since tim leary was going
to commit su1c1de on-line.

All right, but not
now. It's too dangerous.

Come on.

All right, we'll go around
the side of the house,

And you can peek
through the bushes.

For god's sakes! I'm
a -year-old woman!

I'm going in.

Hi. I'm heather.

Hi. Out.

No, no, wait. I'm
a friend of d.j.'S.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you're the one
he's talking about.

He's got a lot of good
things to say about you.

It's very nice to meet you.

Out.

No, no, wait. I really
need to talk to you.

I'm worried about d.j.

He's really, really
concerned about you.

I'm going to be ok.

It's not like I'm going
to die or anything.

Ok.

Anything else?

Yeah, well, I really
did want to meet you.

Oh, good. Well, now you have,

And on the way out,

Why don't you ask my sister to
give you a lovely parting gift?

You know what? This
really takes me back.

This is exactly how my
mom spent the eighties.

Oh, really? Was she sick?

No. She was exactly like
you are now but all the time.

Did any annoying little
girls come in and gawk at her?

Well, I don't know. You'll
have to ask her herself.

So what are you going to do,
stay in bed the rest of your life?

No, actually. Only till
the mother ship comes back,

And then I'm out of here.

What are you going
to do, o.d. On ho-hos

Just 'cause your
husband left you?

These are not ho-hos.

These are little debbies.

Whatever.

No, no, there is a big
difference, believe me.

So you think d.j.'S
really worried about me?

Well, yeah.

You better get out there
and check on him, then.

You know, whether
you like it or not,

We all really
need you out there,

So why don't you come out when
you stop feeling sorry for yourself?

Bye.

How'd it go?

I tanked.

I'm here now, honey.

You have got to
get out of my face,

Unless there's food in there.

I tried to order a pizza.

They wouldn't deliver
through the window.

The only food you
need is spiritual.

I brought crystals,
healing music,

Books that contain the
spiritual wisdom of the universe:

The mahabharata,
the tao chinchi,

The kabbalah, the
torah, the new testament,

And the koran.

How long were you planning
on staying in here, nancy?

This crystal has very
powerful qualities.

And this candle
represents the light of god.

We set it here knowing that
the darkness will disappear

Into the light.

If I blow that out, would you
disappear into the kitchen?

Roseanne, this is
all about healing.

It's not just about dan.

It's about the anger, the
abrasiveness, the harshness

That has been eating you alive,

The poison that's been running
through your spirit for years.

Nancy, that is my spirit.

Feel a sensation of
calmness and compassion

Wash over you.

Can you feel it?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Good. Because we all
need you, roseanne.

Leon and I need you
back at the diner.

I know it doesn't mean
that much to you anymore,

But for leon and i,
it's our only income.

Could we maybe discuss business

When I'm feeling
a little bit better?

Sure.

Great. Well, come back
in about a year or so.

Do not despair, roseanne.

God works in mysterious ways.

Thanks for the crystal.

Ok, kids, your mother
needs a clearing

Like nobody's business.

I'm going to throw some
crystals, do a little chanting,

And if I have anything left,

I'm going to do a yadna

And throw some of
your father's clothes

Into a fire.

It's imperative for
the next minutes

That no one have any
negative thoughts.

Freak.

Hey, mark.

I have no time to
say hi to you, pal.

I got to talk to mrs.
Conner. Now, where is she?

Hello! The woman's been
in bed for the past days.

Believe me, it's not
a very pretty sight.

The woman is, you know,
she's crippled by heartache.

She may never be whole again.

Lord knows I've been there.

Well, I got to go talk to her.

Go for it. We've
tried everything else.

Maybe gibberish will work.

I want you all to come in and
hear what I have to say to her.

Well, come on, team!
It's full-court press time!

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

In there.

What in the hell is
this, the grand finale?

Mrs. Conner, I have
something to tell you.

I put and together and...

Well, here's what
I came up with, ok?

Mr. Conner doesn't
want to leave town.

Mark, don't toy with the woman.

She's hanging on by a thread.

Wait a minute, jackie.

Now, he goes to the airport,

And he doesn't get on
his plane. What is that?

Instead of checking
on the next flight,

He checks into an airport
hotel. Even weirder.

You know, come to think of it,

Scott thought he
saw him at the mall,

And he was buying a winter coat.

Now, does that sound like
a guy going to california?

Sure doesn't.

Exactly. So I
figure this is a guy

Just looking for
an excuse to stay,

So I started brainstorming.

No wonder you
look a little flushed.

Here's what I came
up with, right?

I called dan, and I told him

That he signed a
government contract

For that big prison
construction job.

If he doesn't show
up, we lose the job.

Well, I hate to be a
wet blanket here, mark,

But anyone can get
out of a contract.

Yeah, if he wants to.

You know what it means.

Dan is staying here
for you, roseanne.

Wow. So come on,
mrs. Conner, get up.

Come on. I'll start the shower.

Yeah! What do you say?

Well, I need some
time to sort this out,

Which I cannot do

With all of you sitting
there staring at me.

Can you just get out,
leave me alone, please?

You know, I thought for sure I
would have got through to her.

You had to suggest a shower.

Thanks a lot, everybody.

You gave it your best sh*t.

My god, mrs. Conner, you're out.

Back, back, back.
Everybody, back!

Come on, no touching.
She's like a zoo animal.

If she runs behind a bush,
we'll never see her again.

I would just like to
apologize to everybody

For shutting you out like that.

Oh, we understand, right, guys?

Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Let me tell you something.

From this day forward,
things are going to change.

No more laying around
feeling sorry for myself.

Dan or not, I am going
ahead with my life.

I am moving forward.

Which one of my spiritual
books turned you around?

Was it the tony robbins book?

Actually, everybody
really helped me,

But I have to say
most of all, it was mark

Because that was just
a brilliant idea, mark.

I guess everybody
has one in a lifetime.

It was nothing, mrs. Conner.

Anyone with days to k*ll
could have come up with it.

The point is that
you made me realize

That I have got to
take care of business.

And, jackie, I think we
should just give up the diner.

No argument there.

I think we should just
turn over our shares

To leon and nancy.

Roseanne, that is so great.

Wait. Wait a minute. Let me make
sure I understand what you're saying.

You are giving us the diner

So we will be there,
and you won't?

Exactly, leon.

I want you guys to feel
what me and jackie felt

When we first
started that place.

For the first time,

We felt like we really
controlled our own destiny.

Right. We bought the diner,

Then we worked really
hard to make something of it.

It wasn't like
winning the lottery,

Getting something for nothing.

We really earned that.

You know, mom, you're all right.

Hear, hear.

This is the first intervention
I've actually seen work.

You know, I know that
I've inspired you guys,

But tonight you
really all inspired me.

I'm really touched by everything
you did for me here tonight.

I feel like the richest
woman in all of lanford

With or without the money.

I think I'll go take a shower.

Rosie, it's about taking
control of your life.

It's about finding a
passion other than food.

You got to use your personal
power and turn things around.

If you're going to start
feeling better emotionally,

You got to take
care of your body.

We got to start with your diet.

I personally am a strict
vegetarian. How about you?

What are we going to do here?

Well, tony, there's
no meat in a ho-ho.

Oh, cool. You got
me there. Scoot over.

Let's toast.