01x05 - Santa’s Birthday

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Santa Inc.". Aired: December 2, 2021.*
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Candy is the highest-ranking female elf in the North Pole; who sets out to become the first woman Santa Claus in the history of Christmas.
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01x05 - Santa’s Birthday

Post by bunniefuu »

"Congratulations! We love you,
Barack and Michelle.

instead of a gift
we made a donation

to our favorite charity."

How stupid!

And a donation and a gift?
Why don't they?

You understand, right?

You always supported me, right?

I shouldn't say this.

I have to tell someone

or vomit.

I've already decided who it will be
my Successor.

It's Candy.
Fantastic choice, isn't it?

And the headlines will say:

"Father Christmas chooses a Successor
and make history! Again!"

But I won't say anything.
Make driving sweat.

Those idiots.
Very well, see you.

Not over there, but here, where you live.

See you later. Heavens!
Whatever, you understand.

My God!

It had to be me!


Yes, teenagers, it's me.
Want a selfie?

- With Junior, does the reindeer wear out?
- No, thank you.

you spanked a woman
to be Santa Claus?

It was just a game!
And I didn't touch that lying dwarf!

run away! He's toxic!

Fake news ray. Goat!
You've ruined my fine reputation.

You seem to need a friend.

And maybe a change of look?

Amen to that.

I got rid of Junior. Jim is a sh*t
in the dark.

Larson and Timmy are the only ones

Play like a man.

You know what I'm talking about,
your handsome bastard.

candy. What a delight.
We never see you.

no blame,
but I haven't seen you for a long time.

Do I look taller to you?

- I feel this.

Do I look more pregnant to you?

- Tip.
- Wow!

Are you pregnant?
What did the doctor say?

- I didn't go to the doctor.
- And the test?

- I didn't.
- And the period?

No! I know my body.

And carries the Little One's sister.
Probably Symone.

Sorry. I was wrong.

Don't say it at work.

Larson fires pregnant women.

And he's been f*cking two workers.

Identical twins.

Is it?

The baby shower is on Saturday night.

On Halloween?
It's Santa's party.

I'm the host this year.

It's almost a holiday in the North Pole.

What follows? Mother's Day?

For. Heavens, don't cry.
I can do both.

I pass by here
and then I'll meet him.

But I have to go to work.

You don't need to give me anything.

I prefer a gift voucher,
because I don't trust your taste.

I made a gift for Santa Claus

And, well, I wanted to know his opinion,
since they work so much together.

Yes, I know his taste.


- But it doesn't look a bit...
- A little like what?

The perfect gift for man
who has everything?

Bravo, Timmy! Angry!

Okay, I'm very busy.
Tight schedule. I have to go.

We're almost there, Hans-Otto.

Map of places? Done.
Drinks? Done. Appetizer? Done!

Help me. you are in charge
of ice sculptures.

everyone adores them,

but if you gather babies for the party,
call me monster.

sorry i have to cry
with the evil exposed here.

Do not follow me!

Wow. didn't know it was
the day of photography.

You're as elegant as Devin.

I'm just trying to up the ante.

I want to talk to you about something.
But I'm really nervous.

That's so flattering.

Are you afraid of me too?

Always wanted
that someone had.

- Undoubtedly. blurred.
- Good!

Here goes:
if you are the Successor,

I want to be Number Two!

I'm not just a slob.
I want a career.

See this conversation.
And the ambition? I loved!

Lots of candy at the time of sales.

As for being Number Two,
with a lot of training

I imagine it happening
In a few years.

But I promise nothing.

Fifteen years, but no promises?

candy! are you doing
a boy's dreams!


You'll never get far by turning
your boss.

- I'll write it down.
- To work.

I plan the party.

Brent made a lot of good toasts,
"we love you" and such.

I want to go further! I'm thinking
in making a roast.

Men love it!

The hidden brutality
under the veil of light enjoyment?

Yea! When I turned years old,

the Horse spent minutes
talking about my fat ass.

That night I laughed so hard
that I cried myself to sleep.

That's not why.

The roasts are fun
when you have good material.

And I have.

I can't stop eating.

When I got pregnant with Little One,
I just wanted Oreos.

Isn't he cannibal?
How do I eat deer?

Ladies. Goldie!

An invitation to the party
from Santa Claus?

Wasn't it just for work people?

Yeah, but I'm at Santa Inc.

and I received an invitation to take someone

to the biggest event of the year at the North Pole,

beyond Christmas.

And you are the only one
that I want to invite

My God, how darling!

I can't. It's baby shower night
from Cookie.

My God, what a dear!

You can reject me, but I'll come back.

Dyslexics don't give up!

It was great.

Sorry to shout that I was
to f*ck a leprechaun.

- It doesn't mean anything.
- Happy birthday,


Now, maybe you want oral sex.

Yes, I take another Viagra,

and then I'll have another erection and...

- I meant me.
- What? On my birthday?

Yea! get under the blankets

and make a minet for your wife,
since Biggie k*lled Tupac!

I can not help. I am sick.

Yes, I have a fever.

I know you're lying.
I can see you floating.

I have to go. You made me late.

I'm not the one taking ecstasy!
Give me the drug.

Have fun at the party.
Let's spend the night at home.

I'm going to see a documentary
about the First w*r.

I will always regret not having
been in the w*r.

I'll take care of the taxes.

I knew they were going to crash.

But don't embarrass me
until the end of the roast.

It's going to be the best Santa Claus party.

Can you talk about coal miners

Exposure to this audience
will help the cause.

Today is just to celebrate.

Not depressing sh*t.

Miners are not depressing!

Tony knows. He has gone there.

Being there gave me a cough.

And that's all, evil world.


Yes, the miners' cause
it's nothing depressing.

Oh sh*t.

Candy can't come,
but it will make up for it.

Sorry, Cook.

I think I used this party
as an excuse

to spend time with her.

Go to Santa's party with Devin.

- You do not mind?
- Of course yes.

I will speak ill of you for years.
But I can't control you.

I'm kidding!
I have Craig and Little One.

Get out of here, b*tch.

It was the most sentimental "goat"
that already said.

Craig? we are staying
no ham!

Happy birthday, Santa Claus.

Tonight there will be cake.
There will be gifts.

And yes, there will be blood.

not royal blood,
but metaphorical blood.

Nice gangster costume.

This cup is dirty. Unacceptable.
It's Santa's party!

Take them all back.

Pinocchio is the summary
from an old tale...

Sexual and hilarious.

Yes, I'm the character The Great
Gatsby from the book The Great Gatsby.

- You look beautiful.
- I'm Tonya Harding.

The first to make a triple axis.

A tough guy and an athlete.

Double vodka martini, pure.

It's for now. I love your suit
Mrs. Christmas.

Want your dirty martini?

Make him unclean.

So filthy we have
to call ASAE.

Welcome to the Feast
of Santa Claus!

It's big, Ladies and Gums!

Shut up or I'll k*ll you!

But first, some of the competitors
to Succession

would you like to talk to Santa Claus
on your big day.

At first,
I thought of the safe gifts,

a subscription
to the Cupcake of the Month Club,

but then i thought,
how about two cupcakes a month?

Unfortunately, it doesn't exist.

And now, without further ado,

I would like to reveal to you
my gift to Santa Claus.

A toy
that represents your life.

My God.


dear, did you like
to meet Santa Claus?

Mr. Lobster Claws.

Tonight, we heard beautiful toasts.

But now let's get to the fun.

A roast, not from Santa Claus, from the
my colleagues in Succession.

Yea! I love a roast!

The first of the rivals,

But God is a bad game of golf
they've already taken care of him.

f*ck it!

Let's go to Jim.

He had a hard life,
why get worse?

You're being too nice.
be bad!

Hold the reindeer, birthday girl.
And our Timmy?

He only talks about toys.

I didn't know you liked history,
until you see the gift for Santa Claus.

He scared me out of six million
in different ways.

I didn't see that when I drew it.
I did not notice!

You are listening? I did not notice!

I did not notice! Am I helping?

- It's n*zi.
- Big sh*t!

It was the best
moment of my life.

ass face.

My God, it was horrible.
Let's continue with something sweeter.

Or someone sweeter.

Our Larson,
Chocolate King.

and supporter
of women's rights,

Not to mention tits and ass.

Oh! I wish.

Married for years!
I don't need to betray her.

Me and my wife are
always f*cking! One h*t me!

Larson. you told me
that never f*ck!

Wait. What?
You don't even have a vag*na.

- A traitor like Santa Claus?
- A swinger as a Successor?

This will alienate evangelicals.

Complete m*ssacre.

I'm so shocked
and I'm sorry about what happened.

I had no idea that a roast
so light would be so harmful.

Sorry there!

Do not be sorry!

A party mixed with gifts,
toasts, roast, n*zi and gossip?

It was the best birthday ever.

Thank you, Santa Claus.

Now let's go to the moment
that we've all been waiting for, yeah?

Important people of Santa Inc.!

Miners are the heroes
devalued from Santa Inc.

and you treat us like a dog.


so tonight,
we sing to you our situation.

Mines make me sick
But not like my d*ck

Stop it!
They're ruining the party!

Nobody cares!

candy! How were you able?
You're a miner's daughter!

Jumping out of a cake!

Congratulations, big guy!

Santa Claus and the Board, all
have coal dust on their hands!

This is a lot.

- My God.
- Call the .

It's not our fault.

- I was in the Bahamas.
- Heavens!

essential services
are down.

- And the sled?
- sh*t.

- At the mechanic!
- What we do?

Follow me!

I'll take care of you, Santa Claus.

- My God.
- Gordo's here!

- Ten units of eggnog!
- My God.

Save Santa Claus, please!

It's very strong.
It's impossible not to be fine.

What helps you is love
of my best friend.

I'm talking about Christ!
My friend JC!

accept Jesus
with this baptism.

- Save your soul and that of Santa Claus.
- Drop it!

I have good news and bad news.

The good thing: Santa Claus is stable.

The bad: the stable condition
It's an induced coma.

It's good news, give us
time to prepare

for a long surgery.

what is bad,

why not have dinner at home
and today is lasagna

and I, like Garfield,
I love lasagna.

That's bad news for me.

He is well. we have no choice

if not to carry out the article
seven, subsection B of the North Pole:

"When a Santa
becomes disabled,

the direction must anoint
an interim."

Normally it would be the Successor,

but how is he manipulating us

as if you were on a reality show,

we are required to go with the member
highest of Santa Inc.

which in this case would be...

I, Candy Smalls,

I solemnly swear to honor all
Christmas traditions and spirits

and i will do my best
to preserve and protect...

Well, well, if it's not the first
Santa Claus peeing while sitting.

There are news from the state
from Santa Claus?

- Is d*ad?
- He's still in surgery.

Oh! We achieved! Yup.
You are ugly losers!

Me and Candy, but more me,
we are sexy winners.

Enough, Jeremy.
You are lazy and conceited.

I thought you would grow up and change.
You're fired!

candy! How can you do this to me?
Wait, I have unemployment?

'Cause if you do, that's fine.
but if not, you are no good!

the cookie
went into labor.

Craig said
that something went wrong.

The Little Santa Claus on the move.

This is all bullshit.

I'm sorry the coffee is so bad.

- I hate hospitals.
- Me too.

When I was getting divorced,

I read something about how after all

we just have to hide the worries

and have faith that in the morning they will have

this is from the memories
of the Tooth Fairy.

I just read this!
I'm disguised as her!

Yup. So it is.
Isn't she awesome?

The Tooth Fairy is
the only independent woman

across the party industry.
-She really is.

I wish we all had
the courage of that woman, I...

Sorry, I have to go.

If you need something,

knock on Thirsty Deer's door
and i will be there.

- Cookie. You are fine?
- I have bad news.

I gave birth to a roasted ham
of , kg with honey.

It was a hysterical pregnancy.
Simone was a ham!

So, you're fine. What a relief.

But did you know? I'm Santa Claus
Interim! Isn't it cool?

Ho, ho, ho! Oh!

I hope he is OK.
f*ck, I'm hungry!

- So insensitive.
- Then?

An elf can no longer eat
Rye bread?

You missed the baby shower before
we knew he was ham,

but it was important to her.

Are you talking about supporting Cookie?

- You f*cked her godfather!
- And? It's normal!

- At the ceremony?
- My mother is still crying.

when she talks about it.
- I just say...

I was always on your side.

And now, maybe it's being a
little selfish...

I thought they would.

We've been forgiving you a lot lately.

And, Candy,
I saw your face during the roast.

You were very cruel.
I didn't even recognize you.

There's news
of Santa Claus state.

He is d*ad? To mean,
he is fine? He is?

- I don't know.
- I have to go. I will be back later.

And after three years,
f*re me. It's so unfair.

I deserve a raise
and an assistant.

Agree, right?

Did you hear what I said?

My last words are...

...you seem too cocky.

I don't know who it was for
but i hope you learn.

It was arrhythmia.
Santa Claus is with him.

- Are you really going to be okay?
- Yea!

- Why are they scared?
- Because it's full of blood!

And chocolate. A nurse
brought brownies.

But I fear that these delights
don't survive.

As soon as it recovers, it has to nominate
a Successor.

And Devin didn't stop for the snow
until I bring you here.

he is gr

but it doesn't look strong.

It's like when a mother gets up
a baby van.

He saw me, his hero,
in trouble and gave it all.

Santa Claus!
Glad you're fine.

It's true what they say, that
you have a very big heart.

It wasn't his heart.

The cervix implants burst,
leading to septicemia.

I thought they were indestructible,

part titanium and part dinosaur.

Me too, but a
special situation that undid them.

candy, today

I made a minete to Mother Christmas...

She doesn't need this information!

Need, and it's okay.

Only, to put the tongue
at the right angle,

I have to open my legs
like a dog on a rug.

This is so humiliating.

The man of the moment!

Goes into.

Because you carried me so much,

I can only say with deep
and sincere gratitude,

that I owe you.

I'm glad I helped.

I know it's late
but I have special guests.

Come on, rascals.
What did they mean?

Best wishes, Santa Claus!

It was better than medicine!

except morphine,
which is much better.

Santa Claus needs to rest.
The party is over. Outside.

- The bazaar. bye.
- An elf.

I like your ears.

Don't touch me there!
Are sensitive!

No! Bad kid! Calm.

Drop me at three. One two...

- Stop Please! Stop, damn it!
- Come here, shorty.

What a crap night.

My God, it got even worse.

Let's stay with the uncle.

Despite having a mink farm.

It's better than being with you.
You are the worst.

I don't sleep in this house anymore
a night with a traitor!

I fully agree.

I just came back to kick you out of the house!

I can't believe the sh*t they did
at the party. The traitors are you!

- Candy, I finally found you.
- Snowy?

I've been in Father's office for so long
time I wasted.

But I have to tell you.

Yesterday I heard Santa Claus say
who will choose as successor.

It's crazy, isn't it?

Yes, crazy.
And the name, please?

My God, I forgot to say.

I've been on that globe for so long,
I'm a little cloudy.

Dammit, Snowy, who is it?

Santa Claus chose you!

Now I'll make up for lost time.

seventeen years ago,
I want a Cobb salad.

Got it, won.
Will I go down in history?

Everyone is stupid except me!

There are no good salads
in a snow globe!

Got you, you icy idiot!

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