09x13 - Squid Plus One/The Executive Treatment

[bunniefuu]

- Are you ready, kids?

Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you. Aye, aye, Captain!

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants! - Ready?

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants!

- Hey!

Whatcha doing?

- I'm busy!

- How busy would you say you are

on a scale of eight to nine?

- !

- Squidward, I'm no mathematologist

but that seems like a lot.

- It is!

- Okay, quick survey!

Are you "busy-busy" or just "busy"?

- What's "busy-busy"?

No, no, no, don't tell me, don't tell me!

Don't tell me anything.

Don't even tell me what you're doing here.

- I found a jump rope.

- I said not to tell me!

You're ruining my perfect afternoon.

I'm spending some quality time

with someone who is very important to me.

- Oh, who's the lucky--

- Ah, perfectly browned toast points.

Sparkling kelp juice.

Here's to me.

Oh, that simpering buffoon!

- You have a great vocabulary.

- I know.

- Indubitably.

- Go away!

- Okay.

- Wait! I thought you were some other idiot.

- No, I guess I'm just this idiot.

Why... It's beautiful.

- "You are cordially invited to the fanciest and shmansiest

"artistic event of the season,

the opening of Galleria Diphtheria..."

Oh, I've heard of that!

"Bikini Bottom's most exclusive fine arts showcase.

"This invitation guarantees the admittance

"of Squidward Tentacles...

"Squidward Tentacles

Ploos Onay?"

- It's a plus one.

- Aah! What are you still doing here?

- It's not Ploos Onay.

It says "plus one."

- Plus one.

Oh, yeah, of course, plus one.

Sure... What's a plus one?

- Well, when you get an invitation to a party,

sometimes they put "plus one" on it to tell you it's okay

to bring along a friend.

- Do you have to do it?

- Well, no, you could go alone.

It's just that everyone would laugh at you,

'cause they'd think you were a friendless loser.

- What? Do you want me to call your supervisor

and tell him you're just standing around?

- You need to find a friend to take as your plus one.

Somebody like me?

- Aah! - I like openings.

- No! Not like you.

- Come on, jump rope. I guess it's just you and me.

- Let's see here... Friends!

Friends.

Friends.

Hmm. Yeah.

I wonder if I still have my receipt for this thing.

No big deal.

Anybody can make a friend by...

Tonight?

Let's see, there must be someone.

Who's a real part of your life, Squidward?

Who do you see every single day?

Who do you know like the back of your suction cups?

But of course! It's so simple.

- Spongebob, I have something to ask you.

- Of course I'll go to the opening with you!

- That wasn't the question.

Which way did the mailman go?

He said he had a package for the Widow Duncan.

I think he went--

- And then you just initial it there, and we're all set.

- Hey! There you are!

- Not in the face!

- What? What are you...?

You always were a big kidder, huh?

M-Mailman...Guy.

- Actually I am not a kidder.

I'm much more of an introvert.

- I love introverts!

Why, I'm an introvert!

- You are?

- Say, I bet we have a lot in common.

- Oh, gee, I don't know.

I'm just a regular guy.

When I'm not being a mailman,

I love going to fancy art galleries.

- That's me!

- And eating delicious food.

- Oh, delicious food is my favorite kind of food!

Especially when that delicious food is something you can...

Spread on a toast point!

- Once you've had pointed toast,

you just never want any other kind.

- Right?

And if there's one thing I hate, it's...

- Spongebob. - Clarinets.

- Yeah, I know it--what?

- I mean, what kind of maniac

can enjoy the sound of a clarinet?

That squeaky, hollow, kind of piercing howl

from the very pits of Gehenna.

Only a deluded blowhard with nothing to lose

could pick up a--ugh--clarinet and think,

“Yeah, this is for me.

Let me inflict this pain on the world."

Am I right, buddy?

Buddy?

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Why are you so darn opinionated, Norton?

All you do with your searing yet admirable honesty

is drive everyone away.

When's Norton's time?

When's Norton's time to shine?

- Oh, Norton!

I've always taken a shine to you.

- Oh, you think you know a guy.

Oh, who are you kidding?

It's not in the cards for you.

I bet not even this old tin can would be my friend.

- I'll be your friend.

- Who is this? - It's me, Spongebob.

- Spongebob!

- Yes, I'm still here.

- I need to ask you something important.

- You don't have to ask me three times!

- Will you tell Larry I want to talk to him?

Okie doke.

- So, Squidward, whatcha wanna talk about?

- Well, it's kind of hard to put into words.

- Oh, I've been there, amigo.

- You have? - Sure!

But nothing clears the sawdust out of your brains

quicker than a ride on a jet ski.

Ever been on one of these little babies?

- Uh, no, they always seemed a little...

sporty for me.

- Well, you only live once.

And I just happen to have an extra helmet.

- What the heck.

- Hey!

- We make quite a team!

- I'll say!

- You know, earlier today I met a jerk

who said he didn't like clarinet music.

- Hey, you know, that's very un-cool.

What kind of thoughtless ding dong

would knock another man's passion?

- You know, you're all right, Lester.

- It's Larry. - Whatever.

The point is, do you want to go with me

to a gallery opening tonight?

- Well, that's not my kind of thing at all,

but for you, sure.

I just need to stop by the apartment

and make myself a protein shake.

- What? You don't need that glop.

- Oh, I wouldn't call it glop.

Protein shakes saved my life, bro.

- Oh, come on. It's a fad.

You don't want to be one of those mindless rubes

who marches around in a constant haze of stupidity.

"I love protein shakes.

"I'm the most gullible rube on the planet.

"Duh, duh, duh.

Give me my stupid protein shake."

- I mean...

So, we still on for tonight?

: -ish?

I guess it's just you and me again.

Ugh, what are you doing here?

- Just playing draggy rope. You want to play?

- No.

You hold onto one end of the rope,

and you drag it behind you like a sea snake is chasing you.

Like this. Want to play?

- Just get me out of here.

- Will do.

- Thanks.

- Anything for a friend.

- Friend?

Would you be my plus one?

Come on, Spongebob.

- And here comes Squidward Tentacles in what must be either

a bizarre piece of performance art

or the saddest display of loneliness

it has ever been my displeasure to report.

One is inclined to suspect the second thing I said.

The thing about sadness.

- You'll always be my plus one.

- Aww.

- All right, hold on a second, you freeloader.

What are you doing here?

- I'm here for lunch.

- Did you bring money this time?

- Yes.

Let me see that.

All right, tastes real. Now get in line.

- Yes, sir.

- Hey, how's that new Executive Treatment sandwich treating you?

'Cause it's hitting all the quadrants of my hunger markets.

- Mmm, quadrants.

- You know, it reminds me of something I was saying

about business the other day.

- The satisfaction earnings of the fourth quarter of my lunch

are off the charts.

- And I love the way it tastes.

- And business, my friend,

is the business that I'm talking about.

- Well, one can't have business without business, right?

- Interesting point, Marv. How's your sandwich?

- Absolutely spectacular.

This new menu item is a business plan

I can really get behind.

- I tell you, this is one dynamic little sandwich.

- With levels of proactiveness that are off the charts,

business-wise.

- It really appeals to my demographic.

- Well, you are an executive

in the fast-paced world of business.

- Ha ha! That's for sure.

- These guys talk funny words.

- Oh, yeah, they're a riot. What can I get you?

- I guess I'll have one of these business sandwiches

everybody's talking about.

- Ah, the Executive Treatment. - Is that what you call it?

- Well, that's what Mister Krabs makes me call it.

It's really just a Krabby Patty that costs more,

and Spongebob wears a different tie when he makes it.

- Oh, wow. I'll take seven.

- Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

The executive treatment is available to executives only.

I'm not sorry.

- But I've never wanted anything so much in my whole life

since this morning when I wanted a doughnut

and I ate that doughnut

and it was great.

That doughnut is gone.

The doughnut is gone!

- First of all, a lot of that doughnut is still on your face.

- Now, where's my Executive Treatment?

- I told you, it's for executives only.

And you aren't even dressed like an executive.

I could, of course, sell you

an official Krusty Krab business tie for only $ .

- Will the tie let me order the Executive Treatment?

- Not on its own, no, but you could Krabby-size the tie

and get a set of business glasses

for an additional $ .

- Oh, ho ho, I'd be stupid not to.

- Well, you're half right.

- Here's your bucks.

- Here's your glasses. - Thanks.

I'll take one Executive Treatment, my good man.

- Here's your Executive Treatment.

- Here you go.

- Oh, man.

That looks executively delicious.

- Carl, what are you doing standing around

at a time like this?

We're gonna be late for the big brainstorming meeting.

Business. Business. Business. Business.

- Save my sandwich for me, Squidward!

Squidward!

- Ah, I'll save it all right.

I'll just put it here in the circular file.

- What are you doing throwing away

a perfectly sellable sandwich?

Business. Business. Business.

- No! Oh, no!

Business. Business. Business.

Business, business, business, business, business.

Business, business, business, business.

- No!

No!

Business. Business.

- Not B!

No!

- Wow, you're very upset about Conference Room B.

And I can't say I blame you,

because Conference Room B

is the most terrifying conference room

in the whole building.

More people have been fired in here

than all the other conference rooms combined.

- Save it for the big brainstorming meeting.

Right here is where all the biggest business decisions

in the business are made.

Why, if an imposter were to be caught in here? Mm.

- He'd be given a sandwich and sent on his way?

- No. He'd be convicted as a corporate spy

and sent to jail forever and ever and ever.

Hey, where you going?

- I think I forgot to...

water my manatee. I'll just--

- Gentlemen. Ladies.

- Where am I?

- Exactly.

I like you, young man.

Everybody scoot down so he can sit next to me

and I won't intimidate him at all

by my terrifying largeness and proximity.

As this junior executive so eloquently put it,

where exactly are we?

- Sir, if you take a look at this,

I believe you'll agree that we're perfectly positioned

for our marketing to be number one

across the business sector.

Business. Business. Business.

- What I need is a straight answer,

not a bunch of meaningless charts.

What do you give a disappointed stockholder

to make him feel better?

- A sandwich?

- Get a load of this guy! A sandwich.

- This guy has sandwiches on the brain.

- No, I don't.

- That's just about the silliest piece of idea.

- All right, hold it.

Now all of you just hold it right there.

It's easy to laugh and josh and heap a man with scorn

when you hear an idea that stands out

because it's so unusual.

So everybody just stop and think for a minute

about what your colleague here is really trying to say.

Because I want to be the one to tell him,

"That's the silliest thing I ever heard."

- What if I have a meaningless chart?

- Yes. Maybe I was too hasty about that.

- Oh, good.

- Well, you've definitely given new meaning

to the word "meaningless."

- Oh, wait.

And here's a little house with smoke coming out of the chimney.

See what I mean?

- I guess he liked my chart. He's smiling.

- He smiles like that when he's really angry.

He does, does it every time.

- Do you slap your palms down on the table like that, too?

- Yes. - Oh.

- I don't know who you are, but you better not be an imposter.

You know what happens to imposters

in Conference Room B?

- Well, uh, let's see. Don't tell me.

I know it's not sandwiches.

They don't get sandwiches. Do they?

- Mister, this is the last straw.

Aww.

- I'm going to give you just more chances to prove yourself.

Montage.

- Jenkins? - Yes, sir.

- Moustache.

- Ooh, here you are, sir.

And so in conclusion,

I would like to submit my official report.

- You know, kid, we need somebody like you around here.

- You do? - For me to fire.

- Oh, yeah? Well...

I've got a surprise for you.

Where'd he go?

- You can't fire me.

I'm not an executive at all.

I'm just a guy who happens to like sandwiches.

So go ahead.

Send me away forever as a corporate spy if you want to,

but not before I've had my say.

- You have a visitor.

- Who is it?

- Hello, Patrick. - Hi, Spongebob.

- Hey, I heard you're in charge of

the laundry room on Thursdays. That's nice.

- Yeah.

Yeah, it's pretty nice, I guess.

- You know what that makes you? - Uh-uh.

- An executive!

- Oh, wait!

Is that what I think it is?

An Executive Treatment.

What happened to prisoner ?

- Let's go home, Spongebob.

- Okay. But who are you?

Who am I?

- No, seriously, who are you?