04x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

I always think how well you look, hatless amid the broccoli.

It's mainly cabbage.

I don't think that seriously modifies my observation.

Is he attending to you, Mrs Hussein? Not as well as I'd like.

Well, she comes right out with it.

Could I point out that this is only a starter sample of the options available? LEROY YAWNS I'm not giving the till any money this morning, so if it's listening, it should understand that I'm merely walking past, on my way to another errand entirely.

Ah! GRANVILLE CHUCKLES Gotcha! In you go.

Right, I I said, "In you go".

In you In! This till has got to be retired.

Ow! Serves you right.

You should get a new one.

Your Great Uncle Arkwright is living in there somewhere.

It's just a till! GRANVILLE COUGHS And to think you only used to believe in money.

The spirit of the till will not reveal itself to you because GRANVILLE COUGHS .

.

you're young, and you think you know it all.

Right, what am I having for me breakfast? Gastric, YOU are supposed to tell US.

Not round here.

He sells you stuff he wants to get rid of.

Good morning, Gastric.

Morning.

Look at this.

Fresh kippers, there, look.

A gentleman's breakfast.

And that is fresh from the smokery.

You see? I'll take a pair.

I can pick the bones out me teeth while I'm pondering.

Deep thoughts? Why not? Did you think I were thick? Never.

Not once.

Even when you thought Colchester were a lung infection.

Colchester.

I'm told me Uncle Willie had it.

Did he get better? No.

Well, he probably DID have it, then.

I'll tell you what I've got - problems with that Madge.

I'm at a crossroads.

I'm in the dark.

Well, I think we can help you with that.

Well, why would you bother? I've already bought two kippers.

Gastric, everything's not about money.

You bring your problems in here, you know, and I like that.

You feel you're in the dark? Right.

We have the answer.

I'm listening.

Here it is.

One solid steel all-weather torch with a wrist strap with flashing capabilities for emergencies, batteries not included.

Thank you.

Right.

Are you sure this butter's fresh? Mm? GRANVILLE SIGHS Yes, it's perfectly fresh.

Oh.

There was poor Gastric, looking for a bit of sympathy, and what does he get? A flashlight.

The man said he were in a dark place.

Mentally! It's Madge.

He's worried she might be leaving.

I'm worried she might be leaving if she's taking Mavis with her.

He's concerned that he's getting nowhere with Madge.

Well, he should take her out more often, shouldn't he, eh? Can you name one single night when he's ever taken her out? Eh? No! Well, he's got no excuse now, because he got a torch! And do you know what you said to me? "The bathroom needs new tiles.

" Is that so terrible? I was trying to kiss you at the time! I had both hands full with your dinner.

You pick a hell of a time.

In days gone by, you would have put down the plates.

Today, I'm just part of the furniture.

If you're sulking because of how long it is since you've had a polish, then you can forget it! You used to look at me, and it was like .

.

a light bulb going on.

I'm talking 200 watts.

Are we going into town or aren't we? Nowadays, I'm lucky if I get 40.

I mean, how much excitement can you get from 40 watts? Stop bragging.

You peak at 30.

Go for it.

Up your game, now.

Invite her out.

Tonight.

To be honest, I have trouble getting past, "Hello, Madge".

I'm OK as far as, "Hello, Madge".

Do you want me to come with you? Yes.

No.

He's got to do this.

Tell her you want to take her somewhere nice.

A little token of appreciation for all of the Ferocious rollickings she gives him.

Mm.

It gets so you nearly enjoy it.

It's like being wrapped in warm nettles.

Tell her we're all going out posh tonight, and you want to take her with us.

Does that come straight after "Hello, Madge," or do I have to? Just will you go?! And how is Mrs Roper? Oh, it's our 40th next month.

Oh, you must be getting used to each other by now, then.

People ask me, "What's the secret?" And I say, "It's simple.

"The man has to be in charge.

" Oh! Is Mrs Roper aware of that? Oh, you don't tell her.

You go about it crafty.

And you might, if you're really cunning, go as far as letting her think that SHE'S in charge.

Well, you seem to have pulled that one off, Mr Roper.

Well, is there anything else? No, no, you're fine.

You don't get to 40 years without learning a few tricks.

No, that's true.

Oh, that'll be £5 for the kippers then, please.

Oh, thank you.

Right.

Did Mrs Roper get her torch? Torch? Yes, last time she was in, she said she wanted a torch for emergencies, and, well, I hadn't got one in at the time.

Emergencies? I handle the emergencies.

She probably thinks that you've noticed that she needs a torch for emergencies.

I mean, you being, you know, in charge.

Yeah, that's true.

She relies on me.

Of course.

Well, after 40 years, I expect you get like that, don't you? You know, practically knowing each other's thoughts.

Yes, you do.

Have you got a torch in now? Funnily enough, I got some in specially, yes.

There you are.

That's a solid steel all-weather torch with a wrist strap and flashing capabilities for emergencies, batteries not included.

I'd better take one.

Decisions - I like that.

I like that - shows that you're in charge.

Right, so that's £15 for the torch, £5 for the kippers - that's exactly £20.

Well done.

You just owe me for the batteries.

GRANVILLE HUMS You two really are twitchy.

Have you thought about Doctor Proctor's nerve tonic? No! Hey, this is too serious.

We're not buying any rubbish.

Oh, that IS serious.

Be gentle with us.

Go easy for once.

You sold us an ice cream, we only came in for advice.

It's no good appealing to his better nature.

He's never known the perils of matrimony.

GRANVILLE CHUCKLES What? You two only have to deal with one housewife.

Me, I have to deal with at least 20 housewives a day.

If you want any advice about how to handle wives, you have come to the right place.

We're listening.

But, hey .

.

no Doctor Proctor's, eh? The trouble is, with you two, your wives are taking you for granted.

Now, they wouldn't do if they thought that you were seeing another woman.

BOTH: She'd k*ll him! I don't mean a real other woman.

What I mean is, you get a friend of yours to put on a wig, and just dress up a bit.

That's a big bit! Where do we find somebody as loopy as that? Uh-uh! Then, I'm sorry, gentlemen, we do not carry one in stock.

You're just going to have to look up your long list of acquaintances.

Thank you.

BOTH: Newbold! Oh, is he not in? Duty calls him elsewhere at the moment, Mrs Featherstone.

Can I be of assistance? Are you qualified for the mature person? You always make me feel as if I'm involved with a toy boy.

I didn't mean, "Can I be of that much assistance?" I've never been happy disclosing my needs to persons of your generation.

You're always very polite, but God knows what you get up to on the internet.

Is there any specific reason you don't like me attending to you? I have seen you covered in trollop, up to your eyebrows in trainee hussies.

Not recently, Mrs Featherstone.

I'm chasing a vegan.

Are there any left? You could do worse than model yourself on Mr Newbold.

He is a man of impeccable self-restraint.

Damn near soporific.

Don't be shy of asking me.

What are friends for? What can I do for you? Tell him.

I'm telling him! I'm choosing the words.

What if our wives got the idea that we were showing an interest in another woman? But of course, on account of the mortal danger it would involve .

.

we can't afford to get mixed up with a REAL other woman.

So, we need to be seen, if only at a distance, .

.

in the company of, shall we say .

.

a strange woman.

In which case, your help would prove invaluable.

I already have a strange woman.

And I doubt whether you'd want one as strange as that.

We need an illusion of a woman.

Oh, she's no illusion.

Woman enough to get the rumours circulating.

Mm.

But, hang on .

.

I'm getting an idea here.

What you need .

.

is some chap.

Go on.

It's a lot to ask.

He'd have to be very well disposed towards you.

An absolute jewel.

Top of the heap.

Someone willing to play the part .

.

of a lady.

Now, don't dismiss it out of hand.

Oh, no.

I realise it's a big step.

And where are you likely to find an idiot like that? No! Absolutely not! I don't really need a torch.

You need a proper restaurant.

You can't take Madge and Mavis to some greasy spoon.

I know it's not that you lack the nerve, but really.

Thank you.

Ah! Oh! Ah! Yes, but if I'm paying, you know that my digestive system can't handle expensive.

I'm told this restaurant's reasonable.

Huh.

I shan't enjoy it.

I'll be wondering about how you're getting on minding the shop.

But I'm not minding the shop.

I'm going with you.

I've invited a young lady.

Well, who's minding the shop? Take a deep breath, listen to me .

.

can't we close early, for once? You see what he thinks? Well, what do YOU think? I'm with him.

GRANVILLE HUMS Oh! By the look of you two, this is not happy hour.

Old Newbold won't do it.

He refuses flatly to go girlie.

No problem.

You do it yourselves.

You become your own other woman.

One of you goes female, and then you take turns so that you can both be seen out with another woman.

Would I want to be seen out with him? Hey! I don't fancy you that much, either.

Listen, you're not going to get married, you're just doing it to start a rumour, aren't you? All right, I'll tell you what - we'll toss a coin for who goes female first.

Right.

Arkwright, can I borrow a coin? Thank you.

I shall return it.

Right, I'm going to toss the coin, you call.

Loser goes first.

Tails.

Heads.

Oh! GRANVILLE CHUCKLES Hello, sweetie.

CYRIL LAUGHS Come away.

It's locked and bolted.

Not to mention locked and bolted.

GRANVILLE GRUNTS Oh, you've overloaded the money belt.

I'm not leaving my innocent money to get into the clutches of evil toerags.

Who parked that thing there? I've no idea.

What's he doing now? He's telling Arkwright to keep an eye on the shop.

Don't ask.

Right, I'll see you at the restaurant.

Hang on a minute.

Oh, now what? It's all right.

No, I'll be back in a flash.

Oh! Oh, my first customer.

What a pity he's badly bent.

Ah! Oh! Only a temporary Listen, if you see anybody going to the shop, give them a whistle and get them back over here, cos I've stocked you well up.

I'm on a power trip.

And if they look half kettled, sell them a torch.

I'll torch them to death.

Yes! Trust me, I'm on a roll.

Good.

Now, any problems, give me a call, all right? Or I could call Leroy, save you the trouble.

Straighten up.

You're walking like your elastic's gone! This is as straight as it gets without doing some serious damage.

Get in! Oh! Can we get the old gentleman a chair? Well, what's anybody having? A coronary.

Every time I see these prices, my money belt gives a twinge.

You're out of touch.

How long is it since you last went out for a meal? I'll tell you how long it's going to be before I go out for the next one.

Well, you only live once.

You can't afford twice! MONEY BELT CREAKS Oh! Do you live in town, Beth? Just on the outskirts.

She's a vegan.

Still, I don't see why they can't let her into town! I only mention it to explain why we'll be having our own table.

You wouldn't want to be sat next to a couple of people crunching through salad, would you? So, what will you be having? Oh My favourite salad.

Oh, isn't love grand? How long have you been on salad? Since I showed him the benefits.

I can see where he sees the benefits.

And what can we get you people? A mortgage! Could you give us a couple more minutes? Certainly.

Give me a hand, will you? I've got to release this thing.

Oh, yes, thank you.

Excuse me.

MONEY JINGLES CREAKING That's better.

Thank you.

Thank you.

They'll all be at the restaurant.

It'll give you a chance to show them how close we're becoming.

They should know already.

You keep telling them.

There's nothing like them witnessing your show of affection.

"Show"? How much of a show? Well, just the usual courtesies.

I don't want you mauling me.

Much can be achieved by the right expression.

Just not the one you're wearing now.

I know him from some place.

Stop staring, it's rude.

There you go again.

You hate me, don't you? Not always.

Go on.

Tell her.

What, already? We haven't even eaten.

I was saving it for later.

Tell me what? Gastric doesn't want you to leave the area.

Nobody wants her to leave the area.

I keep telling her.

Mrs Duckett says the omens are wrong.

I keep reminding her what happened when she went to Bridlington.

I only went for a day.

Exactly.

If you can't get a day right, where do you get the nerve to try forever? Oh, go on, girl! I love it when you're roused.

Thank you.

I'll have the squid.

Hey, you do know that a squid has eight arms? Given the right circumstances, I can do a very good impression.

I know! Who's that with Cyril? And why did he bother? Oh, he'll look a bit sick when he sees us here.

Don't you start gossiping, otherwise you'll get him into trouble with his wife.

He's looking for trouble, bringing her here.

She must be some brazen slapper.

Who was that? Just a neighbour.

Probably his auntie.

Take your glasses off.

What, and be recog .

.

recognised? "Oh, look, there's Eric dressed as an old bag.

" Stop right there.

Forget that notion.

I wouldn't be caught dead with an old bag.

You're my escort for the evening, and therefore, you are .

.

beautiful.

Give over, will you? You're creeping me out.

Ooh, well! What a coincidence, seeing you people here.

Mr Newbold's always whisking me off for a little dolce vita.

Softening me up, I fear.

It makes you wonder what they have in mind.

Ooh, ooh GRANVILLE STRAINS Your father's weird.

Yeah.

I've noticed that.

I can see where you get yours from.

What? You think I'm weird? You came to the library dressed as a banana.

Only because my gherkin suit were at the dry cleaners.

We'll get the word out now.

She'll spread it.

What if people come over here? How are you going to introduce me? What am I called? Vera.

Bog off! That's a wife's name.

We're having an affair here, a hot fling.

I ought to be something more exotic.

You're getting carried away, hey? You're going over the top again.

I'm seeking authenticity.

It's not just the dress, you know.

I need to feel the person.

OK.

It's Dolores.

Feel that? Will you be able to spell it? Why would I want to spell it? Dolores likes to cover all the angles.

Maybe she's a perfectionist.

More like obsessive.

Oh, well, forgive me if Dolores is becoming too much of a bother! Crab apple jelly.

Sorry? You sold me crab apple, a boat-load of crab apple jelly.

Oh, yes.

That's right.

Well, tell your friends, and tell them to hurry, because stocks are limited.

"The old witch's recipe", you said.

Oh, yes.

Excuse me, won't you? Just a moment.

Yes, that'll be Mrs Duckett.

She pulled it off the old psychic internet.

"Guaranteed to revitalise your romance", you said.

Mm-hm? Does that look revitalised? I feed her bucketsful, and for what? Nothing.

I'll tell you what I do get, malice.

Did you get the additive? Oh, yes, yes.

You sold me Doctor Proctor's additive.

I've been lobbing drops in her every mouthful.

I see.

And did you wait for the trigger? Nobody mentioned a trigger.

Oh, well, that's it, isn't it? You forgot the trigger.

Now, I tell you what, you go back to her, with my blessing, take her home.

She will be more than you can handle when she hears any Frank Sinatra album.

So, Frank Sinatra's the trigger? Yes.

Take her home, put the music on, but make sure you're holding on to something firm.

Right? THEY LAUGH What are you doing under the table? Is this you staring at my legs? You dropped a napkin.

Well, there's no point in showing your affection under there.

Let them see it in your eyes.

Now, start with a bit of yearning.

Up your game, man.

Go for passionate.

And madam would like? I think I'll start with a ballotine of free-range chicken, with a maple-infused duck.

How much?! Oh! Ooh CREAKING AND GRANVILLE STRAINS What's your father doing? My head in.

CREAKING GRANVILLE SIGHS I suppose it's worth it if Madge is staying, hey? Who said I would stay? Shut up! Hello, Mavis! Hello, Granville.

Well, I must say, I thought that was delicious.

ROMANTIC MUSIC Once I get you up there Oh, hey! This is him.

Mr Cupid with his wonder jelly.

Oh Mm Oh, hey up! This is a one-way jelly, you know.

Oh, sorry.

No, I Tart! I Hey! DOOR CREAKS Kath.

I know who I am.

Who the hell are you? You're usually in bed.

Go on, explain yourself.

I'm not giving you time to think.

I want you to lie to me spontaneously.

But you should be in bed! Any other time, you'd have been in bed.

With your back to me.

I don't know you any more.

Who are you? Dolores.

Dolores? Couldn't you have picked something a bit more? Oh, all right, then! Vera.

Vera.

Yeah, better.

Although .

.

I do feel more of a Susan.

Susan.

I tell you what, Susan, Next time, let me do your face, eh? 'I'm going to have to review some prices round here 'to pay for that bill.

'I must say, that Mavis goes well with squid.

'I don't think our Leroy's going far with that vegan.

'I'd better get him some supper ready.

'He'll be starving after that salad.