01x06 - Pretend You're Someone Else

Episode transcripts for the TV show "q*eer As Folk" Aired: June 9, 2022 - present.
A re-imagining of the original series; set in New Orleans follows a diverse group of friends who find their lives transformed in the aftermath of a tragedy.
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01x06 - Pretend You're Someone Else

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- ♪ You, into you ♪

- John Brinda.
- Here.

- Brodie Beaumont.
- Here.

- PJ Carlin.
- Present.

- Michael Kalus.
- Here.

- Ryan Molina.
- Here.

♪ All the time ♪

[BLEEP] O'Neill.

♪ ♪

[BLEEP] O'Neill.

♪ ♪


Damn it, [BLEEP], I can see you.

♪ And you know I'm here waiting ♪

♪ Just to see into you ♪

♪ Into you, into you ♪




This is so unprofessional.

What would make you think this is okay?

I understand.


♪ ♪



So half of these are water,

half are vodka, and I
definitely mixed them up,

so I have no idea which is which.

Hey, babe?

Like, do we try them now
so we know which is which?

Or do we just play alcoholic roulette

- when we get to the parade?
- Okay.

- Here's another possibility.
- Huh?

What if we just stay home,
cuddle, and watch the news?

- "The news"?
- Yeah, you know the news.

Those channels that make me suicidal.

Uh, you have actively
avoided watching any coverage

of the sh**t's trial.

- And now you want to...
- And maybe that was a mistake.

- Okay, fine.

I don't care what happens to him,

and I have no desire to watch.

I don't want to go because I don't know

if I can see "he who must not be named"

- without punching him.
- Really?

My trans girlfriend is
quoting Harry Potter?

I'm reclaiming it.

Plus, it seems like something
that would piss off Joanne,

and that's a fun bonus.

Okay, I know you mad at Brodie, but...

Well, this is all his fault.

- What?

Ruthie, I am trying so
hard to be patient with you.

I really am. But are
you f*cking kidding me?

This is not a Brodie problem.

This is a you and Brodie problem.

He's a bad influence,
yeah, but you lie to me.

You sneak out. You.

You get that, huh?

And if you can't acknowledge
that after all of this,

I don't know what we doing here.

I do get that.



Now, the kids are at Brenda's.

We have the whole day to ourselves.

Can we please go to
this parade and have fun?


- Of course.
- Yaap.

You're making too big
of a deal about this.

Am I? Or are you delusional?

- Brodie, delusional?
- Never.

Ha ha, you're hilarious.

This is the perfect opportunity
for us to hash things out.

Think about it... we'll be
on a moving float together.

She can't run away.

That sounds like a really good idea.

Thank you.

Okay, I'm just gonna
throw this out there.

Have you ever considered
giving Ruthie some space?

No. I f*cked up.

I have to do something about it.

Sounds like drama.

Maybe I'll skip lunch
and go to the parade.

Wow. Is Noah a little scared?

I'm not scared.

I just don't know if I want
to have lunch with my dad,

I mean, 'cause our shit's complicated,

- and that's...
- Scary?

Shut up.

I mean, he's never even visited me here.

Well, he's here now, right?

I mean... that's progress.

[CHUCKLES] I guess?

But, like, what am I gonna
do with him, you know?

I made a list of possible things

that we could do after lunch.

, and of the things listed

are "sports bar" and
"bar to watch sports."

I mean... [SIGHS]

Maybe I'm overthinking it.

- What if I came to lunch?
- Instead of my dad?

[GASPS] That'd be so much more fun.

I'm serious. I'd love to meet him.

Also, I mean, after
all the amazing things

you've said about him,
it's like, how could I not?

I would love that.

But are you ready for that?

I grew up in the
Beaumont household, okay?

I'm immune to parental intimidation.

Also, I want to figure out your secrets.

You can tell a lot about someone

- from meeting their parents.
- Mm. Never mind.

Consider yourself
uninvited, you little spy.

[SIGHS] No one I've
ever dated has met him.

Well, I'd be honored to be the first.

Also, um, maybe we should
think about telling Brodie.

I mean, not that I'm passing the blame,

but why do these kids have
to film every f*cking moment

at every f*cking party anyways?

Can't they just live in the moment?

Is that too much to f*cking ask?

Maybe we wait to tell Brodie.



♪ ♪





Oh, okay, so try to
throw just one at a time.

And don't lob a bag at anyone's head.

But what if they deserve it?

That's a good question.

It's not a good question.

I thought it was.

All right, people, listen,

we're giving good
vibes, not concussions.

Every day the jury takes

is like a slap in our f*cking faces.

I swear, if he doesn't get
at least a life sentence,

- I'm gonna riot.
- Yeah?

You gonna flip a cop car?

- Okay, maybe not me.

But I am gonna watch the news coverage

of a Cane's getting looted with glee.

How are they still talking?
What is there to talk about?

- I have no idea...
- Ugh, and that interview

last night with the sh**t's cousin...

"You know, he was
always such a sweet guy."

Really, b*tch? Always?

'Cause I can think of a moment

where he wasn't that f*cking sweet.

Babe, I think maybe

you should take a break from watching.

Not gonna happen.

But you can punish me for it later.

What a sweetheart.

But I told you I have to work tonight.

Yeah, you do have to work tonight...

on this ass. Tshh.


♪ ♪

- [LAUGHS] Okay! Okay!
- Okay.

- You look amazing.
- Thank you. You too.

I'm sorry, but a f*cking soy latte?

The order of acceptable
coffee milks is oat, almond,

skim, %, whole, then soy.

Soy f*ck up my T levels.


I think this b*tch
may be a literal demon.

I know, but floats are expensive,

and Babyl-Strong put
up some of the money.

Why are we here?

'Cause we're trying
to give back some hope

to our community.


What? Is that dumb?


I was just expecting some bitchy aside

about enemas or some shit.

- We still got time for that.
- You nasty.

Brodie, I am so glad
we're double-teaming this.

We should... do that more often.

Now I feel unclean.

Hold up, wait a minute.

Your little float need Bussey in it.

♪ ♪


Do you really need to do that?

- Study? Yes.
- You have, like, a . GPA.

I'm pretty sure you don't need
to cram for a Beowulf quiz.

You've met my parents.

- Brenda's fine. She just...
- Married Winston.

Okay, well, that's a good argument.

You know what else is a good argument?


♪ ♪


Get to class, boys.

♪ ♪

There will be no grinding,

no drinking, no hanky-panky of any kind.

And you are responsible

for the behavior of your dates.

So I want you to think carefully

about the character of any girl

you would bring to our school.

Uh, question.

Does this also apply to
any boys we might bring?

- Cut it out, [BLEEP].

This is a Catholic dance
at a Catholic school.

There will be Catholic expectations.

- Huh, got it. No boys.
- Exactly.

Just little boys.

- Okay, okay.

Look, I like jokes,
too, but that's enough.

I don't want to JUG anybody.

Uh, question.

Do these rules still
apply to Father Tim?

And if so, has anyone seen
him since he was transferred

to a different Catholic school
in the middle of the night?


Very funny.

You know what else
is funny, Mr. O'Neill?

You're out of uniform.

No, I'm not.

Do you think I'd be wearing
a blazer if I didn't have to?

Where's your tie?


Put it on correctly and have a seat.

Uh, the handbook doesn't say
where I have to wear my tie,

just that I have to wear it.

I'm not kidding, [BLEEP].
Put it on right.



I-I don't...


Do you want me to JUG you?

Not really, but it
feels like you're making

a big f*cking deal about a tie.

That's it. Bring me your JUG card.

Now put it on correctly,

or you're going to Mr.
Jameson's office, now.


♪ ♪

You okay?

What was that about?

Okay, are there any questions
before we take the quiz?

Yeah, I've got one.

Don't you think calling
detentions "Justice Under God"

is a little gay?

I mean, being overdramatic
is usually our thing.


♪ ♪


Oh, my God, you missed JCJ
almost m*rder his assistant

over some very weird and
specific dairy opinions.

Yeah, well, it's probably
a pretty stressful day.

[LAUGHS] Wow, that must've
been embarrassing for you, huh?


♪ ♪

I think he's gonna like this place.

[SIGHS] That's cute that you think that.

Hear me out. It's close to the parade.

He'll hate that it's
close to the parade.

Okay, then why'd you pick it, then?

We could've gone somewhere
on the other side of town.

Then he would hate that
we weren't near the parade.


He sounds fun.

I'm sorry.

It's a bad habit.

He's okay.

Uh, you know, the first
couple days will be a journey,

but, uh, he'll soften up.

- I mean, he came.
- Yeah.

I understand you want contingencies.

Okay, well, here's a contingency.

I'll let you call me again
contingent on the fact

that you don't waste my time.

I'm walking into a meeting.


What's good here?


Whoo-hoo! Yeah, I want them beads!

♪ ♪


- Whoo!

♪ ♪

- I saw them.
- Ain't nobody saw.

I don't understand how
we having this conversion.

Also, Bussey, I saw you
literally b*at a man to death.

That f*ck had it coming.

Brodie, come over
here and be on my side.

Uh, your side of what now?

Can you pay attention
to the rest of the world?

The trial, b*tch.

Oh, not interested.

Okay, so the man who
sh*t you is on trial,

and you don't care...
how is that possible?

I don't know. I guess I
got my fill the first time.

- That's f*cking insane to me.
- Okay, calm down.

He can have his opinion,
no matter how wrong he is.

Thank you.

And you can have yours, no
matter how wrong you are.

Thank you.

[SCOFFS] Look, I just think

the f*ck needs
the death penalty.

Now, I don't think I deserve all that.

I can't be the only person

who thinks he should get the chair.

Baby, I don't think they
do the chair no more.

Lock his ass up, throw
away the key, yes.

Why do we protest the
prison industrial complex,

but once we the victim,
suddenly we all for it?


All right, yeah, f*ck that dude.

- Throw away the key.
- Hear-f*ck'-hear.

I mean, I'm definitely on team f*ck him,

but life in prison

seems like a decent punishment

for being a violent, m*rder,
h*m* shit stain.

Yeah, well, you weren't there, so...

Shit, babe, I'm sorry.

You're right.

It's okay.

Just know that while I'm paying you,

I'm always right.

Did y'all read that manifesto
somebody leaked on Reddit?

What, he not a fan of the gays?

Girl, at one point,
this f*ck said,

"I hate to say it,

but these f*g are
destroying our culture."

And I'm like, "Really,
b*tch? Do you hate to say it?"

You wrote pages.

Seems like your ass loves to say it.

♪ ♪




So this is where they keep
all the candy and beads.

Yeah, we can pretend you want the tour,

or we could just...

♪ ♪

BOTH: ♪ Whoa, I never meant to brag ♪

♪ But I got him where I want him now ♪

♪ Whoa, it was never
my intention to brag ♪

♪ To steal it all away from you now ♪

♪ But, God, does it feel so good ♪

♪ 'Cause I got him
where I want him now ♪

♪ And if you could,
then you know you would ♪

♪ 'Cause, God, it just feels so ♪

- ♪ It just feels so good ♪

♪ Second chances, they don't... ♪

Okay, boys, put away the "Playboys."

[CHUCKLES] Yes, sir, they're all gone.

Brodie, I saw your biology midterm.

I got an A-minus.

Which is not good enough if
your goals are what they are.

If you want to get into
a med school that matters,

you really need to
make yourself stand out.

Yes, sir, but I really...

I know you're not talking
back to me right now.

No, sir. Sorry.

All right, boys, it's late. Lights out.


I f*cking hate that guy.

You okay?


Do you want me to be honest
or pretend you're someone else?

I'm sorry.

Hey, if it's any consolation,

the rich white guy
always loses in the end.

- Oh, shit, is that not right?



♪ ♪

How do he and Brenda
not know you're gay?

Denial is one hell of a drug.


Do you think...

I don't know.

Maybe you should tell them.

- Hey, at least Brenda.

She doesn't seem to mind all this gay.

She's, like...

like, an "I have friends
who are gay" person.

♪ ♪

It's different when it's your kid.

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

You know what?

- You're right.
- I am?


Like, what the f*ck am I doing?

I'm stressed all the time.

I let them dictate my whole life.

I got to stop living in fear.

Oh, my God, who is she?
Where did she come from?

Okay, okay!

Look, look, look, I don't...

I don't know how I should do it,

but it's got to be big.

♪ ♪

Let's go to the dance together.

We'll... we'll wear matching suits.

We'll make out on the dance floor

and watch Father
Antonelli's head explode.

Oh, my God, f*ck that h*m*.

- It'll be worth all the JUGs.
- Oh, my God. I love it!

Yeah. Yes!

- Ohh...

Wait, so are you gonna
stop being a psycho

about schoolwork you
hate but pretend to love?

Okay, well, let's not get crazy.

- That one may take a while.

[GRUNTS] I still have work to do.

♪ ♪

I love you.

You know that, right?

♪ ♪

- I do.

I love you, too.

♪ ♪



To being who you really
are no matter what.


- [BLEEP], you there?
- Yeah. Whoa.

Sorry, zoned out there.

To being who we really are.

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

Excuse me.

Excuse me. There she is.

You okay?


Brodie just won't leave me...


Honestly, I just want to...


I'm fine.

I get that it's weird,

but, you know, you can talk to me.

Oh, really?

I don't even think I should be
seen with you, let alone talk.



You and Brodie really know how
to make a girl feel special.

- No, I'm... I'm sorry.
- I just meant because...

Whatever. Whatever.

♪ ♪


I like your skirt.


You know, you can talk to me about...


if you want.

♪ ♪

Hey, be careful.

Careful of what?

Someone who actually
wants to be seen with me?

Yeah, I'm good.

Happy Mardi Gras.

Oh, you got any extras?

Whatever. I think you
should be proud of yourself.

[SIGHS] For what?

Turning Mingus into a f*ck?

Or alienating my best friend?

b*tch, I was talking
about the damn float.

What happened to bringing
hope back to the community

and all this shit?


♪ ♪

Hey. Sorry I'm late.


I thought Julian was coming.

Oh, yeah, he said he had
to go to the bathroom.

- So is this the...
- Okay, yes.

Look, I know it's a lot,
but I think it'll be perfect

for Operation f*g.

I might need to get better
at naming operations.


You okay?

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Okay, so I was thinking that...

We need to break up.


I've been thinking about
it a lot, and, um...

You have?

- When?
- A lot, like, all the time.

And it's the only thing to do, so...

yeah, we should do that.

We should break up.

We just said we loved each other.

Like, like, is... is this
because I'm not out yet?

Because I can... I can
call my parents right now

and come out to them
if that's what you want.

Just tell me what you
want, [BLEEP], please...

Don't! Just...

I don't know what I want

or why things are the way they are

or if I'm just losing my mind.

But I feel guilty and sad,
and I want us to be friends.

And I know that's f*cked up to say,

and I don't want to be
f*cked up to you, but...

I don't know how to be...

or... or who to be.

Or, um...


I-I just... I can't.



♪ ♪


♪ ♪

Look, I know I'm not
your favorite person,

but she won't even talk to me.

I f*cked up.

♪ ♪

What if I go to her
disciplinary hearing?

I can explain the whole thing
and tell them it was my fault.

The hearing was yesterday, Brodie.


♪ ♪


♪ ♪

♪ I think I thought so much ♪

♪ About losing you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ That I never really had you ♪

♪ ♪


♪ You spend so much time ♪

♪ You spend so much time ♪

♪ When you think you've
got all the time ♪

♪ In the world ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You're letting a good one go ♪

♪ You're letting a good one go ♪

♪ You're letting a good one go ♪

♪ ♪


What ever happened to
that, uh, med school buddy?

I never got to meet him.

Well, unlike my med school boyfriend,

Julian is there for
me and cares about me.

Also, um, he dropped out
of med school, just FYI.

What do you do, Julian?

Um, I actually just applied

to this flight attendant program.

Sounds great.

What about the partner track?
How's that treating you?

It's great.


Well, at least you're going somewhere.

That's good. Uh, I'm happy for you.

Thanks, Papi.

Um, so I was thinking

we could maybe see some
live music tonight...

Noah, you know, I was thinking

about what I faced when
I came to this country

with nothing but the shoes on my feet...

which I stole from
my cousin, by the way.

And now look at your old man.

I'm speaking at the
biggest realtor's conference

in the country.

That's the kind of
success I want for you.

You didn't say anything
about a conference.

[LAUGHING] Well, of course I did.

That's why I'm in New Orleans.

Anyway, I'm glad I
got a chance to see it.

I do hope you, uh, fly to Detroit soon

because it'd be great
to have you at home.

Yeah, I will do that.

- Julian.
- I'd love to come to Detroit.

Uh, it was nice to meet you.



♪ ♪

I just don't understand
why I'm the assh*le here.

Why? Because I want justice?

Babe, it's okay for you
to feel however you want.

Yeah, I know that. Thank you, Dr. Ali.

[SCOFFS] Okay. Just trying to help.


Honestly, if you want to help...

you can blow my back out later.

I have work later,
remember? I have a client.

But tomorrow I will do
whatever my baby needs.

Mm. I don't understand
why you still do that.

That, meaning my job?

Yeah, seeing other clients.

Well, honey, I care about you,

but I need to make money, too.

What happened to the money
I gave you at the crip rave?

Is that not enough to buy
me, like, any exclusivity?


No, tell me how much money you need

- to f*ck the unlovable assh*le.
- Look...

I'm a f*cking person,
not just a d*ck on legs.

I didn't take the money.

I put the money back at the crip rave.

I thought we could have a relationship,

but you're not really
relationship material, are you?


How the hell was I supposed to
know we were in a relationship?

You never listen.

I told you I care about you.

What do I have to say for you to get it

through your thick skull?

I don't know.

How about, are you Richard Gere?

'Cause I want you to make

my "Pretty Woman" dreams come true.

f*ck you.

You know how complicated
and f*cked up it is

to fall for a client?

I can't do this.



♪ ♪


Girl, I am not having this conversation.

I just, like, I texted him,
and he didn't even answer.

- I don't know what...
- Excuse me.

- Oh...
- Uh, okay.

- What is happening right now?
- Ruthie, I have to fix this.

I was an assh*le, and I
can't let you lose your job

because of me.

Do you know something I don't?

What do you mean?

I mean, I wasn't fired.

- You weren't?
- No.

I mean, I had the hearing.
They wanted to f*re me.

But I played the trans card.

I played the "hate crime victim" card.

Hell, I played every card I had,

and then I maxed them out.

They put me on leave of
absence until the fall.

Wait, then why are you still mad at me?

[SCOFFS] Really?


Do... do you really not get this?

I mean, things aren't great,
but they seem to be okay.


You don't care who you hurt.

You just steamroll
everyone, me included,

time and time again.


you dragged me to Babylon that night.

And I missed one of the
most important moments

of my life, okay?

I can't get that back.

Okay, but how could I have
known any of that was...

Well, no. Of course you couldn't know.

To know, you need to actually
think about other people.


You're right. That's...
that's totally true.

Okay, no. Ew. Don't do that.

Okay, self... self-awareness
about bad behavior

doesn't make it not bad behavior.

Look, f*ck this.

You're so full of shit.

Yeah, and there's the
real f*cking Brodie.

No, I'm serious.

Like, what the hell
are you talking about?

I'm talking about how you're a selfish,

self-destructive narcissist

with an unending need for validation

that lives somewhere near

where a normal person's heart should be.

You never show up for me, Brodie.

Bullshit. I've shown up for you.

- You know I've shown up for you.
- Do I know that?

- Do I know that?
- You know what? f*ck you.

Like, am I selfish?

- Am I self-destructive?
- Yeah.

Yeah, sure, but so are you.

You know, I actually
don't remember forcing you

to do anything.

Did I make you drink with your student?

Did I make you sneak out
of the house that night

to go to Babylon?

I mean, Jesus Christ, stop yelling at me

for all the things
you hate about yourself

and your own f*cking regrets, [BLEEP]!



- I am so...
- Wow.

No, that slipped out, and, um,

- I've known you since...
- Yeah.

- And I...
- You know what?

♪ ♪

You're right.

I am selfish.

I am self-destructive.

But six months ago,

I was in a relationship
with someone I loved.

I was about to have babies.

I had a job that I
loved and that loved me.

I was happy.

And then you showed up.

The best version of me

only exists when you're not here.

And it's not just me.

Other people's lives were
better without you, too.

♪ ♪

Noah and Daddius were
together, by the way.

Noah is in love with him.

Not that you even noticed.

♪ ♪


♪ ♪




You didn't want to go to the dance?




I love when they do "The
Real World" marathons.


You just missed Seattle.

I love Seattle.

David is so hot.

Hawaii's not bad.

Okay, so I know you're
going through some things,

and I'm probably the last
person you want to talk to...

but I thought maybe
you'd want this back.


Open it.


♪ ♪

You hate it.


Do you want me to be honest
or pretend you're someone else?


I don't have to wear it, do I?



I found that crumpled-up note, and...

it's a symbol.

♪ ♪

I see you.

[CRYING] Good, 'cause
it's an ugly f*cking dress.

♪ ♪

You don't have to tell me
anything you don't want to.

But I'm here.

I mean, you didn't get
very far in your letter

- before you bailed, so...


I don't even know where to start.


How old are you when
you do swimming lessons?

Four, five.


It was during swimming lessons,

and I'd reached that age where
my mom thought I was too old

to go into the women's
locker room with her...

and that I should go into
the men's room by myself.

I cried, just cried.

I couldn't stop.

I remember trying, and I-I couldn't.

My dad thought I was
just being a p*ssy, and...

Yeah, sure, I probably was. [CHUCKLES]

And for a long time, I thought
that's what was going on.

But now I know what was going on.

And... and once you see
it, you can't unsee it.

♪ ♪


I really wanted to go
to the dance with you.

I thought it would be so
cool to be there for you

for this big coming-out moment.

But I couldn't put on a
suit, not even one more time.

It's okay.

♪ ♪

Have you chosen a name yet?




I don't know what I'm doing.

♪ ♪

How about Ruthie?


Can you imagine?

How dumb would it be if I named myself

after the girl who
had her stomach pumped

on "The Real World: Hawaii"?


Sounds like a premonition.

Shut up. Mm.

I love you.

I love you, too.

♪ ♪



♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I still run in the dark ♪

- I'm sorry, but that was...
- Yep.

I just... I can't believe someone

so thoughtful and
empathetic came from him.

I don't know. He has had a hard life.

- Well, yeah, but...
- And he's trying.

He's never done that before.

What? Be rude to the waitstaff?


He asked about me, and he met you.

That's a pretty low bar, right?

And one he's literally
never cleared until today.

Well, thank God I came
to lunch and charmed him.

♪ Oh, you ♪


♪ How do I stop ♪

♪ The love? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You know I learned, I've had... ♪

If you're just joining
us, the Babylon sh**t

has been found guilty on all counts.

Prosecutors will be
seeking the death penalty.

♪ Just a little more ♪

♪ You'd feel it, too ♪

♪ ♪

♪ But I was just wasted... ♪


♪ I was just wasted ♪

♪ On you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Now I'm so tired of acting tough ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I want someone who wants my love ♪

And now a special report...

the tragic nightclub
sh**ting verdict is in.

After a lengthy deliberation...

- Should we go to the bedroom?
- Shut up.

♪ Have taught you to ♪

♪ But I was just wasted ♪

♪ Ooh, wasted ♪

♪ I was just wasted ♪

♪ On you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Wasted on you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Wasted ♪

Hey, how was the parade?

- How could you?
- What do you mean?

All this time, I felt
guilty for how I treated you.

I thought I was the bad guy.

It turns out you're no f*cking saint.

I didn't say I was.

Were you just not gonna
tell me about the two of you?


Look, however you found out
is not how I wanted you to.

But I suppose it's
better that you know...

Yeah, I'm so glad you
think this is better.

Look, we didn't plan on it,

and we wouldn't have jumped in
if it wasn't something special,

but what Julian and
I have, it is special.



♪ ♪

I was talking about Daddius.

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