05x15 - I Love You, Grease Pig!

[bunniefuu]

Chris:

Last time on

"Total drama pahkitew island":

It's an all-new season

With an all-new island

And all new victims-ssss!

I mean competitors!

(Laughs)

Two incredible teams

Were created -

And by incredible,

I mean incredibly weird!

The first challenge was

To build themselves a home

And the gih-noh-say-wuk's

Tree fort

Was a hands down winner

When compared

To team mu-skwuk's

Useless and unbalanced

Wizard's tower!

And for doing nothing

But making annoying noises

And, well, being annoying

In general,

Beardo was the first one

To be fired away

In our "cannon of shame"

Debut.

So what firsts can we expect

During our second challenge?

Find out soon on

"Total drama pahkitew island!"

♪♪♪

♪ I wanna be... ♪

♪ I wanna be... ♪

♪ I wanna be famous ♪

♪ I wanna be... ♪

♪ I wanna be... ♪

♪ I wanna be famous ♪

♪ (Whistling chorus) ♪

Jasmine:

(Snoring)

(Yawns)

Ugh!

What are you doing?

I'm going to forage

For some food.

Oh, forage?

Is that dangerous?

Do you want some help?

Four hands

Are better than two.

Amy: samey! Wake up!

Samey: huh?

Amy:

Go with jasmine

To get me some food.

And don't be all lazy like

You were when you were born!

After I was born,

Mommy and I had to wait

Seventeen minutes

For samey to come out.

Uh, can you imagine?!

If I could've walked,

I would've left without her!

It was then

That our party encountered

A vicious umber colossus!

Luckily, I had enough mana

To banish it

With a displacement spell!

Mr. Wizard, I never understand

Half of what you say -

That's how I know

You're smart!

♪ A harrowing tale

Of dungeons and dice ♪

♪ And besting a monster

That just wasn't nice! ♪

Shut yer song hole,

Dressy!

I wasn't done talking

To the wizard!

Hmm.

Oh, sugar's onto ella's

Nice girl performance.

She'd better watch her step.

Nobody but me is winning

This here pageant!

Uh, maybe instead of making up

Stories and-

You doubt my word?!

It happened!

What dave means is,

We should focus on finding

A legitimate shelter.

We used rocks as pillows

Last night.

Very unclean rocks!

Pfft!

I levitated all night!

(Singing to herself)

♪ La-la-la... ♪

Am I on the right show?

Or did I land on my head

When I fell from the zeppelin?

Is that it?

I'm unconscious

And this is all a nightmare?!

This is my team,

And if we don't win

Some challenges

I'll never make it

To the finale!

Guys, with our, uh, diverse

Set of skills,

I think we can win

These challenges.

But we have to work together,

As a team.

C'mon,

Let's do this!

Go team maskwak!

Leonard, ella and sugar:

Go team maskwak!

Okay, fine.

Go team maskwak.

Jasmine:

You should stand up

To your sister.

You're the underdog

And underdogs have a lot of

Fight and honour in them.

Tap into it.

(Unconvinced)

Yeah... I guess.

Hmm... What's a chinese

Mulberry bush

Doing in this part

Of the world?

Samey:

Ooh... Apples!

Nooooo!

Wow! I would have given you

A bite if you'd asked.

Jasmine:

I'm sorry,

But that's a-

Shawn:

Manchineel fruit!

The spanish refer to it

As "manzanilla de la muerte."

A-k-a "the little apple

Of death."

Jasmine:

He's right.

Well, it probably wouldn't've

k*lled you,

But it would've made your mouth

Blister something awful.

Samey:

(Gasps) my hand.

It's so itchy!

Congrats, princess.

You just got your first lesson

In survival :

Know. Your. Flora.

Lesson :

Soak your hand in water,

Scrub it with sand.

Swelling?

(Snaps fingers)

Gone.

Oh, but I'm supposed to help

You with the foraging-

You won't be of any help

When your hand swells up

Like a wicket

Keeper's glove.

(Cricket chirps)

Cricket?

It's a game?

Just go.

Huh - nice score.

You're quite the outdoorsman.

Shawn:

Gotta know stuff if you wanna

Survive a zombie apocalypse.

Right, but what were you

Doing up in that tree?

That's where I'm sleeping.

No shuffler can get you

From up there.

I hear that, mate.

(Giggles and snorts)

Not only is the guy cute,

He's kinda hilarious.

Zombies.

(Chuckles)

Chris:

Campers! The only good thing

About this morning is

That it's gonna get worse...

For you! (Laughs)

There's a path heading

Into the forest.

Follow it to today's

Hurt-tacular challenge!

Sky:

See? This is the teamwork!

Way to go, shawn!

I can't believe you found

So much food, so fast.

You'd make an excellent

Kitchen wizard.

Uh, thanks?

Topher:

Glad you got berries, amy.

All the antioxidants give

My skin that healthy,

Camera-worthy glow.

Samey:

I got the berries,

Not amy.

Amy:

Oink-oink!

Spot the attention hog!

I was the one who,

Like, made you go!

I have created something so

Diabolical. So eeevil. So-

Chris:

Clam up, campers,

Pick up the pace!

Max:

Yes, sir.

Chris:

Welcome victims,

To the oof-stacle relay race

Of hilarious hurts!

Topher:

Great name.

Total props, chris.

Chris:

Thank you, topher.

Now, each player takes on

A different oof-stacle,

Starting with....

The greased log

Over a thorny bog!

That gets you

To a greasy zip line

Over the ravine

For the next player.

Then a quick

And painful journey

Through the greastacular

Tubetacular.

Next up is the grease tires

And then a pass off

To the greasy wheelbarrow race.

And the last lucky player

Climbs a rope

Up the greased wall.

Or tries to and falls

Which is way funnier. (Laughs)

Dave:

(Nervously)

That's a lot of grease.

It's very greasy.

Like all of it!

Greasy.

Yep. Now, I was going to have

You pass a relay baton,

But couldn't find any.

What are you making us use

Instead?

Oh ho ho!

This is gonna be so good!

(Boars squealing)

You'll be using greased

Wild boars.

Chris:

Not so much batons

As ba-cons.

Ha-ha-ha!

Good one, chris.

Chris:

Thank you, topher.

First team across the finish

Line with their boar, wins!

But there are only obstacles

And we're a team of .

Two of you will have

To double up

Chris:

On one section of the race.

Now decide who's on

What oof-stacle

'Cause the race is

About to start!

Jasmine me?

Sure do!

Uh, no, wait!

I mean... Aggghhhh!

Focus rodney, focus.

(Deep inhale)

Two hearts strong can't-

Auh... I wrote a- oof!

Amy:

Stop talking.

Samey and me will partner up.

End of story.

I've never felt this way before

About anyone!

What amy and I have

Is really special.

Breaking up with jasmine

Is gonna be hard,

But it's the right thing

To do.

Amy wants to be my partner?

Maybe this is some kind

Of turning point!

Amy:

Wouldn't be fair to stick

One of you with samey.

She's horrible at everything.

Jasmine:

Rodney goes first,

Topher second,

Amy and samey third,

Scarlet on tires,

Max on the wheelbarrow.

I'll take the wall.

Go! Go! Hop to it

Like kangaroos!

Shawn:

Sugar should take

The last section,

Back on her farm she plays

With greased pigs all the time.

Sugar:

Normally, I would agree

That I'm the best,

But shake your heads, guys,

We have a wizard

On our team!

Dave:

Can we leave fiction

Aside for a second?

Sky is practically

An olympic gymnast.

She should take

The last secti-

Two words: whizz-ard!

O-kay.

Sky can take the first leg.

Only if the wizard

Can't be two places at once.

Well, not without the mucus

Of a byzantium worm.

Oooo! Does anyone

Have one of those?

Chris:

Okay, teams take your places!

Sky:

I start, leonard finishes!

Everyone else

Just pick a spot!

Chris:

Ready... Set...

(Blows air horn)

(Squealing)

Sky:

Whoa! Hey! Get back here!

(Determined)

For amy.

(Squealing)

(Panting)

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Behold... My triumph!

Isn't it so diabolically

Terriblific?!

Um, what is it?

It's a helmet of evil,

Obviously!

This contraption will turn

Any animal

Into an evil companion...

Watch!

Come hither, bunny,

It's time to evil!

Oooo... Look how diabolical

It's becoming!

Isn't it terrifying?

Goosebumps, max,

I have goosebumps.

I made it with parts from one

Of chris' security cameras

And an underwear elastic!

But unfortunately,

It doesn't work yet.

Whoa!

(Sliding efforts)

Sky:

Whoa! Wait up, piggy!

Get... Up there...

(Grunts)

(Farts)

Shawn:

Focus! You can do it!

Just imagine those thorns

Are a ravenous zombie horde!

Rrrrr-ahhh!!!

Agh!

Shawn:

Nice! Way to survive

The apocalypse! Whoa!

Good boy.

You're doing great!

(Struggling efforts)

Oof! My biscuits!

(Cackling)

(Pained groan)

I hope amy

Didn't see that!

And that's why they call it

The oof-stacle course!

Right, chris?

Chris:

Nice one, topher!

Shawn:

See, little guy?

To survive this game

You gotta use your head.

Ow! Oww!

I said "head" not brains!

(Pained screams)

Ahhhhhh!

(Splash)

Topher:

And it looks like

Gorgeous player, topher,

Is learning

From shawn's mistakes.

Dude, chris,

I am lovin' this challenge.

You must have been up all night

Planning this one.

'Cause you kinda looked

Like you were.

Do I look tired?

(Nonchalant whistle)

Sugar:

Come on, pig,

Come to momma!

Topher:

And awesome topher completes

His part of the challenge.

Sugar:

What a sweet little piggy!

Who's a greasy little piggy?

Which pork will place first?

Find out after the break,

Here on total-

Chris:

He-hem!

I am so sorry.

I didn't know what I was-

It's neck and neck

And is about to get tubular.

Who's got the pork chops

To win?

Find out right here on

"Total drama pahkitew island!"

Topher: you are so good.

Chris: yes I am.

Sugar:

Momma loves you!

Yes she does, baby-boo!

Grannie always said,

You gotta love

The fight out of a pig

Before you take it out

On the town.

(Kiss)

There, that's better!

I'm gonna name

You grease pig.

(Affectionate mumbles)

Amy:

Just get it

In the tube already!

I'm the beauty

And the brains,

You're the do-er

Of stuff-that-stinks.

(Frustrated growl)

Ugh! I swear,

I'm nearing my breaking point!

I might actually

Say something to her!

Stop fooling around

And hurry up!

Oo-oof!

Aaaaaaaahhh!

Chris:

I was worried about cruelty to

Animals during this challenge,

But I'm fine with cruelty

To samey.

Ella:

Come on, sugar!

Hooray!

I'll take it from here!

No! I'm keepin' her!

Or him!

Her or him

Is mine for ever!

Um, well, maybe I can just

Piggy-sit her for a tiddly bit?

♪ Hey, there little girl

Or fella ♪

♪ If you came over here

It'd be mighty swell-a ♪

(Squeals and giggles)

I looooove you,

Grease pig!

But I don't love that

Pig-stealin', singy-faced ella!

(Snow white-esque singing)

Dave:

Good work, ella!

(Snow white-esque singing)

Uh... A little faster?

(Pig squeals)

Samey:

(Scream)

Amy:

Argh! I'm sweaty

And disgusting!

I look like you!

Samey:

Oh, I'm sorry!

But you're the one

That scared the pig.

Amy:

(Gasps) you-beg-my-pardon?!

Whose fault is this?!

Mine.

Yes. Always.

Chris:

Ooh! Looks like scarlet's

Inner animal trainer

Has come out.

Pigs love pecans.

Maybe they know pecans delay

The progression

Of age-related motor

Neuron degeneration.

And with only two

Oof-stacles left,

The gih-noh-say-wuk are

Catching up to the mu-skwuk!

Ella:

(Humming)

Chris:

Wait. What's...

What's that noise??

♪ We're right

Where we belong ♪

♪ With an oink

And a song ♪

♪ We are moving right

Along to the- ♪

(Air horn sounds)

(Squealing)

You scared him!

Chris:

There is no singing required

In this season. None!

(Gasps)

Time to evil.

Bring me the pig,

I command it!

Hold this

While I limber up.

("The blue danube waltz" plays)

(Beeping and whirring)

(Squealing)

Chris:

And the gih-noh-say-wuks

Have taken the lead!

Ella:

That mean man gave mr. Truffle

Hunter a dreadful fright!

Sugar:

His name's grease pig!

Ella:

Here. With my best wishes!

It looks pretty dirty.

But... But...

I'll be fine.

I mean, no one said it was

Dirty, germy grease, right?

Chris:

I forgot to mention

That today's grease

Is brought to you

From the grease trap

Of chef's restaurant.

(Wary groan)

(Grossed out cries)

(Squealing)

My arm.

It's on my arm.

It works!

That's what you get

When you're up against

Evil incarnate!

Ahaha- ewww!

Cease this instant!

I'm your diabolical master!

Yaaaugh! Oof!

Dave:

Aauuggggh!

Leonard:

(Impact grunt)

Aauuggggh! Sanitizer!

I need hand sanitizer!

And sandpaper for scrubbing!

Hey-hey-hey,

Deep breaths.

You're okay.

(Heavy breathing,

Then deep slow breaths)

Wow. Usually I'd freak out

Way more,

But sky has a surprisingly

Calming effect on me.

I think dave has a bit

Of a crush on me.

But I'm not here to meet boys.

I'm here to win.

Evil stops for nothing!

All:

Augh! Eww! Gross!

(Squeals,

Device fizzles)

My device!

It's ruined!

Maleficent rats!

Jasmine:

All right, come here,

You little ratbag!

Whoa!

Calm down, little guy.

Take it easy,

Nice 'n easy...

Eeeeasy....

(Memorizing)

Eeeeasy....

(Squealing giggles)

Piggus levitatus

This instantus!

(Pig farts)

Piggy piggy float

Over the wall,

Win this challenge

For us and all!

Dave:

Just take the pig

And climb the wall, leonard!

Sugar:

Give the wizard a chance!

My spells aren't working

Because someone here

Doesn't believe in me!

Me! It's me!

I don't believe in you!

Now pick up the pig!

(Squealing)

Chris:

This just in:

Wizard b*at by amazon!

The pi-ma-po-tew

Gih-noh-say-wuk win!

(Cheering)

Come on, max.

We won.

And tonight's winner's meal

Is provided by

Jimmy's beaks 'n feet.

"Our chickens walk the walk,

Talk the talk,

Then we put 'em

In the fryer."

Now that's evil.

(Cheering)

Samey:

Jasmine! That pig thing

Was totally cool!

How'd you do that?

Jasmine:

Just a little trick

I learned back home.

No biggie.

But I just-

Can't not, right?

I mean, byeeee.

(Sobbing)

Breaking up with jasmine

Was the hardest thing

I have ever done

And I'm sure she's hurting

Right now.

I haven't understood anything

That farm boy's ever said to me.

(Sighs) I hope no one's

Finding me too bossy.

I mean,

I had to take charge

Or it'd be one of us

Going home.

Sky:

This is perfect, shawn!

Sugar:

It needs sparkles.

Shawn:

I figured another night

Of sleeping in the rain

Isn't gonna help us

Win the next challenge.

Dave:

You finally going to come

Down from your tree?

Shawn:

Nuh-uh.

Thanks for asking

But no way am I gonna be

An undead snack!

Chris:

Waa-nihtu mu-skwuks!

Please head to

The elimination campfire area!

Cannon needs num num!

(Chuckles)

Chris:

Hey, why so glum?

You tried your best

And it was horrible.

Now, let's see

Who you all blame

For your collective failure.

Duh!

It's pretty obvious.

Definitely not the wizard.

Chris:

Shawn, sugar,

Dave and sky,

You're safe from elimination,

Which leaves ella the songbird

And leonard the wizard.

And the irritating oddball

Going home tonight is...

Wobbledy-woo, wobbledy-wee,

Don't pick me!

Don't pick me,

Don't pick me!

Leonard.

Yeah, pack your potions,

You're going flying.

Me?!

(Gasps) no!

Magic boots

And armpit smell,

Bring forth

A time reversal spell!

Chris:

Nothing? So weird.

Leonard:

Fireball! Lightning bolt!

Aw, nuts.

Chris:

Check this out, chef,

I'm gonna show you

A little magic trick of my own.

Watch in amazement

As I make this contestant...

Disappear!

Leonard:

Aggghhhhhhh!

Sugar:

I love you, wizard!

So far we've lost a b*at-boxer

And a wizard:

Two key players in a game

I'd never ever want to play.

Who's next

In the boom boom machine?

Only time will tell on

"Total drama pahkitew island!"

Chris:

The next total drama

Has balloons!

But it ain't no party!

Unless you wanted pain,

Tears and suffering

For your birthday.

(Laughs)

Yeah, this is gonna end badly.

Nasty!

It's all crying

And goodbye-ing

On the next...

"Total drama pahkitew island!"