05x20 - This is the Pits!

[bunniefuu]

Chris:

Last episode was crammed

Full of monkey...

And monkey-crammed full!

And although team

Gin-noh-say-wuk got trapped,

It was team mu-skwuk

Who lost a player

All because ella -

Sweet, sweet ella -

Went against my wishes

And sang her own swan song.

Hey, b*at it.

Ella's gone.

I sh*t her!

From a cannon.

Off the island.

Thank you.

Anyway,

What were we doing?

Oh, right!

Eight players remain.

Who will stay

And who gets blasted away?

Find out right here,

Right now, on...

"Total drama pahkitew island!"

♪♪♪

♪ I wanna be...

I wanna be... ♪

♪ I wanna be famous ♪

♪ I wanna be...

I wanna be... ♪

♪ I wanna be famous ♪

(Whistling chorus)

(Rooster crows)

Jasmine:

(Yawns)

(Loud landing thud)

Hmm? Wha?!

Must your giant feet

Be so noisy?

I was having

The most delightful dream!

Was it you being blasted

Out of a cannon

For costing us

The last challenge?

That was my dream!

No, I was being carried

By my many minions

Like an egyptian king!

Looks like your servants

Are still with you.

Aggghhhhhh! Agh! Agh!

Ants!

Bah! Foul vermin!

(Gasps)

Ewww! Disgusting!

Sidekick,

Clean my bed at once!

Where is that lazy fool?

Siiiiidekiiiiiick!

(Groans)

I need him gone!

When people realize

How dense he is,

They'll know

I made all his gadgets.

Max:

(Evil laugh)

Feel the heat

Of my death ray!

(Evil laugh)

(Startled scream)

My bed!

The ants have started

A fire somehow!

Dave:

Sky, will you be

My jungle queen?

Whaaat?

I said, want some berries?

They're clean.

Sky:

Oh. Thanks.

Okay, I kinda flirt with dave

Sometimes,

And I dreamt about him,

And my tummy fills

With butterflies

When he's around,

But that doesn't mean

I have a crush on him.

I can't.

I'm not looking for romance!

He gets it.

Sky's acting weird

And I'm no dummy, I get it.

It's cuz I haven't

Kissed her yet!

I just want our first kiss

To be perfect, ya know?

Them two bein' lovey-dovey

Means one thing:

An alliance!

We gotta keep 'em apart

Or else it's game over

For one of us.

Probably you.

Or... We could form

An alliance of our own.

There's no nice way

To say this...

I'd rather be eaten

By a zombie!

(Eating noisily)

Ya got a little sump'in

There.

No, no.

Please, allow me.

Sugar:

(Gasps) I got it!

Note to self:

Never kiss sky's left cheek.

Ain't gonna be no lovey-dovey

Alliances happenin'

While I'm around.

I'm like the opposite

Of one of them

Match-makin' fairy godmothers.

Whatever that would be...

Some sorta unicorn,

I guess.

Well, there goes my appetite.

So you don't mind

If I eat these?

(Air horn blasts)

Chris:

Calling all contestants!

It's time to get "rolling"!

(Laughs)

Uh, that'll make sense

In a minute.

Sugar:

(Belches loudly)

Listen up, everyone.

Today's challenge is simple.

(Relieved sighs)

Chris:

Simple... And deadly!

All:

(Groan)

Chris:

You'll all be racing across

The island...

In these turbo-orbs!

Each team will cram into

One turbo-orb

And run like a hamster

In a wheel.

First team to the other side

Of the island wins immunity.

Both teams are sure

To have a ball!

Just get in the orb,

Topher.

Topher:

Hey, watch the hair!

Sky:

Stop pushing!

Sugar:

I'm not pushin'!

I'm shovin'!

Jasmine? Hello?

You still on

Australian time?

(Laughs)

I actually have no idea

If that's ahead of us

Or behind us

But you get the joke.

Okay! Just gonna get

Inside that

Small, cramped,

Confined ball.

No way out.

Let's do this!

(Shaking with fear)

Chris:

That's the spirit!

Okay, so I might be

Claustrophobic.

It's sad when a person

Lets a single irrational fear

Control their whole lives.

Jasmine:

I'm okay!

Just have a teeny issue

With confined spaces.

No biggie.

(Shaking)

Uh-huh...

You know what else

Is a confined space?

A cannon.

Okay, bad cop didn't work,

Time for good cop.

Jas, I didn't know

You had this phobia.

Now that I do,

I realize this challenge

Is harder for you

Than anyone else

And that's unfair...

Chef, toss her in.

Jasmine:

(Gasps)

Uhhhh... Owwww!

Dave:

Uh... We can't see

Out of these.

Chris:

Oh no.

(Louder)

You might feel a slight drop.

Ready... Set... Go!

(Teams scream)

(Screaming in pain)

Ah-ugh-oh-ow-ow-ow-ow!

Oh!

Dave:

Ow! I mean... Hi.

Score! Near death experiences

Always make girls wanna kiss!

Sugar:

(Groans, stomach rumbles)

Breakfast berries want out...

(Barf splatters)

Mm-mmm!

When all you eat's is berries,

Ya pretty much

Just barf jam.

(Horrified)

Aaggghhhhhhhh!

Jasmine:

Oh look. We're at the bottom

Of a deep, dark cave.

How 'bout that.

Topher:

Ha! Host fail!

I'd like to see chris narrate us

Out of this one.

Chris:

What was that, topher?

Chris:

So your real challenge

Is getting out of this cave.

Why bother with

The bogus challenge?!

If I had said I wanted

To cram you into giant balls

And drop you feet

Into a cave,

You all would've moaned

And whined.

This was easier.

Shawn:

True.

Chris:

Moving on!

There are two bags of supplies

Somewhere behind you.

Max:

Let's see...

Rope, climbing accessories,

Night vision goggles?

Ugh! Useless!

Sky:

Kitty litter,

A beardo b*at-box cd

And soy sauce packets?

Seriously?!

One bag might be more helpful

Than the other.

Chris:

Now, if you look around,

You'll see a bunch of tunnels.

They all lead to a single exit

On the surface

Where the finish line awaits,

But some will get you there

Safer or faster than others.

First team across

The finish line wins.

One more thing.

According to cree legend,

No one who's gone in

Has ever come out.

All:

(Terrified gasps)

But, hey, I thought the fall

Would k*ll you,

So congrats on surviving that!

Your challenge starts... Now!

(Air horn blows)

Sky:

So it's all about choosing

The right tunnel

To get out fastest.

Scarlett:

"Fast" would be preferable.

This pit seems to be

Structurally unstable.

Jasmine:

Out! Gotta get ouuuuuuuut!

(Rumbling)

Shawn:

Uh, maybe pounding the walls

And yelling isn't a good idea.

(Yelling)

It's a cave-in!

(Rumbling)

Sky:

Well, now it's a cave-in!

All:

(Scream)

Spacious way out...

Jasmine:

Uh... Is there a more

With better lighting

And maybe some windows?

Topher:

My face!

Must save my face!

Jasmine:

Ungh! Oof!

Sidekick! This way!

No! This one, max,

This one!

Scarlett:

Dave:

Which one?!

Shawn:

I see daylight!

Come on!

(Coughing)

Sky:

Dave, are you all right?!

I am now.

(Belches)

(Bats screech)

Bats!

Hmm?

(Spits)

Bat lips!

I-i kissed bat lips!

Aaaauuuuuughhhhh!

The weirdest part...

That bat was totally into it.

Sky:

Wow! A colony of glow slugs!

Dave:

Glow slugs?

Worst children's toy ever.

At least

They're lighting the way.

Shawn:

Mmm!

They go down easy!

Dave:

Aww, sugar...

(Gags)

I think you just broke

My gross-out meter.

Sugar:

Whatever, bat-kisser.

(Rumbles)

Whoa! Are you guys

Seeing this?

Shawn:

Wow! Look at me!

Choo-choo! I'm a bus!

Chugga-chugga chugga-chugga...

Sky:

Whatever works.

Jasmine:

I can't see a thing!

I can't see!

Topher:

Here. Night vision goggles.

They work great.

Oh, good. Now I can see

How cramped the cave is.

Jasmine:

Hey...

Where's scarlett and max?

Topher:

(Gasps) oh no!

Jasmine:

Don't worry.

I'm sure they're fine.

What? No, I have no bars

Down here!

I'm expecting a call!

Jasmine:

Hey, we need to focus!

If our team loses,

Max and scarlett will team up

And vote one of us off.

Those two are practically

Married.

Max:

You'd better go ahead of me;

There might be booby traps.

Scarlett:

This cave is weird.

Max:

Maybe the cave thinks

You're weird.

Scarlett:

Those stalactites

Shouldn't be here.

Max:

And where should they be?

Wyoming?

Scarlett:

It's just that

There isn't any evidence

Of mineralized water deposits

On the cave floor.

Pfft! And I suppose

You find it odd

Max:

That there's also

Several cameras

And a large monitor

Over there.

Hey guys!

Welcome to the spike zone!

Try to stay quiet

Or all those stalactites

Will rain down

And skewer you like kabobs.

(Laughs)

Thank you for the warning.

You are now in my favour.

We shall tip-toe through

Slowly and-

Chris:

Eh, tip-toeing is boring

To watch,

So here's a crocodile!

(Roars)

Remember, your entire team

Has to cross the finish line.

So no leaving behind legs

Or hands, okay?

This is my chance

To get rid of max.

If he doesn't make it back,

We lose,

And he gets voted off.

Wait! Why don't you train it

To be your reptile minion?

(Gasps) that's...

A brilliant idea!

You there, heel!

(Chomp)

Agh! Phew!

Brainless mammal!

Minion, it's not-

Minion?

Crocodile: (vicious chomp)

Max: yyyyyyoooowwww!

(Rumbling)

Aaggghhhh!

Agghhh!

Oo-oof!

Aww!

It was just getting good!

(Frustrated sigh)

Stay tuned to find out

Who gets buried

And who comes out on top.

Here on

"Total drama pahkitew island!"

Max:

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

(Fizzling)

Ohhh... That is heaven.

Ewwww! Croc innards

Are disgusting!

It was mechanical?

Hey, I bet everything

Down here is!

And it's all controlled

By remote.

If I can piece together

A transmitter

To send out signals,

Who knows what we could find!

I bet they're all using

Neighboring frequencies.

Wait, you're doing

What frequently?

My brother pulled

My hair once,

So I made his remote control

Toys come to life

And att*ck him in the night.

Every night,

For six years.

He's still in therapy.

Stop babbling!

That croc bit me!

I demand you suck

The poison out!

Crocs aren't venomous.

Do as I say!

(Frustrated growl)

Topher:

Jasmine presses on

As the cave gets deeper,

Darker, narrower.

The faintest sound could

Cause a cave-in

That would surely crush

Every bone-

(Interrupting)

Do you mind?!

Do you?

Someone has to host

In chris's absence!

Chris:

I'll take it from here, toph.

You've just reached

The leap of faith.

Even with

The night vision goggles

You can't see the bottom.

You gotta have faith

And just jump in.

It leads to the way out...

Or sharks -

I honestly can't remember.

Either way, you can't go back

The way you came.

(Loud rumbling)

Good luck!

Topher:

Man, it's like a bottomless

Black hole to nowhere...

Wanna go first?

(Choking)

Jasmine:

Topher, no!

There needs to be another way!

Topher:

Jas... Can't breathe...

About to pass out...

Jasmine:

Topher?! No!

Aaggghhhhhhh!

Ungh!

Ah? How did you know

It wasn't super deep?

Didn't... (Gasps for air)

Please let go.

Shawn:

Whoa...

Welcome to the gem cave.

This ruby ravine

Is home to a bear.

But not just any bear...

The bling bear!

(Laughs)

Bling bear?

Trust me, you don't wanna

Make him mad.

Just walk through here

Without stealing a gem

And you'll be okay.

Dave:

Fine. Whatever.

Let's just go-

(Loud roar)

And you failed.

Wow! That was fast.

(Roars)

Dave:

What the heck?

Nobody took any diamonds!

My guess is sugar ate one

So that everything

She says sparkles.

Shineeeeey!

(Ferocious roar)

Wait! That's just

Scuba bear with-

Sky:

Run!

(Ferocious roar)

(Panting) hey,

Think it leads somewhere?

Jasmine:

Ohhh! Great!

Let's go down the even more

Cramped, confined, tiny...

(Slap) nnngh! Okay,

I need to stop talking.

Topher:

(Gasps) bars!

I got bars!

Two of 'em!

This must lead to the exit!

No, no, no, no, no!

(Gasping for breath)

It's a way out, jasmine.

It's a way out.

I'm feeling more bored

Than evil!

Are you finished yet?

Scarlett:

Done. Now I'll try

The universal signal

For garage door openers.

(Ding)

Scarlett:

Heh. You still think this cave

Is normal?

Max:

Of course.

It's just an ancient cree

Secret passage.

Scarlett:

With carpeting and muzak?

Max:

Clearly the cree had taste.

And you no longer need

This useless thing!

Scarlett:

No!

Who knows what else

On the island

Could've been controlled

With that remote!

It's official,

I hate max.

Dave:

We gotta swim?!

Is it safe?!

Cave water is clean, right?!

Sugar:

Cannon baaaaall!

(Loud splash,

Ferocious roar)

(Sniffs and groans)

He's not following us?

Weird.

He had a snorkel

And everything.

Well, you know how bears

Hate losing their jewelry

In the pool.

(Laughs)

I like how funny you are.

Not to k*ll the mood,

But did you fart?

No! I-it does stink

A little though.

We should keep moving.

Sugar:

A stream! It has to be coming

From the surface!

Sky:

We can follow it out!

Sugar:

It's so muddy,

I keep slippin'!

Sky:

Keep moving!

I see daylight!

Sugar:

We made it, guys!

(All scream)

Dave: no! Nooooo!

(Panting)

The toilet?!

We came out the toilet?

Shawn:

That means the water...

And the muddy cave,

It was all- (gasps)

Sky and shawn:

(Disgusted groans)

Sky:

Dave... You okay?

Sugar:

Oh, big whoop.

None of you'd ever win

An easter egg hunt on my farm.

(Cell phone beeps)

Jasmine:

Are we dead yet?!

Keep going!

I just got another bar!

That's three! (Beeps)

Four bars! Five!

What's wrong?

Topher:

Good news: I see daylight.

Bad news:

I know what dug this tunnel.

(Ferocious growling)

Topher:

Turn back!

Gophers go for the face!

I need my face!

We're not going back!

(Static)

Yep, I've lost the kids.

Better grab our getaway bags

And fake passports, "hector."

Jasmine:

(Screams)

Freeeeeeedooooommm!

(Panting)

(Weakly)

Did we win?

No! That's not the right exit!

Sky:

It's not the worst one either.

Chris:

(Disgusted noise)

What's that stench?

Shawn:

We came up through the-

Dave:

(Loud gibberish)

Never clean!

Max:

Blast! How did we not win?!

(Gasps) they must have found

A faster elevator.

Elevator?

Look, none of you won!

I said, "the first team

To cross the finish line,"

And none of you did!

You skipped dozens

Of awesome challenges!

We don't even have

Enough footage for an episode!

You're all disqualified!

This whole episode is a bust!

(All cheer)

Sky:

No elimination!

Chris:

Ooh, no, no, no, no, no, no...

There will be an elimination.

(Laughs)

Chris:

As you can see,

I had a special reward planned.

Darwin's all-you-can-eat

Food safari.

Sugar:

Darwin's food safari?!

I starred in a tv commercial

For them.

I was amazin'!

It went like this-

(Air horn blows)

Tonight's elimination

Will be...

This dinner!

Chef?

(Gasoline glugs)

(Loud expl*si*n,

Flames whoosh)

All:

(Disappointed groans)

Now, I have a serious matter

To discuss.

It's become obvious

That a certain couple

Is well on their way

To smooch city.

I think we all know

Who I'm talking about.

This kind of lip-locked alliance

Is unfair

To the other team members.

It's also kind of awkward.

So I've decided

To split them up.

I really like dave

As a friend,

But this is for the best,

And I know dave agrees.

Nooooooooo!

So, without further ado,

I'm breaking up...

Max and scarlett.

We? Him? Me?

No, but...

Oh no, we're not...

Phew! That was close.

Hardly my fault.

I have two things women love:

An evil, evil mind...

And a sense of humour.

(Sobbing)

Their love was so beau-ti-fuuul!

Max, join team mu-skwuk.

I'd say it's been

A pleasure,

But we all know the truth:

You're inferior.

Oh. And just so the teams

Aren't lopsided...

Hmm... Sky, you're now

On team gih-noh-say-wuk.

Wow. I...

Guess I gotta go.

Hey, this doesn't change

Anything,

We can still-

You're in my seat!

Gone with you!

(Sobbing)

It's not like

We're on different islands.

There's still a sh*t, right?

I'll miss dave,

But at least now he knows

That there's no sh*t.

Chris:

So we had eight

And eight remain.

But I promise we'll feed that

Cannon some human next time,

Here on

"Total drama pahkitew island!"

Chris:

On the next "total drama":

Things get a little snakey.

Jasmine tells sky

That there is no love.

Sugar enjoys the unintentional

Comedy stylings of max.

And, to no one's surprise,

Dave cries!

(Laughs)

Oh, man, I wanna see that!

(Laughs)

Join us as the emotions

Run high

On "total drama

Pahkitew island!"