01x06 - Dap, Peace, F*ck You

[bunniefuu]

[mellow music]

- Keef, this is, like,
a big night for you.

Dude, you should be
celebrating.

Everyone at the salon tonight
loved your work.

- Adrienne.

- Keef.

- I'm sorry, I messed up.

- Did you not hear me?
I said I don't care.

- Yeah, but it's pretty clear
that you do.

- No, I don't.
We're not together, Keef.

You can blackface me
if you want, it's--

- No, look, no, no, no.
I didn't blackface you, I--

- Well, I'm pretty sure
you did.

- It's more like
Rachel Dolezal deal.

- Oh, okay.
I don't know who that is.

- The--the white chick
who was trying to be--

CLOVIS: I know how to
Crip Walk.

I don't know what the hell
you're talking about.

AYANA: I don't know, I--
[laughs]

I think your legs are
too short to Crip Walk.

- I been doin'--
I been doin' this sh*t...

AYANA: Oh, no.
- I been killin'--

That sh*t work, right?
AYANA: Looks like you
a old man.

CLOVIS: Yeah, your ass
always drunk, though.

AYANA: Okay, well--
- These m*therf*ckers here.

What's up, man?
- What's up what?

- What are you doin' here?

- We're in the middle
of somethin'.

- No, we're not.
We're done.

KEEF: Except that we are
in the middle of something.

I'm trying to explain to her
that I am an idiot.

AYANA: I can just--
- No, no, you can chill.

I tell you what--we gonna do
dap, peace, f*ck you?

- Dap, peace, what?
- Fine, come on, hurry up.

Let's go.

You ready?

- Best two out of three? sh*t!
- Get out.

ADRIENNE: We're just
gonna talk outside.
- You know what?

We're just gonna talk outside.

- Mm.

Ooh, boy.

[door opens]
GUNTHER: That is what's up.

Smell like tacos in here?

Welcome to my humble home--

- Oh...
CLOVIS: What the f*ck?

- Dap, peace, f*ck you
for the living room?

[hard rock music]

♪ ♪

[mellow music]

ADRIENNE: I get it.

But I didn't do
the cartoon, okay?

And I-I'm not hung up
about this.

- I'm not hung up about it.
I'm just aware.

That's all, I'm aware, okay?

The reason why
I Dolezaled you

was because I didn't, uh--
I didn't want to dilute
the message.

- What's the message?

- I don't have a message
necessarily.

- You know, I've dated a lot
of guys like you, Keef,

and none of them
were this insecure.

- Okay, exactly how many
black guys have you been with--

, , ?

- Including
or excluding orgies?

- All right.
- And it's none of
your business

how many of anything
I've dated.

- Look, I'm just saying
you're from New Zealand,

you live in San Francisco.

It's not exactly Miami Gardens,
that's all.

- Is that a city with a high
African-American population?

- Yeah, over %.
- I'm not from here,

so I don't get your
weird references.
KEEF: Detroit--I should've--

- Detroit I would've got.
- All right, okay.

- Yeah.
- Okay, fine.

- I'm talking about artists,
Keef, not black people.

Am I the only white girl
you've dated?

- I'm from Boston.

You get a free side
of white girl

with every lobster roll
you purchase.

- Sorry, uh...about
everybody in the living room.

ZIGGY: Nah...
MARLEY: No...

It's okay.
- Yeah?

- It's fine.
- This is where we were

all gonna end up anyway,
right?

[both moaning]
- Okay...

[Marley giggling]
[chuckles] All hands
on deck, huh?

[laughing]
All hands on Gunther.

Very nice.
What up, brother?

[Marley giggling]
- How are ya?

- You want to go ahead and
finally talk about your girl?

- No, no, I don't.

I just want to...
f*ck up her algorithms.

Netflix, Hulu--all that.

[indistinct speech on TV]
- This is some super petty
relationship sh*t.

AYANA: Yeah.
- Oh, oh, f*ck this, you so--
yo, you cruel.

You cruel!

AYANA: So what do you think?

minutes of each of these
shitty Lindsay Lohan movies?

- You don't f*ck
with Lindsay Lohan?

- You f*ck with Lindsay Lohan?

- Uh, yeah,

Yo, you confusing her real
life with her movies, man.

You trippin'.
- Oh...

- Freaky Friday?
- Uh-huh.

- Mean Girls.
- Mm.

- Herbie?
Okay, everybody loves Herbie.

Don't mess with the Lo-han!

- Okay.
Speaking of messing...

what's up with Keef's
new comics?

- [scoffs]
I don't know.

- Your best friend
just told a room full of people

that you hate women.

- But I love women.
- Do you just not date them,

- or...
- Oh, my God!

Look, dude, we have our night,
then we go our separate ways.

There's no lying,
there's no leading anybody on

like we're gonna be together.

- Wow, spoken like
a true romantic.

- Exactly, 'cause
I'm the king of that sh*t.
[door opens]

ADRIENNE: Oh, we can talk
about it tomorrow.

KEEF: Yeah, but then
don't say I didn't
try to talk things out.

- People in relationships
talk things out.

We get to avoid that sh*t.

Do you guys stress out
this much about dating
people of other races?

- I don't know.
[door closes]

Can you really remove
fetishization from
interracial relationships?

Also, who f*cking cares?

- Uh, I'll tell you who--
this guy right here.

- No, no, no,
I don't care--at all.
[door opens]

- Whoa, this place
is crowded today.

- Wait--weren't your last
two girlfriends Asian?

- Yeah.
- Isn't that a fetish?

- No, that's a type.
- Oh, so, for you, it's a type,

but for us, it's a fetish.

- Yes. You got it.
KEEF: Ah!

- I got it.
- Because I'm
a black q*eer woman

and I don't have the power

to perpetuate oppressive
sex practices like y'all can.

- I feel like that's wrong, but
I can't quite verbalize why.

- Yeah, I don't know
what's happening
in this conversation,

but I'm team Ayana.

- Thank you.
- Hey, don't you have company

to attend to?
- Uh...yeah.

I'm just kind of mentally
preparing for my threesome.

- Oh!

[mellow hip-hop]

- What'd you think they
were coming here for?

- Yeah, I don't know--just to
hang out, chitchat.

Maybe play Parcheesi maybe.
I don't know.

- Just to be clear--you did
meet these two at the salon.

- Yes.
- You did mushrooms with them.

- You let them braid your hair.
- You cuddled for two hours
straight.

- And then you invited them
back here to our apartment

for late-night drinks.

- Yes, late-night
platonic drinks, yes.

- Yo ass dumb.

- Okay, well,
that's your opinion.

I was actually asking
for everybody else's opinion.

- I don't know if we can answer
that for you.

- Yeah, that's what
I was afraid of.

sh*t!
CLOVIS: I know what it is, bro.

It's the d*ck.
It's that other d*ck
in the room.

You don't want to f*ck a dude.
I don't want to f*ck no dude.

- Of course you don't.
You're stunted.

- What?
KEEF: And when she says that,

she doesn't just mean
physically.

- No, I was talking about
sexually.

- Thought you were
talking vertically.

- Wait--wait--what?

- Anyway, can we go finish
our conversation

- like adults?
- Oh, we're being adults now.

Yeah, yeah.
Have fun.

- Bye.

- Good luck with the threesome.

- You're gonna be great.
[slaps back]
- Okay, I--[stammers]

That didn't help.

Oh, my gosh, it's just...

it's just kind of crazy
because I've

fantasized about having
a threesome

ever since I was,
like, a little kid.

If Ziggy was a girl,
I wouldn't have a problem
with it, but...

God, I'm just--I'm like--
I'm--I'm basic.

I'm disappointed
that I'm basic.

- You ain't basic.
You like what you like.

What are you talkin' about?

- He is a person.
I'm a person.

We're both living in
San Francisco

in the year of our Lord,
.

I should be more open

to new experiences...
- Yeah.

GUNTHER: And fluidity and...
- Yeah.
- Mm-mm.

- Nut sacks
that don't belong to me.

GUNTHER: Right?
- Well...

- It's just skin and balls
and a sack.

- Well, socially, it is easier
for women to be more fluid.

- Sure, because their parts
are more inviting.

- Well, we're also
more open-minded.

- I'm just saying
I think that

boobs are cuter than testicles.

CLOVIS: No, they are.
AYANA: I agree.
GUNTHER: Right?

CLOVIS: They are.
AYANA: Yeah.

- But you keep talkin'
about another dude nut sack,
so I don't know.

It's not really
the conversation
I'm trying to have?

- Wow, okay.
Well, thanks for nothing.

CLOVIS: You're welcome.
- You tried.

- Good luck.

CLOVIS: All right.
Hey!

Have a good time.
GUNTHER: Thanks.

[mystical music]

[sighs]

Hey, guys!

[mellow pop music playing]

- But I do like you.

And I don't want this
to be over before it starts.

- Keef, you don't like me.
You think you like me.

You don't like me.
- I do like you.

- Okay, right.
- I do.

- I'm sure you do.
- I-I do!

♪ ♪

- It's complicated, Keef.

And it shouldn't be
this complicated.
- Everything's complicated.

When is it not complicated?
- For some people, it's easy.

- Look, I've done easy.

And it actually turns out
it's not that easy, you know?

I just got out
of a two-year relationship,

and we didn't have
our first fight
until the day we broke up.

- Did you say
you just got out
of a two-year relationship?

Buried the lede, Keef!

Wow!

I mean, am I a-a rebound or...

- You're not a rebou--
No! No, no, no.

Why are you doin' that? No.
- No, it's fine.

That's good, I-I'm a big girl.
That's fine.

I just want
to know, like, how soon
after the two-year relationship

did you meet me? 'Cause...
- [stammering]

As far as time goes?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Months, years--
what are we talking?

♪ ♪

- Two.

- Two...
- Weeks.

- Two weeks.
Wow.

Well done,

- That's not--okay.

The relationship was over
before it was actually over.

- Right, so it was--it was dead
but you just stayed in it

just because.

- I'ma stop talkin'.
- Yeah, cool.

- 'Cause every time I talk,
you just--

- I mean, this is just
so predictable for me.

First the EDM DJ
and then the heroin dealer

and now the cartoonist.

What is it with me

going for these
emotionally unavailable men?

- Um...
I got news for you.

You dated a heroin dealer?

Cartoonist is a win.

♪ ♪

- That's funny, Keef.

♪ ♪

[both laughing]

[dogs barking on TV]

- Oh, I love this movie!

- See? I told you!

- Do you want to watch?
You want to come sit?

- Ah, thanks,
but I got to freshen up.

Where's the bathroom?
- It's gonna be
right behind you.

Yeah, I know that look.

- What look?

- Dude, you just went, like,
tits, ass,

and then calf muscles
for some weird reason.

- I'm allowed to look
at a beautiful woman.

- And I didn't say
you couldn't.

- Especially after the night
I had tonight.

- Yeah. It's f*cked up
when your girl cheat on you.

Right in front of you, too.

- Yeah.

It's crazy.

- Mm-hmm.

You good?

- Yeah.
Why?

- I mean, it just sound like
it's something else
you want to say.

You all right?
- No, no, I don't want
to say anything else.

It's just a sensitive...
subject, and, um,

I...may not be...

completely...

blameless.

- Oh, my God.

You a fuckboi?

- Not a fuckboi, per se.

- Oh, then cheater!

- Okay, no--
- No, no, no, no.

f*ck that.
You a cheater!

- I-I wouldn't--
- [laughing]

- I wouldn't identify
as a fuckboi.

- You right, you right.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

My bad.
You a fuckgirl.

[laughing]

That's crazy!

- Hi.

- Hello.

Wow.

Okay.

Right.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, wow!
Very nice.

Oh, yeah, sure.
Uh-huh.

Thanks.

I'm just gonna...
MARLEY: Yeah.

Just right in.

I'm gonna just, uh...
[Ziggy and Marley moan]

I guess,
uh, I start down here--

- Whoa, whoa!
GUNTHER: Whoa, whoa.

- What the f*ck?
- What?

ZIGGY: Dude!
- What?

- You just...

you grabbed my d*ck.

- What, did I squeeze it
too hard or what?

[laughs]
- Yeah, I'm--
I'm straight, so...

- [laughs] Okay, yeah, so am I,
very straight, obviously.

What--what--
- Then why'd you grab my d*ck?

- I thought that's what
I was supposed to do.

- Uh, well, you know,
maybe--maybe don't?

- Okay.
Yeah, heck, yeah.

I-I mean, seems a little
close-minded after--

MARLEY: Ziggy.

Let him grab your d*ck.

- What--uh--

Yeah.
Yeah, whatever.

Have at it, then.
Let's do this.

- Okay, now...
it's kind of freakin' me out.

I'm just--
- No, no, I'm ready.

- No, no, no.
I'm not ready now, though,
and that's the thing.

ZIGGY: No, no, just give me
your hand.

MARLEY: Wait--
GUNTHER: No, I just
don't think, uh,

I don't--I don't think
the time is right.

I don't know
if it ever will be right.

I'm just feeling a little
vulnerable, a little exposed.

I've got d*ck on my hands.
- How about I--

How about I hold you?

- Yeah, I mean, that--
- Let me hold you.

- Oh, that's nice.
You've been very nice to me.

[Marley murmurs]
ZIGGY: I'm sorry.

- Okay.
- Here you go.

- Yes. I should have--

ZIGGY: Let's just breathe
together for a second.

- Wow.

Yeah, I think that
the moment's back.

Yeah, let's definitely do it.
Screw it, right?

We're here. Might as well.
ZIGGY: All right.

[soft pop music continues]

♪ ♪

- Can I ask you a question?

♪ ♪

I just want to know
how it felt, uh,

having a room full of people
clapping for you.

- Honestly?

Um...I felt validated.

And I know in that moment,
I shouldn't have,

but I did, and I felt great.

I really did.

- [chuckles]
Well, I get it, I do.

I, um--I get
the validation thing.

You know, ten years ago, I made
this one piece that was--

I mean, I guess it looked
like seaweed, and...

I made it in one afternoon.
It was a total afterthought.

But people went nuts for it,
and Pink posted a photo of it.

- Pink?
- Pink.

- Wow.
- The singer--I know.

And ever since then,
I've just been trying

to make the same thing
again and again.

And the money's good, but...
it just feels hollow.

It's like--oof.

- It's uh...it's
your own toast and butter.

- Yeah.

And I think my biggest fear

is that maybe now
that I'm comfortable,

now that I don't have anything
I'm fighting for,

I also don't have anything
left to say.

And, like, maybe now
that I'm stable, I'm finished.

- Hmm.

You know, I had
a stable personal life

and then blew it all up.

- Hmm.

- But that is when
you came along.

- And made things even worse.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- Mm.

- You made things a lot better.
- Really?

- Oh, a hell of a lot better.

I actually felt like I was
making things worse for you.

- Why?

- Well, it just seemed like

you were in a relationship
with yourself,

and it looked good.

- Yeah, well,
the sex was incredible.

- Was it, now?
- Yeah.

- I'd very much like to
try it some time.

- How about now?

- Now?
Oh--yeah.

Okay.
[chuckles]

[funky music]

ADRIENNE: We're doing this.
- Yeah, we're doing
the sex stuff.

♪ ♪

- Oh, you a hypocrite.

You are
a motherfuckin' hypocrite.

- No.
- What?

- No, I'm not, just because

I don't adhere
to--to the confines

of a monogamous relationship
doesn't make me a--

- A cheater!

A straight-up f*cking cheater.

Accept it!
- Okay.

- Uh-huh.
- Yes, I cheated on Zadi.

But that was only because
she was being awful

and I was in a very horrible--
- Nah, sis, nah, nah, nah, nah.

See, you not about
to rationalize your way

out of this sh*t, okay?

At least when I lie to women,

they don't even remember it.

Nine times out of ten,

they probably
don't even remember me.

- Oh, that's so sad
for so many reasons.

- Whatever.
You know what?

You out here trying like
you saving the world,

like you MLK or some sh*t.

Yeah, MLK was
slapping ass, too.

He had a dream about hos,
just like you.

- Okay, first of all,

thank you for comparing me
to MLK.

- Uh-huh.
- Honored.

- Secondly, MLK saved
a whole race of people.

- You never come off of it,
do you?

- I don't have to.

- You know, that sounds
really exhausting.

- It is.
- Uh-huh, I bet.

[rhythmic thumping,
woman moaning]

- Can you put
the closed captionings on?

[door opens]

[thumping, moaning louder]
GUNTHER: Hey.

- What are you doing
out here?

- Uh, yeah, sounds to me
like the show's still going on,

and, um, the main act out here.

- Just getting, uh,
electrolytes, fluids.
CLOVIS: Oh.

- You know, it's a marathon,
not a sprint.

[thumping, moaning continue,
Gunther gulping]

All right.
Going back in.

- You should probably
take that with you.

[door closes]

Hey, in all honesty,

maybe you should take a page

out of the old
threesome musketeers book

and just let your girl know
you like f*cking
multiple people.

- Thank you for that advice,

but...
- I'm here.

- I'm not gonna take it.
- Wow.

- I'm gonna
get back with Zadi

because all this sex talk
has got me real horned up.

Bye, Clovis.

- Hey, you a trip!
You a cheater!
[door opens, closes]

How am I the only person here
not getting no ass?

What the f*ck?

[Adrienne chuckles,
Keef exhales deeply]

- So is this our pattern?

- What do you mean?

- I mean, like we--we have
some weird fight,

we make up.

It's what,
a six-week cycle?

- We could make it eight.
- Hmm.

But then we'd probably have,
like, a big fight.

- I'd beg you to stay.

- We have the sweaty,
screaming make-up sex.

- Yeah, but then I have to
cry in the bathroom after.

- sh*t, that again.
- Yeah.

- No, but about
six months later,

I find out I'm pregnant.
- [gasps]

I'm gonna need you
to keep that baby.

- But I don't.
- And to make up for that...

I propose.

- Which seems like a lot,
but we are happy for what...

- Eight weeks?
- No.

I think we got .
- Oh.

- We got , yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

- But, uh...then I find out
that you've been

emotionally cheating on me
with this warehouse girl

that you met
in a comic-book chatroom.

- You mean Beatrice.
- Oh, Beatrice.

I can't even hear her name.
- You're referring to Beatrice.

- Big B.
- But then we find out

that Beatrice
is a -year-old man.

- [laughs]
- Yeah.

- It's karma, Keef.

[mellow jazz playing]

- Yeah.
- You okay?

- I'm okay, I'm just...

thinking maybe...

♪ ♪

Maybe we...
can't do this right now.

- Wow, that's...

that's usually my line.

[sighs]

- But it's...
but it's true, right?

- Yeah.

So I guess that we...

we should probably just
spare each other

this version
of our current
f*cked-up selves.

- Right.

[Sir's "You Can't Save Me"]

♪ ♪

SINGER:
♪ In another time ♪

♪ In another place,
you would be mine ♪

♪ But you can't... ♪

KEEF: Yeah.
[mutters]

So good luck.

And, uh, you know...

Should I--I'll call you.

- Don't call me. Don't call me.
- No--right?

- You're doing great.

- Okay.

♪ ♪

SINGERS:
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

- See you around.

- Okay.

SINGERS: ♪ Well, you can't
save me from myself ♪

♪ ♪

- Yo.
- Hmm?

- Trying to check out
this little movie?

- Uh...yeah, okay.

[TV beeps]

- Eh...

You still gonna hit it?
[door opens]

- [chuckles]
[footsteps approaching]

Oh, boy.

- What the f*ck are you doing?
I thought you was going
back in.

- Yeah, they don't even
know that I left.

I'm--I'm gonna be honest.

They're so into each other,
I couldn't give my d*ck away.

Ooh, Parent Trap.
Vintage Lilo--nice!

- That's what
I been saying, bro.

Damn!

It's gonna be all right, dog.

♪ ♪

- That's my kind of threesome.

SINGER: ♪ But you can't
save me from myself ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ No, you can't
save me from myself ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ ♪