01x03 - The Preacher

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "God's Favorite Idiot". Aired: June 15, 2022 - present.
A midlevel tech support employee finds love at exactly the same time he becomes the unwitting messenger of God.
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01x03 - The Preacher

Post by bunniefuu »

["A Great Day" by Soul Superiors playing.]

[car horn beeps.]

Would anybody like
to talk about God's message?
- This guy!
- Would you like to talk about God?
There you go, sir.
Thank you, thank you.

- Don't just throw it away!
- Uh He threw it away.

Ah! Litterbug!
- G-O-D.

- Yeah, you know me!
- You're not interested.
That's okay.

- No? This Aw.

You're doin' great.
Doin' great.

Feel like my timing's off.

Look at that.

- Bingo.

- I surprised myself.
I had more emotion.

- That felt good.

- Keep it up.
You're doing good.

I'll kinda dance into it a bit.

- Uh.

- No.

- That's
- It's okay.

Hey, anybody wanna
hear about God's message?
Hi there, guys.
Faith no more?
How about faith s'more?
- Dude, f*ck off.

- Jackass.

Not a pun guy.
This is not a pun crowd.

- Who wants to talk about God?
- Anyone wanna talk about God?
[singers vocalizing.]

[music stops.]

I am sitting here
with the Reverend Milton Throp
who is quickly becoming
the most powerful and beloved
religious figure
here in Southern California.

Well, I'm not so sure about that, Tamara,
but I thank you and bless you.

Now, when, may I ask,
did you first hear the call of the Lord?
Well, Tamara, to quote
the late, great Johnny Cash,
who is undoubtedly
roasting in Hell right now,
I've been everywhere, man.

You see, I was bad
- Good morning.

- Good morning.

What are you watching?
Oh, remember how I thought
that shitty reverend looked familiar?
I looked up an old infomercial.

I was right.

I had this sweet aunt.

She bought into all his bullshit,
and he took all her money.

- Oh, that's too bad.

- Yeah.

- [man.]
There he is!
- I know
- [crowd.]
- There are so many people outside.

There were people outside before,
but there are so many now.

There's media vans, like,
all up and down the street.
It's crazy.

This is all just kinda too much.

We gotta get outta here.

Where do you wanna go?
I thought we should probably go to work.

Oh shit.

I keep forgetting I have a job.

[crowd clamoring.]

- Oh boy.

- Wow.

Oh boy.

Clark, can you heal me?
I don't think I can.

- Personal space.

- So sorry.

[speaking Spanish.]

[speaking Spanish.]

What did you just say?
I think I paraphrased Corinthians
in Spanish.
Apparently I know both.

Lies! Oh, there he is!
Um, hey, everybody.

So nice to see so many of you here.

- Some of you look angry.

- I'm gonna kick your ass!
Shut up and back up!
Know why people think you're crazy?
Because you act crazy!
All right? You act crazy
'cause you are crazy.

- I will run you over.

- [honks horn.]

Sister wife, move it.

Don't you have a g*n rally you can go to?
Don't you want a helmet?
No, the metal plate
in my head gets too hot.

[theme music playing.]

[music fades out.]

- [people chattering.]

- [office phones ringing.]

It's no use.

- Why can't I work this contraption?
- Hey.

You almost have two sides.

I need all six sides.

Two sides is nothing.
It's nothing.

Stupid, evil cube.

Suck it!

I'm so sorry for that outburst.

Um, I don't know.

I guess it's just how I was raised.

I don't know,
maybe you can relate, but, um
You know, my parents
emigrated here from Pakistan,
and so failure has never really
been an option for us in this country.

I understand that.

I feel like failure
can't be an option for me either.

I mean, you're doing great, though.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.

That's really kind of you to say.

Mohsin, Mohsin, Mohsin.

Don't get mad
at your colored cube, my man.

Here's a pro tip.
YouTube one of those
puzzle hack videos, and nail that shit.

- I did that and solved it in five minutes.

- I don't wanna watch a video.
All right?
I wanna learn how to do it properly,
by myself.
And you're clearly lying.

You've never solved
a Rubik's Cube, have you?
Well, you know, my point was,
you know, if I wanted to, I could.

Those those videos are great.

But yeah.
No, I've never
come close to solving a Rubik's Cube.

And if I'm being honest, I'm not
really good at accessing YouTube.

Okay, that's absurd.

You literally work
at a computer tech company,
and kids know how to access YouTube.

Yeah, but you need
a password or something
- [elevator dings.]

- [Amily.]
Hi, guys.

- Hey, hey.
Check out the lovebirds, huh?
- Hi, Tom.

Are we past the official hookup stage, or
- Oof.

- Oh my God.

That is so completely inappropriate, Tom.

People don't talk like that anymore.

What year do you think this is?
Well, if I'm being honest, I'm never sure
of the exact year because of my dyslexia.

- That doesn't make any sense.

- Be that as it may, um
[clears throat.]
I'm sorry.

- Whoa.

- What?
I'm gonna need you to repeat that.

What was the last thing
you just said to me?
I'm sorry.

First time for everything, I guess.

Yeah, well, I noticed
that my comment was insensitive.

You know me, I like to get messy.

And often, you know, I'm about to say
something stupid, and then I say it.

And before I can stop myself
from saying it, I've already said it.

I'd like to apologize.

Okay, Tom.
I accept your apology.

- Is this really happening?
- You need a copy of this.

Okay, look, I didn't sleep
a wink last night, all right?
And I think it's because ever since
I saw that video of you glowing,
I've become a changed man.

Clark, I think you might be holy,
or something.

And, you know, that's why you glow,
and that's why you know stuff.

I wanna be better,
and maybe you can help me do that,
because, I don't know, you've been
I don't know if I've been chosen.

You know what? I think that
I've discovered life's true meaning.

And maybe it's for me to get get better.

I think I can be better.

My life has purpose now.

I think it's to follow you.

- Follow me?
- Yeah.

Can I get a hug, man?
- Sure, of course.

- [sobbing.]

Come here, buddy.
You're okay, Tom.

This is the best hug ever.

- Oh boy.

- [Tom gasps.]

Oh, oh
Oh wow.

This is happening.

It sure is.

I can feel you flowing through me.


If you don't start submitting time sheets,
corporate is gonna
ding me for noncompliance,
and that
is not the way Frisbee plays pickleball.

Clark, the glowing is gorgeous.

Tom, need the hands above the equator.

[Tom gasps.]
Yes, of course.

Okay, Tom.
You're okay.

I'm so sorry, everybody,
I didn't mean to interrupt your day
and to bring you into this thing.

It's okay.

Okay, show show's over.

Show's over, okay?
You know, just somebody glowing.

Bella, show's over.

- He glowed.

- [Amily.]
Yeah, I know.
Take it down.


Tom, I've gotta say, this is the least
assh*le-ish version of you I've ever seen.


Let it out, Tom.

Just let it all out.
That's the way.

Oh, gross.

[bleeping and whooshing.]

What is going on with me?
Just let the soothing game soothe you.

- [door opens.]

- Just be soothed.

- Oh, Clark.

- Oh, my gosh.
No, Tom!
No, Tom! No! Oh, my gosh.

No, you can't do that.
That's my worst nightmare come to life.

Look, man, we are way past that.

I'm following you now.

- Any luck, by the way?
- Any luck with what?
The constipation business.

Oh, no, no, no.
No, Tom.

That's exactly what I didn't want to be
That's my issue and my concern.

I wouldn't share that with anyone.

Not even a a follower.

Hey, you got it, holy man.

Quick offer
I'd like to be your bodyguard.

- What?
- Yeah, man.
I need to help you.

I'll kick ass for you, man!
Well, I mean, I don't know.

There's a lot goin' on, but
- Are you really good at fighting?
- No! Oh, no.
Far from it.

That's, like,
a pretty big flaw in your plan.

Yeah, I guess you could call it that.

A flaw.

Almost as big a flaw as, like,
looking at people as they
- [phone alerts dinging.]

- bathroom.

[upbeat music playing.]

That's awesome.

Tom, a little space, please.

Oh, hi.
I tried to stop him
from following you in there,
but he's too slippery and slimy.

Tom, back off.

Not possible.

Are you, uh, in a hurry?
Oh yeah, my dad
actually wants to talk to me, so
Oh, good.
That's a that's a good thing.

I mean, I don't know your dad,
but if you want some
some company or support?
Oh, actually,
we're gonna take a sauna together.

- Oh, I'm out.

- I'm in.

- You're out.

- You got it.

But maybe I could see you later?
Tell you all about it?

I don't mean to be in your business.

I don't have to get up all in your grill.

I like you in my grill.

- Cool.

- Good luck with your dad.

I'm gonna catch a few Zs here at work,
and then we can meet up later.

No, there's no sleeping in the office.

- Frisbee, get back to your hole.

- Fine.

- And turn off the overheads.

- Other people are working.

Oh, good idea.
You know what,
everybody get those ringers off, please.

- Five-minute break, everybody.

- All right!
- [woman 1.]
Love you, Clark!
- [man.]
Hey! There he is!
[all clamoring.]

- [woman 2.]
- [woman 1.]
I love Clark!
Sorry about the news trucks, Pop.

You know, I think you're gonna find
this whole thing
is just a big misunder standing.

Hello there, Clark.

Pop, how could you?
The reverend is here to help you, son.

I mean, he wanted a meeting,
so he called me,
and I I invited him here
to pleasurably sauna with us.

Aren't you hot?
The righteous don't sweat.

Please, have a seat.

Oh boy.

Do you know, Clark,
the story of the boy who cried wolf?
- Sure.
Very familiar.

- It was written by Aesop.

- Listen
- Aesop's fable is about a boy
who kept crying wolf,
even though it was clear there was no wolf
threatening his flock of sheep.

And then one day,
he finally actually saw a wolf.

And he cried wolf again.
"Wolf! Wolf!"
And the townspeople didn't come to his aid
because they didn't trust him anymore.

His flock were devoured.

The moral of this fable
is that liars are not believed,
even when they speak the truth.

- Do you follow me?
- Uh
Pretty clearly, you think
I'm the boy who cried wolf.

- We could've gotten there faster.

- Indeed.
I won't have my flock devoured
because they're distracted
by an infantile boy like yourself
who is intent on lying to us all.

You know,
just as a counterpoint,
I didn't ask for any of this.

It just sorta happened.

I mean, it's not a trick.
Um, this is,
like, a real thing, and, uh, it's weird.

Please, please, son.

Please come clean.

I mean, you have to stop lying.

Especially to me.

I mean, come on.
What do you say?
You know what?
Let me see if I can show you.

What are you doing?
Oh my God.

Okay, wow.
So, cool.
So I made it happen.

Oh my God.

Oh, son, I'm so
I'm so sorry I didn't believe you.

It's okay, Pop.
I mean, it's
I understand it's a lot to take in.

But it's definitely not a trick.

How dare you?
Chicanery against God.

- Chicanery?
- Turn that infernal light off immediately.

- Where is your remote clicker?
- Remote clicker? I mean, I I'm in a robe.

- Where would it be? My hands are here.

- I know exactly where your clicker is.

It's up your bottom.

Ugh! Why would I have
a remote clicker in my
- Because you're vile.

- Hey!
You call my son vile again, I'm gonna
punch the teeth right out your head!
- Easy.

- I won't have charlatans
taking attention away
from God-fearing souls like myself,
who are the true messengers of the Lord.

I promise you, Clark.

Stop this trickery immediately,
or I will destroy you.

You eat a plate of crap!
You really felt like you could
control the light more this time?
I really think I did, yeah.

Well, that could be big.

I hope so.
I feel like my purpose is so
close, and I can't quite figure it out.

I know that you are going to
to figure out what you need to do.

- Thank you.

- Okay.

- Thanks.

- Coffee?
- Oh no, thank you.

- You got it.

The good news is that you and your dad
are doing okay again.

- Yeah.
Thank you.

- I know you're close.

- Thanks.

- Cream?
- No, thank you.

- All right.
Here you go.

Um not to pry, but
I was kind of wondering if your mom was
you know, still in the picture or with us?
Oh, um, she's fine.

Uh, my mom and dad got divorced
when I was 13.

And, uh, my mom
actually kind of cheated on my dad.

- What do you mean, kind of?
- Uh, she just cheated on my dad.

Then, when they split up,
um, you know, it seemed like she didn't
wanna hang out with me that much.

But me and my dad are so close,
so I just stayed with him, and
and I still see my mom on Christmas
and, you know
uh, Christmas.

[Tom coughing.]


I've been eavesdropping on you.

Polite and creepy.
That's that's
a hard combo to master, but you did it.

Uh what's with the giant,
weird sword, buddy?

Whoa! [chuckles.]

I pledge my sword to you.

- Are you proposing to him, as well?
- [Clark groans.]

No, Amily, it's figurative.

Now that I'm going to be
Clark's bodyguard.

What? I did not agree to that, Tom.

Don't worry.
I'm not gonna be able
to slice up anybody with this.
It's foam.

Oh, thank God.

Although I suppose
I could bludgeon someone with it.

- Mm.

- Do you want me to bludgeon that reverend?
- No.
You you were gonna say no, right?
- I was waiting.

- To see which way the wind bl*ws.

- Oh, you were waiting to see
- I was on the fence.

- Okay.

- Absolutely not.

- [Tom.]

- No bludgeoning of anybody.

- Okay, good.
Quick question.

Why do you have a giant sword?
- Where did you get it?
- I can show you.

[lute playing.]

Who of you is bold enough
- to vanquish the Ogre of Gilgoth
- [roars.]

in a pitched battle
to decide the fate of all Gilgarath?

I am so bold.

- [crowd gasps.]

- Oh, dreadful goblin Gamwyn of Glendathf.

- [Mohsin.]
What am I looking at?
- [Tom.]
Live-action role playing.

- I'm a LARPer.

- You look really neat.

Why, yes, Goladriyule of Gilgar.

Similar names.

Yes, it is I, Gidriyule of Gilgar,
and I challenge thee
- [crowd gasps.]

- Ogre of Golgath!
There's a lot of Gs when there are 25
other letters in the alphabet, but okay.

I mentioned it to all of them,
but Vernon makes the names,
and he's the quest manager.

- So
- Is Vernon the cheeky goblin?
- [both in unison.]

- How do you know that?
- Hearken to me!
- [all gasp.]

The Blizzard Queen.

Golidriyule of Gilgar, you must first
defeat me, Glenwyn of Galdathlian,
in a pitched battle
for the honor of dispatching
that bitch.

- Suck it, Amily.

- Guys, don't break character.

- I alone shall save Golgarath.

- [woman.]
She alone has the power.

Jim, Joe.

- Release me of my beast.

- [Gregorian chant plays.]

Yes, Queen.

the Blizzard Queen of Galdathlian,
you must do battle
with Goladriyule of Gilgar,
for you have been challenged.


[all chanting.]
Challenged! Challenged! Challenged!
Challenged! Challenged!
- Challenged! Challenged!
- Let the battle begin!
- A battle?
- Oh yeah.

- What?
- [Amily.]
Oh, it's a-comin'.

- [Mohsin.]
Oh my God, that's you and
- [Clark.]
Oh wow.

- [Amily.]

- [Mohsin.]
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, yeah.

Ooh! Oh!
Oh! Ow! Ow!
- [crowd gasps.]

- [Mohsin laughing.]

[crowd yell.]
- [horn bl*ws.]

- Whoo!
[trumpets play.]


I yield! I yield! I yield, damn it!

Oh my God, you went down so hard.

- Tom the b*mb.

- f*ck off, Frisbee.

Get in line, bud.

- [door opens.]

- There you are.

Oh, hey.
That was some video, huh?
Oh, I know.

It's really good.

I should watch it every day.

It feels quite good to laugh, doesn't it?
You know? Especially now.

I know, yeah.

Hey, Mo, I was thinking
What if this is it?
- What if this is what?
- The end.

Oh, no, no, no,
I don't think it's the end.

But, I mean, if Clark is genuinely
some kind of prophet,
then this could be it.

This could be the end of days.

In which case,
both you and I, and all of us,
we'd all be d*ad.


Not Ragnarok.
That's a Thor movie.

I know.
I know, I'm just
I was trying to lighten the mood.

Sorry, uh

I got you something.

Is that an even-harder-to-solve
Rubik's Cube?
It is actually
a Pentagonal Speed Cube
Dodecahedron Magic Cube Puzzle Toy.

It looks very difficult.

I think so,
but I think you're up for the task.

I just I really liked that you wouldn't
quickly cheat on a Rubik's Cube
and look up the answers.

It says it says heaps about you
and your character.

I think that other
Rubik's Cube was just too easy for you.

So don't you give up on that one, okay?
You keep at it.

Thank you.
God, um
- That is so kind of you, and
- Oh.

- I'm really pleased you like it.

- I do, I do.

- Cool.

- I will.
I'll keep I'll try very hard.


I also wanted to say that
Look, if this is the end of days
- Hopefully not, but if it is
- Yeah.

I should tell you I think you're
I think you're really nice.

- Really? [chuckles.]

- Really.



I think you're Oh.

[elevator dings.]


Oh boy.

- [whooshing.]

- Hi, Tom.

Isn't it fun?
They can't see me.
I love it.

Hey, man.
I didn't think I was gonna
get to see you again.
So, hell-lo.

Well, we're friends now.

Hi, Amily.

Hey, Wendy.
I, uh I like your hair up.

Thank you for that.
Are you okay?
Just just kind of, working on my elbow.

You should get that looked at.

- Hi, Clark.

- Hi, Wendy.

So she she can't see you either?
I don't wanna be seen in your world.

So I promise you two are the only
two mortals that can see me right now.

You're here! Awesome.

- Oh, hey.

- Good to see you, buddy!
Hey, man.
Good to see you.

Pardon my French, but what in
the name of biscuits is goin' on here?
- Uh Long story short.

- Uh Yes.

I am an essential executive.

I guess, like a middle manager in both
Heaven and here on Earth.

Pullin' double duty,
only gettin' one check.

- But not complaining.

- Wait a minute.

I have to wrap my head around
what I think you're saying.

- Are you saying that this is an angel?
- Yes.

- Yes.

- What is what is all this?
Is this, like, your goofy human suit?
- [laughs.]

- Oh, he looks the same in Heaven.

What do you
what do you do up there?
In Heaven, if there's a big event,
like a big celestial meeting,
I would be the one responsible
for pinging all of the stakeholders.

Then I would give real-time feedback
on the meeting they're in.

In short, he just sends reports
of everything that everyone already knows.

That's all he does here too.

Hey, uh, guys.
Uh, just, uh No big deal,
uh but I have to tell you something.

When people say, "No big deal,"
often that means it's kind of a big deal.

- I'm sure it's not.
It's probably nothing.

- Yeah
Well, it's rather a big deal.

- You just said it wasn't a big deal.

- It's a huge deal.

- Ugh.

- All right.
I'll just spill the beans.

She's here.

Who's here?


[theme music playing.]
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